The Greatest Day In the History Of Our Sport- Week 5

With apologies to Patrick N and Dook!e, I am a very happy man after watching the Cubs get uncermemoniously dumped out of the playoffs last night. Four months of hearing Cub fans in this town chirping about how their silly ass 85 win team was going to win the World Series has come to an end. Too bad they didn't get to play the Reds or the Pirates every week like they did during the season, then they might have won a game.

So here's the storylines for WEEK FIVE!

EARLY GAMES
(0-4) DOLPHINS AT (2-2) TEXANS
The Dolphins run defense is terrible, as evidenced by the fact that Justin Fargas would have run for 400 yards against them last week had he played the whole game. Are they so bad that they will make the Ahman Green/Ron Dayne combo look good? Probably.

Houston will win.

HALFTIME UPDATE
Trent Green left the game early after trying to throw a block on a reverse. Running a play that calls for your QB who has been concussed 20 times to throw block is pretty smart. Cleo Lemon is on now. The Dolphins lead 16-10 behind some strong running by Ronnie Brown.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Texans get ball on their own 3 with 1:33 left, and Matt Schaub drives them downfield for a game winning 57 yard FG by Kris Brown. Texans win 22-19 and the Dolphins are 0-5.

(3-1) LIONS AT (2-1) REDSKINS
One of these bumbling franchises (the Redskins qualify as bumbling in the Dan Snyder era) is going to be the owners of one of the best records in the league after this game. The Skins will be without Santana Moss, and Clinton Portis is banged up.

Washington will win.

HALFTIME UPDATE
Hey look the Lions suck again! Randle El has 100 receiving yards in the first half, and Mike Sellers and Chris Cooley have TDs as the Skins lead 14-0.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Total domination as the Redskins crush the Lions 34-3. A pair of TDs for Mike Sellers.

(1-3) FALCONS AT (2-1) TITANS
Don't look now but Joey Harrington has a 98.2 passer rating. That is higher than Brett Favre's, by the way. Meanwhile, Tennessee looks to continue to do what they've done so far this year, which is look like a bona fide playoff caliber team.

Tennessee will win.

HALFTIME UPDATE
D'Angelo Hall spited his coach by returning a LenDale White fumble for a TD. Falcons hanging tough as its 10-10 at the half.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Hey heyyy heyyyyy...Byron Leftwich comes on for an ineffective Joey and is even more ineffective, completing 2 of 8 passes and getting picked off, and sacked on 4 Titans 4 yard line on final play as Titans win 20-13 despite 3 Vince Young INTS.

(2-1) JAGUARS AT (2-2) CHIEFS
The Chiefs have the 3rd ranked defense in the league? I guess they do. Meanwhile, rookie WR Dwayne Bowe has been setting the world on fire and the Chiefs are a surprising 2-2. For the Jags, will MJD continue to SBD (suck big dong)?

KC will win.

HALFTIME UPDATE
MJD breaks a 52 yard TD run after all his fantasy owners have benched him. You are making a lot of enemies asshole. Jags lead 10-0.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Larry Johnson held to 12 yards on 9 carries as Jags choke the life out of KC, 17-7.

(2-2) CARDINALS AT (0-4) RAMS
Ken Whisenhunt will continue to go back and forth between Matt Warner and Kurt Leinart like Meredith Grey slutted back and forth with McDreamy and McSteamy. Meanwhile, the Rams have Gus Frerotte at QB and Brian Leonard at RB as they hurtle towards the #1 pick in 08.

Arizona will win.

HALFTIME UPDATE
Kurt Leinart has shredded the Rams D for over 200 passing yards, including over 100 for Fitzgerald, Cards lead 17-13.

FULLTIME UPDATE
We're at the 2 minute warning with the Cards up 34-23. 136 yards and a TD for Fitzgerald, 3 picks for Frerotte. Brian Leonard rushes for over 100 yards for the Rams.

(3-1) SEAHAWKS AT (3-1) STEELERS
The rematch of the most boring Super Bowl I've ever seen. Pittsburgh may be without Troy Polamalu and Casey Hampton.

Pittsburgh will win.

HALFTIME UPDATE
Ben's TD pass to Heath Miller has been the only offense. Pittsburgh leads 7-0.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Steelers D makes Seahawks look sick. 102 yards for Willie Parker and 2 scores for Najeh Davenport. Steelers blank Seattle 21-0.

(1-3) JETS AT (2-2) GIANTS
The Giants had 12 sacks last week. Chad Pennington gets injured when someone looks at him funny. Paging Kellen Clemens.

NYG will win.

HALFTIME UPDATE
Jets score 10 points in the last 33 seconds of the half and lead 17-7. 22 passing yards for Eli in the first half.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Giants score 21 unanswered to end the game with a 35-24 win. 100+ yards and a TD apiece for the returning Brandon Jacobs, and for Plaxico Burress.

(2-2) PANTHERS AT (0-3) SAINTS
The Saints have played some of the worst football we've seen since the 90s Bengals. The Panthers have David Carr at QB. Something's gotta give.

NOLA will win.

HALFTIME UPDATE
We're early in Q3 and a long Brees to Devery Henderson completions sets up a Mike Karney TD run, and the Saints lead 13-6.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Olindo Mare misses a 54 yarder that would have put the Saints ahead, then Jon Kasay knocks home a 52 yarder as time expires to drop the Saints to 0-4. Panthers win 16-13 despite 113 total yards for Reggie Bush and 101 yards for Devery Henderson. 2 picks for Drew Brees and no TDs.

(2-2) BROWNS AT (4-0) PATRIOTS
I've often thought that Romeo Crennel should coach a game dressed as a giant beaver. Given the fact that the Patriots destroy everyone they play, this should probably be that game.

New England will win.

HALFTIME UPDATE
Patriots beating ass again. 2 Brady TD passes (Watson and Stallworth), and New England is up big 20-0.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Browns hang around but Patriots win again, 34-17. 3 TD passes for Brady, 2 to Benjamin Watson. Braylon Edwards has 110 yards for Cleveland.

AFTERNOON GAMES
(3-1) BUCS AT (4-0) COLTS
The Colts will probably be without Marvin Harrison, Joseph Addai, and Bob Sanders. But if my fantasy team could win last week with Sakmon Gado and Justin Fargas at running back, anything is possible.

Indy will win.

HALFTIME UPDATE
The Bucs are sort of still in this game thanks to a long INT return that set up a Garcia to Alex Smith TD. Not really though. Indy leads 16-7. TDs for Dallas Clark and Kenton Keith, who is subbing for Joseph Addai. Michael Pittman was carted off the field with an ankle injury.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Second half goes pretty much the same as the first. Colts cruise to a 33-14 win. Keith has 158 yards from scrimmage and 2 TDs.

(2-2) RAVENS AT (2-2) 49ers
Niners coach Mike Nolan faces the team whose defense he helped build. He does this with Trent Dilfer at quarterback. Lotsa luck.

Baltimore will win.

HALFTIME UPDATE
The Ravens lead 3-0 just before half in a snoozer. Dilfer's thrown for 8 yards.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Joe Nedney misses a 52 yard field goal with just over 2 minutes left and the Ravens hang on for a 9-7 win.

(1-3) CHARGERS AT (2-2) BRONCOS
Watching the Chargers crash and burn has been absolutely fascinating. Meanwhile, Denver never wins at home anymore, is missing both its starting wideouts, and is giving up 181 rushing yards per game. All of a sudden I'm starting to think the Chiefs or Raiders might win this division

SD will win.

HALFTIME UPDATE
Mile High fans boo their team off the field trailing 20-3 at the half. Mile High running back Travis Henry has inhaled 48 rushing yards. LT and Michael Turner have combined for 107 first half rushing yards. LT has 120 yards from scrimmage.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Norv Turner overcomes his profound retardation to coach the Chargers to a 41-3 win. Worst home loss ever for the Broncos. LT held to only 67 yards on 21 carries, but Michael Turner burns 147 yards on 10 attempts.

SUNDAY NIGHT
(1-3) BEARS AT (4-0) PACKERS
The only thing the Bears have done with any success this year is stop the run. Which is OK for the Packers because they don't bother trying to run anyway. If the Bears get beat by the Packers their season is ovah.

Green Bay will win.

FULLTIME UPDATE
It was all Packers in the first half. TDs by Greg Jennings and DeShawn Wynn had them up 17-7, and it could have been a lot more if not for a pair of fumbles by WR James Jones that killed drives. After the half though, the Packers could get nothing going, and had more costly turnovers. Brian Greise's pass to Desmond Clark put the Bears ahead to stay, 27-20, as the Bears save their season in a very entertaining game.

MONDAY NIGHT
(4-0) COWBOYS AT (1-3) BILLS
Wade Phillips was the last coach to take the Bills to the playoffs. This year he's taking the Cowboys to the playoffs. Stanford beat USC last night, and Trent Edwards played for Stanford last year, so there's that.

Dallas will win.


That's it. Have a great Week Five!