January Transfer Opens!

Transfer Period has opened and here's what each of the big name teams want and need.

Key: Name - Position - Club

Position:

Def: Defense
Mid: Midfielder
FW: Forward

Real Madrid

• Wants: Cristiano Ronaldo Mid (Man U), Xabi Alanso Mid (Liverpool), Yosuke Kashiwaga Mid (Sanfrecce Hiroshima)
• Needs: Consistency in creativity

I don't know why the fuck Real Madrid is thinking of offering $90 mil for C. Ronaldo when Robinho pretty much does the job he would do. Their problem is creative mid which is a pretty big fucking problem since they play a creative-based offense. What they have in the middle right now is all problems: Guti (inconsistent and a drama queen getting his ass benched) and Sneijder (invisible). They won't be getting that during this transfer window because of disqualification of that player for Champions League, so just let that shit go. As it is, their rumored transfer targets are all in the middle, but won't really fix anything.

Barcelona

• Wants: C. Ronaldo Mid (Man U), Fabregas Mid (Arsenal) , Alonso Mid (Liverpool), Amauri FW (Palermo)
• Needs: Sanity, check the egos at the door

First, Barca has Ronaldinho, Messi, Eto'o, and Thierry Henry up front with Giovani dos Santos (kicks fucking ass) backing them up. What the fuck would they need another striker for? I could see them investing in a midfielder with Deco crying about running from a fight, but they just have too many players with egos. Get rid of Ronaldinho and Eto'o and Barca would be fine.

Manchester United

• Wants: Dimitar Berbatov FW (Tottenham), Branislav Ivanovic Def (FC Lokomotiv Moscow), Jose Bosingwa Def (Porto)
• Needs: A FW that doens't care about not playing in Champions League and some Def for rotation from their insane schedule. Goalie that doesn't drop balls hit to his hands.

All three would actually be good pick ups with Man U's injury problems at FW (Rooney and Tevez banged up) and their defense looking tired. Man U also needs a goalie, but Ochoa from my Club America is a bit further away. Fergie recently defended his American owners which pissed off Man U fans, but really, even with the debt the Glazers put the club in, the Glazers have done a great job not micromanaging and letting the professionals do what they do.

Liverpool

• Wants: Heinze Def (Real Madrid), Wayne Bridge Def (Chelsea), Michael Johnson and Nedum Onuoha Def (Manchester City, Yay!)
• Needs: A partner with Torres up front

Look, I know Oli Porter's poor Liverpool is lacking some defense, but Torres looks pretty fucking lonely doing shit by himself. Get second striker, maybe Soldado or Saviola from Real Madrid or maybe one of the four a-holes from Barca that are fighting with each other. After a tie with Wigan has doomed their Premier title hopes, just like my new favorite band Scouting For Girls says in their song, "It's Not About You,": "I guess we got, I guess we got...nothing to say."

Chelsea

• Wants: Ivanovic Def (FC Lokomotiv Moscow), Nicolas Anelka FW (Bolton), Berbatov FW (Tottenham)
• Needs: God to stop the injuries, refs, and the African Cup of Nations from buttfucking them

Even with Jose Mourinho gone, Avram Grant was doing a pretty good job managing this club until everyone and their mom getting hurt. Lampard (2 spells out), Terry (3 spells out), Drogba (2 spells out), Carvalho, Cech (2 spells out), Cuducini, Malouda, Makelele, Ballack… and Essien, Mikel and Kalou are going to be gone from the African Cup of Nations. Seriously, what the fuck. And Avram hinted that the refs pick on them and usually I would say that's crying, but I honestly do think they like to pull out yellow and red cards on Chelsea. You know what? Maybe these target guys will help, but I think the injuries are going to catch up with them making Chelsea's hope for trophies solely from Champions League and the FA Cup.

Arsenal

• Wants: Carlos Vela FW (On Loan from Osasuna), Robinho FW (Real Madrid)
• Needs: Nothing. At all.

Many people thought that losing Thierry Henry would make Arsenal a midtable team, but instead it united them. They're what soccer should look like. It's like watching an artful machine where each gear knows its purpose and can express itself to its full potential. Wenger is said to be looking at some goalkeepers, but that's down the road. Right now, it's their philosophy of the New England Patriots of a few years ago with no stars against Man U's solving problems with big names like the Indy Colts did. Pats won more titles overall. So will Arsenal.

AC Milan

• Wants: Sergio Ramos Def (Real Madrid), Karim Benzama FW (Lyon)
• Needs: Jose Mourinho

So somehow you have the best player in the world in Kaka but you're a midtable team in your domestic league. HUHZ? They'll probably do alright in Champions being the defending champions and all, but really, what the fuck happened to AC Milan? I don't think Sergio Ramos is buyable especially since you boned Real Madrid from even talking to Kaka, and Benzama (who is pretty fucking awesome BTW) may be unreachable because Lyon may ask for 50 fucking mil just to even have a chance to land him. Instead, get Jose Mourinho and he'll bring a bunch of his players in (Drogba FW, Carvalho Def) and build from there. Why buy players for bullshit amounts and then get the manager after? Wait this season out and restart next season with Mourinho rebooting.

AND SINCE I HAVE TIX TO THE SEASON OPENER FOR THE LA GALAXY:

Los Angeles FC

• Wants: Figo Mid (Inter Milan), Zidane Mid (Retired), Maciej Zurawski FW (Celtic), Darren Huckerby FW (Norwich City)
• Needs: A striker. Period.

I hear Galaxy owners AEG bought Figo, so he either goes to the Galaxy or the other team they own, the Houston Dynamo. I like Figo, but if we were to get a has been, Zidane is the man. He was my favorite player when I first started liking soccer and he still rapes. Zurawski is a bencher, but damn if the Galaxy needs a striker. Landon Donovan isn't a real striker, yet he leads the team in goals. That's how bad they need a pure striker. Pavon sucked and got his ass waived.