FootballFutbol

Week 1 Picks

2011-09-11T07:46:00.000-07:00

STEELERS AT RAVENS (-1)
Last year these 2 AFC North archrivals slugged their way thru 2 low scoring taffy pulls in the regular season. The Ravens won by 3 at Pittsburgh, and the Steelers won by 3 at Baltimore. The Steelers won the rubber match 31-24 in the AFC Wildcard round. That tells me the Ravens have been training Rocky in Russia style all offseason long to avenge the is defeat, and will avenge it in Week 1, followed by an existential crisis and colossal letdown in Week 2.
RAVENS 23, STEELERS 20

LIONS AT BUCS (-1)
Oh the sexiness of these 2 preseason sexy sleeper picks! The Lions ranked 20th or worse in Y/A on both offense and defense against both the run and the pass last year. They are good how? Then again, the Bucs got gashed by Maurice Morris of all people for 100+rushing yards when the Lions beat them 23-20 in OT late last season, and Cal Johnson went bonkers for 10 catches and 150+ yards. Irregardless, I'm way more on board with the Bucs than I am with the Lions.
BUCS 27, LIONS 17

FALCONS (-2.5) AT BEARS
I've never been a huge Lovie Smith fan, but the smoke and mirrors he used to get a very ordinary Bears team playing the NFC Championship game at home last year convinced me he's a really good coach. Luck has a way of running out though.
FALCONS 23, BEARS 10

BILLS AT CHIEFS (-4.5)
The line on this game has dropped from 6 1/2 to 4 1/2 since it opened. Apparently people are hedging on the Chiefs. But still, the Bills people. Worst run defense in the league last year facing the 4th ranked run offense, on the road. I'm betting both kidneys on KC.
CHIEFS 30, BILLS 17

COLTS AT TEXANS (-9)
The last time the Texans faced Kerry Collins, Collins threw 2 TDs and the Texans lost 31-17. If I lose my kidneys on the Bills/Chiefs game, I will win them back plus a liver on this one.
TEXANS 23, COLTS 20

EAGLES (-4) AT RAMS
Are Rams male Goats? I took my son to the petting zoo yesterday, he was pretty afraid of the goats and I have to say I agree with him. I take that as a sign.
RAMS 27, EAGLES 17

BENGALS AT BROWNS (-6.5)
The Browns are favored by 6 1/2? In their last 32 games the Browns have won by 7 or more points 5 times. The laws of probability are not in their favor here.
BROWNS 17, BENGALS 13

TITANS AT JAGUARS PICK 'EM
Icky.
JAGUARS 30, TITANS 24

GIANTS -2.5 AT REDSKINS
Rex Grossman claws his way out of the sarcophagus to become an NFL starting QB again, and now he's listed as doubtful? I am doubtful of my will to live.
GIANTS 20, REDSKINS 10

PANTHERS AT CARDINALS (-7)
GARY SINISE LOOKALIKE READY TO QB CARDS TO 7 WIN SEASON
CARDS 27, PANTHERS 9

SEAHAWKS AT NINERS (-5 1/2)
Much like the Browns being favored by 6 1/2, I can't figure out why the 49ers would be 5 1/2 points against any team where most of the players have their high school diplomas.
NINERS 23, SEAHAWKS 21

VIKINGS AT CHARGERS (-8 1/2)
The Chargers favored by more than a TD in September? I'm going to be taking a golden shower in a golden bathtub after I collect all my winnings this week.
CHARGERS 27, VIKINGS 24

COWBOYS AT JETS (-6)
I might be missing something but Dallas looks bad to me.
JETS 27, COWBOYS 13

Opening Night Rubdown

2011-09-09T12:59:00.000-07:00

So it's only been what, like 11 months since my last post?

In that time I've been finding out how hard it is to be a parent, changed jobs and danced ever so delicately on the fine line between sanity and not sanity. But football season is now back and so am I, and after last nights 5 star opener between the Packers and Saints, I feel re-invigorated.

Last night's matchup between the previous 2 years Super Bowl winners had it all. If "all" does not include defense, which it did not include at all. Of course, in this day and age where Fantasy Football is more important than real football, and people want to tune in to see their imaginary team members put up lots of touchdowns, Thursday Night's 42-34 Green Bay win over the Saints was exactly what football fans salivated for over a long sweltering summer where it was unsure if we'd ever see NFL football before the Mayan Apocalypse.

The game came down to a final untimed play, when an AJ Hawk PI penalty in the end zone gave the Saints one chance to punch it in from the one and thus earn a potentially game tying 2 point conversion attempt. Sean Payton made the interesting choice of putting the game in the hands of a rookie RB, Mark Ingram, who had averaged barely 3 yards a carry in an unimpressive pro debut, rather than the Pro Bowl QB who had disemboweled the supposedly good Packers defense for 419 passing yards, or even the veteran running back, Pierre Thomas, who had run effectively for 31 yards on just 5 carries. Ingram was stuffed for no gain in what may have been the only play from scrimmage in the whole game that didn't pick up at least 10 yards, and the Packers held on for a shaky win.

I admire the Saints pluck and tenacity in bringing a game which looked on numerous occasions like it would disintegrate into a blowout all the way down to the last play. However, remember the last time we saw them, their defense was getting 41 points hung on them by the mighty Seahawk juggernaut, and in this opener that defense was still non-functional. That's a problem they have to resolve.

The Packers, meanwhile, looked unbeatable according to what Mel Kiper Jr. said on the radio this morning. What? Unbeatable? They were 1 yard away from losing..how is that unbeatable? I missed idiotic football commentary almost as much as I missed football itself.

NFL Playoffs Week 1

2011-01-07T16:57:00.000-08:00

New Orleans at Seattle

I know that the logical choice is to pick the Saints, especially since, well, Seattle is the first team to make it into the playoffs with a losing record, but I'm picking Seattle. 1) I want to look super smart if they win and 2) Seattle's home field averages 2 false starts per game. Okay, and 3) the ref will rig to make up for what happened to them in the Superbowl.

NY Jets at Colts

Indy is 5-1 vs Rex Ryan and it's at Indy. Easy pick. Indy.

Baltimore at Kansas City

Kansas City sucks. Stop thinking they're good. They played shitty ass teams twice to win their division. Baltimore wins by a lot.

Green Bay at Philadelphia

Everyone's picking Green Bay, but I think Vick is going to drop nuts on Green Bay. Green Bay can toss up big numbers, but the reason they barely made the playoffs was because of their defense. Aaron Rodgers is also super overrated. MVP? REALLY? If he's MVP, so is Philip Rivers. Wait, you have to win to be MVP.

Eagles Tuesday Game and TCU WORLD CHAMPS

2011-01-03T16:55:00.000-08:00

Two thoughts:

First, lots of crying going on when the Eagles/Vikings game had to be moved to Tuesday because of possible snow. You got officials and players and announcers and your fucking mom crying that the league is super pussy now. Apparently, real men play in the snow, which is fine, but all the fans that have to trek through the dangerous weather better be real men too if they want to live to get to the game.

The main argument against the move was that if the Eagles don't clinch a bye, they'll have to play three times in ten days. Can't real men play three games in ten days?

Second, on Sportsnation, 52% of the voters believed that TCU deserves a piece of the national championship. Initially, I was going to say bullshit, but then all the reason I thought were bullshit, weak schedule, small conference with no automatic bid, and being a fuck face were all bullshit reasons in of themselves because the whole system is bullshit. You can't cry bullshit about TCU's claim for a piece of the title if the system bullshits a National Champion.

I mean, think about the argument of the BCS: The two best teams will play for the title game and whoever wins that is the best. Okay, how do you determine the two best teams? We look at a bunch of shit including schedule, losses, how many times you got caught doing weed, celebrity sex tapes, and how many times you got caught hitting your wife. Alright, just the first two. Okay, so even though you're arguing that a team has to have a perfect season to be the best - which AMERICAN SPORTS HISTORY SHOWS THAT'S BULLSHIT - so what happens if you have more than two undefeated teams? Uhh, well, strength of schedule. What if the strength of schedule is the same? Uhhh, if you're an automatic bid school or an unrecognized conference school. Wow, that's some elitist shit. TCU had the same fucking strength of schedule and record as Oregon, but TCU gets assed out because they're at an unrecognized conference? Uhh, well, you can only pick two, so someone gets assed out. No, fucko. That's my motherfucking point. Teams that are worth it to give a chance, should have a shot. Don't cry that TCU is making a bullshit argument because the BCS Championship is a bullshit argument.

Dog Catcher

2010-12-14T19:54:00.001-08:00

Real Madrid Conspiracy

2010-11-24T09:02:00.000-08:00

In the Real Madrid vs. Ajax Champions league game, Xabi Alonso and Sergio Ramos got Red Cards winning 4-0. How is that possible? They refused to kick the free kick.

Fast forward to 5 min to see them both.

You may be wondering what happened. Well, here is photo evidence of what happened:

MLS Final Sucked Shit

2010-11-23T20:56:00.000-08:00

The MLS Final between Colorado and Dallas FC got a whopping .4 rating (about 700k viewers). This is down from .7 (about 1.1 mil). Here are the top ten trending tweets that I found about the MLS Final:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

That's right! No one fucking talked about it because nobody wants to see youth players from Colorado play some assholes in Dallas in soccer. You have stars in Donovan and Beckham in LA and Henry and Marquez on NY Red Bulls. That's four very recognizable names from four different countries. You could have had audiences from England, America, Mexico, and France watching. But instead of rigging the finals like any smart company like the NFL or NBA does, they play it fair and have shitty people play shitty people.

Who the fuck wants to spend time watching the MLS Final between Colorado and Dallas? Some of you assholes would cry, "BUT PATRICK, SNIFF SNIFF, YOU DIDN'T EVEN WATCH THE MATCH!" Yeah, that's exactly it. I was not one of the 700k people wasting their lives watching youth prospects from Colorado and Dallas play a meaningless final. THEY'RE NOT EVEN FEEDER TEAMS TO ANYONE. Here are things I would rather do than watch the MLS Final:

1. Put pubes in my salad to make it crunchy.
2. Eat bacon covered shit.
3. Get pregnant and then kick my own stomach.

These morons competed with an NFL game instead of scheduling their final during the World Series. Why would you do that? Want a clue on how to get ratings? Rig your championships and go against the World Series.

Five signs Wade Phillips was going to be fired

2010-11-09T20:03:00.001-08:00

1. One of his assistant coaches wasn't the most interesting man in the world.
Yes, I'm talking about that Dos Equis beer model that is always preceded by awesome things that awesome people do. If you don't know this guy, it's because you are not the most interesting man in the world. In fact, you're a fucking bukake. This guy has sex with your mom, and then you cried because you weren't the baby from it. If Wade Phillips had this guy on the team, the most interesting man in the world would just tell Wade Phillips that nice guys finish last, and dipshits people feel sorry for don't qualify in the race. You're fat, so that makes you an asshole, which is worse than both.

2. Tony Romo was a homo for Witten.
Yeah, TO's a bitch, but he was someone to throw to. Instead, Tony Romo dumped him when he wanted to stay forever because Romo and Witten we're gay for each other. It's lame. People think Romo is so awesome, but he just chokes. Then he gets hurt and pusses off to the sidelines. Wade was like, OH SNAP, I DUNNO WHO ELSE TO PUT IN BUT JON FUCKING KITNA. Once you saw Romo homo for Witten, it was over.

3. The offensive coordinator made as much as you.
So you're telling me that a shitty offense with only Des Bryant, a rookie, as being the only guy trying was one of the biggest reasons you fired Wade, then you promote his offensive coordinator? What's he going to do different that he didn't do while offensive coordinator? Is he going to tell the defense to work harder? His own offensive unit didn't work harder. The fact that this bitch tits Jason Garrett made just as much as the head coach meant Wade should have just took his cookies and ate them at home.

4. The Cowboys accidentally thought the NFL was a mix gendered league and put a girl as QB.
Really, I know I talked about Tony Romo, but this guy's a fucking fairy. People think he's so awesome because he did well when Bill Parcells covered his mistake-prone ass, but really he's just some dude that was a rebound for Jessica Simpson. Yeah, I said it. Jessica Simpson, the second dumbest woman in America (that O'Donnell chick from the Tea Party that believes science is too dangerous and shouldn't be taught in schools because science created human-level intelligent mice is the #1 dumbest person in America) used your QB as a rebound, Cowboy fan. That should have told you that Wade Phillips was fucked.

5. The Cowboys didn't have 11 Demarcus Wares.
This motherfucker can play. Could you imagine if there were 11 of these assholes? Excessive hit fines or not, someone's becoming a rape survivor after 11 Demarcus Wares all dip into that said person's asshole. When you look out into the field and see 11 Demarcus Wares, you would be like that HS coach who saw three fat kids on the other team and just forfeit. Unfortunately for you, Wade, you only had one, which was the biggest sign you were going to get fired.

Agents Paying College Players Haikus

2010-10-14T17:39:00.000-07:00

Confessions of an Agent
Josh Luchs paid money
To bitches like Ryan Leaf
No return for him

In Response to Arguments that Student Athletes Need to Get Paid to Eat
College athletes cry
Because they can't get a job
They need to eat too

Fuck all those assholes
My school loan was a lot
You guys get one too

Week 4 Rubdown AFC West

2010-10-10T12:59:00.000-07:00

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (3-0)

WK 3 W v. San Francisco 31-10, WK 4 BYE

Offense Rank 18th, Defense Rank 14th

The Chiefs are the last of the unbeatens in the NFL. Nobody would have predicted that after 4 weeks there would be only one undefeated team, and even fewer people would have predicted that team would be the Chiefs. Yes, fewer than nobody. But here we are. KC has a young and exciting team, with a pair of electrifying talents in Jamaal Charles and Dexter McCluster on offense, and a stout young front seven which ranks fourth in the league in Y/A versus the run. It's been a nice story so far, but things are about to get tougher with back to back road games at Indy and Houston, and 4 road games in the next 6 weeks. Matt Cassel has been only slightly better than horrible, Dwayne Bowe has been invisible. If the Chiefs are going to succeed in this bruising month and a half stretch coming up, they are going to have to have a respectable passing game.

2. DENVER BRONCOS (2-2)

WK 3 L v. Indianapolis 13-27, WK 4 W at Tennessee 26-20

Offense Rank 4th, Defense Rank 16th

Kyle Orton is one of the elite QBs in the NFL. Thru 4 weeks, he's throwing for over 350 yards per game, and that's insane. He's doing this with his running back out of the lineup, and a #1 receiver in Brandon Lloyd who has been released by just about every team in the NFL. As good as Orton has been, the Broncos went into last week needing a win at Tennessee to avoid a disastrous 1-3 start. They got that win though, which was essential because the next two weeks have them traveling to Baltimore and hosting the Jets. Teams don't usually come back from 1-5 starts. Sometimes the schedule maker just kicks you in the nuts, and I think that's been the case with the Broncos. They are a pretty good team, but the record doesn't show it, and probably won't show it until they can get some games against their weak division under their belts.

3. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (2-2)

WK 3 L at Seattle 20-27, WK 4 W v. Arizona 41-10

Offense Rank 1st, Defense Rank 1st

How, you may ask, does a team that ranks 1st in the league in both offense and defense have a 2-2 record? Well, one loss was on opening night in a monsoon, and the Chargers looked well on their way to thumping the Chiefs that night until it started raining, after which point they looked hopeless. The other loss was a special teams meltdown in which they gave up 2 return TDs to Leon Washington in Seattle. Other than that, the Chargers have been dominant. Mike Tolbert has been a find in the running game, providing a bruising hammer that is opening things up for Antonio Gates, who is having a monster year with 6 receiving TDs already. The Chargers are notorious for horrible starts, and I'm sure they're disappointed with 2-2. The fact is though, they are still the best team in the division by a lot, and maybe the best team in the league, that has to show up in the record sooner or later.

4. OAKLAND RAIDERS (1-3)

WK 3 L at Arizona 23-24, WK 4 L v. Houston 24-31

Offense Rank 9th, Defense Rank 11th

Darren McFadden is finally playing up to his potential, giving the Raiders a viable offense. The defense is horrible against the run though, ranking last in the league in Y/A against, and twice getting gashed for 200+ yards, including in last weeks loss at Houston. They'll be blacked out in their home market for the 10th straight time this week, and here's what Marty Schottenheimer had to say about them on Sirius Radio this week:

“The one constant you can count on in playing the Raiders is that they don’t finish. They don’t finish plays and they don’t finish games. I always told my players that if they kept playing hard against the Raiders, they would eventually fold. That is why I knew we would always win. That is still the perception around the league.”

Okay then!

Week 4 Rubdown - AFC South

2010-10-10T06:25:00.000-07:00

1. HOUSTON TEXANS (3-1)

WK 3 L v. Dallas 13-27, WK 4 W at Oakland 31-24

Offense Rank 2nd, Defense Rank 32nd

I realize this is the sexy pick to make a breakthru and get to the Super Bowl this year, but that's not going to happen with the worst defense in the league. It's not surprising with this enigmatic team that even after 4 weeks, it's really not possible to tell how good they are. They beat Indy in Week 1, but that accomplishment has dulled a little now that we see how the Colts have struggled. The last 2 weeks have brought a thorough beating at home from the Cowboys, and an uninspiring win in Oakland. Arian Foster has been the best running back in the league so far, and a revelation, helping offset Andre Johnson's slow start. That defense though, has been torched for over 400 passing yards twice already, which is ridiculous given the talent on it. Mario Williams has 5 sacks already, and Brian Cushing will return from his bout with Cushing's Disease, which I believe is caused by steroid use, so maybe there's hope. They'll have a tough matchup with the Giants in Week 5, but win or lose, I still won't really know how good they are.

2. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (2-2)

WK 3 L v. Philadelphia 3-28, WK 4 W v. Indianapolis 31-28

Offense Rank 24th, Defense Rank 30th

Here's a bit of a conundrum. Is Jack Del Rio a good coach because he's managed to be 2-2 with wins over pretty decent Denver and Indy teams despite having both an offense and defense that ranks among the worst in the league? Or is he a bad coach because this team is obviously awful despite its 2-2 record? This seems like an 0-4 team in 2-2 clothing, but then again the Jags have always been a team with wildly fluctuating performances from one week to the next. The common theme seems to be that in their 2 wins, they have 0 turnovers, and in their two losses they have 7. I guess they are to be commended for surviving the first quarter of the year despite being so bad, but I'm also thinking that the Bills get their first and possibly only win of the season against them this week.

3. TENNESSEE TITANS (2-2)

WK3 W at NY Giants 29-10, WK 4 L v. Denver 20-26

Offense Rank 27th, Defense Rank 9th

Another historically schizo team, the Titans have looked a little more like the awful team that didn't get a win until November last year than the team that couldn't stop losing after November last year. If you'll remember that pretty game in the snow in Foxboro last year, the problem with the Titans early last year was pass defense. The last 2 weeks they've given up over 300 passing yards, so it seems to be a problem again, punctuated by defensive coordinator Chuck Cecil flicking off an official during last weeks loss to the Broncos. The offense has struggled too. It's leaning heavily on Chris Johnson and he's fallen off a little, averaging under 4 yards a carry so far. Vince Young hasn't been bad, but defenses are coming out with one thought in mind against the Titans, to contain Chris Johnson any way they can. So far VY hasn't made them pay, and if he doesn't both Johnson and the T's will continue to struggle.

4. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (2-2)

WK 3 W at Denver 27-13, WK 4 L at Jacksonville 28-31

Offense Rank 3rd, Defense Rank 24th

Is this the year that Peyton Manning finally fails to carry a subpar supporting cast to the playoffs? Manning has never been better. He's putting up 300+ yards every game and making a star out of Austin Collie (although Reggie Wayne once again took center stage last weekend, catching 15 balls for almost 200 yards). So far it hasn't been enough though. The headset wearing water cooler that is Jim Caldwell actually came into play in last week's bad loss to Jacksonville, calling a stupid time out which helped leave enough time for Josh Scobee to nail a long distance field goal to win it as time expired. Combine that with a vestigial running game, and a defense which is now down to a 3rd string safety after both Bob Sanders and his replacement Melvin Bullitt go out for the year, and it's going to be a struggle all year for the Colts, who face the unbeaten Chiefs this week.

Week 4 Rubdown - AFC North

2010-10-08T08:20:00.001-07:00

Sorry I'm behind schedule with the rubdowns this week. Been at work till 8, 9 o clock all week. Will get caught up before Week 5.

1. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (3-1)
WK 3 W at Tampa Bay 38-13, WK 4 L v. Baltimore 14-17
Offense Rank 29th, Defense Rank 5th

The Steelers have been in a situation much like I find myself in at work now. For months I've been dreading this past week of 2011 budget meetings. I survived it though, they went pretty well, and now I feel like I'm in the clear and it's smooth sailing for a while. Same thing with the Steelers. They spent the entire offseason bracing themselves for the Ben Roethlisberger Suspension. It's come and gone though, and thanks to some great play by Rashard Mendenhall and a resurgence of their defense, they've come thru it with a 3-1 record, best in their division, and have to feel like they are on top of the world as they enjoy their bye week and prepare to beat up on the Browns in week 6. And make no mistake, they will beat up on the Browns. The only thing the Browns have going for them on offense is a running game, and you can't run on the Steelers (1st in the league in Y/A against the run). Following that cakewalk though, they've got 3 consecutive road games at Miami, New Orleans, and Cincinnati. Ironically enough, their 3-1 start without Ben, could very easily be wiped out by a 1-3 run with him. Maybe. Probably not.

2. BALTIMORE RAVENS (3-1)
WK 3 W v. Cleveland 24-17, WK 4 W at Pittsburgh 17-14
Offense Rank 22nd, Defense Rank 2nd

For a team that's supposed to be on a rocket ship ride to the Super Bowl on a licorice whip this season, I'm not that impressed with the Ravens so far. The win over the Steelers was nice. The Charlie Batch Steelers are not the Ben Roethlisberger Steelers, but a win is a win especially when it's against the 1st place team in the division on the road. If you look at the Ravens entire body of work so far this season though, it's not so good. Thru 4 games they've only outscored opponents by a grand total of 6 points. The reason is sloppiness on offense. The Ravens have turned it over nine times this year, and forced only 2. Joe Flacco's thrown more INTs than TDs. He's been horrible so far this year, and if the Ravens are going to come anywhere close to their potential he's got to be a lot better. The other thing that has to happen is that Ray Rice has to get healthy. The banged up version of Rice is averaging 1.5 yards less than the healthy one did last year. The next two weeks bring a couple of tough games, home against Denver this week, then at New England in Week 6.

3. CINCINNATI BENGALS (2-2)
WK 3 W at Carolina 20-7, WK 4 L at Cleveland 20-23
Offense Rank 10th, Defense Rank 6th

The team that wins the AFC North is not going to lose to the Browns. That is a prediction I feel pretty confident in. There's 3 good teams in this division that will beat up on each other all year, so in order to accumulate the requisite number of wins to win the division, those teams are going to have to beat the weak sister Browns when they appear on the schedule. The Bengals didn't do that, and it is a huge blow to their prospects for 2010. Terrell Owens did provide proof he is still very much a viable NFL player with a 222 yard outburst in that game, but it wasn't enough to get a win over the Pumpkinheads. The Bengals have surprised me by not completely tanking this year, I thought they would. They are 2-2, but rank in the top 10 in both offense and defense, so they are better than I thought they were. They should get well with a win at home over Tampa this week, but still, in this division, a loss to the Browns is a mortal sin. Last year the Bengals won the division because they didn't lose to anyone in the AFC North all year. That's already out the window in 2010.

4. CLEVELAND BROWNS (1-3)
WK 3 L at Baltimore 17-24, WK 4 W v. Cincinnati 23-20
Offense Rank 21st, Defense Rank 22nd

Good to see the Browns get rewarded with a win this week. They haven't been all that bad since they stumbled up on the Ivan Drago of running backs, Peyton Hillis. He of the forehead like a drive in movie theatre has been a godsend for the Browns, fantasy owners astute enough to pick him up off the waiver wire, and young aspiring white running backs everywhere. The Browns MO lately has been hand it to him on almost every play, and chew up clock to keep an awful pass defense (222 yards to TO) off the field. It's working so far, as they played the Ravens close on the road in Week 3 and beat the Bengals last week. We'll see how long he can hold up, he's already nursing an injury this week.

Week 4 Rubdown - AFC East

2010-10-05T07:24:00.001-07:00

1. NY JETS (3-1)
WK 3 W at Miami 31-23, WK 4 W at Buffalo 38-14
Offense Rank 13th, Defense Rank 13th

One thing you always know about the NFL, whatever you think about anything heading into the season will be totally wrong. The Jets were supposed to run roughshod to the Super Bowl on the back of their aggressive defense, which was supposed to make the 85 Bears Defense look like something you'd see in the nether regions of the WAC. The offense was supposed to be barely competent enough to avoid screwing the whole thing up. Now that we're one quatrain through the season, the Jets still look like a solid bet to make the Super Bowl, however the offense looks a lot better than expected, and the defense looks pretty ordinary. First the good, Mark Sanchez has surprised me by being one of the best QBs in the league so far this year. His passer rating is over 100, and ranks behind only Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, and Michael Vick. LaDanian Tomlinson is averaging a ridiculous 6.1 yards a carry, and Braylon Edwards and Dustin Keller have been dangerous targets for Sanchez. And Santonio Holmes comes back this week to not only bolster their offense but put them over their quota of miscreants at the WR position.

The defense has been OK, but only just OK. Honestly, when you look at the personnel, other than Revis Island, who has been marooned on Hamstring Island recently, there's nothing here that makes you go wow or justifies all the hype this defense has received. Sure, the scheme is crazy with lots of unnecessary blitzing on 3rd and long, but who excites you here? Shaun Ellis? Bart Scott? Jason Taylor and his old balls? A scheme is nice but a defense isn't great unless it has great players. Not sure the Jets have that. What I am sure of though, is they've won 3 division games in a row, and that's a good start.

2. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (3-1)
WK 3 W v. Buffalo 38-30, WK 4 W at Miami 41-14
Offense Rank 11th, Defense Rank 28th

I don't know how good the Patriots are, any team that gives up 30 points at home to the Ryan Fitzpatrick led Bills is under suspicion. I do know they are really exciting to watch though. The Patriots have been putting huge amounts of points up, with their Monday Night steamrolling of the Dolphins in Miami making the 3rd time in 4 games this year they have scored 38 points or more. In the big win over the Dolphins, they didn't even need any offense at all to win, they got 3 special teams and defensive touchdowns coming on a Brandon Tate kickoff return, a blocked field goal run back for a TD, and a Patrick Chung INT. New England's offense has expanded it's arsenal this year. While Randy Moss has been very quiet, and Wes Welker only slightly less so, players like Tate, Aaron Hernandez, Rob Gronkowski, Benjarvus Green-Ellis, and the 4 foot tall mogwai Danny Woodhead have made the Pats the most exciting team in the league so far. Again, that's something you wouldn't expect from the staid old team of the 00's, but that's why the NFL is the NFL.

3. MIAMI DOLPHINS (2-2)
WK 3 L v. NY Jets 23-31, WK 4 L v. New England 14-41
Offense Rank 13th, Defense Rank 6th

When you lose two in a row at home to the teams that you are fighting for divisional supremacy with, that's called being put in your place. I can sit here and analyze the Dolphins stats all day, and it's not going to change that in the last two weeks, they've proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that at this point on the space-time continuum, they are just not good enough to win this division, or finish second. There's nothing to pin this on other than the fact they make too many mistakes. In the 2 huge losses, the Dolphins turned it over 5 times, and the Jets and Patriots turned it over 0 times. There's no glaring weakness on this team other than just screwing up too much. You can't give up three touchdowns to another team without their offense even needing to be on the field, like the Dolphins did last night. Chad Henne, Ronnie/Ricky, Brandon Marshall and Davone Bess, a solid no-name defense, the Dolphins have all those things going for them. But yet, here we are with 2 home games they had to have both in the L column, and trips to Green Bay, Cincinnati, and Baltimore sandwiched around a home game against Pittsburgh coming up in the next 4 weeks. All of a sudden things look pretty scary here.

4. BUFFALO BILLS (0-4)
WK 3 L at New England 30-38, WK 4 L v. NY Jets 14-38
Offense Rank 32nd, Defense Rank 27th

Not a whole lot to talk about here as the Bills are every bit as awful as expected, but let's duly note the release of Senator Trent Edwards, confirming that the correct choice in the JP Losman/Edwards QB controversy was "none of the above". Let's also duly note that the Eagles and Packers are reportedly sniffing around Marshawn Lynch to address the gaping holes those teams have at running back due to injuries to LeSean McCoy and Ryan Grant. Let's also duly note that the Bills have given up over 200 yards rushing 2 weeks in a row now, and the Jets had 2 100 yard rushers against them last week.

Week 3 Rubdown - NFC West

2010-10-01T11:57:00.000-07:00

Leon's Getting Larrrrgerrr

1. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (2-1)
L at Denver 14-31, W v. San Diego 27-20
Offense Rank 30th, Defense Rank 26th

The accepted wisdom is that a 1-15 team will win the NFC West this year. Well, the Seahawks have already won two games, so that shows how stupid everybody is. Seattle's lack of defeats hasn't been for lack of trying. They rank close to last in both offense and defense. However, they have had the good fortune to have already played the smoldering train wreck that is Mike Singletary's 49ers, and gotten not one but two Leon Washington kick returns for touchdowns in a week 3 win over the Chargers, who are off to their customary miserable start. This team is every bit as miserably bad as was feared heading into the season, and probably then some, but this is a historically bad division they play in, and they've already got 2 wins, so who knows. They've got another winnable game this in St. Louis, so Clappin' Pete Carroll and the Hawks could be off to a 3-1 start.

Flashing the Sign of the Douchebag Gang

2. ARIZONA CARDINALS (2-1)
WK 2 L at Atlanta 7-41, WK 3 W v. Oakland 24-23
Offense Rank 25th, Defense Rank 26th

Like the Seahawks, the Cardinals have shown considerable pluck despite having a severe lack of talent. As the old saying goes (I think it's an old saying), 90% of success is due to showing up. The Cardinals decided to show up against Oakland last week, despite all indications that they should not that came out of a 41-7 lambasting in Atlanta the week before. They showed up and stayed close, and Sebastian Janikowski blew a chip shot field goal as time expired to give the Cardinals the win. You see, bad things can happen to bad people. The Cardinals are surviving by the grace of the Pittsburgh Steeler running game that Ken Whisenhunt is using this year. They rank 2nd in the league in yards per rushing attempt after being largely incompetent at running the ball for the last 60 years. The Cards travel to San Diego this week, where they hope to keep the Bolts in their early season funk.

3. ST. LOUIS RAMS (1-2)
WK 2 L at Oakland 14-16, WK 3 W v. Washington 30-16
Offense Rank 24th, Defense Rank 24th

I'm going to go out on a limb right now and predict that the Rams win this divison. Sam Bradford is probably already the best QB in the NFC West, and name me another division where the best QB in it isn't on the division winning team. See, you can't. Steven Jackson suffered his annual injury last week, but maybe that's not a bad thing, maybe the Rams are just better off going full on aerial circus mode and letting Bradford wing it around the field to his menagerie of unknown WR's with funny names. The Rams played probably the best game anyone in this divison has, or will play all year in a 30-16 win over the Redskins last week, despite the Redskins having the great Donovan McNabb. They have a big game at home against Seattle this week, a great chance to prove me right and get some others on the bandwagon.

4. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (0-3)
WK 2 L v. New Orleans 22-25, WK 3 L at Kansas City 10-31
Offense Rank 20th, Defense Rank 17th

Fantasy Flash

2010-09-30T12:03:00.000-07:00

Just a quick look at who the top 10 Fantasy Players were at each position in Week 3, and so far this year...this is by the scoring system in one of my leagues, may not match yours.

Week 3

QB
1. Michael Vick PHI v. JAX 38
2. Peyton Manning IND v. DEN 33
3. Drew Brees NO v. ATL 32
4. Chad Henne MIA v. NYJ 29
5. Tom Brady NE v. BUF 28
Mark Sanchez NYJ v. MIA 28
Joe Flacco BAL v. CLE 28
8. Aaron Rodgers GB v. CHI 27
Kyle Orton DEN v. IND 27
Matt Cassel KC v. SF 27

RB
1. Adrian Peterson MIN v. DET 33
2. Chris Johnson TEN v. NYG 26
3. Cedric Benson CIN v. CAR 26
4. Peyton Hillis CLE v. BAL 23
5. Rashard Mendenhall PIT v. TB 22
6. Michael Turner ATL v. NO 20
7. Darren McFadden OAK v. AZ 19
8. Ahmad Bradshaw NYG v. TEN 17
9. Frank Gore SF v. KC 16
10. Thomas Jones KC v. SF 15
Benjarvus Green-Ellis NE v. BUF 15

WR
1. Anquan Boldin BAL v. CLE 34
2. Austin Collie IND v. DEN 31
3. Lance Moore NO v. ATL 28
4. Roy Williams DAL v. HOU 25
5. Brandon Lloyd DEN v. IND 24
Brandon Marshall MIA v. NYJ 24
Mike Wallace PIT v. TB 24
8. DeSean Jackson PHI v. JAX 23
9. Jeremy Maclin PHI v. JAX 20
Santana Moss WSH v. STL 20

TE
1. Dustin Keller NYJ v. MIA 21
2. Tony Gonzalez ATL v. NO 19
3. Antonio Gates SD v. SEA 18
4. Jermichael Finley GB v. CHI 13
Jeremy Shockey NO v. ATL 13
6. Greg Olsen CHI v. GB 12
John Carlson SEA v. SD 12
Tony Scheffler DET v. MIN 12
9. Tony Moeaki KC v. SF 10
Zach Miller OAK v. AZ 10
Ben Watson CLE v. BAL 10
Rob Gronkowski NE v. BUF 10

K
1. Sebastian Janikowski OAK v. AZ 13
Dan Carpenter MIA v. NYJ 13
3. Josh Brown STL v. WSH 12
Rian Lindell BUF v. NE 12
5. David Buehler DAL v. HOU 11
Rob Bironas TEN v. NYG 11
7. Mike Nugent CIN v. CAR 10
Graham Gano WSH v. STL 10
9. Matt Bryant ATL v. NO 9
Olindo Mare SEA v. SD 9
Jeff Reed PIT v. TB 9

DST
1. Seahawks v. SD 26
2. Eagles v. JAX 16
3. Steelers v. TB 14
4. Titans v. NYG 11
Bengals v. CAR 11
6. Chiefs v. SF 10
Bears v. GB 10
Cowboys v. HOU 10
9. Chargers v. SEA 9
Bills v. NE 9

SEASON TO DATE AVG

QB
1. Peyton Manning IND 32.7
2. Michael Vick PHI 29.7
3. Philip Rivers SD 25.3
4. Tom Brady NE 25.0
5. Aaron Rodgers GB 24.7
6. Jay Cutler CHI 24.0
7. Kyle Orton DEN 23.3
8. Drew Brees NO 23.0
9. Matt Schaub HOU 20.0
10. Tony Romo DAL 19.3

RB
1. Arian Foster HOU 23.0
2. Adrian Peterson MIN 22.7
3. Jahvid Best DET 20.0
4. Chris Johnson TEN 19.3
5. Darren McFadden OAK 18.3
6. Frank Gore SF 17.7
7. LeSean McCoy PHI 16.7
8. Rashard Mendenhall PIT 16.3
9. Matt Forte CHI 16.0
10. Peyton Hillis CLE 15.3

WR
1. Austin Collie IND 21.0
2. Anquan Boldin BAL 16.7
3. DeSean Jackson PHI 15.7
4. Brandon Lloyd DEN 14.0
5. Miles Austin DAL 13.3
6. Hakeem Nicks NYG 13.0
7. Jeremy Maclin PHI 12.7
Roddy White ATL 12.7
9. Brandon Marshall MIA 12.3
Kevin Walter HOU 12.3

TE
1. Antonio Gates SD 16.0
2. Dustin Keller NYJ 13.7
3. Dallas Clark IND 10.7
4. Jermichael Finley GB 9.7
5. Chris Cooley WSH 8.3
6. Greg Olsen CHI 8.0
7. Tony Gonzalez ATL 7.7
Tony Moeaki KC 7.7
Aaron Hernandez NE 7.7
Marcedes Lewis JAX 7.7

K
1. Mike Nugent CIN 11.0
Neil Rackers HOU 11.0
3. Matt Bryant ATL 10.3
Jeff Reed PIT 10.3
5. Sebastian Janikowski OAK 10.0
6. Graham Gano WSH 9.3
Nick Folk NYJ 9.3
Mason Crosby GB 9.3
9. Robbie Gould CHI 8.0
10. Adam Vinatieri IND 7.7

DST
1. Steelers 14.7
2. Seahawks 14.3
3. Chiefs 10.3
4. Eagles 9.7
5. Lions 9.3
6. Titans 8.3
Packers 8.3
Colts 8.3
Patriots 8.3
Redskins 8.3

Week 3 Rubdown - NFC South

2010-09-30T08:36:00.000-07:00

1. ATLANTA FALCONS (2-1)
WK 2 W v. Arizona 41-7, WK W at New Orleans 27-24
Offense Rank 6th, Defense Rank 21st

The last two weeks saw two teams really step forward in the conversation of who is the best in the NFC. We talked about one of them yesterday, the Bears. The other is the Falcons. They performed an unadulterated beatdown on the Cardinals in Week 2, then pulled off a thrilling victory in Week 3 against the Super Bowl Champs, in their own house. Matt Ryan has shaken off the sophomore slump of 2009, and has put up a 94.3 passer rating, which is better than his rookie year. He's completing 5% more of his pass attempts this year than last year. The defense has given up yardage, but it also has been very opportunistic. The Falcons D has generated 7 turnovers, 6 of them interceptions, including 2 in the win over the Saints. This team is going to be tough to beat all season, and has a lot of weapons. Roddy White is a top 5 receiver, Michael Turner had a bounceback game in week 3, and Tony Gonzalez had probably his best game as a Falcon in that win. We all know a different team wins the NFC South every year, it very well could be the Falcon's turn in 2010.

Your Steroids Can't Help You Now, Roided Up Kicker

2. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (2-1)
WK 2 W at San Francisco 25-22, WK 3 L v. Atlanta 24-27
Offense Rank 14th, Defense Rank 22nd

It's a little scary how close the Saints are to an 0-3 start. Minnesota had them on the ropes in Week 1, but refused to deliver the Adrian Peterson knockout punch. They needed a last second field goal to beat a Niners team that is a complete mess, and of course, the loss this past weekend at home to the arch rival Falcons. True, they would be 3-0 had Garrett Hartley not missed a chip shot field goal in OT. But look at those offense/defense rankings. The offense has been nothing special, 14th in the league. Reggie Bush is out for the year, which whatever you want to think about Reggie Bush does impact the Saints adversely. Pierre Thomas is averaging a dismal 3.2 yards per carry, so the entire offense is resting on Drew Brees, and so far, it's been just so-so. The defense is getting gashed by opposing running backs. The Saints rank last in the league against the run, and Atlanta rushed for over 200 yards against them.

So that's the bad news. The good news is that the Saints have a cupcake run coming up with games against Carolina, Arizona, Tampa, and Cleveland. That should leave them at a 6-1 start, which is nothing to feel bad about. But I don't think this team is going back to the Super Bowl based on what I've seen so far.

If Only the Football Team Were As Good

3. TAMPA BAY BUCS (2-1)
WK 2 W at Carolina 20-7, WK L v. Pittsburgh 13-38
Offense Rank 27th, Defense Rank 19th

If you need further proof that at least 75% of a team's performance (most teams, not the Steelers) depends on their quarterback, look at the Bucs and the team below them in this division, the Panthers. The Bucs have 2 wins pretty much only because Josh Freeman has been adequate at quarterback, while the teams they beat, Cleveland and Carolina, are a complete disaster at that position. The Bucs are good enough to hang with and beat teams that are in the bell jar like they did the first two weeks, but we saw just how far they have to go when Pittsburgh blew their doors off in Week 3, with the Bucs defense making Charlie Batch look like an All Pro. Tampa's spent 3 of their 4 first and second round picks the last 2 years on defensive tackles, and yet they are 28th in the league in run defense. That's a bad sign. Freeman, however, looks like he could be the answer long term at QB, and he's got some interesting receivers around him, so that's a start.

Now It's Time for my Douchebag Dance!

4. CAROLINA PANTHERS (0-3)
WK 2 L v. Tampa Bay 7-20, WK 3 L v. Cincinnati 7-20
Offense Rank 31st, Defense Rank 14th

Not a whole lot of analysis needed here. The Panthers put up a grand total of 14 points in back to back home games against a couple of teams that are OK at best. Matt Moore was benched after a horrible first two weeks and rookie Jimmy Claussen hasn't been any better. Because of this, the "Double Trouble" running game has been no trouble for anybody, running into brick walls regularly.

Expanding to 18 games is the best idea ever

2010-09-29T16:41:00.000-07:00

I must be the only guy in the world that would rather be shot in the face than see another 16 game season. All those bitches that want to feel the bukake of laziness because they don't want to man up and play two more fucking games because they don't want to walk off a broken leg. People who cry about seasons moving from 16 games to 18 games usually have these pussy gripes:

1) Waaaah my cock is stuck between my legs to look like a vagina because I might get hurt in 15 games and a bye week.

2) LOLLERCOSTER PATRICK HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO PLAY FANTASY FOOTBALL IF THERE ARE TWO MORE GAMES SOMEONE IS GOING TO GET HURT

3) Their penis is too small to enjoy 18 games

There's nothing worse than fantasy football guy crying about anything. Waaah my players will get hurt and I actually have to research Vegas odds combined with trends and offensive and defensive statistics and take a chance on an unproven player (also known as "play fantasy football like a man"). Look you pansy, fantasy football ends three weeks early anyway because all the good teams rest their starters. What's two more games to research you fucking idiot?

And there's nothing more titty slapping than a football player cry about too many games. Your sport has the least amount of games compared to every other sport. Your sport is like high school amount of games and you get paid millions for it. If you get hurt, that just means a vacation during the season for you. Stop crying and play two more games instead of making me watch four preseason games. By the way, my cock is big.

Week 3 Rubdown - NFC North

2010-09-29T08:12:00.000-07:00

Behold the Sword of Urlacher

1. CHICAGO BEARS (3-0)
WK 2 W at Dallas W 27-20, WK 3 W v. Green Bay 20-17
Offense Rank 11th, Defense Rank 15th

Thru 3 weeks, the last team standing in the NFC is not the Saints, not the Packers, not the Vikings, not the Cowboys, not the 49ers, not any of those preseason darlings. It's the Bears. They've earned it too. It's not like they've beat up on the dregs of the NFL here, they have wins against the Packers and Cowboys, two teams pretty much everyone had in the playoffs heading into the season. Is it real? Well, for starters, throw out everything you think you know about the Bears from last season. The reason is, Brian Urlacher is healthy. There is a very simple formula when it comes to the Bears, Brian Urlacher Healthy=Bears Good, Brian Urlacher Hurt=Bears Bad. There is little or no variation here. As long as Urlacher remains healthy, the Bears have the best pair of linebackers in the league in him and Lance Briggs. Without him, they are lost, like they were last year.

Offensively, Jay Cutler has been good so far. He could have had 5 INTs in the Monday Night win over the Packers, had some balls been held on to or plays not negated by penalties, but he didn't so we'll give him a pass for now. The Martz Offense is working, and all of a sudden the Bears are pretty strong on both sides of the ball. Not only that, but their next game against a team who currently has a winning record is Week 11 at Miami. Things could not be looking any better for the Bears right now.

What? 15 Yards For Illegal Grass In the Face? You're Kidding Me.

2. GREEN BAY PACKERS (2-1)
WK 2 W v. Buffalo 34-7, WK 3 L at Chicago 17-20
Offense Rank 12th, Defense Rank 2nd

If the Packers didn't get flagged 18 times for 152 yards worth of penalties (and it could have been more, I'm sure the Bears had some declines), and allow a punt return for a touchdown, and drop a couple of should have been interceptions, they'd be 3-0 right now, and have the inside track on an NFC North title. But all those things happened, and they're not 3-0, and they're in second place. That still can change very soon though. The Packers are a very good team. Clay Matthews is a demon, he already has 6 sacks, and the Packers rank 2nd in the league in defense (excluding penalty yards, a big exclusion given Monday Night's performance). The offense has been humming behind Aaron Rodgers and his merry band of receivers, no running game required, but turned it over at the worst possible time late in the Bears game, leading to the winning field goal (another PI penalty and a dropped INT helped too after the James Jones fumble).

The Packers have Super Bowl talent on both sides of the ball. It's possible they have the best offense in the league and the best defense. However, as the loss to the Bears showed, there are things that Super Bowl teams don't do, like racking up 150 yards of penalties, turning it over late in the game, and not capitalizing on mistakes by the other team. That's what separates a great team from the Packers right now.

One Man Gang

3. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (1-2)
WK 2 L v. Miami 10-14, WK 3 W v. Detroit 24-10
Offense Rank 16th, Defense Rank 5th

Hmmm, it is a bye week for the Vikings this week. Think they will have to send Jared Allen and helicopter down to Hattiesburg to get Brett Favre to come back after it? It's possible. Things are not looking good for the Vikings. So far it's looking like the Brett Favre as Vikings QB thing is like a bowl of guacamole, absolutely sublimely transcendent at first, but brown and disgusting after too much time passes. Favre's passer rating so far this season is 60.4, which rates him one notch below Jason Campbell, who has been benched, and one notch above Trent Edwards, who has been released. There may be some hope for the Vikings though if they decide to go back to the pre-Favre offense and lean exclusively on Adrian Peterson. AD is averaging 5.6 yards per carry so far, which is his best since his 2007 rookie season. You can bet there will be some re-tooling of the offense going on during the bye week, and Peterson should rest up, because he'll be carrying a heavy, heavy load the rest of the way.

Same Ol' Lions

4. DETROIT LIONS (0-3)
WK 2 L v. Philadelphia 32-35, WK 3 L at Minnesota 10-24
Offense Rank 22nd, Defense Rank 30th

I know that we have to measure the progress the Lions make with the same instruments they use to measure the movements of glaciers, but can you really say they are making progress? The defense should be better. They have a totally rebuilt front line that includes 3 time Pro Bowler Kyle Vandenbosch, and rookie monster Donkey Kong Suh (for the record they've combined for 3 1/2 sacks in 3 games, not horrible). But the defense isn't better, it's 30th in the league, and it should be receiving a fruit basket from Michael Vick for resurrecting his career in Week 2. I guess it should be improving as the season continues, maybe? Do we really believe that? I don't know. The offense has held up surprisingly well while Matt Stafford's shoulder heals in preparation for his next shoulder injury. Jahvid Best had an insane Week 2, and a sedate Week 3. His real level of production probably lies somewhere in between. An interesting matchup will be Week 5, when a presumably 0-4 Lions team (they are at Lambeau this week) takes on a Rams team that has started from the same post-apocalyptic starting point as the Lions, but seem to be making more progress.

Week 3 Rubdown - NFC East

2010-09-28T08:43:00.000-07:00

Top Dog

1. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (2-1)
WK 2 W at Detroit 35-32, WK 3 W at Jacksonville 28-3
Offense Rank 9th, Defense Rank 11th

This Michael Vick thing is a very sticky wicket. There are many, many sides to this argument. Here's one. I don't think Michael Vick coming back to the NFL, and not only getting back to his former level of play but far surpassing it, does a whole lot for young people's fear of committing crimes and being sent to jail. Maybe there's one kid out there who is a talented athlete, and 2 years ago was saying, "Shit I better stop hanging out with these thugs because I might end up like Michael Vick." Well, that same kid is now saying, "Shit I don't need to stop hanging out with these thugs, even if I go to jail I can end up like Michael Vick." You see what I mean? I'm concerned more about humans than dogs here, as I should be, and I think this could be setting a bad example for some of them. Anyway, back to the Eagles, Vick has been a revelation so far, against two horrible teams in Detroit and Jacksonville, posting a triple digit passer rating (unexpected), and being a rushing threat (expected). DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin are tearing it up and LeSean McCoy has even given them a respectable running game, something they lacked last year. Next week is the big Donovan McNabb homecoming, so expect the eyes of the NFL to be on that in Week 4.

Me So Longhorny

2. DALLAS COWBOYS (1-2)
WK 2 L v. Chicago 20-27, WK 3 W at Houston 27-13
Offense Rank 5th, Defense Rank 8th

I've got to hand it to the Cowboys. They came out in a game where I'm surprised Wade Phillips wasn't on the sidelines with a blindfold and a cigarette, and dominated a team that some think is the best in the AFC, on the road, to save their season. Even more surprising, was their biggest offensive weapon was the redoubtable Roy Williams, who usually is best known for wearing an ascot on the field, hearing footsteps, and collecting a huge paycheck. Ol' Roy had 117 yards and 2 TDs, while the defense was able to hold Andre Johnson to just 64 yards on 4 catches, which was the most yards any Houston receiver had in that game. There's no reason for the Cowboys to panic. The offense and defense are both holding their own, even if Jason Garrett apparently will never figure out how to properly use Marion Barber and Felix Jones. DeMarcus Ware continues to terrorize with 4 sacks in 3 games, and Miles Austin already has two 10 reception 140+ yard games. The Cowboys are good. The NFC East is bad. Be patient, they'll be fine.

3. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (1-2)
WK 2 L v. Houston 27-30, WK 3 L at St. Louis 16-30
Offense Rank 13th, Defense Rank 32nd

Nobody is more game for a round of Donovan McNabb bashing than me, but it wouldn't be fair to do that at this point. He's been OK. Adequate, completing 60.8% of his passes, (about 1 point better than his career average), and only throwing 1 INT against 2 TDs. Yes, it's looking like the Eagles lucked into making the right decision so far, because Michael Vick has been so superb, but McNabb hasn't been bad. Check out that defense though, it's ranked last in the league in yardage against. The Skins gave up 497 passing yards to Matt Schaub in blowing a 20-7 lead at home against Houston in Week 2, then got 30 points hung on them last week by the Rams, who had not scored 30 or more since Week 6 of the 2008 season. Things aren't going to get any easier for them in Week 4, when they take on a scalding hot Philly offense on the road. Chances are, after such a promising opening week, that we've got yet another failed Dan Snyder gambit, and the Redskins will begin the season in a 1-3 hole that's not easy to climb out of, no matter how yellow their pants are.

If You Keep Throwing INTs I Will Lovingly Stroke Your Hair

4. NY GIANTS (1-2)
WK 2 L at Indianapolis 14-38, WK 3 L v. Tennessee 10-29
Offense Rank 8th, Defense Rank 10th

Statistically, the Giants don't look all that bad. They rank in the top 10 in both offense and defensive yardage, so why are they 1-2 coming off a pair of double digit losses? The answer lies in Eli Manning and the bad case of Interceptionitis that Jay Cutler seems to have gotten over and passed on to him. Eli's thrown 6 picks in 2 games, many of them the drive-killing variety deep in opponent's territory. He's getting picked off at almost double his career rate in terms of INT/Attempt. He's not the only one serving up the turnovers, as in all the Giants have turned it over 10 times in three weeks. The good news is, that's something that you can fix thru more conservative game planning, or just better luck. The bad news is, they better fix it fast, because their next two games are against the 3-0 Bears, and a really good Texans team, so they could be staring down the barrel of 1-4 without having even faced the Cowboys or Eagles yet.

Week 2 Rubdown - AFC West

2010-09-24T11:13:00.000-07:00

Chiefs Not So Achy Breaky Anymore

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS 2-0
WK 1 W v. San Diego 21-14; WK 2 W at Cleveland 16-14
Offense Rank 30th, Defense Rank 24th

Might want to do a screen capture of this Rubdown, because I'm pretty sure this is the last one you'll see that has the Chiefs in 1st place. Yes, they are 2-0, but a truer picture of this team's abilities lies in those offensive and defensive ranks, which are both in the bottom 3rd of the league. Matt Cassel is proving to be the second coming of Scott Mitchell, meaning he parlayed a few good games as a backup (Mitchell in Miami behind Marino, Cassel in Foxboro behind Brady), into a huge contract with a team foolish enough to give him one, then showing why he's a backup. The saving grace has been a strong running game driven by two quality backs. Thomas Jones has gotten around 60% of the carries, mainly serving the function of keeping Jamaal Charles fresh which has helped him to average over 6 yards per carry. I'm thoroughly unimpressed by the Chiefs, but the Week 1 win on national TV in a driving rainstorm over the Chargers was a nice day for the franchise. The pain is in the mail though.

A WACk First Couple of Weeks for Mathews

2. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS 1-1
WK 1 L at Kansas City 14-21, WK 2 W v. Jacksonville 38-13
Offense Rank 3rd, Defense Rank 8th

Given that it's well established that the Chargers don't get things going usually until after Halloween, I would think they have to be at least kind of pleased with their start. The potential for disaster was certainly there. They opened with an ugly, ugly loss in the rain at Kansas City. Philip Rivers was lobbing water balloons all over the place and the team looked like they had never touched a wet football before, which maybe they haven't. On top of that there's the Vincent Jackson and Marcus McNeill contract impasses, and the great, future Hall of Fame running back Ryan Mathews not living up to expectations so far. All those things together would have made it very easy for them to go into early season shock, but they pulled it together and blew out the Jaguars in their home opener, behind a great game from Rivers and some bruising running by fullback Mike Tolbert. The Chargers still look like the best team in this bad division.

3. DENVER BRONCOS 1-1
WK 1 L at Jacksonville 17-24, WK 2 W v. Seattle 31-14
Offense Rank 7th, Defense Rank 19th

The Broncos have played pretty well so far. Kyle Orton has posted a stellar 103.9 passer rating, and rookie WR Demariyus Thomas had a huge game in his debut last week. RB Knowshon Moreno will be out this week against the Colts, and if newly acquired Laurence Maroney can perform well in his absence, Moreno might be spending a lot of time on the bench even after he comes back.

And while I don't want to be ghoulish, it has to be mentioned. I'm sure you all know by now, Broncos player Kenny McKinley died of an apparent suicide early this week. Unfortunately in the NFL it's really not all that unheard of for players to die. The Bears just had Gaines Adams die in a car accident last winter, you'll remember Sean Taylor was murdered during the season a couple of years ago, and the Broncos have now had 3 players die in a relatively short amount of time. It sucks and I can't think of another sport that has this happen so much, it's only slightly less worse than pro wrestling at this point. Rule #1, no NFL team should allow its players to own a gun. Too many bad things have happened and these often violent young men can't be trusted with them. Start there, it's a start.

Turn Around, Home Plate is That-A-Way

4. OAKLAND RAIDERS 1-1
WK 1 L at Tennessee 13-38, WK 2 W v. St. Louis 16-14
Offense Rank 9th, Defense Rank 9th

It would be easy to look at the Raiders getting blown out at Tennessee in their opener, barely beating the perennially awful Rams in week 2, and already pushing the abort button on their new QB Jason Campbell, and conclude that the Raiders still suck. Well, maybe they do, but one thing that surprised me is that they are in the top 10 in both offense and defense. I know it's only through 2 weeks, and playing the Rams doesn't hurt that, but I think that should give the Raiders a little reason for hope. Darren McFadden has finally turned it on, and in 2 games has averaged 5 yards a carry, is on pace for 1900+ yards, and generally not looked anything like the Reggie Bush/Felix Jones-esque bust he has been up until this point. So the Raiders finally have one real offensive weapon, and that's something. Bruce Gradkowski may not be a good quarterback, but it can't be ignored that the Raiders do seem to show some life when he is in the game. Don't get me wrong, the Raiders are still bad, but they've improved, a little.

Week 2 Rubdown - AFC South

2010-09-23T09:37:00.000-07:00

Yee Hah!

1. HOUSTON TEXANS 2-0
WK 1 W v. Indianapolis 34-24, WK 2 W at Washington 30-27
Offense Rank 1st, Defense Rank 31st

It's been a very successful two weeks for the darlings of the Fantasy Football Era. The Texans are an interesting test case of a team that all the Fantasy guys, which is pretty much anyone who is a football fan these days, already knows about, because their strength is their offensive skill position players. The catch is that anything that's not an offensive skill position hasn't really been up to snuff, as evidenced by their 31st ranked defense. Both the Colts and Redskins torched them for 400+ passing yards, and it's hard to really take them seriously as a Super Bowl contender until they fix that. One thing they have fixed is their running game. Arian Foster has been a revelation, averaging over 5 yards per carry. A good running game can eat time off the clock and make a shaky defense better, as can getting Brian Cushing back from suspension soon. I'm not saying the Texans aren't a very good team, because they are, but they've got get better on defense or else it will be a quick exit from their first postseason tournament.

Big Brother Is Watching You

2. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS 1-1
WK 1 L at Houston 24-34, WK W v. NY Giants 38-14
Offense Rank 2nd, Defense Rank 14th

After the Colts did the unthinkable and lost to the Houston Texans in Week 1, there predictably was lots of "Is this the end of the Colts dynasty dur dee dur dee dur", then, just as predictably, the next week they went out and blew the doors off of what should be a pretty decent Giants team, emphatically answering the question of whether this is the end of the Colts dynasty. This Colts team is no different than any of the Colts teams we've seen since Jim Mora left after bleating "PLAYOFFS!!?!?!". They still have a spectacular passing offense, two top shelf pass rushers coming off each end, and an Achilles heel of a bad run defense (257 rushing yards surrendered against Houston) made worse by the fact Bob Sanders is hurt (like always). This is the same Colts team we all know, and will probably be until Peyton Manning retires. Now, is that still good enough to win a division where it looks like the Houston Texans have made a leap forward? We'll see.

At Least I'm Not Matt Leinart, or Reggie Bush..

3. TENNESSEE TITANS 1-1
WK 1 W v. Oakland 38-13, WK 2 L v. Pittsburgh 11-19
Offense Rank 22nd, Defense Rank 1st

Conversely to the Colts, you have the Titans. The Colts have ruled this division for centuries, in large part because they have achieved a level of consistency unlike any other in the league. The Titans, on the other hand, in Week 1 they blow out a Raiders team that supposedly is better this year than usual, then the next week they lose at home to a Steeler team playing a shopping cart at quarterback, and bench Vince Young in the process. Now we're back to annual benching and unbenching of Vince Young that usually ends in him either attempting suicide or leading the Titans on a nine game winning streak.

Maybe two years ago benching Vince was a viable option, but it isn't anymore. Kerry Collins is not going to be the Titans QB the next time they reach the Super Bowl, so unless Jeff Fisher thinks this is for Vince's own good to have him ride the bench, I don't see the point in doing this anymore. They've either got to resign themselves with taking the good with the bad with Vince Young (much like the Eagles did for a looong time with Donovan McNabb), or cut bait with him Matt Leinart style and move on. This jerking him in and out of the lineup has to stop.

Here Comes an Interception!

4. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
WK 1 W v. Denver 24-17, WK 2 L at San Diego 13-38
Offense Rank 14th, Defense Rank 29th

In an opening day win against a respectable Broncos team, Dave Garrard threw 3 TDs and no picks, then last week in a blowout loss to the Chargers, he threw 1 TD and 4 picks. So it would appear that there is some sort of correlation between the Jaguars chances of winning and their quarterback's not throwing interceptions all over the place. On the other hand, Maurice Jones Drew looks like he's running with his eyes closed again, as he sometimes done. He's averaging under 4 yards a carry an hasn't scored a TD yet, and I know nobody measures this but he has to be approaching an NFL record for carries of 2 yards or less in a career. I dunno, the Jaguars are just this funny little team with two toned helmets the color my old 1995 Dodge Avenger, who play in front of Major League Soccer sized crowds on the dark side of the moon, and have 1 player anyone cares about. They are as close to invisible as any NFL team has been in a long time.

Week 2 Rubdown - AFC North

2010-09-22T07:07:00.000-07:00

What's Happenin Hot Stuff?

1. PITTSBURGH STEELERS 2-0
WK 1 W v. Atlanta 15-9, WK 2 W at Tennessee 19-11
Offense Rank 31st, Defense Rank 6th

One of the things I've been hearing a lot about these first two weeks is that there's no clear cut best team in the league. Maybe so, but I know who the best story is, and that's the Steelers. They are 2-0, with wins over two teams that probably will be playoff contenders, and they've done this basically without a quarterback. They passed for 29 yards in the win over the Titans. 29. They are now down to thawing out Charlie Batch and plugging him in, and bringing back Byron Leftwich, who is so horrible they cut him for Dennis Dixon, who is only slightly less horrible. I guess the question is then, how good will this team be when that handsome devil in the picture above comes back? The possibilities are mind boggling. You can tell because it looks like Ben is thinking about them in that photo. Look how mind boggled he is.

2. CINCINNATI BENGALS 1-1
WK 1 L at New England 24-38, WK 2 W v. Baltimore 15-10
Offense Rank 10th, Defense Rank 18th

I have to hand it to the Bengals, they surprised the shit out of me in Week 2. They opened the season exactly the way I expected them to, failing on a colossal scale and getting pounded by New England in a game that wasn't as close as the score indicated. Then last week they go and maintain their spooky dominance over their own division by beating a Ravens team that a large percentage of the NFL cognoscenti have as the AFC's Super Bowl representative this year. I'm still not sold on them though. That win over the Ravens was more a function of how epically bad Joe Flacco played, then how good their defense is, and I say that because Tom Brady made them look silly in Week 1, and you don't get that much better overnight. Carson Palmer's switch still looks like it's set to "Meh", and Cedric Benson is plodding along at 3.2 yards per carry. Without question a great Week 2 win for the Bengals, but I'm still not convinced.

YARRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH!!

3. BALTIMORE RAVENS 1-1
WK 1 W at NY Jets 10-9, WK 2 L at Cincinnati 10-15
Offense Rank 25th, Defense Rank 2nd

Just like the Steelers are playing without a QB, so are the Ravens. The only difference is Joe Flacco is supposed to be good. So far he's been anything but. Flacco was picked off 4 times by a Bengals defense the Patriots laid waste to a week earlier, and on the season he's completed just 48% of his pass attempts, and posted a passer rating of 41.2, last among starting QBs. I think it's safe to say he's better than that, but we'll see, maybe he isn't. Ray Rice is another guy who was supposed to be setting the world on fire this season and isn't, he's averaging under 4 yards a carry and hasn't done much as a receiver out of the backfield either. What hasn't disappointed is the defense, they are still elite. Basically so far this has been the same Ravens team we've all known for the past 10 years, great on defense, endlessly questionable on offense. That won't be good enough to get where they want to go, but there's still plenty of time for the talent they have on offense to perform up to expectations.

I Wonder If On His Resume He Identifies Himself as "Mangenius"?

4. CLEVELAND BROWNS 0-2
WK 1 L at Tampa Bay 14-17, WK 2 L v. Kansas City 14-16
Offense Rank 17th, Defense Rank 13th

Having talented offensive players underperform is not a problem for the Browns, because they don't have any talented offensive players. You just know that they looked at the schedule heading into the year and thought, "Hmm, Tampa Bay and Kansas City, we could very easily be 2-0". Well, they're 0-2, and things aren't going to get any easier. Really though, nothing that happens with Browns this season matters anyway. Anything Mike Holmgren has ever done has always started with a young quarterback. In Green Bay it was Brett Favre, in Seattle it was Matt Hasselbeck. In Cleveland, that guy probably isn't on the roster right now. Maybe it's Colt McCoy, but I'm thinking probably not. In the long term, nothing the Browns do will matter until they see whether McCoy can play in the NFL or not, and I'm thinking we'll see him sooner rather than later.

Week 2 Rubdown- AFC East

2010-09-21T07:25:00.000-07:00

In case you haven't caught on yet, the way I plan to work things for most of the season is to cover the NFC one week and the AFC the next. I think this does 2 things, one, it gives a 2 week perspective rather than the overheated game to game overreaction every other outlet gives you, and secondly, well, it's just easier for me that way.

So without further Apu, here's the AFC East Week 2 Rubdown!

I Wear My Sunglasses Indoors

1. MIAMI DOLPHINS 2-0
WK 1 W at Buffalo 15-10, WK 2 W at Minnesota 14-10
Offense Yards Rank 27th; Defense Yards Rank 5th

All of the AFC East drama swirls around the Jets (Hard Knocks, daily Rex Ryan bloviating on ESPN), and Patriots (last week's cover of SI), but thru two weeks the best team in the AFC East is the Miami Dolphins. True, they beat a Buffalo team that might not win a game this year, and a Minnesota team who has been offensively inept so far, but still, two road wins and they both count. They've done it with defense, particularly pass defense, in which they rank 4th in the league in Y/A. That could be a function of playing the Bills and Vikings, but so far so good. The offense has been just good enough to win. Chad Henne's taking care of the ball, with no INTs so far, and Ronnie Brown is averaging 5.6 yards per carry. We'll find out a lot about this team when they play their home opener against the Jets next week, in what should be a case of immovable object meeting immovable object.

We Won! This Calls For a Drink!

2. NY JETS 1-1
WK 1 L v. Baltimore 9-10, WK 2 W v. New England 28-14
Offense Yards Rank 29th; Defense Yards Rank 11th

The Jets are a great case for covering teams every other week, like I'm doing, rather than every week. After the Week 1 loss the Jets were the worst team in the world and the J-E-T-S fireman was ready to set himself on fire. A week later they beat the Patriots, who everyone was throwing hosannas at after week one, by 2 touchdowns and now the Jets are going to win the Super Bowl again. There is not enough lithium in the world to calibrate the emotions of NFL followers.

In reality, this team is severely challenged on offense. Mark Sanchez was fantastic against New England, terrible against the Ravens. He's a second year QB, and giving him the benefit of the doubt that he's actually good, which I'm still not convinced of, at the very least he's going to be inconsistent. Shonn Greene has been ineffective at 3.5 yards per carry, and LaDanian Tomlinson looks rejuvenated so far but you have to wonder how long that will last. The defense looks good, not once in a generation good like they were being hyped as, but still very strong. So, to me, in essence what the Jets look like is a lot what they looked like last year, which was a 9-7 team. That's not a Super Bowl team.

3. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS 1-1
WK 1 W v. Cincinnati 38-24, WK 2 L at NY Jets 14-28
Offense Yards Rank 13th; Defense Yards Rank 26th

Until they prove otherwise, my opinion of the Pats remains set by their preseason game against the Rams, in which they gave up 36 points, to the Rams. They've done nothing so far to change my view that this team has no defense. Carson Palmer and TOchocinco roll up a bunch of yards against you when you're playing prevent with a huge lead, that's one thing, Mark Sanchez torches you for 3 TDs, that's a very different thing. I think you can hold out some hope that they'll get things fixed and turn in another 10 win season, because defenses can be a lot easier to fix than offenses, but at this point the Patriots look like nothing more than a fringe playoff team.

No, You Can't Hand It Off to the Defensive Lineman

4. BUFFALO BILLS (0-2)
WK 1 L v. Miami 10-15, WK 2 L at Green Bay 7-34
Offense Yards Rank 32nd; Defense Yards Rank 20th

After a spunky week 1 in which they took the Dolphins down to the wire, the Bills looked a lot more like we all expected in a Week 2 slaughter at Lambeau. They've already hit the eject button on Senator Trent Edwards and are back to Ryan Fitzpatrick at QB for Week 3. CJ Spiller, who was really the only hope for anything worth watching on this team, is averaging 1.1 yards on 8 carries. Will they go 0-16? They have home games against Cleveland and Detroit, so it's unlikely, but I'm not ruling it out.

Week 1 Rubdown- NFC West

2010-09-16T07:20:00.001-07:00

1. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (1-0)
W v. San Francisco 31-6
I said last week that Seattle was a mystery team this year, and that mystery got a little more interesting with their completely unexpected pummeling of the preseason darling Niners in Week 1. The Hawks have the best QB in this division, with the "if he can stay healthy" caveat, which is a big if. The defense, which has a couple of studs in Lofa Tatupu and Aaron Curry looked way better than expected too. Keep an eye on them.

2. ARIZONA CARDINALS (1-0)
W at St. Louis 17-13
The first test of the Cards' new incarnation as a running team went pretty well. Yes, it was against the Rams, but 5.3 yards per carry is impressive, and that was without Beanie Wells. Derek Anderson looked just fine as a caretaker QB, throwing for 297 yards, 2 TDs, and 1 INT, and Steve Breaston's 132 yards shows he is ready to step in for Anquan Boldin as the #2 receiver.

3. ST. LOUIS RAMS (0-1)
L v. Arizona 13-17
I know Steve Spagnuolo is a defensive guy, not an offensive mastermind. But is it really the best thing to do to have a guy playing in his first NFL game throw 55 passes, when it's a close game and you have the supposedly great Steven Jackson healthy for one of the 5 or 6 games you'll have him this year (because he's another guy who's always hurt)? I'll tell him the same thing I told Brad Childress, you're still allowed to run the ball in this league.

4. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (0-1)
L at Seattle 6-31
I think the picture says it all.

Or, for a more current example,

Week 1 Rubdown- NFC South

2010-09-15T12:44:00.000-07:00

1. TAMPA BAY BUCS (1-0)
W v. Cleveland 17-14
Sure it was against the Browns, but a win is a win for a young team that didn't get a lot of them last year and won't get a lot of them this year either. Amazing what staying close and waiting for Jake Delhomme to self destruct can do for you. There's really only one thing that matters in watching this year's Bucs, and that's how much Josh Freeman develops. One game in, not too bad. He completed 60% of his passes and threw 2 TDs against only 1 INT.

2. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (1-0)
W v. Minnesota 14-9
Covered this last week, but this one goes straight in Sean Payton's win column. He outcoached Brad Childress.

3. ATLANTA FALCONS (0-1)
L at Pittsburgh 9-15
The Steelers have made a LOT of running backs look bad over the years, so it's not time to panic on Michael Turner just yet. But, he was in and out of the lineup all year last year, and you have to be concerned how he comes back from his first big professional injury, and 1 game in it's not looking so good. Matt Ryan kind of the same thing, he took a step back last year, his Y/A down by almost 20%. Didn't look a whole lot better in Week 1.

4. CAROLINA PANTHERS (0-1)
L at NY Giants 18-31
Matt Moore made Jake Delhomme look like, I don't know, a better quarterback than Matt Moore. How do you force 4 turnovers and still lose? That's easy, turn it over 5 times yourself. Matt Moore just would not stop sucking and yet John Fox refused to try and run the ball to take some heat off of him. Not a very good game for a coach who is in danger of getting launched.

Week 1 Rubdown- NFC North

2010-09-15T07:22:00.001-07:00

NFC NORTH

1. GREEN BAY PACKERS (1-0)
W at Philadelphia 27-20
Dominated the Eagles until they went into prevent mode up 20-3 midway thru the 3rd quarter. Aaron Rodgers not as sharp as you'd like him to be, but the Eagles have a pretty good defense so I'll give him a pass. 7 tackles, 2 sacks, and a forced fumble for Clay Matthews. With Rodgers at quarterback, and Matthews anchoring the defense, I think you can pretty much pencil in the Packers being good for the next 10 years. Ryan Grant is out for the season, although I saw him running to the locker room on one leg and I don't see why he can't just saw the broken one off and play with the one.

2. CHICAGO BEARS (1-0)
W v. Detroit 19-14
By now you've all seen the ridiculous enforcement of a ridiculous rule that kept the Bears from losing their season opener at home to team that was on a 2-30 run coming in. It doesn't feel like a very convincing win, but statistically the Bears dominated. Julius Peppers has already made a huge impact in one game, if for no other reason than he made the Lions bring in Shaun Hill. Matt Forte's pass catching prowess will fit in very nicely in Martz' offense, and the defense looks a lot better with Urlacher healthy. We'll get a much better read on this team this week when they go to Dallas.

3. DETROIT LIONS (0-1)
L at Chicago 14-19
Matt Stafford won't be having surgery, which is a good thing because he'd probably leap onto the operating table throwing shoulder first. Staying healthy is a skill, and maybe that crazy old man Lou Holtz knows what he's talking about a little when he says a QB needs to learn how to fall. The Lions looked like a 4 win team last week instead of a 0 or 2 win team, which I guess is improvement. Donkey Kong Suh and Kyle Vandenbosch give the Lions a bona fide D line, but I was non plussed by Jahvid Best and Calvin Johnson was virtually invisible against a questionable Bears secondary up until that last drive. And this team isn't beating anybody with Shaun Hill at QB.

4. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (0-1)
L at New Orleans 9-14
Already posted on this earlier this week. In a nutshell, not sure what Chili was thinking refusing to run the ball in the second half. I blame the loss almost entirely on this weird decision.

I'm naked and you're a hot chick with a mic in front of me, what you want me to do?

2010-09-14T20:46:00.000-07:00

There are times when genders should be locked out of certain things. A dude should not be able to try out for a women's team. A woman shouldn't be put on an NFL team. Yet women fought all hard to be in a men's locker room for access where they're all changing. If a guy reporter fought to go into a women's locker room, he'd be called a pervert (and awesome).

Ines Sainz, a reporter for TV Azteca, felt she was uncomfortable and hinted at sexual harassment while in locker rooms. Look at the above picture. That's how she's dressed when she interviews dudes on roids in a locker room. w0rd? So dudes are supposed to not do shit while she's like that in the locker room? Look, I know when a girl is naked and walking the streets, she does not deserve to get raped. She's not begging to get raped. I am not condoning that by any means. But, she *IS* naked and walking in the street. Feel?

Then Clinton Portis says this gem about the subject:

"I think you put women reporters in the locker room in position to see guys walking around naked, and you sit in the locker room with 53 guys, and all of the sudden you see a nice woman in the locker room. I think men are going to tend to turn and look and want to say something to that woman," Portis said in his weekly appearance on 106.7 The Fan.

"You know, somebody got to spark her interest, or she's going to want somebody. I don't know what kind of woman won't, if you get to go and look at 53 men's [bodies]," Portis said. "I know you're doing a job, but at the same time, the same way I'm going to cut my eye if I see somebody worth talking to, I'm sure they do the same thing."

You know, I don't like the guy, but he's 100% right. 100%. Not 95%. Not 99.9%. He's 100% right. NFL didn't like his honesty and said his comments were inappropriate, offensive, and had no place in the NFL, but she's hot and in a dude locker room. I want to be like her and go into a girl's water polo locker room and interview after a game. I swear I won't get a boner. (_(_)=====D <--- Don't mind this. It's my other mic I want you to speak into.

Want the harassment to stop but be equal to men and women? Let the athletes dress and wait for them outside you fucking perverts.

Week 1 Rundown- NFC East

2010-09-14T08:11:00.000-07:00

1. NY GIANTS (1-0)
WON V. CAROLINA 31-18
The job of best team in the NFC looks vacant to me (people picking the 49ers to go the Super Bowl? Arre you serrrious??), and from where I'm sitting, I think the Giants might be a good candidate to fill it. The fact that late last year they played this same game and lost 41-9, then turned around and won it in week 1, tells me they are much improved. Eli Manning is continuing to progress to being a top tier QB, and the defense was fantastic. 4 sacks, 3 INTs, and generally making Matt Moore look inept, which maybe he is. 3 TDs for Hakeem Nicks gives future opponents something to worry about.

2.WASHINGTON REDSKINS (1-0)
WON V. DALLAS 13-7

3. DALLAS COWBOYS (0-1)
LOST V. REDSKINS 7-13

Don't read too much into this one, except maybe that the Cowboys offensive line, Alex Barron in particular, is really problematic. Dallas dominated this game in every category, except penalty yards (thanks to the 10 Yard Holding Penalty Machine that Barron is), and disastrous turnovers right before halftime. I don't think it's panic time for the Cowboys yet based on this. If they lose to the Bears though, then, maybe, it is. Oh and don't forget the Redskins won this game because of McNabb's veteran leadership. Never mind he went 15 of 32, and made a horrible throw for an INT in the end zone that was nullified by another Dallas penalty. He just knows how to win. He is one of the great quarterbacks of our era. Probably any era. Since we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall end this paragraph at this point.

4. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (0-1)
LOST v. Green Bay 20-27
Before we get all giddy over the triumphant return of Michael Vick and his 103 rushing yards, let's remember something. The Packers were up 20-3 in the second half of this game. If I'm up 20-3 ,the other team's QB can run the ball all day long as far as I'm concerned, I don't care. They aren't coming back from 20-3 in the second half having the QB run the ball. What I'm doing is dropping all my defenders back and letting him get 6 and 7 yard pickups all day and keep the clock moving. That's what the Packers did. It's garbage time stats and it doesn't mean anything. Kevin Kolb's awful play and subsequent concussion though, that's quite unsettling.

Week 1 Picks

2010-09-12T07:57:00.000-07:00

RAIDERS AT TITANS -6 1/2
Last year the Titans ranked 1st in the league in Y/A on offense, the Raiders ranked 28th in Y/A on defense. All the preseason "Watch out for the Raiders" punditry in the world isn't going to fix that.
TITANS 30, RAIDERS 13

DOLPHINS -3 AT BILLS
I would say something like "watch out the Bills could surprise you" or something, but now I see the line is only Dolphins by 3 so that isn't too big of a surprise if the Bills hang close. When these teams met in Buffalo last year, the Bills won 31-14 and Chad Henne had a brutal game, getting picked off 3 times. I think the Dolphins can cover 3 points against the Bills though.
DOLPHINS 20, BILLS 13

BRONCOS AT JAGUARS -3
MJD should be able to have a pretty big day against a Broncos D that ranked 27th in Y/A against the run last year. Denver lost 7 out of 9 to end last season, and since then has lost their best player on both the offensive (Brandon Marshall) and defensive (Elvis Dumervil) sides of the ball.
JAGUARS 30, BRONCOS 20

PANTHERS AT GIANTS -6 1/2
The Giants favored by almost a touchdown here? Did we not see the Panthers go into Ye Olde Meadowlands and beat them 41-9 at the end of last season? Did the Giants pick up 38 points on them in the offseason?
PANTHERS 27, GIANTS 23

COLTS -2 AT TEXANS
Here's the way I see this thing going down. The Texans dominate the stat sheet, but the Colts hang around thanks to a couple key turnovers, probably fumbles by Arian Foster. The Texans are unable to put them away in the 4th quarter because they can't run the ball effectively, leading to Peyton Manning surgically dismembering them on a gamewinning drive to end the game.
COLTS 31, TEXANS 27

FALCONS -1 AT STEELERS
Let's not forget this is a Steelers team that lost at home to the Chiefs and Browns last year, and that was with Not So Gentle Ben and Santonio Holmes. Now they've got an offense that's relying heavily on Dennis Dixon, Mike Wallace, and possibly Morly Safer. Falcons will bring the reality check today.
FALCONS 27, STEELERS 10

BROWNS -2 1/2 AT BUCS
Tampa was DFL in Y/A against the run last year, and I think you could see another 200+ yard rushing day out of Jerome Harrison today. Tampa could actually have a pretty exciting offense this year, they've got a lot of weapons in the passing game for Josh Freeman, but if you can't stop the run you've got no chance.
BROWNS 23, BUCS 17

BENGALS AT PATRIOTS -5 1/2
The Patriots defense didn't inspire alot of confidence giving up 36 points to the Rams in the preseason. All you hear about the Bengals right now is about their offense, with OchoTO, and a couple hot young rookies. Let's not forget though, that the Bengals defense was great last year, ranking 7th in Y/A against both the run and the pass. All the facts point to the Bengals winning this game, but, I'm not picking against the Patriots in week 1. They haven't lost their opener since 2003. That's Belichick. Pats win but Bengals cover.
PATRIOTS 20, BENGALS 17

LIONS AT BEARS -6 1/2
There's a lot of pressure on the Bears today. Mr. Schedulemaker gives you a Week 1 matchup at home against a team that is 2-30 the last seasons, well, if you don't win that one, you might want to think about not even bothering with the rest of them. The thing is, the Bears are in a place where I don't know if any game is an automatic win for them. I think they do start 1-o, but it's not going to be a confidence builder.
BEARS 27, LIONS 24

PACKERS -3 AT EAGLES
All eyes are going to be on Kevin Kolb, but don't forget that this is a matchup of two really good defenses. I think the Packers just barely get the win here, and it's going to be low scoring.
PACKERS 17, EAGLES 16

49ERS -3 AT SEAHAWKS
The Seahawks are probably the biggest mystery team to me in the entire league. I have no idea what they're going to do this year. They're just kind of tucked up there in the Pacific Northwest with their ugly uniforms and their always injured QB, and their college coach, and a team that nobody picked anybody from in either of my fantasy drafts, their just kind of there. For that reason, I pick them to win today. Now that's some logic.
SEAHAWKS 20, 49ERS 17

CARDINALS -3 1/2 AT RAMS
This is the year everyone finds out what a good coach Ken "The Desert Fox" Whisenhunt really is. He's going to win 10+ games with Derek Anderson at QB.
CARDS 27, RAMS 13

COWBOYS -3 1/2 AT REDSKINS
If you look at the Y/A numbers, the only thing the Redskins were really bad at last year was running the ball. Everything else, they were kind of average. Shanahan probably fixes that, but not yet, and not against a very talented Cowboys team.
COWBOYS 24, REDSKINS 16

Vikings Childlike Joy Level Not High Enough To Knock Off Champs

2010-09-10T09:03:00.000-07:00

(1-0) SAINTS 14, (0-1) VIKINGS 9

If you have Adrian Peterson on your team, and your defense holds an offense as potent as the Saints' to 14 points, in the Superdome no less, that should equal a huge season opening win over the Super Bowl Champs.

It didn't though, and I blame Brad Childress for inexplicably abandoning the run after his team fell behind 14-9 in the second half.

He did this even though there was more than a quarter left to play, even though he was down by only one score, even though he has arguably the best running back in the game, and even though Brett Favre had only Visanthe Shiancoe to throw the ball to with any confidence at all. That's just stupid coaching, so who knows, maybe Favre was right with his rumored assessment that Chili doesn't know how to run an offense, it sure looked like it last night.

Contrast that with the Saints, who seemed to take control of the game the moment they stopped being afraid to run the ball. They ran it 3 times in the first half, and trailed 9-7 going into the locker room. After Pierre Thomas plunged it in to give the Saints the lead, it seemed to take away their fear of the Williams Wall, and they had no problem running it for the remainder of the contest, shortening the game and running out the clock without giving Favre a chance to lead one last comeback drive. The Saints had confidence in their running game with Pierre Thomas, and the Vikings didn't with Adrian Peterson. That don't make no sense.

I admire what people like the Football Outsiders are doing trying to Sabremetricize the NFL, but I've got to disagree with one of their main tenets, that it's a myth that a strong running game leads to victory. They maintain it's the other way around, that victory breeds big running totals because you're trying to run out the clock. In this game, if the Saints weren't able to run the ball effectively, they wouldn't have won, because they wouldn't have been able to hold that 14-9 second half lead and keep Adrian Peterson off the field. One team had confidence in its ability to run, and the other team, for whatever reason, did not. Guess which team won.

Terrelle Pryor is that guy

2010-09-09T15:16:00.000-07:00

You ever known one of those friends or family where you get raped by someone, then that someone comes to the friend of family member's birthday party and he's like, "It's my party and I want to invite your rapist. Man that was in the past, you need to let things go, that was his decision and you need to respect that." Oh you don't know this guy? Well now you do. His name is Terrelle Pryor:

"If LeBron does come, just treat him with respect and respect his decision," Pryor said. "Please, no name calling, or booing, or anything like that because that's my mentor. I have a lot of respect and a lot of love for him."

HAHAHAHAHHAHAH This guy just got past being the point of irritation by Buckeye fans because he cried Pryor's coach didn't use his talents properly. Now he's going to tell the people of Ohio, many of whom took Lebron's move to Miami so hard they were burning jerseys and making songs about his sexuality, that they should just get over it and respect him. Look, man, I know Lebron is your friend, but they were about to riot when a Heat fan wore a Lebron Heat jersey to a baseball game. IT WAS A FUCKING BASEBALL GAME. No one ever gets mad at a baseball game unless it's Red Sox fan. What do you think hardcore college football fans who paint their faces and come a zillion strong are going to do if they see Lebron? Are you trying to caught a riot you dumb shit? Sometimes, when someone raped your fan base, you might want to just shut the fuck up about telling the victim to be cool with the rapist. Don't be that guy, Terrelle.

..And the Rest...Closing the Book on the Preseason..

2010-09-01T09:29:00.000-07:00

- Remember what I'm saying now, Tampa Bay's Mike Williams is the next Randy Moss. At least, I really, really hope he is, because Mugatu drafted him. He had 3 catches for 83 yards in Tampa's 19-13 loss to Jacksonville. Josh Johnson was playing QB for the Bucs in place of the injured Josh Freeman, although this really doesn't matter because I couldn't pick out either of them if they were sitting on my lap as I type this, and I'm not Joshing.

- If you're looking for one QB poised to take the next step toward stardom this year, go with Joe Flacco. He looked great in the Ravens 24-10 win over the Giants, as they re-enacted the Super Bowl from 10 years ago. Todd Heap had 6 catches and a TD, and Anquan Boldin also had a score. Eli Manning looked shaky in his first outing back after being hit in the mouf two weeks ago, completing just 9 of 18. 2nd round DT Linval Joseph had a sack for NYG.

- Preseason games don't mean everything, but I'm also pretty sure they don't mean nothing. And if that's the case, the Cowboys have to be really concerned with their miserable performance in a 23-7 loss to Houston. Arian Foster ran for 110 yards for the Texans, and Andre Johnson and Jacoby Jones combined for 12 catches and 142 yards. The Cowboys RB troika of Barber/Jones/Choice combined for an alarming 9 yards on 9 carries.

- Carolina's D was impressive in bottling up Chris Johnson, holding him to just 10 yards 8 carries in a 15-7 win over the Titans. Tennessee's D was equally frustrating to D'Angelo Williams, who had only 13 yards on 9 carries. Carolina didn't seem to be missing Julius Peppers all that much, as they sacked Titans QBs 7 times.

- Seattle safety Earl Thomas earned the most memorable moment of his young career (he was the 14th pick in this year's draft), picking off Brett Favre and taking it back 86 yards in the Seahawks 24-13 loss to the Vikings. Favre had a pretty bad night, completing 16 of 26 with 2 INTS and no TDs. Chris Clemons had a pair of sacks for Seattle.

- The Cardinals played on Monday Night in Nashville, spent a couple days after that staying there and practicing with the Titans, then went to Chicago and beat the Bears 14-9 on Saturday. They did all this with Derek Anderson as their starting quarterback. So either this says something about the Cardinals or it says that the Bears are horrible. Rookie wideout Steven Williams had 79 yards and a TD. Tim Hightower looks like he just may win the starting RB job. He carried 8 times for 62 yards, while Beanie Wells averaged just 1.8 yards on 8 carries and had a red zone fumble. The great Jay Cutler added 2 more picks to his continuing homage to Rex Grossman.

- Bruce Gradkowski just can't stop playing awesome since he's been in a Raiders uniform. Jason Campbell left with an injury and Gradkowski stepped in and threw for 202 yards and 2 TDs and continues to make people think hmmm maybe he really can be a good starting QB in this league. The 49ers beat the Raiders 28-24, rookie RB Anthony Dixon had a big game, and don't be surprised if he's the one backing up Gore, not Brian Westbrook. Larry Murphy had 2 catches for 87 yards and a TD for the Raiders. SF is 3-0 and I hereby crown them Preseason Champions, joining such illustrious past winners as the 2008 Detroit Lions, who went undefeated in the preseason and whose opponents went undefeated in the regular season.

Best/Spiller Dueling Rookie RB Ruckus

2010-08-31T12:40:00.001-07:00

- Rookie sensation Jahvid Best broke a 51 yard run on his only carry in the Lions 35-27 win over Cleveland, powered by a pair of 4th quarter TD runs from 3rd stringer Aaron Brown. Cleveland's defense just got absolutely shredded (5.9 yards per rush, 7.1 yards per pass), but Jake Delhomme continues his walking undead routine this preseason, completing 20 of 25 passes.

- Bills' RB CJ Spiller is absolutely running away with the preseason rookie of the year title, if there was such a thing. He had another impressive outing, getting 85 yards from scrimmage and 2 TDs. Buffalo beat the Bengals 35-20 .Cedric Benson had 8 carries for 50 yards, and Carson Palmer threw TD passes to Chad Ochocinco and rookie TE Jermaine Gresham.

NFLPSW3- Eagles 20, Chiefs 17

2010-08-31T11:40:00.000-07:00

Kevin Kolb is an oh so sexy fantasy pick for those who like to load up on rb's and wr's early, and not take a qb until later in the draft. If you're one of those people, you can't feel good about him putting up a 39.2 passer rating and getting sacked 4 times in this tune up against the Chefs, who made a nice ceviche out of him and the Eagles offense.

A couple high profile injuries in this one, as Jamaal Charles left with what looked like a lower body injury (hockey term), as did DeSean Jackson. Chiefs LBs Demorrio Williams and Andy Studebaker both had a pair of sacks. LeSean McCoy had a TD and averaged 5.6 per on 5 carries, while Thomas Jones scored KC. Rookie Dexter McCluster took a huge hit in this game, but also carried 8 times for 47 yards. The Chiefs have an embarrassment of riches at running back this year. Dwayne Bowe caught a TD pass from Matt Cassel.

Nicky's Fantasy Factor-
The Beltbuckles got a mid round steal in KC's #2 running back Thomas Jones. Every year some team tries to bury him behind a youngster and every year he ends up scoring 12 TDs and rushing for 1100 yards.

Preseason Week 3- Saints 36, Chargers 21

2010-08-31T10:11:00.000-07:00

It was the Chris Ivory show in the Superdome on Friday Night, as the undrafted rookie running back probably cemented himself a spot on the Saints with a 76 yard TD reception and some strong running in the Champs impressive victory over the Chargers. Drew Brees looks like he's ready for the season to start right now, completing 18 passes and throwing 2 scores to Devery Henderson and Robert Meachem. Philip Rivers had a TD pass to Malcolm Floyd and Antonio Gates had 5 catches for 66 yards. The great Ryan Mathews who is already having a wing constructed for him in the Fantasy Football Hall of Fame had just 3.3 yards per on 13 carries. You read it here first, Ryan Mathews is the Fantasy Bust of 2010, him and Beanie Wells. San Diego couldn't run the ball last year, couldn't run it the year before that, and it wasn't all LT's fault.

Nicky's Fantasy Factor

Mugatu was very pleased the Philip Rivers fell to the fifth round in our draft, and we were able to grab him. Our gambit of letting Tom Brady go and using those picks on running backs (who turned out to be Jonathan Stewart and Knowshon Moreno), seems to have worked, as we still have a restaurant quality QB in Rivers. Me and my bro's team (Texas Beltbuckles), will have Pierre Thomas opening the season as our RB2, and I've got a bad feeling about that.

NFL Preseason Week 3- Falcons 16, Dolphins 6

2010-08-30T13:55:00.000-07:00

Atlanta's defense locked it down really well against what should be a potent Dolphins running game. Ronny/Ricky combined for just 14 yards on 12 carries. Chad Henne had a miserable night too, completing just 10 of 22 pass attempts. Matt Ryan was a little better, he completed half of his 26 pass attempts, and found Roddy White for a score. Brandon Marshall was the only bright spot on the Dolphins offense, catching 3 balls for 51 yards. Michael Turner slumped last year and still doesn't look like he's found his groove, he averaged just 2.9 yards on 16 carries.

Nicky's Fantasy Factor-
Me and Dook!e's team (Mugatu) will be relying on Ricky Williams as our #4 running back. We snagged Harry Douglas, who is shaping up to be Matt Ryan's #2 wideout, late in the draft.

Oh Shudder! NFL Dress Rehearsal Weekend

2010-08-30T13:26:00.000-07:00

- Wow so New England's defense is looking a little bad. How you give up 20 points in one half to a Rams team featuring rookie QB Sam Bradford and his huge teeth, and the lethal and phonetically impossible receiver/running back duo of Michael Hoomanawanui and Chris Ogbonnaya is not a question I wish to know the answer to. Tom Brady threw 3 TD passes, including 2 to rookie TE Rob Gronkowski, but man that defense was terrible. Donnie Avery, out for the year.
Nicky's Fantasy Factor
I elected not to keep Tom Brady as my QB this year, and don't have any Patriots on either of my teams if you can believe that. Don't have any Rams either, although I did want to get Ogbonnoya in the 21st round of my insanely long 22 round draft, because you know Stephen Jackson is going to miss at least 5 games this year. The guy picking right before me got him though. #1 sign your draft is too long, you get aced out of picking Chris Ogbonnoya.

- Yeah the Colts lost 59-24 on national TV to the Packers, but they did get out to a 17-7 lead, satisfying any curiosity their coaches had, so don't read too much into it. Jermichael Finley had a monster game and probably bumped up his fantasy draft position 5 rounds because of it. Reggie Wayne is a guy some people say is in for a Marvin Harrison-esque like end to his career. I say wrong for two reasons, one, Reggie Wayne isn't going to kill anybody, and two he had seven catches for 96 yards and a TD in this game. Joseph Addai left with a concussion.
Nicky's Fantasy Factor
Peyton Manning will enter his 9th season as me and my bro's QB. This year we got him Dallas Clark to throw to. No Packers on either team, not that I didn't want any. I like to think I personally discovered Jermichael Finley, but I'm not using no 5th round pick on him.

- Donovan McNabb has a swollen ankle, giving him a built in excuse for when he plays bad against the Cowboys in the season opener. He'll gimp around and the announcers will talk about what a warrior he is and dur dee dur dee dur. Sexy Rexy started this preseason game for the Skins, and they beat the Jets 16-11, which is funny because everything I've read this year has the Jets winning the Super Bowl. LaDanian Tomlinson carried 11 times for 86 yards, and Larry Johnson may have saved his career for now, getting 42 yards on 9 carries and a 15 yard TD reception
Nicky's Fantasy Factor
I was the dumbass who took the Jets D way too early in my 22 round draft. We'll see how that works out. Also have Jerricho Cotchery as a receiver on one team, and Braylon Edwards on the other. The way Sanchise looks in this preseason though, they'll both be terrible. Dustin Keller is my 3rd string TE on the 22 round draft team. Yes, we have 3rd string tight ends in that league. I thankfully have no Redskins in my employ this season, save for Ryan Torain, who I got like in the 20th round of my megadraft and is merely a training camp body.

w0rd?

2010-08-26T12:54:00.001-07:00

The Rest of Week 2 of the UnEnhanced Season

2010-08-26T09:30:00.000-07:00

- Kameron Wimbley had 4 sacks for the Raiders in their 32-17 beatdown of the Bears. In case you were wondering who the poor sack of organs who let Kameron Wimbley beat him for 4 sacks is, that would be Bears LT and former first round pick Chris Williams, who is continuing the tradition of great first round Bears draft picks. Matt Forte broke a very long TD run, which is good for the Bears, because they will need a lot out of Forte after Jay Cutler's ashes have been scattered in the south end zone after a few weeks playing behind this very offensive line once the real season starts.

-Not only did Philip Rivers complete 11 of 15 passes in the Chargers 16-14 loss to Dallas, he ran down a Cowboys safety who was running back a fumble over 70 yards, tackling a him to save a touchdown. A regular Jim Thorpe he is. Tony Romo was 4 of 11 and kind of ick. Rookie Chargers RB Ryan Matthews, who will be the belle of the ball at your fantasy draft this weekend, had 53 yards on 12 carries.

- As we continue the rookie RB fantasy watch, Detroit's Jahvid Best looked good this past weekend too, 49 yards on 8 carries. Too bad though that Detroit will always be losing and never run the ball. Kyle Orton and Matt Stafford both played well, as did Jabar Gaffney, who had 98 receiving yards. Detroit beat Denver 25-20. Tim Tebow didn't play, disappointing all those who showed up with #15 jerseys hoping for him to heal their ailments.

- Green Bay's offense already looks like it's in midseason form, as Aaron Rodgers, Greg Jennings, Jermichael Finley, and company had little trouble against the Seahawks in a 27-24 win. Seattle lost rookie LT Russell Okung, the 6th pick in this years draft, to an ankle injury, and it seems like he'll have no problem fulfilling the Seahawks annual requirement of every player on the rostre missing at least 6 games a year due to injury. That's the Seahawks for you, ugly scuba uniforms and everybody's always hurt.

- Brett Favre played one series in the Vikings 15-10 loss to the Niners, and got sacked pretty hard by Patrick Willis.

- Everyone is cracking each other's skulls open over how bad Matt Leinart supposedly is. I dunno, he wasn't THAT awful in the 24-10 loss to the Titans. He completed 4 of 6 passes, mostly dumpoffs, Larry Fitzgerald isn't playing, I'm not sure what people are expecting here. I think more concerning for the Cards is the fact they gave up 3 rushing TDs, which doesn't reflect very well on a defense.

More Week 2 Preseason

2010-08-25T08:10:00.000-07:00

- Bucs QB Josh Freeman is gone for the rest of the preseason, breaking his thumb in a 20-15 loss to the Chiefs. There goes my Super Bowl pick.

- Miami could be an interesting team this year. They actually have a passing game now, and won't be relying on their 1930s Red Grange offense. Anthony Fasano caught 2 TD passes from Chad Henne, and Brandon Marshall had 4 catches for 65 yards and a key block on one of Fasano's scores in the Fins 27-26 win over Jacksonville.

- Browns and Rams preseason football in a muddy quagmire? Who can resist that? Besides pretty much everyone? There is some good news for the Browns though, Jake Delhomme is completing a high percentage of his passes, to guys on his own team even. Sam Bradford and his huge teeth not doing as well in that area. The Rams won 19-17 as Cleveland turned it over 5 times.

- The Jets beat the Panthers 9-3, and it was still more exciting than an episode of "Rubicon".

- Give the advantage to Arian Foster in his battle with Steve Slaton for the Texans RB1 job. Arian Nation ran for 4.7 yards per carry and a TD in the Texans 38-20 loss to the Saints. Chase Daniel threw 3 TDs for the Champs.

Redskins Still Stink

2010-08-25T07:51:00.000-07:00

Donovan McNabb is still overrated, and now he's got a tweaked knee, Albert Haynesworth is picking fights with Mike Shanahan, and the desiccated mummies that used to be Larry Johnson and Clinton Portis are looking as unimpressive as you'd imagine. Oh, and the Redskins lost 23-3 to the Ravens, and the Redskin marching band is playing Hail to the Redskins after the other team scores a touchdown. Other than that looks like it's going to be a great season in DC.

Not So Gentle Ben Returns In Steelers Win

2010-08-25T07:41:00.001-07:00

He's suspended for the first 6 games of the year, but that doesn't include preseason. The man affectionately known as Roofylisberger had the opportunity to polish his skills in this tuneup, completing 6 of 8 for 76 yards, Classic Ben! The six game suspension actually doesn't work out all that bad for him because the college bars are usually hopping in September and October, which I'm sure he'll enjoy.

The Giants were playing their second game in five days and had something called Rhett Bomar playing quarterback the whole game. They also gave up over 10 yards per pass play, which is not good. Mike Wallace caught a 68 yard TD pass from Byron Leftwich, Morly Safer did not have a catch.

Browns Haiku

2010-08-25T07:23:00.000-07:00

eric mangini
they call him mangenius
holmgren should fire him

TO A Go Go, Ocho a No No- Bengals 22, Eagles 9

2010-08-24T13:40:00.001-07:00

TO caught a 41 yard pass to set up a TD, while Ochocinco had trouble getting open and was being met by "quizzical expressions" from Carson Palmer. Oh yes, I bet you will be seeing lots of quizzical expressions on that sideline this year, believe you me. Meanwhile, Andy Reid was disappointed that he couldn't get a TD out of his first offense. Rest assured though he will go back to his drug emporium and figure this out over a dozen quarter pounders.

NFL Preseason Week 2- Pats 28, Falcons 10

2010-08-24T13:30:00.001-07:00

Iamweswelkerilooklikeaserialkiller

Tom Brady celebrates his official release from my fantasy team by completing 10 of 12 with a TD pass, looking like he is going to be officially back in pissed off Tom Brady throwing 40 TDs this season mode. He's got Wes Welker back too, who played and caught two passes. Fred Taylor carried for 54 yards and a TD. I could have sworn he retired but I guess not.

NFL Preseason Week 2- Bills 34, Colts 21

2010-08-24T13:17:00.000-07:00

The Bills scoring 34 points? Beating the Colts? Iiiiiit happened. Keep in mind though, it's preseason, so it doesn't count, and it was in Canada, so it really really doesn't count. What does count a little though is that CJ Spiller looked awesome, busting a 31 yard TD run where he made everyone on the Colts look silly. Fast guys who don't carry a heavy load usually don't see succeed in the NFL (Reggie Bush, Darren McFadden, Felix Jones), but maybe Spiller is different.

Oh, and take note Canada, this is how the NFL deals with people who run out on the field. This isn't like curling where you can just go Canadian apeshit.

Bengals Haiku

2010-08-24T13:11:00.000-07:00

i havent had time to bloog
work killing me
12 hr days then too tired to write at night
i now resolve will just write daily haikus to you each day about every team
all in lower case letters

here's the bengals

two diva wideouts
plus one gimpy quarterback
equals no playoffs

EPL Week 3 Top 10 - LMAO we just started, relax edition

2010-08-22T11:43:00.000-07:00

There will be teams on this Top 10 that will not be here in 10 weeks. So, like the Cincinnati Reds, let us celebrate the small teams' short term successes while we still can.

1 (1). Chelsea - 6-0, 6-0. They're not even playing well. Their next three fixtures are going to be much of the same. Start picking up Chelsea players on your fantasy teams ASAP.

2 (5). Arsenal - Walcott's hat trick makes up for the fact that their best player, Fabragas, is hurting and I see Arsenal dropping, just not now with an easy schedule ahead of them.

3 (2). Manchester United - Tied with Fulham. HUHZ. Nani, you missed a penalty that cost your team points. CR7 fans are laughing. Man U has Everton and Liverpool coming, so they won't have as easy a time getting points as Chelsea and Arsenal will.

4 (-). Bolton - They have Southampton (zzz), Birmingham (lower avg), and Arsenal coming up. They'll go down, but not too much as Johan Elmander is looking good.

5 (6). Tottenham - Wigan and West Brom gives them a good chance to move up, but they have problems with easy teams. I'd actually feel better if they had Bolton, Birmingham, or Wolverhampton on their schedule than bottom table teams. They play better with focus. Picking up Gallas may add more drama to the team, and that may be a good thing as this team needs more fire.

6 (9). Birmingham - ex-Man U backup keeper Ben Foster's already showing his worth single-handedly saving 3 points for his team. Don't expect them to stay this high, but they look like a solid midtable team.

7 (-). Wolverhampton - A draw with Everton lends more credibility to them, and a winnable next few games will determine if they're a true midtable team. But they need to make statements against Newcastle and Fulham, and these guys aren't pushovers.

8 (-). Newcastle United - 6-0 on Aston Villa made me cry inside a little bit. Their return to the Premier League starts with a bang. I actually think they can maintain it, but we'll see because they really just took advantage of a team losing their best player and their great coach.

9 (-). Blackpool - Don't be a dick. They lost to Arsenal and playing a man down will drive up an offense-minded team's score. I'm not worried for them yet.

10 (3). Manchester City - They haven't done anything impressive yet, but they have a sweet roster. That should count for something, right?

MLS Week 20 Top Ten

2010-08-18T21:59:00.000-07:00

1. Real Salt Lake - Time of possession and the hot streak of Javier Morales (two goals on Columbus) makes them the team to beat right now, which is good for defending champions.

2. LA Galaxy - Won their 2nd leg of Champions League but didn't advance on goal differential and won their last game against a DP heavy Red Bulls team. Stop freaking out on them; they'll be fine.

3. Columbus Crew - Lost pathetically to Real, but won with composure against a lame Guatemalan team, Municipal, in group stage competition. Still, they have a good chance to advance to the knockout round because their competition is Santos Laguna (who's pretty good), Municipal (HAHAHAH), and Joe Public (they're alright).

4. FC Dallas - Beat Phily 3-1 and DC United 3-1. Feasting on bad teams makes you awesome, but I'd hold off on calling them "hot" until they play a real team. They'll probably win their next game vs. Chivas, but the game after against Columbus should determine if they're for real.

5. Seattle Sounders - Beat Houston 2-0 and tied against a tough streaking team like Chivas. I think the Sounders will give teams trouble in the playoffs because they have grit.

6. NY Red Bulls - They have Theirry Henry (F), Angel (F), and Marquez (D), yes barely beat Toronto and ate cock against the Galaxy when Marquez showed why he doesn't play for Barcelona anymore. I think the Red Bulls are fool's gold. You have old fucks playing in a league of high physicality. Death.

7. Chicago Fire - Nery Castillo helps them win 2-1 over a surging New England team. These guys are for real, be very afraid once Castillo, Brian McBride, and Freddie Ljungberg start gelling and don't kid yourself, it's coming soon.

8. San Jose Earthquakes - They just picked up Geovanni as a DP from Hull City. Oh, you don't know them? They got him from Man City. He's legit and I'm actually surprised he's in the MLS. I'm actually concerned about San Jose now.

9. Toronto FC - Won 2-1 vs. a strong Cruz Azul team in Champions League. Actually, they were dominating until they gave up the 89th min goal to an awesome player in Christian Giménez. How the hell did they pull this off?

10. New England Revolution - Look, I know they don't seem that impressive at 6-10-3, but mark my words, they're making the playoffs and they'll be one of those teams that makes top seeds shit their pants.

I cheated on my wife because of overtraining

2010-08-10T09:23:00.000-07:00

I was chilling at home and my wife called wondering why another woman's underwear was at my house. As you all know, that's bullshit, so I deleted her number from my phone. She asked why I did that when I got home and I said I was overtraining. Moron.

Everyone's a moron. Don't you guys realize Brian Cushing has given everyone the best excuse in the history of excuses? If you look at all the reasons to cheat at anything, Brian Cushing's excuse works.

Reasons to cheat and how Cushing's excuse translates:

1) To annoy people in video games

Some of you might not connect to this, but I play video games all day. Some people are scared to play video games all day when you have kids and a wife, but you can't be brave without being scared. I would be playing games and installing speed and wall hacks to own everyone. Then I got my key banned, which is bullshit. So I called up tech support and they asked me why I installed speed and wall hacks and used an aimbot and I told them because I was overtraining. They immediately understood and reactivated my key so I could continue to overtrain all over their mom's faces.

2) Need to pass or get ahead in something

Need to get an "A" on a paper you didn't do research for? Just copy and paste whole essays, mix them together, change the words using random synonyms, and BLAMMOTHERFUCKER. Sometimes you get caught by the teacher or professor Googling what you wrote, but that's cool. This is one conversation I had with a student when I caught her doing the exact thing I just described to you:

Me: This isn't your paper.
Her: I know.
Me: Why did you cheat?
Her: I was working so hard on it I overtrained.
Me: Why didn't you just write it in your own words?
Her: I told you! I OVERTRAINED.
Me: Shit, my bad, bitch.

Gave her an instant "A" right there. Then I slapped her in the face with a desk for looking smug about it.

3) To win money

Sometimes you cheat in gambling to win money. I was playing craps with these other homies of mine, and this guy KEPT fucking winning. We couldn't believe this bullshit. The we found the dice were loaded. We grabbed him and pinned him to the wall and were like, "GIVE US ONE GOOD REASON WHY WOULD SHOULDN'T FUCK YOU UP FOR CHEATING US, ASSHOLE." He was like, "YoyoyoYOOYoyoYOyo I was overtraining my dice when I was rolling it and the lead fell in there. We were like, "Oh cool." We didn't kick his ass because we understood. I mean, he was overtraining, so obviously you gotta give him some slack. And just as he was walking away we overtrained a broom up his ass and broke it.

4) Annoying chick

Man, sometimes you gotta cheat on a chick because she's annoying. Remember when she's all like, "You gotta watch your weight or you'll die!" or the more annoying, "I love you!"? Fuck that bitch. She's practically begging to be cheated on. But when you do, she won't understand, so you just tell her you were overtraining your dick and she'll be cool. Worked for me. Ask your mom.

So instead of laughing at how fucking ridiculous the excuse of overtraining is for taking PEDs, we should be applauding him. Don't be that asshole that ruins it for the rest of us.

Up To Speed - Chicago Bears

2010-08-08T11:16:00.000-07:00

LAST YEAR
One thing you have to remember, is that the majority of Bears fans are also Cubs fans. That means that they just can't wait to fall all over themselves with goofy levels of optimism without really thinking thru if that optimism is justified. Case in point, when the Bears made the most significant move the franchise has made in at least a decade in April of 09, trading for QB Jay Cutler.

To hear the local media tell it, Jay Cutler would be the Bears' Brett Favre, finally putting an end to the 20 year long procession of mediocrities the Bears have trotted out at QB in an effort to end a Championship drought that now stands at a pretty substantial 25 years. After all, Cutler was a Pro Bowl Quarterback, and by God the ball actually made noises when he threw it! ZZZIPPPPPPPPPP!.

One year later, there's a lot of doubt as to whether Cutler is the Bears' Favre, or if he's just a taller version of Rex Grossman who can't stop himself from throwing INTs at an alarming rate. 26 picks is not what anybody had in mind. Neither was the defense being worse than mediocre, ranking in the bottom half of the league in Y/A against both the run and the pass. That may have had something to do with playing the whole season without Brian Urlacher, who broke his wrist in the season opener, but it's hard to imagine the defense would have been anything more than average even with him.

To top it all off, the running game was also ineffective, with Matt Forte falling short of a 1000 yard season despite getting 258 carries. The end result of all this was a 7-9 season that in reality was worse than that record indicates because of the disappointment factor involved.

WHAT'S NEW
After 3 consecutive years out of the playoffs, the organization is officially in Panic Mode. And nothing says Panic Mode like hiring Mike Martz as your offensive coordinator. Yes, his schemes do get results in terms of points and yardage. But there are also ancillary costs such as the quarterback getting hit alot, and for a team whose backup QB is untested Caleb Hanie, that might not be such a good thing. The same cast of mostly incompetent wide receivers will be back running this new scheme as Cutler's targets, but the Bears did add a nice piece in former Vikings RB Chester Taylor. He is a very effective pass catcher and at the very least can split the workload with Forte, possibly making him more effective.

The task of protecting Cutler in this high risk scheme will fall to an offensive line with virtually the same personnel as last year, but with former Vikings head coach Mike Tice coaching them. Tice is a well respected line coach, so we'll see if he can make lemonade out of the lemons he's got on that line.

On defense, the Bears opened up the checkbook and landed the offseason's number 1 free agent prize, pass rusher Julius Peppers. That's actually a very nice pickup for the Bears IF Peppers plays at the level he has the last 2 years that earned him this big contract. If he does, it should really help the Bears be able to generate pressure with a 4 man rush, allowing Lovie Smith to play more of his beloved Cover 2, which allows him to drop more men into coverage and generate more turnover yumminess. They'll need Peppers to be productive, because as far as pass rushers go he's all the Bears have after they let Adewale Ogunleye and Alex Brown, who combined for 12 1/2 sacks last season, walk. The secondary is a bit unsettled, with one corner spot up for grabs opposite Charles Tillman, and it's very possible the starting safeties could be a second year player, Al Afalava, and a rookie, Major Wright.

HERE'S YOUR FORECAST
The Bears tried to half ass an organizational overhaul this offseason by firing virtually all of their assistant coaches but keeping Lovie Smith and GM Jerry Angelo. That strategy really doesn't deserve to work, and it probably won't. Green Bay and Minnesota remain better teams than the Bears, and the Lions had a really good draft this year that will make them dangerous. Add to that the Bears having a brutal schedule outside of the division (at Dallas, at Giants, at Carolina, at Miami, home against New England and the Jets among the most notable probable losses), and I don't see the Bears having a successful year, or saving Lovie's job. I say 6-10 with Cutler, and if Cutler gets hurt as a result of playing in the Martz offense, we're talking a 2 or 3 win disaster.

Premier League Preseason Top 10

2010-08-06T08:52:00.000-07:00

The Premier League starts August 14th with Chelsea as defending champions and two rule changes: 1) teams must declare their 25-man squad at the end of August and 2) 8 homegrown players must be on every squad. The first rule hurts teams that need big rosters (aka the rich teams) to compete in the zillions of competitions throughout the year, unless you get players under 21 who don't have to be registered to be called up. The major theme for this season is the lack of big signings this season, but August isn't over yet.

1 (1). Chelsea - Pretty much the same team as last year with no big signings. They replace the quicker Joe Cole with the more consistent Yossi Benayoun.

2 (2). Manchester United - Also the same team except one significant signing, Javier Hernandez from Chivas. He's the real deal and as a Club America fan, I'm glad he's gone.

3 (5). Manchester City - Two majors, Toure (Barca) and David Silva (Valencia), as well as Robinho returning from being a pussy. Has way too many players and it will be interesting to see who gets chucked at fire sale price.

4 (7). Liverpool - One player and one coach solves all their problems. New signing Joe Cole solves their creativity problem and new coach Roy Hodgson solves their insanity problem. If Liverpool becomes communist by being bought out by the Chinese government, expect a lot of Man City people to come over.

5 (3). Arsenal - With Fabragas staying, they'll have essential the same team except no crazy William Gallas. Unless they get one big signing, preferably at forward, they'll be top 4 but won't win anything.

6 (4). Tottenham - With a chance at Champions League glory, it's surprising that they essentially made no moves (just Sandro from Inter). Their squad is solid all around, but I feel there's one more signing for them before the window ends.

7 (6). Aston Villa - No signings with no plans for any and a chance they'll be losing Milner to Man City, Aston Villa is quite happy where they are at mid-high table.

8 (8). Everton - It's a shame they couldn't secure Landon Donovan from the MLS because, even though I think he sucks, he does make Everton better offensively.

9 (9). Birmingham City - New signings Ben Foster (Man U) and Zigic (Valencia) will keep them floating in the mid table safely.

10 (12). Fulham - Losing Chris Smalling (Man U) was huge, but getting Mark Hughes to take over for Roy Hodgson is pretty good. He's got a great defensive mindset that's needed for a mid table team.

Up To Speed- Carolina Panthers

2010-08-03T15:05:00.000-07:00

LAST SEASON
The Panthers were loyal to a fault to Jake Delhomme, and pretty much sacrificed their 2009 season for that loyalty. After a decade of posting QB ratings in the 80-90 range so consistently you could set your watch to it, Delhomme's play fell off a cliff in 2009, continuing at the nightmarish level established in the season ending playoff loss to Arizona in 2008. The Cats came out of the bag with an 0-3 start during which Delhomme threw 7 INTs against just 2 TDs.

With a bye week after that miserable start, and a seemingly insurmountable hill to climb to get back in contention, it would have made sense to bench Jake The Guy at that point. The Panthers didn't. They kept rolling Delhomme out there, and he kept right on being awful, finishing his season with 8 TDs vs. 18 picks, and a Derek Anderson-esque 59.4 passer rating. They finally pulled the plug with five games left, and lo and behold, replacement Matt Moore led Carolina to a 4-1 finish to end the year at 8-8. Moore threw as many TDs in his 5 starts as Delhomme threw in 11, and only 2 INTs. The semblance of a passing game that the benching of Delhomme gave the Panthers opened up the running game, as Carolina averaged 166 rushing yards over those last 5 games, which concluded with season ending wins over Minnesota, the Giants, and New Orleans.

WHAT'S NEW
Delhomme is gone, and so are a lot of other people who played for the Panthers for a long time. Most notable is Julius Peppers. Peppers had 10 1/2 sacks last season and was the main pass rushing threat on a defense that was in the top 10 in Y/A against the pass. There's no obvious replacement. Tyler Brayton had the most sacks of any returning player from last year and he only had 5.

Peppers isn't the only piece missing from last year's defense. Tackle Damione Lewis is gone, with journeymen Tank Tyler and Louis Leonard competing to replace him. Jon Beason is the only linebacker with a starting job nailed down, with a host of unproven commodities competing for the other two spots. Strong safety Chris Harris has gone back to Chicago and will be replaced by 2009 2nd round pick Sherrod Martin.

So a lot of guys gone on defense, without proven replacements. The same can be said for any receiving option other than Steve Smith. Mushin Muhammad is retired, and he had 53 catches last year. That leaves underachieving former USC star Dwayne Jarrett as a starter, so that's bad.

The Panthers may not have enough receivers to go around, but they certainly have enough quarterbacks. In addition to Moore, they drafted Notre Dame's Jimmy Claussen, and Cincinnati's Tony Pike, so geez ONE of these guys has to pan out, right??

HERE'S YOUR FORECAST
There are some areas the Panthers are strong. Their offensive line has a couple of stud tackles in Jeff Otah and Jordan Gross. They are both coming off pretty bad injuries but if they stay healthy the Cats have a really good offensive line. Jonathan Stewart and D'Angelo Williams are both top 10 running backs and the Panthers can run it 30-40 times every week with those guys. And Steve Smith is still really really good.

That's pretty much the end of their list of strengths though. The old saying goes if you have two quarterbacks, you don't have one, and the Panthers have three. The defense has question marks all over the place and even some interrobangs. There are 2 teams in the NFC South clearly better than Carolina, which means no playoffs. I think we're looking at 7-9 this year and Bill Cowher next year.

Up To Speed- Buffalo Bills

2010-07-29T08:07:00.000-07:00

LAST SEASON
At the dawn of the 2009 season, there was an alarming surge of non-boringness tainting the most boring franchise in the NFL. Canada's Team made a big off-season signing, bringing in VH1 star Terrell Owens, and had the Patriots taking a standing 8 count in the Monday Night opener before a late game fold job let that one slip away. They followed that up by fulfilling the obligation of slapping the Bucs silly.

Then it dawned on opposing offensive coordinators that the against the run, the Bills defense looked like a semi-comatose water buffalo that was finally succumbing to the venom of a kimono dragon a week after being bit. The Bills in consecutive weeks then gave up 222 rushing yards against the Saints, 250 against the Dolphins, 171 against the Browns?!?, 318 against the Jets, and well, it goes on like this. Dick Jauron was canned, former Jane's Addiction frontman Perry Fewell took over, and things didn't get any better. Add to this that the Bills had Ryan Fitzpatrick playing QB, and TO auditioning for a spinoff series, a remake of "The Invisible Man", and you had a really, really shitty season in Buffalo/Toronto.

WHAT'S NEW
The Bills have placed the franchise in the hands of 70 year old whiz kid Buddy Nix and his fresh ideas. Nix is the new GM, with his main resume builder being he was assistant to AJ Smith in San Diego for much of the last decade. In Buffalo this qualifies as a youth movement, compared to when they made 80 year old Marv Levy the GM a couple of years ago.

Nix will oversee a new coaching staff, led by Chan Gailey. Out of all the coaches the Dallas Cowboys have had in their illustrious history, Gailey is one of them, ranking somwhere adjacent to Dave Campo. Gailey will handle the offense, and is faced with the twin challenges of making sure the Bills top pick CJ Spiller does not become a Darren McFadden/Reggie Bush style pro flameout, and the more insurmountable task of being a viable NFL offense with Fitzpatrick as quarterback. With TO gone, James Hardy, who has 10 catches in his 2 year NFL career, is listed as the #2 wideout. My God.

New defensive coordinator George Edwards is bringing the 3-4 defense with him from Miami. This defense, is of course, all wrong for the personnel the Bills have, but what the hell, as long as it gives up less than 250 rushing yards a game it can be considered an improvement.

HERE'S YOUR FORECAST
With a team like this, you have to look at their schedule and see if there are any games they can possibly win. I do see a few. Home games against Jacksonville, Chicago, Detroit, and Cleveland, are all, in theory, winnable. Let's go ahead and say the Bills win half of those, and finish 2-14.

Up To Speed- Baltimore Ravens

2010-07-27T07:16:00.000-07:00

LAST SEASON

There was no sophomore jinx for Ravens coach John "Jim" Harbaugh or his young QB, Joe Flacco. Baltimore picked up right where they left off the year before, making their second straight playoff appearance after the end of the era of one of the great geniuses of our Times, Brian Billick. Not only did the Ravens make the playoffs, they had the distinction of handing Bill Belichick and Tom Brady a taste of playoff humiliation, completely dominating in Foxboro 33-14. The Ravens were unable to sustain that momentum though, bowing out the next week in an uninspiring 20-3 loss in Indy.

The Ravens defense is still dominant, even without Rex Ryan and his giant teeth. Anchored by an impermeable middle 3 of tackles Haloti Ngata, Kelly Gregg, and Ray Lewis, the Ravens ranked 1st in the league in Y/A against the run. That's something we're used to seeing out of the Ravens.

What we're not used to seeing is a potent offense, but the Ravens brought that to the game last year too. 2nd year RB Ray Rice exploded onto the scene with a tremendous season that saw him gain over 2000 yards from scrimmage, and when the Ravens got near the goal line, Willis McGahee made the Ravens a lethal red zone team with 14 TDs. Flacco did not take a Rice-like leap forward in his second season, but he did improve over a strong rookie campaign, raising both is passer rating and his Y/A.

WHAT'S CHANGED

The Ravens had an embarrassment of weapons at running back last season, and a top 5 offensive line, and do again this year. One thing they didn't have though, is a wide receiver that scares anybody. I mean, Derrick Mason may crank out 1000 yard seasons (8 out of the last 9 seasons) in his sleep, not to mention continuing to be the lone standard bearer for the Tennessee Oilers, but he doesn't keep opposing DC's up at night. The Ravens addressed that hole with the acquisition of Anquan Boldin. Boldin's numbers, oddly enough, look a lot like Mason's over the last few years. A lot of catches, and hovering around the 1000 yard mark. He's a guy that is a more valuable player than what his statistics show though, and will help the offense.

On defense, you'll see pretty much the same group as last year, which is a good thing. The Ravens added more depth to an already outstanding unit by using their top draft pick on Texas pass rusher Sergio Kindle, and their second pick on 360 pound Alabama DT Terence Cody. The only area of this defense that looks at all permeable is the secondary, where future HOF safety Ed Reed is coming off of hip surgery, and corners Dominique Foxworth and Chris Carr are merely adequate.

It bears mentioning that the kicking game was a circus for the Ravens last year, and may be again this year, with veterans Billy Cundiff and former Bengal Shayne Graham competing for the job.

HERE'S YOUR FORECAST

Expectations could not be higher for the Ravens. They are definitely in the discussion as far as who will win the Super Bowl in February. Their early schedule is a bitch though, with trips to the Jets, Bengals, and Steelers in their first 4 games. They benefit from playing in a division that I think is going to be down this year though, and should win at least 5 out of their 6 division games. Plus, of course, this is a very good team. I say 11-5 and an AFC North title.

MLS Power Rankings Week 18

2010-07-26T16:15:00.000-07:00

Before the All Star Game against just-lost-to-Kansas-Shitty Manchester United, let's see how the MLS teams rank with some new DP signings and Omar Salgado thankfully becoming an American so he doesn't play for Chivas.

1: LA Galaxy - Corner kicks a problem lately, Buddle and Donovan best forward combo in the league

2: Columbus Crew - Emilio Renteria covers for the injured Steven Lenhart and scores 4 goals in 4 starts

3: Real Salt Lake - Defending champions dropping points from bad defensive lapses

4: New York Red Bulls - Henry makes the much better, but they need more nerve in the midfield

5: FC Dallas - Hot right now, may cool off later, so I'll keep them here until their record improves

6: Seattle Sounders - Playing better without their DP just like Galaxy plays better without Beckham

7: San Jose - I saw their game against the Galaxy and they were lucky to tie needing more offensive talent

8: Toronto FC - Better team that last year, but they should fall later in the season without any DP help

9: Kansas City - Beat Man U with 10 men showing the MLS's 9th best team can beat Man U youth squad, calm down

10: Chicago Fire - Just picked up Nery Castillo; I'm super high on him, but he hasn't been the same since getting hurt at Manchester City; he takes Cua Blanco's spot which is fitting because he was Blanco's understudy on the Mexican National Team; if he's healthy, don't expect him to be at the Fire for long because he's awesome

11: Houston Dynamo - Another team with a shitty goalie

12: Philadelphia Union - Should do well near the end of the season, but should pick up some veteran leadership

13: Chivas USA - Looked good against RSL, but they need to work on their short passing

14: Colorado - Lost to the Sounders because they like to play catch up

15: New England Revolution - Might be getting better, but they might have beaten the Galaxy because they knew they were playing #1

16: DC United - Fell so far behind because their talent thought they were better then they really are

Up To Speed- Atlanta Falcons

2010-07-23T08:24:00.000-07:00

LAST YEAR

A lot of things went right for the Falcons in 2008, as they climbed out of the wreckage left by the Bobby Petrino/Michael Vick disasters. It looked like the Falcons would be primed for an impressive encore in 2009, with the addition of Future HOF TE Tony Gonzalez, and a year of experience under the belt of wonder boy QB Matt Ryan. However, as often happens in the NFL, injuries and an unsympathetic schedule did them in.

Fat bottomed RB Michael Turner was in and out of the lineup all year after racking up heavy mileage in 2008, and when his presumed replacement Jerrious Norwood also went down, the run-heavy Falcons were left depending on 3rd string runner Jason Snelling for a good chunk of their offense. As for Ryan, his Y/A dropped by 18% vs. his rookie year, despite having Gonzalez added to his arsenal, and battled a turf toe injury that saw him miss 3 games during a miserable 2-6 midseason stretch that knocked the Falcons out of playoff contention after a 4-1 start.

While an offense that was supposed to be improved had injury issues, the defense made backwards strides as well, particulary against the pass. John Abraham went from 16 1/2 sacks in 08 to just 5 1/2 in 09, and a clown car of subpar defensive backs drove the Falcons to a 25th rank in the league in Y/A against the pass.

WHAT'S NEW

Not a whole lot. The Falcons offseason plan seems to be to get everybody healthy and back up to 2008 levels of production. The one big addition to the starting lineup is on the defensive side, where CB Dunta Robinson was brought in to help strengthen the struggling secondary. Robinson was the 10th pick in the 2004 draft by the Texans, had 6 picks in his rookie year, and looked like an elite corner in the making. Since then he's been OK, but for the most part disappointing. On the defensive line, the Falcons hope last year's 1st round pick, DT Peria Jerry, will be healthy this year after missing all of last year with a knee injury. Rumblings out of Falcons camp are that his recovery is iffy at best though. An added burden to that D line because its run defense anchor, Jonathan Babineux, is going to miss some time at the start of the season for a reefer suspension. This year's 19th overall pick, LB Sean Weatherspoon (Missouri), is probably going to start as an outside linebacker and should bring some playmaking ability and a second level pass rushing threat that the Falcons didn't have last year.

On offense, the Falcons are making a big bet that Michael Turner will be back in form after a year of recovering from his 370+ carry opus in 2008. He'll have the benefit of running behind a a good offensive line which remains intact from last year. If healthy, he should be a very effective piece to an offense that again features Ryan, Roddy White (85 catches, 1153 yards), and Tony Gonzalez (83 catches, 867 yards), while at the same time not taking the obscene amount of abuse he did to carry the Falcons to the postseason in 08.

HERE'S YOUR FORECAST

The Falcons obviously have faith in their roster, as it is virtually unchanged from last year. The skill position guys on offense can hang with anyone else's, and the offensive line is intact. If they can dodge the injury curse they had last year, the Falcons offense should put up a lot of points this year. However, the defense doesn't scare me or probably anybody else. Abraham is another year older and will have to bounce back after a big dropoff last year as the pass rushing threat, and their best defensive player, Jonathan Babineux, is going to miss time with the drug suspension. Add to that a still unimpressive secondary, and a pretty tough schedule outside the division (Arizona, San Fran, Cincinnati, and Baltimore all come to the Dome), and I think you're looking at a 9-7 type team. Mike Smith is a good enough coach though to get one more win out of them, so I say 10-6.

Up To Speed- Arizona Cardinals

2010-07-22T07:07:00.000-07:00

There's Your New QB

LAST SEASON
The Cardinals proved last year that their 2008 NFC Championship was not a fluke. They didn't make a return trip to the Super Bowl, but they did win a 2nd straight NFC West title, and continued to be one of the more explosive offensive teams in the league. Kurt Warner ended what should be a Hall of Fame career with an excellent season, posting a 93.2 passer rating, distributing the ball evenly to his twin stud receivers Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin. The defense was for the most part adequate in the regular season. Not so adequate in the playoffs though, as the Cards gave up 90 points total in their 2 game playoff run, which ended with a 45-14 drubbing at the hands of the eventual Super Bowl champion New Orleans Saints.

WHAT'S CHANGED
I have an inkling that Ken Whisenhunt may be a very, very good coach. This will be his year to prove it. The Cardinals as we've known them during their resurgence (re-surgence? Hmmm..better change that to "surgence") the last 2 years are no longer. Kurt Warner is retired, replaced by the redoubtable Matt Leinart. Making things worse, not only is Warner gone, but so is Anquan Boldin. These 2 losses mean that you are going to see a very different Cardinals offense this year. Remember, Whisenhunt came to the desert from Pittsburgh, and Pittsburgh RUNS the football.

To that end, the Cardinals have brought in former Steelers and Jets guard Alan Faneca. He's not the player he used to be, but the fact that he's in Arizona shows the Cardinals are serious about putting more of the offense in the hands of the running game, led by sophomore back Beanie Wells and goal line savant Tim Hightower. The man who protected Warner's blind side, LT Mike Gandy, is also gone. Leinart is a lefty (although apparently he holds his beer bongs with his right hand), so that makes the RT position the important one in the Cards passing game, and it's a concern. The favorite to man that position is Brandon Keith, a 3rd year player who was a 7th round pick in 2008. He's suspect, and another reason why the Cards are going to run the ball a lot more this year.

The Cardinals have also taken some hits on the defensive side of the ball. LB Karlos Dansby, the broom of the Cards' system, left via free agency for Miami. His presence inside will be missed, and his replacement, journeyman Paris Lenon, is nowhere near the player Dansby is. The Cards did improve their pass rush though, by signing stalwart rushman Joey Porter, who has had 26 1/2 sacks in the last 2 seasons with the Dolphins. Having such a presence at edge rusher can only make dangerous 3-4 end Darnell Dockett even more effective.

The secondary is in a little bit of flux. The Cards have a legitimate freak at one corner with Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, but a big question mark at the other after the departure of Bryant McFadden. McFadden's spot will be auditioned for by a group of novices led by Greg Toler, a 4th round pick in 2009. Safety Antrell Rolle and his buttery tackles have been swapped out for former Jet Kerry Rhodes, a slight upgrade.

HERE'S YOUR FORECAST
Like I said, this is Ken Whisenhunt's litmus test as to whether he's a great coach or just a very good one. This will be a completely different Cardinals offense than what you've seen the last 2 years. Beanie Wells and Tim Hightower are up to the challenge of what will be a greatly increased workload, but whether an offensive line who never was known for its run blocking is up for it is debatable. The defense looks a little weaker than last year as well. I've got the Cards at 9-7 this year, and whether that's good enough for a 3rd straight division title depends a lot on the strides the #1 contenders to the division title, the San Francisco 49ers, make this year.

World Cup Final

2010-07-14T18:24:00.000-07:00

First off...thanks to Patrick N. for updating the sites layout...loooking goood!

Secondly, we've been driving this home over the last week or so, but now that the World Cup is over we are phasing back into the NFL coverage. Don't worry, you'll still be getting soccer, just not quite as much of it over the next month or so. What you will be getting is some sit down interviews with the world renowned Mr. Football as we run down his picks for the 8 NFL Divisions this year, in what is probably the Last NFL Season Ever Or At Least Until 2012.

With the administrative items out of the way...

SPAIN 1, NETHERLANDS 0

I'm not going to sit here and wring the hands over how this fugly match was a giant blow towards making soccer a mainstream sport in the States. The ratings say otherwise. Ratings in the US for the World Cup Final were up an unbelievable 41 percent over the 2006 final, and that without any other obvious reason other than the increased popularity of the game stateside. It wasn't like the US team was in the Final, it wasn't like Mexico was in the Final, or even England, all things that could have seriously skewed the ratings. Nope, the ratings were up 41% just because the popularity of the sport has exploded that much.

That's obviously something I'm thrilled with, as Patrick and I have been doing a soccer/NFL blog for 4 years now, and hey, if soccer gets anywhere near the NFL's level of popularity, what that means is that we will take our act to ESPN sometime before 2012, and that means no more spreadsheet making for me. This is something I would enjoy.

So anyway, the match. The person on the pitch I was most impressed with in this match was referee Howard Webb. Seriously. He did an awesome job keeping control of this match where the Netherlands came out with the sole strategy of playing prison ball knowing that no ref is going to hand out a red card in a World Cup Final for anything short of a Zidane-esque headbutt to the groin. To Webb's credit, he didn't hand out any red cards. The one ejection came as the result of a second yellow and it wasn't until well into extra time. He liberally handed out the yellow cards, mostly to Holland, letting them slowly paint themselves into a corner with those until eventually someone got a second one, which led to the only goal of the match being scored.

I was also very impressed with Webb because while the Netherlands was playing Rollerball, Spain's strategy was to dive all over the place and keep bitching to the referee looking for either a red card or a penalty kick, refusing to get thru their heads that they would get neither. The worst offender here was the guy that ended up scoring the winning goal, Andres Iniesta, to the point that he became the one guy I didn't want to see score (and of course, he did).

Overall, this match kind of was a fitting capstone to this World Cup. It wasn't a classic match, and it wasn't a classic tournament. That said, it still did the job as far as providing memories, and being a worldwide spectacle that lived up to the anticipation and hype. South Africa was a successful host, proving many doubters wrong, and the tournament shone a light on a lot of great players who don't get the publicity during the club season (Sniejder, Robben, Forlan, Suarez, Schweinsteiger, Muller), and exposed a lot of players who do as being maybe just a wee bit overhyped (Rooney, Ronaldo, Kaka). I enjoyed the hell out of this last month and hoped you all did too and followed the action here. Feel free to go through the archive and relive.

Random Sports Thoughts

2010-07-14T14:59:00.000-07:00

This site focuses mainly on soccer and football, but lots of stuff in the sports world going on where I wanted to say what's up.

The Decision

Lebron joined forces with Wade and Bosh to try to win rings together. Leaving for rings is alright, but Lebron is now Scottie Pippen and Pao Gasol. These guys are hall of fame players, but you can never say they were in Jordan's league of greatness. Kobe and Lebron were seen as equals, but this comparison can't be made anymore.

The way he broke off Cleveland was pretty fucked up too. Anyone who doesn't get why Cleveland is burning jerseys, Akron taking down "Lebron was born and raised here" signs, and an owner going unprofessional probably has never gotten dumped. Getting dumped for a hotter or better person sucks enough, but imagine getting dumped by waiting for your other of seven years to ask to marry you on the jumbotron at the Superbowl and them posting him or her doing reverse cowgirl and announcing, "Oh, I'm not marrying you; I'm with this other person who's better and hotter than you." Cleveland deserved better, and I don't even like Cleveland.

And Jesse Jackson should probably find a better cause to speak up about than Dan Gilbert's reaction that was the same as everyone in Cleveland.

Arizona MLB All Star Game

There were reports that Latino players were going to boycott the All Star Game next year because it was being held in Arizona, where they passed some shit about you can be asked for your legalization papers at any time, branding every Mexican-looking guy as fucked. One side is crying that everyone should boycott and the other side is crying that it's stupid to make a sport situation political and that baseball should be above politics.

I think that unless you're Latino or Mexican-American, you probably should shut the fuck up about this issue and let those people do whatever they want. You or I are probably not affected by the law in Arizona, so our opinion on it would come off as insensitive. Furthermore, asking a non-Latino or non-Mexican-American to boycott is pretty retarded too. Why? They're not affected. Ultimately, if you have vested interest in what's going on in Arizona, do whatever, but get off the backs of people who aren't affected by it. Also, while boycotting would be a statement, those affected by the law would probably be better served actually going to the event and talking to the locals and the media about it where they'll be heard rather than sit at home.

World Cup Finals

People were giving British ref Howard Webb a lot of shit for the record 11 yellow cards. It was annoying, but Netherlands obviously thought Spain was soft (and they usually are) and decided to play rough. I never seen a team throw out so many studs up tackles and NOT get red carded. Webb basically gave yellows to studs up tackles instead of reds because he didn't want to be involved in deciding the game. Netherlands took a chance with tough tackles, Webb gave a bunch of yellows, they didn't adjust and were forced to go down to 10 men by using a professional foul from a carded player to prevent a breakaway. You lost legit. Deal with it. Both teams had many chances, and it was a great game. If Netherlands should be mad at anyone, it should be Arjen Robben for missing like 2 or 3 1v1 on the goalie. Iker Casillas was the man and the reason they won. I hate Howard Webb because he sucks in EPL, but I actually thought he did as best he could.

Other

Thierry Henry signed with the Red Bulls. Good for him and for MLS. It was time. He's still good enough to be fun to watch, just not on the highest level anymore.

Nicky P is coming with his NFL special he does every preseason. I can't wait to read it, which means you should be on your knees ready for his NFL money shot.

World Cup Semifinal Recap

2010-07-10T10:23:00.000-07:00

NETHERLANDS 3, URUGUAY 2
One thing we've seen in this tournament, especially in the later rounds, is a huuuuge amount of goals being scored from long distance, outside the penalty box, 3 pointers if you will. I don't know if it's the Jabulani or the high level of skill you see at these late rounds of the tournament, but it's really been cool to watch and provides an anything can happen at any moment feel to these matches. In this one, you first had Giovanni Van Bronckhorst hitting paydirt from long distance to put the Dutch up 1-0, then Diego Forlan, who had as good a tournament as anybody, answered with a similar goal in the 41st minute.

The Dutch were able to break open this hotly contested match once it hit the seventy minute mark. First Wesley Sneijder snaked a shot thru a veritable obstacle course of Uruguayan defenders, his teammate Robin Van Persie, and Uruguay's keeper, somehow finding the net and making it 2-1 Holland. Minutes later Dirk Kuyt (who Dook!e and I argued for some time over whether he looks more like Tommy from Trainspotting or Sick Boy from Trainspotting, I say Tommy, who of course died of toxoplasmosis, that shit is everywhere, you probably have it and don't even know it), crossed one to Arjen Robben to make it 3-1 and ice it for the Oranje.

Uruguay got a late goal but it was too little too late. The Netherlands has a chance to win its first World Cup, and Uruguay will not win its 3rd sixty years after it won its second and eighty years after its first.

SPAIN 1, GERMANY 0
What was I saying earlier this week about this German team maybe being the Best Team Ever? Sheesh. That looks pretty dumb now. But then again they didn't look anything like the team that completely tore apart England and then Argentina in this tournament, I mean nothing like that. They beat those teams 8-1 combined and those are very good teams. So, then, that must really say something about the Spanish. The 2008 Euro Champs are doing the same thing they did in that tournament, which is to play keepaway most of the game, dominate the scoring chances, and advance thru with 1-0 wins that are not really that close.

This match followed that exact script, with Barca defender Carles Puyol heading in a corner in the 73rd minute for the biggest goal in the history of Spanish football. Spain advances to the Final for the first time in its history, its long and disappointing legacy of being chokers (which seemed to be in good standing when it dropped its opening match 1-0 to Switzerland), is now behind it.

THIRD PLACE MATCHUP
Germany v. Uruguay- Third Place? I don't know about the rest of the World, but in America, we don't care who finishes second, much less who finishes third. I guess the result of this match all depends on how much it means to Germany, if they feel like playing hard, they should easily handle Uruguay, but that's not a guarantee. I think though, that they will want to put up a good showing, because their archrival Holland is in the Championship game and that might motivate them. I say 3-1 Germany.

FINAL MATCHUP
Spain v. Netherlands- I surrender. Spain is just too damn good. They'll win this one the same way they win most of their matches, 1-0 and holding the ball 60% of the match, and not giving up hardly any real scoring chances.

World Cup 3rd place and Finals

2010-07-07T15:50:00.000-07:00

When did I ever become right? My curse didn't work as the Netherlands and Spain advance to the finals.

3rd place match

Uruguay has depended on their D and Germany depended on countering. This game could get boring or exciting depending on who scores first. If Germany scores first, they'll win. If Uruguay scores first, they may win, but Germany has better talent and team play offensively. First to score wins, and I see no one scoring. I feel the more likely scenario is Uruguay winning on PKs. Did I just curse this match into a high scoring one?

Finals

We will have a first time World Cup champ no matter what. Netherlands offense has been their story while Spain has had to rely on Defense because their forwards are ballhogs or just suck (*cough* Torres). Spain had the best odds to win the cup, and I feel Netherlands won't be able to get enough free kicks to give Sneijder the chance to bust a free kick in. I'm going to stay with Vegas odds and pick Spain to win their first World Cup.

This website will return to its NFL and soccer hybrid roots after this weekend. I couldn't do this event without the energy of this website's owner, Nicky P, who busted out awesome reviews and previews like he always does. I have twins the suck up my time and probably would have bailed on my duties to entertain the 50 of you during this important event for this website if it weren't for Nicky P's support and positive energy. That makes you lucky. A nice 4th year anniversary present from us.

World Cup Quarterfinal Roundup

2010-07-06T08:28:00.000-07:00

I think I'm coming down with a cough. Better call this guy:

Okay then, it was quite an exciting quarterfinal round in the World Cup over our Independence Day Weekend. Let's run it down!

NETHERLANDS 2, BRAZIL 1
Everything seemed to be going according to plan early. Just 10 minutes in, Robinho broke past the defense, fielding a long thru ball from Felipe Melo, and putting it home to give Brazil a 1-0 lead. Brazil took that lead into the locker room at halftime, and they had never, EVER lost in World Cup play when leading at halftime. Game over of course, right? NOOOOO.

The horror started for the tournament favorites when Wesley Sneijder chipped a rainbow from outside the box that not only made it over everyone's heads, but over the outstretched Hamburger Helper fingers of Brazil keeper Julio Cesar. A stunning goal to tie the match at 1. The game winning goal was even crazier. Arjen Robben's corner kick was headed first by Dirk Kuyt, giving the ball a little extra lift, which allowed it to be headed in by Sneijder for his second goal of the match, putting Holland up 2-1.

Melo received a red card in the 73rd minute to put Brazil down a mane, and from then on it was clear that the upset was going to happen. Brazil is out! Although, really, this was not one of the better Brazil teams. Robinho was arguably their biggest scoring threat, and well, let us say he is well known to be flawed. Kaka assisted on 3 goals but didn't score any, and Daniel Alves was held without a goal or an assist. So the loss is kind of surprising, but not earth shattering. And besides, the day of the match, before it had been played, a Brazilian newspaper accidentally ran an ad consoling the Brazilian team on its loss that hadn't happened yet. See, this whole thing IS fixed.

URUGUAY 1, GHANA 1 (URUGUAY WINS ON PKS 4-2)
You see a lot of things over the course of an entire World Cup tournament. But do you expect to see the playing out of a real moral dilemma? Is it OK to blatantly cheat to win? I ask because of the way Uruguay won this match. In the waning seconds of extra time, Uruguay forward Luis Suarez was left alone defending an otherwise open net. Ghana's Dominic Adiyiah's header was going to go into the net, giving Ghana a 1-0 win and ending Uruguay's dream World Cup run.

Suarez did the only thing he could do, which was say "ahhh fuck it" to rule #1 of FOOTball, which is, you don't use your hands. He swatted the shot away with his arm, and duly got red carded for it. Ghana would have to convert the ensuing penalty kick to get their goal now, and, of course, they missed it. Asamoah Gyan got nothing but crossbar, and the match went into a penalty kick shootout which Uruguay won to advance to the semis. So, in this instance, yes, it was totally OK to cheat to win. I guess Suarez really had no other choice.

SEMIFINAL MATCHUP
Netherlands v. Uruguay- As I pointed out last week, Uruguay won the very first World Cup, and it's totally crazy that they have come this close to winning again 80 years later. Suarez and Diego Forlan have been superstars in this tournament, and Netherlands is nothing if not inconsistent. They've been known to play a great match, like they did against Brazil, then bumble thru the next one. No result here would surprise me, but since I do smell upset, I will jump at the chance to look like a genius here. Uruguay wins 1-0.

GERMANY 4, ARGENTINA 0
Beating England and Argentina by a combined score of 8-1. Absurd. I'm not a soccer expert, but I have a hard time imagining that any team has put on a more impressive World Cup run than this German team has, and since theoretically World Cup football is the highest level of play there is (although I would really debate that), what you may be seeing here is the greatest team ever to take the pitch. Certainly not in terms of talent, any Champions League finalist probably is more talented than this team, but the way they work together is just magical. It's so cool to see guys like Miroslav Klose, Bastian Schweinsteiger, Lukas Podolski, Mesut Ozil, guys who are not (at least not up to this point) in the conversation for best player in the World, just play on a completely different level as part of this team. Meanwhile, exit Maradona and a super talented Argentina team, completely marginalized by this juggernaut. Said Maradona after the match, "This is a country where you live and breathe football. I don't think that any will be happy when the team loses 4-0."

SPAIN 1, PARAGUAY 0
Hey guess who predicted the score of this one exactly right. If you guessed Nicky P, you are right. Nobody could have predicted the level of wackiness that ensued in this one though, in such a short period of time. The wackiness started when Paraguay was awarded a PK when (Gerard) Pique pulled down Paraguay's Oscar Cardozo on a corner kick. Iker Casillas made the save though, to avert disaster. Then just seconds later, Spain was awarded a penalty kick when David Villa was hauled down. Xabi Alonzo knocked it in, but it was ruled that there were Spanish players in the penalty box when he kicked it, so they re-kicked, and of course this time it was unsuccessful. Eventually, Spain finally broke thru, with David Villa not only winning the match but getting an extra ball when his shot somehow hit one post, then flew across the goal and hit the other, then in the net. Spain manages to get thru the tournament without choking, nobody can call it a "choke" if they lose to Germany.

SEMIFINAL MATCHUP
Germany v. Spain- In actuality, this is the Championship Match. Germany will be looking for revenge for the Finals loss in Euro 08. Normally, when Germany looks for revenge, it doesn't end very well for them (see World War II). Things will be different this time though. Germany wins 2-1, setting up a David v. Goliath with Uruguay in the final.

Hey remember a couple of weeks ago when everyone was like, ohhhh South America is doing so great in this tournament what's wrong with Europe the balance of power has shifted dur dee dur dee dur? Now there's 3 European teams in the semifinals. Bunch of know-nothing know-it-alls.

-Meanwhile, once the World Cup is over, we go NFL intensive. Nicky P's award winning interview series with Mr. Football starts next week!

World Cup Semi Final

2010-07-03T19:45:00.000-07:00

I have the touch of death. After pretty much every team I picked died, I decided to test it today on Argentina and Spain. It REALLY worked on Argentina, and it almost worked on Spain except that I can't take the PK for them too. So I give my picks with the hilarious expectation that I may be screwing them over.

Uruguay vs. Netherlands

Uruguay got lucky winning a PK battle against Japan. If Japan won, I would have had a chance to get money in my betting pool. Uruguay has been riding great d and dumping the ball to Forlan. My Fool's Gold pick Netherlands rides a Brazil breakdown into the semis. I still think Netherlands is Fool's Gold, but the United States could beat Uruguay. So to curse the Netherlands, they should win this easily by three goals.

Germany vs. Spain

I argued that Spain was loaded and should make the finals and that Germany was better without Ballack, but was also Fool's Gold. I still stand by both claims. Germany is a great team on the counter. If Spain falls behind, the game is over. Spain will need to play a high possession game in order to pull through. DO NOT LET GERMANY SCORE FIRST.

World Cup Round of 16 Monday, Tuesday

2010-06-30T07:15:00.000-07:00

NETHERLANDS 2, SLOVAKIA 1
Something said in the waning moments of the match broadcast stuck with me, and that's that Holland played down to the level of its competition, which can happen in this tournament. Well, OK. Slovakia got to the round of 16 largely on the strength of defeating the ghost of the Italy team, and really didn't have much of a chance here, although they kept it close and got a PK goal on the last kick of the match. Arjen Robben scored in the 18th minute and that was pretty much that for a plodding Slovakia side. Robben played a great match, but Holland is going to need more in the quarterfinals if they're going to ditch their long and storied history of going out with a whimper in the knockout stage.

BRAZIL 3, CHILE 0
Up until this match, Brazil had been like that little Yakuza guy in the Simpsons pretzel episode, the one who stands there during the big gang brawl with his arms folded, and Homer says, "I'm waiting for him to do something and you just know when he does something it's going to awesome", or something like that. Well, Brazil finally unleashed the fury in this match. Good thing too, I was starting to doubt them, I even had a a feeling that Chile just might shock the world here. Good thing I didn't write that in the blog. Robinho, who just might dupe another Premier League club into paying him an insane amount of money again, was the star of this match. After Juan converted off a corner to make it 1-0 in the 34th minute, the former Man City disaster teamed up with Kaka to set up a Luis Fabiano goal, and then scored a very picturesque goal of his own for the final score of the match.

QUARTERFINAL MATCHUP
Brazil v. Netherlands- This should be a stern test for Brazil, because the Dutch are nothing if not stern. Judging by these Round of 16 matches though, Brazil has found a gear that Holland just doesn't have. Brazil wins 3-1.

PARAGUAY 0, JAPAN 0 (PARAGUAY WINS ON PKS 5-3)
I call this the "lambs being led to the slaughter match". Really nothing was on the line here other than the right to say you made the quarterfinals, as the winner moves on to face the Spain/Portugal winner, and meet almost certain doom. Japan had a guy who has never scored a goal for them take a PK, and he hit one flush against the crossbar to lose the match. A reason you should root for Paraguay, the chick in the picture above says she will get naked and run thru the streets of Asuncion if Paraguay wins the World Cup.

SPAIN 1, PORTUGAL 0
The cool thing in this World Cup is to play like shit then walk off the pitch after a disappointing result and either yell or spit at the camera. All the big stars are doing it, Wayne Rooney, Cristiano Ronaldo, everybody. Portugal had a really bad tournament, they beat N. Korea 7-0, but didn't manage a goal against anybody else. This match was more entertaining than the score indicated, but the only goal came on a rebound hammered home by David Villa, with the obligatory 4 defensive players holding up their hands and looking at the ref to try to get an offside while the ball was still in play. Here's a soccer question, is there ever a goal scored where there aren't at least 3 defensive players standing around holding one hand up and looking at the referee and each other claiming the scorer was offsides? Like one maybe?

QUARTERFINAL MATCHUP
Spain v. Paraguay- Paraguay is the kind of team that can frustrate a team like Spain. I think Spain advances, but it's going to be an ugly 1-0 slog.

FIFA censor replay in stadiums when refs fuck up

2010-06-28T20:18:00.000-07:00

This is what FIFA wants everyone live to do when there is a ref mistake.

Instead of admitting wrong, Sepp Blatter decides to censor replay in the stadium when a ref messes up. This way, everyone in the stadium can't get mad and the players can't point to the replay to the refs and be like, "LOOK, FOO. THE BALL IS TWO FEET INTO THE NET!" The problem is that the rest of the world just pressed 30 seconds back on their DVRs to see your ref fuck up and has no instant replay to correct their mistake. I did make 6 videos showing how Sepp Blatter is a bitch. It gets more hilarious:

FIFA spokesman Nicolas Maingot said Monday that replaying the incident was "a clear mistake."

Read that quote and use some critical thinking. FIFA was mad, not that there was a grossly bad call, but that there was a replay shown of the ref error. My friend from Singapore said we Americans are just used to abusing authority and questioning motives when we should just enjoy the fucking game. If by abusing and questioning authority you mean "ask" then yeah, that's what we're doing. Here in America we use instant replay for everything because it's the 21st century. But it's not just America, Tatei. Tennis uses Hawkeye technology, which you would know if you watch my Craplacticos series.

One of the funniest arguments coming out is the "BCS Argument" where controversy is good because people are talking about it. This is like using God to justify killing others. If a bad result continues to occur because of the controversy, then talking about it is NOT good. If 40-year old teachers are convincing 14-year olds to have sex, the controversy is not good, especially if nothing is done about it. So let me say this one more time for retards that don't understand basic logic: controversy is not good if nothing changes.

So get your fucking head out of the sand and put some goal line technology.

OOOOBAAAYAAABAAYAYYY- Round of 16 Weekend

2010-06-28T07:22:00.000-07:00

This was a great soccer weekend for me. My World Cup viewing so far has been limited to 2-3 minute glances I get on our TV in the break room at work, and watching fuzzy standard def replays that I already know the result of on ESPN Classic. Finally, this weekend I got to watch in hi def, elimination matches that I didn't already know what happened in. It was awesome.

URUGUAY 2, SOUTH KOREA 1
Wayyy back when, when the World Cup was but a disorganized clustermess played in front of crowds that were as small as 300 people, and a lot of countries would choose not to participate in if it was too far away, Uruguay won the first World Cup. That was precisely 80 years ago. A lot has changed since then, but now theres a chance, not a very good chance, but a chance that things could come full circle and Uruguay bring the Cup back home to its birthplace. They've reached the quarterfinals for the first time in 40 years thanks to a 2-1 win over a feisty South Korea side, with the winning strike coming on a beautiful candy cane shot from Ajax's Luis Suarez, which traveled thru the raindrops from the southwest corner of the box to snake just inside the post kitty corner from where he launched it. South Korea, which played really well, almost tied late in the match on a scoring chance by Lee Gong-Dook, but the Uruguay keeper Fernando Muslera made a great save to preserve the win.

GHANA 2, UNITED STATES 1
I watched this match with my WAG at the Tilted Kilt in Elgin, IL. I wanted some soccer pub ambiance, and was not disappointed as the place was packed with people rooting for the US. Except for my WAG, like a Russian boxing fan watching the Balboa/Drago fight, she switched sides about halfway thru and started rooting for Ghana. I attribute this either to a crazy pregnancy hormonal thing, or the 20 years she spent living amongst a colony of chimpanzees in Ghana. The US had a weird thing in this tournament of coming out and conceding goals right away and then playing from behind. They did it against England, they did it against Slovenia, they did it in the first half against Ghana, and then did it again in extra time and finally it was just too much to overcome. This was a best 2 out of 3 falls match, with Ghana dominating the first half, the US dominating the second, and Ghana striking early then having its players rolling around on the ground like they were dying for most of the 30 minute overtime to run the clock out. Tim Howard should have come out and challenged on Asomoah Gyan's winning goal. Shoulda but didnt'a. Ghana ends it for the US for the second straight World Cup.

QUARTERFINAL MATCHUP
Uruguay vs. Ghana- One of these teams, by rule, has to make it to the semifinals. Uruguay has done nothing but impress this whole tournament, and Suarez and Forlan have been superb. I like Uruguay to win this one 2-0.

GERMANY 4, ENGLAND 1
If you think we as Americans have a social issue in how we deify sports stars, try reading the English press. They obsess over these footballers much, much worse than we obsess over any sports stars, and probably more than even we obsess over entertainment celebrities. This ones snogging that ones girlfriend and this ones shagging this lingerie model and this ones caught with his knickers down with the office junior and so on and so on and so on, and for what?
Wayne Rooney was invisible for this tournament, with the exception of slamming his "home" fans after a 0-0 sleepwalk against Algeria. The man who had a BP-like amount of ink spilled over him this winter, John Terry, was powerless to stop Germany from hanging 4 goals on a defense he was supposed to anchor. The manager who was supposed to finally lead England to glory, Fabio Capello, could only watch helplessly for most of the second half of a hopeless match.

All this obsession so they can go out and just get completely steamrolled by Germany, who have some fairly well known players but mostly are a faceless machine who's majority of goals are scored by someone (Lucas Podolski) that plays mediocre football for a team that perennially fights off relegation in the Bundesliga?

Lots of too doo and hullabalooo about nothing if you ask me.

ARGENTINA 3, MEXICO 1
While I'm on the topic of haranguing the breathless football press, let's talk about Argentina. To listen to the broadcast of the convincing 3-1 win over Mexico yesterday, you'd think that Argentina's success is allll due to Diego Maradona. My view is, Argentina's success has nothing to do with Maradona the Mascot. They are winning in spite of him, not because of him. They are winning because they have freakin Carlos Tevez and Lionel Messi on their team, and they are light years more talented than any other team in the tournament other than Brazil and probably including Brazil. Again, I emphasize over and over that I am a soccer neophyte, but I've done pretty well in predicting this tournament (12 out 16 in who would advance), and you know why, because I am almost completely ignorant of all the fucking hyperbole that soccer people throw around. That's why.

QUARTERFINAL MATCHUP
Germany v. Argentina- Now that I've ripped on soccer hyperbole, let me throw some soccer hyperbole at you. This match is going to be awesome. This might be the two best teams in the tournament, meeting in the quarterfinals. I see this match as a complete toss-up, but I picked Germany to advance to the final before the tournament, and I'm not going back on that now. I say Germany on PK's after a 2-2 classic.

World Cup Day 15- Group G and H Wrap

2010-06-28T07:02:00.000-07:00

GROUP G
There was a lot to look forward to from the 2 matches taking place here on Friday. Aside from the obvious allure of a Brazil vs. Portugal matchup, there was the situation I wrote about earlier this week where Ivory Coast could still advance if they went completely bonkers on North Korea and beat them like 7 or 8 to nothing or something. Turns out I was pretty much looking forward to nothing, because Brazil/Portugal was a 0-0 kickabout with Brazil playing with the goal of not expending too much energy, and Portugal playing to avoid a disastrous blowout loss which would have opened the door for Ivory Coast. Portugal opened things up a bit at the end, getting a few scoring chances once it became evident that Ivory Coast was only going to manage a pedestrian 3-0 win over North Korea. Brazil and Portugal advance out of what was tagged as the G.O.D. before the tournament.

GROUP G MATCH SUMMARY
Brazil - W N. Korea 2-1, W Ivory Coast 3-1, D Portugal 0-0
Portugal - D Ivory Coast 0-0, W N. Korea 7-0, D Brazil 0-0
Ivory Coast - D Portugal 0-0, L Brazil 1-3, W N. Korea 3-0
N. Korea - L Brazil 1-2, L Portugal 0-7, L Ivory Coast 0-3

GROUP H
The day started with the very real possiblity that Spain could join Italy and France as first round disasters failing to advance. All that it would take would be a Switzerland win over weak sisters Honduras, and Spain failing to get a victory over a very tough Chile side for that to possibly happen. Spain avoided the fate of the 06 finalists though, surviving a 2-1 match against a Chile side that played like ill tempered sea bass who shot frickin laser beams out of their foreheads. David Villa scored one goal from waaaay downtown when the Chile keeper was feeling a little too frisky, and set up Iniesta for the second Spain goal. Chile goes thru despite the loss thanks to Honduras, who neutralized Switzerland in a 0-0 draw.

GROUP H MATCH SUMMARY
Spain - L Switzerland 0-1, W Honduras 2-0, W Chile 2-1
Chile - W Honduras 1-0, W Switzerland 1-0, L Spain 1-2
Switzerland W Spain 1-0, L Chile 0-1, D Honduras 0-0
Honduras - L Chile 0-1, L Spain 0-2, D Switzerland 0-0

ROUND OF 16 MATCHUPS
Brazil v. Chile
Spain v. Portugal

Knockout Stage Preview

2010-06-25T17:54:00.000-07:00

Alright, here we go with the best part about World Cup! BTW USA is a part of it. Oh, I told you England would be fine, Oli Porter. Capello doesn't play pretty. Here's a preview with winners in bold. No ties here, baby. Betting odds are besides each team and the lower number meaning you get less money, which will show how much of a favorite the team is.

Uruguay -130 vs Korea Republic +350

Uruguay was in the weakest bracket, but they didn't concede a single goal. I mentioned that teams like Uruguay need to play D to get through and wow did they play some D. Forlan is still the leader of this defensively tough SOBs and shouldn't have a problem with South Korea. They're just happy they made it here for the first time since being host.

United States +150 vs Ghana +190

This is a great match up for the USA. Ghana plays solid D and O as a team, but there is no player that may CR9 all over the USA. This is an even match up that may just be about destiny. And if you go through two disallowed legit goals and still get through, sometimes, you gotta believe.

Germany +180 vs England +165

This is good for England who is struggling for goals. While Oli Porter is ready to hold his ankles, Germany is fool's gold like the Netherlands. Watch a really annoying D make a bunch of young guys crumble.

Argentina -200 vs Mexico +600

I would say unlucky for Mexico, but Mexico seems to do alright against powerhouse teams like Brazil and Argentina. They just suck against the other South American teams. Don't believe the odds. I don't expect a blowout, but Maradona seems to be the real deal proving everyone wrong.

Netherlands -225 vs Slovakia +650

The colony of fool's goal known as the Dutch may have Robbin back for one match before he hurts himself again. They should have an easy time with Slovakia, and then owned by Brazil in the next round.

Brazil -225 vs Chile +550

Chile is a solid team playing very well this year and against ANY other team I probably would pick them to go to the next round, even against Spain or England, but Brazil is just too strong.

Paraguay -110 vs Japan +280

I mentioned that Japan would surprise some people with their local talent but not me, but I ain't gunna lie: I'm surprised. Paraguay isn't that strong of a team as well and I could see Japan upsetting them making them my upset pick of the first round.

Spain -110 vs Portugal +300

The odds may be realistic, but Spain looks like a vulnerable team. Portugal and CR7 are like homerun hitters. Maybe three swings and a strike out, but there's a chance one of those swings goes yard. I am not as comfortable with Spain as I was before this tournament, but the good teams tend to start rolling in the beginning of the Knockout Stage.

World Cup Day 14 - Group E and F Wrap

2010-06-25T12:49:00.000-07:00

GROUP E
With the Netherlands, who already clinched advancement, playing Cameroon, who was already eliminated, in a 99% meaningless match (a match Holland won 2-1), the big focus in this group was on the virtual elimination showdown between those ancient rivals Japan and Denmark. The animosity between these two nations is legendary, so the implications of this match pushed everyone in attendance over the line of hysteria and into mass schizophrenia. In truth, there very quickly was no doubt left as to who the better team was. Japan jumped on the Danes with 2 early goals off of free kicks, and cruised from there to a 3-1 victory, aided by the use of their soccer gloves.

GROUP E MATCH SUMMARY
Netherlands - W Denmark 2-0, W Japan 1-0, W Cameroon 2-1
Japan - W Cameroon 1-0, L Netherlands 0-1, W Denmark 3-1
Denmark - L Netherlands 0-2, W Cameroon 2-1, L Japan 1-3
Cameroon - L Japan 0-1, L Denmark 1-2, L Netherlands 1-2

GROUP F

Well that picture pretty much says it all, huh? The defending Campioni del Mondo, Italy, capped their miserable, France-like title defense with a miserable 3-2 loss against. The first goal came on a molto stupido giveaway , where Daniele de Rossi just kind of dumped it into the middle of the field, pretty much telling anyone on the other team interested in scoring that hey, here you go, there's a goal if you want one. I did the same thing when I was scrimmaging with Dook!e's team a couple of weeks ago, the only difference is I hadn't played soccer in 15 years.

Fabio Quaglierelli was denied a goal on a pretty much lucky save by Liverpool's Martin Skertl, who just happened to be in exactly the right place at the right time, and didn't mind taking one off the nuts for the greater glory of Slovakia. Italy then went down 2-0 giving up Robert Vittek's second goal of the game, preceded by some very lazy defense. Italy fought back late in the match, appearing to have tied only for the goal to be disallowed for offsides. Slovakia then seemingly put it away on a goal by Kamil Kopunek, but Italy got one more goal, from Quaglierelli and just missed getting the equaliser. An exciting finish for Italy, but they go home to shame.

Paraguay needed only a draw against New Zealand to advance, and played like it, muddling to a 0-0 draw with few scoring chances. Let's hear it for the Kiwis though, they were seen as the worst team in the tournament coming in, and although they didn't advance, they didn't lose a match either and definitely outperformed expectations by a lot.

I'm kinda pissed at Italy for going out like this. My grandpa is a big fan, and he's coming up on 90 years old, and at that age every World Cup you make it to is a big accomplishment. He fought in WWII in Mussolini's army, then when they got sick of Mussolini and dragged his corpse thru the streets, he was stranded with his group of soldiers in Albania with no orders, other than to hide from the Germans who if they found them would probably kill them for deserting the cause. He holed up with an Albanian family for 2 years doing work for them in exchange for a place to live, eating pretty much whatever they could kill. Then when the war was finally over and it was safe to come out, he walked it home from Albania back to Italy to a family who thought he was dead. Let's hope his country's soccer team gives him a better show next time.

GROUP F MATCH SUMMARY
Paraguay - D Italy 1-1, W Slovakia 2-0, D New Zealand 0-0
Slovakia - D New Zealand 1-1, L Paraguay 0-2, W Italy 3-2
New Zealand - D Slovakia 1-1, D Italy 1-1, D Paraguay 0-0
Italy - D Paraguay 1-1, D New Zealand 1-1, L Slovakia 2-3

ROUND 2 MATCHUPS
Netherlands v. Slovakia
Paraguay v. Japan

World Cup Day 13- Group C and D Wrap

2010-06-25T11:51:00.000-07:00

GROUP C
In life I often think back to that old Chris Rock "N(orwegians) vs. Black People" routine, where he goes off on people who are praised for doing things they are supposed to do. To quote, somewhat directly,

"You know the worst thing about N(orwegians)? N(orwegians)? always want credit for some s**t they supposed to do. A N(orwegian) will brag about some shit a normal man just does. A N(orwegian) will say some shit like, "I take care of my kids." You're supposed to, you dumb motherfucker! What kind of ignorant shit is that?! "I ain't never been to jail!" What do you want, a cookie?! You're not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having motherfucker!"

So Chris Rock applied that very salient observation to people of his own ethnicity but, I think it also applies pretty much people of all nationalities in my book. So, I bring this up because of the parallel between this and the US team advancing to the second round. You mean to tell me we're supposed to be jubliant and a nation converted to soccer because we finished ahead of Algeria and Slovenia? Uhhh, well, the US was supposed to be better than Algeria and Slovenia. In fact, any activity in which the United States of America is not better at than Algeria and Slovenia, the United States of America should probably stop doing. I can't argue that they've been hella exciting, but really that's a strike against them, because you shouldn't fall behind 2-0 to Slovenia and you shouldn't need a miracle extra time goal to beat Algeria 1-0. I'm willing to wipe the slate clean and start over in the elimination round, but really, color me non-plussed with the US so far.

Meanwhile, if the US has disappointed, England just barely averted not being welcome back in their home country. They will, in fact, be welcome (probably) thanks to a pretty goal by Spurs' Jermain Defoe, who put home a pinpoint lobbing cross from Villa's James Milner. It probably could have ended 4 or 5 to nothing, but Slovenia's goaltender was spectacular, and it cost England, because just one of their many scoring opportunities getting thru would have given them 1st in the group, and avoided a round of 16 matchup with their nemesis and mortal enemy, Germany.

GROUP C MATCH SUMMARY
USA - D England 1-1, D Slovenia 2-2, W Algeria 1-0
England- D USA 1-1, D Algeria 0-0, W Slovenia 1-0
Slovenia - W Algeria 1-0, D USA 2-2, L England 0-1
Algeria - L Slovenia 0-1, D England 0-0, L USA 0-1

GROUP D
Well, somewhere between 5 and I think 40 African teams were in this World Cup, and only one is advancing to the second round. That team is Ghana, and they do so despite not getting a win in either of their last 2 matches, settling for a draw against Australia, and a 1-0 loss to Germany in their finale. Ghana had the majority of the scoring chances but couldn't convert, and a long distance volley from outside the box by Germany's Mesut Ozil provided the only tally.

Ghana's loss gave Serbia, who beat Germany in their last match, a golden opportunity to advance. All they needed to do was beat the consensus weakest side in the group, Australia. The Socceroos had other ideas though. They held things scoreless in the first half, fending off a couple of good scoring chances, then in the second half broke on a header by Everton's Tim Cahill off a lob that was almost a carbon copy of Defoe's goal for England. Shortly after they made it 2-0 on a hard grounder launched by Brett Holman from a spot closer to the center circle than the penalty box. That pretty much was the end for Serbia, even though they scored late to make it a 2-1 final. Australia fails to advance only because of the huge negative goal differential they soaked up in the 4-0 pounding they took at the hands of Germany to open their schedule, but finish strong with 4 points in 2 matches.

GROUP D MATCH SUMMARY
Germany - W Australia 4-0, L Serbia 0-1, W Ghana 1-0
Ghana- W Serbia 1-0, D Australia 1-1, L Germany 0-1
Australia - L Germany 0-4, D Ghana 1-1, W Serbia 1-0
Serbia - L Ghana 0-1, W Germany 1-0, L Australia 1-2

ROUND 2 MATCHUPS
USA v. Ghana
Germany v. England

World Cup Day 12- Group A and B Wrap

2010-06-23T18:20:00.000-07:00

Tuesday marked the beginning of the World Cup Lightning Round, when we're treated to 4 matches a day, 2 of them going on simultaneously, and pretty much everyone playing for survival. Heady stuff, to be sure. Let's see how the story ended in Groups A and B, who wrapped up on Tuesday.

GROUP A
Uruguay is moving on to the 2nd round for the first time in 20 years. They got thru the 1st round without conceding a goal, wrapping up first place in the group with a 1-0 win over Mexico.

France and South Africa were also playing while this match was going on, France managed to salvage some shred of dignity by scoring late in their 2-1 loss to the hosts, kind of in the same way making it to a toilet when you have to throw up on New Year's eve salvages a shred of dignity as opposed to barfing all over the floor. It's kind of like that. I read a recap that had a quote from a 17 year old French fan who said, “It’s funny, France is worthless”. See, that's what we've been trying to tell you! Good to see it's finally sinking in.

Alas, although South Africa finished with 4 points, as did Mexico, their goal differential was 3 goals worse thanks to the 3-0 pounding Uruguay put on them. So the hosts fail to go thru, and Mexico advances to round 2. Uruguay and Mexico, just like I predicted. I defeat all man!

GROUP A SUMMARY

Uruguay- D France 0-0, W S. Africa 3-0, W Mexico 1-0
Mexico- D S. Africa 1-1, W France 2-0, L Uruguay 0-1
S. Africa- D Mexico 1-1, L Uruguay 0-3, W France 2-1
France- D Uruguay 0-0, L Mexico 0-2, L S. Africa 1-2

GROUP B
Nigeria's Super Eagles laid a big giant Super Eagle egg in this World Cup, going home without a victory following their 2-2 draw against South Korea. Nigeria's Kalu Uche opened the scoring early, but Lee Jung Soo got the equaliser, and shortly after halftime Korean captain and Man U star made it 2-1. Nigeria was able to tie it on a goal by Ayegbeni Yakubu, and had a chance to get a comeback victory on a scoring chance late in the game for Obafemi Martins, but he couldn't convert, and South Korea advances for the first time as non-hosts.

Argentina wins the group, and did it impressively, finishing their group run with a 2-0 win over Greece and ending group play with a 7-1 goal differential. Lionel Messi was roughed up by the Greeks in the match, without repercussions from the officials, and Maradona went off after the match. Don't have the exact quote but I'm sure it involved calling Pele old and gay.

GROUP B SUMMARY

Argentina - W Nigeria 1-0, W S. Korea 4-1, W Greece 2-0
S. Korea - W Greece 2-0, L Argentina 1-4, D Nigeria 2-2
Greece - L S. Korea 0-2, W Nigeria 2-1, L Argentina 0-2
Nigeria- L Argentina 0-1, L Greece 1-2, D S. Korea 2-2

ROUND 2 MATCHUPS

Uruguay v. South Korea
Argentina v. Mexico

World Cup Day 11

2010-06-23T13:12:00.000-07:00

PORTUGAL 7, NORTH KOREA 0
I was reading my favorite North Korean news site trying to get the Dear Leader's feedback on this ass whupping, but, alas, I couldn't find a recap, instead this was the lead story:

"Revenge-vowing Meetings Held
Pyongyang, June 22 (KCNA) -- Youth and students and agricultural workers gathered in Susan-ri, Kangso District of Nampho City and in Sinchon County of South Hwanghae Province Tuesday to vow to take revenge upon the U.S. imperialists on the occasion of the "June 25, the day of the struggle against the U.S. imperialists".

The reporters and speakers at the meetings recalled that the U.S. imperialists brutally destroyed cities, villages, factories and farms and killed innocent civilians in the most barbarous way everywhere they set their foot during the war of aggression.

They also referred to the shuddering atrocities perpetrated by the U.S. imperialists in Susan-ri and Sinchon in the period of the temporary strategic retreat during the Korean war, denouncing the Yankees as a herd of wolves in human skin and the Koreans' sworn-enemy with whom they can not live under the same sky.

More than half a century have passed since the ceasefire but the U.S. imperialists remain unchanged in their true nature for aggression, they noted in hot blood, adding that the U.S. imperialists are working hard to ignite a new war on this land while linking the warship sinking case of the south Korean puppet navy to the DPRK in conspiracy with the Lee Myung Bak group of traitors.

They bitterly condemned the U.S. imperialists and the Lee group of traitors for totally negating the historic June 15 North-South Joint Declaration and openly holding in check its implementation, thereby pushing the inter-Korean relations to the worst phase.

If the U.S. imperialists intrude into the DPRK even an inch, all the servicepersons and people will mercilessly wipe out the aggressors to give vent to the long-pent up grudge and accomplish the sacred cause of national reunification at all costs, they stressed."

Hmmm, revenge-vowing meetings? Denouncing the imperialists as wolves in human skin? Sinking ships of the puppet navy? Nympho City?? Sounds like my kind of country! Now enjoy this glorious cartoon! It's so much like my dreams it's scary!

CHILE 1, SWITZERLAND 0
Could the Swiss' clockwork like defense strike again, lulling it's opponent to sleep as if they had just drank Swiss Miss hot cooca laced with some of Novartis' finest tranquilizing medicine, as they did to Spain last week?? Nein! Switzerland became the first nation not to concede a goal in 551 minutes of World Cup play (an accomplishment that somehow has not led to any kind of success in the World Cup), but that all ended when Chile sub Mark Gonzalez headed one in the goal in minute 75, giving Chile an insurmountable, Alp-like 1-0 lead. Switzerland played down a man pretty much the whole game, but they don't use any offensive players anyway so who cares. Chile's on top of the group with 6 points, but they still have not locked up a berth in the knockout round. They'll probably have to get a result against Spain because if they don't there will be a 3 way tie atop the group with 6 points each, and Switzerland has Honduras next so they could run up some goal differential there.

Now THAT's Hetero!

SPAIN 2, HONDURAS 0
Well whaddaya know, Spain managed to get thru 90 minutes with mighty Honduras without completely crapping their pants. Also, apparently David Villa challenged one of the players to a duel or something during the match. Trying to get World Cup video is like trying to get aerial video of North Korea, so I had to settle for a close approximation of the transgression shown below.

World Cup Day 10

2010-06-22T14:21:00.000-07:00

PARAGUAY 2, SLOVAKIA 0

First Uruguay traipising through their first two matches, looking like a lock to advance, and now Paraguay leading its group after 2 matches?? I dare say, this is the Guayest World Cup ever! In fairness, Paraguay is actually a pretty tough team (as is Uruguay), led by Man City's Roque Santa Cruz, and can say they took down both Brazil and Argentina in qualifying. In fact, that's been the trend at this World Cup, while the European powers are going down in flames, and the African teams are for the most part getting beat up too, it's been the teams from our very own hemisphere, in CONCACAF (US and Mexico), and CONMEBOL (Brazil, Argentina, Chile, the Guays), who have acquitted themselves very well. Paraguay's on top of what's been the weakest group in the tournament, and wrap up against New Zealand, so it looks like they're going thru.

NEW ZEALAND 1, ITALY 1

With the possible elimination disasters that have befallen England, France, and Germany, and Spain losing to Switzerland in this opener, it's only right that Italy go out and shit the bed in this tournament too, and they haven't disappointed. They fell behind the 78th ranked in the world Kiwis early in the match, and although Italy dominated most of the way, it took the referees stepping in and deciding they weren't going to let New Zealand win this game, and awarding Italy a bullshit PK in order for the defending champs to salvage a point. Hey wait, who was that I saw at midfield before the game as the extra official...oh my God, no, it can't be....

AHHHH! You lying smelly foreigners! You lied! You said he wouldn't be allowed any where near this tournament again! You let him back in and look what happens, another match that looks like it's fixed. Holy geez. Anyway, Italy faces Slovakia in their group finale, and if they lose, they're out.

BRAZIL 3, IVORY COAST 1

Ever since they drew the field for this tournament, and established the Brazil/Ivory Coast/Portugal triad as constituting the "Group of Death", this has been a match people have been looking forward to. The Death Star that is Brazil against Didier Drogba and the sexy sleeper pick Elephants. As so much of this tournament has played out, when you expect big things, you get a snoozer, and when you expect nothing you get a classic (Switzerland/Spain, US/Slovenia, etc. etc.). Brazil thoroughly dominated this one. Luis Fabiano had the first two goals of the match, one of them a controversial unintentional handball aided one that Sven Goran Eriksson bitched about, but whatever. Drogba did score but by that time it was 3-0 Brazil.

What becomes interesting now, is that Ivory Coast can still advance if Brazil beats Portugal AND Ivory Coast just runs up a fantastic beating on North Korea, like 10-0 range. That's not out of the realm of the possibility, and if you're looking for an interesting, crazy match where one team is totally going to be going for broke, check out that Ivory Coast/NoKo match on Friday.

World Cup Day 9

2010-06-21T14:27:00.000-07:00

NETHERLANDS 1, JAPAN 0
Normally you wouldn't consider a 1-0 win over Japan anything to be impressed with, but the way the so-called European powers have been stinking to high heaven in this tournament, I guess you have to go ahead and tip your van der Sloot to the Dutch for having six points after two matches and clinching safe passage to the round of 16. Inter Milan midfielder Wesley Sneijder scored the only goal of the match. Japan's keeping it to one goal was huge, because now they have a better goal differential than Denmark by one goal. So they can advance with a win or tie in their group finale against the Danes.

GHANA 1, AUSTRALIA 1
The Black Stars have scored but two goals in this tournament, and they were both on penalty kicks. Yet, they head into their group finale against Germany in first place in their group with 4 points. That's despite tossing in a real stinkeroo in this match against Australia. The Soccerros played over an hour of this match a man down, so that coupled with the fact that Ghana is better than Australia, and Ghana still couldn't get 3 points that were just begging to be taken, and boofed up a chance to clinch advancement to the second round. Now they've got to face Germany, who is playing for their World Cup 2010 lives, while Serbia gets Australia. Ghana can advance with a win or a tie against Germany, but that's not going to be easy at all.

This Should Have Been on Cameroon's Jerseys

DENMARK 2, CAMEROON 1
Aaaand the first team to be officially eliminated from this year's Cup is..Cameroon?? Nobody saw that one coming, not with an Indomitable squad featuring the great Samuel Eto'o. It's true though, after grabbing an early lead on an Eto'o goal, Cameroon conceded the equaliser by Arsenal's Nicolas Bendtner to make it 1-1 at half, and Dennis Rommedahl put the Danes ahead to stay in the 61st minute. Said Eto'o after the match, “God is the only one who rules in this moment and he wanted it to turn out like this.” Well, can't argue with God now, can you? Denmark stays alive, and now has to beat Japan to advance. The Indomitable Lions, thoroughly domited.

Africa to Me

2010-06-21T10:21:00.000-07:00

World Cup Day 8

2010-06-21T07:16:00.000-07:00

SERBIA 1, GERMANY 0
My first reaction to this result was, "How could Germany lose to Siberia? Isn't it too cold to play soccer there?" After the shock wore off, I remembered that Ivan Drago was also Siberian, so they probably have some pretty good athletes there. You can add this match to the pantheon of matches in this tournament that turned on questionable officiating. Bayern Munich striker Miroslav Klose received an iffy second yellow card which left Germany a man down, a situation Serbia capitalized on with a goal almost immediately following. Since it is imperative that the refs decide every match in this tournament, they tried to have Germany salvage a point by giving them a PK later in the match, but the magically enchanted Lukas Podolski could not convert. Now all of a sudden the team that impressed the most in the first go round of matches, Germany, faces the very real possibility of not advancing, as they face a final match against Ghana, while Serbia gets to beat up on Australia.

USA 2, SLOVENIA 2
I have to admit, my patriotic fervor for the USA team was kind of weak heading into this tournament. Then this match happened, and from here on out I am going to be a flag waving freedom fry eating super jingo. There's 2 reasons for this, one, it would have been very easy for the US to lay down and die when they fell behind 2-0 after goals from Valter Birsa and Zlatan Ljubijankic. It looked like the Charlie Browns were going to leave a big zig zagged line treadmark all over our Star Spangled Banner. Then the Rocky training in Russia music started up, and the USA showed what it is made of, coming back on goals by Landon Donovan and Michael Bradley to improbably revive the hopes of our nation. Then, as you all know, came the second and most important reason I'm pulling hard for the Yanks from here on, Malian referee's Koman Coulibaly disallowing what would have been the winning goal off a late corner kick. The reason Coulibaly gave for disallowing the goal I believe was, "Because fuck you America, that's why". Oh, it's on now.

ENGLAND 0, ALGERIA 0
So go ahead and play the video posted above, the "nice to see your home fans boo ya" video. Uh, Wayne, the thing is, these aren't home fans. In fact that's the whole thing. These fans paid a shitload of money and came a really long way to watch you guys bumble to a lifeless 0-0 draw against France's B Team. So hey Wayne, bugger off! England's in a lot of danger of not advancing now too. They've got Slovenia in their last match, and the way they've been playing and the way Slovenia's been playing, even 1 point is not guaranteed, and they'll likely need 3 to advance.

World Cup Day 7

2010-06-20T18:45:00.000-07:00

Wow....this tournament sure did become a lot more interesting this weekend.

- Count 'em, 1, 2, 3, 4 powerhouses put in shockingly disappointing performances and now are in danger of not advancing out of the group stage.

- USA and Slovenia played what probably now is the most memorable match in US soccer history (OK, MEN's soccer history).

- As Patrick wrote about today, France's team has completely disintegrated, and who doesn't like watching Frenchmen slap fight with each other like a bunch of girls?

Okay, to the match recaps. I'm a couple days behind..so here's day 7 (Thurs), will probably get days 8-10 up tomorrow AM.

THURSDAY
ARGENTINA 4, SOUTH KOREA 1
It was quite a successful week for Maradona. His much maligned team showed that they were maligned for nothing, pretty much sewing up 1st place in their group with a thunderous win over a South Korea team who got a win in their first match. He got a hat trick, the first of the tournament, from Real's Gonzalo Higuain, and he told Pele to "go back to the museum". Not as effective in his pantheon of Pele disses as "Who cares what he says he lost his virginity to a boy", but not bad.

GREECE 2, NIGERIA 1
Even though Greece won it all in Euro 2004, they had never ever won a World Cup match until Thursday. It didn't look like that would change early in the match. Nigeria went up 1-0, and everyone knows that if you score against Greece, the match is over, because their primary directive is to get a 0-0 tie every time out. A red card to Super Eagle MF Sani Kaita gave Greece a 57 minute long power play though, and Greece capitalized with goals from Dimitrios Salpigidis and Vasilis Torosidis to get 3 points and throw this group into a tizzy. They still probably need a point in their group finale against Argentina to advance, but if Nigeria beats South Korea by one goal, they could still advance with a one goal loss. You will need to use the Pythagorean theorem to figure out the other scenarios. Oh the pathos! Not to mention the ethos and the logos!

Ha, ha, You're French..

MEXICO 2, FRANCE 0
And here's where the tournament starts to get good. Mexico thoroughly dominates France as if they were being coached by Napoleon III. Goals for El Chicarito Javier Hernandez, and the most recognizable player and perhaps only recognizable player in Chicago Fire history, Cuauhtemoc Blanco. The result pretty much guarantees that Uruguay and Mexico advance out of this group, just as a certain soccer savant predicted before the start of the tournament, and also gives us a treasure trove of ennui filled quotes from the defeated French, such as “What’s the problem? We’re not a good team. If we don’t win, it means we’re not a good team", and, "“When you go out of the Euro in the first round, and then you are about to go out again, you really don’t want to think about football anymore".

French Team Implosion

2010-06-20T10:50:00.000-07:00

A 0-0 tie with Uruguay.
A 2-0 loss to Mexico.
Anelka removed from the team.
France refusing to practice in protest.
France fitness coach quits.
Director of French Football resigns.

What in the hell happened?

France already was on shady grounds qualifying into the World Cup with a handball goal by Henry over Ireland. With all the talent they have on the team, they have yet to score a goal in the World Cup. France coach Raymond Domenech seems to be at the center of this with his terrible tactics and roster choices. He benched Malouda, one of Chelsea important players for goals, because he was "too aggressive." Maybe the French need some aggression because they're not scoring any goals or looking dangerous at all.

The Anelka dismissal was entirely the Domenech's fault compounded by the ignorance of the French Football Federation. Domenech told Anelka he wasn't playing like a "real" striker but a second striker, so he should be moved there. Anelka, probably insulted that this idiot is judging him, said, "Go fuck yourself you son of a bitch." Players and coaches get in tiffs all the time. *I* get in tiffs with my students who have told me to fuck off. I don't go to administration and cry. It's my fucking classroom, I'll deal with it. We talk it out. Depending on the context, the kid was angry about something. Same with the situation with Anelka where he's fine playing second fiddle to Mr. Premadonna Drogba, but now he's a problem on France? You insult your player, or at least hurt his feelings, and he cusses you out. Deal with it. It's your team. Nope, Domenech cried to the FFF and without context booted Anelka off the team. Domenech tried to make Anelka apologize to him. Have you ever pissed off a student, he cusses you out in reaction, and then FORCE him to apologize? If you have, how did that work out for you? Your team; your business. Handle your shit, Domenech.

Gallas is a nut job, but he clearly should have been captain instead of Evra. Oh well, France! Guess karma's a bitch when you cheat your way in.

World Cup Jun 21-25 Preview

2010-06-20T06:18:00.000-07:00

Monday, June 21

Group G – (Cape Town) Portugal vs. Korea DPR, 7:30 a.m.
Group H – (Port Elizabeth) Chile vs. Switzerland, 10 a.m.
Group H – (Johannesburg) Spain vs. Honduras, 2:30 p.m.

Story of the Day: North Korea didn't look too bad against Brazil. Spain will have something to prove.

Tuesday, June 22

Group A – (Rustenburg) Mexico vs. Uruguay, 10 a.m.
Group A – (Bloemfontein) France vs. South Africa, 10 a.m.
Group B – (Durban) Nigeria vs. Korea Republic, 2:30 p.m.
Group B – (Polokwane) Greece vs. Argentina, 2:30 p.m.

SOTD: Apparently, Argentina is for real and Greece isn't. I was wrong. Forlan looks too strong for Mexico. France's expulsion of Anelka isn't a big deal because they weren't scoring goals with him anyway. France's coach really buckled under pressure and destroyed the team unity.

Wednesday, June 23

Group C – (Port Elizabeth) Slovenia vs. England, 10 a.m.
Group C – (Pretoria) United States vs. Algeria, 10 a.m.
Group D – (Johannesburg) Ghana vs. Germany, 2:30 p.m.
Group D – (Nelspruit) Australia vs. Serbia, 2:30 p.m.

SOTD: USA was robbed, but they couldn't ask for a better position with a win-and-in scenario that they should successfully accomplish. England looks terrible, but Capello teams are all about defense. If you drop the Green goal that was a fluke, his team D has been pretty good. I gave Germany my curse. Oops.

Thursday, June 24

Group F – (Johannesburg) Slovakia vs. Italy, 10 a.m.
Group F – (Polokwane) Paraguay vs. New Zealand, 10 a.m.
Group E – (Rustenburg) Denmark vs. Japan, 2:30 p.m.
Group E – (Cape Town) Cameroon vs. Netherlands, 2:30 p.m.

SOTD: Italy is in trouble. They can't score goals and they dropped all the guys that can score goals for them off the team. With Buffon hurt, it may be all over for them. Denmark and Japan is more interesting than it should be, but both teams look great. Netherlands should take a major dump on the already ousted Cameroon.

Friday, June 25

Group G – (Durban) Portugal vs. Brazil, 10 a.m.
Group G – (Nelspruit) Korea DPR vs. Ivory Coast, 10 a.m.
Group H – (Pretoria) Chile vs. Spain, 2:30 p.m.
Group H – (Bloemfontein) Switzerland vs. Honduras, 2:30 p.m.

SOTD: Portugal and Brazil is the big money match. Brazil is looking like they need inspiration.

Sat and Sun start the knockout stages! Who's in? Patrick N says...
A: Uruguay, Mexico
B: Argentina, Nigeria
C: USA, England
D: Serbia, Ghana
E: Netherlands, Denmark
F: Paraguay, Slovakia
G: Ivory Coast, Brazil
H: Chile, Spain

World Cup Day 6

2010-06-17T07:21:00.000-07:00

CHILE 1, HONDURAS 0
Police in Chile had to break out the tear gas and water cannons on jubilant Chilean fans jumping around like so many seabass, celebrating their country's first World Cup win 48 years. I ask all those reading, that if I ever get tear gassed because I can't keep a lid on my jubilation over my country's soccer team beating Honduras 1-0, just please skip the tear gas and use live ammunition, and preferably hit me in the head. Killshot baby.

SWITZERLAND 1, SPAIN 0
Who would have thought it would be the Swiss to inject some life into this soporific taffy pull of a tournament? Of course, any time the Spaniards assemble under one banner for international play, it's a disaster waiting to happen. Euro 2008 aside, choking big time is just what Spain does. If you look closely at that thing on their flag, it has a guy grabbing his own throat on it. Remember, it was just a year ago in the Confederations Cup that the US took down Spain 2-0, a match that apparently was studied closely by Swiss Master Ottmar Hitzfeld. Ottmar...I think we have a winner in the "Name Nicky P's Baby" contest.

URUGUAY 3, SOUTH AFRICA 0
Almost a week into the tournament, our front runner for MVP is....Uruguay's Diego Forlan. He had a pair of goals in this match, which pretty much wraps up the tournament scoring title for him. Did you know that Forlan is a two time winner of the Pichichi Trophy for his work with Atletico Madrid? It's true! He has so many Pichichis he is bored with them. RSA keeper Itumeleng Khune got a red card days after chastising his fans for not blowing their zuzuelas hard enough. It's looking like South Africa is going to be the first host nation in, I don't know, probably ever, not to advance to the elimination round.

GROUP H STANDINGS
Chile 3 +1
Switzerland 3 +1
Spain 0 -1
Honduras 0 -1

World Cup Day 5

2010-06-16T07:16:00.000-07:00

So we are almost thru the first go-round in the group stage, and I don't think I'm the only one who thinks that so far this tournament has blown a big vuvuzuela. Nobody is scoring, the ball is supposedly flying around with the predictability of a Harry Potter snitch, everyone looks like they are freezing in the cold weather, and those frickin horns make the games almost unwatchable. Isn't there anything else traditionally African that can be played in the stands other than New Years Eve noisemakers? Drums? Something?

NEW ZEALAND 1, SLOVAKIA 1
New Zealand is known for 3 things, and soccer is not one of them. Those things are, yacht racing, kiwis, and the "How bizarre, how bizarre" song from 15 years ago. New Zealand's "All Whites" (that's racist!), made their first World Cup appearance in 28 years, while Slovakia is here for the first time ever due to their not existing for most of the history of organized football. New Zealand is the consensus pick for being the weakest team in this tournament, but shit so far it looks like none of the teams in the tournament are really that good, so hence they get a point thanks to a goal at the last possible instant from Danish Superliga midfielder Winston Reid.

PORTUGAL 0, IVORY COAST 0
Surely these 2 highly talented teams would break up the buzzing swarm of angry hornets monotony of the lifeless play we've seen so far. Right? Right???? Uhhh..no. Didier "The One Armed Bandit" Drogba came in as a sub in the 85th minute, providing pretty much the only notable moment from this highly disappointing tilt. Highlights are below.

BRAZIL 2, NORTH KOREA 1

After the DPRK's inspired performance in this match, I am on the waiting list to be one of the Chinese actors paid to pretend they are North Korea fans. I am also excited to read some of the universally acclaimed works of the Dear Leader and learn more about his brave struggle against the Yankee imperialists. This match also was notable for this IM gem I came up with in my running conversation with Dook!e, who apparently has a North Korean friend, making him the only person who doesn't live in North Korea with a North Korean friend.

ESPN Gamecast: 'Robinho is going through his repertoire of tricks, but to little real effect. '
Nicky P: 'Sounds like my sexual technique'
Dook!e: 'Heyooo!'

My theory on why North Korea put forth such an inspired performance, their highly nutritious pregame meal:

GROUP G STANDINGS
Brazil 3 +1
Ivory Coast 1 0
Portugal 1 0
North Korea 0 -1

World Cup Day 4

2010-06-15T07:50:00.000-07:00

NETHERLANDS 2, DENMARK 0

Probably the most surprising thing here is that neither side had anyone die of sunburn. The result was pretty much as expected, although Holland did have a little more trouble penetrating the Danes defenses than was expected. A fluke own goal opened the scoring, and Dirk Kuyt put it away for the Oranje late in the match. The Danes packed the midfield pretty tight, because as we all know, if there is a hole in the middle, that's not a Danish, it's a donut. Stay tuned to recaps of future Netherlands matches for all the Joran van der Sloot references you could ever hope for.

JAPAN 1, CAMEROON 0

Almost without exception, the African nations all looked horrible in their prep matches. Although I have a soccer blog, and read anything I can get my hands on about soccer, I am still pretty much neophyte. I was assured by people more futbol literate than me that the prep matches mean nothing. Well, here we are gone live and the African countries still look like crap. Cameroon surrendered a goal in the 38th minute to Keisuke "Piston" Honda, and couldn't answer. The win is the first for Japan on non-Japanese soil in World Cup play.

ITALY 1, PARAGUAY 1

The consensus in the break room amongst the soccer congoscenti at my company watching the match is that Italy is old and bad. They certainly lived up to both of those labels in this match. The defending champs fell behind early, and lost star goaltender Gianluigi Buffon to a back injury. They managed to get a goal from AS Roma's Daniele De Rossi in the second half to avoid total disaster, but judging by the first match, it looks like we are going to have a new World Cup champion in 2010.

GROUP E STANDINGS
Netherlands 3 +2
Japan 3 +1
Cameroon 0 -1
Denmark 0 -2

World Cup Jun 15-20 Preview

2010-06-14T11:01:00.000-07:00

Patrick N and Nicky P covering the World Cup like we have to cover your wife after we're running out of your bedroom. This preview will cover me until Sunday. My picks in bold, if no bold, I predict a tie:

Group Stage
June 15, 2010
12 New Zealand v Slovakia
13 Ivory Coast v Portugal
14 Brazil v North Korea

Story of the Day: Can Ivory Coast guard CR9? If they do, they win. Also, North Korea said they will only allow it's people to watch North Korean goals and wins. Will NK get to see any of the World Cup?

Group Stage
June 16, 2010
15 Honduras v Chile
16 Spain v Switzerland
17 South Africa v Uruguay

SOTD: Will the horns Nicky P talked about bother South Africa into a tie again?

Group Stage
June 17, 2010
20 Argentina v South Korea
19 Greece v Nigeria
18 France v Mexico

SOTD: Greece failed me as my dark horse pick. Nigeria looked good, so they're screwed. Will France be able to score a goal? Argentina is not good, and South Korea got lucky. But if they tie like I think then they are not lucky.

Group Stage
June 18, 2010
21 Germany v Serbia
22 Slovenia v United States
23 England v Algeria

Germany WAS better without Ballack like I initially thought! I really think USA is for real. Even after the 1 goal, I thought that settled the team and we played really good soccer. Even if we lost, I would have been happy with our play. England doesn't have a crisis. Sometimes, balls bounce off your hand. Goalies HAD been complaining about the ball spin.

Group Stage
June 19, 2010
25 Netherlands v Japan
24 Ghana v Australia
26 Cameroon v Denmark

SOTD: Japan got lucky, but the Dutch are going to show they have some talent. Cameroon will be looking to take out their frustrations.

Group Stage
June 20, 2010
27 Slovakia v Paraguay
28 Italy v New Zealand
29 Brazil v Ivory Coast

If Drogba is healthy, their match up with Brazil becomes interesting. He matters that much.

World Cup, Opening Weekend

2010-06-14T06:59:00.001-07:00

I was hoping to be able to overlay the incessant droning of bzuzuzelas into this entry, to recreate the brain melting experience of watching a World Cup match in which it sounds like you are being attacked by bees. Unfortunately I lack the technical expertise to do that. Instead, enjoy the sound of sweet silence as I recap the weekend that was as we begin our month long journey thru the World Cup.

FRIDAY

SOUTH AFRICA 1, MEXICO 1

South African goalkeeper Itumeleng Khune blamed the underdog hosts only getting one point in the opening match against Mexico on the fans. Apparently he "couldn't hear the vuvuzuelas". That would make him the only one. At least Khune is proving the phenomenon of the prick athlete to be a global one. Instead of putting a positive spin on earning a point against a team that was much better than his, he calls out the home fans and wants them to feel shame. I don't get it.

URUGUAY 0, FRANCE 0

The only mildly entertaining moment of this shnorer came when Thierry Henry had the audacity to try and get the ref to call a handball on Uruguay late in the match. He then recalled that France is only in South Africa thru the handy handiwork of his skilled hands, and quickly recanted. France continues to look like le crap sandwich and I stand by my prediction that they do not advance.

GROUP A STANDINGS

South Africa 1 PT 0 GD
Mexico 1 PT 0 GD
Uruguay 1 PT 0 GD
France 1 PT 0 GD

SATURDAY

SOUTH KOREA 2, GREECE 0

There was no bailout to be had for Greece as they continued to display the horrible form they showed in their prep matches. Man U's Park Ji Sung scored the second goal of the match, putting things decidedly out of reach for a Greek side that is as parsiminous with scoring goals as their government is profligate in spending its funds. I get paid by the syllable you know.

ARGENTINA 1, NIGERIA 0

Two of the big storylines of this World Cup revolve around Argentina. One is how World Cup legend/current buffoon and Argentina coach Diego "I don't care what Pele says because he lost his virginity to a boy" Maradona comports himself on such a big stage. The other is if Lionel Messi can finally replicate his best player in the world standard of play he brings to Barca for his country. The answers to both of those questions after one match appear to be, "So far so good".

ENGLAND 1, UNITED STATES 1

So Dook!e and I were watching this match, and IM'ing one of his friends watching in England. He was kind enough to email us some photos of the festive atmosphere in the pub he was watching in, which were very cool to see. Then, of course, just minutes into the match, England gets a goal from Steven Gerrard and it's already 1-0, and it looks like England's going to romp. Dook texts him that it's going to be 4-0 England at halftime, and the Englishman is all like, "No, no, the US is too good for that." I'm sitting there thinking, "No, they're not, they've been playing 5 minutes and England has already cut thru their defenses like we toilet paper." Then it occurs to me, I know where I have seen this kind of pessimism before, Chicago Cubs fans. It seemed that the English fan was just waiting for some kind of mishap to befall England and cost them points. Sure enough, the US scores on a seemingly harmless shot from outside the box that the English keeper tries to dive on like it's a live grenade, and it squirts thru and into the goal when nobody was paying attention. I realized at this point that like the Cubs, England will never, ever win it all in my lifetime.

GROUP B STANDINGS

South Korea 3 +2
Argentina 3 +1
Nigeria 0 -1
Greece 0 -3

SUNDAY

SLOVENIA 1, ALGERIA 0

Before the tournament there was all kinds of concern that the Jabulani ball being used flew like it was made out of rattan or some sort of wicker, or perhaps like the hot dog wrapper in American Beauty. Those fears have seemingly been validated by the US' fluke goal on Saturday, and a similar score by Slovenia's Robert Koren from long distance in this match. In other Jabulani news, I tried to head a Jabulani on Saturday and am pretty sure I have suffered brain damage as a result. JUMANJI!

GHANA 1, SERBIA 0
Here's what I would call the first real upset victory of the tournament. Serbia is loaded with guys that are very important players at some very important clubs. But, as they usually do, they fall flat on their face when they get to the World Cup. How do I know this? In the 2006 cup where my friends and I drafted teams and collected the points for the countries we picked, I thought I got a steal with Serbia-Montenegro. Then they flopped out of the tournament in the group play and I think they didn't even get a point. Now they are just Serbia, but apparently getting rid of Montenegro did not help. Ghana wins on a late PK.

GERMANY 4, AUSTRALIA 0

One thing you can always count on, in International play, Germany will be always be greater than the sum of its parts. Another thing you can always count on, Lukas Podolski will always transform from domestic league nobody to international superstar whenever he puts on the German uniform.

GROUP C STANDINGS
Slovenia 3 +1
England 1 0
USA 1 0
Algeria 0 -1

GROUP D STANDINGS
Germany 3 +4
Ghana 3 +1
Serbia 0 -1
Australia 0 -1

HAPPY WORLD CUP KICKOFF DAY!

2010-06-11T07:08:00.000-07:00

It's finally here! Christmas in June! As I write this, I am wearing my Mexican sombrero and blowing my South African zuzuela, frantically cheering for both teams like the neutral that I am as the first match of World Cup 2010 is in its embryonic moments.

I've got Mexico winning this match 2-1. South Africa is a squad nobody takes seriously, but they have played really well in preparation and the festive atmosphere should give them a boost.

So at this point I think it's only fair that I bestow my group stage picks on you:

ADVANCING TEAMS
GROUP A
Mexico, Uruguay- France has been a mess for the last couple of months, and they are in a tough enough group that they won't be able to get out of their own way

GROUP B
Argentina, Nigeria- Haven't been to impressed with Nigeria lately, but they have the benefit of being more talented than South Korea and Greece, so they will squeak thru.

GROUP C
England, US- Honestly I think it's a tossup between US and Slovenia to get 2nd in this group, but it would be so crippling to US soccer not to advance that I have to pick them.

GROUP D
Germany, Serbia- Ghana is missing Michael Essien, and Serbia has a lot of talent

GROUP E
Netherlands, Denmark- Pretty much all of the African teams seem to be misfiring in their prep matches, that includes Cameroon

GROUP F
Italy, Slovakia- Slovakia gets the 2nd spot in the weakest group in the tournament

GROUP G
Brazil, Portugal- This was the Group of Death before Drogba's injury took out Ivory Coast

GROUP H
Spain, Chile- Spain got a really easy draw here. Chile and Switzerland are kind of a toss up, but whatever. Either one gets drummed out in the round of 16

ELIMINATION STAGE
Mexico over Nigeria- I'm all over Mexico. There's a big Tecate billboard on my way to work with some of the Mexican stars on there, most notably Cuauthemoc Blanco doing his Usain Bolt goal pose.

England over Serbia- It's England's destiny to eventually get knocked out by Germany on PKs, like always.

Germany over US- Kind of unsettling that even if the US advances, Germany almost certainly awaits.

Argentina over Uruguay- U R Gay

Netherlands over Slovakia- Slovakia gets Van der Sloot'ed

Brazil over Chile

Italy over Denmark

Spain over Portugal- Wowwww how's this for a round of 16 match??

QUARTERFINALS
England over Mexico
Germany over Argentina
Brazil over Netherlands
Italy over Spain

SEMIFINALS
Germany over England- On PK's of course
Brazil over Italy

FINALS
Brazil over Germany- MMMM how's that chalk taste?

Okay those be my picks. Currently we're about 30 minutes into Mexico/South Africa and it's still scoreless. Full recap of this match and Uruguay/France tomorrow!

Jun 11-13 preview

2010-06-10T13:44:00.000-07:00

So many matches, so I don't know if I can keep this preview up, but here's trying:

South Africa vs. Mexico - 11 Jun

Story of the game: Will Mexico's midfield gel in time or will South Africa and the home crowd bully Mexico around?

Uruguay vs. France - 11 Jun

SOTG: Uruguay is a tough first weak team test for France who's struggling to score goals.

South Korea vs. Greece - 12 Jun

SOTG: Greece is better than people think, and South Korea is exactly what people think.

Argentina vs. Nigeria - 12 Jun

SOTG: Argentina will start three strikers because they have 6 good ones. Nigeria will need to bully the middle to prevent Argentina forwards the ball.

England vs. United States - 12 Jun

SOTG: Oli Porter will arm wrestle me instead of this match. I will win of course.

Algeria vs. Slovenia - 13 Jun

SOTG: Break time. Slovania is stronger only because Algeria sucks.

Serbia vs. Ghana - 13 Jun

SOFG: Media's loving Serbia, and Ghana can't do shit without their best player hurt.

Germany vs. Australia - 13 Jun

SOTG: This game will be an indicator of how strong Germany really is and how weak Australia is.

World Cup Group F, G, H Preview

2010-06-08T10:43:00.000-07:00

Group F

Italy 10/1 Pirlo (Milan), Zambrotta (Milan), Buffon (Juventus)

Paraguay 40/1 Roque Santa Cruz (Man City)

New Zealand 1000/1 Hopefully God or Satan

Slovakia 150/1 Skrtel (Liverpool)

Italy seems like the easy favorite here, but Italy is old, lacking on goal-scoring power, and the attribute that keeps them in World Cup contention, defense, is lacking sorely. This team seems put together just to make their defense of the title before the team blows up into the youth movement. It's unfortunate that I pulled this team in my betting pool. Italy is going to have to pull out some of that defense out of their ass to make it past the first round of the knockout stage, if they make it there. Paraguay and Slovakia are more appealing to me as teams that would pull out of this group. Paraguay has some athletes on their team and Slovakia has a youthful midfield. Both of these factors can cause an old team problems. If Italy advances to the knockout stage, don't expect them to look impressive doing it.

Group G

Brazil 11/2 Nilmar (Villareal), Robinho (Santos), Luis Fabiano (Sevilla), Kaka (Real Madrid), Thiago Silva (Milan), Daniel Alves (Barca), Lucio (Inter), Maicon (Inter), Julio Cesar (Inter)

Korea DPR 125/1 LMAO.

Côte d'Ivoire 25/1 Drogba (Chelsea), Kalou (Chelsea), Yaya Toure (Barca), Eboue (Arsenal), Kolo Toure (Man City)

Portugal 20/1 Simao (Athletico Madrid), Critiano Ronaldo (Real Madrid), Tiago (Athletico Madrid), Pepe (Real Madrid), Carvalho (Chelsea), Ferreira (Chelsea), Bruno Alves (Porto)

That's just dick to put the nukey Asians no one wants to listen to in the group of death. Initially, I felt Brazil and the Ivory Coast were coming out of this, but with Drogba hurt, Portugal may have been given a gift. Now, Drogba is said to return the second game, but this guy is THE scoring option for the Ivory Coast with Kalou more of a support striker. Portugal is traditionally soft, so I see the Ivory Coast
midfield bossing Portugal around. Brazil is so good they didn't put Ronaldinho (who's in the commercials for the World Cup HAHA) on their squad. I still think he's really good, so them not including horse face shows they're looking for chemistry more than just putting an all-star team together. This is the only time Robinho gets to go against top talent, so he'll be eager to prove until he is chokes under pressure, but you have two top guys to rotate with him. Brazil is my favorite to the finals, of course, but it'll be interesting to see if they can maintain defensive intensity when they need to. Their defense is better than previous years with basically Inter Milan as their backline and goalie. That group is pretty good at D thanks to Mourinho. I'm picking Brazil and Portugal to come out unless Drogba gets back to full health.

Group H

Spain 4/1 David Silva (Valencia), Arbeloa (Real Madrid), Sergio Ramos (Real Madrid), Xabi Alonzo (Real Madrid), Cesc Fabragas (Arsenal), Fernando Torres (Liverpool), David Villa (Barca), Iniesta (Barca), Puyol (Barca), Pique (Barca), Albiol (Real Madrid), Casillas (Real Madrid)

Switzerland 150/1 Blaise Nkufo (Seattle Sounders FC)

Honduras 1000/1 Palacios (Tottenham),

Chile 40/1 Jean Beausejour (Club America), Mark Gonzalez (Moscow), Claudio Bravo (Real Sociedad)

This is probably the easiest group Spain has ever played in. As you can see, Spain is stacked with Real Madrid and Barca players, and not just in one part of the field. Spain is the favorite to win the World Cup because they have Torres and David Villa up top, Fabragas passing to them in mid, and Real Madrid and Barca on D. Shit is over. Switzerland had higher profile players, but not really, so I just wanted to mention that they have an MLS player on their team. Chile will be alright. Watch for my Club America homie. He's fast.

I have Spain and England in the finals, but that's because Spain beats Brazil. This year's World Cup is going to ownnnnnnnnnnn so enjoy Nicky P and I's coverage because there's going to be a lot to celebrate this blog's 4 year anniversary. You're fucking welcome.

World Cup Group E Preview

2010-06-06T22:05:00.000-07:00

Group E

Netherlands 11/1 Robben (Bayern), van Persie (Arsenal), van der Vaart (Real Madrid), Sneijder (Inter), Kuyt (Liverpool)

Denmark 66/1 Bendtner (Arsenal), Poulsen (Juventus), Kroldrup (Florentina), Agger (Liverpool), Sorensen (Stoke City)

Japan 125/1 Honda (Moscow), Shunsuke Nakamura (Yokohama), Abe (Urawa Red Diamonds)

Cameroon 66/1 Eto'o (Inter), Song (Arsenal), Makoun (Lyon), Bassong (Tottenham)

This group will be more competitive than people may think. The Dutch are straight up fool's gold. Yes they have talent, but they're fragile as hell and are chokers. I picked them in Euro 2008 and learned my lesson. Don't be raped like I did or my friend is going to be: stay away from the Dutch if you're betting. Cameroon isn't as strong as some people might think as well. They're athleticism isn't there as it has in the past, and really that's all they had when they were competitive. Japan looks like a push over, and they probably are, but they have a lot of local talent that may surprise some people, but not me who saw them live in Japan when I visited there two years ago. Denmark is a coin flip of awesomeness and fail to me. I want to say they'll be the ones coming out of the group with the Dutch, but I really can't say this with much confidence. Whatever teams come out here, don't expect them to go very far unless their team defense is strong.

World Cup Group D Preview

2010-06-03T22:46:00.000-07:00

Group D

Germany 9/1 Klose (Bayern), Mertesacker (Werder)

Australia 100/1 Tim Cahill (Everton)

Serbia 66/1 Stankovic (Inter), Ivonovic (Chelsea)

Ghana 66/1 Muntari (Inter) NO ESSIEN :/

A weak group all around, the winner of this group won't probably get past the first round of the knockout stage. I had Germany and Ghana coming out of this group until Essien got hurt. Now I have to pick Serbia. In fact, I find it in the realm of possibilities that Serbia could win this group given the key injuries surrounding their group rivals' injuries. Germany without the slow, but experienced Ballack is going to be a team without much direction. At first I thought this injury was a good thing because of my low opinion of Ballack, but Germany seems poised to being assed out if they don't focus.

More World Cup Prep

2010-06-02T09:04:00.000-07:00

Our nervous contestants continued their feverous cramming for their World Cup finals this weekend. Who impressed and who distressed?

- #41 Ireland continued to unleash its Irish Curse as retribution for their controversial elimination, beating a qualifier for the second time this week. Robbie Keane had a pair of goals as the Irish trounced #30 Algeria.

- #19 Cameroon continues to look shaky. Their 1-1 draw against #25 Slovenia was an improvement over their dreadful scoreless draw against Georgia earlier this week, but Africa's highest ranked team isn't doing a whole lot to inspire.

- #6 Germany struck fear into everyone by blitzkrieging #57 Hungary 3-0.

- #78 New Zealand has shown this week that they may not be the easy out they were supposed to be. After a hard fought one goal loss to Australia earlier in the week, they broke through with a stunning 1-0 win over #15 Serbia.

- #2 Spain famously can be counted on to shit the bed in the World Cup, no matter how good they are. They looked like they won't disappoint in that respect as they bungled to a 3-2 win over #66 Saudi Arabia. It took an injury time goal from Fernando Llorente to give them the win.

- The #14 US fell behind 1-0 to #29 Turkey in a lacklustre first half, but rebounded with goals from Jozy Altidore and Clint Dempsey in the second to avoid an embarrassing two losses in one week to teams that didn't qualify for South Africa.

- The Yanks can take solace in the fact that their opening game opponents, #8 England, didn't look great either this weekend. They trailed #45 Japan 1-0 at the half, and needed a pair of own goals in the second to escape with a victory.

- #47 South Korea looked impressive in prep wins over Japan and Ivory Coast, but looked decidedly not impressive in a 1-0 loss to #82 Belarus this weekend.

- #17 Mexico took on some really tough competition earlier in the week, losing to England and the Netherlands. They followed that up with a breezy 5-1 confidence booster against #93 Gambia this weekend. Javier Hernandez had a pair of goals as did Chivas' Bofo Bautista.

- Didier Drogba opened the scoring shortly after half for #27 Ivory Coast, but they couldn't hold the lead and managed only a 2-2 tie against #31 Paraguay in Sven Goran Eriksson's first match as the Elephants gaffer.

- #21 Nigeria limps to South Africa, following up a 0-0 draw earlier in the week to Saudi Arabia with a similarly miserable 1-1 draw against #35 Colombia.

- #9 France is another team in bad form. A shaky win earlier in the week over Costa Rica is followed up by a 1-1 draw at #55 Tunisia.

- #18 Chile had a busy and successful weekend, taking down #56 Northern Ireland 1-0, and #26 Israel 3-0.

- #83 South Africa continues to romp thru it's warm-ups, getting it's 3rd win of the week with a 5-0 blasting of #114 Guatemala.

-#20 Australia had a nice showing, topping #36 Denmark 1-0 on a late goal from Josh Kennedy.

- #32 Ghana looked a mess in getting steamrolled by #4 Netherlands 4-1. Goals for Real Madrid's Dutch castaways, Wesley Sneijder and Rafael van der Vaart.

- #3 Portugal put the Cape Verde Islands horror show behind it with a solid 3-1 win over #19 Cameroon, who has looked horrible in its prep matches. A pair of goals for FC Porto's Raul Meireles.

STOCK UP
Group A- South Africa, Mexico
Group C- Slovenia, United States
Group D- Germany, Australia
Group E- Netherlands
Group F- Paraguay, New Zealand
Group G- Portugal
Group H- Chile

STOCK DOWN
Group A- France
Group B- Nigeria, South Korea
Group C- Algeria
Group D- Serbia, Ghana
Group E- Denmark, Cameroon
Group G- Ivory Coast
Group H- Spain

World Cup Group C Preview

2010-06-01T20:11:00.000-07:00

Group C

England 5/1 Rooney (Man U), Lampard (Chelsea), Gerrard (Liverpool), Fabio Capello (Manager)

United States 66/1 Buddle (Galaxy), Torres (Pachuca), Bradley (Borussia)

Algeria 150/1 HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA

Slovania 150/1 HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

Let's get real. This group was made so that the US and England advance. If either team does not advance, someone's ass gets fired. I look more ahead to the knockout stages. The United States and England would face Ghana or Germany in the knockout stage. Both are very beatable teams. After that, it's Mexico, France, Argentina, or Greece. All four are also super beatable. While England looks sure to advance far, don't be surprised if the US can get their offense rolling that they advance to the semis. The key to their offense are the three I listed. Buddle took the injured Davies's place. Buddle is really fast and a goal machine. Torres and Bradley, while young, are athletic and smart. Youth becomes that double-edged sword, but this squad's make up with the teams they have to go through has me believing a bit, and you all know I'm the most pessimistic asshole when it comes to teams I want to win.

World Cup Group B Preview

2010-05-30T17:38:00.000-07:00

Group B

Argentina 9/1 Milito (Inter), Aguero (Athletico Madrid), Carlos "Ugly Betty" Tevez (Man City), Messi (Barca), Higuain (Real Madrid)

Nigeria 80/1 None

South Korea 125/1 Park Ji-Sung (Manchester United)

Greece 66/1 The Whole Panathinaikos Team

My friendgirl at work really loves Argentina saying the guy who got them in our World Cup pool has already won. It's easy to see why someone would say this if you look at the key players on the team: Top scorer of Champions League winning Inter, best player in the world, top scorer for Real Madrid. However, if you look closely, all their best players are strikers. Can't play them all, right? Along with a crazy coach that's obviously in over his head, Argentina will come out of this group, but won't get past the second round of the knockout stage. I have a special place in my heart for Nigeria, and they're very athletic, but this group has two strong teams in Argentina and Greece. "GREECE?! WTF, PATRICK?!" you say? Greece is awesome. I know none of you have heard of their players because they all play in their local teams, but trust me when I say that their ranking isn't a lie and a team with mostly players from the same team will count for something. South Korea's odds are well-placed and only have a chance to tie with Nigeria. SUPER EAGLES!

World Cup Group A Preview

2010-05-28T21:32:00.001-07:00

12 days until the World Cup and it's time to rumble. I'm dressing in my colonial outfit with my 6 homies and going to the English pub to start shit during USA/England. I'm in charge of hitting drums. What are you going to do?

Group A

South Africa (Odds to win cup) 80/1, Key Players: None, they suck

Mexico 80/1 Carlos Vela (Arsenal), Giovani dos Santos (Tottenham), Johnathan dos Santos (Barca), Cuah Blanco (Veracruz), Rafael Marquez (Barca), Luis Michel (Chivas)

Uruguay 66/1 Forlan

France 16/1 Anelka (Chelsea), Thierry Henry (Barca), Malouda (Chelsea), Jérémy Toulalan (Lyon), William Gallas (Arsenal), Anthony Réveillère (Lyon), Éric Abidal (Barca), Bacary Sagna (Arsenal)

As you can see by the odds, a pretty weak bracket. If France was in any other bracket, they wouldn't get out of the group stage. But they get lucky with a cheap ass hand ball to qualify, then they get the group with the host team from Pot 1 (Pot 1 is host team + 7 best teams in the world). Uruguay has Forlan from Athletico Madrid and not much else. South Africa is full of local club players. I like Mexico and France to get out of this group. Mexico still has a LOT of teamwork issues, but they're tuning up against tough teams, and I love the talent on their team. France is loaded, but they come off real soft to me considering they all need to sit on the toilet to pee.

Final Tune Ups For World Cup

2010-05-28T07:32:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy week on the international stage as the World Cup Finalists get their final tune ups in for the impending extravaganza. Here's how they shook out...(teams in the tournament are in bold, each team's Coca Cola Rating is shown before them, so you can put things in some context).

- #20 Australia and #78 New Zealand hold the all important fate of Oceanic Football in their hands this year. Although they are in different groups in the tournament, they squared off to test their mettle on Monday, or maybe over there it was Tuesday, I don't really know. AZ Alkmaar's Brett Holman scored in stoppage time to give Australia a 2-1 win. The Socceroos trailed 1-0 at the half and were booed off the pitch by their home fans, who also were throwing boomerangs at them. Good thing they won or they would have been fed to the kangaroos.

- #83 South Africa may have a hard time getting out of a group that includes Mexico, France, and Uruguay. They put forth a decent showing in their tuneup this week against #39 Bulgaria. They managed a 1-1 draw thanks to an early goal by Siyabonga Sangweni.

- #45 Japan's manager Takeshi Okada had his request to commit ritualistic seppoku denied by the Japanese football authorities following their shameful 2-0 home loss to #47 South Korea.

- #3 Portugal limped to a bizarre 0-0 draw at home against the Cape Verde Islands. It wasn't that they rested all their stars. They didn't. They had Cristiano Ronaldo starting and still couldn't score against the #114 Cape Verde Islands. My God.

- #7 Argentina inspired coach Diego Maradona to threaten us all with running around naked if his team wins the World Cup, thanks to their 5-0 thrashing of #63 Canada.

- Leave it to #8 England to flagellate themselves for not playing well enough and being convinced they are doomed even though from where I am sitting they looked fine in a workmanlike 3-1 home win over #17 Mexico.

- In a matchup of the 2 worst governed nations on Earth, there fittingly were no winners. #13 Greece and #105 North Korea played to a 2-2 draw. An interesting result though for a North Korea team that nobody knows anything about, playing a top 20 team to a draw.

- #19 Cameroon's Indomitable Lions weren't domited by #120 Georgia, but they didn't inspire a lot of confidence either as they sleepwalked to a 0-0 draw.

- #21 Nigeria was another African Nation in this watershed event for the continent that failed to impress in their prep this week, 0-0 against #66 Saudi Arabia.

- #41 Ireland was famously robbed of a spot in this tournament thanks to some goofy officiating in their qualifier against France. They took it out on #31 Paraguay, beating them 2-1 in Dublin.

- The #14 United States didn't play their A-lineup against the #33 Czech Republic, but still it's hard to take anything positive out of the 4-2 loss they suffered in Connecticut against a non-qualifying nation.

- #18 Chile bumbled to a 0-0 halftime score at home against #71 Zambia, but finally found their game after the break to cruise to a 3-0 win.

- #17 Mexico had a really busy week, just 2 days after facing England they turned around and took on #4 Netherlands. 2 goals from Robin van Persie in a driving rain gave Holland a 2-1 win. A pretty demanding preparation week for Mexico though, going across the ocean and playing 2 games in 3 days against top 10 teams. We'll see if that helps them when the games count in a couple of weeks.

- #36 Denmark looked like a team that could sneak into the 2nd round in a draw that includes Japan and Cameroon, who both failed to impress this week. They topped #75 Senegal 2-0.

- #16 Uruguay has a pretty favorable draw, and they looked like they have the intention of taking advantage of it when they battered #25 Israel 4-1 in Montevideo.

- #9 France continues to sputter. They fell behind #40 Costa Rica early before bouncing back to win 2-1 on a late goal from OM's Mathieu Valbuena. Valbueno!

- Not that anyone is expecting big things in South Africa from #38 Honduras, but they really looked like easy pickin's in a lackluster 2-2 draw against #82 Belarus.

- All 3 goals of #83 South Africa's 2-1 win over #35 Colombia were scored on PK's.

STOCK RISING
Group A- Uruguay, South Africa
B- South Korea, Argentina
C- England
E- Denmark
G- North Korea

STOCK FALLING
Group A- France
B- Nigeria, Greece
C- United States
D- Australia
E- Cameroon, Japan
F- Paraguay
G- Portugal
H- Honduras