Capello's secret for England team success
Jim Fassell wants Raider job
Oli P explains why Americans hate BCS
Jim Fassell wants Raider job
Oli P explains why Americans hate BCS
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Week 11 NFL
THURSDAY NIGHT
(6-3) JETS AT (6-3) PATRIOTS
Belichick and Mangini face off with first place on the line. The Patriots won the first meeting between these teams in Week 2, but since then the Jets have found their identity, and it is as a bruising running team who plays aggressive and effective defense. Oh, and don't forget the childlike joy that Brett Favre brings to the table. Childlike joy.
The Result
I got to watch 2 primetime NFL games this week, and they were both fantastic, and both came down to the final play of regulation. While the Niners couldn't get it in the end zone against the Cardinals on Monday Night, the Patriots did against the Jets, with Matt Cassel throwing a perfect ball to Randy Moss who pulled it in and dragged his back foot ever so slightly on the pellets of old tires in the end zone turf to tie the game and send it to OT. In overtime though, the Patriots defense had absolutely no way of stopping anything the Jets did. They went right down the field and kicked the game winner. Belichick and Mangini had hot passionate sex at midfield after the game, and the Jets are in first place, and for my money are now the second best team in the AFC.
Final- Jets 34, Patriots 31 OT
Fantasy Heroes- Jets DST 11 pts; Brett Favre QB NYJ 22 pts; Matt Cassel QB NE 42 pts; Thomas Jones RB NYJ 19 pts; Jerricho Cotchery WR NYJ 13 pts Wes Welker WR NE 12 pts; Ben Watson TE NE 13 pts; Jabar Gaffney WR NE 14 pts; Stephen Gostkowski K NE 11 pts
Defensive Stud- Eric Barton LB NYJ 17 tackles; FF
SUNDAY EARLY GAMES
(5-4) BRONCOS AT (6-3) FALCONS
The Broncos are really in first place in the AFC West. It doesn't seem like they should be, because they are bad at pretty much everything besides throwing the ball, but here we are. Atlanta, meanwhile, does a lot of things well, and they probably could hand the ball off to Turner and Norwood 60 times in this game and win. Denver's starting running back today is.....Peyton Hillis! Yeah!
(3-6) TEXANS AT (5-4) COLTS
In the entirety of the Texans futile existence, they are 1-12 against the Colts, and have never ever won in Indy. You all remember the first game between these teams this year right? That was when the Texans were up by 17 and then Bungles Rosenfels started fumbling the ball over the place and the Colts somehow came back and won. Butterfingers and his crew are catching the Colts at a bad time if they want to get victory number 2. Thru the sheer force of Peyton Manning's iron will, and a really really bad game by Ben Roethlisberger, the Colts went into Pittsburgh and got a pretty surprising win last week. This is a game the Colts should win easily, but they haven't made anything look easy all year so we'll see.
(2-7) RAIDERS AT (5-4) DOLPHINS
My sources have given me a preview of a new Wildcat play the Dolphins plan on running this week. I can't reveal very much, but I will reveal that it involves a giant bottle fo seltzer water and a blow up doll.
(6-3) RAVENS AT (8-1) GIANTS
A rematch of that magical Trent Dilfer-Kerry Collins Super Bowl at the dawn of our New Century. Here we are 8 years later, and both of these teams are in contention once again, only this time it's the Giants that will probably do the ass whuppin. Flacco will be missing his best receiver, Derrick Mason, and is going to have to deal with a much more formidable defensive unit than the Texans and Browns ensembles he has depantsed recently. The Giants may have to throw the ball a little more than they'd like to beat the Ravens, but they've certainly shown they can do that too. The Ravens won't get 3 road wins in 3 weeks.
(0-9) LIONS AT (7-2) PANTHERS
I've got a joke for the Lions.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Owen.
Owen who?
Owen Ten.
(5-4) EAGLES AT (1-8) BENGALS
The Eagles will win this game by a lot and everyone will say oh the Eagles are back dur dee dur dee dur, then the next time the Eagles play a decent team, they'll lose because they get stopped at the goal line sometime during the game and come away with 0 or 3 points when they should have gotten 6. Their story has grown tiresome.
(5-4) BEARS AT (4-5) PACKERS
A crisp November day with a Bears/Packers game with playoff implications. Every once in a while, life is good. Life won't be good for the Packers if they can't figure out some way to stop the Bears from running the ball on them, as their run defense is terrible and Matt Forte can exploit that. Of course, the Bears have equal difficulties stopping the pass, and the Packers can exploit that too, but the Bears can use the running game to keep the Packers offense off the field, and that means I like the Bears to win this one.
(4-5) SAINTS AT (1-8) CHIEFS
I hereby crown the Chiefs the best 1-8 team I have ever seen. The Saints are pretty much toast at 4-5 in a division where they are 3 games back of one team and 2 back of 2 others. NOLA hasn't won a game outside of the Superdome all year, and I say they won't start today.
(5-4) VIKINGS AT (6-3) BUCS
An important game for two teams that are going to be fighting for a playoff spot for the remainder of the year. My first instinct is to say that the Vikings one dimension of giving the ball to Adrian Peterson is not enough to beat a Tampa team that can stop the run. But can the Bucs really stop the run? The Chiefs ran for 183 yards on them last time out. The Bears rolled up 158 on them earlier in the year. The Bucs have had some success stopping the run sometimes this year, but not all the time. Whether they have a good day or a bad day in that phase will determine who wins this one.
LATE GAMES
(2-7) RAMS AT (2-7) 49ERS
Mike Singletary's to-do list as interim coach so far reads:
1. Drop pants at halftime- CHECK
2. Send player to the showers during game- CHECK
3. Give bonkers post game press conference after game 1- CHECK
4. Blame second loss on offensive coordinator- CHECK
Now consider that the Rams are even more messed up than the 49ers are. This game could be the Mona Lisa of terrible football.
(6-3) CARDINALS AT (2-7) SEAHAWKS
As much as the other members of the NFC West, who are all 2-7, try to hand the Cardinals their first playoff spot in 10 years on a silver platter, the Cardinals are still the Cardinals, and there's always that bad team gag reflex that results in things like almost losing a game that one of the guys broadcasting was all but telling you to change the channel because it was over. Now they go to Seattle to face a horrible team who is getting their starting QB back. Will they still be horrible? Or will they be upgraded to struggling?
(9-0) TITANS AT (4-5) JAGUARS
Wow this sure feels like a trap game, does it not? I'm not sure if there is a relationship between the 2 events, but I saw Larry Csonka at Costco today buying 48 cases of Cold Duck.
(4-5) CHARGERS AT (6-3) STEELERS
Both of these teams badly need this game. The Chargers are still in the playoff race by the grace of every team west of the Rocky Mountains screwing the pooch this year. They've dropped 3 of 5 and it took KC failing on a 2 pt conversion on the last play to avoid losing a game they were favored by 15 1/2 points to win last week. The Steelers have been doing win one lose one since a 5-1 start, and the way Ben Roethlisberger is regressing we should probably all start calling him Benjamin Button.
SUNDAY NIGHT
(5-4) COWBOYS AT (6-3) REDSKINS
Tony Romo and his enchanted pinkie are back for this must-win game against their arch-rivals. The last time we saw the Cowboys, they were getting the graves of their ancestors desecrated by the Giants. They've lost 3 of 4, and the defense has given up 30 or more points in 3 of those games. And one of them was against the Rams. The Rams! My God.
MONDAY NIGHT
(3-6) BROWNS AT (5-4) BILLS
The Cleveland Browns Prime Time Victory Tour hits Buffalo this week. Get your popcorn ready for another night filled with 2 yard runs by Jamal Lewis and certain touchdowns clanking off of Braylon Edwards hands. The Bills have lost 4 of 5 after a 4-0 start, and are on the cusp of irrevocable irrelevance for this year. That 4-0 start included wins over Seattle, Oakland, and St. Louis, who are all 2-8 now. Impressive!
(6-3) JETS AT (6-3) PATRIOTS
Belichick and Mangini face off with first place on the line. The Patriots won the first meeting between these teams in Week 2, but since then the Jets have found their identity, and it is as a bruising running team who plays aggressive and effective defense. Oh, and don't forget the childlike joy that Brett Favre brings to the table. Childlike joy.
The Result
I got to watch 2 primetime NFL games this week, and they were both fantastic, and both came down to the final play of regulation. While the Niners couldn't get it in the end zone against the Cardinals on Monday Night, the Patriots did against the Jets, with Matt Cassel throwing a perfect ball to Randy Moss who pulled it in and dragged his back foot ever so slightly on the pellets of old tires in the end zone turf to tie the game and send it to OT. In overtime though, the Patriots defense had absolutely no way of stopping anything the Jets did. They went right down the field and kicked the game winner. Belichick and Mangini had hot passionate sex at midfield after the game, and the Jets are in first place, and for my money are now the second best team in the AFC.
Final- Jets 34, Patriots 31 OT
Fantasy Heroes- Jets DST 11 pts; Brett Favre QB NYJ 22 pts; Matt Cassel QB NE 42 pts; Thomas Jones RB NYJ 19 pts; Jerricho Cotchery WR NYJ 13 pts Wes Welker WR NE 12 pts; Ben Watson TE NE 13 pts; Jabar Gaffney WR NE 14 pts; Stephen Gostkowski K NE 11 pts
Defensive Stud- Eric Barton LB NYJ 17 tackles; FF
SUNDAY EARLY GAMES
(5-4) BRONCOS AT (6-3) FALCONS
The Broncos are really in first place in the AFC West. It doesn't seem like they should be, because they are bad at pretty much everything besides throwing the ball, but here we are. Atlanta, meanwhile, does a lot of things well, and they probably could hand the ball off to Turner and Norwood 60 times in this game and win. Denver's starting running back today is.....Peyton Hillis! Yeah!
(3-6) TEXANS AT (5-4) COLTS
In the entirety of the Texans futile existence, they are 1-12 against the Colts, and have never ever won in Indy. You all remember the first game between these teams this year right? That was when the Texans were up by 17 and then Bungles Rosenfels started fumbling the ball over the place and the Colts somehow came back and won. Butterfingers and his crew are catching the Colts at a bad time if they want to get victory number 2. Thru the sheer force of Peyton Manning's iron will, and a really really bad game by Ben Roethlisberger, the Colts went into Pittsburgh and got a pretty surprising win last week. This is a game the Colts should win easily, but they haven't made anything look easy all year so we'll see.
(2-7) RAIDERS AT (5-4) DOLPHINS
My sources have given me a preview of a new Wildcat play the Dolphins plan on running this week. I can't reveal very much, but I will reveal that it involves a giant bottle fo seltzer water and a blow up doll.
(6-3) RAVENS AT (8-1) GIANTS
A rematch of that magical Trent Dilfer-Kerry Collins Super Bowl at the dawn of our New Century. Here we are 8 years later, and both of these teams are in contention once again, only this time it's the Giants that will probably do the ass whuppin. Flacco will be missing his best receiver, Derrick Mason, and is going to have to deal with a much more formidable defensive unit than the Texans and Browns ensembles he has depantsed recently. The Giants may have to throw the ball a little more than they'd like to beat the Ravens, but they've certainly shown they can do that too. The Ravens won't get 3 road wins in 3 weeks.
(0-9) LIONS AT (7-2) PANTHERS
I've got a joke for the Lions.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Owen.
Owen who?
Owen Ten.
(5-4) EAGLES AT (1-8) BENGALS
The Eagles will win this game by a lot and everyone will say oh the Eagles are back dur dee dur dee dur, then the next time the Eagles play a decent team, they'll lose because they get stopped at the goal line sometime during the game and come away with 0 or 3 points when they should have gotten 6. Their story has grown tiresome.
(5-4) BEARS AT (4-5) PACKERS
A crisp November day with a Bears/Packers game with playoff implications. Every once in a while, life is good. Life won't be good for the Packers if they can't figure out some way to stop the Bears from running the ball on them, as their run defense is terrible and Matt Forte can exploit that. Of course, the Bears have equal difficulties stopping the pass, and the Packers can exploit that too, but the Bears can use the running game to keep the Packers offense off the field, and that means I like the Bears to win this one.
(4-5) SAINTS AT (1-8) CHIEFS
I hereby crown the Chiefs the best 1-8 team I have ever seen. The Saints are pretty much toast at 4-5 in a division where they are 3 games back of one team and 2 back of 2 others. NOLA hasn't won a game outside of the Superdome all year, and I say they won't start today.
(5-4) VIKINGS AT (6-3) BUCS
An important game for two teams that are going to be fighting for a playoff spot for the remainder of the year. My first instinct is to say that the Vikings one dimension of giving the ball to Adrian Peterson is not enough to beat a Tampa team that can stop the run. But can the Bucs really stop the run? The Chiefs ran for 183 yards on them last time out. The Bears rolled up 158 on them earlier in the year. The Bucs have had some success stopping the run sometimes this year, but not all the time. Whether they have a good day or a bad day in that phase will determine who wins this one.
LATE GAMES
(2-7) RAMS AT (2-7) 49ERS
Mike Singletary's to-do list as interim coach so far reads:
1. Drop pants at halftime- CHECK
2. Send player to the showers during game- CHECK
3. Give bonkers post game press conference after game 1- CHECK
4. Blame second loss on offensive coordinator- CHECK
Now consider that the Rams are even more messed up than the 49ers are. This game could be the Mona Lisa of terrible football.
(6-3) CARDINALS AT (2-7) SEAHAWKS
As much as the other members of the NFC West, who are all 2-7, try to hand the Cardinals their first playoff spot in 10 years on a silver platter, the Cardinals are still the Cardinals, and there's always that bad team gag reflex that results in things like almost losing a game that one of the guys broadcasting was all but telling you to change the channel because it was over. Now they go to Seattle to face a horrible team who is getting their starting QB back. Will they still be horrible? Or will they be upgraded to struggling?
(9-0) TITANS AT (4-5) JAGUARS
Wow this sure feels like a trap game, does it not? I'm not sure if there is a relationship between the 2 events, but I saw Larry Csonka at Costco today buying 48 cases of Cold Duck.
(4-5) CHARGERS AT (6-3) STEELERS
Both of these teams badly need this game. The Chargers are still in the playoff race by the grace of every team west of the Rocky Mountains screwing the pooch this year. They've dropped 3 of 5 and it took KC failing on a 2 pt conversion on the last play to avoid losing a game they were favored by 15 1/2 points to win last week. The Steelers have been doing win one lose one since a 5-1 start, and the way Ben Roethlisberger is regressing we should probably all start calling him Benjamin Button.
SUNDAY NIGHT
(5-4) COWBOYS AT (6-3) REDSKINS
Tony Romo and his enchanted pinkie are back for this must-win game against their arch-rivals. The last time we saw the Cowboys, they were getting the graves of their ancestors desecrated by the Giants. They've lost 3 of 4, and the defense has given up 30 or more points in 3 of those games. And one of them was against the Rams. The Rams! My God.
MONDAY NIGHT
(3-6) BROWNS AT (5-4) BILLS
The Cleveland Browns Prime Time Victory Tour hits Buffalo this week. Get your popcorn ready for another night filled with 2 yard runs by Jamal Lewis and certain touchdowns clanking off of Braylon Edwards hands. The Bills have lost 4 of 5 after a 4-0 start, and are on the cusp of irrevocable irrelevance for this year. That 4-0 start included wins over Seattle, Oakland, and St. Louis, who are all 2-8 now. Impressive!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
pnfm 11/11/08
Answer to Qondaese's nery castillo question
Meet Buck Burnett
NFL Unions and EA Sports tried to own retired players and lost
Jens Lehmann wants to retire as protest to terrible refs
Meet Buck Burnett
NFL Unions and EA Sports tried to own retired players and lost
Jens Lehmann wants to retire as protest to terrible refs
Sunday, November 9, 2008
WEEK 10 NFL
A quick word on college football, since it's that time of year. No major changes in the BCS picture. If it all ended today, we'd still have that riveting Alabama-TT matchup that Patrick speaks about in his excellent PNFM edition that's up now.
Say what you want though, right now both of those teams have earned it. Especially Alabama, who went to Baton Rouge and got a thrilling 27-21 OT victory yesterday. Texas Tech, meanwhile, dealt with prophecies of Trap Game doom pretty easily, blasting Oklahoma State 56-20.
Finally, nobody has to worry about a Big 10 team stinking up the BCS Championship game this year, I don't think. #3 Penn State lost at Iowa 24-23, so that's the end of them.
What your BCS Title game is gonna be, barring some complete goofiness down the stretch, is the Big 12 champ against the SEC Champ. The SEC Champ will either be Alabama or Florida. Who the winner of that SEC title game meets will hinge on who wins the Texas Tech/Oklahoma showdown in Norman next week. If Oklahoma wins, you've got a rock/scissors/paper situation on top of the Big 12 South, where Texas Tech, Oklahoma, and Texas are all tied. Texas Tech will have beaten Texas and lost to Oklahoma. Oklahoma will have beaten Texas Tech and lost to Texas. Texas will have beaten Oklahoma and lost to Texas Tech. I don't know how they are going to break that tie. Probably with a vibrating electric football re-enactment of some sort.
Of course, we already had one game this week. Thanks to the mysterious Thursday Night games that we will be having for the rest of the year. The ones that Sprint is going to be broadcasting on their cell phones. Why anyone would want to attempt to watch a football game on a 5 inch screen with the motion capture capabilities of Austin Powers' video phone from 1997 is beyond me, but I guess that's why I'm not making the big bucks.
THURSDAY NIGHT
(4-4) BRONCOS AT (3-5) BROWNS
A battle of two teams who have disappointed everybody this year. The selling point for this bow wow of a matchup is that it is Brady Quinn's first NFL start, so, if you long for the days when you could watch such fabled Notre Dame signal callers as Rick Mirer and uhhhh, Rick Mirer ply their trade in the pros, your time has finally come.
The Result
Quinn actually has a really good debut. He threw 2 TDs and no picks. Then again, he was playing the Broncos, so let's hold off on fitting him for a yellow jacket. The Browns led this one 23-10 halfway thru the third quarter. Then they decided to stop playing defense. Jay Cutler ends up with 447 yards and 3 TD, and the Broncos come back to embarrass the Browns at home and in front of a TV audience of hundreds watching on the NFL network and on their Sprint cell phones. You know what would be awesome? If just once I could have a week of Fantasy Football where a QB doesn't throw for 400 yards against me. That would be nice.
Final- Broncos 34, Browns 30
Fantasy Heroes- Jay Cutler QB DEN 39 pts; Ryan Torain RB DEN 12 pts; Eddie Royal WR DEN 24 pts; Brandon Marshall WR DEN 14 pts; Daniel Graham TE DEN 11 pts; Brady Quinn QB CLE 21 pts; Jamal Lewis RB CLE 14 pts; Kellen Winslow TE CLE 25 pts; Phil Dawson K CLE 14 pts
Defensive Stud- Wesley Woodyard DEN 10 tackles, 2 for loss
EARLY GAMES
TITANS (8-0) AT BEARS (5-3)
The Setup
Rex Grossman is back at QB for the Bears today. Great. It's like having to go out with your ex-girlfriend again. He probably would have done the Bears a lot more good this year if he were wearing a Vikings uniform.
The Result
It's becoming pretty clear that you won't have to be a great team to win the Super Bowl this year. The Titans proved in this game that if you plan to beat them by just stopping the run, the weathered looking Kerry Collins can do just enough to beat you by himself. The Titans are 9-0, call Mercury Morris, I think they are nearing his block.
Final- Titans 21, Bears 14
Fantasy Heroes: Kerry Collins QB TEN 23 pts; Matt Forte RB CHI 18 pts; Bo Scaife TE TEN 13 pts
Defensive Stud: Cortland Finnegan TEN 1 sack, 3 PD
(3-5) JAGUARS AT (0-8) LIONS
The Setup
Not only is the Jaguars' boat taking on water, it's also caught fire, and there's rats on the ship, with the plague. They lost to one winless team last week, and now have a realistic chance to make it two for two this week. The best thing the Jags have going for them now is that the Lions fired up the flux capacitor and brought Daunte Culpepper back from 2001 to play QB for them this week. If I'm Drew Stanton, I'm not feeling real good about myself right now.
The Result
Congrats to Daunte Culpepper on being the first 350 lb man to play quarterback in the NFL. That knee is OK, until it collapses under his immense girth. Thanks to the Jaguars for sorting out the bottom of the NFL pecking order for us. Bengals better than Lions. Got it. Kevin Smith celebrates the opening of his new film "Zack and Miri Make a Porno" by scoring a TD. Is there a movie out now that either Seth Rogen and/or Elizabeth Banks is NOT in? Are they the villains in the new Bond flick? Probably. They have to be in every movie that's come out this year.
Final- Jaguars 38, Lions 14
Fantasy Heroes: Dave Garrard QB JAX 22 pts; Maurice Jones Drew RB JAX 27 pts; Kevin Smith RB 17 pts; JAX DST 11 pts
Defensive Stud: Daryl Smith JAX 7 tackles, 1 1/2 sacks
(5-3) RAVENS AT (3-5) TEXANS
The Setup
Baltimore's defense has been back to dominating this year, and they've found a nice spark to their offense by adding Joe Flacco and Ray Rice, and subtracting Willis McGahee and Brian Billick. Their 5-3 record may be a little deceiving though. Those 5 wins have come against Cincinnati, Cleveland twice, Oakland, and Miami. Houston is back to Sage Rosenfels on their interchangeable Villano IV and V esque quarterback rotation. They're 3-1 at home, but those wins have also come against bad teams.
The Result
Hmmm. Maybe there is a discernible difference between Schcrub and Sage "Bungles" Rosenfels. Bungles is the one who everytime he plays personally creates at least 3 turnovers. Today he threw 4 INTs, so he exceeded his quota. I demand the Houston Texans begin justifying their existence. Otherwise they are to be banished with the Columbus Blue Jackets and the Charlotte Bobcats to the Island of Misbegotten Teams. I read in some magazine this week that Andre Johnson is the best WR in the NFL. Excuse me, my eyes just rolled into my throat.
Final- Ravens 41, Texans 14
Fantasy Heroes: Willis McGahee RB BAL 25 pts; Todd Heap TE BAL 17 pts; BAL DST 12 pts
Defensive Stud: Ray Lewis BAL 8 tackles, 2 INT
(5-3) BILLS AT (5-3) PATRIOTS
The Setup
A big, big game in the AFC East. The Bills have dropped 3 of 4, and this is a line in the sand game for them. A win, and they'll be around all year, a loss, and they are in big trouble.
The Result
The Bills offense is brutal. What the hell is wrong with Marshawn Lynch? 3.5 yards per carry this year? 3.3 in this game? Get your ugly self together and stop playing like Cedric Benson would ya. Senator Trent Edwards hasn't been any good since he came back from his injury either. The Pats control this game easily behind the running of undrafted free agent Ben-Jarvus Green-Ellis. I anxiously await the Ben-Hur themed photo shoot for ESPN the Magazine that certainly is in his future.
Final- Patriots 20, Bills 10
Fantasy Heroes- BenJarvus Green-Ellis RB NE 18 pts; Wes Welker WR NE 12 pts
Defensive Stud: Ty Warren NE 7 tackles, 1 sack
(4-4) SAINTS AT (5-3) FALCONS
The Setup
Again, another game where we have a team that surprised in the first half, but who we're still kind of wary of. This is certainly the biggest game the Falcons have had this year. It's an even bigger game for the Saints. The NFC South is unforgiving, and a loss here puts them in last by 2 games and probably presents them with an unclimbable mountain to get back in contention. The strength of Atlanta's defense is their pass defense, with NFL sack leader John Abraham. That's a bad matchup for the Saints. The only thing they do well is throw the ball, and if they have problems there, it's going to be a long day for them.
The Result
Matt Ryan is making every highly touted quarterback who came in and played like a boob their rookie year look really, really bad. Speaking of quarterbacks who looked really, really bad, Drew Brees was picked off three times and posted a 66.9 quarterback rating. Unfortunately for anyone who like me was playing against him in Fantasy, he threw the ball 58 times and had over 400 yards and 2 TDs, so I think he also had 66.9 fantasy points. Oh and one of those TDs was a totally extraneous play to Lance Moore on the final snap of the game. I shall make it my business this offseason to invent a better form of fantasy football that is not so fucking retarded.
Final- Falcons 34, Saints 20
Fantasy Heroes: Drew Brees QB NO 27 pts; Matt Ryan QB ATL 21 pts; Michael Turner RB ATL 15 pts; Jerrious Norwood RB ATL 15 pts; Marcus Colston WR NO 16 pts; Lance Moore WR NO 13 pts; Roddy White WR ATL 12 pts
Defensive Stud- Chievous Jackson ATL 3 PD 1 INT
(2-6) SEAHAWKS AT (4-4) DOLPHINS
The Setup
Everyone who is any good at football on Seattle is injured. Now they get what I think is the longest possible flight for a road game in the NFL, going from one corner of the country to the other to face a Dolphins team that is feeling really good about themselves. Miami needs a win to continue ascending up the AFC East standings, Seattle needs this and the rest of their games to hurry up and be over so they can put this steaming turd of a season behind them.
The Result
Add 3 to the Dolphins' total of TDs on goofy trick plays. The first came on a flea flicker bomb to Ted Ginn. The second came on a Wildcat handoff from Ronnie to Ricky. Then came Ronnie Brown running the option as QB and running it in from 20 yards out. They also ran an innovative play where Pennington threw the ball to a guy on the other team, who ran it into the opposite end zone for a TD. There was one more time where they lined up with 2 kickers wearing Sarah Palin masks, and Ricky Williams running an end around on a unicycle. That didn't work so well.
Final- Dolphins 21, Seahawks 19
Fantasy Heroes- Ricky Williams RB MIA 18 pts; Ronnie Brown RB MIA 11 pts; Ted Ginn WR MIA 12 pts; SEA DST 10 pts
Defensive Stud- Channing Crowder MIA 9 tackles, 2 for loss
(4-4) PACKERS AT (4-4) VIKINGS
The Setup
These teams have already met once this year, on the first Monday Night of the season. The Packers won in large part because Tarvaris Jackson had a horrible 16 of 35 game. Tarv Jackson isn't a problem for the Vikings anymore though, so the Packers and their brutally bad run defense are going to have a hard time slowing down Adrian Peterson, who averaged 5.4 yards per carry in that game. All signs point to a Vikings win here.
The Result
Adrian Peterson is putting this Vikings team on his shoulders and saying "Come with me, come with me to the playoffs." The game-winning drive, 7 plays 89 yards. 6 plays, 84 yards were all Adrian Peterson. In the sea of mediocrity that is the NFC North, it says here that the team with the one truly great player is going to be the one that comes out on top, that's the Vikings. Aaron Rodgers threw for 142 yards and took 2 safeties. Why is he getting worse the more he plays instead of better? Right now the QB putting the most points on the board for the Packers is Gus Frerotte, who threw 2 INTs for TDs. Maybe the Vikings offense needs to work on their tackling, I don't know.
Final- Vikings 28, Packers 27
Fantasy Heroes- Packers DST 20 pts; Ryan Grant RB GB 13 pts; Adrian Peterson RB MIN 30 pts; Chester Taylor RB MIN 16 pts
Defensive Stud- Chad Greenway LB MIN 7 tackles, 1 sack
(2-6) RAMS AT (5-3) JETS
The Setup
The Rams' magic Cubby Dust has totally worn off. The Jets are pretty much a lock to be tied for first with either the Bills or Patriots next week, at 6-3. Then they go to New England and Tennessee, where bad things may transpire.
The Result
My God, are the Rams ever making up for those 2 weeks of competence after Haslett took over. Hey Thomas Jones thanks for scoring 3 TDs when you are playing both of my fantasy teams. If the football karma police were doing their job you would have broken both your legs when Mangina kept giving you the ball in the 4th quarter of a 41-3 game.
Final- Jets 47, Rams 3
Fantasy Heroes- Jets DST 18 pts; Thomas Jones RB NYJ 34 pts; Dustin Keller TE NYJ 18 pts
Defensive Stud- Eric Barton LB NYJ 10 tackles, 1/2 sack, Fumble Rec.
LATE GAMES
(4-4) COLTS AT (6-2) STEELERS
If it wasn't for this game, you'd have yourself some prime napping time after the early games end. Unless of course, ending your Sunday with the Oakland Raiders and Brian Baldinger on the mic is your idea of a good time, and I'd much rather be sleeping or in a medically induced coma if need be for that one. The Colts won the first of what I've been told is a series of 9 consecutive must win games last week, a gritty 18-15 win over New England. Pittsburgh hopes to keep themselves alone on top of the AFC North, because those pesky young Ravens, or is it old Ravens? I guess the defense is old and the offense is young) just will not go away.
The Result
OK, if Peyton Manning isn't the MVP of the league this year then they ought to stop giving the award. Without him this year, the Colts are the Bengals. With him, they are somehow 5-4 despite having an offense with a running back that cut by the Raiders, and one viable wide receiver. Marvin Harrison is beyond finished. He has lost 3 steps. He's slower than me. You can see Manning throw the ball at least 5 times a game to where he thinks Marvin is going to be, but Marvin is 1 yard away from there because he's too slow now. Done.
As good as Manning is and was in this game, the Colts don't win if Ben Roethlisberger doesn't stink up the joint. He threw 3 picks, one of which put the Colts in Steelers territory and in position to score the winning TD. They also may not win if rookie DT Eric Foster does not absolutely stonewall Mewelde Moore on 3rd and goal from the 1, causing the Steelers to settle for a field goal and costing them 4 points that would have sent this one to OT.
Final- Colts 24, Steelers 20
Fantasy Heroes: Peyton Manning QB IND 27 pts; Mewelde Moore RB PIT 21 pts; Reggie Wayne WR IND 19 pts; Hines Ward WR PIT 13 pts
Defensive Stud- Dwight Freeney DE IND 2 sacks, FF
(6-2) PANTHERS AT (2-6) RAIDERS
The Raiders will try to rebound from the worst game any team has ever played in any professional sport. Seriously their loss to the Falcons last week was voted as such by a committee specializing in such things, replacing a 37 point loss by the 1985 LA Clippers to the Seattle SuperSonics. If Sebastian Janikowski can kick two field goals, he will replace George Blanda as the Raiders leading all-time scorer, and be presented with George Blanda's head by Al Davis.
The Result
Andrew Walter posts a 31.1 rating. Jake Delhomme posts a 12.3 and gets picked off 4 times. 22 of 61 pass attempts were completed by the teams playing in this ridiculous display that looked like a Week 1 XFL tilt between the San Francisco Demons and the Memphis Maniax or something. All that was missing was the pre-game dash to the emergency room to decide who gets the ball first, and Jesse Ventura threatening to fight one of the coaches from the broadcast booth.
Final- Panthers 17, Raiders 6
Fantasy Heroes- DeAngelo Williams RB CAR 22 pts; CAR DST 13 pts
Defensive Stud- Julius Peppers DE CAR 7 tackles, 3 sacks, 2 FF, 1 PD
(1-7) CHIEFS AT (3-5) CHARGERS
I spent all afternoon trying to place a bet on Bodog.com that the Chiefs would cover the ridiculously big spread on this game. I finally got my account all setup, but then it said that my bank was a "hostile bank" and would not allow me to make a deposit into my Bodog account. Fuck when the Chiefs cover this 15 1/2 point spread, the way I see it Citibank owes me 50 bucks, and I'm going to take it out of their ass. If I could have coupled that 50 bucks with the 40 dollars I earned filling out my Longitudinal Study of American Youth survey this afternoon, I could have retired to Honduras just off of what I made sitting on my ass watching football today. But nooooo.
The Result
The Chiefs tie it on the last play of the game to send it into overtime. Except then Herm decides to go for 2, so it's not tied, and they get stopped. So they lose. The Chargers were this close to being 3-6 and having their season be over. How is a team with that much talent that plays in a division that bad where they get to play the Raiders, Chiefs, and Broncos twice apiece almost 3-6? That's a little ridiculous. Oh and Tyler Thigpen is now the best Fantasy quarterback in the league.
Final- Chargers 20, Chiefs 19
Fantasy Heroes- Tyler Thigpen QB KC 30 pts; Tony Gonzalez TE KC 25 pts; Mark Bradley WR KC 14 pts; Philip Rivers QB SD 24 pts; Malcolm Floyd WR SD 13 pts; Antonio Gates TE SD 12 pts
Defensive Stud- Quentin Jammer SD 4 tackles, 3 PD
SUNDAY NIGHT
(7-1) GIANTS AT (5-3) EAGLES
Among more bets I would make if I could, I would bet on the Giants to win and cover, I would bet the over on number of times McNabb shows up his receivers making frustrated gestures at them after incompletions, and the over on the times Madden calls McNabb "a warrior" or some other retarded superlative.
The Result
The Eagles are now 0-3 against their own division, with 2 of those losses coming at home. Somebody explain to me why everyone is opening their veins over the Cowboys being 5-4 despite not having a quarterback this year, but the Eagles are still seen as an elite team when they are also 5-4 and can't beat anyone who is any good. I no understand. Anywho, Hank Baskett and Kendra Wilkinson are getting married, and Hef is having the wedding at the Playboy Mansion. That is why Hugh Hefner has the biggest balls of anyone who has ever walked the Earth. Now he's in Hank Baskett's head for life, while Hef just finds another 20 year old piece of hotttness to play with his old balls.
Final- Giants 36, Eagles 31
Fantasy Heroes: Brandon Jacobs RB NYG 26 pts; Kevin Boss TE NYG 12 pts; Donovan McNabb QB PHI 27 pts; DeSean Jackson WR PHI 14 pts
Defensive Stud- None
MONDAY NIGHT
(2-6) 49ERS AT (5-3) CARDINALS
Is this a flex game? Did they change the schedule so that we may actually all get to see Singletary's head explode on live prime time national television? I can't figure out any other way the 49ers would be on Monday Night Football.
The Result
Tony Kornheiser told me the game was over with 2 minutes left, but I kept watching anyway. Because even though it is not my job to know these things, I know that Arizona cannot run the ball and thus cannot ever run out the clock on anything. And what to my wondering eyes do I see but the Niners having a chance to win it on the last play of the game from the goal line. There is a quick restart after a Booty Review, and the Niners give it to their backup running back, who gives us a Jones-Drew special where he plunges into the line with his eyes closed for no gain. Game over. After the game, Singletary, accompanied by the "I Didn't Do It" Dancers, blames the play call on Martz.
Final- Cardinals 29, 49ers 24
Fantasy Heroes: Josh Morgan WR SF 11 pts; Kurt Warner QB AZ 32 pts; Steve Breaston WR AZ 14 pts; Anquan Boldin WR AZ 22 pts
Defensive Stud- Karlos Dansby 1o tackles, 2 PD, INT
Say what you want though, right now both of those teams have earned it. Especially Alabama, who went to Baton Rouge and got a thrilling 27-21 OT victory yesterday. Texas Tech, meanwhile, dealt with prophecies of Trap Game doom pretty easily, blasting Oklahoma State 56-20.
Finally, nobody has to worry about a Big 10 team stinking up the BCS Championship game this year, I don't think. #3 Penn State lost at Iowa 24-23, so that's the end of them.
What your BCS Title game is gonna be, barring some complete goofiness down the stretch, is the Big 12 champ against the SEC Champ. The SEC Champ will either be Alabama or Florida. Who the winner of that SEC title game meets will hinge on who wins the Texas Tech/Oklahoma showdown in Norman next week. If Oklahoma wins, you've got a rock/scissors/paper situation on top of the Big 12 South, where Texas Tech, Oklahoma, and Texas are all tied. Texas Tech will have beaten Texas and lost to Oklahoma. Oklahoma will have beaten Texas Tech and lost to Texas. Texas will have beaten Oklahoma and lost to Texas Tech. I don't know how they are going to break that tie. Probably with a vibrating electric football re-enactment of some sort.
Of course, we already had one game this week. Thanks to the mysterious Thursday Night games that we will be having for the rest of the year. The ones that Sprint is going to be broadcasting on their cell phones. Why anyone would want to attempt to watch a football game on a 5 inch screen with the motion capture capabilities of Austin Powers' video phone from 1997 is beyond me, but I guess that's why I'm not making the big bucks.
THURSDAY NIGHT
(4-4) BRONCOS AT (3-5) BROWNS
A battle of two teams who have disappointed everybody this year. The selling point for this bow wow of a matchup is that it is Brady Quinn's first NFL start, so, if you long for the days when you could watch such fabled Notre Dame signal callers as Rick Mirer and uhhhh, Rick Mirer ply their trade in the pros, your time has finally come.
The Result
Quinn actually has a really good debut. He threw 2 TDs and no picks. Then again, he was playing the Broncos, so let's hold off on fitting him for a yellow jacket. The Browns led this one 23-10 halfway thru the third quarter. Then they decided to stop playing defense. Jay Cutler ends up with 447 yards and 3 TD, and the Broncos come back to embarrass the Browns at home and in front of a TV audience of hundreds watching on the NFL network and on their Sprint cell phones. You know what would be awesome? If just once I could have a week of Fantasy Football where a QB doesn't throw for 400 yards against me. That would be nice.
Final- Broncos 34, Browns 30
Fantasy Heroes- Jay Cutler QB DEN 39 pts; Ryan Torain RB DEN 12 pts; Eddie Royal WR DEN 24 pts; Brandon Marshall WR DEN 14 pts; Daniel Graham TE DEN 11 pts; Brady Quinn QB CLE 21 pts; Jamal Lewis RB CLE 14 pts; Kellen Winslow TE CLE 25 pts; Phil Dawson K CLE 14 pts
Defensive Stud- Wesley Woodyard DEN 10 tackles, 2 for loss
EARLY GAMES
TITANS (8-0) AT BEARS (5-3)
The Setup
Rex Grossman is back at QB for the Bears today. Great. It's like having to go out with your ex-girlfriend again. He probably would have done the Bears a lot more good this year if he were wearing a Vikings uniform.
The Result
It's becoming pretty clear that you won't have to be a great team to win the Super Bowl this year. The Titans proved in this game that if you plan to beat them by just stopping the run, the weathered looking Kerry Collins can do just enough to beat you by himself. The Titans are 9-0, call Mercury Morris, I think they are nearing his block.
Final- Titans 21, Bears 14
Fantasy Heroes: Kerry Collins QB TEN 23 pts; Matt Forte RB CHI 18 pts; Bo Scaife TE TEN 13 pts
Defensive Stud: Cortland Finnegan TEN 1 sack, 3 PD
(3-5) JAGUARS AT (0-8) LIONS
The Setup
Not only is the Jaguars' boat taking on water, it's also caught fire, and there's rats on the ship, with the plague. They lost to one winless team last week, and now have a realistic chance to make it two for two this week. The best thing the Jags have going for them now is that the Lions fired up the flux capacitor and brought Daunte Culpepper back from 2001 to play QB for them this week. If I'm Drew Stanton, I'm not feeling real good about myself right now.
The Result
Congrats to Daunte Culpepper on being the first 350 lb man to play quarterback in the NFL. That knee is OK, until it collapses under his immense girth. Thanks to the Jaguars for sorting out the bottom of the NFL pecking order for us. Bengals better than Lions. Got it. Kevin Smith celebrates the opening of his new film "Zack and Miri Make a Porno" by scoring a TD. Is there a movie out now that either Seth Rogen and/or Elizabeth Banks is NOT in? Are they the villains in the new Bond flick? Probably. They have to be in every movie that's come out this year.
Final- Jaguars 38, Lions 14
Fantasy Heroes: Dave Garrard QB JAX 22 pts; Maurice Jones Drew RB JAX 27 pts; Kevin Smith RB 17 pts; JAX DST 11 pts
Defensive Stud: Daryl Smith JAX 7 tackles, 1 1/2 sacks
(5-3) RAVENS AT (3-5) TEXANS
The Setup
Baltimore's defense has been back to dominating this year, and they've found a nice spark to their offense by adding Joe Flacco and Ray Rice, and subtracting Willis McGahee and Brian Billick. Their 5-3 record may be a little deceiving though. Those 5 wins have come against Cincinnati, Cleveland twice, Oakland, and Miami. Houston is back to Sage Rosenfels on their interchangeable Villano IV and V esque quarterback rotation. They're 3-1 at home, but those wins have also come against bad teams.
The Result
Hmmm. Maybe there is a discernible difference between Schcrub and Sage "Bungles" Rosenfels. Bungles is the one who everytime he plays personally creates at least 3 turnovers. Today he threw 4 INTs, so he exceeded his quota. I demand the Houston Texans begin justifying their existence. Otherwise they are to be banished with the Columbus Blue Jackets and the Charlotte Bobcats to the Island of Misbegotten Teams. I read in some magazine this week that Andre Johnson is the best WR in the NFL. Excuse me, my eyes just rolled into my throat.
Final- Ravens 41, Texans 14
Fantasy Heroes: Willis McGahee RB BAL 25 pts; Todd Heap TE BAL 17 pts; BAL DST 12 pts
Defensive Stud: Ray Lewis BAL 8 tackles, 2 INT
(5-3) BILLS AT (5-3) PATRIOTS
The Setup
A big, big game in the AFC East. The Bills have dropped 3 of 4, and this is a line in the sand game for them. A win, and they'll be around all year, a loss, and they are in big trouble.
The Result
The Bills offense is brutal. What the hell is wrong with Marshawn Lynch? 3.5 yards per carry this year? 3.3 in this game? Get your ugly self together and stop playing like Cedric Benson would ya. Senator Trent Edwards hasn't been any good since he came back from his injury either. The Pats control this game easily behind the running of undrafted free agent Ben-Jarvus Green-Ellis. I anxiously await the Ben-Hur themed photo shoot for ESPN the Magazine that certainly is in his future.
Final- Patriots 20, Bills 10
Fantasy Heroes- BenJarvus Green-Ellis RB NE 18 pts; Wes Welker WR NE 12 pts
Defensive Stud: Ty Warren NE 7 tackles, 1 sack
(4-4) SAINTS AT (5-3) FALCONS
The Setup
Again, another game where we have a team that surprised in the first half, but who we're still kind of wary of. This is certainly the biggest game the Falcons have had this year. It's an even bigger game for the Saints. The NFC South is unforgiving, and a loss here puts them in last by 2 games and probably presents them with an unclimbable mountain to get back in contention. The strength of Atlanta's defense is their pass defense, with NFL sack leader John Abraham. That's a bad matchup for the Saints. The only thing they do well is throw the ball, and if they have problems there, it's going to be a long day for them.
The Result
Matt Ryan is making every highly touted quarterback who came in and played like a boob their rookie year look really, really bad. Speaking of quarterbacks who looked really, really bad, Drew Brees was picked off three times and posted a 66.9 quarterback rating. Unfortunately for anyone who like me was playing against him in Fantasy, he threw the ball 58 times and had over 400 yards and 2 TDs, so I think he also had 66.9 fantasy points. Oh and one of those TDs was a totally extraneous play to Lance Moore on the final snap of the game. I shall make it my business this offseason to invent a better form of fantasy football that is not so fucking retarded.
Final- Falcons 34, Saints 20
Fantasy Heroes: Drew Brees QB NO 27 pts; Matt Ryan QB ATL 21 pts; Michael Turner RB ATL 15 pts; Jerrious Norwood RB ATL 15 pts; Marcus Colston WR NO 16 pts; Lance Moore WR NO 13 pts; Roddy White WR ATL 12 pts
Defensive Stud- Chievous Jackson ATL 3 PD 1 INT
(2-6) SEAHAWKS AT (4-4) DOLPHINS
The Setup
Everyone who is any good at football on Seattle is injured. Now they get what I think is the longest possible flight for a road game in the NFL, going from one corner of the country to the other to face a Dolphins team that is feeling really good about themselves. Miami needs a win to continue ascending up the AFC East standings, Seattle needs this and the rest of their games to hurry up and be over so they can put this steaming turd of a season behind them.
The Result
Add 3 to the Dolphins' total of TDs on goofy trick plays. The first came on a flea flicker bomb to Ted Ginn. The second came on a Wildcat handoff from Ronnie to Ricky. Then came Ronnie Brown running the option as QB and running it in from 20 yards out. They also ran an innovative play where Pennington threw the ball to a guy on the other team, who ran it into the opposite end zone for a TD. There was one more time where they lined up with 2 kickers wearing Sarah Palin masks, and Ricky Williams running an end around on a unicycle. That didn't work so well.
Final- Dolphins 21, Seahawks 19
Fantasy Heroes- Ricky Williams RB MIA 18 pts; Ronnie Brown RB MIA 11 pts; Ted Ginn WR MIA 12 pts; SEA DST 10 pts
Defensive Stud- Channing Crowder MIA 9 tackles, 2 for loss
(4-4) PACKERS AT (4-4) VIKINGS
The Setup
These teams have already met once this year, on the first Monday Night of the season. The Packers won in large part because Tarvaris Jackson had a horrible 16 of 35 game. Tarv Jackson isn't a problem for the Vikings anymore though, so the Packers and their brutally bad run defense are going to have a hard time slowing down Adrian Peterson, who averaged 5.4 yards per carry in that game. All signs point to a Vikings win here.
The Result
Adrian Peterson is putting this Vikings team on his shoulders and saying "Come with me, come with me to the playoffs." The game-winning drive, 7 plays 89 yards. 6 plays, 84 yards were all Adrian Peterson. In the sea of mediocrity that is the NFC North, it says here that the team with the one truly great player is going to be the one that comes out on top, that's the Vikings. Aaron Rodgers threw for 142 yards and took 2 safeties. Why is he getting worse the more he plays instead of better? Right now the QB putting the most points on the board for the Packers is Gus Frerotte, who threw 2 INTs for TDs. Maybe the Vikings offense needs to work on their tackling, I don't know.
Final- Vikings 28, Packers 27
Fantasy Heroes- Packers DST 20 pts; Ryan Grant RB GB 13 pts; Adrian Peterson RB MIN 30 pts; Chester Taylor RB MIN 16 pts
Defensive Stud- Chad Greenway LB MIN 7 tackles, 1 sack
(2-6) RAMS AT (5-3) JETS
The Setup
The Rams' magic Cubby Dust has totally worn off. The Jets are pretty much a lock to be tied for first with either the Bills or Patriots next week, at 6-3. Then they go to New England and Tennessee, where bad things may transpire.
The Result
My God, are the Rams ever making up for those 2 weeks of competence after Haslett took over. Hey Thomas Jones thanks for scoring 3 TDs when you are playing both of my fantasy teams. If the football karma police were doing their job you would have broken both your legs when Mangina kept giving you the ball in the 4th quarter of a 41-3 game.
Final- Jets 47, Rams 3
Fantasy Heroes- Jets DST 18 pts; Thomas Jones RB NYJ 34 pts; Dustin Keller TE NYJ 18 pts
Defensive Stud- Eric Barton LB NYJ 10 tackles, 1/2 sack, Fumble Rec.
LATE GAMES
(4-4) COLTS AT (6-2) STEELERS
If it wasn't for this game, you'd have yourself some prime napping time after the early games end. Unless of course, ending your Sunday with the Oakland Raiders and Brian Baldinger on the mic is your idea of a good time, and I'd much rather be sleeping or in a medically induced coma if need be for that one. The Colts won the first of what I've been told is a series of 9 consecutive must win games last week, a gritty 18-15 win over New England. Pittsburgh hopes to keep themselves alone on top of the AFC North, because those pesky young Ravens, or is it old Ravens? I guess the defense is old and the offense is young) just will not go away.
The Result
OK, if Peyton Manning isn't the MVP of the league this year then they ought to stop giving the award. Without him this year, the Colts are the Bengals. With him, they are somehow 5-4 despite having an offense with a running back that cut by the Raiders, and one viable wide receiver. Marvin Harrison is beyond finished. He has lost 3 steps. He's slower than me. You can see Manning throw the ball at least 5 times a game to where he thinks Marvin is going to be, but Marvin is 1 yard away from there because he's too slow now. Done.
As good as Manning is and was in this game, the Colts don't win if Ben Roethlisberger doesn't stink up the joint. He threw 3 picks, one of which put the Colts in Steelers territory and in position to score the winning TD. They also may not win if rookie DT Eric Foster does not absolutely stonewall Mewelde Moore on 3rd and goal from the 1, causing the Steelers to settle for a field goal and costing them 4 points that would have sent this one to OT.
Final- Colts 24, Steelers 20
Fantasy Heroes: Peyton Manning QB IND 27 pts; Mewelde Moore RB PIT 21 pts; Reggie Wayne WR IND 19 pts; Hines Ward WR PIT 13 pts
Defensive Stud- Dwight Freeney DE IND 2 sacks, FF
(6-2) PANTHERS AT (2-6) RAIDERS
The Raiders will try to rebound from the worst game any team has ever played in any professional sport. Seriously their loss to the Falcons last week was voted as such by a committee specializing in such things, replacing a 37 point loss by the 1985 LA Clippers to the Seattle SuperSonics. If Sebastian Janikowski can kick two field goals, he will replace George Blanda as the Raiders leading all-time scorer, and be presented with George Blanda's head by Al Davis.
The Result
Andrew Walter posts a 31.1 rating. Jake Delhomme posts a 12.3 and gets picked off 4 times. 22 of 61 pass attempts were completed by the teams playing in this ridiculous display that looked like a Week 1 XFL tilt between the San Francisco Demons and the Memphis Maniax or something. All that was missing was the pre-game dash to the emergency room to decide who gets the ball first, and Jesse Ventura threatening to fight one of the coaches from the broadcast booth.
Final- Panthers 17, Raiders 6
Fantasy Heroes- DeAngelo Williams RB CAR 22 pts; CAR DST 13 pts
Defensive Stud- Julius Peppers DE CAR 7 tackles, 3 sacks, 2 FF, 1 PD
(1-7) CHIEFS AT (3-5) CHARGERS
I spent all afternoon trying to place a bet on Bodog.com that the Chiefs would cover the ridiculously big spread on this game. I finally got my account all setup, but then it said that my bank was a "hostile bank" and would not allow me to make a deposit into my Bodog account. Fuck when the Chiefs cover this 15 1/2 point spread, the way I see it Citibank owes me 50 bucks, and I'm going to take it out of their ass. If I could have coupled that 50 bucks with the 40 dollars I earned filling out my Longitudinal Study of American Youth survey this afternoon, I could have retired to Honduras just off of what I made sitting on my ass watching football today. But nooooo.
The Result
The Chiefs tie it on the last play of the game to send it into overtime. Except then Herm decides to go for 2, so it's not tied, and they get stopped. So they lose. The Chargers were this close to being 3-6 and having their season be over. How is a team with that much talent that plays in a division that bad where they get to play the Raiders, Chiefs, and Broncos twice apiece almost 3-6? That's a little ridiculous. Oh and Tyler Thigpen is now the best Fantasy quarterback in the league.
Final- Chargers 20, Chiefs 19
Fantasy Heroes- Tyler Thigpen QB KC 30 pts; Tony Gonzalez TE KC 25 pts; Mark Bradley WR KC 14 pts; Philip Rivers QB SD 24 pts; Malcolm Floyd WR SD 13 pts; Antonio Gates TE SD 12 pts
Defensive Stud- Quentin Jammer SD 4 tackles, 3 PD
SUNDAY NIGHT
(7-1) GIANTS AT (5-3) EAGLES
Among more bets I would make if I could, I would bet on the Giants to win and cover, I would bet the over on number of times McNabb shows up his receivers making frustrated gestures at them after incompletions, and the over on the times Madden calls McNabb "a warrior" or some other retarded superlative.
The Result
The Eagles are now 0-3 against their own division, with 2 of those losses coming at home. Somebody explain to me why everyone is opening their veins over the Cowboys being 5-4 despite not having a quarterback this year, but the Eagles are still seen as an elite team when they are also 5-4 and can't beat anyone who is any good. I no understand. Anywho, Hank Baskett and Kendra Wilkinson are getting married, and Hef is having the wedding at the Playboy Mansion. That is why Hugh Hefner has the biggest balls of anyone who has ever walked the Earth. Now he's in Hank Baskett's head for life, while Hef just finds another 20 year old piece of hotttness to play with his old balls.
Final- Giants 36, Eagles 31
Fantasy Heroes: Brandon Jacobs RB NYG 26 pts; Kevin Boss TE NYG 12 pts; Donovan McNabb QB PHI 27 pts; DeSean Jackson WR PHI 14 pts
Defensive Stud- None
MONDAY NIGHT
(2-6) 49ERS AT (5-3) CARDINALS
Is this a flex game? Did they change the schedule so that we may actually all get to see Singletary's head explode on live prime time national television? I can't figure out any other way the 49ers would be on Monday Night Football.
The Result
Tony Kornheiser told me the game was over with 2 minutes left, but I kept watching anyway. Because even though it is not my job to know these things, I know that Arizona cannot run the ball and thus cannot ever run out the clock on anything. And what to my wondering eyes do I see but the Niners having a chance to win it on the last play of the game from the goal line. There is a quick restart after a Booty Review, and the Niners give it to their backup running back, who gives us a Jones-Drew special where he plunges into the line with his eyes closed for no gain. Game over. After the game, Singletary, accompanied by the "I Didn't Do It" Dancers, blames the play call on Martz.
Final- Cardinals 29, 49ers 24
Fantasy Heroes: Josh Morgan WR SF 11 pts; Kurt Warner QB AZ 32 pts; Steve Breaston WR AZ 14 pts; Anquan Boldin WR AZ 22 pts
Defensive Stud- Karlos Dansby 1o tackles, 2 PD, INT
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Mr. Football's NFL BCS Poll Thru Week 9
BOIIII OIIIII OIIII OIIINGGGG!!
1. GIANTS
2. TITANS
3. EAGLES
4. STEELERS
5. JETS
6. COWBOYS
7. RAVENS
8. BEARS
9. PANTHERS
10. VIKINGS
11. SAINTS
12. BUCS
13. CARDINALS
14. COLTS
15. REDSKINS
16. PACKERS
17. CHARGERS
18. DOLPHINS
19. FALCONS
20. BILLS
21. 49ERS
22. BRONCOS
23. TEXANS
24. PATRIOTS
25. SEAHAWKS
26. JAGUARS
27. BROWNS
28. RAIDERS
29. CHIEFS
30. BENGALS
31. LIONS
32. RAMS
1. GIANTS
2. TITANS
3. EAGLES
4. STEELERS
5. JETS
6. COWBOYS
7. RAVENS
8. BEARS
9. PANTHERS
10. VIKINGS
11. SAINTS
12. BUCS
13. CARDINALS
14. COLTS
15. REDSKINS
16. PACKERS
17. CHARGERS
18. DOLPHINS
19. FALCONS
20. BILLS
21. 49ERS
22. BRONCOS
23. TEXANS
24. PATRIOTS
25. SEAHAWKS
26. JAGUARS
27. BROWNS
28. RAIDERS
29. CHIEFS
30. BENGALS
31. LIONS
32. RAMS
Monday, November 3, 2008
pnfm 11/03/08
a great bcs title game set up and how to keep it
beckham is not selfish
daunte is like michael jackson
fergie needs viagra
beckham is not selfish
daunte is like michael jackson
fergie needs viagra
Saturday, November 1, 2008
NFL Week 9
EARLY GAMES
JETS (4-3) AT BILLS (5-2)
The Line: Bills -5
The Setup
It's Saturday Night, and so far this week I don't think any more members of Brett Favre's Fave Five have been revealed, so there's a little less drama surrounding the Jets than there has been recently. The Jets since their bye week have been squaring off with awesome teams like the Raiders, Bengals, and Chiefs, and really should have lost 2 of those (they won 2, but the Chiefs outplayed them last week). The Bills followed up a feel-good home win over the Chargers with an ugly loss to the Dolphins that saw their secondary get scorched by Chad Pennington and Ted Ginn Jr. That could mean Favre has a big day, and if the Jets defense continues to play like its been playing (8th overall in yards allowed), the AFC East could get a lot tighter.
The Result
For the fifth time this year, the Jets defense held their opponent to under 50 yards rushing. That's pretty bad ass. I've been a Jets hater all year, but that's only because any time Brett Favre's name is even mentioned on my TV I go into convulsions. If they win because of their defense and their running game, which is exactly what they are doing, that's fine by me. Speaking of Favre, he threw one TD pass in this game, to the other team. He and Matt Millen will have to hug it out back at Matt Millen's ranch on a tractor built for two this week. As for the Bills, 4-0 turned to 5-3 really fast, and next week they go to Foxboro. And there is something wrong with Marshawn Lynch. I don't know what, but something.
Final- Jets 26, Bills 17
Fantasy Heroes- Jets DST 19 pts; Thomas Jones RB NYJ 15 pts
Defensive Stud- Kris Jenkins NYJ 5 Tackles, 2 Sacks
(3-4) JAGUARS AT (0-8) BENGALS
The Line: Jaguars -7 1/2
The Setup
The Jaguars get the 0-8 Bengals this week and the 0-7 Lions next week, so if they don't get their shit together here, I don't know what to tell you. If they are not 5-4 two weeks from now it's time to start firing people.
The Result
Things have officially reached Defcon 5 in Jacksonville, or Defcon 1, whatever Defcon is the worst Defcon. A loss to the winless Bengals has brought to the forefront what's been evident about this team all season, that they are an underachieving mess that would embarrass Al Davis. Jack Del Rio has taken such drastic measures such as rearranging the locker room and removing all the TVs, and sending linebacker Mike Peterson home from practice in the continuation of a spat that began when Peterson did a Lex Luger posedown after a sack with his team down 21-3 to the Bengals. All these things are nice first steps, a nice second step would be to tell Maurice Jones Drew to start opening his eyes when he gets a handoff, and perhaps think about NOT running 70 miles an hour right into his offensive line every time.
Yay for the Bengals and their first win. TJ Houshmandzadeh knew it was coming, he said leading up to the game, “We’re 0-8, but I think we’re a good 0-8 team, if that’s possible." To answer your question TJ, no, that's not possible.
Final- Bengals 21, Jaguars 19
Fantasy Heroes- Chad Johnson WR CIN 15 pts; Cedric Benson RB CIN 16 pts; JAX DST 12 pts; Maurice Jones Drew RB JAX 11 pts
Defensive Stud- James Joseph CIN 15 tackles, 2 PD
(4-3) RAVENS AT (3-4) BROWNS
The Line: Browns -1 1/2
The Setup
This is already the second time these two teams have played this year. The first meeting came when people still thought the Browns were good. A 21 point second quarter for the Ravens dropped the Browns to 0-2, and then everybody knew they weren't good. The Ravens ran it 44 times for 151 yards in that game, but last week they gave the Browns a lot to think about by running some goofy Wildcat stuff in a win over the Raiders. This is a big game for both teams. The Browns can get back into the playoff race for real with a win here, and the Ravens can make it 3 in a row and give themselves some breathing room in the wild card race.
The Result
Midway thru the 3rd quarter, the Browns were up 27-13, looking like they were going to get to 4-4 and set up for a second half playoff run. Next thing they knew, they were 3-5, their fans were screaming at them, and they've benched their quarterback. Brady Quinn should be the answer to all the Browns problems. It is totally Derek Anderson's fault that Braylon Edwards dropped another TD pass, Ray Rice rushed for 153 yards, and Derrick Mason had 9 catches for 136 yards. But, Derek Anderson seems to be the sacrifice the Island demanded, so here we are.
Final- Ravens 37, Browns 27
Fantasy Heroes- Ray Rice RB BAL 19 pts; Derek Mason WR BAL 21 pts; Joe Flacco QB BAL 21 pts; Mark or Michael Clayton WR BAL 14 pts; Braylon Edwards WR CLE 14 pts; Matt Stover K BAL 13 pts; Phil Dawson K CLE 11 pts
Defensive Stud- Terrell Suggs BAL, INT for TD
Go Get Em, Doofus
(3-4) TEXANS AT (3-4) VIKINGS
The Line: Vikings -5
(0-7) LIONS AT (4-3) BEARS
The Line: Bears -12 1/2
The Setup
These teams already met once this year, in Detroit, and the Bears beat the Lions by like 100 points. That doesn't bode very well for the Lions today. They did sign Daunte Culpepper to a two year contract this week though, so if you couple that with their addition of Rudi Johnson earlier this year, all they need now is a time machine that will make it 2004 and they should be able to do some damage.
The Result
It got ugly for the Bears for a while there. They gave 3 TDs in one quarter, to the Lions. They trailed by 10, their quarterback went down with a bad looking injury, the fans were booing, and Rex the Wonder Puppy comes bouncing onto the field. All of a sudden this pleasantly surprising season the Bears are having started to look like it was taking a very unpleasant turn. But the Lions being the Lions, they found a way to send the home fans happy (as long as they aren't their own home fans, of course). The Bears get the win and are all alone on top of the NFC North at the season's halfway mark, and Orton's injury reportedly isn't as bad as it looked like it might be, so if you're the Bears, you kind of just want to put this one behind you and move on to trying to knock off the Titans this weekend.
Final- Bears 27, Lions 23
Fantasy Heroes: Dan Orlovsky QB DET 21 pts; Kevin Smith RB DET 10 pts; Matt Forte RB CHI 14 pts; Calvin Johnson WR DET 15 pts; Shaun McDonald WR DET 12 pts; Rashied Davis WR CHI 12 pts
Defensive Stud: Lance Briggs CHI 10 tackles, FF
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
(5-3) BUCS AT (1-6) CHIEFS
The Line: Bucs -9
The Setup
The Chiefs got into the Halloween spirit a week early when they emerged from their sarcophogus and threw a scare into the Jets last week. What is really horrifying though, is the KC run defense, which has given up 197 yards a game this year. That should be a good thing for a Bucs team that could not get anything going at Dallas last week.
The Result
I remember watching this game on the Ticket, and when the Chiefs went up 24-3 the broadcaster doing the game said, "The rout is on". I was like, "Aaaaaaaah I bet not amigo". When you're on a 1-16 run, you have to be up 42-3 before "the rout is on". Wasn't it Herm that said, "You play the games to win the games"? Why exactly are the Chiefs playing these games right now then? I remember watching this game on the Ticket, and when the Chiefs went up 24-3 the broadcaster doing the game said, "The rout is on". I was like, "Aaaaaaaah I bet not amigo". When you're on a 1-16 run, you have to be up 42-3 before "the rout is on".
A loss is a loss is a loss, but on the bright side, in the last two weeks the Chiefs have given two potential playoff teams all they can handle, and Tyler Thigpen has looked like one of the better young quarterbacks in the league. they've done all this without Larry Johnson. LJ is supposed to be back this week, but if I'm Herm I tell Larry that he can go spend the next couple of months punching women in the face if he wants because the Chiefs really do not need him and his perpetual sourpuss right now. They can go right on losing every week without him by less than they'd lose by with him.
Final- Bucs 30, Chiefs 27 OT
Fantasy Heroes- Jeff Garcia QB TB 20 pts; Jamaal Charles RB KC 11 pts; Kolby Smith RB KC 10 pts; Antonio Bryant WR TB 19 pts; Tyler Thigpen QB KC 21 pts
Defensive Stud- Barret Ruud TB 13 tackles, 1 sack
(4-3) CARDINALS AT (2-5) RAMS
The Line: Cardinals -3
The Setup
I said earlier that a 3-5 record is a death sentence for MOST of the NFC. Not for the Rams or any other NFC West team though. There, you can start printing playoff tickets at 3-5. The Cardinals get another chance to salt this division away this week, after failing to do so when they fell apart after leading at Carolina 17-3 last week.
The Result
Me and my brother went balls out for the Rams this week. We picked up Donnie Avery for the fantasy team, and the Rams defense. Few teams had been playing better of late and we were going to turn this to our advantage. We even painted swirly lines on the side of our heads. Then the Rams go out and get sat on by the Cardinals. Oops. Making things worse, the team we were playing against was comprised almost entirely of Arizona Cardinals. Even Steve Breaston. I've about had it with Fantasy Football.
Final- Cardinals 34, Rams 13
Fantasy Heroes- AZ DST 14 pts; Kurt Warner QB AZ 31 pts; Tim Hightower RB AZ 18 pts; Anquan Boldin WR AZ 14 pts; Derek Stanley WR STL 14 pts; Torry Holt WR STL 11 pts
Defensive Stud- Antrelle Rolle AZ INT for TD
(4-3) PACKERS AT (7-0) TITANS
The Line: Titans -4 1/2
The Setup
If you look at each NFL weekend like a WWE pay per view, as I always do, this game's not bad as a curtain jerker leading up to the double main event of Giants-Cowboys and Patriots-Colts. Green Bay is coming off a bye week, and the Titans are coming off a hard fought Monday Night win over the Colts that pretty much locked up a playoff berth for them. If the Titans are ever going to have a letdown, this seems like a likely time for it.
The Result
Well actually, this game turned out to be the Main Event of the weekend. Both of these teams played to their strengths, with the Titans pounding it with LenDale White and Chris Johnson, and the Packers able to gash the Titans secondary for some big pass plays. The game went into OT when Rob Bironas missed a long FG at the end of regulation. The Titans won the flip and got a big pass play to Johnson, and this time Bironas nailed the FG attempt to end it. A really good football game.
Final- Titans 19, Packers 16 OT
Fantasy Heroes- Aaron Rodgers QB GB 23 pts; Chris Johnson RB TEN 21 pts; Donald Driver WR GB 19 pts
Defensive Stud- Jacob Ford TEN 2 sacks, FF
LATE GAMES
(3-4) DOLPHINS AT (4-3) BRONCOS
Broncos -4 1/2
The Setup
It feels like the Broncos haven't won since our whole economy went Communist. Actually, they have won one game recently, but only one. After a 3-0 start they've lost 3 of 4, culminating in a 41-7 kick in the balls from the Patriots last week. Lucky for them, they still hold a 1 1/2 game lead in the AFC West. The Dolphins beat the Bills pretty convincingly last week, and can put themselves squarely in the playoff picture with a win in Denver today.
The Result
The Broncos lose and it leads to a fiesta of quotes involving Brandon Marshall, who was upset that he had only 2 catches for 27 yards.
- Brandon Marshall on Jay Cutler's interpretation of defenses: "When the quarterback sees 1-high or cover-1 (coverage), he’s got to be on the same page as me and get the ball to me But it’s a team game, and oh, well.”
-Brandon Marshall on Dolphins WR Greg Camarillo who had 111 yards against the Denver secondary: "“I mean, I don’t even know that (Miami) receiver’s name who caught all those balls."
- Brandon Marshall on the Broncos game plan: "“I mean, when I look at it, it’s common sense. If I was a receiver going against our defense and they’re stacking the box and we’re playing a 1-high defense and eight in the box, and the DBs are 10 yards off of me, I’m going to catch 10, 12 balls a game."
-Joey Porter on Brandon Marshall: “He’s one of those soft receivers, where he has to have the ball all the time. If he don’t get it, he’s going to mope and cry. He did it to himself.”
Final- Dolphins 26, Broncos 17
Fantasy Heroes: Dolphins DST 13 pts; Ronnie Brown RB MIA 14 pts; Jay Cutler QB DEN 27 pts; Greg Camarillo WR MIA 13 pts; Peyton Hillis RB DEN 19 pts; Eddie Royal WR DEN 12 pts; Dan Carpenter K MIA 14 pts
Defensive Stud: Will Allen MIA 1 INT for TD, 1,000,000 frustration points on Brandon Marshall
(5-3) COWBOYS AT (6-1) GIANTS
Giants -9
The Setup
Dallas pulled it together and grinded out a win at home against Tampa last week, even though their offense looked largely inept. This week the Cowboys will be without Jason Witten, and if Brad Johnson stinks it up again may have to resort to Plan "B" as in Brooks Bollinger, and their defense is decimated as well. Actually more than decimated. "Decimated' means they would be missing 1 in 10 players, and they are missing more than that. This is the second heavyweight bout in as many weeks for the Giants, who KO'd the Steelers on the road last week.
The Result
The Cowboys get pounded, and now they are doomed again. Dooooomed! Let's face it, there's 2 paths the Cowboys can go down right now. Tony Romo comes back healthy and the Cowboys are much improved over what they are with an expired Brad Johnson or an inept Brooks Bollinger behind center, they have a 6-2ish second half and get a wildcard spot. The second path is Romo doesn't come back healthy and the team continues to stumble towards a .500 season. It's not that complicated. The only thing outside of Romo not being there that is really wrong with this team is that their run defense is below average. Other than that, they are still a good team.
Final- Giants 35, Cowboys 14
Fantasy Heroes- DAL DST 16 pts; Eli Manning QB NYG 22 pts; Brandon Jacobs RB NYG 19 pts; Derrick Ward RB NYG 14 pts
Defensive Stud- Justin Tuck NYG 6 tackles, 2 1/2 sacks
(4-3) EAGLES AT (2-5) SEAHAWKS
Eagles -7
The Setup
Will the Eagles be able to win without having their magical week after the bye week powers at their disposal? Will Mike Holmgren and Andy Reid dress up like each other for Halloween? Would anybody notice the difference if they did?
(4-3) FALCONS AT (2-5) RAIDERS
Falcons -3
The Setup
After a tumultuous beginning to their season, the Raiders have settled into a nice little mediocre groove. A couple of weeks ago the Jets came out to Al Davis' Mausoleum and got a loss hung on them. The Falcons are very Jet-like in their ability to play football, so I would beware if I were them.
JETS (4-3) AT BILLS (5-2)
The Line: Bills -5
The Setup
It's Saturday Night, and so far this week I don't think any more members of Brett Favre's Fave Five have been revealed, so there's a little less drama surrounding the Jets than there has been recently. The Jets since their bye week have been squaring off with awesome teams like the Raiders, Bengals, and Chiefs, and really should have lost 2 of those (they won 2, but the Chiefs outplayed them last week). The Bills followed up a feel-good home win over the Chargers with an ugly loss to the Dolphins that saw their secondary get scorched by Chad Pennington and Ted Ginn Jr. That could mean Favre has a big day, and if the Jets defense continues to play like its been playing (8th overall in yards allowed), the AFC East could get a lot tighter.
The Result
For the fifth time this year, the Jets defense held their opponent to under 50 yards rushing. That's pretty bad ass. I've been a Jets hater all year, but that's only because any time Brett Favre's name is even mentioned on my TV I go into convulsions. If they win because of their defense and their running game, which is exactly what they are doing, that's fine by me. Speaking of Favre, he threw one TD pass in this game, to the other team. He and Matt Millen will have to hug it out back at Matt Millen's ranch on a tractor built for two this week. As for the Bills, 4-0 turned to 5-3 really fast, and next week they go to Foxboro. And there is something wrong with Marshawn Lynch. I don't know what, but something.
Final- Jets 26, Bills 17
Fantasy Heroes- Jets DST 19 pts; Thomas Jones RB NYJ 15 pts
Defensive Stud- Kris Jenkins NYJ 5 Tackles, 2 Sacks
(3-4) JAGUARS AT (0-8) BENGALS
The Line: Jaguars -7 1/2
The Setup
The Jaguars get the 0-8 Bengals this week and the 0-7 Lions next week, so if they don't get their shit together here, I don't know what to tell you. If they are not 5-4 two weeks from now it's time to start firing people.
The Result
Things have officially reached Defcon 5 in Jacksonville, or Defcon 1, whatever Defcon is the worst Defcon. A loss to the winless Bengals has brought to the forefront what's been evident about this team all season, that they are an underachieving mess that would embarrass Al Davis. Jack Del Rio has taken such drastic measures such as rearranging the locker room and removing all the TVs, and sending linebacker Mike Peterson home from practice in the continuation of a spat that began when Peterson did a Lex Luger posedown after a sack with his team down 21-3 to the Bengals. All these things are nice first steps, a nice second step would be to tell Maurice Jones Drew to start opening his eyes when he gets a handoff, and perhaps think about NOT running 70 miles an hour right into his offensive line every time.
Yay for the Bengals and their first win. TJ Houshmandzadeh knew it was coming, he said leading up to the game, “We’re 0-8, but I think we’re a good 0-8 team, if that’s possible." To answer your question TJ, no, that's not possible.
Final- Bengals 21, Jaguars 19
Fantasy Heroes- Chad Johnson WR CIN 15 pts; Cedric Benson RB CIN 16 pts; JAX DST 12 pts; Maurice Jones Drew RB JAX 11 pts
Defensive Stud- James Joseph CIN 15 tackles, 2 PD
(4-3) RAVENS AT (3-4) BROWNS
The Line: Browns -1 1/2
The Setup
This is already the second time these two teams have played this year. The first meeting came when people still thought the Browns were good. A 21 point second quarter for the Ravens dropped the Browns to 0-2, and then everybody knew they weren't good. The Ravens ran it 44 times for 151 yards in that game, but last week they gave the Browns a lot to think about by running some goofy Wildcat stuff in a win over the Raiders. This is a big game for both teams. The Browns can get back into the playoff race for real with a win here, and the Ravens can make it 3 in a row and give themselves some breathing room in the wild card race.
The Result
Midway thru the 3rd quarter, the Browns were up 27-13, looking like they were going to get to 4-4 and set up for a second half playoff run. Next thing they knew, they were 3-5, their fans were screaming at them, and they've benched their quarterback. Brady Quinn should be the answer to all the Browns problems. It is totally Derek Anderson's fault that Braylon Edwards dropped another TD pass, Ray Rice rushed for 153 yards, and Derrick Mason had 9 catches for 136 yards. But, Derek Anderson seems to be the sacrifice the Island demanded, so here we are.
Final- Ravens 37, Browns 27
Fantasy Heroes- Ray Rice RB BAL 19 pts; Derek Mason WR BAL 21 pts; Joe Flacco QB BAL 21 pts; Mark or Michael Clayton WR BAL 14 pts; Braylon Edwards WR CLE 14 pts; Matt Stover K BAL 13 pts; Phil Dawson K CLE 11 pts
Defensive Stud- Terrell Suggs BAL, INT for TD
Go Get Em, Doofus
(3-4) TEXANS AT (3-4) VIKINGS
The Line: Vikings -5
The Setup
Thanks to the rampant mediocrity in the AFC, the Texans, like the Browns, are a team that has been able to rebound from a horrid start and now find themselves with a still-realistic chance of making the playoffs this year. For Minnesota to say the same, they need to win today, because a 3-5 record is pretty much a death sentence for most of the NFC. Things are already looking pretty bleak for the Vikings though, because their two big defensive tackles tested positive for Trimspa or something, and probably will be going away for a little while very soon.
The Result
And the team who still has a realistic shot at the postseason is.......the Vikings. Adrian Peterson has righted himself following a 3 game stretch early in the season where he failed to rush for 100 yards in a game, bottoming out with a 32 yards on 21 carries stinkeroo against the Saints. He had 139 yards in this one. Couple that with the Texans penchant for turning the ball over just when it looks like they are about to score, and the Vikings get a win that saves their season, a season which Brad Childress' job probably depends on. The Texans will be depending on Sage "Butterfingers" Rosenfels for a while, as Matt Schaub tore his MCL in this one, ending the Texans unprecedented three game streak of competent quarterback play.
Final- Vikings 28, Texans 21
Fantasy Heroes- Gus Frerotte QB MIN 24 pts; Steve Slaton RB HOU 11 pts; Adrian Peterson RB MIN 21 pts; Owen Daniels TE HOU 15 pts; Andre Johnson WR HOU 12 pts; Bernard Berrian WR MIN 18 pts, MIN DST 13 pts; HOU DST 11 pts
Defensive Stud- Jared Allen MIN 2 sacks, FF
(0-7) LIONS AT (4-3) BEARS
The Line: Bears -12 1/2
The Setup
These teams already met once this year, in Detroit, and the Bears beat the Lions by like 100 points. That doesn't bode very well for the Lions today. They did sign Daunte Culpepper to a two year contract this week though, so if you couple that with their addition of Rudi Johnson earlier this year, all they need now is a time machine that will make it 2004 and they should be able to do some damage.
The Result
It got ugly for the Bears for a while there. They gave 3 TDs in one quarter, to the Lions. They trailed by 10, their quarterback went down with a bad looking injury, the fans were booing, and Rex the Wonder Puppy comes bouncing onto the field. All of a sudden this pleasantly surprising season the Bears are having started to look like it was taking a very unpleasant turn. But the Lions being the Lions, they found a way to send the home fans happy (as long as they aren't their own home fans, of course). The Bears get the win and are all alone on top of the NFC North at the season's halfway mark, and Orton's injury reportedly isn't as bad as it looked like it might be, so if you're the Bears, you kind of just want to put this one behind you and move on to trying to knock off the Titans this weekend.
Final- Bears 27, Lions 23
Fantasy Heroes: Dan Orlovsky QB DET 21 pts; Kevin Smith RB DET 10 pts; Matt Forte RB CHI 14 pts; Calvin Johnson WR DET 15 pts; Shaun McDonald WR DET 12 pts; Rashied Davis WR CHI 12 pts
Defensive Stud: Lance Briggs CHI 10 tackles, FF
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
(5-3) BUCS AT (1-6) CHIEFS
The Line: Bucs -9
The Setup
The Chiefs got into the Halloween spirit a week early when they emerged from their sarcophogus and threw a scare into the Jets last week. What is really horrifying though, is the KC run defense, which has given up 197 yards a game this year. That should be a good thing for a Bucs team that could not get anything going at Dallas last week.
The Result
I remember watching this game on the Ticket, and when the Chiefs went up 24-3 the broadcaster doing the game said, "The rout is on". I was like, "Aaaaaaaah I bet not amigo". When you're on a 1-16 run, you have to be up 42-3 before "the rout is on". Wasn't it Herm that said, "You play the games to win the games"? Why exactly are the Chiefs playing these games right now then? I remember watching this game on the Ticket, and when the Chiefs went up 24-3 the broadcaster doing the game said, "The rout is on". I was like, "Aaaaaaaah I bet not amigo". When you're on a 1-16 run, you have to be up 42-3 before "the rout is on".
A loss is a loss is a loss, but on the bright side, in the last two weeks the Chiefs have given two potential playoff teams all they can handle, and Tyler Thigpen has looked like one of the better young quarterbacks in the league. they've done all this without Larry Johnson. LJ is supposed to be back this week, but if I'm Herm I tell Larry that he can go spend the next couple of months punching women in the face if he wants because the Chiefs really do not need him and his perpetual sourpuss right now. They can go right on losing every week without him by less than they'd lose by with him.
Final- Bucs 30, Chiefs 27 OT
Fantasy Heroes- Jeff Garcia QB TB 20 pts; Jamaal Charles RB KC 11 pts; Kolby Smith RB KC 10 pts; Antonio Bryant WR TB 19 pts; Tyler Thigpen QB KC 21 pts
Defensive Stud- Barret Ruud TB 13 tackles, 1 sack
(4-3) CARDINALS AT (2-5) RAMS
The Line: Cardinals -3
The Setup
I said earlier that a 3-5 record is a death sentence for MOST of the NFC. Not for the Rams or any other NFC West team though. There, you can start printing playoff tickets at 3-5. The Cardinals get another chance to salt this division away this week, after failing to do so when they fell apart after leading at Carolina 17-3 last week.
The Result
Me and my brother went balls out for the Rams this week. We picked up Donnie Avery for the fantasy team, and the Rams defense. Few teams had been playing better of late and we were going to turn this to our advantage. We even painted swirly lines on the side of our heads. Then the Rams go out and get sat on by the Cardinals. Oops. Making things worse, the team we were playing against was comprised almost entirely of Arizona Cardinals. Even Steve Breaston. I've about had it with Fantasy Football.
Final- Cardinals 34, Rams 13
Fantasy Heroes- AZ DST 14 pts; Kurt Warner QB AZ 31 pts; Tim Hightower RB AZ 18 pts; Anquan Boldin WR AZ 14 pts; Derek Stanley WR STL 14 pts; Torry Holt WR STL 11 pts
Defensive Stud- Antrelle Rolle AZ INT for TD
(4-3) PACKERS AT (7-0) TITANS
The Line: Titans -4 1/2
The Setup
If you look at each NFL weekend like a WWE pay per view, as I always do, this game's not bad as a curtain jerker leading up to the double main event of Giants-Cowboys and Patriots-Colts. Green Bay is coming off a bye week, and the Titans are coming off a hard fought Monday Night win over the Colts that pretty much locked up a playoff berth for them. If the Titans are ever going to have a letdown, this seems like a likely time for it.
The Result
Well actually, this game turned out to be the Main Event of the weekend. Both of these teams played to their strengths, with the Titans pounding it with LenDale White and Chris Johnson, and the Packers able to gash the Titans secondary for some big pass plays. The game went into OT when Rob Bironas missed a long FG at the end of regulation. The Titans won the flip and got a big pass play to Johnson, and this time Bironas nailed the FG attempt to end it. A really good football game.
Final- Titans 19, Packers 16 OT
Fantasy Heroes- Aaron Rodgers QB GB 23 pts; Chris Johnson RB TEN 21 pts; Donald Driver WR GB 19 pts
Defensive Stud- Jacob Ford TEN 2 sacks, FF
LATE GAMES
(3-4) DOLPHINS AT (4-3) BRONCOS
Broncos -4 1/2
The Setup
It feels like the Broncos haven't won since our whole economy went Communist. Actually, they have won one game recently, but only one. After a 3-0 start they've lost 3 of 4, culminating in a 41-7 kick in the balls from the Patriots last week. Lucky for them, they still hold a 1 1/2 game lead in the AFC West. The Dolphins beat the Bills pretty convincingly last week, and can put themselves squarely in the playoff picture with a win in Denver today.
The Result
The Broncos lose and it leads to a fiesta of quotes involving Brandon Marshall, who was upset that he had only 2 catches for 27 yards.
- Brandon Marshall on Jay Cutler's interpretation of defenses: "When the quarterback sees 1-high or cover-1 (coverage), he’s got to be on the same page as me and get the ball to me But it’s a team game, and oh, well.”
-Brandon Marshall on Dolphins WR Greg Camarillo who had 111 yards against the Denver secondary: "“I mean, I don’t even know that (Miami) receiver’s name who caught all those balls."
- Brandon Marshall on the Broncos game plan: "“I mean, when I look at it, it’s common sense. If I was a receiver going against our defense and they’re stacking the box and we’re playing a 1-high defense and eight in the box, and the DBs are 10 yards off of me, I’m going to catch 10, 12 balls a game."
-Joey Porter on Brandon Marshall: “He’s one of those soft receivers, where he has to have the ball all the time. If he don’t get it, he’s going to mope and cry. He did it to himself.”
Final- Dolphins 26, Broncos 17
Fantasy Heroes: Dolphins DST 13 pts; Ronnie Brown RB MIA 14 pts; Jay Cutler QB DEN 27 pts; Greg Camarillo WR MIA 13 pts; Peyton Hillis RB DEN 19 pts; Eddie Royal WR DEN 12 pts; Dan Carpenter K MIA 14 pts
Defensive Stud: Will Allen MIA 1 INT for TD, 1,000,000 frustration points on Brandon Marshall
(5-3) COWBOYS AT (6-1) GIANTS
Giants -9
The Setup
Dallas pulled it together and grinded out a win at home against Tampa last week, even though their offense looked largely inept. This week the Cowboys will be without Jason Witten, and if Brad Johnson stinks it up again may have to resort to Plan "B" as in Brooks Bollinger, and their defense is decimated as well. Actually more than decimated. "Decimated' means they would be missing 1 in 10 players, and they are missing more than that. This is the second heavyweight bout in as many weeks for the Giants, who KO'd the Steelers on the road last week.
The Result
The Cowboys get pounded, and now they are doomed again. Dooooomed! Let's face it, there's 2 paths the Cowboys can go down right now. Tony Romo comes back healthy and the Cowboys are much improved over what they are with an expired Brad Johnson or an inept Brooks Bollinger behind center, they have a 6-2ish second half and get a wildcard spot. The second path is Romo doesn't come back healthy and the team continues to stumble towards a .500 season. It's not that complicated. The only thing outside of Romo not being there that is really wrong with this team is that their run defense is below average. Other than that, they are still a good team.
Final- Giants 35, Cowboys 14
Fantasy Heroes- DAL DST 16 pts; Eli Manning QB NYG 22 pts; Brandon Jacobs RB NYG 19 pts; Derrick Ward RB NYG 14 pts
Defensive Stud- Justin Tuck NYG 6 tackles, 2 1/2 sacks
(4-3) EAGLES AT (2-5) SEAHAWKS
Eagles -7
The Setup
Will the Eagles be able to win without having their magical week after the bye week powers at their disposal? Will Mike Holmgren and Andy Reid dress up like each other for Halloween? Would anybody notice the difference if they did?
The Result
The game started with the Seahawks getting their longest play from scrimmage in their storied history, when Seneca Wallace hooked up with Koren Robinson for a 90 yard score. That play bumped out a 23 yard TD run by Curt Warner I in 1984, I think. Then the Eagles proceeded to beat up on a crappy team as only they can. This week they face the Giants, and hope to avoid completing their set of losses to teams in their own division. I won't say I hate the Eagles, but I feel happy every time they lose.
Final- Eagles 26, Seahawks 7
Fantasy Heroes- Donovan McNabb QB PHI 25 pts; Brent Celek TE PHI 15 pts; Koren Robinson WR SEA 18 pts; David Akers K PHI 14 pts
Defensive Stud- Darren Howard PHI 2 sacks
(4-3) FALCONS AT (2-5) RAIDERS
Falcons -3
The Setup
After a tumultuous beginning to their season, the Raiders have settled into a nice little mediocre groove. A couple of weeks ago the Jets came out to Al Davis' Mausoleum and got a loss hung on them. The Falcons are very Jet-like in their ability to play football, so I would beware if I were them.
The Result
Hey Patrick, you are right. The Raiders are not as good as the Browns.
The Falcons had 30 first downs in this game, the Raiders had 3. The Raiders had 77 yards of total offense. So that's the offense. On defense, they released corner DeAngelo Hall this week, who they gave a 7 million dollar signing bonus to and traded two draft picks for this past offseason. You know what this reminds me of? Remember that retard that emailed me this summer after my Raiders preview, all angry at me for poo pooing the Raiders? Let me go find that.
Ok here we go. I won't bore you with the whole column, but here's the summary sentence:
"The Raiders have invested premium draft picks in their offense each of the last 2 years, and the offense still doesn't seem like it will be any good (BINGO!). Darren McFadden may be fun to watch, but the Raiders won't be (Darren McFadden not fun to watch, needs to be a a man and cut that fucking toe off already)."
"thec" said-
curious to know where you info is coming from. If you do some research you could find real answers instead of being a follower and posting the same old stuff everyone else is. This article is very strong on opinion, yet lacks nothing that was not already said on other blogs...ridiculous..
"nick pomazak" said-
do you want me to say the raiders are going to win the super bowl just because its different and not on other blogs? I won't because that's fucking retarded. i'm curious to know what kind of "research" you are talking about that would reveal any profound truth about the raiders other than that they suck really really bad..
thanks for hating on my blog..next time post the link to your own so i can go piss on it.
When are people finally going to realize that I know everything about everything?
Final- Falcons 24, Raiders 0
Fantasy Heroes- Falcons DST 18 pts; Matt Ryan QB ATL 20 pts; Michael Jenkins WR ATL 18 pts; Michael Turner RB ATL 15 pts; Jerrious Norwood 14 pts
Defensive Stud- John Abraham ATL 5 tackles, 3 sacks, FF
SUNDAY NIGHT
(5-2) PATRIOTS AT (3-4) COLTS
The Setup
Once upon a time, like last year, this would be billed as "Super Bowl Whatever Super Bowl We Are On Now and 1/2". This year, it's kind of like watching a battle of the bands between the current iteration of Guns 'N Roses and INXS featuring the guy that won that TV show. It's kind of the same, but really not.
The Result
The Pats could afford to lose one here, the Colts couldn't. So it's fair to say that the Colts needed it more, and from there deduce that they wanted it more, so the old saw that "The team that wanted it more won" held true here. The Colts were treating this like a playoff game, even going so far as to use Marvin Harrison as a punt returner, which doesn't make sense to me because we all know Marvin Harrison curls into the fetal position whenever anyone touches him. A 52 yard Adam Vinatieri FG provides the winning margin for the Colts, who live to stagger thru another week of meaningful play.
Final- Colts 18, Patriots 15
Fantasy Heroes- Peyton Manning QB IND 22 pts; Benjarvus Green-Ellis RB NE 11 pts; Anthony Gonzalez WR IND 17 pts;
Defensive Stud- Bob Sanders IND 8 tackles, INT
MONDAY NIGHT
(5-2) STEELERS AT (6-2) REDSKINS
The Setup
It's the night before election night in our nation's capital, and we are treated to a battleground matchup between the Steelers, who as per their name are apparently strong supporters of organized labor, and the Redskins, who are in favor of banning smallpox infested blankets. Which kind of reminds me..only country in history to use a nuclear weapon? USA. Only country in history to use biological weapons, against its own people no less? USA! USA! I will believe this until the day I die, there ain't no crazier people on this earth than White Americans.
The Result
The Redskins come out wearing maroon pants and maroon jerseys, and get marooned on the Island of The Ass Kicked, as the Steelers become the latest team to make the Washington offense look constipated, and win handily despite losing Ben Roethlisberger and replacing him with someone who looks like he ate Byron Leftwich. Actually, don't say this too loud, but Ben was playing like shit before he got hurt, completing 5 of 17 for 50 yards, so the injury's timing was pretty, shall we say, convenient? Mmmm?
Final- Steelers 26, Redskins 7
Fantasy Heroes- Willie Parker RB PIT 13 pts; Clinton Portis RB WSH 12 pts
Defensive Studs- James Farrior PIT 13 tackles, 1/2 sack, 3 PD
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