Dog Catcher

Real Madrid Conspiracy

In the Real Madrid vs. Ajax Champions league game, Xabi Alonso and Sergio Ramos got Red Cards winning 4-0. How is that possible? They refused to kick the free kick.



Fast forward to 5 min to see them both.

You may be wondering what happened. Well, here is photo evidence of what happened:

MLS Final Sucked Shit

The MLS Final between Colorado and Dallas FC got a whopping .4 rating (about 700k viewers). This is down from .7 (about 1.1 mil). Here are the top ten trending tweets that I found about the MLS Final:

1.
2.
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4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

That's right! No one fucking talked about it because nobody wants to see youth players from Colorado play some assholes in Dallas in soccer. You have stars in Donovan and Beckham in LA and Henry and Marquez on NY Red Bulls. That's four very recognizable names from four different countries. You could have had audiences from England, America, Mexico, and France watching. But instead of rigging the finals like any smart company like the NFL or NBA does, they play it fair and have shitty people play shitty people.

Who the fuck wants to spend time watching the MLS Final between Colorado and Dallas? Some of you assholes would cry, "BUT PATRICK, SNIFF SNIFF, YOU DIDN'T EVEN WATCH THE MATCH!" Yeah, that's exactly it. I was not one of the 700k people wasting their lives watching youth prospects from Colorado and Dallas play a meaningless final. THEY'RE NOT EVEN FEEDER TEAMS TO ANYONE. Here are things I would rather do than watch the MLS Final:

1. Put pubes in my salad to make it crunchy.
2. Eat bacon covered shit.
3. Get pregnant and then kick my own stomach.

These morons competed with an NFL game instead of scheduling their final during the World Series. Why would you do that? Want a clue on how to get ratings? Rig your championships and go against the World Series.

Five signs Wade Phillips was going to be fired

1. One of his assistant coaches wasn't the most interesting man in the world.
Yes, I'm talking about that Dos Equis beer model that is always preceded by awesome things that awesome people do. If you don't know this guy, it's because you are not the most interesting man in the world. In fact, you're a fucking bukake. This guy has sex with your mom, and then you cried because you weren't the baby from it. If Wade Phillips had this guy on the team, the most interesting man in the world would just tell Wade Phillips that nice guys finish last, and dipshits people feel sorry for don't qualify in the race. You're fat, so that makes you an asshole, which is worse than both.


2. Tony Romo was a homo for Witten.
Yeah, TO's a bitch, but he was someone to throw to. Instead, Tony Romo dumped him when he wanted to stay forever because Romo and Witten we're gay for each other. It's lame. People think Romo is so awesome, but he just chokes. Then he gets hurt and pusses off to the sidelines. Wade was like, OH SNAP, I DUNNO WHO ELSE TO PUT IN BUT JON FUCKING KITNA. Once you saw Romo homo for Witten, it was over.


3. The offensive coordinator made as much as you.
So you're telling me that a shitty offense with only Des Bryant, a rookie, as being the only guy trying was one of the biggest reasons you fired Wade, then you promote his offensive coordinator? What's he going to do different that he didn't do while offensive coordinator? Is he going to tell the defense to work harder? His own offensive unit didn't work harder. The fact that this bitch tits Jason Garrett made just as much as the head coach meant Wade should have just took his cookies and ate them at home.


4. The Cowboys accidentally thought the NFL was a mix gendered league and put a girl as QB.
Really, I know I talked about Tony Romo, but this guy's a fucking fairy. People think he's so awesome because he did well when Bill Parcells covered his mistake-prone ass, but really he's just some dude that was a rebound for Jessica Simpson. Yeah, I said it. Jessica Simpson, the second dumbest woman in America (that O'Donnell chick from the Tea Party that believes science is too dangerous and shouldn't be taught in schools because science created human-level intelligent mice is the #1 dumbest person in America) used your QB as a rebound, Cowboy fan. That should have told you that Wade Phillips was fucked.


5. The Cowboys didn't have 11 Demarcus Wares.
This motherfucker can play. Could you imagine if there were 11 of these assholes? Excessive hit fines or not, someone's becoming a rape survivor after 11 Demarcus Wares all dip into that said person's asshole. When you look out into the field and see 11 Demarcus Wares, you would be like that HS coach who saw three fat kids on the other team and just forfeit. Unfortunately for you, Wade, you only had one, which was the biggest sign you were going to get fired.

Agents Paying College Players Haikus

Confessions of an Agent
Josh Luchs paid money
To bitches like Ryan Leaf
No return for him

In Response to Arguments that Student Athletes Need to Get Paid to Eat
College athletes cry
Because they can't get a job
They need to eat too

Fuck all those assholes
My school loan was a lot
You guys get one too

Week 4 Rubdown AFC West

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (3-0)

WK 3 W v. San Francisco 31-10, WK 4 BYE

Offense Rank 18th, Defense Rank 14th

The Chiefs are the last of the unbeatens in the NFL. Nobody would have predicted that after 4 weeks there would be only one undefeated team, and even fewer people would have predicted that team would be the Chiefs. Yes, fewer than nobody. But here we are.  KC has a young and exciting team, with a pair of electrifying talents in Jamaal Charles and Dexter McCluster on offense, and a stout young front seven which ranks fourth in the league in Y/A versus the run.  It's been a nice story so far, but things are about to get tougher with back to back road games at Indy and Houston, and 4 road games in the next 6 weeks.  Matt Cassel has been only slightly better than horrible, Dwayne Bowe has been invisible. If the Chiefs are going to succeed in this bruising month and a half stretch coming up, they are going to have to have a respectable passing game.

2. DENVER BRONCOS (2-2)

WK 3 L v. Indianapolis 13-27, WK 4 W at Tennessee 26-20

Offense Rank 4th, Defense Rank 16th

Kyle Orton is one of the elite QBs in the NFL.  Thru 4 weeks, he's throwing for over 350 yards per game, and that's insane. He's doing this with his running back out of the lineup, and a #1 receiver in Brandon Lloyd who has been released by just about every team in the NFL.  As good as Orton has been, the Broncos went into last week needing a win at Tennessee to avoid a disastrous 1-3 start. They got that win though, which was essential because the next two weeks have them traveling to Baltimore and hosting the Jets. Teams don't usually come back from 1-5 starts.  Sometimes the schedule maker just kicks you in the nuts, and I think that's been the case with the Broncos. They are a pretty good team, but the record doesn't show it, and probably won't show it until they can get some games against their weak division under their belts.

3. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (2-2)

WK 3 L at Seattle 20-27, WK 4 W v. Arizona 41-10

Offense Rank 1st, Defense Rank 1st

How, you may ask, does a team that ranks 1st in the league in both offense and defense have a 2-2 record? Well, one loss was on opening night in a monsoon, and the Chargers looked well on their way to thumping the Chiefs that night until it started raining, after which point they looked hopeless. The other loss was a special teams meltdown in which they gave up 2 return TDs to Leon Washington in Seattle. Other than that, the Chargers have been dominant. Mike Tolbert has been a find in the running game, providing a bruising hammer that is opening things up for Antonio Gates, who is having a monster year with 6 receiving TDs already. The Chargers are notorious for horrible starts, and I'm sure they're disappointed with 2-2. The fact is though, they are still the best team in the division by a lot, and maybe the best team in the league, that has to show up in the record sooner or later. 

4. OAKLAND RAIDERS (1-3)

WK 3 L at Arizona 23-24, WK 4 L v. Houston 24-31

Offense Rank 9th, Defense Rank 11th

 

Darren McFadden is finally playing up to his potential, giving the Raiders a viable offense. The defense is horrible against the run though, ranking last in the league in Y/A against, and twice getting gashed for 200+ yards, including in last weeks loss at Houston.  They'll be blacked out in their home market for the 10th straight time this week, and here's what Marty Schottenheimer had to say about them on Sirius Radio this week:

“The one constant you can count on in playing the Raiders is that they don’t finish. They don’t finish plays and they don’t finish games. I always told my players that if they kept playing hard against the Raiders, they would eventually fold. That is why I knew we would always win. That is still the perception around the league.”

Okay then!

Week 4 Rubdown - AFC South

1. HOUSTON TEXANS (3-1)

WK 3 L v. Dallas 13-27, WK 4 W at Oakland 31-24

Offense Rank 2nd, Defense Rank 32nd

I realize this is the sexy pick to make a breakthru and get to the Super Bowl this year, but that's not going to happen with the worst defense in the league.  It's not surprising with this enigmatic team that even after 4 weeks, it's really not possible to tell how good they are. They beat Indy in Week 1, but that accomplishment has dulled a little now that we see how the Colts have struggled. The last 2 weeks have brought a thorough beating at home from the Cowboys, and an uninspiring win in Oakland.  Arian Foster has been the best running back in the league so far, and a revelation, helping offset Andre Johnson's slow start.  That defense though, has been torched for over 400 passing yards twice already, which is ridiculous given the talent on it. Mario Williams has 5 sacks already, and Brian Cushing will return from his bout with Cushing's Disease, which I believe is caused by steroid use, so maybe there's hope. They'll have a tough matchup with the Giants in Week 5, but win or lose, I still won't really know how good they are.

2. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (2-2)

WK 3 L v. Philadelphia 3-28, WK 4 W v. Indianapolis 31-28

Offense Rank 24th, Defense Rank 30th

Here's a bit of a conundrum. Is Jack Del Rio a good coach because he's managed to be 2-2 with wins over pretty decent Denver and Indy teams despite having both an offense and defense that ranks among the worst in the league? Or is he a bad coach because this team is obviously awful despite its 2-2 record?   This seems like an 0-4 team in 2-2 clothing, but then again the Jags have always been a team with wildly fluctuating performances from one week to the next. The common theme seems to be that in their 2 wins, they have 0 turnovers, and in their two losses they have 7.  I guess they are to be commended for surviving the first quarter of the year despite being so bad, but I'm also thinking that the Bills get their first and possibly only win of the season against them this week.

3. TENNESSEE TITANS (2-2)

WK3 W at NY Giants 29-10, WK 4 L v. Denver 20-26

Offense Rank 27th, Defense Rank 9th

Another historically schizo team, the Titans have looked a little more like the awful team that didn't get a win until November last year than the team that couldn't stop losing after November last year. If you'll remember that pretty game in the snow in Foxboro last year, the problem with the Titans early last year was pass defense. The last 2 weeks they've given up over 300 passing yards, so it seems to be a problem again, punctuated by defensive coordinator Chuck Cecil flicking off an official during last weeks loss to the Broncos.   The offense has struggled too. It's leaning heavily on Chris Johnson and he's fallen off a little, averaging under 4 yards a carry so far.  Vince Young hasn't been bad, but defenses are coming out with one thought in mind against the Titans, to contain Chris Johnson any way they can. So far VY hasn't made them pay, and if he doesn't both Johnson and the T's will continue to struggle.

4. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (2-2)

WK 3 W at Denver 27-13, WK 4 L at Jacksonville 28-31

Offense Rank 3rd, Defense Rank 24th

Is this the year that Peyton Manning finally fails to carry a subpar supporting cast to the playoffs? Manning has never been better. He's putting up 300+ yards every game and making a star out of Austin Collie (although Reggie Wayne once again took center stage last weekend, catching 15 balls for almost 200 yards). So far it hasn't been enough though. The headset wearing water cooler that is Jim Caldwell actually came into play in last week's bad loss to Jacksonville, calling a stupid time out which helped leave enough time for Josh Scobee to nail a long distance field goal to win it as time expired.  Combine that with a vestigial running game, and a defense which is now down to a 3rd string safety after both Bob Sanders and his replacement Melvin Bullitt go out for the year, and it's going to be a struggle all year for the Colts, who face the unbeaten Chiefs this week.