Third Hand Newz

SIMON BAR BITCH TITS RETURNS TO NFL

It's looking like The Big Tuna, Bill Parcells, is going to be put into a position of great authority by a 5th NFL team and become the Director of Football Operations for the Miami Dolphins.

The Dolphins have had great success in the past bringing in former Dallas Cowboys head coaches to run their entire franchise, like when they brought in Jimmy Johnson, who stayed for like a season and a half and then turned the keys over to Dave Wannstedt, who then ran the franchise into a telephone pole before leaving to destroy the University of Pittsburgh program.

Parcells is known as a great coach because he won a couple of Super Bowls back when a hot new band called Poison was teaching us how to love again, and Max Headroom had his own one hour show weekly show on ABC.

It's only been a mere 17 years since he last won a Super Bowl ring, which gives him the gravitas to refer to players like Terry Glenn as "she", even though he himself is the one with tits.

Owner Wayne Huizenga has reportedly had a conversation with head coach Cam Cameron telling him his job would be safe under the new regime. With each passing sentence I become more and more confident in the direction of this franchise.

TO SAYS YOKO A NO-GO

Terrell Owens sounded off on The Jessica Simpson Curse. He said that having Simpson in the stands hurt Tony Romo's focus during the Cowboys 10-6 loss last Sunday. He added that she is now persona non grata amongst Cowboys fans and in the Cowboy locker room, and that he has a special message for her come playoff time. In his pants.

MCNABB LOVES THE EAGLES VERY MUCH

During the fateful Eagles/Cowboys game, FOX sideline reporter Pam Oliver reported that McNabb had told her that he feels his days in Philly are numbered and that he feels the Eagles are beginning to distance themselves from him. McNabb then denied that he ever told her such things. I can't believe that Donovan McNabb would ever leave it to the media to make excuses for him. He never ever does that. I am completely shocked.

PRO BOWL SQUADS ANNOUNCED

The squads for the 2008 Pro Bowl were announced yesterday. This is a huge honor for all those selected. So huge that half of them choose not to show up for the game.

Here's a quick rundown of the starting lineups:

NFC OFFENSE

QB- Brett Favre
He's just having so much fun out there! He's like a big electrified fun machine! FUN!

RB- Adrian Peterson

Knocked me out of my fantasy playoffs thanks to 2 bullshit touchdowns in the Monday Night game. You are on my shit list for life now. Ask Donovan McNabb how that's worked out for him.

FB- Tony Richardson
Do any teams even use a fullback anymore?

WR- Larry Fitzgerald, Terrell Owens

TO's done the best babyface turn I have ever seen this year.

TE- Jason Witten

He's been the best in the league this year, after scoring only 1 TD in 06.

T- Walter Jones, Flozell Adams

G- Leonard Davis, Steve Hutchinson

C- Andrew Gurode

Three Cowboys on the offensive line making the Pro Bowl must make things pretty easy for Tony Romo huh? I wonder if Drew Bledsoe ever lies awake at night thinking he should be the one boinking Jessica Simpson.

DEFENSE
DE- Aaron Kampman, Patrick Kerney
DT- Kevin Williams, Pat Williams
Kerney's got 13 1/2 sacks and next to Randy Moss was the best free agent signing of this past offseason

LB- Julian Peterson, Lofa Tatupu, DeMarcus Ware
Elihu, will you come Lofa my stretch marks??

CB- Al Harris, Marcus Trufant

Geez, Seattle's got four NFC starters on its defense. Shouldn't their defense be, you know, good?

S- Darren Sharper, Sean Taylor

The NFC's going to have to play with 10 guys I guess.

VERY SPECIAL TEAMS

K- Nick Folk

P- Andy Lee

KR- Devin Hester

ST- Brendon Ayanbadejo

Ooooo the AFC better not kick to Devin Hester...they should just punt the ball backwards out of their own end zone.

AFC

OFFENSE

QB- Tom Brady

Is he still going to break Peyton Manning's TD passes in a season record? What happened with that?

RB- LaDainian Tomlinson
Has now rushed for over 1200 yards 7 times in 7 seasons. I'm sure the Falcons are happy they made Michael Vick the #1 pick in the 2001 draft instead of him. I forgot though, you can't measure Michael Vick's value with statistics. Vince Young's either. Chris Berman said so.

FB- Lorenzo Neal
I believe his picture is next to the dictionary definition of "brick shithouse".

WR- Randy Moss, Reggie Wayne

Moss has had only one 100+ yard game in his last 4. A knock on him was that he's not in good shape, so maybe he's wearing down at the end of the season.

TE- Antonio Gates

Overrated.

T- Matt Light, Jason Peters

G- Alan Faneca, Logan Mankins

C- Jeff Saturday

Yaaay!

DEFENSE

DE- Jared Allen, Kyle Vanden Bosch

It was a huge year for white defensive ends.

DT- Albert Haynesworth, Vince Wilfork

Haynesworth celebrated by stepping on someones face.

LB- DeMeco Ryans, James Harrison, Mike Vrabel

I guess Ray Lewis won't be able to do his dance during pregame introductions.

CB- Champ Bailey, Asante Samuel

If you have a defense with Champ Bailey on it shouldn't that defense be better than 22nd in the league?

S- Ed Reed, Bob Sanders

I don't know that there are 2 guys in the league who get more verbal fellatio during NFL broadcasts.

VERY SPECIAL TEAMS

K- Rob Bironas

P- Shane Lechler

KR- Joshua Cribbs

ST- Kassim Osgood

Cleveland gets only one guy and it's the kick returner? I call boolsheet.