The Greatest Day In the History Of Our Sport- Week 3

The weather here in the Chicago area this weekend has been six star. In a matter of weeks, it's going to be 30 degrees and cloudy every day, and will be that way for mmmm about six months. That's probably true for a lot of people, so given that, you may want to spend tomorrow doing something outside instead of watching football. That's OK though, you can do that, because I'm going to tell you right now everything that will happen tomorrow.

- The Ravens and Cardinals will play a close, low scoring game. The Cardinals won't be able to run on the Ravens though, and that will lead to a narrow 17-14 win for the Ravens.

HALFTIME UPDATE
Don't know if the Cards can or can't run on the Ravens, because they've chosen not to. Baltimore is beating ass 20-3.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Whoa. That one almost got away from the Ravens. Kurt Warner came on for Leinart in the 2nd half and he and Anquan Boldin went apeshit. The Ravens pull it out on a last second field goal 26-23. I say the Ravens are going to win by 3, the Ravens are going to win by 3.

- St. Louis is going to fall to 0-3. They just really suck right now. The offense sucks, the defense sucks, the coaching sucks, everything just bad. That means, by default, Tampa Bay is going to start 2-1 because they are playing the Rams. I bet the Eagles totally want Jeff Garcia back.

HALFTIME UPDATE
The Rams once again looking horrible. 2 INTS for Bulger and the Bucs are on top 10-0.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Preseason Hall of Famer Earnest Graham lays a claim to the Bucs starting running back job, rushing for 75 yards and 2 second half TDs. Marc Bulger throws for 116 yards and 3 INTS, Bucs win 24-3.

- Either the Steelers or Niners are going to be 3-0 after tomorrow. I'll narrow that down for you and tell you the Steelers will be 3-0.

HALFTIME UPDATE
Steelers enjoying a breezy Sunday afternoon. Willie Parker already near 100 yards rushing, Steelers cruising 17-6.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Frank Gore held to only 39 rushing yards. Parker ends up with 133. Steelers deflower the Niners 37-16.

- The Eagles are going to blow out the Lions to get their first win of the season, and send the Lions to 2-1.

HALFTIME UPDATE
- Kevin Curtis has 205 yards and 3 TDs. Westbrook has 200 total yards and 3 TDs. I can't believe I'm not playing against either of these guys. I am playing against Kitna and Shaun McDonald though, who've combined for 3 TDs. Fucking play some defense in those goofy uniforms Philly.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Lions for some reason leave Jon Kitna in a 56-21 game the week after he suffered a concussion. Fucking inexcusable.

- If Kellen Clemens starts tomorrow, the Jets will beat the Dolphins. If Chad Pennington starts tomorrow, the Jets will beat the Dolphins.

HALFTIME UPDATE
Ronnie Brown has awoken from the dead with 148 total yards and a TD, but the Jets lead 24-13 behind 2 Pennington TD passes. The Pennington man shall pass.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Jets win a high scoring shootout 31-28. I think Wesley Walker and Freeman McNeil both had TDs, and there was a helicopter tackle in there somewhere.

- The University of Buffalo would have just as much chance of beating the Patriots tomorrow as the Buffalo Bills do.

HALFTIME UPDATE
Buffalo got out to an early lead but now is submissively taking its beating, 17-7.

FULLTIME UPDATE
4 TDs for Brady, 2 to Randy Moss. Pats win 38-7. I have not seen a team dominate like this in this league in this decade.

- Minnesota will beat KC in a game that will feature as many offensive fireworks as you would see in a high school freshman B game.

HALFTIME UPDATE
LJ's rushed for 19 yards on 16 carries. Adrian Peterson has 136 total yards and a TD, as Kelly Holcomb and the Vikings lead 10-3.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Nobody's perfect. I missed one. Rookie Dwayne Bowe's TD reception gives the Chefs a 13-10 win.

- The Texans aren't gonna beat the Colts.

HALFTIME UPDATE
We're early in the 3rd quarter and Indy's up 24-10 thanks to a pair of Addai TD runs.

FULLTIME UPDATE
My fantasy website said "anything less than 300 yards and 2 TDs would be a travesty" for Peyton Manning today. Well I guess we have ourselves a fucking travesty. 270 some and 1 TD for Manning as the Colts hang on to win 30-24.

- LT will bust out this week, and the Chargers will get a win in Green Bay. A close win.

HALFTIME UPDATE
LT's just put the Chargers up 21-17 in Q3.

FULLTIME UPDATE
369 yards and 3 TDS for Favre as the Packers stun the Bolts 31-24. Donald Driver and Greg Jennings combine for over 200 receiving yards, and Jennings TD catch puts the Pack ahead for good.

- The Seahawks will beat the Bengals 80-79.

HALFTIME UPDATE
Lots of offense. Not Lions-Eagles offense, but a lot. TJ The Iranian Terrorist is already over 100 yards with a TD, but its Seattle who has the lead 14-10 thanks to a 42 yard Hasselbeck to Branch TD.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Hasselbeck hits Nate Burleson for the go-ahead score, then the Bengals fumble the ensuing kickoff to end it. Housh and Ocho both over a hundo in a losing effort.


- Derek Anderson will throw 9 TD passes and Jamal Lewis will run for 400 yards as the Browns top the Raiders.

HALFTIME UPDATE
After last week's 50 Burger against the Bengals, the Browns are back to being the Browns we know and love. Derek Anderson has thrown for 75 yards and 2 INTs, but some special teams incompetence by the Raiders means the game is still tight, with Oakland up 16-10.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Lane Kiffin calls timeout before Phil Dawson drills thru game winning field goal. They line it up again and the Raiders block the kick. Seriously, you cannot script this stuff.

- Denver will beat Jacksonville on a last second field goal. They'll do nothing but win on walkoff field goals all year.

HALFTIME UPDATE
The Broncos will have to come from behind to win on a last second field goal, as the Jags are putting it to them early in Q3 20-7. Maurice Jones Drew, still bad.

FULLTIME UPDATE
Broncos running game as useless as Maurice Jones Drew, Jags get 23-14 upset win at Mile High.

- Byron Leftwich will make his debut at defensive tackle, and win a Kel Mitchell lookalike contest, but the Falcons will still lose to Carolina.

HALFTIME UPDATE
After scoring 3 TDs against my fantasy team last week, Steve Smith decides to take the week off. He has no catches as of halftime and the Panthers and Falcons are tied at 10. Joey Harrington's thrown for 262 yards and a TD? Roddy White has 112 yards? Whaaa?

FULLTIME UPDATE
DeShaun Foster uses his magical playing against one of my fantasy team powers to run for 122 yards and a TD as Panthers win 27-20. Joey throws for 361 and 2 TDs.

- The Redskins are going to be 3-0, the Giants 0-3.

HALFTIME UPDATE
The spiritual depantsing of the Giants continues, they trail 17-3.

FULLTIME UPDATE
The Redskins remember they are the Redskins and blow 17-3 halftime lead. Ruben Droughns rushes for 3 yards and 2 TDs for NYG. Redskins losing 24-17 but are on the 1 yard line as Campbell and Antwaan Randle El have highlighted drive in final minutes.

- Dallas is going to beat the Bears. Tony Romo is going to have a big game.

HALFTIME UPDATE

So let me get this straight. One of THESE teams is supposed to play in the Super Bowl against New England or Indianapolis or Pittsburgh. Oh that'll be a great game. 3-3 at the half as both teams have touchdown passes clunking off hands and shoulder passes all over the place.

FULLTIME UPDATE

329 yards and 2 TDs for Smilin' Tony Romo. TO catches 8 balls for 145 yards and Marion the Barbarian does what LT and LJ couldn't and rushes for over 100 against the Bears defense, who had so many players go down last night I thought I was watching Saving Private Ryan for a second there. Cowboys throttle the Bears 34-10.

So that's it. That's what's going to happen tomorrow. Go pick some apples tomorrow.