NFL Playoffs Week 1

New Orleans at Seattle

I know that the logical choice is to pick the Saints, especially since, well, Seattle is the first team to make it into the playoffs with a losing record, but I'm picking Seattle. 1) I want to look super smart if they win and 2) Seattle's home field averages 2 false starts per game. Okay, and 3) the ref will rig to make up for what happened to them in the Superbowl.

NY Jets at Colts

Indy is 5-1 vs Rex Ryan and it's at Indy. Easy pick. Indy.

Baltimore at Kansas City

Kansas City sucks. Stop thinking they're good. They played shitty ass teams twice to win their division. Baltimore wins by a lot.

Green Bay at Philadelphia

Everyone's picking Green Bay, but I think Vick is going to drop nuts on Green Bay. Green Bay can toss up big numbers, but the reason they barely made the playoffs was because of their defense. Aaron Rodgers is also super overrated. MVP? REALLY? If he's MVP, so is Philip Rivers. Wait, you have to win to be MVP.

Eagles Tuesday Game and TCU WORLD CHAMPS

Two thoughts:

First, lots of crying going on when the Eagles/Vikings game had to be moved to Tuesday because of possible snow. You got officials and players and announcers and your fucking mom crying that the league is super pussy now. Apparently, real men play in the snow, which is fine, but all the fans that have to trek through the dangerous weather better be real men too if they want to live to get to the game.

The main argument against the move was that if the Eagles don't clinch a bye, they'll have to play three times in ten days. Can't real men play three games in ten days?

Second, on Sportsnation, 52% of the voters believed that TCU deserves a piece of the national championship. Initially, I was going to say bullshit, but then all the reason I thought were bullshit, weak schedule, small conference with no automatic bid, and being a fuck face were all bullshit reasons in of themselves because the whole system is bullshit. You can't cry bullshit about TCU's claim for a piece of the title if the system bullshits a National Champion.

I mean, think about the argument of the BCS: The two best teams will play for the title game and whoever wins that is the best. Okay, how do you determine the two best teams? We look at a bunch of shit including schedule, losses, how many times you got caught doing weed, celebrity sex tapes, and how many times you got caught hitting your wife. Alright, just the first two. Okay, so even though you're arguing that a team has to have a perfect season to be the best - which AMERICAN SPORTS HISTORY SHOWS THAT'S BULLSHIT - so what happens if you have more than two undefeated teams? Uhh, well, strength of schedule. What if the strength of schedule is the same? Uhhh, if you're an automatic bid school or an unrecognized conference school. Wow, that's some elitist shit. TCU had the same fucking strength of schedule and record as Oregon, but TCU gets assed out because they're at an unrecognized conference? Uhh, well, you can only pick two, so someone gets assed out. No, fucko. That's my motherfucking point. Teams that are worth it to give a chance, should have a shot. Don't cry that TCU is making a bullshit argument because the BCS Championship is a bullshit argument.

Dog Catcher

Real Madrid Conspiracy

In the Real Madrid vs. Ajax Champions league game, Xabi Alonso and Sergio Ramos got Red Cards winning 4-0. How is that possible? They refused to kick the free kick.



Fast forward to 5 min to see them both.

You may be wondering what happened. Well, here is photo evidence of what happened:

MLS Final Sucked Shit

The MLS Final between Colorado and Dallas FC got a whopping .4 rating (about 700k viewers). This is down from .7 (about 1.1 mil). Here are the top ten trending tweets that I found about the MLS Final:

1.
2.
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4.
5.
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10.

That's right! No one fucking talked about it because nobody wants to see youth players from Colorado play some assholes in Dallas in soccer. You have stars in Donovan and Beckham in LA and Henry and Marquez on NY Red Bulls. That's four very recognizable names from four different countries. You could have had audiences from England, America, Mexico, and France watching. But instead of rigging the finals like any smart company like the NFL or NBA does, they play it fair and have shitty people play shitty people.

Who the fuck wants to spend time watching the MLS Final between Colorado and Dallas? Some of you assholes would cry, "BUT PATRICK, SNIFF SNIFF, YOU DIDN'T EVEN WATCH THE MATCH!" Yeah, that's exactly it. I was not one of the 700k people wasting their lives watching youth prospects from Colorado and Dallas play a meaningless final. THEY'RE NOT EVEN FEEDER TEAMS TO ANYONE. Here are things I would rather do than watch the MLS Final:

1. Put pubes in my salad to make it crunchy.
2. Eat bacon covered shit.
3. Get pregnant and then kick my own stomach.

These morons competed with an NFL game instead of scheduling their final during the World Series. Why would you do that? Want a clue on how to get ratings? Rig your championships and go against the World Series.

Five signs Wade Phillips was going to be fired

1. One of his assistant coaches wasn't the most interesting man in the world.
Yes, I'm talking about that Dos Equis beer model that is always preceded by awesome things that awesome people do. If you don't know this guy, it's because you are not the most interesting man in the world. In fact, you're a fucking bukake. This guy has sex with your mom, and then you cried because you weren't the baby from it. If Wade Phillips had this guy on the team, the most interesting man in the world would just tell Wade Phillips that nice guys finish last, and dipshits people feel sorry for don't qualify in the race. You're fat, so that makes you an asshole, which is worse than both.


2. Tony Romo was a homo for Witten.
Yeah, TO's a bitch, but he was someone to throw to. Instead, Tony Romo dumped him when he wanted to stay forever because Romo and Witten we're gay for each other. It's lame. People think Romo is so awesome, but he just chokes. Then he gets hurt and pusses off to the sidelines. Wade was like, OH SNAP, I DUNNO WHO ELSE TO PUT IN BUT JON FUCKING KITNA. Once you saw Romo homo for Witten, it was over.


3. The offensive coordinator made as much as you.
So you're telling me that a shitty offense with only Des Bryant, a rookie, as being the only guy trying was one of the biggest reasons you fired Wade, then you promote his offensive coordinator? What's he going to do different that he didn't do while offensive coordinator? Is he going to tell the defense to work harder? His own offensive unit didn't work harder. The fact that this bitch tits Jason Garrett made just as much as the head coach meant Wade should have just took his cookies and ate them at home.


4. The Cowboys accidentally thought the NFL was a mix gendered league and put a girl as QB.
Really, I know I talked about Tony Romo, but this guy's a fucking fairy. People think he's so awesome because he did well when Bill Parcells covered his mistake-prone ass, but really he's just some dude that was a rebound for Jessica Simpson. Yeah, I said it. Jessica Simpson, the second dumbest woman in America (that O'Donnell chick from the Tea Party that believes science is too dangerous and shouldn't be taught in schools because science created human-level intelligent mice is the #1 dumbest person in America) used your QB as a rebound, Cowboy fan. That should have told you that Wade Phillips was fucked.


5. The Cowboys didn't have 11 Demarcus Wares.
This motherfucker can play. Could you imagine if there were 11 of these assholes? Excessive hit fines or not, someone's becoming a rape survivor after 11 Demarcus Wares all dip into that said person's asshole. When you look out into the field and see 11 Demarcus Wares, you would be like that HS coach who saw three fat kids on the other team and just forfeit. Unfortunately for you, Wade, you only had one, which was the biggest sign you were going to get fired.

Agents Paying College Players Haikus

Confessions of an Agent
Josh Luchs paid money
To bitches like Ryan Leaf
No return for him

In Response to Arguments that Student Athletes Need to Get Paid to Eat
College athletes cry
Because they can't get a job
They need to eat too

Fuck all those assholes
My school loan was a lot
You guys get one too