Tuesday, September 29, 2009

8 In the Box- NFC

1. As I suspected it might be, the game of the week turned out to be the meeting of the unbeaten Niners and Vikings. With the Vikings down 24-20 and 12 seconds remaining, American Hero Brett Favre hitched up his Wranglers and gunslinged one 32 yards to the back of the end zone to recently reclaimated Greg Lewis, who pulled it in and did a softshoe routine to stay in bounds and give the Vikings a 27-24 win, leaving Mike Singletary to claw forlornly at his giant cross, and ponder an October that is going to be Frank Gore-less.

2. It only took 3 weeks for Jim Mora Jr. to show his petulant crybaby Lucky Sperm Club member side. Following his Craphawks' 25-19 loss to the Bears, he took the opportunity to blame everything on his kicker Olindo Mare during the postgame press conference, never mind that Mare scored 13 of his team's 19 points and made 4 field goals, he missed two field goals (and bounced back to make 2 after those misses), so in Mora's world it was all his fault. Hey Cool Jim, you're the coach, howsabout you figure a way to get the floggin ball in the end zone once in a while instead of lining up for a field goal 6 times. I saw two press conferences after Week 3, one with TO and one with Jim Mora Jr., and Mora was the one that looked like a big crybaby who needed to be slapped around. Go figure.

3. The Lions won for the first time since late 2007, embarrassing the Redskins at Ford Field 19-14. The hot buzz now is that Jim Zorn is toast as Washington's coach. I dunno, Jason Campbell threw for 340 yards and 2 TD's and somehow the offense still looked horrible. Clinton Portis likes to wear costumes, and I think it's time he finds a new one, because the one that he has been wearing all season, that of Shitty Over the Hill Running Back, isn't going over very well.

4. There's 3 unbeaten teams in the NFC, but for my money the best one is the Giants. They went down to Tampa and beat up on a bad Bucs team 24-0. Eli Manning is spreading the ball all over the place, and the running game doesn't look like they need Wind or Fire or whatever Derrick Ward was. The one thing I don't like about them is that they are 31st in Y/A against the run, but when they are top 10 in that stat against the pass and in passing offense, well, the NFL is a passing league, so that's the most important thing. They may run into a problem in the playoffs though, if they don't get that run defense shored up, because they could very well be facing Adrian Peterson at some point.

5. There's a lot to like about the 3-0 Saints right now, but probably first and foremost is that the defense looks so much better than it has the last couple of years. The vaunted Saints passing attack only managed 156 yards in Week 3, but they still wiped the floor with the Bills on the road, 27-7. If the Saints can still steamroll teams when they are at less than peak offensive efficiency, as they did this past week, then they are in business.

6. I am still jet lagged like a mofo, so I went to bed at 8:15 last night. I did see enough of the MNF game to know how it was going to go though. I saw like 2 plays. The first one I saw was DeAngelo Williams running for 17 yards, and Jake Delhomme is clapping his hands and pumping his fists and is all like "Yeah let's go guys!". Then the next play, Delhomme gets picked off. And is yelling "Moose!?!?", because apparently the interception was Muhsin Muhammad's fault. That's pretty much all anyone needs to see of the Panthers. Dallas won 21-7 without Marion Barber and has it's first win at Caligula's new Hippodrome.

7. The defending champions of this conference, the Arizona Cardinals, continue the predictable disintegration that always awaits the loser of the Super Bowl. They got pounded at home on Sunday Night Football by the Colts, 31-10. They are 1-2 and look really bad, but they've still got 2 games left against the Seahawks, 2 games against the Rams, a game against the Lions, and Houston at home next week, so you never know, all may not be lost.

8. Michael Vick made his Philadelphia Eagle debut, and was pretty much an inconsequential decoy. I've said this about 100 times before but I'll say it one more time, why would any opposing coach be like "Oh shit we have to gameplan for all the different ways the Eagles can use Michael Vick!!" Okay, Vick can play one of 3 positions I guess, running back, wide receiver, or QB, and you know what, in all 3 situations he's worse than the guy he is on the field instead of. If I'm an opposing coach, I look at it as doing me a favor if I've got to deal with Michael Vick at running back instead of LeSean McCoy or Brian Westbrook, and I'm not worried about how my DB's are going to match up with someone who is both too small and too slow to be an effective NFL wide receiver. And the Eagles have 3 better quarterbacks than him. So really, who cares?

AFC later this week..

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Catching Up- NFC

- They haven't been dominating, but you can't argue with a 2-0 start with 2 wins in the rugged NFC East. That's the start the Giants are off to, and they have succeeded in large part because Eli Manning has answered the bell big time so far this year. Eli has posted a 103.2 passer rating, dispelling any doubts about how he would respond to the loss of Plaxico Burress. His favorite target in 09 has been Steve Smith, who has been among the lead leaders in receiving yards this year, and who torched the Cowboys for 10 catches in last week's 33-31 win. The strong performance by the passing attack has compensated for a defense which is 31st in Y/A against the run, and not getting production out of feature back Brandon Jacobs.

- Everyone knows that Tony Romo always starts out on fire, then sucks at the end of the season. Well, he's not on fire right now. He was great in a week 1 win over Tampa that saw him throw for 350+ and 3 TDs, but in last week's loss to the Giants he was awful, getting picked off 3 times. Marion Barber is banged up, and the defense has been horrible so far. They are giving up yards in chunks, and thru 2 games have yet to record a sack or a turnover.

- When you go away for 2 weeks, you feel like an awakening coma patient upon your return, and it's funny what the things are that drive that point home. For me, it was finding out that Jeff Garcia was back on the Eagles. That move was necessitated by Donovan McNabb's injury, which has thrust Kevin Kolb into a starting role that he hasn't really looked ready for. The Eagles have one impressive win over the Panthers, and one ugly loss against the Saints. They have been pretty solid in the Y/A categories in everything except passing offense though, and that figures to improve when McNabb comes back which may be this week.

- The Redskins are 1-1, with a close loss to the Giants that looks better on their resume than a fugly 9-7 win at home over the Rams. This team is more boring than church.

- Thru 2 weeks, the team that gets my vote as best in the NFL is the Minnesota Vikings. But then I look at who they've played, and I see their impressive start has come against the Browns and the Lions. And then I remember that Brett Favre is their QB, and worse than that, Brad "Chili" Childress is their coach, then I come to my senses and realize that there's no way this team is winning the Super Bowl this year.

- The Bears are very fortunate to be 1-1. Jeff Reed missed a couple of field goals last week which left the door open for them to dink and dunk their way to a game winning field goal. This came after a disastrous opening week loss to the Packers where Jay Cutler was picked off 4 times and 2 of their starting LB's went down, one of them being Brian Urlacher who is out for the season. Rookie receiver Johnny Knox has emerged as the most pleasant surprise of the season so far, but that's been cancelled out by Matt Forte having a miserable sophomore campaign so far.

- The preseason champion Green Bay Packers have disappointed so far now that it's for real. They looked like a team that would put up big offensive numbers, but they are 25th in the league in yards per pass attempt. And that 3-4 Dom Capers defense that everyone was rubbing the nips over in the preseason is 23rd in yards per pass attempt against, although they did get 4 picks against Jay Cutler.

- The Lions continue to be awful, are 1/8 of the way to another 0-16, and Matt Stafford looks like he's got a little Alex Smith in him.

- Atlanta had the benefit of opening up with 2 home games, albeit against a couple of tough teams in Miami and Carolina. They won both of them, and now head into a really tough stretch of road that sees them playing 4 road games in the next 5 weeks, with trips to New England, San Francisco, Dallas, and New Orleans, who are a combined 7-1. So things could get a lot more difficult. Matt Ryan has been awesome so far, with a passer rating over 100 thanks in part to his new future HOF TE Tony Gonzalez. They've needed Ryan to be good, as Michael Turner has struggled for 3.2 yards per carry.

- The Saints are looking a little 2007 Patriots-esque. The offense has been awesome, with Drew Brees throwing 6 TDs in week 1 (* against the Lions), and 9 on the season so far. Denver castoff Mike Bell has carried the load as the feature back, and all he's done is average 5.1 yards on 45 carries. Nice pickup. New safety Darren Sharper already has 3 picks, one which he took back for a TD.

- Jake Delhomme has had 3 straight horrible, horrible games dating back to last year's playoffs. He's got 5 picks against 1 TD this year, has a 45.3 passer rating, and the Panthers, who you may remember as the #1 seed in last year's NFC Playoffs, are 0-2. DeAngelo Williams has a pedestrian 3.9 yards per carry and it may be time to rejigger the ratio of carries in favor of Jonathan Stewart, who has 5.0 yards per carry but has only gotten 2 carries for every 3 Williams has gotten. I am totally in favor of this, because Stewart is on my fantasy team.

- Tampa is not playing the Tampa 2 anymore. They are now playing some form of defense which gives up 30+ points every week and is ranked 31st in the league. Moral of the story, don't stop playing a defensive scheme that is named after you.

- Mike Singletary's 49ers made a huge statement by going on the road and knocking off the Cardinals in Week 1. The defense has been top 10, the offense has ridden an awesome start by Frank Gore, who has averaged over 6 yards per on 38 carries, and the Niners are 2-0 and look like the team to beat in this division.

- Matt Hasselbeck is already battling his signature nagging injury, which looks like its going to lead to the familiar storyline of him playing once every 5 weeks and the Seahawks bumbling around with Seneca Wallace at QB for most of the season. Most noteworthy thing in Seattle is that the defense is quite bizarrely 1st in the league in Y/A against the pass and last in the league in Y/A against the run. They did beat the Rams though, so yipee for that.

- Larry Fitzgerald hasn't had the full blown Madden Curse hit him yet, as it's hit Troy Polamalu, but he has been pretty ordinary so far this year, averaging just 5 catches and 52.5 yards per game. That's a far cry from the Superman stuff he was doing in last year's playoffs, and that is how good the Cardinals need him to be to be a real threat in the NFC. They showed some heart with a road win on the East Coast against Jacksonville last week though, after their well-documented problems on those trips last year. They've got a couple of home games next against Indy and Houston, both games should be shootouts and both games will tell alot about what this season is going to be for the Cardinals. This team is known for its offense, but the defense has been really good so far, ranking 3rd in the league in Y/A against the run despite facing Frank Gore and Maurice Jones Drew in their first two games.

- The Rams have scored 7 points in 120 minutes of football so far this year. Welcome to the Wackest Show on Turf.

So...we are now CAUGHT UP!....let me celebrate by hitting you with my Week 2 picks:

Ravens 27, Browns 10- In retrospect, I bet Cleveland wishes they kept the Old Browns.

Redskins 20, Lions 13- The Lions will come close to finally winning, but in the end will be unable to overcome the Redskins overwhelming capacity to bore the other team into submission.

Texans 31, Jaguars 27- Brian Billick on the Texans, "Everyone says it's time for the Texans to win. I agree it's time, but that doesn't mean that they will." I love Brian Billick. I'm going to buy his new book today. Texans will beat the shitty Jaguars this week though, causing Oli Porter to dance around his 10 gallon Texans hat.

Vikings 17, Niners 13- Can't wait for this game. Adrian Peterson and Frank Gore vs. a pair of very good defenses.

Patriots 44, Falcons 23- I'm working under the assumption here that now the Patriots are mad, and woe to the team that faces them in this condition.

Eagles 37, Chiefs 13- Michael Vick and the Eagles will be the latest team to take the Chiefs to the Rape Stand.

Packers 23, Rams 6- Remember when Steven Jackson was a #1 overall fantasy pick?

Giants 34, Bucs 20- Eli will continue his hot start, against a woeful Bucs defense.

"Oilers" 17, "Titans" 16- The Titans are not the Titans in this game, the Jets are the Titans, because they were the Titans for 1 season back before anybody had TVs and nobody remembers them being the Titans, and will be wearing their Titans uniforms for this game. So here, the Titans lose, to the Titans, who will be the Oilers in this game. Man I love cheap merchandising ploys.

Bills 24, Saints 23- I smell upset.

Bears 20, Seahawks 17- If Forte can't bust out against the league's worst run defense, it's time for the Bears to hit the panic button.

Bengals 16, Steelers 13- The champs look a bit lost right now. Polamalu's out and they can't run the ball. The Bengals, meanwhile, are pulling it together and this game means everything to them, having lost 5 in a row to the Steelers.

Broncos 20, Raiders 7- I touched on this yesterday, but JaMarcus Russell has completed like 30% of his pass attempts. I mean, my God.

Chargers 30, Dolphins 20- The Dolphins are in a baaaad spot, being 0-2 and having to go across the country to play the Chargers. That schedule maker can be a bitch in the NFL.

Colts 27, Cardinals 24- I'm pretty much flipping a coin here, but the coin is loaded because the Cardinals have the bad Super Bowl losers mojo going against them. This is going to be a great Sunday Night game.

Cowboys 45, Panthers 17- The Panthers right now as a team have a look similar to a guy in Mortal Kombat who is about to have his spinal cord ripped out and thrown against the wall.

That's it..enjoy Week 3!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Catchin' Up

Well, I'm back from my Italy trip. I will always remember this trip as the 10 days that confirmed in my mind that the greatest country on Earth is the United States of America. At least if your sample size that you are comparing is limited to the US, Italy, and Jamaica.

In Italy, everything is done half-assed. Except for the graffitti, which is everywhere and the only thing their populace seems to put any real effort into. For example, my wife and I rode the Eurostar train from La Spezia to Rome earlier this week. We were tired and just wanted a comfortable 4 hr train ride, so we bought a "first class" ticket. We found out "first class" means that there is a guy that comes up and down the aisle once selling bottles of water, that cost 5 euros, which is almost 10 dollars. That, and the air conditioning in "first class" was not working. So, it was hot in there, but in addition to that, no air conditioning and no open windows in a sealed train compartment means no air. It was about an hour into the trip when my wife and I began to realize we were breathing like Dick Van Patten in Spaceballs when Dark Helmut is stealing Druidia's air. We decided to save ourselves and move to second class. I don't know if the other passengers in "first class" survived or not. I do know that the people running the train probably don't know either, they easily would have just let everyone die back there. I'm assuming everyone eventually moved or suffocated. I've got about a hundred stories from this trip that are similar, but you get the point.

So, given that I've been out of the country, I have seen a grand total of 1 NFL game this year, the season opener between Pittsburgh and Tennessee. I've got my NFL Game Rewind cued up though and am soooo looking forward to watching Bears/Packers and Bears/Steelers today, and any other games I can squeeze in. Because I am so jet lagged I was up at 5 am this morning, which is noon according to my body time, so I should have a lot of time to get caught up today.

Speaking of getting caught up, let me bring myself and you up to speed on what's happened while I've been gone.

First, college football. I see USC suffered it's annual inexplicable loss that ends up costing them a national title. This year, the loss came against a team that didn't win a single game last year, the Washington Huskies. A week after winning a tough 18-15 decision at Ohio State, the Trojans had a predictable letdown, falling 16-13.

Oklahoma State perpetuated the legend of the SI Cover jinx. After winning their season opener against Georgia and getting a cover piece which fawned over their improved defense, they went out the next week and got 45 points hung on them at home by Conf USA's Houston in a 45-35 loss, ending any aspirations they may have had about playing in the BCS Championship Game. An aside, this game and the USC loss to UDub illustrate why I think the BCS is so great. You never know when a game will be a playoff game, an elimination game. It can be a hugely hyped game in November against an archrival, or a game nobody sees in September against a nobody school. You never know and anything can truly happen. It beats the shit out of college basketball, where nothing matters unless its March.

BYU was the co-star of that Okla State article, as their season opening win over Oklahoma was celebrated. They were taken down a notch too, getting pounded at home by Florida St. 58-24.

Charlie Weis, who I have heard from a few personal anecdotes is a colossal asshole, blew the ND/Michigan game with some horrible clock management and boneheaded play calls, namely calling a couple of pass plays late in the game with a 34-31 lead. Incompletions don't run any time off the clock, and they left Michigan with enough time to get a game winning touchdown for a 38-34 win in Ann Arbor.

Speaking of assholes, Lane Kiffin, Tennessee's pompous new coach, lost at home to shitty UCLA, which brought a smile to my face.

And just last night, we had a top 5 time go down, as Ole Miss lost at South Carolina 16-10.

So we've had a lot go on in college football. But let's get to the pros. I'm gonna run it down by division K?

It sounds like I'm being Smarty McKnowitall to say that nobody should have expected the Patriots to be the 16-0 juggernaut they were in 2007 just because Tom Brady is back now, but really, nobody should have expected that. Even if Brady were healthy last year the Patriots wouldn't have come close to that last year nor this year. The NFL is a dragon-chasing league and you can be sure that 99 times out of 100 that dragon of a past performance is never caught. The Patriots have struggled this year. They've played 2 division games and have given up more points than they've scored, and needed a furious comeback in the opener against the Bills to keep them from being off to an 0-2 start. They're still the best team in the division, but it will be a season-long grind for them.

Meanwhile, the team that beat the Patriots, the New York Jets, have had a defense that surprisingly has lived up the preseason hype. Rex Ryan and his big teeth and all of his chins have turned them into a unit that has dominated in their first two games, giving up only 16 points against a couple of teams, Houston and the Patriots, that are not used to having their offenses rendered ineffective. Mark Sanchez has been solid in his first 2 NFL starts at QB, posting a 91.3 rating.

Buffalo has played pretty well for being one of the teams that launched its Offensive Coordinator in the preseason. They have the aforementioned come from ahead loss to New England, and a 33-20 pasting of the Bucs that wasn't as close as the score would indicate. Fred Jackson ran for 163 yards in that win and TO caught his first TD pass as a Bill. Trent Edwards has been superb so far, with a passer rating over 100.

The Miami Dolphins have had a predictable storyline so far this year, teams that overachieve one year typically get handed a tougher schedule the next, and all of a sudden things don't break the way they did in the magical days of yore. The Dolphins have played well this year, but they're still 0-2. Chad Pennington has been underwhelming so far (75.9 passer rating), and if the Dolphins continue to lose he'll be benched in favor of a combination of Pat White and Chad Henne.

The 2-0 Ravens have followed up on last year's surprise season by continuing to evolve. While the defense has given up 25 points a game (still a great defense though, giving up only 41.0 rushing yards per), the offense has stepped it up, scoring over 30 points in both of their wins, over KC and San Diego. Joe Flacco has thrown 5 TDs already, and Ray Rice and a resurgent Willis McGahee are both averaging near 5 yards a carry.

The defending champion Steelers have yet to score more than 14 points in a game this year. Thanks to their continued excellence on defense they are 1-1, but Willie Parker has been terrible as the feature back, and it's time to see if Rashard Mendenhall's 6.4 yards per carry so far this year are a small sample mirage or not.

Everybody welcome the Bengals back from the dead. They are finally healthy on offense, and it's translated to a nice start that includes a win at Green Bay and a fluky loss to Denver. They could easily be 2-0 right now. Ochocinco has played well, Cedric Benson has been a workhorse and leads the NFL in rushing yards, and this looks like a team that will hang around the playoff race if they can stay healthy.

The Cleveland Browns have been outscored 61-26 so far and look like the worst team in the league except for the Rams. But the Rams have Steve Spagnuolo as their coach, who I think will get it turned around, and the Browns have Mangenius, who is probably going to fail miserably in the last head coaching job he'll ever have, so I think the Browns are in the worst situation of any team in the league right now.

The Colts are 2-0 with a couple of shaky wins over a couple of shaky teams in the Jaguars and Dolphins. They're giving up 176.5 rushing yards a game so unless they get that fixed it's impossible to take them seriously as a Super Bowl contender. Dallas Clark is the NFL's leading receiver after going yay-yo against the Dolphins.

Houston's run defense has been even worse than the Colts. Their offense stunk against the Jets in the opener but was clicking on all-cylinders in a HUGE week 2 34-31 win over Tennessee. Again, let me emphasize, that win was huge for this team. A loss and they are 0-2 in a division where that's a death sentence. Instead, they get a road win over the defending division champs. Maybe the biggest win in the history of a franchise that's still trying to reach the postseason for the first time here in Year 8.

Jacksonville is 0-2, they stink and it looks like this season is going to be a wrap as far as Jack Del Rio's reign as their head coach. The defense can't stop the pass to save their lives and when you can't do that, you are going to have a really, really ugly season in what's become a 7 on 7 passing league.

Speaking of not being able to stop the pass, the Titans rank 30th in the league in yards/passing attempt against. That's the reason why they are 0-2 and staring down the barrel 3 road games in the next 4 weeks. Their secondary, with the exception of Cortland Finnegan, looks old and terrible.

Oh was there ever weeping and gnashing of the teeth in Denver this offseason. Oh woe to us, Jay Cutler doesn't want to play here, oh boo hoo Brandon Marshall is not happy. Well, the Broncos are 2-0, and the defense, which was absolutely horrible last year, ranks 2nd in the league in yards allowed and 1st in the league in points allowed. Yes, one of their 2 games has been against the Browns, so OK, take it with a grain of salt, but the Broncos are winning, Elvis Dumervil has 4 sacks, and Kyle Orton has been doing what Kyle Orton does, which is move the ball forward and not turn it over (0 INTs in 65 attempts).

The Raiders are 1-1 by virtue of having had the good fortune to have played the Chiefs already. They rank in the bottom 3rd of the league in both offense and defense, and JaMarcus Russell has completed an atrocious 35.2% of his pass attempts, so don't get too excited.

You can count on the Chargers getting off to a shitty start every year, and this year is no exception. They're 1-1, thanks to having the Raiders scheduled as their week 1 opponent, but they've looked terrible. Philip Rivers has been good, but the Chargers can't run the ball (ranked 30th in the league), and the defense is in the bottom 3rd of the league in yards/attempt against but the run and the pass. They'll probably get it straightened out, they usually do, but once again they look like nothing more than the default AFC West Champs.

The best thing you can say about the Chiefs is their defense appears to have upgraded to mediocre rather than terrible. On offense though, they have no running game and Matt Cassel is looking very Scott Mitchell-esque. They're 0-2 and are in for another long year.

OK I'm spent for today...NFC catch-up tomorrow..

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

If you are Plaxico Burress, you aren't reading this.


This picture is the last time he gets to see his family for two years. Of course, it'll be 20 months on good behavior, but his life still sucks ass. His wife is still prego. He has a 3-year-old son. Here's what his lawyer said:

"This has been a very emotional experience for him," Brafman said. "He's sad about what he's done to his life, his career, and more importantly to his family. He's a fundamentally good man who has used bad judgment and is going to pay a very, very severe penalty." -ESPN

Bad judgment is right. His judgment was so bad, that what he did was worse than what Donte Stallworth did. Let me put it more specifically. Bringing a gun into a club and shooting your own leg is WORSE in our society than drinking with 13% alcohol in your body and killing someone. Read that over and over. It seems that people in New York are more of an asshole than the people in Cleveland. To test this theory, I punched a person from New York and a person from Cleveland to see what reactions I got. The New York guy got me busted for 30 years because it was tried as the equivalent of a gang rape, where the person from Cleveland gave me a high five for throwing a good punch.

Because of me, some gynaecologist in New York got money because this guy's a pussy.

Nice fucking job, New York. The Mayor and the DA were trying to get the maximum sentence on poor Burress just because they wanted to look hard on crime. The guy shot himself. Let it fucking go, assholes. It's not like he KILLED SOMEONE.

Other NFL Stuff

I don't guess games anymore because Nicky P fucking owns it. If you look at his Week 1 picks, he was right in almost every game and the score was pretty close. Fuck that shit. I'm not competing with that. Here's five observations I have after two weeks of the NFL:

1) The Jets win one game in a series of 100 games. I think I'd rather be Bill Belicheck.

2) Why is Norv Turner still a head coach? Jerry Rice said he was the worst coach he ever played for. Wasn't that enough? 8-8 with this team last year. Come on.

3) Colin Cowherd said that Jay Cutler is better than Aaron Rodgers because you are what your record is. He went on to say that Rodgers has good stats and is good for fantasy, but he is 7-11 or something and that's in a division with the Lions where you play them twice, so it's really 5-11.

My Response: I'm not a fan of both, but Jay Cutler played in a division where he played the Raiders and Chiefs twice a year. Experts say Cutler just needs an experienced wide receiver and he'll be Drew Brees and shit. I'm sorry, but Jay Cutler and Aaron Rodgers are about the same to me, but Rodgers seems more mature.

4) You know what would suck? If I had to go on some 8-hour bus trip to work on some stupid fucking charity that is in my coach's name, and still go 0-2. Mangenius? More like Manpieceofshitis.

5) I still like the Dolphins.

Bonus 5) Oli Porter, who writes over at IP for games, says his Houston Texans will make the playoffs. Now, Schaub fucked me when I benched him by getting massive fantasy points, but if the Texans make the playoffs, I told him I'd eat my own shit. I'll be sure to put that shit on youtube that'll make 2 girls 1 cup looks like ice cream.

God Patrick, Talk About Soccer Already

My bad, I just haven't found anything hilarious or insulting to say about soccer. Oh wait, Man City got buttfucked by Man U when Man City ties it in the final minute. Then when 4 stoppage minutes were given, SIX AND A HALF FUCKING MINUTES LATER Man U scores. Oli says it was legit, but that seemed pretty rig to me. The best part was Fergie kissing up to the ref like he was thanking him for the extra time and the refs having a laugh with him. Fuck that noise. I wish Mourinho came back to shit on Fergie. I can't stand that fuck.

Oh, and ESPN just got a shit end of the deal for their soccer rights. The play EPL on Sat and La Liga on Sunday. The problem is that they don't know what game they're playing until match time. That was pretty annoying because I turned on ESPN 2 around 11:40am and saw Real Madrid playing. I was like, "FUCK!" But then Real scored 4 goals in the 15 minutes that were left, so we're cool. It's not like me and Dish Network with Gol TV.

Until next time, check out Oli Porter's game reviews. They are pretty thorough. I don't have a link because I'm lazy. Ask him.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Steve Smith Mic'd Up

Even in adversity, this guy still tries to make everyone feel better. Steve Smith 4 life.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Attn Bills Fans: your team sucks

I'm tired of Bills fans thinking they are just one player away from winning the Superbowl. Hanging around Bills fans talking about how "close" their team is is like hanging around a woman in her first donkey show; it's just not that pleasant of a sound to hear. Yeah, Bills fans, you are "this close" from making the Superbowl, so start fucking up players' homes after they just had a bad day. That helps you get closer to your Superbowl.

On Monday Night Football, Bills fans actually thought they had a chance to win against the Patriots up only 11 points with five minutes to go. 1) Prevent defenses prevent victories. 2) Tom Brady. 3) You're the fucking Bills. Remember? "Boy I Love Losing Superbowls"? So right on cue, Leodis McKelvin takes a kickoff, runs it instead of taking a knee-down in the end zone, and fumbles the ball. The losing play led Bills fans to put this on McKelvin's lawn the next day:

That's right. Not only do Bills fans think they will win the Superbowl, when they don't even make the playoffs, they will start drinking Kool Aid and waiting for a meteor to pick their asses up because apparently picking up Terrel Owens was the last missing piece they needed to finally win their Superbowl. Bills linebacker Kawika Mitchell put this vandalism elegantly:

"W/ all the safety issues n the NFL its not funny at all. We have Fam at our homes to protect. If u show ur face on my prop Ill make sure I do everythin to keep my Fam safe."

Well said. Moron. Bills fans, leave the Superbowl dreams to the fans of teams that actually have a chance of winning the Superbowl like the Patriots, Steelers, or Raiders. Your team has no chance. Deal with it.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Week 1 Preview

So in about 27 hours I board a plane to cross the Atlantic the first time in life (or the Pacific, I guess first ocean crossing ever). My wife and I are going to Italy for 10 days. So what this means is that I miss Week 1 and 2 of the NFL season, most likely. Unless I can find a bar showing futbol Americano in the early hours of Monday morning. By my calculations the Bears and Packers kick off at 2 AM Monday morning Rome time.

I do plan on making every effort to find a place to watch it. People talk about experiences they will remember the rest of their lives, and I'm pretty sure that would be one of them. Of course, I'm supposed to go see the Sistine Chapel later in the day on Monday, so I guess that's a couple of life altering experiences and not very much sleep in one day. Oh well.

So here we go, it's Week 1 of the NFL season. Everyone's fired their offensive coordinators and are ready to start the season now. In fact, we had our first game last night, Tennessee at Pittsburgh. The Steelers won in OT 13-10, but let's not kid ourselves, they looked like crap. What I know about the Steelers after watching that game is that their offensive line is horrible, Ben Roethlisberger is going to get hurt, Willie Parker is finished, Troy Polamalu is injured now, and their vaunted running game features Mewelde Moore getting the carries at crunch time. I'm going to go ahead and say 7-9 for the Steelers this year, 8-8 at best.

"Ben" as he is affectionately referred to in all broadcasts, had a great game. He threw for 363 yards and had 39 pump fakes, despite being pressured at all times. Santonio Holmes had 131 yards and a TD, and Hines Ward 103 yards and a huge fumble at the end of regulation. Justin Gage scored the Titans TD, making me and dook!e's decision to start him over the radioactive Brandon Marshall on our fantasy team look like a stroke of genius.

So a rousing beginning to the 2009 NFL season. How does the rest of the week look?

- The Falcons and Dolphins were the two surprise teams of 2008. That and 65 cents will get them a Cherry Coke Zero in 2009. They meet up in Week 1 at the Georgia Dome, the world's largest cable supported dome I believe. If ever there was a team that did what they did with smoke and mirrors and little else, it was the 2008 Dolphins. I guess they didn't realize this because they didn't do a whole lot to upgrade the team over the offseason. I think Week 1 is the first of many drubbings they will get this year.

- So I am a huge fan of these sports simulation games made by the Strat-O-Matic game company. I have the computer version of their Baseball, NFL, NBA, and NHL games. Last year I played in an online league where my team was the KC Chiefs. I had the Chiefs because I was new to the league so I got stuck with a crappy team. I realized first hand how really awful this team was. Luckily I am not in the league any more because I'd miss too much of the season with this Italy trip. So I'm happy about that.

- I swear to God, the first time I hear some studio show dunderhead say Michael Vick presents "a matchup nightmare" for an opponent, I am going to go out and do an Uighur style syringe attack on the first person I see wearing a Troy Polamalu jersey, which shouldn't take very long. How does Michael Vick present a "matchup nightmare"? He's too slow to play receiver and too small to play running back. He'd be completely ineffective at one position and get killed at the other, and we all know he leaves a lot to be desired as a quarterback. When Vick is on the field at some goofball position it will present a matchup nightmare, for Vick. That said, the Eagles face a Panthers team that is kind of a mess right now. Their defense is all banged up and so is half their vaunted running back attack.

- We all know every year there are 2 or 3 teams that come out of nowhere to have decent seasons. I've got the Bengals down as one of those teams for 2009. A healthy Carson Palmer will make them a lot better. Matchup nightmare for everyone. Speaking of nightmares, how's that firing Mike Shanahan thing been working out for the Broncos?

- Discredited Mangenius has been keeping the identity of the Browns starting QB shrouded in Belichick like secrecy. The funny thing is that it totally doesn't matter who is playing quarterback for the Browns, they are still bad.

- Everyone is totally gay for the Texans this year it seems like. All of their players are fantasy studs and they are going to not only make the playoffs for the first time ever but also win the AFC South according to SI. Hmmm. I'll believe it when I see them smacking around the Colts and Titans. They should smack around the Jest though. Rex Ryan is already getting on my nerves. Not as bad as Little Napolelane Kiffin at Rocky Top, but still on my nerves.

- I know everyone thinks the Jaguars are going to have a bounce back season, but I don't see it. MJD breaks some big runs but way more often than that he runs full speed in into his blockers and falls down. The receivers are terrible. Garrard is questionable. The defense is meh. Bad team.

- I see the Lions have announced they mean business this year by adding some squiggly lines to the Lion on their helmets. I'm still not convinced.

- The evolution of Tampa's QB position, from Shaun King to a guy that looks like Shaun Kingston. The Bucs are one of the teams that fired their offensive coordinator a couple weeks ago. They also are no longer playing the "Tampa 2", so time to come up with a new name for that. I'm going to suggest "Boring Sissy Defense".

- The Cardinals have the double whammy of the Super Bowl Losers Curse and the Madden Curse, so I wish them luck with that.

- I've heard conflicting reports about whether they have toilet paper in Europe. I've also heard that after you wipe your butt there you don't flush the toilet paper, you throw it in a wastebasket. I am driving myself crazy trying to decide which is more disgusting. This seriously could ruin my whole trip.

- Jim Mora Jr. I've read has brought a new energy to the Seahawks. A new, douchenozzle type energy. Meanwhile, the Rams might be starting Kyle Boller because Marc Bulger has a broken finger. Shouldn't the Rams have gotten a new quarterback like 4 or 5 years ago? Marc Bulger? Still?

- I officially anoint the Packers the 2009 Preseason Champs. They went from a team that went 6-10 last year to a team that everyone is furiously rubbing nipples over and is now going to the Super Bowl. Who am I to question that?

- So the Bills sign TO and then fire their offensive coordinator a couple of weeks before the season start. This is the offensive coordinator that was going to run the no-huddle K-gun just like in the early 90s, but I guess that's not happening anymore because he's fired. I'm betting Dick Jauron probably went all Tom Cable on him and beat him up. That would be the funniest thing I've ever seen. If you are not a Bears or Bills fan you probably cannot appreciate how funny that would be.

- And I save my nuttiest pick for last. Everyone knows the Chargers don't start playing for real until November, so...

Alright then, arrivederci for now, hopefully will get a Week 1 wrapup posted later this week..

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

FIFA and UEFA = Power Hungry

Look, we're a bunch of bitches

So, Chelsea got banned from transfers for "child trafficking" as FIFA and UEFA morons call it (i.e. a 16 year old decided he wanted to go to a club that mattered instead of a club no one gives a shit about and said fuck this contract). Man U is in trouble. Man City is in trouble. Arsenal is in trouble because of Arsene Wenger's cheeky smile and how he uses his whole team to be a pedophile. You guys getting the similarities with the teams? Fifa and UEFA hate the EPL. Real Madrid rapes teams of youths and star players. No one says shit, but that's another story. Here is a time for me to gloat:

The European Club Association (ECA) stated “The FIFA panel which last week banned Chelsea from signing players until 2011 is too slow in making decisions”.

So what is the timescale for ruling on such disputes? Uefa lay this down as part of the Regulations for the Status and Transfer of Players in Article 25:

“The Players’ Status Committee, the Dispute Resolution Chamber, the single judge or the DRC judge (as the case may be) shall not hear any case subject to these Regulations if more than two years have elapsed from the event giving rise to the dispute”.

Irrespective when RC Lens made a complaint to Fifa about the transfer, the event giving rise to the case is 1st July 2007 - the effective date of Kakuta’s signing with Chelsea.

The announcement from Fifa of the DRC’s decision states that they met on August 27th 2009. A date that is 2 years, 1 month and 26 days after the event giving rise to the dispute.

In accordance with Fifa’s published rules, the DRC “shall not hear any case subject to these Regulations if more than two years have elapsed from the event giving rise to the dispute”.

An open and shut case. -CFCNET

Suck my fucking dick, Hitlers. EPL 4 life.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The CBSSportsline.com Fantasy Guru is Broken

So I'm looking over the "Matchups" section for my upcoming fantasy games this week on CBSsportsline.com, and this thing is completely fuck in the head.

To wit..

- It says LaDanian Tomlinson is going to score 17 fantasy points this week. All I've seen LaDanian Tomlinson do lately is sit on the bench with a big hooded jacket on looking sad. It's going to take him 8 weeks to score 17 points.

- Cedric Benson 16 points? For real? Hold on let me put on my Happy Mondays CD and take an Ecstasy so I'm in the same frame of mind as you, Fantasy Guru.

- It's got Tim Hightower scoring 15 points. The way Hightower has mastered the 2 yard run, he's going to need to carry the ball about 80 times this week to score 15 points.

- 17 points for Ray Rice. I've got news for you guru, that 280 pound bowling ball the Ravens have at fullback, HE's the dude getting the ball on the goal line, not Ray Rice.

- Pierre Thomas scoring 14 points? He just got his face stitched up after walking into a fence. The dude can't avoid walking into a fence that is not moving and has no vested interest in him not walking around it, how is he going to avoid defenders trying to tackle him?

Seriously this Fantasy Guru is horrible.

- FWIW I played the season opener, Titans at Steelers on Madden 10 yesterday. The Titans won in a game with very little offense. But pretty much every game in Madden has very little offense, because it's impossible to run the ball. Who do I like in that game? Well, I do agree with Madden that there is going to be very little offense in this game. I don't think the Steelers have figured out yet who is going to be getting the majority of carries for them, and if they think it's going to be Willie Parker then that's the wrong answer. This game will all hinge on how much the Titans miss having Albert Haynesworth plugging up the middle. My guess is that against a team like the Steelers that loves to pound the rock, they are going to miss it alot. I say Steelers 20-10.

- College football's opening weekend brought us a little bit more than it's usual cornucopia of sadistic mismatches. Defending Heisman winner Sam Bradford hurt his shoulder in a loss to BYU.

This is why it is so stupid to stay in college when you don't have to. Sam Bradford does not need a degree. I guarantee you the dude is never going to have to do a TPS Report in his life. Go get your money young man, you are playing a violent game where nothing is promised to you. Shit, Carson Palmer just came out and told SI that he expects someone to get literally killed on the field any day now, (and was kind enough to add "I hope it's not anyone at this table" to the assembled quorum of talented young QBs he was being interviewed with) so any football player is probably best advised to make all the money he can as soon as he can.

3 other top 25 teams also lost this weekend. #7 Va Tech lost to #5 Alabama, #13 Georgia lost to #9 Okla St., and last night #18 Florida St. lost at home to Miami when on the last play of the game some guy had the game winning pass hit him right in the numbers and then squirt down his legs onto the ground. Everyone was on the FSU jumping up and down like "Yeah awesome we won!" Then they all slowly realized, oh, he dropped it, don't I look stupid now.

- We are 4 weeks into the Premier League season, and we have 3 clubs which have yet to lose or be tied. Chelsea has feasted on a soft opening schedule to jump out to a 4-0 start. Tottenham opened the season with a big 2-1 win over Liverpool, and has followed that up with 3 more victories, and Jermain Defoe is tied with Man U's Wayne Rooney for the league lead in goals with 4. Man City has yet to surrender a goal in 3 matches (all victories), but they've faced an assortment of bottom feeders so it's hard to gauge how good they are.

A notch below the leaders are Arsenal, who looked like world beaters in their first two matches before falling at Old Trafford 2-1 thanks to some questionable officiating, and Man U, who is 3-1 but that 1 is a loss to newcomers Burnley.

Bringing up the rear are Portsmouth at 0-4, and Blackburn at 0-3.

So in regards to the Oregon guy punching the Boise St. guy in the mouf...whatever..these kids are violent teenagers. Cue this video up to 0:35. What I want to know is WTF is the Boise State coach doing shoving his own player right before he gets hit in the mouth? Maybe if this kid wasn't getting pushed and yelled at by his douchenozzle coach he could have kept an eye on the 250 pound angry man about to punch him in the face. I always thought the proper way to restrain someone in a fight is to put yourself in between the 2 potential combatants and defuse the situation, not push them into the guy who wants to fight them. College coaches are stupid. This is what happens to you when your job is to boss around 18 year olds over whom you have complete and unquestioned power all day.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Reasons why this season will be hilarious

1. You watched Blount ruin his career to a 2nd string Boise player.

2. When your mom said, "Don't talk shit on someone because you never know if the person is crazy," you finally got to see what your mom meant on a blue field.

3. Shawne Merriman did what we all really wanted to do.

4. The "experts" said USC would suck and Oklahoma would dominate.

5. Sam Bradford should have left last year.

6. Ohio State is going to dominate USC by barely beating Navy.

7. McNabb is going to implode in three weeks.

8. Offensive coordinators are overrated or it's better to fail in preseason than midseason.

9. People think Notre Dame is "back."

10. ESPN thinks trading anything to the Raiders for their first-round draft picks is a risk.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Blackouts are fucked up.

Why is this man smiling?

A. He just found out his H1N1 test came out negative.
B. Two girls were his cup for poo.
C. Michael Vick is in charge of his mother-in-law's dog.
D. He just fucked struggling Americans during a recession.


NFL rules require local channels to blackout local games that are not sold out 72 hours before kickoff. There were 9 blackouts last season out of 256 games. Detroit, Jacksonville, Oakland, St. Louis, Kansas City, San Diego, Miami, and Minnesota are in danger of having blackouts this year. So you would think that with a shitty recession year, Roger Goodell would have the heart to drop the rule this year because, after all, these teams didn't electrocute a losing dog or anything. Nope:

"Well, the economy's tough all over the country," NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said while attending a Lions practice at Ford Field last month. "Obviously, it's getting particularly hard hit here in the Detroit area. But our policies are not short-term policies; they're long-term policies. And the blackout policy has been with us for a long time. -detnews.com

So his logic for keeping the rule this year is because it's not a short-term policy. Way to look out for your fans, asshole. People in Detroit are having a hard time putting food on the table for their kids, but fuck it, they need to find a way to put aside some money to go to the games or you don't get to watch an 0-16 team at all. Even more fucked is that local companies buying commercials for these games get super fucked because if their game gets blacked out, the only people to see their ads are people NOT around the area.

So why does a league that depends on fans treat these same fans with no compassion? That's easy:

The NFL doesn't give a fuck about you.

Roger Goodell and the NFL would love nothing more than for your family to starve and suck cock for tickets just to prove that their league is so awesome that people would rather fuck over their own family and suck cock just to see the Detroit fucking Lions go 2-14. The NFL is like that chick that thinks she's a queen and deserves the best things in the world. So she uses all your fucking credit cards and you're stuck taking anal from your dad to pay off your bills. Fuck that bitch.

Sorry, NFL. Los Angeles has moved on to a hotter, younger chick. We don't need your cougar ass and hopefully the other cities follow suit and say fuck the NFL. Here's an idea: find P2P or streaming video and watch the games for free. That's like we dumped you and still get to fuck you while you're not looking. From behind, you look just as good. Hey, we're guys. Pussy is pussy.