Sunday, September 28, 2008

Week Four NFL





Before we get to Week 4, first have to touch on another big upset in College Football last night. With USC going down on Thursday, Georgia was next in line to the throne. If and only if they could win at home against Alabama. That didn't happen. Bama raced out to a 31-0 lead then held on for a 41-30 victory.

Florida could have benefited from Georgia's loss and leapfrogged from #4 to #1, but they also dropped one at home earlier in the day. Houston Nutt, the auteur of the Wild Hog formation that the Dolphins used to destroy the Patriots air of invincibility last week, continued his run by knocking off the Gators 31-30. The Rebels won despite completing only 9 passes, and having a leading rusher who rushed for only 60 yards. Florida lost 3 fumbles though, and they all hurt.

With those 2 SEC powers losing, Oklahoma will be the #1 team in the land this week. They beat #24 TCU 34-10, and will probably thump Baylor this coming weekend as well before a showdown with Texas on Oct. 11.

So now that we've cleared up our Boola Boola business, on to the pros.

WEEK 4

(0-3) BROWNS AT (0-3) BENGALS
As if this game didn't suck enough, Carson Palmer shows up on the injury report as a gameday scratch. His arm hurts. My eyes will hurt watching this. Former Ram and Harvard QB Ryan Fitzpatrick starts in his place.

MY PICK- BROWNS 20, BENGALS 17

HALFTIME UPDATE
One of these teams is winning 6-3. I'm not sure which one. Does it matter? I just saw Braylon Edwards screaming at Derek Anderson though so I'm guessing it's the Bengals.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Holy geez Braylon Edwards finally scored a touchdown. And he did a sweet little Guitar Hero solo dance to boot. Let the healing begin. The Browns win this grotesque farce, and Derek Anderson lives to suck another day. The Bengals better hope Carson Palmer comes back, because Ryan Fitzpatrick was throwing so many ducks out there I expected the Chicken Dance song to come over the loudspeakers. Duh duh duh duh duh duh..quack quack quack. Why is it called the Chicken Dance anyway? It's clearly a song about a duck.

FINAL- BROWNS 20, BENGALS 12
Fantasy Hero-
Jamal Lewis RB CLE 14 pts




(0-2) TEXANS AT (1-2) JAGUARS

Jacksonville appeared to get their heads out of their asses last week, capitalizing on a critical defensive penalty late in the game to beat the Colts on a last second field goal. Fred Taylor and MJD finally did something, anything. Was it a mirage created by the lousy Colts run defense, or are the Jags getting it going? Houston's 22nd in yards against per rushing attempt, so they should have another big day.

MY PICK- JAGUARS 30, TEXANS 17

HALFTIME UPDATE
Matt Schaub looks almost competent, but David Garrard has been better, completing 13 of 16, including a TD pass to Matt Jones that has just put the Jags ahead 17-10. Rookie RB Steve Slaton has a TD reception for Houston. The Jags scored on a fake punt direct snap early in the game.

FULLTIME UPDATE
The Jaguars make this one a lot harder than it needed to be because they refuse to run the ball despite having 2 fantabulous running backs. They ran only 17 running plays vs. 39 passing plays. Somebody find out for me who Jacksonville's offensive coordinator is, because he's an idiot. Jacksonville wins but they played absolutely awful. The defense was especially bad, getting no pass rush and making Matt Schaub look like Sage Rosenfels.

FINAL- JAGUARS 30, TEXANS 27 OT
Fantasy Heroes-
Matt Schaub QB HOU 34 pts, Steve Slaton RB HOU 17 pts, Kevin Walter WR HOU 19 pts, Dave Garrard QB JAX 24 pts



(2-1) FALCONS AT (2-1) PANTHERS
For the second week in a row, the Panthers face a team that can ram it right down your throat. The Falcons have been reborn as the best running team in the league, and the Panthers lost to a very similar Vikings team last week. Atlanta is going to give Carolina all it can handle, but I don't think they are ready to get a huge road win yet.

MY PICK- PANTHERS 20, FALCONS 17

HALFTIME UPDATE
Delhomme is shredding the Falcons' defense, but the Falcons offense is working the Turner/Norwood/Roddy White gameplan the way they should and it's keeping them in the game. They trail 14-9. TDs for Jonathan Stewart and Steve Smith.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Muhsin Muhammad takes advantage of a matchup withundrafted rookie corner Brent Grimes and goes off for 147 yards and a TD. Great job, Grimey. Steve Smith also has a nice game, and the Panthers enjoy a perfunctory thumping of the Falcons to move into sole possession of first place in the NFC South. Both of their starting offensive tackles left the game with injuries though, so let's hold off on the parade for now.

FINAL- PANTHERS 24, FALCONS 9
Fantasy Heroes- Jake Delhomme QB CAR 23 pts; Muhsin Muhammad WR CAR 22 pts; Steve Smith WR CAR, 15 pts




(3-0) BRONCOS AT (0-3) CHIEFS
NFL Network kept replaying a Broncos/Chiefs game from that year that Joe Montana played for the Chiefs. You forget sometimes what a friggin stud he was. I think he's probably still better than Damon Huard right now. High blood pressure and all.

MY PICK- BRONCOS 37, CHIEFS 17

HALFTIME UPDATE
Upset Alert! Warning! Warning! The Broncos defense is at Larry Johnson's mercy, the offense is turning it over, and the Chiefs lead it 14-10. Matt Prater drilled a 56 yard FG just before half to pull Denver within 4.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Larry Johnson makes the Broncos defense look like they all have Type 1 Diabetes. The bloom comes off the Broncos' rose big time as LJ racks up 198 yards and 2 TDs, exposing a terrible defense and giving the Chiefs their first win a long, long time.


FINAL- CHIEFS 33, BRONCOS 19
Fantasy Heroes-
Larry Johnson RB KC 33 pts; Matt Prater K DEN 16 pts



(2-1) 49ers AT (1-2) SAINTS
The Niners have an opportunity to show they are for real. The offense has been good, but it's the defense that will have to win this for them. The Saints are a one-dimensional team. All they can do is throw the ball, and they do it really well. SF can beat you with Frank Gore, and they can beat you with their passing offense. Their defense also ranks 9th in the league in fewest yards/pass attempt. I think the Niners get the upset.

MY PICK- 49ers 27, SAINTS 24

HALFTIME UPDATE
SF's defensive improvement was apparently a mirage brought on by playing crappy teams. Drew Brees has disemboweled them for 3 TD passes, 2 to Lance Moore, and the Saints lead 21-6.

FULLTIME UPDATE
You knew this was coming, and the Niners looked for the first time this year like the San Francisco Lions. JT O'Sullivan got dumped 6 times and Frank Gore got only 16 carries in an absolutely Martz-velous performance. SF's defense got exposed by Drew Brees, who made friends with backup WR Lance Moore and found him 7 times for 101 yards and 2 TD.

FINAL- SAINTS 31, NINERS 17
Fantasy Heroes- Drew Brees QB Saints 33 pts; Lance Moore WR Saints 24 pts; Robert Meachem WR Saints 15 pts; Saints DST 14 pts; Deuce McAllister RB Saints 13 pts; Arnaz Battle WR Niners 14 pts



(2-1) CARDINALS AT (1-2) JETS
The Cards spent the week on the east coast after playing in DC last week. The Jets "played", if you want to call it that, in San Diego on Monday Night. Their season so far has been a great chance for me to gloat at all the people who were beating their meat over them after they acquired Favre. We're all finding out what I said many times, the Jets still suck.

MY PICK- CARDINALS 30, JETS 20

HALFTIME UPDATE
That week in DC has done wonders for the Cards. They trail 34-0. Kurt Warner is a turnover machine today, he's been picked off twice and lost 3 fumbles. Favre has thrown 3 TDs to Lav Coles.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Ken Whisenhunt wins the Cameron Cameron Award for Coaching Idiocy by almost getting Anquan Boldin killed on a meaningless play in a game that was over. Kurt Warner throws for just under 500 yards and 3 Cardinal receivers have 100+ yard games, but Kurt Warner also turns it over an incomprehensible 7 times. Brett Favre reveals that yellow pants are the secret of his powers as he puts them back on and throws 6 TD passes. This game is in the top five of Greatest Fantasy Football Games Ever Played.

FINAL- JETS 56, CARDINALS 35
Fantasy Heroes-
Brett Favre QB NYJ 34 pts; Laveranues Coles WR NYJ 30 pts; Jerricho Cotchery WR NYJ 24 pts; NYJ DST 27 pts; Kurt Warner QB AZ 26 pts; Steve Breaston WR AZ 14 pts; Larry Fitzgerald WR AZ 14 pts; Anquan Boldin WR AZ 19 pts, Edgerrin James RB AZ 14 pts



(2-1) PACKERS AT (2-1) BUCS

Two teams with two different types of mojo right now. The Packers were depantsed at home on national TV by the Cowboys last week. The Bucs came back in the last five minutes from a double digit deficit to win in Chicago. The Bucs won despite having their running game completely shut down by the Bears thanks to Brian Griese throwing it over 60 times with reasonable success. They won't have to do that against the Pack, who ranks 32nd in yards against per rushing attempt.

MY PICK- BUCS 27, PACKERS 24

HALFTIME UPDATE
The Pack got on the board early with a Rodgers to Jennings TD, but it's been a lot of frustration since for them. Rodgers has been picked off twice and the Bucs lead 13-7.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Aaron Rodgers had a horrible day. He was battered, injured, and picked off 3 times, and the Packers lost their second game in a row. I think it is clear that since Brett Favre threw 6 TDs against a bad defense and a team that is on a 15 day road trip, and Rodgers struggled so mightily on the road against one of the best defenses in the league, that the Packers have made a horrible choice in letting go of Favre. They may as well just forfeit the rest of their games. For the next 5 years. There, I just saved you a week's worth of watching any and all discussion of the NFL on your television machine.

FINAL- BUCS 30, PACKERS 21
Fantasy Heroes-
Earnest Graham RB TB 19 pts; Greg Jennings WR GB 24 pts, TB DST 17 pts, Matt Bryant K TB 12 pts



We send our sincere love to Matt Bryant and Family.

(1-2) VIKINGS AT (3-0) TITANS
The Vikings saved their season last week by grinding out a 20-10 win at home against Carolina. Tennessee has played better this year than any team that doesn't have a big blue star on their helmets. Both teams rely heavily on their running game, but both teams also stop the run pretty well. These offenses will have to get out of their respective comfort zones, and I think Kerry Collins is better equipped to do that than Gus Frerotte.

MY PICK- TITANS 17, VIKINGS 13

HALFTIME UPDATE
The Titans are really, really good. Kerry Collins is on pace for 300 yards, LenDale White and Chris Johnson are converting in the red zone, and the Titans lead 20-10.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Always in motion the NFL is. If you'd have told me last year, when Tom Brady and Randy Moss were setting records that may never be broken for a few years at least, that in 2008 the best team in the league would be a team that had an offense led by Kerry Collins, Justin Gage, a rookie RB from East Carolina, and LenDale White, I would have laughed. Guffawed even. Nobody's laughing now. The Titans are the best team in the league.

FINAL- TITANS 30, VIKINGS 17
Fantasy Heroes-
Chris Johnson RB TEN 25 pts; Adrian Peterson RB MIN 22 pts



LATE GAMES

(2-1) REDSKINS AT (3-0) COWBOYS
The Cowboys are coming off a huge win in Green Bay last week, but this is a divisional game in the NFC East, and there aren't any breathers to be had in this division. Washington has been impressive since coming out flat in their opener against the Giants, and would luuuuv to knock the Cowboys off their pedestal. I like the way the Redskins are playing, but I think Dallas is the best team in the league, and I will pick them every week until someone beats them.

FULLTIME UPDATE
I know Jason Garrett will probably be the Cowboys head coach someday, and may remain so until I am long dead, but he had a horrible game here. You have a nightmare of a running back in Marion Barber, and the perfect complement in Felix Jones, and you call 8 running plays. Eight. VIII. Don't blame this on Tony Romo, he threw for 300 yards, and 3 TD. Don't blame this on TO. Blame it a little on the defense, which got shredded by Clinton Portis and Santana Moss, and seems to be getting exposed on a weekly basis, but blame it mostly on the stupid, stupid playcalling.

FINAL- REDSKINS 26, COWBOYS 24
Fantasy Heroes-
Tony Romo QB DAL 31 pts; Clinton Portis RB WSH 15 pts; Santana Moss WR WSH 16 pts; Jason Witten TE DAL 15 pts




(3-0) BILLS AT (0-3) RAMS
The feel good story of the year meets the feel bad story of the year. The Rams have made a curious decision to bench Marc Bulger in favor of Trent Green. Instead of doing this, I think Scott Linehan should have just stood up at the podium this week with a cup full of straws just out of his reach, and grasp at them.


FULLTIME UPDATE

The Scott Linehan Epoch has reached its merciful conclusion. With it goes the Trent Green Restoration. The keys to the Rams crapmobile are now turned over to Jim Haslett, who was last photographed speaking to a talking pie on the sidelines in Baton Rouge during the Saints' nightmare Katrina Season. Bills owner Ralph Wilson says after the game, "It's not easy being 4-0." It ain't easy being 0-4 either. I think he meant to say, "It's not easy to get to 4-0." Apparently he did not make his fortune due to his ability to articulate his thoughts.

FINAL- BILLS 31, RAMS 14
Fantasy Heroes- Stephen Jackson RB STL 26 pts; Lee Evans WR BUF 14 pts




(1-2) CHARGERS AT (1-2) RAIDERS
This week watch as Lane Kiffin attempts to avoid the boardroom by filming a commercial for an animal shelter. Will his commercial be more tear jerking than Norv Turner's? I played this game on Madden 09 last night. I'd love to tell you how it turned out, but as happens in 80% of my Madden 09 games my 360 froze before the game ended. Friggin lousy EA software.



FULLTIME UPDATE
Well, I'm sure you all know by now that Lane Kiffin has been fired. Al Davis held a press conference saying that he didn't hire the man he thought he hired, and that he has had enough of the "propaganda and lying". I kind of agree. I think all the posters I've been seeing of a giant Lane Kiffin wearing a pith helmet and marching on top of a tiny little globe are a bit much. The shortwave radio broadcasts breaking down my resistance and telling me how Lane Kiffin is going to take over the world have been getting on my nerves too. I agree, I have had enough of the propaganda.

Al also says that the coaching staff has been "fractionalized", and I give him credit for not only using a word that does not exist but a word from which I can discern no meaning whatsoever.

The bizarre, video goes on to show Al reading a letter he himself wrote to Lane Kiffin saying, "I know that you didn't want to draft JaMarcus Russell. He's a great player. Get over it." Then he rambles on about "Death to America" and such and such for about another 20 minutes.

FINAL- CHARGERS 28, RAIDERS 18
Fantasy Heroes- LaDanian Tomlinson RB SD 24 pts; Zach Miller TE OAK 15 pts




"When 900 years old you reach, look as good, you will not"

SUNDAY NIGHT

(2-1) EAGLES AT (1-2) BEARS

It's a weird fall in Chicago, as everyone is here is crazy for baseball and the Bears have been put on the back burner. Still, with the Packers loss and Vikings losing, the Bears can move into a tie for first place in the NFC North with a win here, provided their bullpen can hold a lead for once. The Eagles played Whack-a-Ben last week in a dominating win over the Steelers, but this week they will be missing Brian Westbrook, which usually spells doom for them.

FULLTIME UPDATE

An aside on this Blogger thing, I spend 80% of my time trying to get things formatted and 10% actually writing. The other 10% I spend coughing lately. Violently coughing and wheezing. The Bears win this game on a stirring goal line stand late in the 4th quarter. I'm sure Westbrook probably would have got in if he were playing, but well, he wasn't, so too bad.

Donovan McNabb spent a lot of time pointing and yelling at his receivers. Captain Wonderful's passer rating gets lower and lower every week. From 131.0 in week 1, to 99.0, to 80.2, to 77.5. I give it until Halloween until the Philly misanthropes start screaming for Kevin Kolb.

FINAL- BEARS 24, EAGLES 20

Fantasy Heroes- Kyle Orton??? QB? CHI?? 21 pts; Correll Buckhalter RB PHI 14pts; DeSean Jackson WR PHI 12 pts





MONDAY NIGHT
(2-0) RAVENS AT (2-1) STEELERS
The Ravens are rocking shit like it's 2000 again, using the same formula of a dominating defense (with a lot of the same personnel even) and barely competent offense to win games. It is almost enough to make me want to blast some Eiffel 65 on my speakers here. I say that because I distinctly remember that the first song I heard of the new millennium on the radio was "I'm Blue", and I remember thinking to myself, "Wow if this is any indication, this millennium is going to suck." And boy was I right. As for the Steelers, they are missing Willie Parker and Ben Roethlisberger got his brains beat in against the Eagles last week. A loss here puts them 1 1/2 games behind the Ravens in the AFC North, and the Steelers don't want that. No they don't.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Disaster seemed to be looming when the Steelers were down 13-3 at the half, and Rashard Mendenhall went down for the season with a cracked collarbone, but the Steelers managed to harness the awesome power of their Tecmo Bowl uniforms to come back and nip the Ravens in OT. Now all they's gotta do is get the Bus out of retirement and I think they are back on the road to the playoffs.

FINAL- STEELERS 23, RAVENS 20 OT
Fantasy Heroes-
PIT DST 15 pts; LeRon McClain RB BAL 14 pts; Derrick Mason WR BAL 15 pts; Santonio Holmes WR PIT 12 pts





Saturday, September 27, 2008

Hull City Wins At Arsenal




It's been a great weekend to wear Orange and Black. In a Oregon State over USC type upset, Premiership newcomers Hull City pulled off a stunner today, winning at Arsenal 2-1. Premierleague.com refers to it as a "famous" win and that's a pretty good description. It's a win that is the greatest in the 104 year history of this club, and punctuated by a spectacular goal by Brazilian midfielder Geovanni, which tied the match.

Friday, September 26, 2008

USC Loses to Oregon State



It looks like the college football season has finally officially begun now, as we have had our first #1 go down, and it was a shocker.

USC lost 27-21 to an Oregon State team that went in as 25 point underdogs. This is a continuation of struggles the Trojans have had in Corvallis, as they have now lost 3 out of their last 4 games there.

OSU freshman Jacquizz Rodgers jacquizzed all over the USC defense, rushing for 186 yards and 2 TDs. Trojan coach Pete Carroll's response after the game was, "The reality of the Pac-10 is obvious." Way to make a statement that makes absolutely no sense, coach.

Oklahoma entered the week as #2, but chances are that if #3 Georgia can beat Alabama this week, they'll leapfrog into the top spot.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Premiership Week 5

You know what's awesome? Watching your baseball team crap down their leg in the last week of the season and blow a 2 1/2 game lead in less than 72 hours. Makes you feel like you've really not spent the last 5 months of your life very wisely.

Anyway, enough on that. Open wide for some soccerrrrr!!

(3-0-2) CHELSEA 1, (1-1-2) MANCHESTER UNITED 1
This would be like your Colts vs. Patriots of soccer. Well, not this year I guess. The Colts and Patriots are kind of bad. Chelsea and Man U are still good though. Well, Man U will be good once they get their players back. They're not very good right now. The Red Devils fought gamely though, and made an 18th minute goal by Park Ji-Sung stand up until the 79th minute, when Ivorian winger Saloman Kalou headed in the equaliser to preserve Chelsea's 85 match home unbeaten streak.

(2-2-1) SUNDERLAND 2, (2-3-0) MIDDLESBROUGH 0
Don't look now, but the Sunderland club that has been decidedly out of their league during their Premier League visits is now in the upper half of the table through 5 matches. Michael Chopra came off the bench to score both goals late in the game, saving some face for the name "Chopra" after the abortion that was this summer's Mike Myers bomb "The Love Guru".

(2-2-1) BLACKBURN 1, (2-2-0) FULHAM 0
Matt Derbyshire not only scored the winning goal, he is actually from Blackburn. He is what you might call a "local hero". Fulham manager Roy Hodgson says after the match, that his team's performance was "more than satisfactory". So he's more than satisfied with losing and getting shut out. He sounds pretty easy to please. I bet his wife is happy.

(3-0-2) LIVERPOOL 0, (1-3-1) STOKE CITY 0
The Potters gut out a scoreless draw at mighty Liverpool by utilizing what the Premier league's official website called, "a magnificent rearguard action". You yourself may need one of those should you be anywhere around Wrigley Field during the playoffs.

(3-2-0) WEST HAM 3, (1-3-1) NEWCASTLE 1
The Hammers' first match under new manager Gianfranco Zola goes off without a hitch. Zola was formerly the manager of Italy's U-21 team, and took over after Alan Curbishley resigned a couple of weeks ago, claiming that West Ham was selling players without his permission. Boy for sale. Boyyyy for sale.

(1-3-1) BOLTON 1, (4-1-0) ARSENAL 3
Arsenal vaults to the top of the Premier League, and they're playing the prettiest football in the world right now. So pretty that Bolton manager Gary Megson gushed that his side had received "a footballing lesson" from Arsenal this one. Goals for Emmanuel Eboue, Nicklas Bendtner, and Patrick's favorite player, Brazilian sensation Denilson! Actually, just kidding, Denilson is not Patrick's favorite player.


(1-3-1) WEST BROM 1, (3-1-1) ASTON VILLA 2
One of the perennial pasttimes in the Premier League is the search for a team that can crack the "Big 4" (Chelsea, Man U, Liverpool, Arsenal). This year it looks like there are two teams that are going to make a run at it, and Villa is one of them. We'll get to the other one in a little bit.

(2-1-2) HULL CITY 2, (2-2-1) EVERTON 2
Hull just doesn't want to go away do they? They are 6th in the league right now, which is awesome for a team that just got promoted to the Premiership. Give credit to Everton too for scrambling back from a 2-0 second half deficit with goals by Tim Cahill and Leon Osman to salvage a point on the road.

(3-2-0) MANCHESTER CITY 6, (2-3-0) PORTSMOUTH 0
And here's that other team that is the threat to the league aristocracy. They are spending all kinds of crazy Arab oil dollars now (kind of like how Chelsea got good by spending Russian oil dollars no?), and have gotten 2 goals in as many games from their trophy acquisition Robinho.

(0-3-2) TOTTENHAM 0, (1-2-2) WIGAN 0
Zzzzzz....


LEAGUE STANDINGS THRU WK 5

TOP 5 (PTS/PLAYED/GD)
Arsenal 12/5/+9
Chelsea 11/5/+7
Liverpool 11/5/+3
Aston Villa 10/5/+3
Manchester City 9/5/+8

BOTTOM 5 (PTS/PLAYED/GD)
Bolton 4/5/-2
West Brom 4/5/-2
Stoke City 4/5/-3
Newcastle 4/5/-5
Tottenham 2/5/-3


LEADING SCORERS
1. Gabriel Agbonlahor, Aston Villa, 4
Amr Zaki, Wigan, 4
3. Emmanuel Adebayor, Arsenal, 3
John Carew, Aston Villa, 3
Kevin Davies, Bolton, 3
Jermain Defoe, Portsmouth, 3
Blumer Elano, Manchester City, 3
Mido, Middlesbrough, 3
Robin van Persie, Arsenal, 3
Shaun Wright-Phillips, Manchester City, 3
Ayegbeni Yakubu, Everton, 3

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE ROUNDUP

The group stage of the UEFA Champions League got underway last week:

GROUP A
- Chelsea sniffed Bordeaux's fragrant bouquet, then swished them around for a while and left them in the spit bucket, winning 4-0 at home.

- Romania impressed in this summer's European Cup, and their league champions, CFR, got off to a rousing start in Champions league play by upsetting AS Roma 2-1 in the Eternal City.

GROUP B
- Former Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho's new club, Inter Milan, got off to a nice Champions League start by getting a convincing 2-0 road win over Greek side Panathinaikos, with both goals being set up by Swedish star Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

- Plucky Cypriot club Anorthosis continues their Cinderella run (they climbed to the group round thru all 3 rounds of qualifying play) with a 0-0 draw at mighty German side Werder Bremen.

GROUP C
- Ukrainian champs Shakhtar got a pair of goals off free kicks to pick up a road win against Swiss side Basel.

- FC Barcelona has been struggling recently in La Liga, but pulled it together to get goals from Xavi, Eto'o, and Rafael Marquez to top Sporting Lisbon at home, 3-1.

GROUP D
- Atletico Madrid embarrassed PSV and all of Dutch football by crushing Holland's champs in front of their home crowd, 3-0.

- Liverpool got a pair of goals from their captain, Steven Gerrard, to come off the deck and win at Olympique Marseille 2-1. Gerrard's winning goal came on a penalty kick.

GROUP E

- The defending champions, Manchester United, bogged down into a 0-0 draw at home against La Liga's Yellow Submarine, Villarreal.

- Celtic blew a penalty kick and had to settle for a 0-0 draw with Denmark's AaB in front of their Glaswegian faithful.

GROUP F
- Bayern Munich scored early then held on for a 1-0 lead at Steaua Bucharest.

- Lyon went down 2-0 at the half, but rebounded to save some honor for Ligue 1 by salvaging a 2-2 draw against Serie A's Fiorentina.

GROUP G
-
FC Porto won this whole thing back in 2004 under Jose Mourinho, and they look like they mean business this year too, drubbing last year's quarterfinalists Fenerbahce (of Turkey) 3-1 in Portugal.

- Arsenal made the trip east to Kiev, where they have an 0-3 record in club history, and needed a goal in the 88th minute from William Gallas to salvage a 1-1 draw against a Dynamo Kiev team which went 0-6 in last year's group round.

GROUP H
-
Juventus kept the world safe for democracy by topping the evil Russians, Zenit, 1-0 in Torino on a free kick by Alessandro del Piero.

- Real Madrid were the masters of BATE, beating the plucky Belarussian side 2-0 with goals from Sergio Ramos and Ruud van Nistelrooy.













Monday, September 22, 2008

pnfm 092208

end of chelsea/man u
better buy: robinho vs. wright-philips
Wenger has a problem with Abu Dhabi Man City purchase
mourinho is hilarious

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Very Important News


"Hey Patrick, my DirecTV box just crashed right in the middle of a Sunday Ticket day. Even in the future, nothing works." -Nicky P

This is an email I sent today to Dish Network:

This afternoon I went to visit a fountain to reflect upon the loss of the only channel I cared about, GolTV, before it was cruelly taken from me 3 days after I signed to your terrible service. There was a father and son there. The son said, "Daddy, when will mommy be coming back? I miss her." The father sadly told him she wasn't ever coming back. The father walked away and the boy solemnly stood there in front of the fountain. Another child saw the boy sad and told him that if he threw a coin into the fountain, he could make any wish he wanted to. The boy, invigorated by the prospect of a wish, took out the only quarter he owned, ironically given to him by his mother. As the boy closed his eyes, he reared back to throw the coin. Suddenly, I charged in, took the coin from the boy's hand and threw the coin into the fountain so that I could wish that GolTV came back. Thanks for killing this boy's mother.

---

In a choice between mommy killers and a box crashing, I hate mommy killers more.

Week Three

Week Three is always a very interesting week in the NFL season. The reason is, you've got a clutch of 0-2 teams whose season is effectively over if they go 0-3. What makes it especially interesting this year is that aside from the usual incompetent boobery of teams like the Dolphins, Lions, Rams, Chiefs, et al, this year there are some A-listers in there as well. The Jaguars, Chargers, Browns, Vikings, and Seahawks are all teams that were expected to make the playoffs. A loss today by any of those teams would render them dead as fried chicken.

So with that sense of urgency in place, let's get to the games.

EARLY GAMES

(0-2) CHIEFS AT (1-1) FALCONS
KC gave up 300 rushing yards at home to the Raiders last week. This week they face another team that is going to leave tread marks on their headdresses. The Falcons rank 2nd in the league in yards per rushing attempt. I hope Matt Ryan's handing off elbow is rested and ready.

MY PICK- FALCONS 30, CHIEFS 16

FULLTIME UPDATE
Really, what's Herm's reasoning behind rolling Tyler Thigpen (14 of 36, 3 INT) out there? Is there something to be gained by completely demoralizing the rest of your team and obliterating any hope they have of even being competitive in an NFL game? If I'm Larry Johnson, you're telling me I'm supposed to be out there risking career ending injury on any given play, wasting one of my few remaining years as a productive running back on a team that has Tyler Thigpen playing quarterback? Really? Thigpen summed his play by saying, "I didn't play up to expectations." Which is interesting, because he actually did play up to I think everyone's expectations except for Herm Edwards'.

As for the Falcons, someone named Greg Smith or Mike Smith or whatever the name of the guy who coaches the Falcons now must be a fan of Footfut, because he followed my Rx'd game plan for this team to a tee. Pound it with Turner and Norwood (they combined for 179 rushing yards and 3 TD), and air it out a few times to Roddy White (5 catches for 119 yards and a 70 yard TD).


FINAL- FALCONS 38, CHIEFS 14



(1-1) RAIDERS AT (2-0) BILLS
Lane Kiffin survived Week 1 of his real life version of "The Apprentice", where instead of going to the boardroom after each task to face Donald Trump, he faces 130 year old Al Davis and his white windsuit. It's not helping that Darren McFadden is experiencing severe toe discomfort. Lane, you're fired.

MY PICK- BILLS 27, RAIDERS 13

HALFTIME UPDATE
The Bills keep turning it over, losing 3 fumbles, and the Raiders are making them pay, pay by giving up field goals. 3 Janikowski 3 pointers has the Raiders up 9-7. McFadden has been ineffective, but Michael Bush, with 49 yards on 6 carries, has been very effective.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Uh-oh, looks like Dick Jauron's team sold more tacos than Lane Kiffin's team. How will the boy wonder survive the boardroom this week? Darren McFadden has now played 3 games, and so far has shown us he can run all over the Chiefs, but against anyone else he's good for like 40 some rushing yards a game. I see a Kardashian sister in his future. JaMarcus Russell lights it up with a 9 of 19 passing day, he is revolutionizing the position.

FINAL- BILLS 24, RAIDERS 23




(0-2) BENGALS AT (2-0) GIANTS
Did anyone see the total disintegration of Carson Palmer's career coming? Because I sure as hell didn't. Maybe that gruesome knee injury he suffered a couple years ago really was career ending, from a certain point of view. There, I went all Obi Wan Kenobi on your asses.

MY PICK- GIANTS 27, BENGALS 20

HALFTIME UPDATE
The zombie Bengals have stirred from their crypt, and now they are hungry to feast on brrrrains!!! They lead 13-10 behind 54 rushing yards and a TD for Chris Perry. The Giants have been unable to get the running game going.

FULLTIME UPDATE
A game effort by the zombie Bengals, who were led by the re-animated TJ Housmandzadeh's 12 catches for 146 yards and a TD. In the end though, a deadly Toomer infected the undead Bengals, and the Giants send them back to hell with a game winning field goal in overtime. Carson Palmer gets a pat on his cleat marked back for going 27 of 39 and 286 yards despite being sacked 6 times.

FINAL- GIANTS 26, BENGALS 23 OT



(0-2) DOLPHINS AT (2-0) PATRIOTS
Part of the reason New England went 16-0 is that they played in a division where they get to play bumbling messes like the Dolphins, Jets, and (until this year) the Bills twice a year. It's kind of like how the Cubs are guaranteed play 40 games a year against the Pirates and Reds. I think the Patriots flex their muscles today and open the spigot on the offense, getting Randy Moss some touches and some stats.

MY PICK- PATRIOTS 37, DOLPHINS 6

HALFTIME UPDATE
Ronnie Brown is taking direct snaps at quarterback and has run for 3 TDs. The Dolphins lead this 21-6. I honestly don't know what the fuck is going on here. Matt Cassel's somehow completed 15 passes for only 103 yards. He may want to try throwing with the hand he writes with, he might be able to throw it farther that way.

FULLTIME UPDATE
About 10 years ago, me and my brother used to play this Playstation 1 game called Gameday 97 or 98 or something like that with this guy that lived down the block from us. He was pretty terrible at this game, and lost everytime he played us. That is, until he discovered that if he ran the FG Block play on defense on every play, that it was completely unstoppable and he would tackle the quarterback practically before he received the snap on every play. Then he was unbeatable.

The Dolphins did something like this in this game, only it was the direct snap to Ronnie Brown play. Brown ran for 4 TDs and passed for another, inspiring suicidal thoughts in all the people who had him on their fantasy team's bench this week. Joey Porter had 3 sacks after questioning Matt Cassel's competence earlier in the week. Miami clobbers the Patriots, and their fans were leaving early, as this Patriots season continues bringing to mind a poem I once heard: "Karma, karma, karma, karma , karma, chameleon. You come and go. You come and go."

FINAL- DOLPHINS 38, PATRIOTS 13





(0-1) TEXANS AT (2-0) TITANS
The Titans look like the best team in the league right now. They quietly have put together a defense that, for my money, is one of the 5 best we've seen this decade. They also have found a guy who is a real offensive weapon in Chris Johnson. Houston's only played one game, so they are kind of a mystery team. I am guessing this mystery ends in their grisly demise, due to having no quarterback and no running game.

MY PICK- TITANS 23, TEXANS 9

HALFTIME UPDATE
What did I say about the Texans having no running game? Steve Slaton has 109 first half rushing yards. I know my football. That's merely been enough to slightly annoy the Titans though, as they've got the offense rolling and lead 21-12. 2 TD for Lendale White.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Hindsight is 20/20, I know this, but's let's step back and assess this statement. "We are going to turn over our offense to the Atlanta Falcons' backup quarterback. He's started like 2 games in his career, and he looked pretty good. This should work out awesome." Matt Schaub goes 17 of 37 with 3 picks. The Texans existence is becoming more and more like a dizzy bat race with each passing week.

FINAL- TITANS 31, TEXANS 12




(1-1) BUCS AT (1-1) BEARS
The Bears are paid a visit by the Ghost of Shitty QB's Past when Brian Griese makes his triumphant return to Soldier Field. Tampa hangs its hat on having an impermeable pass defense, but, I ask you, what good does that do against a team who goes into each game resigned to the fact that they won't be able to throw the ball?

MY PICK- BEARS 17, BUCS 16

HALFTIME UPDATE
An interesting study in what happens when 2 teams with high school offenses get together. Bucs lead 14-9 in a really ugly game. 0 rushing yards on 5 carries in the first half for Honest Earnest Graham, but Kyle Orton has countered by throwing for 76 yards and 2 INT, one of which went back for a TD.

FULLTIME UPDATE
The Bears blow another late double digit lead, then Peanut Tillman's idiotic personal foul penalty turned a third and nine at the Tampa Bay 8 yard line in OT into 1st and 10 for the Bucs at the 25, leading to the game winning field goal. Nothing like getting 400 yards hung on your "elite" defense by the QB you traded in the offseason because Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman are just sooo awesome that there was no room for him. This game was just a kick in the nuts for the Bears on so many levels.

FINAL- BUCS 27, BEARS 24 OT



(2-0) CARDINALS AT (1-1) REDSKINS

Hey let's all wack off over the Cardinals because they beat the Niners and the Dolphins. Welcome back to the NFC East, Redbirds, you remember it well, when you were in it you used to lose all the time.

MY PICK- REDSKINS 27, CARDINALS 20

HALFTIME UPDATE
The Skins scored a Clinton Portis TD on an 11 play drive to open the game, but the Cardinals have run the ball effectively, and are within striking distance trailing 10-7. Anquan Boldin has the Cards score.


FULLTIME UPDATE
A good game between two under the radar good teams. The Redskins get the win because they played a mistake-free game offensively. As we sit here almost at the quarter pole of the season, I'm willing to go out on the limb and say both of these teams are in my top 10 in the league right now, and both will make the playoffs.

FINAL- REDSKINS 24, CARDINALS 17




(2-0) PANTHERS AT (0-2) VIKINGS
When you find yourself thinking thoughts like "We are now relying on Gus Frerotte to save our season", it is time for some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Not helping that Adrian Peterson has been afflicted by the Ebola Toe Virus that's running rampant amongst NFL running backs this weekend.

MY PICK- PANTHERS 20, VIKINGS 16

HALFTIME UPDATE
Steve Smith is back and has 60 yards on 3 catches. Delhomme has coughed it up twice though, and one was taken back for a TD. This one is tied at 10. Only 39 yards on 10 carries for Adrian Peterson. Chester Taylor, apparently, missed the bus or something. I love how the Vikings just decided to stop doing what worked for them last year, and go from a 2 back attack to a 1 back attack. They deserve whatever they get.

FULLTIME UPDATE
It kind of sickens me that my beloved White Sox will be fighting for their postseason lives on the same field turf that Gus Frerotte was just tromping around a couple of days ago. Hopefully Javier Vazquez, Mark Buehrle, and Gavin Floyd will be as stingy as the Vikings defense was in this one. The Vikings sacked Jake Delhomme 5 times, took a fumble back for a TD, and limited the Panthers to 204 net yards of offense. Minnesota gets their first win, and Carolina their first loss.

FINAL- VIKINGS 20, PANTHERS 10



LATE GAMES

(1-1) SAINTS AT (2-0) BRONCOS
Jay Cutler has emerged from his chrysalis, and metamorphosed into John Elway's father's boss. The Saints defense ranks 29th in the league despite playing pedestrian squads such as Tampa and Washington so far. Denver's defense is in the bottom third of the league against both the run and the pass, and the Saints are the kind of team that can take advantage of that. Oh the offensive possibilites in this one make my head spin.

MY PICK
BRONCOS 34, SAINTS 31

HALFTIME UPDATE
This one isn't disappointing. Drew Brees has thrown for 243 yards, but a fumble that was run back for a TD by Nate Webster is the difference right now as the Broncos lead 24-19 at the half. Reggie Bush and Pierre Thomas have gotten in for the Saints, while Brandon Marshall and 3rd string TE Nate Jackson have scored for the Broncos.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Not sure who saw this coming, but let me be the first to say that the most dominating offensive player in the game as we sit here on September 24, 2008, is Brandon Marshall. He finished this game with 155 receiving yards, a week after almost tying the NFL record for receptions in a single game. Let me also be the first to say that the Broncos should always wear those orange jerseys at home. That color belongs to the Broncos, they own it, and they don't take advantage of that. That is inexcusable. Much like Hank Paulson said the Wall Street fiasco was "inexcusable", and then went ahead and excused it by giving them $700 billion. Also inexcusable is Martin "Autoerotica" Gramatica's missed field goal with 2 minutes left that could've been the game winner for NO.

FINAL- BRONCOS 34, SAINTS 32




(0-2) LIONS AT (1-1) NINERS
The much anticipated Mike Martz Bowl. I am really hoping Kitna calls timeout to yell at his offensive coaches again. Getting to look in on the Lions theatre of the damned every Sunday is enough for me to say this Sunday Ticket has already payed for itself.

MY PICK
NINERS 30, LIONS 20

HALFTIME UPDATE
The Lions are bringing the bad this afternoon. Kitna is 5 of 11 for 30 yards, and the Niners are up 21-3.

FULLTIME UPDATE
My lasting memory of this game will be Jon Kitna hopping around on one leg like a deranged Easter Bunny. 130 rushing yards for Frank Gore. The 49ers have now officially graduated from totally awful to good enough to beat totally awful teams. Matt Millen was fired today. The Lions will now receive a $500 billion bailout from the US Treasury.

FINAL - 49ERS 31, LIONS 13



(0-2) RAMS AT (1-1) SEAHAWKS
If the Seahawks lose at home to the Niners and Rams in back to back weeks ,it's time for them to figuratively put on some Alice in Chains and take a toaster bath.


MY PICK
SEAHAWKS 24, RAMS 10

HALFTIME UPDATE
Hey Patrick, my DirecTV box just crashed right in the middle of a Sunday Ticket day. Even in the future, nothing works. The Rams trail 27-6 and just need to give up on this football thing. Julius Jones is about the length of my schwantz away from 100 yards.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Julius Jones and TJ Duckett combine for 219 rushing yards and 3 TDs? Can someone explain to me how Scott Linehan has not been fired yet? Is Georgia Frontiere still running this team even though she's dead? Trent Green is still in the league and he's starting next week? How bad are the Rams when all comments about them have to be made in the form of a question?

FINAL- SEAHAWKS 37, RAMS 13





(2-0) STEELERS AT (1-1) EAGLES
Donovan McNabb is now the greatest quarterback ever. My TV told me so. I think the Steelers will squeeze the life out of the Eagles today, but it won't be McNabb's fault,. Nothing ever is. I wish there was some sort of surgery that would transfer some of the guilt Vince Young feels to Donovan McNabb, so then they both would have appropriate opinions of themselves. Big Ben is going to torch the Eagles secondary.

MY PICK
STEELERS 27, EAGLES 17

HALFTIME UPDATE
Well, Westbrook's hurt. That didn't take long. In other news, I look out my window and see the sun setting in the west. The Eagles defense has stepped it up big time though. They've dumped Roethlisberger 6 times, and Philly leads 10-6.

FULLTIME UPDATE
The Steelers gameplan was like something a drunk 15 year old playing Madden would use. Try and throw the ball downfield on every play even though you keep getting sacked. Don't throw underneath or run the ball outside or anything to make the other team pay for rushing 9 or 10 guys on every play. Roethlisberger ends up leaving the game after getting sacked about 30 times. Westbrook, it seems, is going to possibly be OK, for now, until he gets hurt again. McNabb left the game briefly with a chest injury, so get ready to hear all night on Sunday about what a gladiator he is. I really can't wait for that.

FINAL- EAGLES 15, STEELERS 6



(0-2) BROWNS AT (1-0) RAVENS
The Browns have been horrible in every phase of the game so far. They look like they've been infected with the Bengal Virus.

MY PICK
RAVENS 17, BROWNS 13

HALFTIME UPDATE
Ravens safety Dawan Landry got his facemask sawed off and was carted off the field in one of those Oh Shit injuries. Let's hope he's OK. Browns lead 10-7, mostly due to the Ravens' offense being really, really bad. 2 INT throws for El Flacco.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Derek Anderson completed only 14 of 37 pass attempts, was picked off 3 times, and sacked 5 times. Page 37 in the well-worn Cleveland Browns Disaster Procedure Manual calls for Kelly Holcomb to start at QB now, but I don't think he's on the team anymore, so I think it's every man for himself. The Ravens are 2-0 despite El Flacco having a 55.7 passer rating.

FINAL- RAVENS 24, BROWNS 10




(0-2) JAGUARS AT (1-1) COLTS
It's kind of funny to me how the Jaguars have been trying to scale this unclimbable Colts mountain for time immemorial now, and now that the Colts finally look vulnerable, the Titans are now so much better than both of these teams. It would be enough to fill me with ennui. I think the Colts will win on some frenzied drive in the waning moments with Peyton Manning waving his hands all over the place.

MY PICK
COLTS 27, JAGS 26

HALFTIME UPDATE
The Jaguars are running all over the Bob Sanders-less Colts, with 121 rushing yards, but still somehow have not scored an offensive touchdown. That's how you get to be 0-3 folks. Marvin and Addai have scored for the Colts, and have them up 14-10.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Just when the football media was breaking out the kneepads to celebrate Peyton Manning leading the Colts on a game winning drive for the second week in a row, the Colts somehow manage to lose this one. After the Colts went 77 yards in 11 plays that took only 1:20 to take the lead on a Joseph Addai 2 yard TD, the Jags had the ball down 24-22 with 1:07 left. A 4th and 1 pass falls incomplete, and it looks like the Colts have won, BUT, an illegal contact penalty gives the Jags a first down and another chance.

A slim chance though, as they have the ball at their own 40 with 29 seconds left. However, no collapse scenario is too unlikely for this Colts' defense, so Garrard completes three straight passes to set up Josh Scobee for a 51 yard FG which he knocks home to save the Jags from an 0-3 start. Fred Taylor and MJD finally, FINALLY do SOMETHING this season and combine for 228 yards on 45 carries. Note to Jacksonville offensive coordinator...RUN..THE..BALL. You have 2 stud running backs, and you give them each like 5 touches a game. Are you fucking retarded? (This is where you reply, "Do you want me to be fucking retarded?")


FINAL- JAGS 25, COLTS 24






SUNDAY NIGHT
(2-0) COWBOYS AT (2-0) PACKERS
I guess Tony Romo just signed some kind of world record marketing deal with Starter. I dunno, I can't really remember the last time I remember thinking to myself, "God, I just HAVE to look more like Tony Romo, or else I swear I shall die."

MY PICK
COWBOYS 30, PACKERS 27

FULLTIME UPDATE
On the surface, this looked like a convincing coronation of the Cowboys as the clear cut best team in the league. Marion Barber ran for 142 violent yards, the defense pressured Aaron Rodgers all night long and limited the Packers to field goals instead of touchdowns, and Tony Romo was able to use a receiver other than Witten or TO (Miles Austin) to break a couple of big plays. However, TO had only 2 catches for 17 yards, and left the locker room without speaking to reporters. If TO isn't happy, this magical ride to the moon on a licorice whip that the Cowboys season has been so far is going to take an unpleasant turn. They better get him the ball a lot this week, or else the nitroglycerin tank that is this delicate mix of superstars could be disturbed.


FINAL- COWBOYS 27, PACKERS 16



MONDAY NIGHT

(1-1) JETS AT (0-2) CHARGERS
Are you ready for some fawnnnningggggg???? Some verbal felllatiooooooooo??? I'll definitely need to take some Dramamine to keep the supper down as Brett Favre makes his primetime Jets debut. The Chargers need this one to avoid an 0-3 start. If things start to not go the Chargers way, expect a lot of closeups of Norv Turner's Emperor Palpatine-like face.

FULLTIME UPDATE
The Jets took an early 7-0 lead on a pick six by David Barrett, then the Chargers scored 38 of the games next 45 points and it was laughing time by the end of the third quarter. Brett slinged 3 INTs with child-like joy. He was just having so much fun out there. He was having so much fun that they had to pull him for Kellen Clemens at the end of the game so that he wouldn't die of an embolism brought on by an overload of endorphins.

FINAL- CHARGERS 48, JETS 29