Saints! Colts! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

You have no idea how long it has taken for football season to get here, in my mind.

This has been the sporting summer from the eighth circle of Hell for me, with my White Sox having a season where every time I watch them it's so depressing that I swear I can hear Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" playing in the background. But today is the official end of all that for me.

Tonight, the defending champion Colts take on the Saints. In preparation for this, I sat down with Saints QB Drew Brees.*

*Actually, no I didn't. The questions are from a vapid interview with him in some sports magazine. The answers are mine.

FF- You have a couple of weapons on offense, eh?

DB- My most dangerous weapon is in my pants.

FF- How does coach Sean Payton motivate you guys?

DB- Buttsex. And the opportunity for more buttsex.

FF- Any game day routines?

DB- We all do the elephant walk in the locker room at 8 AM. Then I masturbate furiously for an hour with a cheese grater. This is usually followed by a lengthy crying jag. Then more masturbation, then sleep. Pregame introductions are at 11:55.

FF- What about game-day breakfasts?
I'm usually too cranked out on crystal meth to know its time to eat breakfast.

Wonderful.

I suppose you all want a prediction now.

COLTS OFFENSE V. SAINTS DEFENSE
I am standing here beside myself b/c I've just noticed the Saints had the 3rd ranked pass defense in the league last year. I totally didn't know that. That means the Colts are going to have to have success running the ball tonight to win, and since their running back squadron consists of Joseph Addai and nobody else, they may run into a fatigue problem there.
ADVANTAGE- SAINTS

SAINTS OFFENSE V. COLTS DEFENSE
Deuce McAllister and Reggie Bush should take the Colts' run defense to the rape stand tonight.
ADVANTAGE- SAINTS

VARIOUS AND SUNDRY-
The Colts have lost at home in the regular season 3 times since the start of the 2004 season when Peyton Manning became PEYTON MANNING. 1, 2, 3 times.
ADVANTAGE- COLTS X 3

HERE'S YOUR FORECAST-
The Colts will find a way to pull this one out.
COLTS 27, SAINTS 24