Saturday, November 1, 2008

NFL Week 9

JETS (4-3) AT BILLS (5-2)
The Line: Bills -5

The Setup
It's Saturday Night, and so far this week I don't think any more members of Brett Favre's Fave Five have been revealed, so there's a little less drama surrounding the Jets than there has been recently. The Jets since their bye week have been squaring off with awesome teams like the Raiders, Bengals, and Chiefs, and really should have lost 2 of those (they won 2, but the Chiefs outplayed them last week). The Bills followed up a feel-good home win over the Chargers with an ugly loss to the Dolphins that saw their secondary get scorched by Chad Pennington and Ted Ginn Jr. That could mean Favre has a big day, and if the Jets defense continues to play like its been playing (8th overall in yards allowed), the AFC East could get a lot tighter.

The Result
For the fifth time this year, the Jets defense held their opponent to under 50 yards rushing. That's pretty bad ass. I've been a Jets hater all year, but that's only because any time Brett Favre's name is even mentioned on my TV I go into convulsions. If they win because of their defense and their running game, which is exactly what they are doing, that's fine by me. Speaking of Favre, he threw one TD pass in this game, to the other team. He and Matt Millen will have to hug it out back at Matt Millen's ranch on a tractor built for two this week. As for the Bills, 4-0 turned to 5-3 really fast, and next week they go to Foxboro. And there is something wrong with Marshawn Lynch. I don't know what, but something.

Final- Jets 26, Bills 17
Fantasy Heroes- Jets DST 19 pts; Thomas Jones RB NYJ 15 pts
Defensive Stud- Kris Jenkins NYJ 5 Tackles, 2 Sacks

The Line: Jaguars -7 1/2

The Setup
The Jaguars get the 0-8 Bengals this week and the 0-7 Lions next week, so if they don't get their shit together here, I don't know what to tell you. If they are not 5-4 two weeks from now it's time to start firing people.

The Result
Things have officially reached Defcon 5 in Jacksonville, or Defcon 1, whatever Defcon is the worst Defcon. A loss to the winless Bengals has brought to the forefront what's been evident about this team all season, that they are an underachieving mess that would embarrass Al Davis. Jack Del Rio has taken such drastic measures such as rearranging the locker room and removing all the TVs, and sending linebacker Mike Peterson home from practice in the continuation of a spat that began when Peterson did a Lex Luger posedown after a sack with his team down 21-3 to the Bengals. All these things are nice first steps, a nice second step would be to tell Maurice Jones Drew to start opening his eyes when he gets a handoff, and perhaps think about NOT running 70 miles an hour right into his offensive line every time.

Yay for the Bengals and their first win. TJ Houshmandzadeh knew it was coming, he said leading up to the game, “We’re 0-8, but I think we’re a good 0-8 team, if that’s possible." To answer your question TJ, no, that's not possible.

Final- Bengals 21, Jaguars 19
Fantasy Heroes- Chad Johnson WR CIN 15 pts; Cedric Benson RB CIN 16 pts; JAX DST 12 pts; Maurice Jones Drew RB JAX 11 pts
Defensive Stud- James Joseph CIN 15 tackles, 2 PD

(4-3) RAVENS AT (3-4) BROWNS
The Line: Browns -1 1/2

The Setup
This is already the second time these two teams have played this year. The first meeting came when people still thought the Browns were good. A 21 point second quarter for the Ravens dropped the Browns to 0-2, and then everybody knew they weren't good. The Ravens ran it 44 times for 151 yards in that game, but last week they gave the Browns a lot to think about by running some goofy Wildcat stuff in a win over the Raiders. This is a big game for both teams. The Browns can get back into the playoff race for real with a win here, and the Ravens can make it 3 in a row and give themselves some breathing room in the wild card race.

The Result
Midway thru the 3rd quarter, the Browns were up 27-13, looking like they were going to get to 4-4 and set up for a second half playoff run. Next thing they knew, they were 3-5, their fans were screaming at them, and they've benched their quarterback. Brady Quinn should be the answer to all the Browns problems. It is totally Derek Anderson's fault that Braylon Edwards dropped another TD pass, Ray Rice rushed for 153 yards, and Derrick Mason had 9 catches for 136 yards. But, Derek Anderson seems to be the sacrifice the Island demanded, so here we are.

Final- Ravens 37, Browns 27
Fantasy Heroes- Ray Rice RB BAL 19 pts; Derek Mason WR BAL 21 pts; Joe Flacco QB BAL 21 pts; Mark or Michael Clayton WR BAL 14 pts; Braylon Edwards WR CLE 14 pts; Matt Stover K BAL 13 pts; Phil Dawson K CLE 11 pts
Defensive Stud- Terrell Suggs BAL, INT for TD

Go Get Em, Doofus


The Line: Vikings -5

The Setup

Thanks to the rampant mediocrity in the AFC, the Texans, like the Browns, are a team that has been able to rebound from a horrid start and now find themselves with a still-realistic chance of making the playoffs this year. For Minnesota to say the same, they need to win today, because a 3-5 record is pretty much a death sentence for most of the NFC. Things are already looking pretty bleak for the Vikings though, because their two big defensive tackles tested positive for Trimspa or something, and probably will be going away for a little while very soon.

The Result

And the team who still has a realistic shot at the postseason is.......the Vikings. Adrian Peterson has righted himself following a 3 game stretch early in the season where he failed to rush for 100 yards in a game, bottoming out with a 32 yards on 21 carries stinkeroo against the Saints. He had 139 yards in this one. Couple that with the Texans penchant for turning the ball over just when it looks like they are about to score, and the Vikings get a win that saves their season, a season which Brad Childress' job probably depends on. The Texans will be depending on Sage "Butterfingers" Rosenfels for a while, as Matt Schaub tore his MCL in this one, ending the Texans unprecedented three game streak of competent quarterback play.

Final- Vikings 28, Texans 21

Fantasy Heroes- Gus Frerotte QB MIN 24 pts; Steve Slaton RB HOU 11 pts; Adrian Peterson RB MIN 21 pts; Owen Daniels TE HOU 15 pts; Andre Johnson WR HOU 12 pts; Bernard Berrian WR MIN 18 pts, MIN DST 13 pts; HOU DST 11 pts

Defensive Stud- Jared Allen MIN 2 sacks, FF

(0-7) LIONS AT (4-3) BEARS
The Line: Bears -12 1/2

The Setup
These teams already met once this year, in Detroit, and the Bears beat the Lions by like 100 points. That doesn't bode very well for the Lions today. They did sign Daunte Culpepper to a two year contract this week though, so if you couple that with their addition of Rudi Johnson earlier this year, all they need now is a time machine that will make it 2004 and they should be able to do some damage.

The Result
It got ugly for the Bears for a while there. They gave 3 TDs in one quarter, to the Lions. They trailed by 10, their quarterback went down with a bad looking injury, the fans were booing, and Rex the Wonder Puppy comes bouncing onto the field. All of a sudden this pleasantly surprising season the Bears are having started to look like it was taking a very unpleasant turn. But the Lions being the Lions, they found a way to send the home fans happy (as long as they aren't their own home fans, of course). The Bears get the win and are all alone on top of the NFC North at the season's halfway mark, and Orton's injury reportedly isn't as bad as it looked like it might be, so if you're the Bears, you kind of just want to put this one behind you and move on to trying to knock off the Titans this weekend.

Final- Bears 27, Lions 23
Fantasy Heroes: Dan Orlovsky QB DET 21 pts; Kevin Smith RB DET 10 pts; Matt Forte RB CHI 14 pts; Calvin Johnson WR DET 15 pts; Shaun McDonald WR DET 12 pts; Rashied Davis WR CHI 12 pts
Defensive Stud: Lance Briggs CHI 10 tackles, FF


(5-3) BUCS AT (1-6) CHIEFS
The Line: Bucs -9

The Setup
The Chiefs got into the Halloween spirit a week early when they emerged from their sarcophogus and threw a scare into the Jets last week. What is really horrifying though, is the KC run defense, which has given up 197 yards a game this year. That should be a good thing for a Bucs team that could not get anything going at Dallas last week.

The Result
I remember watching this game on the Ticket, and when the Chiefs went up 24-3 the broadcaster doing the game said, "The rout is on". I was like, "Aaaaaaaah I bet not amigo". When you're on a 1-16 run, you have to be up 42-3 before "the rout is on". Wasn't it Herm that said, "You play the games to win the games"? Why exactly are the Chiefs playing these games right now then? I remember watching this game on the Ticket, and when the Chiefs went up 24-3 the broadcaster doing the game said, "The rout is on". I was like, "Aaaaaaaah I bet not amigo". When you're on a 1-16 run, you have to be up 42-3 before "the rout is on".

A loss is a loss is a loss, but on the bright side, in the last two weeks the Chiefs have given two potential playoff teams all they can handle, and Tyler Thigpen has looked like one of the better young quarterbacks in the league. they've done all this without Larry Johnson. LJ is supposed to be back this week, but if I'm Herm I tell Larry that he can go spend the next couple of months punching women in the face if he wants because the Chiefs really do not need him and his perpetual sourpuss right now. They can go right on losing every week without him by less than they'd lose by with him.

Final- Bucs 30, Chiefs 27 OT
Fantasy Heroes- Jeff Garcia QB TB 20 pts; Jamaal Charles RB KC 11 pts; Kolby Smith RB KC 10 pts; Antonio Bryant WR TB 19 pts; Tyler Thigpen QB KC 21 pts
Defensive Stud- Barret Ruud TB 13 tackles, 1 sack

The Line: Cardinals -3

The Setup
I said earlier that a 3-5 record is a death sentence for MOST of the NFC. Not for the Rams or any other NFC West team though. There, you can start printing playoff tickets at 3-5. The Cardinals get another chance to salt this division away this week, after failing to do so when they fell apart after leading at Carolina 17-3 last week.

The Result
Me and my brother went balls out for the Rams this week. We picked up Donnie Avery for the fantasy team, and the Rams defense. Few teams had been playing better of late and we were going to turn this to our advantage. We even painted swirly lines on the side of our heads. Then the Rams go out and get sat on by the Cardinals. Oops. Making things worse, the team we were playing against was comprised almost entirely of Arizona Cardinals. Even Steve Breaston. I've about had it with Fantasy Football.

Final- Cardinals 34, Rams 13
Fantasy Heroes- AZ DST 14 pts; Kurt Warner QB AZ 31 pts; Tim Hightower RB AZ 18 pts; Anquan Boldin WR AZ 14 pts; Derek Stanley WR STL 14 pts; Torry Holt WR STL 11 pts
Defensive Stud- Antrelle Rolle AZ INT for TD

The Line: Titans -4 1/2

The Setup
If you look at each NFL weekend like a WWE pay per view, as I always do, this game's not bad as a curtain jerker leading up to the double main event of Giants-Cowboys and Patriots-Colts. Green Bay is coming off a bye week, and the Titans are coming off a hard fought Monday Night win over the Colts that pretty much locked up a playoff berth for them. If the Titans are ever going to have a letdown, this seems like a likely time for it.

The Result
Well actually, this game turned out to be the Main Event of the weekend. Both of these teams played to their strengths, with the Titans pounding it with LenDale White and Chris Johnson, and the Packers able to gash the Titans secondary for some big pass plays. The game went into OT when Rob Bironas missed a long FG at the end of regulation. The Titans won the flip and got a big pass play to Johnson, and this time Bironas nailed the FG attempt to end it. A really good football game

Final- Titans 19, Packers 16 OT
Fantasy Heroes- Aaron Rodgers QB GB 23 pts; Chris Johnson RB TEN 21 pts; Donald Driver WR GB 19 pts
Defensive Stud- Jacob Ford TEN 2 sacks, FF

Broncos -4 1/2
The Setup
It feels like the Broncos haven't won since our whole economy went Communist. Actually, they have won one game recently, but only one. After a 3-0 start they've lost 3 of 4, culminating in a 41-7 kick in the balls from the Patriots last week. Lucky for them, they still hold a 1 1/2 game lead in the AFC West. The Dolphins beat the Bills pretty convincingly last week, and can put themselves squarely in the playoff picture with a win in Denver today.

The Result
The Broncos lose and it leads to a fiesta of quotes involving Brandon Marshall, who was upset that he had only 2 catches for 27 yards.

- Brandon Marshall on Jay Cutler's interpretation of defenses: "
When the quarterback sees 1-high or cover-1 (coverage), he’s got to be on the same page as me and get the ball to me But it’s a team game, and oh, well.”

-Brandon Marshall on Dolphins WR Greg Camarillo who had 111 yards against the Denver secondary: "
“I mean, I don’t even know that (Miami) receiver’s name who caught all those balls."

- Brandon Marshall on the Broncos game plan: "“I mean, when I look at it, it’s common sense. If I was a receiver going against our defense and they’re stacking the box and we’re playing a 1-high defense and eight in the box, and the DBs are 10 yards off of me, I’m going to catch 10, 12 balls a game."

-Joey Porter on Brandon Marshall: “He’s one of those soft receivers, where he has to have the ball all the time. If he don’t get it, he’s going to mope and cry. He did it to himself.”

Final- Dolphins 26, Broncos 17
Fantasy Heroes: Dolphins DST 13 pts; Ronnie Brown RB MIA 14 pts; Jay Cutler QB DEN 27 pts; Greg Camarillo WR MIA 13 pts; Peyton Hillis RB DEN 19 pts; Eddie Royal WR DEN 12 pts; Dan Carpenter K MIA 14 pts
Defensive Stud: Will Allen MIA 1 INT for TD, 1,000,000 frustration points on Brandon Marshall

Giants -9
The Setup
Dallas pulled it together and grinded out a win at home against Tampa last week, even though their offense looked largely inept. This week the Cowboys will be without Jason Witten, and if Brad Johnson stinks it up again may have to resort to Plan "B" as in Brooks Bollinger, and their defense is decimated as well. Actually more than decimated. "Decimated' means they would be missing 1 in 10 players, and they are missing more than that. This is the second heavyweight bout in as many weeks for the Giants, who KO'd the Steelers on the road last week.

The Result
The Cowboys get pounded, and now they are doomed again. Dooooomed! Let's face it, there's 2 paths the Cowboys can go down right now. Tony Romo comes back healthy and the Cowboys are much improved over what they are with an expired Brad Johnson or an inept Brooks Bollinger behind center, they have a 6-2ish second half and get a wildcard spot. The second path is Romo doesn't come back healthy and the team continues to stumble towards a .500 season. It's not that complicated. The only thing outside of Romo not being there that is really wrong with this team is that their run defense is below average. Other than that, they are still a good team.

Final- Giants 35, Cowboys 14
Fantasy Heroes- DAL DST 16 pts; Eli Manning QB NYG 22 pts; Brandon Jacobs RB NYG 19 pts; Derrick Ward RB NYG 14 pts
Defensive Stud- Justin Tuck NYG 6 tackles, 2 1/2 sacks


Eagles -7
The Setup
Will the Eagles be able to win without having their magical week after the bye week powers at their disposal? Will Mike Holmgren and Andy Reid dress up like each other for Halloween? Would anybody notice the difference if they did?

The Result
The game started with the Seahawks getting their longest play from scrimmage in their storied history, when Seneca Wallace hooked up with Koren Robinson for a 90 yard score. That play bumped out a 23 yard TD run by Curt Warner I in 1984, I think. Then the Eagles proceeded to beat up on a crappy team as only they can. This week they face the Giants, and hope to avoid completing their set of losses to teams in their own division. I won't say I hate the Eagles, but I feel happy every time they lose.

Final- Eagles 26, Seahawks 7
Fantasy Heroes- Donovan McNabb QB PHI 25 pts; Brent Celek TE PHI 15 pts; Koren Robinson WR SEA 18 pts; David Akers K PHI 14 pts
Defensive Stud- Darren Howard PHI 2 sacks

Falcons -3
The Setup
After a tumultuous beginning to their season, the Raiders have settled into a nice little mediocre groove. A couple of weeks ago the Jets came out to Al Davis' Mausoleum and got a loss hung on them. The Falcons are very Jet-like in their ability to play football, so I would beware if I were them.

The Result
Hey Patrick, you are right. The Raiders are not as good as the Browns. 

The Falcons had 30 first downs in this game, the Raiders had 3. The Raiders had 77 yards of total offense. So that's the offense. On defense, they released corner DeAngelo Hall this week, who they gave a 7 million dollar signing bonus to and traded two draft picks for this past offseason. You know what this reminds me of? Remember that retard that emailed me this summer after my Raiders preview, all angry at me for poo pooing the Raiders? Let me go find that.

Ok here we go. I won't bore you with the whole column, but here's the summary sentence:
"The Raiders have invested premium draft picks in their offense each of the last 2 years, and the offense still doesn't seem like it will be any good (BINGO!). Darren McFadden may be fun to watch, but the Raiders won't be (Darren McFadden not fun to watch, needs to be a a man and cut that fucking toe off already)."

"thec" said-
curious to know where you info is coming from. If you do some research you could find real answers instead of being a follower and posting the same old stuff everyone else is. This article is very strong on opinion, yet lacks nothing that was not already said on other blogs...ridiculous..

"nick pomazak" said-
do you want me to say the raiders are going to win the super bowl just because its different and not on other blogs? I won't because that's fucking retarded.  i'm curious to know what kind of "research" you are talking about that would reveal any profound truth about the raiders other than that they suck really really bad..

thanks for hating on my time post the link to your own so i can go piss on it.

When are people finally going to realize that I know everything about everything?
Final- Falcons 24, Raiders 0
Fantasy Heroes- Falcons DST 18 pts; Matt Ryan QB ATL 20 pts; Michael Jenkins WR ATL 18 pts; Michael Turner RB ATL 15 pts; Jerrious Norwood 14 pts
Defensive Stud- John Abraham ATL 5 tackles, 3 sacks, FF

The Setup
Once upon a time, like last year, this would be billed as "Super Bowl Whatever Super Bowl We Are On Now and 1/2". This year, it's kind of like watching a battle of the bands between the current iteration of Guns 'N Roses and INXS featuring the guy that won that TV show. It's kind of the same, but really not.
The Result
The Pats could afford to lose one here, the Colts couldn't. So it's fair to say that the Colts needed it more, and from there deduce that they wanted it more, so the old saw that "The team that wanted it more won" held true here. The Colts were treating this like a playoff game, even going so far as to use Marvin Harrison as a punt returner, which doesn't make sense to me because we all know Marvin Harrison curls into the fetal position whenever anyone touches him.  A 52 yard Adam Vinatieri FG provides the winning margin for the Colts, who live to stagger thru another week of meaningful play.
Final- Colts 18, Patriots 15
Fantasy Heroes- Peyton Manning QB IND 22 pts; Benjarvus Green-Ellis RB NE 11 pts; Anthony Gonzalez WR IND 17 pts; 
Defensive Stud- Bob Sanders IND 8 tackles, INT

The Setup
It's the night before election night in our nation's capital, and we are treated to a battleground matchup between the Steelers, who as per their name are apparently strong supporters of organized labor, and the Redskins, who are in favor of banning smallpox infested blankets. Which kind of reminds me..only country in history to use a nuclear weapon? USA. Only country in history to use biological weapons, against its own people no less? USA!  USA!  I will believe this until the day I die, there ain't no crazier people on this earth than White Americans.
The Result
The Redskins come out wearing maroon pants and maroon jerseys, and get marooned on the Island of The Ass Kicked, as the Steelers become the latest team to make the Washington offense look constipated, and win handily despite losing Ben Roethlisberger and replacing him with someone who looks like he ate Byron Leftwich. Actually, don't say this too loud, but Ben was playing like shit before he got hurt, completing 5 of 17 for 50 yards, so the injury's timing was pretty, shall we say, convenient? Mmmm?

Final- Steelers 26, Redskins 7
Fantasy Heroes- Willie Parker RB PIT 13 pts; Clinton Portis RB WSH 12 pts
Defensive Studs- James Farrior PIT 13 tackles, 1/2 sack, 3 PD 

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