Dish Network Sucks No GolTV
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Dish Network Sucks
Here's a little correspondence between me and Dish Shitwork:
From: patrickn@ontheoffense.com
Sent: Sunday, August 31, 2008 11:41 AM
To: FeedBack
Subject: New Customer SalesFull Name: Patrick Nguyen
Account Number: ****
Question: I was duped into changing from DirecTV, who has treated me wonderful, to your service with the promise that I would get all the same channels for cheaper. Three days after I switched, GolTV, my favorite channel, was dropped. Now I'm trapped with you for two years. I'm telling everyone I know not to switch with you no matter what deals your retailers give. You trapped me, but you won't dupe others.
I hope all the negative karma you build up by screwing people over doesn't fall on your children since they have enough to deal with being that their parents are con artists.
And here was their reply:
Dear Patrick Nguyen,
Thank you for your email. We regret any inconvenience this may cause you. However, GolTV is demanding unreasonable terms to renew the contract. We are working hard to come to a resolution. In the mean time you can still enjoy similar programming in ESPN Deportes and Fox Soccer Channel en Español.
We thank you for allowing us to be of assistance to you. If you have any further questions or concerns, please refer to www.dishnetwork.com or reply to this email.
Sincerely,
Randy B.
DISH Network eCare
That's how stupid they are. They think FOX Espanol is the same as GolTV. Nevermind the fucking fact that FOX Espanol is essentially the same shit as FOX SOCCER CHANNEL except in Spanish. So I am going to send the same email everyday to them so they can reply to me the same everyday. I missed Real Madrid's first game because of them. Die.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
PNFM 08/26/2008
-Argentina Gold, Tevez
-EPL -Robinho, Nery Castillo
-Juventus
-Strahan in?
-Dolphins pick Chad Pennington as starting QB
-EPL -Robinho, Nery Castillo
-Juventus
-Strahan in?
-Dolphins pick Chad Pennington as starting QB
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Premiership Week 2
Guess what? I got married yesterday. It is actually harder to type with this giant tungsten ring on my finger. I leave for Hawaii for our 2 week honeymoon tomorrow morning. I would like to be excited, but honestly right now I feel as if all the blood has been drained from my body.
I took mental notes all throughout the day though, and after I've regained my strength this week I will give a blow by blow account of the weekend. It was actually pretty awesome.
That said, open wide for some soccerrrrrr!!
BLACKBURN 1, HULL CITY 1
How bout them "Tigers"? 2 matches ever in the Premiership, and they are still unbeaten, this time getting an impressive draw against the team that is the early leader in the running to be the team I throw my support behind this year, Blackburn Rovers. Hull striker Richard Garcia headed in the equaliser a minute after Rovers' Jason Roberts opened the scoring.
LIVERPOOL 2, MIDDLESBROUGH 1
The Reds were down 1-0 in the 86th minute, and in danger of losing at home to Boro for the first time since 1976. But there's a reason Liverpool are who they are, and Boro is who they are. Boro broke down in the waning moments of the game, giving up an own goal to tie it at 1, then losing it when Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard blasted one home from the edge of the penalty area in injury time. Liverpool is now alone with Chelsea as the only teams to take all 6 points in the first two weeks.
NEWCASTLE 1, BOLTON 0
Michael Owen I shit you not was battling the mumps recently. The mumps. Is this still common in England? Should he feel lucky it wasn't the plague? He shook off those mumps to score the loan goal as Newcastle remains unbeaten, but not untied. Castle's keeper Shay Given saved a penalty kick to maintain the clean sheet.
STOKE CITY 3, ASTON VILLA 2
Get Stoked everyone! One of the Premiership newcomers picked up their first W when Mamady "Big Mama" Sidibe headed in a throw-in in the 90th minute for the final goal in a match where each side traded goals the entire time. The throw came from Stoke's Rory Delap, who apparently is very skilled at this art, as Villa's coach bemoaned his side's inability to cope with Delap's well-known throw-in skills. Whatever. That's like a team that loses to the Bears saying they weren't prepared to deal with Kyle Orton's handing off skills.
SUNDERLAND 2, TOTTENHAM 1
Sweet sassy molassey Patrick, you really know how to give a team the kiss of death. Losing at home to Sunderland? Has anyone ever done that? OH get the fuck out, they did NOT get Jimmy Page for the Olympic closing ceremonies. ZEPPELIN RULES!! The winning goal for Sunderland was scored by Djibril Cisse, who is on loan from France's Olympique Marseille. That's pretty interesting how you can loan players in soccer. It would be cool if a stacked MLB team could say, loan some prospects to the Pittsburgh Pirates or KC Royals to get them major league experience and maybe make those perennial piece o shit franchises more competitive. Look into it, Count Budula.
EVERTON 2, WEST BROM 1
The Toffees pick up a rich, buttery, away win over a team that's going to be fighting the good fight to avoid relegation all year long. Ayegbeni Yakubu goes Ayegbooya for the gamewinner, his second goal of the year.
FULHAM 1, ARSENAL 0
There was no traditional match quote on the EPL website from Fulham's manager after this game, because I think he was in a state of catatonic shock at the outcome of this match. Arsenal looked like ass in their season opening 1-0 win over West Brom, and really looked bad in losing this one to doormat Fulham.
CHELSEA 1, WIGAN 0
Nobody has had a bigger impact on their new club than Deco...Deco...Deco!! He scored his second goal in as many games as a member of Chelsea, tallying in the 3rd minute for the match's only score as Chelsea hung on for an away win over perenially plucky Wigan. Wigan's pluckiness has been good for 0 points so far.
MANCHESTER CITY 3, WEST HAM 0
MCFC rebounds from an embarrassing defensive performance in their opener against Villa to get revenge in the form of a shutout against the team whose uniforms look exactly like Villa's. So they must feel kind of vindicated by that. Two goals for City's Elano (Brazilian-one name only). Hammers' manager Alan Curbishley says, "I am desperately disappointed for our fans." Dude, relax, put down that glass of Drano. It'll be OK. Get 'em next week.
MONDAY- PORTSMOUTH VS. MANCHESTER UNITED
If Man U goes the first 2 weeks of the season without a win, their fans are going to burn down the freaking observatory I tells ya. Pompey got throttled 4-0 by Chelsea in their opener, so they kind of need to get their shit together no?
STANDINGS
6 POINTS
Chelsea, Liverpool
4 POINTS
Blackburn, Hull City, Newcastle
1 POINT
Manchester United
0 POINTS
Tottenham, West Brom, Wigan, Portsmouth
Everyone else has 3 points yo.
Alright then. My next post will be from Maui, and it will be first in a series where I wrap up the exhibition seasons of all your favorite NFL squads, starting with the AFC West.
I took mental notes all throughout the day though, and after I've regained my strength this week I will give a blow by blow account of the weekend. It was actually pretty awesome.
That said, open wide for some soccerrrrrr!!
BLACKBURN 1, HULL CITY 1
How bout them "Tigers"? 2 matches ever in the Premiership, and they are still unbeaten, this time getting an impressive draw against the team that is the early leader in the running to be the team I throw my support behind this year, Blackburn Rovers. Hull striker Richard Garcia headed in the equaliser a minute after Rovers' Jason Roberts opened the scoring.
LIVERPOOL 2, MIDDLESBROUGH 1
The Reds were down 1-0 in the 86th minute, and in danger of losing at home to Boro for the first time since 1976. But there's a reason Liverpool are who they are, and Boro is who they are. Boro broke down in the waning moments of the game, giving up an own goal to tie it at 1, then losing it when Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard blasted one home from the edge of the penalty area in injury time. Liverpool is now alone with Chelsea as the only teams to take all 6 points in the first two weeks.
NEWCASTLE 1, BOLTON 0
Michael Owen I shit you not was battling the mumps recently. The mumps. Is this still common in England? Should he feel lucky it wasn't the plague? He shook off those mumps to score the loan goal as Newcastle remains unbeaten, but not untied. Castle's keeper Shay Given saved a penalty kick to maintain the clean sheet.
STOKE CITY 3, ASTON VILLA 2
Get Stoked everyone! One of the Premiership newcomers picked up their first W when Mamady "Big Mama" Sidibe headed in a throw-in in the 90th minute for the final goal in a match where each side traded goals the entire time. The throw came from Stoke's Rory Delap, who apparently is very skilled at this art, as Villa's coach bemoaned his side's inability to cope with Delap's well-known throw-in skills. Whatever. That's like a team that loses to the Bears saying they weren't prepared to deal with Kyle Orton's handing off skills.
SUNDERLAND 2, TOTTENHAM 1
Sweet sassy molassey Patrick, you really know how to give a team the kiss of death. Losing at home to Sunderland? Has anyone ever done that? OH get the fuck out, they did NOT get Jimmy Page for the Olympic closing ceremonies. ZEPPELIN RULES!! The winning goal for Sunderland was scored by Djibril Cisse, who is on loan from France's Olympique Marseille. That's pretty interesting how you can loan players in soccer. It would be cool if a stacked MLB team could say, loan some prospects to the Pittsburgh Pirates or KC Royals to get them major league experience and maybe make those perennial piece o shit franchises more competitive. Look into it, Count Budula.
EVERTON 2, WEST BROM 1
The Toffees pick up a rich, buttery, away win over a team that's going to be fighting the good fight to avoid relegation all year long. Ayegbeni Yakubu goes Ayegbooya for the gamewinner, his second goal of the year.
FULHAM 1, ARSENAL 0
There was no traditional match quote on the EPL website from Fulham's manager after this game, because I think he was in a state of catatonic shock at the outcome of this match. Arsenal looked like ass in their season opening 1-0 win over West Brom, and really looked bad in losing this one to doormat Fulham.
CHELSEA 1, WIGAN 0
Nobody has had a bigger impact on their new club than Deco...Deco...Deco!! He scored his second goal in as many games as a member of Chelsea, tallying in the 3rd minute for the match's only score as Chelsea hung on for an away win over perenially plucky Wigan. Wigan's pluckiness has been good for 0 points so far.
MANCHESTER CITY 3, WEST HAM 0
MCFC rebounds from an embarrassing defensive performance in their opener against Villa to get revenge in the form of a shutout against the team whose uniforms look exactly like Villa's. So they must feel kind of vindicated by that. Two goals for City's Elano (Brazilian-one name only). Hammers' manager Alan Curbishley says, "I am desperately disappointed for our fans." Dude, relax, put down that glass of Drano. It'll be OK. Get 'em next week.
MONDAY- PORTSMOUTH VS. MANCHESTER UNITED
If Man U goes the first 2 weeks of the season without a win, their fans are going to burn down the freaking observatory I tells ya. Pompey got throttled 4-0 by Chelsea in their opener, so they kind of need to get their shit together no?
STANDINGS
6 POINTS
Chelsea, Liverpool
4 POINTS
Blackburn, Hull City, Newcastle
1 POINT
Manchester United
0 POINTS
Tottenham, West Brom, Wigan, Portsmouth
Everyone else has 3 points yo.
Alright then. My next post will be from Maui, and it will be first in a series where I wrap up the exhibition seasons of all your favorite NFL squads, starting with the AFC West.
Friday, August 22, 2008
PNFM 08/22/2008
Radio show I've always wanted to do. This show is work safe i.e. I don't cuss.
Topics:
1) Bruce Arena takes over for Galaxy
2) Women win gold, Kai takes off shirt
3) Men's soccer for gold tonight
4) EPL table
5) Farve/Jets, Aaron Rodgers/Green Bay
6) Gene Upshaw dies
Topics:
1) Bruce Arena takes over for Galaxy
2) Women win gold, Kai takes off shirt
3) Men's soccer for gold tonight
4) EPL table
5) Farve/Jets, Aaron Rodgers/Green Bay
6) Gene Upshaw dies
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Red Hot Wet Preseason Action- Week 2
BILLS 24, STEELERS 21
-The Bills played this game in Toronto, as part of their deal to slowly become the Toronto Argonauts, so slowly, they hope, that nobody will notice.
-Come to think of it, the Bills are the perfect team for Canada. Their coach talks in slow motion like all Canadians do, they are boring, they play offense like the field is 150 yards long. I think this is a good fit.
-Ben got picked off in the first quarter, Senator Trent Edwards threw a couple of TD passes to tight end Robert Royal against the first defense, and Lee Evans was lighting up the secondary. Bills first rounder Leodis McKelvin had the capper with a 95 yard kickoff return for a TD against the Steelers perenially clueless special teams. They truly are "special".
-Kind of a yucky performance if you are a Steelers fan.
-First round pick Rashard Mendenhall and Santonio Holmes both had TDs for the Steelers. Former Oregon Duck QB Dennis Dixon had their other TD, breaking a 47 yard run to paydirt.
EAGLES 24, PANTHERS 13
-This game was played in a driving rainstorm.
-They had to delay the game because of lightning, because nobody wants to see Donovan McNabb throw an incomplete pass, hold his hands up to the heavens, yell "RAT FARTS!!" and get hit by lightning.
-DeSean Jackson, speedster from Cal, he's gonna be a star. He worked with the Eagles first offense and caught 7 passes for 71 yards.
-If you're thinking of taking Carolina rookie RB Jonathan Stewart high in your fantasy draft, like some guy at mine last night did, think again. He's been hampered by a toe injury and carried 4 times for only 3 yards.
TITANS 17, RAIDERS 16
-Vince Young and Kerry Collins combined to complete 8 of 28 pass attempts. That's not going to earn you a high Madden IQ score.
-The good news for the Titans is that if LenDale White and Chris Johnson keep running like they have in the preseason, the T's won't have to throw very much this year. The young running back duo combined for 85 yards on 16 carries.
-3rd string QB Ingle Martin led a 2 minute drill downfield following a Raiders turnover inside the 5 for the winning field goal.
-The Raiders don't look like they are going to be a joke this year.
- JaMarcus Russell played smoothly and comfortably against a good Titans' defense, completing 10 of 17 including a finely threaded TD pass to TE Zack Miller.
-Darren McFadden, he looks like he's gonna be everything Adrian Peterson was last year. He carried 6 times for 44 yards, and looked a lot faster than everyone else on the field.
-Michael Bush looks like he can play the Chester Taylor role, as he picked up 59 yards on 14 carries.
REDSKINS 13, JETS 10
- Brett Favre is finally a real, live football player again, and he looked good. 5 of 6 and a TD pass on the opening drive. Can't do much better than that.
- Rock Cartwright broke a 73 yard run for Washington, in the first half, so that means its against guys who won't be playing Arena Football next year.
- Jason Campbell needs to be better than 4 of 10. C'mon dude, time to get good.
- Mike Nugent boofed a 22 yard field goal attempt that would have sent the game into OT.
- You all can rub yourselves as much as you want over the Jets now that they've got Favre and signed a bunch of offensive linemen and dur dee dur dee dur. They still suck in my book.
-The Bills played this game in Toronto, as part of their deal to slowly become the Toronto Argonauts, so slowly, they hope, that nobody will notice.
-Come to think of it, the Bills are the perfect team for Canada. Their coach talks in slow motion like all Canadians do, they are boring, they play offense like the field is 150 yards long. I think this is a good fit.
-Ben got picked off in the first quarter, Senator Trent Edwards threw a couple of TD passes to tight end Robert Royal against the first defense, and Lee Evans was lighting up the secondary. Bills first rounder Leodis McKelvin had the capper with a 95 yard kickoff return for a TD against the Steelers perenially clueless special teams. They truly are "special".
-Kind of a yucky performance if you are a Steelers fan.
-First round pick Rashard Mendenhall and Santonio Holmes both had TDs for the Steelers. Former Oregon Duck QB Dennis Dixon had their other TD, breaking a 47 yard run to paydirt.
EAGLES 24, PANTHERS 13
-This game was played in a driving rainstorm.
-They had to delay the game because of lightning, because nobody wants to see Donovan McNabb throw an incomplete pass, hold his hands up to the heavens, yell "RAT FARTS!!" and get hit by lightning.
-DeSean Jackson, speedster from Cal, he's gonna be a star. He worked with the Eagles first offense and caught 7 passes for 71 yards.
-If you're thinking of taking Carolina rookie RB Jonathan Stewart high in your fantasy draft, like some guy at mine last night did, think again. He's been hampered by a toe injury and carried 4 times for only 3 yards.
TITANS 17, RAIDERS 16
-Vince Young and Kerry Collins combined to complete 8 of 28 pass attempts. That's not going to earn you a high Madden IQ score.
-The good news for the Titans is that if LenDale White and Chris Johnson keep running like they have in the preseason, the T's won't have to throw very much this year. The young running back duo combined for 85 yards on 16 carries.
-3rd string QB Ingle Martin led a 2 minute drill downfield following a Raiders turnover inside the 5 for the winning field goal.
-The Raiders don't look like they are going to be a joke this year.
- JaMarcus Russell played smoothly and comfortably against a good Titans' defense, completing 10 of 17 including a finely threaded TD pass to TE Zack Miller.
-Darren McFadden, he looks like he's gonna be everything Adrian Peterson was last year. He carried 6 times for 44 yards, and looked a lot faster than everyone else on the field.
-Michael Bush looks like he can play the Chester Taylor role, as he picked up 59 yards on 14 carries.
REDSKINS 13, JETS 10
- Brett Favre is finally a real, live football player again, and he looked good. 5 of 6 and a TD pass on the opening drive. Can't do much better than that.
- Rock Cartwright broke a 73 yard run for Washington, in the first half, so that means its against guys who won't be playing Arena Football next year.
- Jason Campbell needs to be better than 4 of 10. C'mon dude, time to get good.
- Mike Nugent boofed a 22 yard field goal attempt that would have sent the game into OT.
- You all can rub yourselves as much as you want over the Jets now that they've got Favre and signed a bunch of offensive linemen and dur dee dur dee dur. They still suck in my book.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Premiership Week One
What's this you say? A weekly update on the Premiership? Oh, it's true.
The Premiership has an Official Website, and I think all it needs for it to be a great website on a par with say NFL.com is for a cataclysmic electromagnetic disturbance to occur, making it 1996 again. Given the unlikelihood of that, I think you're all better off coming here to find out what went on in Merry Old England over the weekend.
It won't be as in depth or as pithy as my NFL stuff, but I will do my best yes?
So here we go.
ARSENAL 1, WEST BROM 0
Albion is one of the 3 squads that are new to the Premiership this year, and were expected to be thumped on the road by mighty Arsenal in the season opener.
That didn't happen, but Arsenal did get their 3 points. New acquisition Samir Nasri (signed from Marseille) scored in the 4th minute, and the Gunners hung on for a workmanlike 1-0 victory. Samir now may get some conjugal visits. Back up in your ass with the resurrection. That's Office Space, people.
Kind of a droopy beginning of the season for Arsenal, but they did have a Champions League match against Holland's Twente earlier in the week. So we'll chalk it up to them being tired.
Good news for Arsenal, they locked up their star forward, Emanuel Adebayor, to a long term deal this week, so he'll be around for a while.
BOLTON 3, STOKE CITY 1
Stoke City goes by the name "The Potters". Bolton Wanderers took them to Hogwarts in a big way in the Potters first top flight game since 1985. Stoke City held the game scoreless for the first half hour, but Bolton defenseman Gretar Steinsson opened the scoring, and the Wanderers never looked back for a win in front of the home crowd.
BLACKBURN 3, EVERTON 2
Rovers have a new manager this year, former Man U stalwart Paul Ince. This was Ince's first game as a Premiership manager, and the result was an upset win at one of the better clubs in the league.
The match was an entertaining see-saw affair. Rovers took an early lead when David Dunn scored in the 22nd minute. Everton equalized in the 45th minute, and took the lead in the 64th minute on a header by Ayegbeni Yakubu. That lead lasted only a minute though, as Roque Santa Cruz evened things up at 2. Then, in extra time, Rovers defender Andre Oojer emerged from a scramble after a free kick to tap home a stunning game winner.
Everton's manager David Moyes summed up his disgust by telling reporters after the game, "We gave away a daft free kick for their winner." He then said, "CROWN THEIR ASS." Only I think he said "ARSE" instead, because this is English football after all.
HULL CITY 2, FULHAM 1
This was "The Tigers" (Hull City's logo has their nickname in quotation marks. I suppose this is so we know this is just a nickname and that they are not actual tigers.) first game ever at the top level of English Football, and dangnabbit, they WON.
Fulham, feel shame. Hang those heads. Lower. You got rid of my fellow Arlington Heights, IL native Brian McBride, your former captain, now you are dead to me.
MIDDLESBOROUGH 2, TOTTENHAM 1
Patrick, your quatrains have been rendered inaccurate. You feel shame too.
WEST HAM 2, WIGAN 1
The way my Saturday unfolded, this was the one game I would actually have time to watch. Given it was opening weekend and all, I was kind of pumped. Then West Ham scored twice in the first ten minutes and that was the end of that. I turned on the Olympics and watched an American guy swordfight against a French guy, both wearing robot costumes. 2 goals for the Hammers Dean Ashton. I guess Wigan came back and made a game of it later, but whatever.
LIVERPOOL 1, SUNDERLAND 0
First, Liverpool slogs to a 0-0 draw against some Belgian team in the Champions League last week, then they play footsy for 80 minutes with B-listers Sunderland before finally getting a goal to win. I am non-plussed.
CHELSEA 4, PORTSMOUTH 0
Chelsea got the word from Putin that Russia is going to start crushing everyone so Russia's team better do the same. This is what is called delivering a message. Goals for Cole, Lampard, Anelka, and in his first English game after coming over from Barca, Deco. One more goal and Deco will have as many as he scored for Barca in La Liga play in the last 2 seasons combined. I guess he's still considered good though. OK, I guess I'll take your word for it.
ASTON VILLA 4, MANCHESTER CITY 2
Not just a hat trick for Villa's Gabriel Agbonlahor, but what's called a "perfect hat trick". A perfect hat trick is when you score with your right foot, your left foot, and your head. I'm not going to get into what you have to score the 4th goal with in order to get a "perfect golden sombrero".
MANCHESTER UNITED 1, NEWCASTLE UNITED 1
Darren Fletcher's goal vaporized a short-lived 1-0 lead for Newcastle, as the defending champions of all Europe get a draw out of a lackluster Cristiano Ronaldo-less effort.
The Premiership has an Official Website, and I think all it needs for it to be a great website on a par with say NFL.com is for a cataclysmic electromagnetic disturbance to occur, making it 1996 again. Given the unlikelihood of that, I think you're all better off coming here to find out what went on in Merry Old England over the weekend.
It won't be as in depth or as pithy as my NFL stuff, but I will do my best yes?
So here we go.
ARSENAL 1, WEST BROM 0
Albion is one of the 3 squads that are new to the Premiership this year, and were expected to be thumped on the road by mighty Arsenal in the season opener.
That didn't happen, but Arsenal did get their 3 points. New acquisition Samir Nasri (signed from Marseille) scored in the 4th minute, and the Gunners hung on for a workmanlike 1-0 victory. Samir now may get some conjugal visits. Back up in your ass with the resurrection. That's Office Space, people.
Kind of a droopy beginning of the season for Arsenal, but they did have a Champions League match against Holland's Twente earlier in the week. So we'll chalk it up to them being tired.
Good news for Arsenal, they locked up their star forward, Emanuel Adebayor, to a long term deal this week, so he'll be around for a while.
BOLTON 3, STOKE CITY 1
Stoke City goes by the name "The Potters". Bolton Wanderers took them to Hogwarts in a big way in the Potters first top flight game since 1985. Stoke City held the game scoreless for the first half hour, but Bolton defenseman Gretar Steinsson opened the scoring, and the Wanderers never looked back for a win in front of the home crowd.
BLACKBURN 3, EVERTON 2
Rovers have a new manager this year, former Man U stalwart Paul Ince. This was Ince's first game as a Premiership manager, and the result was an upset win at one of the better clubs in the league.
The match was an entertaining see-saw affair. Rovers took an early lead when David Dunn scored in the 22nd minute. Everton equalized in the 45th minute, and took the lead in the 64th minute on a header by Ayegbeni Yakubu. That lead lasted only a minute though, as Roque Santa Cruz evened things up at 2. Then, in extra time, Rovers defender Andre Oojer emerged from a scramble after a free kick to tap home a stunning game winner.
Everton's manager David Moyes summed up his disgust by telling reporters after the game, "We gave away a daft free kick for their winner." He then said, "CROWN THEIR ASS." Only I think he said "ARSE" instead, because this is English football after all.
HULL CITY 2, FULHAM 1
This was "The Tigers" (Hull City's logo has their nickname in quotation marks. I suppose this is so we know this is just a nickname and that they are not actual tigers.) first game ever at the top level of English Football, and dangnabbit, they WON.
Fulham, feel shame. Hang those heads. Lower. You got rid of my fellow Arlington Heights, IL native Brian McBride, your former captain, now you are dead to me.
MIDDLESBOROUGH 2, TOTTENHAM 1
Patrick, your quatrains have been rendered inaccurate. You feel shame too.
WEST HAM 2, WIGAN 1
The way my Saturday unfolded, this was the one game I would actually have time to watch. Given it was opening weekend and all, I was kind of pumped. Then West Ham scored twice in the first ten minutes and that was the end of that. I turned on the Olympics and watched an American guy swordfight against a French guy, both wearing robot costumes. 2 goals for the Hammers Dean Ashton. I guess Wigan came back and made a game of it later, but whatever.
LIVERPOOL 1, SUNDERLAND 0
First, Liverpool slogs to a 0-0 draw against some Belgian team in the Champions League last week, then they play footsy for 80 minutes with B-listers Sunderland before finally getting a goal to win. I am non-plussed.
CHELSEA 4, PORTSMOUTH 0
Chelsea got the word from Putin that Russia is going to start crushing everyone so Russia's team better do the same. This is what is called delivering a message. Goals for Cole, Lampard, Anelka, and in his first English game after coming over from Barca, Deco. One more goal and Deco will have as many as he scored for Barca in La Liga play in the last 2 seasons combined. I guess he's still considered good though. OK, I guess I'll take your word for it.
ASTON VILLA 4, MANCHESTER CITY 2
Not just a hat trick for Villa's Gabriel Agbonlahor, but what's called a "perfect hat trick". A perfect hat trick is when you score with your right foot, your left foot, and your head. I'm not going to get into what you have to score the 4th goal with in order to get a "perfect golden sombrero".
MANCHESTER UNITED 1, NEWCASTLE UNITED 1
Darren Fletcher's goal vaporized a short-lived 1-0 lead for Newcastle, as the defending champions of all Europe get a draw out of a lackluster Cristiano Ronaldo-less effort.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Red Hot Wet Preseason Action- The End of Week 1
BENGALS 20, PACKERS 17
I fully expect Aaron Rodgers to have a whole season of getting the Alicia Sacramone treatment, with a camera being shoved in his face every time he screws up, hoping for him to cry.
I expect Rodgers to do OK, but he was so-so in this game. He completed 9 of 15 with a TD to James Jones and an INT. He did get a nice warm ovation from the Lambeau crowd though.
Jones ran 10 yards for his TD after getting his helmet knocked off, which was neat.
Ryan Grant continues to sit after a lengthy holdout, so Brandon Jackson got the bulk of the carries, and had 44 yards on 6 attempts. This Packers running back situation is going to create a little bit of a dilemma in fantasy drafts, you just watch.
Chris Perry had a nice showing at RB for the Bengals with Rudi Johnson out. So it looks like he's got the inside track to be the backup.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
Cincy drafted USC LB Keith Rivers with the ninth pick. He's been holding out for a while now, but just signed. He didn't play.
Green Bay didn't have a first round pick. If you are wondering what happened to that French baby that had that song in the 90's, Jordy, I think the Packers drafted him as a receiver in the second round. His last name is Nelson. They also drafted Louisville QB Brian Brohm, who last year at this time was supposed to be the first pick in the 08 draft. He sucked last year though, sunk to the second round, and continued to suck in his first pro outing, going 8 of 17 with an INT.
CHARGERS 31, COWBOYS 17
It's taken over 80 years, but I think we've finally found the first white running back since Red Grange who can actually play. No, Franco Harris was not white. I'm talking about Chargers rookie Jacob Hester, who played for the national champion LSU team last year. He's the new backup to LT, and mark my words, he will be one of the top selling jerseys in the NFL at this time next year. Because there's nothing meatball football fans loves more than a fast white person. Hester carried 13 times for 49 yards and 2 TDs.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
My favorite part of the new Hard Knocks season was watching that guy in the Cowboys draft room trying to sell Jerry Jones on fellow Razorback Felix Jones. They were trying to decide between him and Rashard Mendenhall, and the guy is all like, "Mendenhall is more of an every down back, but we already have Marion Barber as our every down back." Jerry got this insane gleam in his eye and was like, well I guess we have to take the guy from my school then that I've had a boner for since 4 years ago. Twist my arm. It was like watching a doctor tell Rush Limbaugh be told he could have aspirin or Oxycontin, but the doctor recommend he take Oxycontin. Felix had 61 yards of total offense. He'll be good.
The Chargers took Arizona corner Antoine Cason. He'll probably be the third corner behind Antonio Cromartie and Quentin Jammer, but he saw a lot of action in this game, with 7 tackles and a PD.
TEXANS 19, BRONCOS 16
It's time for the August sport of "Try to Figure Out Who Shanahan's Running Back Will Be Before Your Fantasy Draft". Remember 2 years ago when Mike Bell was his guy, but at your draft the big board with all the stickers didn't have one for Mike Bell, because not even the fantasy website knew who he was? I remember that. Well, remember this name, Andre Hall. He led the Broncos with 8 carries for 43 yards.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
Both teams did the wholesome thing, taking left tackles with their first round picks. Ryan Clady started for the Broncos and Duane Brown started for Houston. Sound planning, Sane tomorrow.
TITANS 34, RAMS 13
Was it really almost 10 years ago already that these teams played in the Super Bowl. God, I am going to be dead so soon.
Marc Bulger completed 3 of 9 with a Pick Six for the Rams, who are an early favorite to land that #1 pick next year. Bulger also just missed throwing a 1 yard TD pass to Javon Kearse, meaning he threw one right into Kearse's belly that could have been picked off for a TD in his own end zone.
UFA Quinton Ganther ran for 115 yards and 2 TDs for the T's. Vince Young had a nifty 35 yard run. He is redefining the position, just like Michael Vick did when he won all those Super Bowls for the Falcons.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
And the winner of the award for best first preseason game by a first round pick in 2008 goes to Titans RB Chris Johnson. The 24th overall pick from E. Carolina broke a 66 yard run for a TD. Keep in mind though, he did this against a defense that let Quinton Ganther roll up 115 yards against them.
Second overall pick Chris Long started at DE for the Rams and was invisible to the human eye.
PANTHERS 23, COLTS 20
The Colts are now 0-2 on the preseason. Peyton Manning, resting his swollen bursa sac. Meanwhile, Jim Sorgi may be in danger of losing his cushy job as backup Colts QB, as Jared Lorenzen threw a pair of TD passes while Sorgi threw none but did throw an INT.
D'Angelo Williams had 2 rushing TDs for the Cats, who remain my pick for the Surprise Team of 2008.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
Jonathan Stewart was taken with the 13th pick to be D'Angelo's running mate. He's recovering from toe surgery but may play next week. They also took OT Jeff Otah with the 19th pick, and he started this game at right tackle.
The Colts didn't have a first round pick. I don't think they've had a first round pick in my lifetime since Peyton Manning.
JAGUARS 20, FALCONS 17
Man I am going to kick myself in the nuts if Roddy White keeps getting better after I didn't make him one of my 3 fantasy keepers. He continues to look like a stud. He caught 5 passes for 47 yards, including Matt Ryan's first TD pass in an NFL uniform.
I kept Maurice Jones-Drew instead of him, he had 5 carries for 23 yards. He does that alot.
Michael Turner made his Falcons debut and had 22 yards on 5 carries. Matt Jones used his super cocaine powers to catch 3 passes for 37 yards and lead the Jags in receiving. Only now, when he is going to go to jail, does the light finally go on for him.
UFA DE Mkristo Bruce had 2 1/2 sacks and 5 tackles for the Jags.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
Ryan was pretty good in his NFL debut, completing 9 of 13 for 113 yards and a TD.
Jacksonville traded up to the 8th spot to get a guy who is supposed to be a beast in former USC DE Derrick Harvey. He's still a holdout though, and that's a problem.
BUCS 17, DOLPHINS 6
It's going to be awesome watching this Dolphins disaster unfold while Parcells tries to verify which side of his body his ass is on. It really is hard to tell with him.
Chad Pennington will be the Dolphins QB to start the season, but he didn't play in this game. Dreadlocked Cheeba Squeezer Ricky Williams emerged from a cloud of ganja smoke to carry 5 times for 31 yards, and not get hurt. Amazing.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
#1 overall pick Jake Long started at left tackle for the Dolphins, and did his offensive lineman thing. Which brings me to my plea for the NFL to create and track some kind of individual stat for offensive linemen so I can talk about how they played with some kind of idea what I am talking about.
The Bucs took Kansas corner Aquib Talib with the 20th pick to be the heir apparent to Ronde Barber, and well, Ronde Barber is still playing, so whatever. Check back with me in 2010 on this guy.
REDSKINS 17, BILLS 14
Jim Zorn is 2-0 in his NFL Preseason Head Coaching Career! He's a sleeper if you draft coaches in your fantasy league, which I don't think anybody does.
I keep reading that Trent Edwards is definitely the Bills QB this year. But, well, Edwards kind of sucked (1 for 5 18 yards) in this game, and JP Losman was 7 of 9 for 73 and a TD to rookie James Hardy (Indiana).
As for the Skins, they look like they feel like they can do some things, and they might be right. Jason Campbell is one of the better QBs in the NFC, Clinton Portis and Ladell Betts are a good running back combo, and Antwaan Randle El has looked like he is liking the new offense in 2 preseason games so far.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
Buffalo took Troy corner Leodis McKelvin, and he had a 40 yard punt return in this game, and played a pretty good corner. He looks good.
Washington didn't have a 1st round pick, and their second round pick WR Devin Thomas was out of this game with a sore hamstring.
That's it for Week 1 of the Preseason, it's in the can! For those of you wondering about your AFC previews, I'll try and sneak those in during the remainder of the preseason. The operative word being try. I leave for Hawaii in 10 days for my own personal Pro Bowl trip, so I'm not making any promises.
I fully expect Aaron Rodgers to have a whole season of getting the Alicia Sacramone treatment, with a camera being shoved in his face every time he screws up, hoping for him to cry.
I expect Rodgers to do OK, but he was so-so in this game. He completed 9 of 15 with a TD to James Jones and an INT. He did get a nice warm ovation from the Lambeau crowd though.
Jones ran 10 yards for his TD after getting his helmet knocked off, which was neat.
Ryan Grant continues to sit after a lengthy holdout, so Brandon Jackson got the bulk of the carries, and had 44 yards on 6 attempts. This Packers running back situation is going to create a little bit of a dilemma in fantasy drafts, you just watch.
Chris Perry had a nice showing at RB for the Bengals with Rudi Johnson out. So it looks like he's got the inside track to be the backup.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
Cincy drafted USC LB Keith Rivers with the ninth pick. He's been holding out for a while now, but just signed. He didn't play.
Green Bay didn't have a first round pick. If you are wondering what happened to that French baby that had that song in the 90's, Jordy, I think the Packers drafted him as a receiver in the second round. His last name is Nelson. They also drafted Louisville QB Brian Brohm, who last year at this time was supposed to be the first pick in the 08 draft. He sucked last year though, sunk to the second round, and continued to suck in his first pro outing, going 8 of 17 with an INT.
CHARGERS 31, COWBOYS 17
It's taken over 80 years, but I think we've finally found the first white running back since Red Grange who can actually play. No, Franco Harris was not white. I'm talking about Chargers rookie Jacob Hester, who played for the national champion LSU team last year. He's the new backup to LT, and mark my words, he will be one of the top selling jerseys in the NFL at this time next year. Because there's nothing meatball football fans loves more than a fast white person. Hester carried 13 times for 49 yards and 2 TDs.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
My favorite part of the new Hard Knocks season was watching that guy in the Cowboys draft room trying to sell Jerry Jones on fellow Razorback Felix Jones. They were trying to decide between him and Rashard Mendenhall, and the guy is all like, "Mendenhall is more of an every down back, but we already have Marion Barber as our every down back." Jerry got this insane gleam in his eye and was like, well I guess we have to take the guy from my school then that I've had a boner for since 4 years ago. Twist my arm. It was like watching a doctor tell Rush Limbaugh be told he could have aspirin or Oxycontin, but the doctor recommend he take Oxycontin. Felix had 61 yards of total offense. He'll be good.
The Chargers took Arizona corner Antoine Cason. He'll probably be the third corner behind Antonio Cromartie and Quentin Jammer, but he saw a lot of action in this game, with 7 tackles and a PD.
TEXANS 19, BRONCOS 16
It's time for the August sport of "Try to Figure Out Who Shanahan's Running Back Will Be Before Your Fantasy Draft". Remember 2 years ago when Mike Bell was his guy, but at your draft the big board with all the stickers didn't have one for Mike Bell, because not even the fantasy website knew who he was? I remember that. Well, remember this name, Andre Hall. He led the Broncos with 8 carries for 43 yards.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
Both teams did the wholesome thing, taking left tackles with their first round picks. Ryan Clady started for the Broncos and Duane Brown started for Houston. Sound planning, Sane tomorrow.
TITANS 34, RAMS 13
Was it really almost 10 years ago already that these teams played in the Super Bowl. God, I am going to be dead so soon.
Marc Bulger completed 3 of 9 with a Pick Six for the Rams, who are an early favorite to land that #1 pick next year. Bulger also just missed throwing a 1 yard TD pass to Javon Kearse, meaning he threw one right into Kearse's belly that could have been picked off for a TD in his own end zone.
UFA Quinton Ganther ran for 115 yards and 2 TDs for the T's. Vince Young had a nifty 35 yard run. He is redefining the position, just like Michael Vick did when he won all those Super Bowls for the Falcons.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
And the winner of the award for best first preseason game by a first round pick in 2008 goes to Titans RB Chris Johnson. The 24th overall pick from E. Carolina broke a 66 yard run for a TD. Keep in mind though, he did this against a defense that let Quinton Ganther roll up 115 yards against them.
Second overall pick Chris Long started at DE for the Rams and was invisible to the human eye.
PANTHERS 23, COLTS 20
The Colts are now 0-2 on the preseason. Peyton Manning, resting his swollen bursa sac. Meanwhile, Jim Sorgi may be in danger of losing his cushy job as backup Colts QB, as Jared Lorenzen threw a pair of TD passes while Sorgi threw none but did throw an INT.
D'Angelo Williams had 2 rushing TDs for the Cats, who remain my pick for the Surprise Team of 2008.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
Jonathan Stewart was taken with the 13th pick to be D'Angelo's running mate. He's recovering from toe surgery but may play next week. They also took OT Jeff Otah with the 19th pick, and he started this game at right tackle.
The Colts didn't have a first round pick. I don't think they've had a first round pick in my lifetime since Peyton Manning.
JAGUARS 20, FALCONS 17
Man I am going to kick myself in the nuts if Roddy White keeps getting better after I didn't make him one of my 3 fantasy keepers. He continues to look like a stud. He caught 5 passes for 47 yards, including Matt Ryan's first TD pass in an NFL uniform.
I kept Maurice Jones-Drew instead of him, he had 5 carries for 23 yards. He does that alot.
Michael Turner made his Falcons debut and had 22 yards on 5 carries. Matt Jones used his super cocaine powers to catch 3 passes for 37 yards and lead the Jags in receiving. Only now, when he is going to go to jail, does the light finally go on for him.
UFA DE Mkristo Bruce had 2 1/2 sacks and 5 tackles for the Jags.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
Ryan was pretty good in his NFL debut, completing 9 of 13 for 113 yards and a TD.
Jacksonville traded up to the 8th spot to get a guy who is supposed to be a beast in former USC DE Derrick Harvey. He's still a holdout though, and that's a problem.
BUCS 17, DOLPHINS 6
It's going to be awesome watching this Dolphins disaster unfold while Parcells tries to verify which side of his body his ass is on. It really is hard to tell with him.
Chad Pennington will be the Dolphins QB to start the season, but he didn't play in this game. Dreadlocked Cheeba Squeezer Ricky Williams emerged from a cloud of ganja smoke to carry 5 times for 31 yards, and not get hurt. Amazing.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
#1 overall pick Jake Long started at left tackle for the Dolphins, and did his offensive lineman thing. Which brings me to my plea for the NFL to create and track some kind of individual stat for offensive linemen so I can talk about how they played with some kind of idea what I am talking about.
The Bucs took Kansas corner Aquib Talib with the 20th pick to be the heir apparent to Ronde Barber, and well, Ronde Barber is still playing, so whatever. Check back with me in 2010 on this guy.
REDSKINS 17, BILLS 14
Jim Zorn is 2-0 in his NFL Preseason Head Coaching Career! He's a sleeper if you draft coaches in your fantasy league, which I don't think anybody does.
I keep reading that Trent Edwards is definitely the Bills QB this year. But, well, Edwards kind of sucked (1 for 5 18 yards) in this game, and JP Losman was 7 of 9 for 73 and a TD to rookie James Hardy (Indiana).
As for the Skins, they look like they feel like they can do some things, and they might be right. Jason Campbell is one of the better QBs in the NFC, Clinton Portis and Ladell Betts are a good running back combo, and Antwaan Randle El has looked like he is liking the new offense in 2 preseason games so far.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
Buffalo took Troy corner Leodis McKelvin, and he had a 40 yard punt return in this game, and played a pretty good corner. He looks good.
Washington didn't have a 1st round pick, and their second round pick WR Devin Thomas was out of this game with a sore hamstring.
That's it for Week 1 of the Preseason, it's in the can! For those of you wondering about your AFC previews, I'll try and sneak those in during the remainder of the preseason. The operative word being try. I leave for Hawaii in 10 days for my own personal Pro Bowl trip, so I'm not making any promises.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
EPL Predictions
While Nick's bachelor party left him with brain damage, mine was a dinner at some place I don't even remember. Oh, and Nick, it WAS Bite that I was going to watch but they changed the ticket to some impersonation bullshit that was kind of boring. I did see Love, the Beatles Cirque de Soleil and it was the bomb track.
Last year when I made my EPL table prediction, I put Newcastle in the top 10 and bet Oli and lost. So here I go again and challenge Oli to bring another bet on. Also, if anyone starts an EPL fantasy football, I'm game.
1. Tottenham - Conventional wisdom pits the EPL between Chelsea and Man U, but I'm high on Boss Juande Ramos and new signings Modric and Giovanni dos Santos.
2. Chelsea - God, I wish. But Deco is not enough to put them over the top, but Robinho might be. Sike. But with Kaka mad for not being allowed to go to the Olympics, word on the street is he's looking for a move to Chelsea. If Kaka transfers to Chelsea, I'll move them to #1.
3. Man Utd - Please. The only player I'm high on is Carlos Tevez. Overrated team riding on Cristiano Ronaldo's lucky awesome year.
4. Liverpool - Sorry, Oli. Robbie Keane, Philipp Degen, Andrea Dossena and Diego Cavalieri are just not enough.
5. Arsenal - Carlos Vela is the shit. If they pick up Ruben de la Red from Real Madrid, I'll move them above Liverpool. The problem with this team is that it depends on youth, and youth tends to be streaky.
6. Aston Villa - Feeder team to repeat to a 6 spot? I'm insane. But I just don't like Everton.
7. Everton - Lucky shit last year riding on Joleon Lescott. Boring.
8. Man City - Alright, so their owner is charged with corruption and has 80 billion frozen by the Thailand government. Soooooo what? Boss Mark Hughes is the man and Jo is a great pick up. If they picked up Ronaldinho, they would have been contenders regardless of people thinking he's over the hill. Now? Just a solid team.
9. Portsmouth - Lucky ass FA Cup win? Nope.
10. Newcastle - DAMMIT. I BELIEVE.
11. West Ham - Overpaid players and injury prone to boot. Have fun West Ham fans. As if losing to MLS All Stars wasn't a forshadowing.
12. Wigan - Boss Steve Bruce keeps this team floating by his strats and nothing else.
13. Middlesbrough - I want to rank them higher, but they're more inconsistant than John McCain's boners.
14. Blackburn - Losing David Bentley drops this team from 7th to 14th because they use the transfer money to pay their people for more sheep. Because their export is wool. Get it? Sheep? Wool? Sheep + People = Sheeple? Fuck.
15. Sunderland - Boss Roy Keane is the man, but this team needs players. I don't care how good your motivational skills are. Motivating dog shit doesn't make it smell better.
16. Fulham - Shitted out all the American players after barely escaping regulation and will realize they still suck.
17. West Brom - Zzzz.
18. Bolton - Spent a shit ton in the transfer market for Johan Elmander and Fabrice Muamba. Wow. Way to make an impact. I have a bridge to sell Bolton.
19. Stoke City - Welcome to promotion, Regulation City.
20. Hull City - Welcome to promotion, Regulation City.
Last year when I made my EPL table prediction, I put Newcastle in the top 10 and bet Oli and lost. So here I go again and challenge Oli to bring another bet on. Also, if anyone starts an EPL fantasy football, I'm game.
1. Tottenham - Conventional wisdom pits the EPL between Chelsea and Man U, but I'm high on Boss Juande Ramos and new signings Modric and Giovanni dos Santos.
2. Chelsea - God, I wish. But Deco is not enough to put them over the top, but Robinho might be. Sike. But with Kaka mad for not being allowed to go to the Olympics, word on the street is he's looking for a move to Chelsea. If Kaka transfers to Chelsea, I'll move them to #1.
3. Man Utd - Please. The only player I'm high on is Carlos Tevez. Overrated team riding on Cristiano Ronaldo's lucky awesome year.
4. Liverpool - Sorry, Oli. Robbie Keane, Philipp Degen, Andrea Dossena and Diego Cavalieri are just not enough.
5. Arsenal - Carlos Vela is the shit. If they pick up Ruben de la Red from Real Madrid, I'll move them above Liverpool. The problem with this team is that it depends on youth, and youth tends to be streaky.
6. Aston Villa - Feeder team to repeat to a 6 spot? I'm insane. But I just don't like Everton.
7. Everton - Lucky shit last year riding on Joleon Lescott. Boring.
8. Man City - Alright, so their owner is charged with corruption and has 80 billion frozen by the Thailand government. Soooooo what? Boss Mark Hughes is the man and Jo is a great pick up. If they picked up Ronaldinho, they would have been contenders regardless of people thinking he's over the hill. Now? Just a solid team.
9. Portsmouth - Lucky ass FA Cup win? Nope.
10. Newcastle - DAMMIT. I BELIEVE.
11. West Ham - Overpaid players and injury prone to boot. Have fun West Ham fans. As if losing to MLS All Stars wasn't a forshadowing.
12. Wigan - Boss Steve Bruce keeps this team floating by his strats and nothing else.
13. Middlesbrough - I want to rank them higher, but they're more inconsistant than John McCain's boners.
14. Blackburn - Losing David Bentley drops this team from 7th to 14th because they use the transfer money to pay their people for more sheep. Because their export is wool. Get it? Sheep? Wool? Sheep + People = Sheeple? Fuck.
15. Sunderland - Boss Roy Keane is the man, but this team needs players. I don't care how good your motivational skills are. Motivating dog shit doesn't make it smell better.
16. Fulham - Shitted out all the American players after barely escaping regulation and will realize they still suck.
17. West Brom - Zzzz.
18. Bolton - Spent a shit ton in the transfer market for Johan Elmander and Fabrice Muamba. Wow. Way to make an impact. I have a bridge to sell Bolton.
19. Stoke City - Welcome to promotion, Regulation City.
20. Hull City - Welcome to promotion, Regulation City.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Red Hot Wet Preseason Action- Week 1 Cont.
I had my Bachelor Party on Saturday. I am now struggling with what I am pretty sure is brain damage. So this should be an awesome post.
STEELERS 16, EAGLES 10
Charlie Batch broke his collarbone, which seems to happen a lot to that guy. He may need to start drinking more Malk. Other than that calamity though, things went well for the Steelers. The first offense clicked pretty nicely, with Willie Parker rushing 3 times for 20 yards, and Gentle Ben completing both of his pass attempts for 38 yards and a TD to Santonio Holmes.
McNabb was 10 of 13 with a TD pass for the Eagles, while second round pick DeSean Jackson had an impressive debut with 5 catches for 51 yards.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
The Steelers drafted former Illini running back Rashard Mendenhall to be Parker's tag team partner, and Mendenhall did very nicely in this game, with 7 carries for 34 yards.
Philly didn't need no stinkin first round draft pick.
SEAHAWKS 34, VIKINGS 17
Good thing the Seahawks weren't playing the Twins. Nobody beats the Piranias in the Metrodome! Punto my Bunto! Barf. They make me sick.
Chanukkah Wallace threw 3 TD passes for the Hawks. He's lucky that Kevin Slowey wasn't out there for Minnesota, nobody scores on him. Maurice Morris rocked shit against what was the best run defense in the league last year, carrying 6 times for 62 yards. Hasselbeck went 7 of 8 with a TD pass.
Come to think of it, the Vikings just got their asses lit up in this game. Maybe they were sad that they didn't get Brett Favre after all. Adrian Peterson didn't touch the ball though, so don't panic yet.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
Seattle grabbed USC DE Lawrence Jackson late in the first round, and he made an immediate Preseason impact. He had 3 tackles, a sack, and a forced fumble in this game. I'm loving the way the Seahawks added another pass rusher to add to what was already a team strength, they get a fish biscuit.
RAIDERS 18, NINERS 6
JaMarcus Russell continues to not impress, as he lit up the Niners for 2 completions in 5 attempts for 13 yards. Right now he's got "B", another bad year and he gets "U". 2 more years, and he's Alex Smith.
Speaking of terrible 49er quarterbacks, Smith, JT O'Sullivan, and Shawn Hill all are "competing", with the "winner" getting to play "quarterback" for the Niners. They all played bad, and will continue to play bad for the forseeable future.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
The only redeeming quality of this game was that it was our first look at Darren McFadden in an NFL uniform. He had 12 carries for 48 yards. Too soon to tell if he's Adrian Peterson or if he's Reggie Bush.
The Niners picked late in the first round even though they were terrible last year, probably because of some retarded trade they made, and got N. Carolina DE Kentwan Balmer. Balmer had 1 tackle.
I'll hit you back with the rest of the Week 1 action either tonight or tomorrow. I gots to, because Week 2 starts tomorrow night!
STEELERS 16, EAGLES 10
Charlie Batch broke his collarbone, which seems to happen a lot to that guy. He may need to start drinking more Malk. Other than that calamity though, things went well for the Steelers. The first offense clicked pretty nicely, with Willie Parker rushing 3 times for 20 yards, and Gentle Ben completing both of his pass attempts for 38 yards and a TD to Santonio Holmes.
McNabb was 10 of 13 with a TD pass for the Eagles, while second round pick DeSean Jackson had an impressive debut with 5 catches for 51 yards.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
The Steelers drafted former Illini running back Rashard Mendenhall to be Parker's tag team partner, and Mendenhall did very nicely in this game, with 7 carries for 34 yards.
Philly didn't need no stinkin first round draft pick.
SEAHAWKS 34, VIKINGS 17
Good thing the Seahawks weren't playing the Twins. Nobody beats the Piranias in the Metrodome! Punto my Bunto! Barf. They make me sick.
Chanukkah Wallace threw 3 TD passes for the Hawks. He's lucky that Kevin Slowey wasn't out there for Minnesota, nobody scores on him. Maurice Morris rocked shit against what was the best run defense in the league last year, carrying 6 times for 62 yards. Hasselbeck went 7 of 8 with a TD pass.
Come to think of it, the Vikings just got their asses lit up in this game. Maybe they were sad that they didn't get Brett Favre after all. Adrian Peterson didn't touch the ball though, so don't panic yet.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
Seattle grabbed USC DE Lawrence Jackson late in the first round, and he made an immediate Preseason impact. He had 3 tackles, a sack, and a forced fumble in this game. I'm loving the way the Seahawks added another pass rusher to add to what was already a team strength, they get a fish biscuit.
RAIDERS 18, NINERS 6
JaMarcus Russell continues to not impress, as he lit up the Niners for 2 completions in 5 attempts for 13 yards. Right now he's got "B", another bad year and he gets "U". 2 more years, and he's Alex Smith.
Speaking of terrible 49er quarterbacks, Smith, JT O'Sullivan, and Shawn Hill all are "competing", with the "winner" getting to play "quarterback" for the Niners. They all played bad, and will continue to play bad for the forseeable future.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
The only redeeming quality of this game was that it was our first look at Darren McFadden in an NFL uniform. He had 12 carries for 48 yards. Too soon to tell if he's Adrian Peterson or if he's Reggie Bush.
The Niners picked late in the first round even though they were terrible last year, probably because of some retarded trade they made, and got N. Carolina DE Kentwan Balmer. Balmer had 1 tackle.
I'll hit you back with the rest of the Week 1 action either tonight or tomorrow. I gots to, because Week 2 starts tomorrow night!
Friday, August 8, 2008
Red Hot Wet Preseason Action- Week 1
What to my wondering eyes should appear last night but 3 preseason games on TV simultaneously! On the local FOX affiliate I had the Bears and Chiefs, The Boo-Yas had Arizona/New Orleans, and the NY CBS affilliate had Jets/Browns. It was like having the ghetto Preseason Thursday Ticket I tells ya.
Actually, all told there were 5 preseason tilts last night, and I'm going to recap them all. Right now.
LIONS 13, GIANTS 10
The Champs begin their title defense with a loss to the Lions. Congratulations!
Jon Kitna looked comfy in the new post-Martz offense, completing 6 of 7 for 106 yards and a TD to Roy Williams. Calvin Johnson looked like the star in the making the Lions hope he is with 4 catches for 78 yards.
Eli was just 2 of 6 for 19 yards. David Carr came on in relief and threw a TD to Craphonso Thorpe. I smell a QB controversy. Oh, wait, never mind, I farted.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
The Lions took BC offensive tackle Gosder Cherilus with the 17th pick. He looked somewhat confused out there, and was pulled from the game for a little while to think about the concept of a snap count.
Kenny Phillips is the Giants chosen one, the 31st pick out of Miami came on as a substitute as safety and led The Champs with 8 tackles.
RAVENS 16, PATRIOTS 15
The Patriots have lost their second game in a row. We can only hope for the sake of their long suffering fans that they break The Curse next week. I mean, if you flip a coin 100 times you would think that 1 of those times it would come up heads, right?
Patriot Nation can take solace in LaMont Jordan's strong New England debut, carrying for 76 yards and a TD. Tom Brady didn't play, but 3 other Patriot QBs did and combined for 0 TD and 3 INTs.
As for the Ravens and new coach John Harbaugh, they had the pleasure of watching their former QB of the future, Kyle Boller, go 11 of 15 for 102 yards. His favorite target was Derrick Mason, who had 3 catches for 54 yards. Too bad he is on my shit list forever after crapping down his leg for my fantasy team 2 years ago.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
Jerod Mayo showed why the Pats traded up and made him the 10th pick in the draft, unleashing a YouTube Helmet Go Flying hit on Ravens' second round RB Ray Rice.
Joe "The Thin Man" Flacco, the Ravens new QB of the future and the 18th pick in this year's draft, went 0 for 3 and fumbled. He probably won't be good until the Ravens give up on him and draft another QB of the future. Look what it did for Kyle Boller.
JETS 24, BROWNS 20
If you have David Clowney on your Preseason Fantasy League Team, you my friend, are going to win this week. The Clown Prince of the Exhibition Season had 4 catches for 163 yards, and a pair of long TD receptions from Jets rookie QB Brett Ratliff, who I think has more career TD passes now than the last QB to come out of Utah, Sir Alex Smith.
Jets 4th round corner Dwight Lowery not only had an interception, but he had a 62 yard punt return for what proved to be the game winning TD. He may have a future in this line of work, which is good, because that job market sucks right now.
There was a 1 hour rain delay in this game because Brett Favre was on the Jets sideline thinking about something sad, so it started raining.
Braylon Edwards caught a TD pass from Derek Anderson. Get used to that sentence. Unless one of them gets hurt. Then all bets are off.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
The Browns didn't have a first round pick. They didn't have a second or third round pick either. That my friends, is called a win NOW mentality.
The Jets had 2 first round picks though. The guy they took with the 6th pick is DE Vernon Gholston. He had 3 tackles. No sacks though. Purdue TE Dustin Keller came with the 30th pick. He had 1 catch for 5 yards. Look out NFL!
SAINTS 24, CARDINALS 10
Saints WR Robert Meachem missed all of his rookie season with a broken leg. He's much better now though, and caught 4 passes for 129 yards, including a dazzling 60 yard TD reception that was almost all YAC (yards after catch).
Reggie Bush looks like he's in midseason form, carrying 7 times for 22 yards. Nobody averages 3 yards a carry like he does. I'm soooo glad I dropped his ass from my fantasy team and kept Housh instead. Oh, and I'm totally drafting Robert Meachem too. 1000 yard season for him this year, I guarantee it. Razzle freaking dazzle.
Matt Leinart completed 7 of 8 passes, but took an ass reaming from Tony Kornheiser that would have made me cry if he was talking about me.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
Cards corner Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie had 2 tackles. He may or may not have been the guy that fell down on Meacham's nifty run, the postage stamp sized replay on NFL.com was inconclusive.
7th overall pick Sedrick Ellis started at defensive tackle for the Saints but didn't have any tackles or nuthin. He just ran into people and made grunting noises probably. RRRAAAARRRRRGHHHH!
CHIEFS 24, BEARS 20
For those of you thinking the Bears are going to get by this year because of their defense, the Chiefs went right..down...the...field on their opening drive of the game, culminating in a TD run by LJ. The Chiefs. With Brodie Croyle at QB.
Former Chicago arena league star Bobby Sippio caught the game winning TD. The Bears' new starting running back, Matt Forte, did his best Cedric Benson and averaged a little over 3 yards a carry.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
Bears left tackle Chris Williams has a herniated disc and is out for the year. That's just a real nice surprise Clark.
Chiefs' DT Glenn Dorsey sat out with a sprained knee. OT Branden Albert also sat out. The Chiefs plan to get these guys ready by not playing them.
Actually, all told there were 5 preseason tilts last night, and I'm going to recap them all. Right now.
LIONS 13, GIANTS 10
The Champs begin their title defense with a loss to the Lions. Congratulations!
Jon Kitna looked comfy in the new post-Martz offense, completing 6 of 7 for 106 yards and a TD to Roy Williams. Calvin Johnson looked like the star in the making the Lions hope he is with 4 catches for 78 yards.
Eli was just 2 of 6 for 19 yards. David Carr came on in relief and threw a TD to Craphonso Thorpe. I smell a QB controversy. Oh, wait, never mind, I farted.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
The Lions took BC offensive tackle Gosder Cherilus with the 17th pick. He looked somewhat confused out there, and was pulled from the game for a little while to think about the concept of a snap count.
Kenny Phillips is the Giants chosen one, the 31st pick out of Miami came on as a substitute as safety and led The Champs with 8 tackles.
RAVENS 16, PATRIOTS 15
The Patriots have lost their second game in a row. We can only hope for the sake of their long suffering fans that they break The Curse next week. I mean, if you flip a coin 100 times you would think that 1 of those times it would come up heads, right?
Patriot Nation can take solace in LaMont Jordan's strong New England debut, carrying for 76 yards and a TD. Tom Brady didn't play, but 3 other Patriot QBs did and combined for 0 TD and 3 INTs.
As for the Ravens and new coach John Harbaugh, they had the pleasure of watching their former QB of the future, Kyle Boller, go 11 of 15 for 102 yards. His favorite target was Derrick Mason, who had 3 catches for 54 yards. Too bad he is on my shit list forever after crapping down his leg for my fantasy team 2 years ago.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
Jerod Mayo showed why the Pats traded up and made him the 10th pick in the draft, unleashing a YouTube Helmet Go Flying hit on Ravens' second round RB Ray Rice.
Joe "The Thin Man" Flacco, the Ravens new QB of the future and the 18th pick in this year's draft, went 0 for 3 and fumbled. He probably won't be good until the Ravens give up on him and draft another QB of the future. Look what it did for Kyle Boller.
JETS 24, BROWNS 20
If you have David Clowney on your Preseason Fantasy League Team, you my friend, are going to win this week. The Clown Prince of the Exhibition Season had 4 catches for 163 yards, and a pair of long TD receptions from Jets rookie QB Brett Ratliff, who I think has more career TD passes now than the last QB to come out of Utah, Sir Alex Smith.
Jets 4th round corner Dwight Lowery not only had an interception, but he had a 62 yard punt return for what proved to be the game winning TD. He may have a future in this line of work, which is good, because that job market sucks right now.
There was a 1 hour rain delay in this game because Brett Favre was on the Jets sideline thinking about something sad, so it started raining.
Braylon Edwards caught a TD pass from Derek Anderson. Get used to that sentence. Unless one of them gets hurt. Then all bets are off.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
The Browns didn't have a first round pick. They didn't have a second or third round pick either. That my friends, is called a win NOW mentality.
The Jets had 2 first round picks though. The guy they took with the 6th pick is DE Vernon Gholston. He had 3 tackles. No sacks though. Purdue TE Dustin Keller came with the 30th pick. He had 1 catch for 5 yards. Look out NFL!
SAINTS 24, CARDINALS 10
Saints WR Robert Meachem missed all of his rookie season with a broken leg. He's much better now though, and caught 4 passes for 129 yards, including a dazzling 60 yard TD reception that was almost all YAC (yards after catch).
Reggie Bush looks like he's in midseason form, carrying 7 times for 22 yards. Nobody averages 3 yards a carry like he does. I'm soooo glad I dropped his ass from my fantasy team and kept Housh instead. Oh, and I'm totally drafting Robert Meachem too. 1000 yard season for him this year, I guarantee it. Razzle freaking dazzle.
Matt Leinart completed 7 of 8 passes, but took an ass reaming from Tony Kornheiser that would have made me cry if he was talking about me.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
Cards corner Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie had 2 tackles. He may or may not have been the guy that fell down on Meacham's nifty run, the postage stamp sized replay on NFL.com was inconclusive.
7th overall pick Sedrick Ellis started at defensive tackle for the Saints but didn't have any tackles or nuthin. He just ran into people and made grunting noises probably. RRRAAAARRRRRGHHHH!
CHIEFS 24, BEARS 20
For those of you thinking the Bears are going to get by this year because of their defense, the Chiefs went right..down...the...field on their opening drive of the game, culminating in a TD run by LJ. The Chiefs. With Brodie Croyle at QB.
Former Chicago arena league star Bobby Sippio caught the game winning TD. The Bears' new starting running back, Matt Forte, did his best Cedric Benson and averaged a little over 3 yards a carry.
FIRST ROUND PICK WATCH
Bears left tackle Chris Williams has a herniated disc and is out for the year. That's just a real nice surprise Clark.
Chiefs' DT Glenn Dorsey sat out with a sprained knee. OT Branden Albert also sat out. The Chiefs plan to get these guys ready by not playing them.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Transfer Updates: La Liga
I'm writing this from Las Vegas because I have about 3 hours until this show where topless vampires dance around. Dude, I didn't pick the show.
Dog's fine, but if you own a dog, don't be lazy. Get animal insurance. The $20/month per pet will be worth it.
Real Madrid
In (signed): De la Red (Getafe); Javi García (Osasuna); Van der Vaart (Hamburgo)
Out (signed): Cassano (Sampdoria); Balboa (Benfica); Granero (Getafe); Pablo García, Soldado (Getafe)
Their main target, for no good reason at all except selling jerseys, was Cristiano Ronaldo. Man U has pretty much said F U the whole time and left Real Madrid doing nothing during the summer transfer window. 100mil was not enough to get Man U to say yes, so let them keep him. He won't be worth half that next year. Van der Vaart and De la Red cover the mid well enough. All the people they're losing were surplus or unimpressive last year.
Overall In and Out Transfer Grade: B (would be A, but going for C. Ronaldo all summer killed it)
Barcelona
In (signed): Piqué (Manchester United); Seydou Keita y Dani Alves (Sevilla); Martín Cáceres (Villarreal); Pinto (Celta de Vigo); Hleb (Arsenal)
Out (signed): Edmilson (Villarreal); Thuram, Ezquerro (Osasuna); Frank Rijkaard, Zambrotta y Ronaldinho (AC Milan); Giovani Dos Santos (Tottenham); Dimas (Numancia); Deco (Chelsea); Henrique (Bayer Leverkusen); Oleguer (Ajax de Amsterdam)
Barcelona's starting over. What's overshadowing everything in Barcelona's transfer movement is their insistence to not let their best player, Messi, play in the Olympics. The reason is that Barca's first Champions League game conflicts with the Olympic schedule. The highest sporting authority concluded that the club team had a right to hold their players from playing in the Olympics. Messi is already there and plans to stay there. Not like Barca would suspend him. If I was Messi, I would ask for a transfer right now. As for signings, Alves is solid and everything else coming in is in line with going away from the Galactico experiment that Real Madrid proved didn't work. I think losing Giovani is a big loss, especially when he is as good as Ronaldinho.
Overall In and Out Transfer Grade: C- (Free Messi, oh wait, he left, fuck you)
Villarreal
In (signed): Edmilson (Barcelona); Joseba Llorente (Valladolid); Jozy Altidore (New York Red Bull); Eguren (Hammarby); Ibagaza (Mallorca)
Out (signed): Martín Cáceres (Barcelona); Robert Flores (River Plate de Uruguay); Mavuba (Lille); Tomasson (Feyenoord); Leandro Somoza (Vélez Sarsfield); Josemi (Real Mallorca); Jonathan Pereira (Racing de Santander); Damián Escudero (Valladolid); Marco Rubén y César Arzo (Recreativo de Huelva); Felipe Manoel (Huesca); Marquitos (Real Sociedad)
While the EPL has four awesome teams and a bunch of sucky ones, La Liga has two awesome teams and a bunch of pretty good ones. This is one of the pretty good ones. A bunch of solid signings that have them poised to win La Liga. Jozy Altidore is the real deal. People don't think he'll get playing time, but when they sub him in for garbage time, he's going to take a dump.
Overall In and Out Transfer Grade: A-
Sevilla
In (signed): Lautaro Acosta (Lanús); Fernando Navarro (Mallorca); Konko (Génova); Romaric (Le Mans); Javi Varas (Sevilla B); Cobeño (Almería); Squillaci (Olympique de Lyon); Duscher (Racing de Santander)
Out (signed): Seydou Keita y Dani Alves (Barcelona); Boulahrouz (Chelsea); Poulsen (Juventus); Martí (Mallorca); Casado (Recreativo de Huelva)
Facing death of a teammate, this formerly awesome team imploded last season. The poaching started and they've lost major players that they had on the (relatively) cheap, the biggest losses being Dani Alves and Poulsen. The guys Sevilla picked up follow their well scouted youth formula, but, unlike most teams, they did not shop in the Real Madrid "minor league" teams (i.e. good players growing through a team system that hogs the talent but doesn't use it because they aren't jersey sellers). Point? I have no idea what to expect from this team.
Overall In and Out Transfer Grade: D+
One thing about the Olympics. USA bikers apparently were wearing masks when they landed in China because their air sucks, then were forced to say sorry by their USA bosses. USA is about fuck you. Not forced statements. Forced statements are what we fight against.
Ta ta for now. Emphasis on "ta ta."
Dog's fine, but if you own a dog, don't be lazy. Get animal insurance. The $20/month per pet will be worth it.
Real Madrid
In (signed): De la Red (Getafe); Javi García (Osasuna); Van der Vaart (Hamburgo)
Out (signed): Cassano (Sampdoria); Balboa (Benfica); Granero (Getafe); Pablo García, Soldado (Getafe)
Their main target, for no good reason at all except selling jerseys, was Cristiano Ronaldo. Man U has pretty much said F U the whole time and left Real Madrid doing nothing during the summer transfer window. 100mil was not enough to get Man U to say yes, so let them keep him. He won't be worth half that next year. Van der Vaart and De la Red cover the mid well enough. All the people they're losing were surplus or unimpressive last year.
Overall In and Out Transfer Grade: B (would be A, but going for C. Ronaldo all summer killed it)
Barcelona
In (signed): Piqué (Manchester United); Seydou Keita y Dani Alves (Sevilla); Martín Cáceres (Villarreal); Pinto (Celta de Vigo); Hleb (Arsenal)
Out (signed): Edmilson (Villarreal); Thuram, Ezquerro (Osasuna); Frank Rijkaard, Zambrotta y Ronaldinho (AC Milan); Giovani Dos Santos (Tottenham); Dimas (Numancia); Deco (Chelsea); Henrique (Bayer Leverkusen); Oleguer (Ajax de Amsterdam)
Barcelona's starting over. What's overshadowing everything in Barcelona's transfer movement is their insistence to not let their best player, Messi, play in the Olympics. The reason is that Barca's first Champions League game conflicts with the Olympic schedule. The highest sporting authority concluded that the club team had a right to hold their players from playing in the Olympics. Messi is already there and plans to stay there. Not like Barca would suspend him. If I was Messi, I would ask for a transfer right now. As for signings, Alves is solid and everything else coming in is in line with going away from the Galactico experiment that Real Madrid proved didn't work. I think losing Giovani is a big loss, especially when he is as good as Ronaldinho.
Overall In and Out Transfer Grade: C- (Free Messi, oh wait, he left, fuck you)
Villarreal
In (signed): Edmilson (Barcelona); Joseba Llorente (Valladolid); Jozy Altidore (New York Red Bull); Eguren (Hammarby); Ibagaza (Mallorca)
Out (signed): Martín Cáceres (Barcelona); Robert Flores (River Plate de Uruguay); Mavuba (Lille); Tomasson (Feyenoord); Leandro Somoza (Vélez Sarsfield); Josemi (Real Mallorca); Jonathan Pereira (Racing de Santander); Damián Escudero (Valladolid); Marco Rubén y César Arzo (Recreativo de Huelva); Felipe Manoel (Huesca); Marquitos (Real Sociedad)
While the EPL has four awesome teams and a bunch of sucky ones, La Liga has two awesome teams and a bunch of pretty good ones. This is one of the pretty good ones. A bunch of solid signings that have them poised to win La Liga. Jozy Altidore is the real deal. People don't think he'll get playing time, but when they sub him in for garbage time, he's going to take a dump.
Overall In and Out Transfer Grade: A-
Sevilla
In (signed): Lautaro Acosta (Lanús); Fernando Navarro (Mallorca); Konko (Génova); Romaric (Le Mans); Javi Varas (Sevilla B); Cobeño (Almería); Squillaci (Olympique de Lyon); Duscher (Racing de Santander)
Out (signed): Seydou Keita y Dani Alves (Barcelona); Boulahrouz (Chelsea); Poulsen (Juventus); Martí (Mallorca); Casado (Recreativo de Huelva)
Facing death of a teammate, this formerly awesome team imploded last season. The poaching started and they've lost major players that they had on the (relatively) cheap, the biggest losses being Dani Alves and Poulsen. The guys Sevilla picked up follow their well scouted youth formula, but, unlike most teams, they did not shop in the Real Madrid "minor league" teams (i.e. good players growing through a team system that hogs the talent but doesn't use it because they aren't jersey sellers). Point? I have no idea what to expect from this team.
Overall In and Out Transfer Grade: D+
One thing about the Olympics. USA bikers apparently were wearing masks when they landed in China because their air sucks, then were forced to say sorry by their USA bosses. USA is about fuck you. Not forced statements. Forced statements are what we fight against.
Ta ta for now. Emphasis on "ta ta."
Nicky Goes Thru 2 A Days- Seahawks/Cardinals
First, let's get the latest Brett Favre mass hysteria out of the way. The latest word is he is going to be traded to Tampa Bay. Now it seems all the Bucs need to do is bring Warren Sapp back, and then there will be nothing to rein in the amount of childlike joy and manlove there will be on that team. Let's all keep our fingers crossed.
**LATE UPDATE
Well f that noise about him going to the Bucs. Favre was traded to the Jets last night. For Joe Namath. This is an awesome trade for the Jets seeing that their best receiver is Leviticus Coles and he has a magic telepathic connection with the man Favre is replacing, Chad Pennington. I think this deal elevates the Jest from a 4 win team to a 4 win team.
Moving right along, today we've got the two teams that finished at the top of the worst division in the NFL last year.
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
LOOKING BACK
People have been predicting the demise of the Seahawks for a while now, but they play in a division where no other team seems to ever be able to get their act together, so that demise has not yet happened.
The trick to beating the Seahawks last year was to not play them in Seattle. At Qwest Field, the Hawks were 8-1, including a 35-14 beatdown of the Redskins in the NFC Wildcard round. Away from home, they were 3-6, and that includes a 42-20 evisceration at Lambeau Field in the Divisional Playoffs.
The Seahawks were able to have a somewhat successful season despite not having any sort of running game. Shaun Alexander was atrocious in his last season in Seattle, and took carries away from Maurice Morris and Leonard Weaver, who both averaged almost a full yard a carry more than the 05 MVP. They were able to compensate with a high powered passing game that spread the ball around to a bunch of different receivers, led by Bobby Engram, who had the best season of his 12 year NFL career with 1147 yards.
The offseason addition of DE Patrick Kerney proved to be probably the best offseason move any team made last year that didn't involve Randy Moss. Kerney transformed the defense, turning it from an average unit into one of the league's best. He had 14 1/2 sacks, and opened up pass rushing opportunities for LB Julian Peterson, who had 9 1/2 sacks. On the other end, Daryl Tapp had 7 sacks. The Seattle defense had 4 Pro Bowlers, and they are all back this year.
LOOKING AHEAD
Credit Mike Holmgren with re-making this team on the fly. They've gone from being a running team on offense to one that spreads the field and throws it as well as any other in the league. They've also gone from being a passive defense to one that will create pressure all day long.
Alexander is mercifully gone, and in his place is former Cowboys back Julius Jones. Jones is a much better fit for the Holmgren offense, as he is a skilled receiver out of the backfield and adds a dimension to the offense that Alexander never did. The Hawks also added former Packer and Panther Mike Wahle to play the left guard position that they haven't been able to fill since the Steve Hutchinson boo-boo.
HERE'S YOUR FORECAST
In this division, the only thing that's going to stop the Seahawks from a magical ride to the playoffs on a licorice whip are an outbreak of injuries. Short of that, they're going to better than they were last year and they're as good a bet as anyone in the NFC to get to the Super Bowl. I give the Seahawks my Good Football Team Stamp of Approval.
ARIZONA CARDINALS
LOOKING BACK
Ken Whisenhunt's first season as head coach brought the Cardinals their first .500 record since Jake Plummer actually took them to a playoff win in 1998 with Vince Tobin as their head coach. I believe they might have still been the Chicago Cardinals at this time, and Paddy Driscoll was their leading rusher.
The way they got to .500 wasn't exactly how they drew it up though. Matt Leinart regressed and had a horrible sophomore year, possibly hampered by being cross-eyed. Possibly cross-eyed from pulling too many beer bongs in hot tubs. Kurt Warner took his spot and posted a passer rating of 89.8 versus Leinart's 61.9. The Cards needed it too, because once again they had a non-existent running game, ranking 30th in the league in Y/A.
Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin continued to be one of the best receiving duos in the league, and the strength of this team. Fitzgerald became one of probably the 10 best players in the league last year, with 100 catches for 1409 yards, while Boldin was solid with 71 catches for 853 yards.
The defense was pretty good against both the run (10th in Y/A), and the pass (15th in Y/A). Safety Adrian Wilson was a big reason why the Cards were so good against the run, while Darnell Dockett led the team with 9 sacks. Things started to fall apart late in the year though, as the Cards gave up an average of over 28 points a game over their last 8 games to fall out of playoff contention.
LOOKING AHEAD
In the last 5 years, one thing you can always count on in August is people saying the Cardinals are a sleeper team, and Ashley Lelie is going to have a breakout year. I think people have finally given up on Lelie, and I'm not hearing quite as much Cardinal love as I have in recent years.
The Cards are really rolling out the same team we've been seeing for the last few years now. We've probably seen the best we're going to see of the Fitzgerald/Boldin/Edgerrin James core on offense. Boldin is unhappy in Phoenix and wants out, and Edge is probably headed for the glue factory sometime in the very near future. Add to that the fact the Cardinals are going to have to somehow finesse their way around Matt Leinart being a huge disappointment so far, and I don't think there's reason to expect anything more out of the Cardinals offense than for it to be the same slightly above average, one dimensional unit we've been seeing for a while now.
That means that any improvement that is going to vault this team into the playoffs is going to have to come from the defense. I'm not really seeing that either. They lost LB Calvin Pace and the 6 1/2 sacks and pretty good run defense he brought last year. Their best defensive player, Adrian Wilson, is recovering from heel surgery, they have a hard time getting an outside pass rush (Dockett is a tackle), and the rest of the secondary is shaky.
HERE'S YOUR FORECAST
I believe that Whisenhunt is a good coach and knows what he's doing. Unfortunately I also think that they are spending too much time trying to win with the team that Dennis Green assembled before them and it's just not going to happen. No playoffs for the Cards this year.
**LATE UPDATE
Well f that noise about him going to the Bucs. Favre was traded to the Jets last night. For Joe Namath. This is an awesome trade for the Jets seeing that their best receiver is Leviticus Coles and he has a magic telepathic connection with the man Favre is replacing, Chad Pennington. I think this deal elevates the Jest from a 4 win team to a 4 win team.
Moving right along, today we've got the two teams that finished at the top of the worst division in the NFL last year.
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
LOOKING BACK
People have been predicting the demise of the Seahawks for a while now, but they play in a division where no other team seems to ever be able to get their act together, so that demise has not yet happened.
The trick to beating the Seahawks last year was to not play them in Seattle. At Qwest Field, the Hawks were 8-1, including a 35-14 beatdown of the Redskins in the NFC Wildcard round. Away from home, they were 3-6, and that includes a 42-20 evisceration at Lambeau Field in the Divisional Playoffs.
The Seahawks were able to have a somewhat successful season despite not having any sort of running game. Shaun Alexander was atrocious in his last season in Seattle, and took carries away from Maurice Morris and Leonard Weaver, who both averaged almost a full yard a carry more than the 05 MVP. They were able to compensate with a high powered passing game that spread the ball around to a bunch of different receivers, led by Bobby Engram, who had the best season of his 12 year NFL career with 1147 yards.
The offseason addition of DE Patrick Kerney proved to be probably the best offseason move any team made last year that didn't involve Randy Moss. Kerney transformed the defense, turning it from an average unit into one of the league's best. He had 14 1/2 sacks, and opened up pass rushing opportunities for LB Julian Peterson, who had 9 1/2 sacks. On the other end, Daryl Tapp had 7 sacks. The Seattle defense had 4 Pro Bowlers, and they are all back this year.
LOOKING AHEAD
Credit Mike Holmgren with re-making this team on the fly. They've gone from being a running team on offense to one that spreads the field and throws it as well as any other in the league. They've also gone from being a passive defense to one that will create pressure all day long.
Alexander is mercifully gone, and in his place is former Cowboys back Julius Jones. Jones is a much better fit for the Holmgren offense, as he is a skilled receiver out of the backfield and adds a dimension to the offense that Alexander never did. The Hawks also added former Packer and Panther Mike Wahle to play the left guard position that they haven't been able to fill since the Steve Hutchinson boo-boo.
HERE'S YOUR FORECAST
In this division, the only thing that's going to stop the Seahawks from a magical ride to the playoffs on a licorice whip are an outbreak of injuries. Short of that, they're going to better than they were last year and they're as good a bet as anyone in the NFC to get to the Super Bowl. I give the Seahawks my Good Football Team Stamp of Approval.
ARIZONA CARDINALS
LOOKING BACK
Ken Whisenhunt's first season as head coach brought the Cardinals their first .500 record since Jake Plummer actually took them to a playoff win in 1998 with Vince Tobin as their head coach. I believe they might have still been the Chicago Cardinals at this time, and Paddy Driscoll was their leading rusher.
The way they got to .500 wasn't exactly how they drew it up though. Matt Leinart regressed and had a horrible sophomore year, possibly hampered by being cross-eyed. Possibly cross-eyed from pulling too many beer bongs in hot tubs. Kurt Warner took his spot and posted a passer rating of 89.8 versus Leinart's 61.9. The Cards needed it too, because once again they had a non-existent running game, ranking 30th in the league in Y/A.
Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin continued to be one of the best receiving duos in the league, and the strength of this team. Fitzgerald became one of probably the 10 best players in the league last year, with 100 catches for 1409 yards, while Boldin was solid with 71 catches for 853 yards.
The defense was pretty good against both the run (10th in Y/A), and the pass (15th in Y/A). Safety Adrian Wilson was a big reason why the Cards were so good against the run, while Darnell Dockett led the team with 9 sacks. Things started to fall apart late in the year though, as the Cards gave up an average of over 28 points a game over their last 8 games to fall out of playoff contention.
LOOKING AHEAD
In the last 5 years, one thing you can always count on in August is people saying the Cardinals are a sleeper team, and Ashley Lelie is going to have a breakout year. I think people have finally given up on Lelie, and I'm not hearing quite as much Cardinal love as I have in recent years.
The Cards are really rolling out the same team we've been seeing for the last few years now. We've probably seen the best we're going to see of the Fitzgerald/Boldin/Edgerrin James core on offense. Boldin is unhappy in Phoenix and wants out, and Edge is probably headed for the glue factory sometime in the very near future. Add to that the fact the Cardinals are going to have to somehow finesse their way around Matt Leinart being a huge disappointment so far, and I don't think there's reason to expect anything more out of the Cardinals offense than for it to be the same slightly above average, one dimensional unit we've been seeing for a while now.
That means that any improvement that is going to vault this team into the playoffs is going to have to come from the defense. I'm not really seeing that either. They lost LB Calvin Pace and the 6 1/2 sacks and pretty good run defense he brought last year. Their best defensive player, Adrian Wilson, is recovering from heel surgery, they have a hard time getting an outside pass rush (Dockett is a tackle), and the rest of the secondary is shaky.
HERE'S YOUR FORECAST
I believe that Whisenhunt is a good coach and knows what he's doing. Unfortunately I also think that they are spending too much time trying to win with the team that Dennis Green assembled before them and it's just not going to happen. No playoffs for the Cards this year.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Transfer Updates: EPL
I write this pretty pissed off. I was walking my lab/golden retriever mix when she escaped her collar and, being a former stray, ran off into the street. She got hit by a car. But she got up because she was buff and was okay. Then the car said FUCK IT and ran over my dog again but my dog was so fat/buff, she got stuck under the car until he revved over her face and ran away. I got a shot of adrenaline and lifted her 83 lb ass from the street to the sidewalk. Police couldn't find him. $4k bills later she only had a gash in her right hind leg and a dislocated front right leg. Most invincible dog ever. If I ever find that motherfucker in the black Pontiac
Here's some opinions on the current EPL transfers to get my mind off my dog in the hospital right now. Be warned: I'm annoyed.
Arsenal
Here's some opinions on the current EPL transfers to get my mind off my dog in the hospital right now. Be warned: I'm annoyed.
Arsenal
Ins: Aaron Ramsey (
Outs: Gilberto Silva (Panathinaikos, £1m), Alexander Hleb (
Samir Nasri is pretty legit and was a Real Madrid target at one time. Arsenal really hasn't done much since being a "victim" of poaching. Arsenal depends on youth so they can go on the cheap. Real Madrid really want Cesc Fabregas after their bids for Cristiano Ronaldo are dying out which should worry Arsenal fans even if Fabregas said he's not leaving this year.
Current Overall Grade of Ins and Outs: C+
Ins: Jose Bosingwa (FC Porto, £16.2m), Deco (
Outs: Steve Sidwell (Aston Villa, £5m), Ben Sahar (
New boss Scolari wanted to make his own team moving from the power football Mourinho built into the pretty football Scolari likes. Deco was the first step and turned out to be pretty solid. Bosingwa is pretty whatever.
Current Overall Grade of Ins and Outs: B-
Liverpool
Ins: David Ngog (Paris St Germain, undisclosed), Emmanuel Mendy (Murcia Deportivo, free), Diego Cavalieri (Palmeiras, undisclosed), Andrea Dossena (Udinese, undisclosed), Philipp Degen (Borussia Dortmund, free), Robbie Keane (Tottenham, £20.3m).
Outs: Jack Hobbs (Leicester, loan), Godwin Antwi (Tranmere, loan), Adam Hammill (Blackpool, loan), Scott Carson (West Brom, £3.25m), Peter Crouch (Portsmouth, £11m), Harry Kewell (Galatasaray, free), Paul Anderson (Nottingham Forest, loan), Anthony le Tallec (Le Mans, undisclosed), John Arne Riise (Roma, £4m), Besian Idrizaj (Wacker Tirol, free), Danny Guthrie (Newcastle, undisclosed), Robbie Threlfall (Hereford, loan).
Oli Porter tells me these guys are pretty good, so I'll take his word for it. To be honest, I only know Robbie Keane's skill, and he's pretty good. They should pick up Barry from Villa pretty soon too.
Current Overall Grade of Ins and Outs: B
Ins: None.
Outs: Adam Eckersley (AC
Fuck Fergie. He cries about Real Madrid's ethics of trying to get Cristiano Ronaldo, and then does the same shit in trying to pry Berbatov from Tottenham. Then Fergie says he feels "sad" for Tottenham's paranoia. The same paranoia Fergie has. They retained Tevez for 36mil, and not much else. They're stacked. I honestly think they get better if they release C. Ronaldo. Ronaldo is going to bust next year. I called it. So is Man U. Fuck them. Fuck them up the ass.
Current Overall Grade of Ins and Outs: Fuck Man U
To end on a lighter note, I'm a big Serenity fan and Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog is a pretty awesome movie. Go to Hulu.com (Mark Cuban endorsed fuck you to youtube where you watch free episodes) and search for it there. It stars Neil Patrick Harris as Dr. Horrible who is trying to become a super villain but Captain Hammer (Nathan Fillion) is fucking him up and fucking the girl he wants. It's an origin story. He made this movie on the cheap. How do you keep costs down? Hire your friends and instead of special effects you have a musical. Oh wait, here it is:
Last, thanks to Nicky P for having this site. It focuses me. The videos wouldn't be made without this site to inspire me. I'm going to Vegas tomorrow. Be back Friday to pick up my dog.
Nicky Goes Thru 2 a Days- Panthers/Falcons
Today we plumb the depths of the NFC South, but first, in case you missed it, there was a real live NFL Preseason Game last night!
REDSKINS 30, COLTS 16
The only Colt kicking up his hooves in this game was Redskins backup QB Colt Brennan. Wow, what a lead-in that was. The rookie from the University of Hawaii, who put up Arena Football type numbers in college but is generally regarded as a system QB who is too small to play in the NFL, looked real good last night. Brennan completed 9 of 10 for 123 yards and 2 TDs. He's the early front runner for the Preseason Heisman Trophy. Hot on his tail is former Wolverine RB Mike Hart, who averaged 13.3 yards on 4 carries for Indy.
Now, for our Panthers and Falcons previews.
CAROLINA PANTHERS
LOOKING BACK
All you really need to know about the Cats is they played a good portion of last season with either the justified and ancient Vinny Testaverde or the shockingly incompetent David Carr under center. That right there is a death sentence for any team. Despite this, they battled to a 4-2 start, but then lost 7 out of 10 after bye week to finish under .500 and launch speculation that head coach John Fox's job was jeopardy.
While the offense gets a pass for its struggles last year, the defense struggled to generate a pass rush. You would think that would be impossible with Julius Peppers on the team, but Peppers was not himself last season, and had only 2 1/2 sacks. So while the Panthers did very well against the run (4th in Y/A), they were mediocre against the pass, and overall were not good enough defensively to compensate for the neutered offense.
LOOKING AHEAD
Unfortunately, the biggest news coming out of Panthers camp was that WR Steve Smith was suspended by the team for 2 regular season teams for punching out teammate Ken Lucas in practice. Now granted I haven't been around an NFL training camp in about 15 years, but in my younger days I did spend a lot of time in camp, and back in those days I think you got fined if you DIDN'T punch out one of your teammates during camp. So, the game has obviously changed.
Despite that unpleasantness, if you are looking for the surprise team of 2008, I think the Panthers may be it. The offense should be much better this year. Jake Delhomme, who was great before getting hurt last year, is back and will have an improved receiving corps that will have Smith, talented former Seahawk DJ Hackett, and returning Panther alumnus Muhsin Muhammad.
The Cats also should have a potent 1-2 punch at running back, with speed back D'Angelo Williams being complemented by power back Jonathan Stewart, who was the 13th overall pick in the draft after running for 1722 yards at Oregon last year.
With all the new additions on offense, there should be a little less of a burden on the defense this year. The defense has the talent to prove last year an aberration, and if the sleeping giant that is Julius Peppers awakens, they can be one of the better units in the NFC.
HERE'S YOUR FORECAST
Like I said, this could be the surprise team of the league in 2008. They play in a division that they could win, and they've got the fire power to do it. Keep an eye on this team.
ATLANTA FALCONS
LOOKING BACK
This franchise had one of the worst seasons in the history of pro sports last year. They headed into the season with the franchise player and face of the franchise Michael Vick going to jail for a long, long time. Things only got worse from there, as first year head coach and world class douchebag Bobby Petrino bolted midway thru the season to take the head coaching job at Arkansas after alienating his entire roster by treating them like 14 year olds. The Falcons somehow still won 4 games, which given the circumstances was not too bad.
LOOKING AHEAD
The Falcons are starting from ground zero. They were horrible in every area last year, and at this point have to be looked at as a virtual expansion team.
The new Falcons are going to be built around offense. The team drafted what they hope and pray will be their QB for the next ten years, BC's Matt Ryan, with the third pick in the draft. Knowing how QB's drafted at the top of the draft have struggled recently though, that's probably a coin flip as to whether he will be any good in the NFL or not. He'll have a pair of decent running backs to help him out in newly acquired Michael Turner, and holdover Jerrious Norwood, and a nice weapon in wideout Roddy White, who manged a 1200 yard breakout season amidst last year's carnage. OT Sam Baker was drafted with the 21st pick out of USC to be the cornerstone of the O-line for the next decade.
While the offense could make some strides, the defense lost its best player, corner D'Angelo Hall, to free agency. That leaves a unit which is a patchwork of veterans like Keith Brooking, John Abraham, and Lawyer Milloy, and neophytes like corners Chris Houston and Chevis Jackson and rookie linebacker Curtis Lofton. New coach Mike Davis was the defensive coordinator in Jacksonville, so I guess he's as good a candidate as any to make chicken salad out of this unit that is obviously in transition.
HERE'S YOUR FORECAST
I really like the offseason the Falcons had. They had a nice draft and picked up one of the top free agent prizes in Michael Turner. They are doing things the right way, clearing the decks and rebuilding. I think they'll contend in 2010.
REDSKINS 30, COLTS 16
The only Colt kicking up his hooves in this game was Redskins backup QB Colt Brennan. Wow, what a lead-in that was. The rookie from the University of Hawaii, who put up Arena Football type numbers in college but is generally regarded as a system QB who is too small to play in the NFL, looked real good last night. Brennan completed 9 of 10 for 123 yards and 2 TDs. He's the early front runner for the Preseason Heisman Trophy. Hot on his tail is former Wolverine RB Mike Hart, who averaged 13.3 yards on 4 carries for Indy.
Now, for our Panthers and Falcons previews.
CAROLINA PANTHERS
LOOKING BACK
All you really need to know about the Cats is they played a good portion of last season with either the justified and ancient Vinny Testaverde or the shockingly incompetent David Carr under center. That right there is a death sentence for any team. Despite this, they battled to a 4-2 start, but then lost 7 out of 10 after bye week to finish under .500 and launch speculation that head coach John Fox's job was jeopardy.
While the offense gets a pass for its struggles last year, the defense struggled to generate a pass rush. You would think that would be impossible with Julius Peppers on the team, but Peppers was not himself last season, and had only 2 1/2 sacks. So while the Panthers did very well against the run (4th in Y/A), they were mediocre against the pass, and overall were not good enough defensively to compensate for the neutered offense.
LOOKING AHEAD
Unfortunately, the biggest news coming out of Panthers camp was that WR Steve Smith was suspended by the team for 2 regular season teams for punching out teammate Ken Lucas in practice. Now granted I haven't been around an NFL training camp in about 15 years, but in my younger days I did spend a lot of time in camp, and back in those days I think you got fined if you DIDN'T punch out one of your teammates during camp. So, the game has obviously changed.
Despite that unpleasantness, if you are looking for the surprise team of 2008, I think the Panthers may be it. The offense should be much better this year. Jake Delhomme, who was great before getting hurt last year, is back and will have an improved receiving corps that will have Smith, talented former Seahawk DJ Hackett, and returning Panther alumnus Muhsin Muhammad.
The Cats also should have a potent 1-2 punch at running back, with speed back D'Angelo Williams being complemented by power back Jonathan Stewart, who was the 13th overall pick in the draft after running for 1722 yards at Oregon last year.
With all the new additions on offense, there should be a little less of a burden on the defense this year. The defense has the talent to prove last year an aberration, and if the sleeping giant that is Julius Peppers awakens, they can be one of the better units in the NFC.
HERE'S YOUR FORECAST
Like I said, this could be the surprise team of the league in 2008. They play in a division that they could win, and they've got the fire power to do it. Keep an eye on this team.
ATLANTA FALCONS
LOOKING BACK
This franchise had one of the worst seasons in the history of pro sports last year. They headed into the season with the franchise player and face of the franchise Michael Vick going to jail for a long, long time. Things only got worse from there, as first year head coach and world class douchebag Bobby Petrino bolted midway thru the season to take the head coaching job at Arkansas after alienating his entire roster by treating them like 14 year olds. The Falcons somehow still won 4 games, which given the circumstances was not too bad.
LOOKING AHEAD
The Falcons are starting from ground zero. They were horrible in every area last year, and at this point have to be looked at as a virtual expansion team.
The new Falcons are going to be built around offense. The team drafted what they hope and pray will be their QB for the next ten years, BC's Matt Ryan, with the third pick in the draft. Knowing how QB's drafted at the top of the draft have struggled recently though, that's probably a coin flip as to whether he will be any good in the NFL or not. He'll have a pair of decent running backs to help him out in newly acquired Michael Turner, and holdover Jerrious Norwood, and a nice weapon in wideout Roddy White, who manged a 1200 yard breakout season amidst last year's carnage. OT Sam Baker was drafted with the 21st pick out of USC to be the cornerstone of the O-line for the next decade.
While the offense could make some strides, the defense lost its best player, corner D'Angelo Hall, to free agency. That leaves a unit which is a patchwork of veterans like Keith Brooking, John Abraham, and Lawyer Milloy, and neophytes like corners Chris Houston and Chevis Jackson and rookie linebacker Curtis Lofton. New coach Mike Davis was the defensive coordinator in Jacksonville, so I guess he's as good a candidate as any to make chicken salad out of this unit that is obviously in transition.
HERE'S YOUR FORECAST
I really like the offseason the Falcons had. They had a nice draft and picked up one of the top free agent prizes in Michael Turner. They are doing things the right way, clearing the decks and rebuilding. I think they'll contend in 2010.
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