Wednesday, April 29, 2009


Chelsea's coach Guus Hiddink predicted that the first leg of his team's Champions League semifinal matchup with Barcelona would be high scoring proved an elaborate Three Amigos-esque ruse as his club, searching for their first ever Champions League title (they finished second last year), slogged to a scoreless draw against the top team in La Liga.

Barca controlled the action, taking 19 shots to only 3 by Chelsea. The scuttlebutt is that Chelsea is really happy with this result, but when you look at it statistically, they still need to beat Barca in the second leg in order to advance to the finals. Barca can get a 1-1 tie and advance because Chelsea didn't get any precious away goals.

The second half of the Champions League semifinals takes place this afternoon, when English rivals Arsenal and Man U clash at Old Trafford. Manchester United is trying to become the first team since AC Milan in 1990 to repeat as European Champions.

Monday, April 27, 2009

NFL Draft Grades


7 = Large number of starts from draft or free agents, low risk, picks will likely have a pro bowler
1 = Next to no amount of starts from draft or free agents, high risk, picks will likely not make roster

Denver Broncos (2): Weak draft with low possibility for even rotation players
Baltimore Ravens (4): many rotation players with Oher possibly starting
Houston Texans (5): Brian Cushing is a starter and a coin toss probowler
Buffalo Bills (5): Got lots of offensive line help they needed; starters or rotation guys
Kansas City Chiefs (6): Matt Cassell from free agency will give you a bunch of starts but no Probowler, Tavarus Jackson is a starter and coin flip Probowler
Cincinnati Bengals (6): Rey is the shit who has Probowl potential, him and Andre Smith will be starters
Indianapolis Colts (5): D. Brown will compete for a starting position, Moala DT from USC is legit, J. Powers from Auburn is a borderline rotation guy
Miami Dolphins (5): I want to put 6 because Pat White fits their offense perfect, but I'm being gunshy; V. Davis is a starter, P. Turner is an okay WR from USC borderline rotation guy
Oakland Raiders (1): Did you know the Raiders have passed over Jay Cutler, Demarcus Ware, Lights Out Merriman, Philip Rivers, Matt Ryan, and Matt Forte? 7th pick was 4th best WR projected to go 50th and 2nd pick wasn't even in Mel Kiper's 2009 draft book.
Cleveland Browns (5): Traded a pick they didn't need for three players Mangini got before, Mack will be a starting center
Jacksonville Jaguars (5): Got some borderline starters at the offensive and defensive line
New England Patriots (5): Same Patriots drafting in the second round because 1) it's cheaper and 2) they don't need starters; they got a bunch of solid rotation guys that could move into starting positions should people get hurt
San Diego Chargers (4): Lots of rotation guys, I like Larry English but a lot of people don't so I got scared
Pittsburgh Steelers (3): Got some guys that can compete for bench spots which is all you can ask from a team that was already built enough to win a Super Bowl
Tennessee Titans (4): I think they did well, but these picks are all wait and sees
New York Jets (6): I know I said I think Mark Sanchez will fail, but he will probably start and he does have a chance at the Probowl which ranks high on my system
Arizona Cardinals (6): Second to last in the first round and they get the exact things they needed - a sweet running back in Beanie Wells and NOT losing Boldin; these guys are going to shit on people
Chicago Bears (7): Jay Cutler gives you a lot of starts, they got a WR that will probably start, and Jarron Gilbert was said to be the best DT of the draft which means another starter; YES, NICKY P? OR ARE YOU STILL SKEPTICAL
Atlanta Falcons (4): They got Tony Gonzalez from free agency, but their draft picks are kinda whatever
Dallas Cowboys (2): Screwed themselves by only having picks in the 3rd round, they didn't get shit
St. Louis Rams (5): First pick J. Smith will be a starter but not a Probowler
Detroit Lions (5): Stafford and Pettigrew will get you starts but no Probowls but not because the players suck
Carolina Panthers (5): Starters and rotation guys
New York Giants (5): Rotation guys for the first five picks on an already great team
San Francisco 49ers (6): Got Crabtree because the Raiders need the blue parking, instant starter and probably a Probowler
Green Bay Packers (7): B.J. Raji is a possible Probowler DT, C. Matthews OLB from USC will take a dump in some people's mouths starting every game
New Orleans Saints (4): M. Jenkins at pick 14 is alright and will be at least a rotation guy
Philadelphia Eagles (6): Owned everyone with five solid picks in a row
Seattle Seahawks (7): Aaron Curry looks like the Green Mile dude and his comment was "Now I can feed my family" when he got picked, this guy is pretty awesome skill and personality-wise and my favorite guy of the draft, Probowler almost guaranteed unless shitty Mora fucks it up
Minnesota Vikings (4): competition for rotation spots
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3): Kansas St. QB Freeman at 17th pick? I guess he'll compete to start, but uhh, I threw up in my own mouth a little
Washington Redskins (5): Starter DE Orakpo and a rotation guy in CB K. Barnes isn't too bad

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Drafting My Ass Off

10:00 AM

Good morning and welcome to St. Mel of Kiper day. We are 4 hours, 55 minutes, and 51 seconds until Paul Tagliabue goes to the podium and announces that Matt Stafford is sentenced to being the new quarterback of the Detroit Lions for the next 5 years of his life. He may or may not then be injected with Mexican Swine Flu, probably not but after 2 years of this he will probably wish he was.

I try and avoid national sports media at all costs. My sports media diet consists mostly of SI and the brain damaged people that call up The Score here in Chicago. Given that, this is an interesting draft in that nobody in Chicago cares about it. The Bears have no first or third round pick, and they've already shot their goo on the Jay Cutler trade. But that doesn't mean the other 31 teams are non-plussed on this. Ohhh no...they are very plusssed.

What am I interested in today? I am interested to see which team gets the Dirty Sanchez, who will climb the Crabtree, where will USC's heralded trio of linebackers end up, and mostly I am interested in breathless hyperbole.

I'll be updating Twitter style throughout the day. That's what all the cool kids are doing now.

10:10 AM
ESPN is starting its coverage now. Cris Carter is asking what the difference is between Stafford and Chuck Long, Andre Ware, and Joey Harrington. Tirico says arm strength. Right now I'm pretty much watching 5 guys trying to talk themselves into why they are spending 8 hours of their lives talking about a draft where the #1 player selected is somebody who most of them think in their heart of hearts is the next Joey Harrington.

10:20 AM
Suzy Kolber is standing in front of the rear projection TV I had in my condo in 2002 doing a mock draft. Oh now I see what is so special about this TV, you can touch things and drag them across the screen. It's like a giant Ipod touch. Right now they've got the OT from Baylor going second to STL, and the defensive end from LSU going to KC. They've got Crabtree going to Seattle, and BJ Raji going to Cleveland at #5. Every team drafting in the top 5 has a new head coach this year. When they come back, they are going to talk about trades, specifically are Anquan Boldin and his steel plated face, and Braylon Edwards and his steel plated hands going to be re-located today.

10:30 AM
The Cardinals have one offer for Boldin, and it's not a good one apparently. Julius Peppers is another guy who could be traded but probably not. Braylon Edwards is probably not going to be traded because the Browns already traded Kellen Winslow and Donte Stallworth is in a bit of legal trouble for running over somebody while he was drunk and killing them. Redskins QB Jason Campbell is a Redskin right now but an unhappy Redskin. The Redskins feel like their is somebody out there better than him to run Jim Zorn's system. I feel there are better systems out there than Jim Zorn's system.

10:35 AM
I'm going to have to get my ass to the gym sometime today. I'm thinking maybe in like half an hour. I also am waiting for a call from somebody who is supposed to try and fix my dishwasher. Honestly I'd rather just do without the dishwasher. I am pushing hard for paper plates, and one cup that you drink out of at all times. Just like college. When the dishwasher is on it sounds like I'm inside a submarine and I can't hear the TV. I don't like that.

10:40 AM
Time to find out what the Rams are thinking. I'm thinking, why is their GM wearing an Oregon State polo shirt today and not a St. Louis Rams polo shirt? Come on man. Oooh now Carter is saying the Rams don't want to use that #2 pick because they feel like they made a mistake taking Chris Long with that same pick last year, and because they don't want to pay a #2 pick. I fucking hated Cris Carter when he was a player but I have to say he is rocking shit so far this morning.

11:00 AM
Todd McShay and Kirk Herbstreit are squaring off now, talking about who the best offensive player in the draft is. First guy they mentioned was Percy Harvin the WR from Florida, then Crabtree, then the buzzer sounds before McShay can complete his thought. Herbstreit says USC's Clay Matthews is the best defensive player in the draft, McShay says Aaron Curry. Me, given the choice between somebody whose father played in the NFL and one that didn't, I always take the latter. We have a Matthew McConaughey feature reviewing ghosts of drafts past coming up. I wonder if that ties in to his new movie. I bet it does.

And here it is. Ken O'Brien selected in front of Dan Marino. Blair Thomas in front of Emmitt Smith. All cancelling out the awesomeness of the green helmets the Jets used to wear.

Jack Thompson, the Throwin Samoan, drafted ahead of Joe Montana by the Bengals. Ki Jana Carter taken first overall. Matthew McConaughey looking very gaunt.
Tirico says he's now going to ask his panel about their ghosts of girlfriends past wink wink nudge nudge. Dilfer has only had sex for procreation, Carter does a mental roll call of all his illegtimates. Tirico says he's just kidding. I wish he wasn't. That would have been infinitely more entertaining than TJ talking about the jiggly offensive lineman from Alabama. I am starting to realize I don't know anybody's name in this draft.

11:15 AM
Alright I'm taking a break. Need to do some stuff. Be back later.

2:00 PM
Ooooh hooo hooo I'm back. My dishwasher has a broken rotor, which caused a buildup of crap in my sump. So my dishwasher and I are basically in the same physical condition. I've cracked open the first Michelob of the day and am defrosting some hot dogs. The good ones from Omaha Steaks none of this Ball Park shit. I got these hot dogs for Christmas. For real. Over on ESPN2 they are asking the musical question of whether Matt Stafford can lead a Detroit turnaround. If anyone is leading a Detroit turnaround, it's Calvin Johnson, not Matt Stafford. I'm not feeling a whole lot of Matt Stafford love from this crew, they are like totally nipples hard over Mark Sanchez but they are already making apologies for Stafford.

2:10 PM
We're within an hour and they've moved from the studio show to the awesome 4 at Radio City Music Hall, our lineup today is Kiper, Keyshawn, Steve Young, and Berman. Jason Smith is waving at us...he seems very smiley, kind of like a less angry Warren Sapp. Kiper's saying he's the guy the Rams are going to take at#2. They also like this OT from Virginia Eugene Monroe, causing them to invoke the name of another Virginia tackle who went a couple years ago, and whose name you heard like every 5 minutes in April 2006, D'Brickashaw Ferguson. If D'Brickashaw Ferguson's name was Mike Smith he probably would have went in the 4th round. If a guy has a cool name I automatically downgrade him 100 points. That's why I like this Jason Smith, his name is not fun to say and he went to Baylor, so you know he's 100% skill 0% hype..because nobody named Jason Smith from Baylor University is going to get talked about as a top 3 pick unless he's really really good.

2:20 PM
I don't know a damn thing about Star Trek but I'm on board with this movie that's coming out in a couple weeks. The promos look bad ass. And it's done by Bad Robot, which does Lost, which I am obsessed with. Kiper says Wake Forest linebacker Aaron Curry is the best player in the draft. He also visits kids at the Childrens Hospital and has a kid with leukemia at the draft as a guest of his. He makes Tim Tebow look like Tank Johnson when it comes to citizenship.

2:30 PM
Mort is talking about BJ Raji and how he tested positive for marijuana. Mort doesn't seem like he's too worried about this, he's all like, he tested positive for marijuana earlier in college but that positive test at the combine was a false positive and he plays alot like Warren Sapp (who also tested positive for marijuana) and shit I'm Mort and I'm on marijuana right now so no problem here.

2:40 PM
Young comes right out and says if it were up to him he'd take Sanchez over Stafford with the #1 pick. Why do I get the feeling that 3 years from now this debate will seem even more of a waste of brain cells than Leinart vs. Vince Young. Keyshawn also says he would take that's a surprise. What school did Keyshawn go to? Oh yeah. Sanchez isn't getting picked until the Niners pick at #10, at the earliest, if not then he's probably going #12 to Denver. That's barring a trade. Herm Edwards is sequestered at a table with Trey Wingo, talking about baking an apple pie. I wish they'd just give Herm a pot of coffee and microphone and dispense with the other 20 people they've got covering this.

2:55 PM
My internet and satellite go out almost simultaneously. What a fail. I have the internet back, no satellite though. Even in the future, nothing works.

3:00 PM

The tv feed is back. Just in time for the greetings and salutations.
Here comes Roger Goodell to welcome everyone. He announces the Lions take Matt Stafford and everyone boos. Mrs. Football asks "Why are they booing?" I'm like "I don't know". Then she asks "Is this football?" I say "Not really".

3:05 PM
Stafford has Erin Andrew's microphone in his face, he says he is living the dream. Steve Young, meanwhile, is talking about "metaphorical dead bodies all over the place". Pleasant.

3:15 PM
The Rams take Baylor offensive tackle Jason Smith with the second overall pick. He used to be a tight end, so not only is he big but he's got some athleticism. The Rams are apparently making the decision to build around Mark Bulger, with Smith to protect him. I all that strategy uninspiring.

3:30 PM

KC takes LSU DE Tyson Jackson with the #3 pick, as they continue to reunite the LSU front 7 after taking Glenn Dorsey last year. Kiper is all like why are you taking a defensive end when you are switching to a 3-4 defense, a defense that does not use a defensive end per se. The answer to that, Mel, is because they are the Chiefs.

3:35 PM
#4 pick and Seattle takes Wake LB Aaron Curry, who Kiper says is the best player in the draft. Seems like a great guy too. Too great to be playing for a in over his head lucky sperm club member like Jim Mora Jr. I wish him and his shiny suit well.

3:40 PM
All the fans are going nuts and rubbing each other because the Jets are trading up to #5 to take Mark Sanchez. J-E-T-S and so forth. Sanchez puts on a Jets hat and all the meatballs in the crowd go nuts. What's Matt Leinart up to these days?

3:50 PM
The Bengals take Mr. Bojiggles Andre Smith with the 6th pick. Now they've got an offense that has Cedric Benson, Chad Ocho Sucko, and now this guy at 3 key positions. Hoo boy. Mrs. Football looks at him and says, "He's not gonna make it". It's funny when people that know nothing about football know more about football than the people whose job it is to know about football.

4:00 PM

Michael Crabtree looks like someone just crapped in his lap as the Raiders take Darrius Heyward Bey from Maryland. He's the top receiver taken in the draft, and he's sitting at home. Crabtree sits in the green room and I think the men in the white coats are about to escort him to the Aaron Rodgers pavilion.
The Raiders are so fucking crazy.

4:01 PM
Everyone is in shock at this pick. McShay comes right out and says this is going to be a bust and that Bey is the 4th best receiver in the draft. He's fast but he can't catch.

4:05 PM
The Jaguars decide they don't want Crabtree either and go with Virginia OT Eugene Monroe. That's 3 out of the last 4 years Virginia has had someone go in the top 10. D'Brickashaw Ferguson we've already talked about, overrated, Chris Long was already dissed by Cris Carter earlier today, so I'm guessing this won't work out so great either. But, as they talked about on this show earlier, what's the worst that can happen with an offensive tackle, if he sucks you can always move him to guard where he will probably be OK. A tackle is a safe pick, but when Crabtree is out there and you are the Jaguars and your #1 receiver is the very old Torry Holt, safe isn't the place you want to be. Now Green Bay is going to take Crabtree to be Aaron Rodgers wonder hookup and as a Bears fan that makes me very very sad.

4:15 PM
Or maybe not, the Pack takes BC defensive tackle BJ Raji with the #9 pick. The panel likes this pick because Chicago and Minnesota are teams with good (Matt Forte) to great (Adrian Peterson) running backs who Green Bay needs to stop. OK sure. Why have I been hearing then for the last 6 months how great Crabtree is then and now nobody wants him?

4:21 PM
And Crabtree falls into the laps of the 49ers at #10. Unfortunately he has no quarterback on this team. Ehhhhhhh....It's funny how in SF now you have a receiver with no quarterback, and in Chicago you have a quarterback with no receivers. This is why a 9-7 team can almost win the Super Bowl.

PICKS 11-20
After the top 10 I didn't know anybody and kind of checked out. I flipped on the Cubs/Cardinals game just in time to see Pujols hit a 750 foot grand slam. That made me happy and I went down for a 2 hour nap in which I dreamt I was watching an old timey movie that had had Chevy Chase's father in it. While that was going on, we had the following selections.

#11- Buffalo takes defensive end Aaron Maybin from Penn State. He's a pass rushing specialist type with the added twist that he runs very slowly for somebody who plans to make a living doing that.

#12- The first running back of the day doesn't go off the board until the twelfth pick, which has to be some kind of record. The Broncos take Georgia's Knowshon Moreno, and somewhere Mike Shanahan's all like you idiots you use a first round draft pick on a running back, I would just go down to the homeless shelter and give the first black dude I see who weighs over 200 pounds a contract and have him rush for 1000 yards in my scheme.

#13- Washington takes Texas defensive end Brian Orakpo. He seems pretty solid, but since he went to Texas, I will assume he's a big weirdo who will be out of the league in 5 years.

#14- The Saints take Ohio St. corner Michael Jenkins. Looking at the highlights ESPN showed of him, he seems very good at picking off passes that look like American Beauty esque hot dog wrappers caught in an updraft, thrown to receivers who have run the wrong the route against teams like U of Washington who went 0-13. This should translate well in the NFL. Everyone expressed doubt over whether he could only cover somebody in a zone defense or if he could cover someone man to man. He should fit in great in the Saints secondary, because none of them can cover anyone either.

#15- Houston takes USC linebacker Brian Cushing. My scouting report on Cushing, super intense white dude who will be hurt all the time. Fail.

#16- The Chargers take Northern Illinois DE Larry English. I live 20 minutes from DeKalb and I had no idea that Northern Illinois had any decent football players let alone a top 20 draft pick. The panel talks about how the Chargers have talent at every position and anyone they draft is just for depth. That must be why they've won so many Super Bowls.

#17- Tampa drafts a quarterback, Kansas St.'s Josh Freeman. Freeman is 6 foot 6 and according to is a "cross between Byron Leftwich and Jason Campbell"...ewww. That's good?

#18- Denver uses the first round pick they got for Jay Cutler to draft the terrorist Obama used to go on panty raids with, Robert Ayers.

#19- Philly drafts another fast finesse receiver for McNabb to make "you ran the wrong route" gestures at whenever he throws an incompletion. Jeremy Maclin, congratulations, your career is now doomed.

#20- The Lions get their second selection of the first round, and its Oklahoma St. tight end Brandon Pettigrew. Pettigrew had a bad workout at the combine, has "character concerns", and didn't score a TD last year. He is going to make a great Detroit Lion.

#21- Mangenius traded out of the #5 pick, and down into this spot. The first draft pick of his illustrious regime in Cleveland is Cal center Alex Mack, who figures to start for the Browns this year. The scouting report on him talks repeatedly of his "girth". I challenge you to find anything more latently homosexual than the NFL Draft. It should be on the Logo Channel.

#22- Minnesota takes Florida WR Percy Harvin. The book on him is he's a tremendous athlete, but, as says, "has a supreme sense of entitlement". On the McNabb Scale of Sense of Entitlement he is a 9.4. I would say he's the TO for the 2010's, but at 5-11, he's not going to be able to pull the shit TO did on or off the field.

#23- Ole Miss O lineman Michael Oher is a utility lineman who can play 4 out of the 5 positions on the line. He also is described as "not being physically or mentally tough" and "flabby". Sounds like a girlyman to me.

#24- Another Ole Miss big guy, DT Peria Jerry goes to Atlanta. He's a 25 year old rookie. When I was 25 I had already been a cube slave for 4 years and counting the days until I can start using my social security check to buy dog food to feed to myself to fend off starvation.

#25- Miami selects Illinois corner Vontae Davis. Davis is Vernon Davis' brother, the guy that Mike Singletary chased off the field last year. Vontae refers to himself in the third person in interviews and seems like a colossal douchebag.

#26- The Packers take their second defensive player of the draft, Clay Matthews. Like his college teammate Brian Cushing, Matthews looks like a roided up freak with a forehead like a drive in movie theatre and a jawbone like the Great Khali.

#27- UConn running back Donald Brown goes to Indianapolis. Brown will make a fine backup running back and is going to the best team an offensive player can possibly go. He carried the ball 367 times for UConn last year though, which depending on his age could qualify as child abuse. Behind Addai he should get a chance to convalesce and heal for a while.

#28- Eric Wood from Louisville played center in college but probably will start at guard for the Bills this year. He's described as being a very smart player. He's also described as being "a second or third round talent" who the Bills drafted in the first round, so apparently he's smarter than his new employer.

#29- With Plax off on the last train to Crazy Town, the Giants have drafted the man they hope will be his able replacement, UNC wideout Hakeem Nicks. He's a similar type of receiver, big and strong, but probably not as fast. People compare him to Anquan Boldin.

#30- If you want a guy who physically looks like a future HOF receiver, Rutgers' Kenny Britt is your man. Tennessee grabbed him, and now they hope the 6-4 TO model receiver can grab the ball, which he had trouble doing at Rutgers.

#31- Arizona gets Ohio St. RB Beanie Wells. He's been injury prone his whole college career. He's also going to a team that has never been able to run the ball in its 80 some years of existence.

#32- Aaaand the final pick of the first round is Missouri DT Ziggy Hood. I'm not going to pretend I know more about defensive football players than the Pittsburgh Steelers do. If the Steelers drafted him I'm sure he'll be good.

And the rest....
Here's some other notables who went after the 1st round..

- Second round pick Andy Levitre is sure to stiffen the Bills offensive line. Oh ho ho ho.

- The Bears top draft pick came in the 3rd round, San Jose St. DT Jarron Gilbert, who apparently can jump out of a swimming pool. I am going to go home tonight and try that in my bathtub.

- USC linebacker Rey Maulauga was on the cover of SI last week, but didn't get drafted until the second round, by Cincinnati. His other two buddies from USC both went in the first round. Since he's the only one of the three that doesn't eat PB and HGH sandwiches for lunch, the lesson to be learned here is not taking steroids costs you money.

- Dallas didn't draft until the 3rd round. That ship is sinking.

- The first pick of the second round was Western Michigan safety Louis Delmas, who stays in Michigan with the Lions.

- Miami took West Virginia QB Pat White in the second round, apparently to be their "Wildcat" back. Mark this down as the moment the "Wildcat" officially jumped the shark.

- New England had 6 picks in the second and third rounds of the draft. Cue Darth Vader music. Just by blind luck they are sure to have had a great draft.

- The Jets grabbed Iowa RB Shonn Greene in the third round. He's my sleeper of the draft.

- Philly took Pitt RB LeSean McCoy in the second round. Since Brian Westbrook is guaranteed to miss 6 games a year, remember that name.

- Road Warrior Animal's son or nephew or something James Laurinaitis slipped to the second round. He's a Ram.

- Best late round pick in my opinion was the 49ers getting Ball State QB Nate Davis in the 5th round.

Friday, April 24, 2009


I'm not going to give a mock draft because I'm not going to pretend I know all these players. But I DO know that drafting QBs early in the draft usually is pretty stupid. You have to pay them a LOT of money because of how early draft is, and yet ideally you would want to train the fool for 2-3 years but you CAN'T because you're paying waaaaay too much so you end up getting uhhhh the Raiders.

Since all the GOOD QBs decided to use another year, Mark Sanchez is now the hottest thing in the universe. Seattle wants him. Denver wants him. Washington wants him. Here's shit you may have forgotten: he played well in the beginning and end of the year, but mainly had the record they had because their defense had to bail out a Mark Sanchez-ran USC offense. He sucks. Back when I was writing for another site, I told everyone and their MOM that Vince Young SUCKS. I was told that I'm an idiot. He took out USC by himself. BLAH BLAH WELL I WAS FUCKING RIGHT. I'm telling you right now, Mark Sanchez sucks. If Sanchez stayed a year and came out next year, he would be the 6th best QB. HAVE FUN WITH THIS GUY.

Meanwhile, Matt Stafford is signing with the Lions for $41.7 million. AAA. AAAAA. AAAAAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

Nicky P is usually better at draft evaluation than I am, but I'm going to tell you exactly what's going to transpire during the NFL Draft.

For Sure

-Patriots will draft well
-Raiders will draft poorly


Thursday, April 16, 2009

Madden, College Football, Champions

The butt of many impersonators and my favorite show, Family Guy, John Madden retires from broadcasting. What a terrible day in sports.

"It's time. I'm 73 years old. My 50th wedding anniversary is this fall," Madden said. "I have two great sons and their families and my five grandchildren are at an age now when they know when I'm home and, more importantly, when I'm not." -ESPN

Here's a guy leaving on his own terms for the best reasons. He just wants to be around his grandchildren before he dies. He just wants to enjoy life while he's still able to do shit. I looked forward to all his games because he was hilarious and made watching even the shittiest games exciting. I know what my critics would say about Madden: "LOLLERCOPTER, PATRICK. HE REALLY JUST STATED THE OBVIOUS, COULDN'T GET NAMES RIGHT, AND WANTED TO DO BRETT FARVE. LOLLERSKATES, PATTY! HE RETIRED BECAUSE BRETT FARVE DID." Sometimes Madden had to state the obvious because there are 28% of the population that still believed George W. Bush was doing a good job and that it was unamerican not to believe so. Sometimes he got names wrong because he's been doing this shit for 30 years. HAVE YOU EVER DONE SHIT RIGHT FOR 30 YEARS? Have you done ANYTHING for 30 years? And as for him retiring because Brett did? Alright, I'll give you that one. Thanks for the 30 years of hilarity, John Madden. BOOM!

College Football

Duke PG Greg Paulis is trying to hook with Rich Rodriguez at Michigan to be the STARTING QB there. WOWWWWWWW. The Green Bay Packers are letting him workout in front of them before the NFL Draft. Apparently, this dude used to be pretty good as a QB in high school. Since he knew he wasn't going to bank in the NBA, he's exploring his option as a QB. You know the hilarious part? Duke's football head coach David Cutcliffe won't even consider Paulis as QB (only as WR, W-T-F?). YOUR PROGRAM SUCKS ASS AND PRO TEAMS ARE LOOKING AT SOMEONE THAT GOES TO YOUR SCHOOL. NICE FUCKING JOB. Epic fail for that dumbass.

Charlie Weis discussed leaving Notre Dame with his family because...he sucks ass.

"Like anyone who has a situation that is uncertain, as any husband and father would do, you address it with your wife and you address it with your kids," Weis said Wednesday after practice. "But does that mean that at any time that I thought that I wasn't going to be here? When you're around a long time in this business, what you learn is you have to deal with the negatives. You just have to have a plan just in case they end up happening." -ESPN

Leave now before they fire you. You really suck ass. You lowered the talent there AND the high academic standards required to go there. You barely make bowl games just to lose. Hang it up fatty before you blow another knee.

Champions League


I watched Chelsea/Liverpool at the bar and it was apeshit crazy. 4-4 is just too motherfucking stressful for me. Chelsea goalie Cech REALLY REALLY sucks ass right now. But in a possible preview for the Champions League final, the Blues play Arsenal this weekend for FA. We're fucked.

Arsenal and Manchester United did what they had to do 3-0 and 1-0 respectively. Arsenal is playing like Barca while Man U isn't playing well and still winning because of the talent on their roster. Where does Patrick N see this final going? Barca is just TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOOD. Arsenal and Man U is hard to guess because it'll depend on their form at the end of April. If it was now I'd say Arsenal, but Arsenal's a young team which means they be streaky, and Man U will eventually hit their stride again. If I were to guess, the final should be Arsenal/Barca which will be pretty freakin' awesome.

Finally, to all those teabaggers that are crying about taxes, 1) these are the same people that said it was unamerican to disagree with anything Bush does and 2) are all rich people because the only taxes that were raised were on people that made more than 250,000. Obama's family made 2.1 million last year and had to pay 800k in taxes and you don't see him cry. Me? I DON'T MAKE 250,000 so I got a bunch of money back. EAT SHIT TEABAGGERS. BTW YOU STUPID SHITS:


v. To dunk ones scrotum into the open mouth of another person
"Man, Brenda was all passed out with her mouth open and Billy teabagged her"


Sunday, April 12, 2009

Weekend Post

Off topic a bit, but some of you know of the captain that was hostage to some Somalian pirates. They were negotiating his release:

The waiting ended Sunday with news that U.S. Navy snipers had shot and killed three of Phillips' captors, with the fourth pirate in custody onboard the nearby USS Bainbridge, and that Phillips had been rescued uninjured. -CNN

THAT'S HOW THE FUCK AMERICA NEGOTIATES. Anyone else want to kidnap our motherfuckers? Because not only do we not negotiate with terrorists, we'll straight up Man on Fire your ass with snipers.


Club America just lost it's striker and only player, Salvador Cabanas right as he scores his hat trick to tie the game against Indios. THEIR SEASON IS OVER. I GIVE UP. NO MORE COVERAGE ABOUT MEXICAN SOCCER.

La Liga

For the last 11 matches, Real Madrid is 10-0-1. Here's the funny part: REAL MADRID STILL HAS NO CHANCE TO CATCH BARCA. Barca is going to win Champions and League while Ronaldinho holds his dick in AC Milan.

NFL Draft

ESPN reported that Mark Sanchez will not attend NFL Draft day. That's pretty smart because he's going to end up like Aaron Rodgers on draft day holding his dick while teams pass him over.

Here's one thing that annoys me: hypocracy. The Eagles are trying to get Ocho Cinco, which is just a shittier, crazier version of Terrell Owens. Colin Cowherd tries to justify this by saying that Ocho Cinco "already has better chemistry with the team" because he's friends with McNabb and Westbrook gave his blessing. SOUNDS LIKE THE SAME FUCKING STORY WHEN TO WAS COMING OVER. Fuck all you assholes. Either like the type that Ocho Cinco, Joe Horn, and TO is, or don't like them. But don't try to qualify that shit.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

MLS "Superclassico" POS

Galaxy vs. Chivas is the showcase match up in the MLS. I just watched this shit and here are some stats that suck my ass:

23 fouls

6 yellow cards

3 red cards

0-0 match.

Lalas (ex GM of Galaxy): I loved this game. It was everything a superclassico should be.

THIS IS WHY YOU GOT FIRED YOU PIECE OF SHIT. Ref obviously thought he was trying to make himself famous but forgot it wasn't the World Cup.

Want a recap of the "showcase" match up? Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul. Red. Galaxy all offense and Chivas all defense because of man adv. Foul. Red. 10 on 10 air ping pong. Break away goal attempt by Chivas but the Galaxy player pulled the guy down. Straight red. Galaxy all d Chivas all O because they have 10 on 9. MOTHERFUCKING BORING. This was after I was at the English bar singing about Tevez: "THERE'S ONLY ONE UGLY BETTY." MLS sucks ass.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Dear Oli Porter:


Saturday, April 4, 2009

Dude gets fired for Facebook comment

Straight up if you say something on the internet, you can get fired no matter how much you love a company. Those that know my writing history know I know how much this is true that sometimes you care for something so much that even though you lash out emotionally, administration can be stupid and fired you. For those that don't know the story, here's what's up:

[Dan] Leone lost his part-time job as game day west gate chief at Lincoln Financial Field when, following Dawkins' signing, he posted the following message: "Dan is [expletive] devastated about Dawkins signing with Denver ... Dam Eagles R Retarted!!" He deleted the comment, but the team fired him over the phone days later. -ESPN

Brian Dawkins later gave him his two free tickets to an Eagles game understanding that he commented out of an emotional love for his team and how much Leone appreciated Dawkins contributions.

The Eagles organization needs to fail. You're going to fire a guy for caring. The guy deleted the comment later and still got fired for it. Straight up, the internet is not a safe place for freedom of speech. I already hear the arguments against me now: "LOLLERSKATES, PATRICK. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY WHAT YOU WANT BUT THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO FIRE YOU FOR IT. I ALSO HAVE HERPES."

There are three types of employees: 1) ones who play politics to stay in his job, 2) one who skates by not doing anything more than required, and 3) guy who is emotionally attached to his job. The guy who ALWAYS gets in trouble and usually fired is #3 which we all know is actually the wrong guy to fire because he cares for the company's survival the MOST. GUESS WHAT YOU LOLLERSKATING FOOLS, YOU FIRED THE WRONG GUY. Enjoy your shit team you blowjobs!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Cutler Traded To Bears

And the "winner" of the Jay Cutler sweepstakes is.....the Chicago Bears.

Jay Cutler was traded to the Bears today for Kyle Orton, and the Bears first round draft pick this year and next year, and their third round pick this year.

Reaction here in Chicago is somewhere in the neighborhood of having a direct morphine injection, administered by Jesus, with Adriana Lima standing by as nurse, topless.

Of course, I see things differently.

Jay Cutler is not going to get any better playing for the Chicago Bears. This is the worst possible team he could have gone to. Seriously, at least if he got traded to the Lions, he would have had Calvin Johnson to throw to. The Bears have....nobody.

This is a team that knows one way to play football, hand the ball off and throw 3 yards passes. They've been doing it that way for 80 years. Every player on their roster is on it because they fit that type of system. That's what they are built for. If they throw it 40 times a game, with this roster, they are going to suck, it doesn't matter who is the one doing the throwing. Yes, you can change the roster over the next couple of years to be something more built to suit Cutler, but lotsa luck doing that with no first round draft choices this year or next year.

So, after he's had 4 or 5 passes clank off of Rashied Davis' hands in the season opener, and had another 3 or 4 balls bounce harmlessly off the spot of grass where Devin Hester was supposed to be, Cutler is going to feel some frustration. How will Cutler deal with that? Well, Jay Cutler has shown us this offseason how he deals with adversity, which is to say that he will probably deal with it like one of the sextuplets on Jon and Kate Plus 8 would. All reports are that he is a prick of epic proportions. Quarterbacks that win Super Bowls are grown-ass men, and Jay Cutler is not that. He may be one day, but he isn't now.

Jay Cutler is probably going to have a very long and pretty good career in the NFL. Jay Cutler's career path, as I rub my crystal ball, looks to me like it's going to be a lot like that of Kerry Collins.

Kerry Collins had all the physical gifts Cutler has, plus a couple inches of height. In his second NFL season, he took an expansion team in its second year of existence to the NFC Championship game. Cutler's been in the league 3 years and hasn't been to the playoffs, and he has not been playing for an expansion team.

Collins, though, was immature, and wasn't what you would call Mr. Personality. His issues manifested in the form of a drinking problem, which Cutler doesn't have, but the end result was the same, that the team who once thought he would be their QB for life couldn't wait to get rid of him.

Collins hit rock bottom, but then, he grew up. He got his shit together, and he went to a Super Bowl.

He's had some ups and downs since then, but here he is near 40 years old, and he just got a new contract and is one of the better QBs in the league.

Now, is Cutler's redemption going to happen on a team that has no NFL quality wide receivers, now has no first round draft picks until 2011 to get any wide receivers, and now has a head coach and offensive coordinator that now seem a lot like big rig drivers expected to now drive a Formula 1 car (and will probably both be fired if they can't figure it out right away)? No. It won't. For the reasons I talked about earlier, Chicago is the least likely place for good things to happen for him.

Jay Cutler, one day, will probably figure it out. He'll probably grow up. He may even play in and may even win a Super Bowl. Probably when he's 33 or 34. He's 26 now, so you can do the math. When it does happen for him, he ain't going to be wearing no Bears uniform.


- Sven Goran Eriksson is out as coach of Mexico's national team. Sven used to be the English national coach, but after a ridiculous 3-1 loss to Honduras in World Cup qualifying this week, he's now nobody's coach.

- The Premier League title is very much up for grabs. Manchester United has dropped its last 6 points, and Liverpool has closed to within a single point of the leaders. They do have a match in hand, but it looks like this one is going to go down to the wire.

- Europe has another exciting league race in Germany. Hertha Berlin leads, but there are 3 teams just a point behind. Bayern Munich is among those, and they get their star striker Luca Toni back from injury this weekend. In the other 2 big leagues, Barca and Inter Milan look to be safely ensconced in the top spot in Spain and Italy respectively.


- The league's new boys, Seattle Sounders FC, are now 2-0 after a 2-0 win over Real Salt Lake. Colombia's Fredy Montero scored his 3rd goal in 2 matches.

- Chivas USA is the league's only other unbeaten team. They are now 2-0 after a 2-0 win at FC Dallas.

- Patrick Nyarko, from Virginia Tech and Ghana, scored in the 53rd minute to give Chicago a 1-1 draw at DC United.

- Jamaican national team player Omar Cummings scored the winning goal in the 74th minute to give Colorado their first points of the season in a 2-1 win over Kansas City. The Wizards are now 0-2. The rule is, no matter what sport you are in, if your team is called the "Wizards", you are bad, and you deserve to be.

- The defending champion Columbus Crew are off to a slow start. Their 1-1 tie against Toronto last weekend puts them at 0-0-2 on the young season.

- New England got a late goal from Kenny Mansally, signed off of Gambia's U-20 World Cup team, to salvage a 1-1 with Red Bull NY. The Revs are in a 3 way tie for the top spot in the Eastern Conference with Chicago and Toronto.