5 Things I Learned From The Community Shield

The Community Shield is a "preseason" trophy game pitting the Premier League Champion (i.e. regular season points winner) vs. the FA Cup Champion (playoff-style bracket winner). That would make it Manchester United vs. Chelsea. While Man U played their best players, Chelsea didn't start one recognizable striker (no Drogba, no Shevchenko), instead relying on Joe Cole, recently acquired Malouda, and Shaun Wright-Phillips up front. Chelsea controlled the first half only to get shitted on by a Man U goal, and the second half feature Man U taking a dump on Chelsea. but still forcing a penalty kicks ending. Here are five things I learned from this match:

1) Mourinho was right.

Right in that Chelsea needs to score to win. Mourinho mentioned that the only time Chelsea lost big games was from PKs (see Champions League), and Chelsea missed all three of their PKs in the Shield. That's pretty sad. So if you want to be Chelsea, go to PKs.

2) Malouda is the shit.

He only played in the first half because he injured himself scoring a goal he created by himself. If you saw the goal, however, the dude is big, mean, and has finesse.

3) Frank Lampard is overpaid.

He didn't do shit but shank passes and shots. Then comes his PK and he shoots one to where my grandma can block it. After all the crying by Lampard about how he's worth best money in the league, he turned out to suck a lot of ass.

4) Man U Striker Wayne Rooney and newly acquired Chelsea defender Tal Ben Haim really hate each other.

The announcer kept mentioning it, but it needed to be repeated. The two were being cheap and physical to each other so much they both earned yellows. Long story short, Rooney got red carded shoving Haim in the face and fell like he was shot in the face with a shotgun when Haim was still playing for the Bolton Wanderers, and Rooney is still butthurt about it. It was pretty fun to watch these two shit on each other.

5) Cristiano Ronaldo runs Man U, not Rooney.

While Rooney was sucking and announcers cry about C. Ronaldo doing trickery that "leads mostly to nothing," C. Ronaldo is making the pass leading to the game-breaking goal and being another cog in the Man U machine. Oh, and he's also busting tricks every touch of the ball. Every time Ronaldo had the ball, three or four Chelsea defenders were on him. Meanwhile, Rooney was busy making out with Haim. Eat shit C. Ronaldo haters. In fact, here's a video to remind you how awesome C.Ronaldo is: