Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Random NFL, EPL, La Liga, and even MLB

I know I haven't written any real articles lately. Most of it (here comes excuse) comes from using all my spare time to work on "Craplacticos: Rivalry," the next video series I'm coming out with. It's amazing how I can work 4 hours to produce 4 minutes of video. I decided to take this extra time and just write some random thoughts about the NFL, soccer, and a little showing off of my MLB gear.


The NFL Draft goes over the span of two days and involves players many people have never even seen play. Why does this become a ratings grabber? Why do we need 14 analysts on ESPN for the NFL Draft? For that matter, why do we WANT 14 analysts for the NFL Draft?

The NFL Draft works because teams legitimately can create a contender just building through the draft. Think of this: The Giants got a "C" grade from ESPN and all their players became starters, and they won a Superbowl with them. The NFL Draft is so hard to predict because teams draft (or should draft) on physical ability, not on accolades or college accomplishments. As a result, players that don't throw up huge numbers in college can do well in the pros because the teams that draft them train them with the best resources and knowledge in the sport.

Lots of sports sites like ESPN and SI.com give the "winners" and "losers" of the draft or draft grades, but they are often wrong. I can safely say that Bill Parcells drafts big ass guys, the Chiefs are looking to start a whole new team, and fuck Michael Vick, the Dog Whisperer.


Media got all butthurt about Avram Grant (or as Chelsea fans call him, the Clueless One) being a dick to them for not answering their questions with more than 3 words. Chelsea's Frank Lampard's mother died from pneumonia, so he couldn't play in the Man U match. Man U was 3 points up over Chelsea with 3 matches to go. Chelsea needed a win here to put the two teams at least level in points (Man U would still win the title on Goal Differential). Ballack scores a header for Chelsea to bring them up 1-0. Then Ricardo "Where's My Mourinho" Carvalho fucks up and gives a bad pass to a limping Rooney for a game-tying goal. Chelsea Forward Drogba and Ballack fight over who should take a free kick late in the game. Things looked really bad for Chelsea. Then, Chelsea gets a handball penalty kick and wins the match.

Man U was so mad, England interm-captain and Man U captain Rio kicks some poor chick leaving stud marks on her leg. Five other Man U players threw down with Chelsea groundkeepers. With two matches left, Man U has a chance to do the double (win EPL and Champions League) or get nothing. UH OH.


I'm going to ditch work ERRRRR call in sick next week Wednesday to watch Barcelona and Real Madrid play. The shame in this was the drama that could have been building up to it. It is tradition in La Liga that if a team clinches the championship, the next match will have the opposing team do a sort of champions celebration where they stand in a line in honor of the champion. That could have happened in the game I was going to watch where Barcelona would have to do the celebration for Real Madrid. The rumor went that if Barcelona did have to do the celebration for Real Madrid, they would put in the youth team instead of the starting team. Alas, things didn't fall into place.

Barca DID lose but...
Villareal won.

So Real Madrid, even though they won, had to wait until next week to clinch. Sniff sniff.


I just bought some sick Cubs gear. Check it:

Suck it.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Draft Countdown Rendered Moot

My lovingly updated multimedia draft extravaganza has been rendered useless.

The Dolphins today announced that they have signed Michigan tackle Jake Long, who I had going second in the draft, and will therefore make him the #1 pick.

I had Long going second, to the St. Louis Rams. This likely means that the Rams will select either pass rusher Chris Long, who I had going to the Dolphins, or defensive tackle Glenn Dorsey, who I've got going third.

Shaun Alexander has gone from MVP to unemployed in only 2 years. The Seahawks released him today, and will go with a combo of Julius Jones and TJ Duckett at running back in 08.


Perhaps most importantly, a blockbuster trade took place yesterday. The Chiefs traded Jared Allen, who led the league with 15 1/2 sacks last year in only 14 games, to the Vikings for the Vikings first round pick (#17 overall). Minnesota now has not only the best defensive tackle tandem in the game in Pat and Kevin Williams, but arguably now has the best pass rusher in the game in Allen. They also have Adrian Peterson. Now if only they could do something about that quarterback situation.

As for the Chiefs, they now have the sixth and seventeenth picks overall. I still say they should use that pick on Matt Ryan, because they need a QB desperately, and Ryan is the only one worth using the sixth pick on. At the same time, he won't be available at 17, because the Jets will likely snap him up with the 7th pick, and if they don't, the Ravens definitely will with the eighth pick. So, if they want to take a stab at solving their QB problem, they'll have to grab their sack and use that 6th pick on it, then use that 17th pick on a less glamorous offensive tackle or defensive lineman or something like that.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

NFL Draft Countdown

Hola! The NFL Draft is less than a week away. Quarterly forecasting at the jobby job has left me feeling like I suffer from Rocco Baldelli's mitochondrial disorder, but regardless, it's time for me to pull up my bootstraps and start preparing.

But how? My knowledge of college football is minimal. Therefore, my knowledge of the players entering the draft is also minimal. One thing I am good at though, is passing judgement on how well or poorly NFL franchises are run. So what I've decided to do is do what folks at sites such as Baseball Prospectus.com do, which is use the past to predict the future.

Come with me, as I rub my crystal balls, and stare back into the past, to give you, the future.

This year, for what I think is the very first time ever, the Dolphins have the first overall pick in the draft. Last year, the Fins had the 9th pick, and used it to draft 5 foot 2 Ohio State receiver Ted Ginn Junior. That worked out super.

This year, though, Miami has a new GM, whose strings will be pulled by Bill Parcells, who of course, is regarded as a genius thanks to winning a Super Bowl twenty years ago thanks to a coked up to the bejeezus Lawrence Taylor.

Parcells' last draft was with the Cowboys in 2006, and the Cowboys had the 18th overall pick, which they used to select linebacker Bobby Carpenter. Carpenter is currently about thiiiis close to becoming a San Jose Sabrecat, so that doesn't bode very well for the Dolphins here.

Prior to that though, Busty McManboobs actually had a nice little string of first round successes. The 11th pick in 05 brought DE DeMarcus Ware, who had 14 sacks last year, and the 20th pick that year brought DT Marcus Spears, who started all 16 for the Boys last year.

The Dolphins are either going to take Virginia DE Chris Long with the first pick, or Michigan OT Jake Long. Parcells' track record says he will go defense so....


Now the St. Louis Rams are on the clock. Scott Linehan is still their coach? Really. Okay then.

Last year the Rams used the 13th pick to take Nebraska DT Adam Carriker. Carriker was solid last year, starting all 16 games for a very mediocre defense. The 15th pick in 2006 brought Clemson corner Tye Hill, who has struggled with injuries and badness. The 19th pick in 05 was Alex Barron, who has started all 16 games at tackle two years in a row for the Rams.

This one is pretty much a no-brainer, which works out good for me. Orlando Pace may be going to the Hall of Fame, but he's been hurt since 2005, which at his age pretty much means he's done. Luckily for the Rams, a potential replacement falls into their laps here.


Awesome brah. The Atlanta Falcons are now on the clock...

The Falcons had a disastrous year in 2007. Michael Vick went up the river, and new coach Bobby Petrino quickly became former coach Bobby Petrino. Their new coach is former Jaguars defensive coordinator Mike Smith. The Jaguars defense under Smith was a throwback all the way back to the sepia-toned days of 2000, when the Baltimore Ravens won the Super Bowl with a pair of girthy defensive tackles freeing up their linebackers to make plays. Jacksonville had the same thing with tackles Marcus Stroud and John Henderson. There also happens to be a highly touted, big bellied defensive tackle that will be available with the third pick in the draft.


Excelsior! The Oakland Raiders are now ON THE CLOCK...

As Al Davis stirs from the crypt, let us look at the Raiders' recent drafts. Last year, they had the first overall pick, and used it on QB JaMarcus Russell. So far, JaMarcus Russell has looked like the next David Carr, only blacker. 06 also saw the Raiders in the top 10, because the Raiders are usually always really bad. They drafted Texas safety Michael Huff, who improved greatly last season after a slow start as a rookie. 05's 23rd pick was Washington corner Fabian Washington, who lost his starting job last year.

That's all nice info, but I think the pick you really have to look at is the 04 #2 overall pick, O-tackle Robert Gallery. Gallery was looked at as a can't miss prospect going into that draft. So far, he's missed. Boise St. tackle Ryan Clady is still on the board here, but the Gallery pick is going to preclude them from picking another offensive tackle. Creepy Al wants to win now, and he saw how Adrian Peterson carried the Vikings on his back last year. They already have Justin "Huggy Bear" Fargas to play the Chester Taylor role, so the choice here seems obvious.


Goo! Put the Chiefs on the clock yo!

Since Herm Edwards became KC's coach, they have had a pair of very successful first round picks. In 2006, they took DE Tamba Hali, who has had 15 1/2 sacks in his 2 year career. Last year, they went offense, and grabbed wideout Dwayne Bowe with the 25th pick. Bowe came up just 5 yards short of a 1000 yard season last year, and that was with the redoubtable Brodie Croyle and Damon Huard throwing the ball at him.

Herm's personality seems to indicate he'd be a conservative drafter. You know, always take the offensive tackle if he's available or some bullshit like that. He can definitely do that here, and nobody would fault him for it. God knows the Chiefs could use hel at that position. Remember though, that Herm is the same guy that drafted a kicker in the second round in 2005. He's the same guy who is BFF with Tony Dungy, who has gotten his Super Bowl ring thanks to having a tippy top QB. He's the same guy who plays in a division where his 3 opponents have all recently spent first round picks on a QB (Philip Rivers, Jay Cutler, and JaMarcus Russell).

He's the same guy who has a potential superstar receiver, a future Hall of Fame tight end who still has skills, a running back in Larry Johnson who can be one of the best in the league if he's motivated and healthy, and BRODIE CROYLE at quarterback. You tell me what doesn't fit here. Given that, I say the Chiefs stun everyone and choose this guy:


And the room gasps.

The NY Jets are now on the clock.

With Ryan being the guy the roomfull of angry Jets fans wanted, they now begin cracking each others skulls open and feasting on the goo inside. Whoever gets picked by them now will probably get booed. Manginius supposedly wants to build an athletic New England-style defense, and hasn't yet gotten to do that through the draft. Last year's top selection was corner Derrelle Reavis, and the year prior saw them go offense on each of their first 3 picks. That means you can bet they are going to get somebody who can rush the passer here, being that their top guy had only 5 1/2 sacks last year. They get a pretty lucky bounce here, because the best pass rusher in the draft who isn't Howie Long's son is still available.



So let's see who's up next. Holy shit are you kidding me? The Patriots? How the fudge did that happen? Geez I would videotape the other teams too if my "punishment" entailed my 18-1 team getting the 7th pick in the draft...my God...

Okay then..the Patriots are on the clock..

Friday, April 11, 2008

UEFA's Final 4 Set

If you think the NBA and NHL playoffs take forever, consider the UEFA Champions League. This thing started on July 17, of LAST YEAR, with a 0-0 draw between Olimpi of Georgia (the country, not the United State of America), and Astana, of Kazakhstan. Very niiice.

Now, nearly 9 months later, the field has been winnowed down to 4 teams, and unbelievably, neither Olimpi nor Astana are one of them.

Let's take a look at the 4 that are.


The Reds, by virtue of making it to the semifinals, are one of the top 4 clubs in Europe. They are also actually in danger of not being one of the top 4 clubs in England. They've struggled in the Premier League this season, and are only 3 points ahead of Everton for 4th place. England's top 4 teams get invited to the Champions League, so ironically enough, Liverpool may need to win this year's Champions League just to get invited back into the next one.

Liverpool reached the semifinals by busting open a 2-2 tie game against Arsenal in the final 5 minutes. The first leg of the matchup resulted in a 1-1 tie at Arsenal, so with the aggregate at 3-3 and Arsenal with 2 away goals to Liverpool's 1, the Reds faced elimination until Gerrard's goal. Ryan Babel then salted it away in injury time, giving Liverpool the win on the 5-3 aggregate.

Having bested one English rival, Liverpool advances to face yet another one.


Chelsea is kind of like the New England Patriots, if the Patriots were funded by the Russian mafia. They are the nouveau riche of the soccer world, having stepped up their spending exponentially in the new century to separate themselves from the rest of the football riff raff. Of course, they are not the only club to do this, but since they are owned by the Russian mafia they tend to be criticized more than other clubs for doing this.

The Blues (English football teams have pretty shitty nicknames, Liverpool is "The Reds", Chelsea is "The Blues"), had their backs against the wall in the tournament after being stunned in the opening leg of their match against Turkish side Fenerbahce, 2-1. Deivid "Hulk" De Souza, number 99 in your programs but #1 in your hearts, made up for an earlier own goal by scoring the game winner in the 81st minute. The Yellow Canaries (now there's a nickname) could make themselves the George Mason of this tournament if only they could repeat this performance in the second leg at Stamford Bridge.

Which, of course, they didn't. Michael Ballack's header put Chelsea ahead 4 minutes into the second leg, and Frank Lampard scored 83 minutes later to finish stuffing the Turks.


How many sports teams do you know of that have a 180 seat commercial airliner painted up in their colors with pictures of their players plastered on the sides? I only know of just this one, Manchester United. The Red Devils are owned by Malcom Glazer, who also owns the Tampa Bay Buccaneers of the NFL. A couple of years ago United fans were ready to burn down the observatory over having an American owner, now I guess they are learning to live with it, because they are in 1st place in the Premier League and have a shot at their first Champions League title since David Beckham and mates won it in 1999.

To get to the semifinals, United polished off a bunch of greaseballs from AS Roma who had shocked Real Madrid to advance to the quarters. Man U won the opening match 2-0 behind goals from Cristiano Ronaldo, who at this particular point on the space-time continuum is probably the best player in the world, and Wayne Rooney, who might be the best English player.

With a 2 goal lead built on away goals, it was a fait accompli that United would advance, and they did, winning the home match 1-0. United will face the only non-English team remaining next, a team led by a certain horse faced young man you may know very well.


Actually, Ronaldinho hasn't had a very good year this year, and he's probably not the best player on this team (that would be Argentine Lionel Messi). He is still the horse face of the franchise though.

Barca crushed the dreams of pale skinned, red nosed, belligerent Irish people everywhere when they knocked out Celtic in the round of 16, after the Glaswegian side threw a scare into them in the first leg of the matchup. They had a much easier time of it in the quarterfinals, when they pitched a pair of 1-0 shutouts at German side Schalke 04. Schalke 04's name reminds me a lot of "Scheisse" which is the German word for "shit", which is what the German Bundesliga generally is, so it's fitting that they were the last representative left alive from that league.

The Catalan side has won this thing as recently as 2006, when they defeated Arsenal in the final, but they aren't as good as they were then. This year, they are struggling to hold onto second place in La Liga, and will be heavy underdogs against Man U.

***LATE NOTE- This weekend it was announced that Ronaldinho has agreed to terms to play for AC Milan after this season. He will no longer be the horse face of the franchise.

The matchups start April 22. Yay!

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

How to be a role model like Patrick N

In the season finale, when you follow my tips about being a man's man, people will want to have you as their role model. Here is how to be a role model like Patrick N.

For those that are fans of my Craplacticos series, my next series of videos will be for you.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Third Hand News

Blogging about the NFL in the lull between free agency and the draft isn't the most exciting thing in th world.

I suppose I could post daily mock drafts where I pontificate on the 40 time of some guy who is going to be a 7th defensive back for the Panthers or something like that, but I tend to be of the opinion that all the draft hype is a giant circle jerk, so I won't do that. Make no mistake, once the draft happens I will pick it apart in exhaustive fashion, but there's just too much Opening Week baseball love going on in my world right now to go into detail on the finer points of choosing between Howie Long's son and Glen Dorsey.

But...that said....that doesn't mean there's not some third hand news to report.

- Remember a few weeks ago when Brett Favre retired hours after Randy Moss resigned with the Patriots? Remember how I said there was something to that? Well, now there's heavy mouth breathing going on regarding Favre coming out of retirement, to play for a different team. Favre denied it in an SI interview this week, but where there's smoke there's usually fire.

Favre was super pissed last year when the Packers failed to get Moss, and when they failed again this year, I'm of the opinion that was the last straw for him with the Packers. He still wants to play, he just doesn't want to play for the Packers. That said, he doesn't have a whole lot of other options. There aren't too many contending teams with a glaring need for a starting QB. I really can't think of even one. Maybe Minnesota. Maybe. Expect Favre to stay retired.

- The Bengals are short one delinquent, having finally cut lose WR Chris Henry this week after he was arrested for something, again. This reminds me of a GM situation on me and my brother's fantasy team last fall, when Henry came back from suspension. Brother wanted to sign Henry, I'm like "Hells no, that guy is a jagoff and he looks like Juwanna Mann." End of discussion. No Chris Henry for us.

- Apparently there are rumors swirling that the Eagles will trade Donovan McNabb before the draft. McNabb told the Philly Inquirer that Andy Reid assured him those rumors were false. Then he threw up on everyone.

- In more news from the Cincinnati Bengals Behavioral Health Hospital, Marvin Lewis has said the Bengals are prepared to face 2008 without unhappy WR Chad Johnson. Ocho Nutso commented on that by saying, and I quote, "The player is not gonna change. Chad has to do what's right for Chad.". I am totally going to say that to my boss lady during my next review. Except of course, I will probably say "Nick" instead of "Chad". I might say "Chad" though.

- And finally, the Cubs are blowing dick in this first week of the MLB season. Bwahahahahaha.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

How to drive like Patrick N

With so many wuss drivers out there, this video will show you how to drive like a man giving you the secrets of the road.