NCAA Quick Hits - 8.24.07

• Nick Saban is attempting to finish what Tom Hanks started in 1994 - make Alabama football relevant again. Discounting their mid-major Bowl win at the Cotton Bowl during the 2006-2007 season, Alabama hasn't won a major bowl game since the 1993 Sugar Bowl, in which they defeated Miami, 34-13. When asked what Saban's gameplay would be to return Alabama to glory, he responded by offering Denzel Washington a chance to return to the Crimson Tide and coach the team. "With the success he had with the Titans, I can only imagine what he can do coming home to THE Alabama!" Roll tide, indeed.
  

• Boise State is in the midst of a lawsuit by the S.A.D.L. about their violation of seven different federal statutes regarding the unethical treatment of Smurfs for usage in the famous "Blue Turf" field in Boise, where Boise State coincidentally plays. "Their maiming of innocent Smurfs for their Smurf Jelly is asinine and despicable" claims Papa Smurf, as he smurfs hismelf to the latest issue of SmurfBoy, featuring the transgendered wife of Oklahoma head coach Bob Stoops. Just kidding - we all know Stoops could never get laid.

• USC Head Coach Pete Carroll is also in a bit of hot water today, as he was recently accused by the L.A. Times of improperly recruiting athletes to Southern California. "I would never violate NCAA policies in recruiting athletes to USC!" claims Carroll, who denies the charges of offering prostitutes and vintage L.A. Gear sneakers to potential recruits. He would, however, admit to threatening a life time subscription to "The Kenny G CD Collection" to Matt Leinhart for threatening to skip his final year at USC.

• In a brief bit of baseball news, the Texas Rangers raped the Baltimore Orioles, 30-3 this week, prompting outrage from the sporting community over the cruelty demonstrated by the Rangers. "There was no need for the Rangers to pummel the Baltimore Orioles like that! The Orioles are a gentle and kind species, and should be protected, not ravaged," exclaimed Michael Vick, while attending a mandatory PeTA conference.

• Speaking of Vick, Virginia Tech recently announced that they had no intention of taking down a flag bearing Michael Vick's number at their stadium. This of course refers to Vick's time in Blacksburg, where he managed not only to refrain from killing dogs, but also refrain from getting arrested. Actually, he probably did get arrested at some point, but looking up Michael Vick's arrest record is like looking up Britney Spears' dress - there's no good that can come from it.

• And finally, the BCS still sucks more sausage than the WNBA All Star Game. At this time, we here at FootballFutbol would like to announce our intention to break from the undeserved stereotype that all WNBA players are lesbians. Over 70% of WNBA players are of the "hideous hosebeast" quality, and should never be confused with the lovely lesbians that dot our computer screens regularly. At FootballFutbol, we strive for accuracy in blogging!