Monday, March 30, 2009

Ryan Moats Situation

If you haven't heard about this, here is the situation:

[Officer Robert] Powell stopped Moats outside Baylor Regional Medical Center in the Dallas suburb of Plano after his vehicle rolled through a red light. By the time the 26-year-old NFL player received a ticket and a lecture from Powell, his mother-in-law was dead. The ticket issued to Moats has been dismissed. -ESPN

Basically, his mother-in-law was dying, and in a rare situation, he actually liked her. He was rushing because she was about to die. He got pulled over by this fucker and his wife ran out to run to her mom. The officer pulled out his gun telling her to come back but she was like fuck that kill me as I try to say goodbye to my mom.

The officer did not shoot her.

This guy has a history of pulling over NFL related people:

The Dallas Morning News reported that Maritza Thomas, wife of former Dallas Cowboys linebacker Zach Thomas, was handcuffed and spent approximately three hours in jail after Powell pulled her over for an illegal U-turn in July 2008.

Four of the five tickets issued against Maritza Thomas were later dropped, including failure to show proof of insurance, running a red light, improper address on driver's license and not having a registration sticker on the windshield. She accepted deferred adjudication for the illegal U-turn charge, and her record will be cleared next month. -ESPN

Really. You handcuff a motherfucker for an illegal u-turn. Really. So you hold motherfuckers for running a cautioned red light because someone he loved was dying so he couldn't say goodbye and you cuff and jail someone for making an illegal u-turn.

Now, to this asshole's credit, he DID issue a public apology (throughhislawyers). Some of you may be thinking, "LOLLERSKATES PATRICK, HE'S ONLY DOING HIS JOB. WHY YOU BUTTHURT? COPS GOTTA PROTECT YOU." How about protect me from gangs and drugs. I can deal with an illegal u-turn. I can get over the fact that someone was cautioning through a red light because some shit was happening. I can't deal with gang motherfuckers intimidating the streets. I can't get over 12 year olds strung out on the drugs these motherfuckers are selling.

Everyone is human. Everyone makes mistakes. And at least he issued a Kobe Bryant apology. I think the next time his mother-in-law dies, Moats will be able to explain the situation to Master Powell better.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I'm Checkin In.....

No more pills or more stinkin fun at all!!

Sorry broke into song there. Haven't posted in a while. I'm resting my neurons for the NFL draft I think. But I am watching, and lurking, and formulating opinions. Here's my opinions on some of the steady drizzle of football and futbol news thats been happening in the last few weeks. Settle back and pour yourself something nice and warm. Mr. Sakomoto wants you to be comfortable while he does his thing.


Damn I think someone is mixing some Boli in with Cutler's insulin. Oh wait, that's a different Jay Cutler. I meant this Jay Cutler:

Was he playing quarterback for the Broncos when they lost 5 in a row to end the season and miss the playoffs last year? He was? Hmmm..and he is good then why? Because he throws hard? OK. He played in a division where he gets to play the Raiders and Chiefs twice apiece and he still couldn't make the playoffs? Wow.

Somehow, despite having all these nice lines on his resume from last year, he sees fit to feel all sad because his new coach wanted to bring Matt Cassel in and trade him somewhere else. Well, here's the secret to that not happening Jay, don't suck so bad that you get your old coach fired.

So far, Jay Cutler is notable to me for three things. One, he had a cartoon character of him on South Park sitting in a hot tub, where it was said that he "kind of sucks right now, but might be good some day."

Second, judging by the 4 chins he's been wearing since the start of last season, he might accomplish the mean feat of going from Type 1 diabetes to Type 2 diabetes. Seriously, using my special proprietary software I've generated this photo of what he's going to look like in September at his current pace:

Three, he's the best quarterback to come out of the 06 draft. Better than Matt Leinart and Vince Young, yaaaay. Jay Cutler, you can have him.

The NFL will almost certainly extend their season to either 17 or 18 games beginning in 2010. Most likely 18 games because the teams that get only 8 home games on their schedule instead of 9 will bitch and moan like you have never seen if its an odd number of games. My opinion on this is, by the end of the NFL season I can't wait for it to be over as it is. Did the Lions really need to play 2 more games last year? Did we really need the Chiefs to roll it out there two more times? If anything they should eliminate half the teams after 8 games.

A quick rundown of the quarterfinal matchups, set to the tune of "Harden My Heart" by Quarterflash.


There's a very simple formula to use when handicapping Champions League matches. If an English team is playing against any non-English team, pick the English team. If a Spanish team is playing anyone besides an English team, take the Spanish team. So I take Barca. Oh sorry, I meant Catalan team. Yeesh, get over yourselves. I'll tell you the same thing I tell all the Quebecois. If your people were so great they'd have their own country.


Man U is busy coughing up the Premier League title as if they were the Mets trying to make the playoffs or something. They ain't losin to no Portugese team though.


Arsenal came damn close to blowing my whole England Uber Alles formula, needing PKs to get past AS Roma in the round of 16. They've been playing better since signing Andrei Arshavin, and they might be a darkhorse to win this thing. Villarreal got to the quarters by beating Panathinaikos, from Greece. This is the end of the line for them.


These 2 met in the semis last year, and Chelsea won. This matchup is notable because it gives Patrick another chance to kick Oli's ass, after Liverpool completely teabagged Real Madrid in the quarterfinals. If they do the same thing to Chelsea, Patrick has to become Oli's manservant.


"Major League" "Soccer" had their opening weekend last week. It was quite the hootnanny.

-Seattle won their inaugural match, clipping the wings of Red Bull New York 3-0. Fredi Montero, who is on loan from Colombian club Cali, had a pair of goals.

- The last 2 MLS Cup winners, Columbus and Houston squared off, and drew 1-1. Brian Ching scored for Dynamos and Guillermo Barros Schelotto, who played 10 years with Boca Juniors in Argentia, had the equaliser.

- Kenny Cooper scored a ridiculous goal from behind midfield for FC Dallas. I'd put a clip up but it's not on youtube. Somebody who works for MLS might want to put it out there to, I don't know, create some interest in the league or something. Chicago got goals from Justin Mapp, Brian McBride, and Cuauhtemoc Blanco though, and the Fire cruised to a 3-1 win.

- Amado Guevara, who it may interest you to know, is captain of the Honduran national team, scored twice to lead Toronto to a 3-2 win over Kansas City.

- Paulo gonna work here anymore...Nagamura scored a pair of goals to give Chivas USA a 2-1 win over Colorado.

- Khele Dube is a Zimbabwean who earns a salary of 40 quadrillion Zimbabwe dollars an hour for the New England Revolution. He also scored the only goal in a 1-0 win at San Jose.

- Landon Donovan scored a pair of goals to give the LA Galaxy a 2-2 home draw against DC United.

Alright..that's it. See I'm not dead after all!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Champions League Quarter Draw

So I was in a rush to leave my house and my wife goes, "HAY PATRICK N. CAN YOU PLEASE PUT THE CLOTHES IN THE DRYER." So being the cool guy I am, I did it. An hour later my wife texts me, "THANKS PATRICK N FOR PUTTING THE CLOTHES IN THE DRYER. Next time, can you please turn it on too?" Why people get all greedy with help?

Coincidentally, I was hanging with Oli Porter to find he used to be an ex-boxer. I was pretty scared.

Champions League Quarterfinals Draw

Villarreal vs. Arsenal

These two teams actually play the same type of high-level team game. Arsenal looks to advance because I'm hoping they don't if I pick them.

Manchester United vs. Porto

Porto wanted any team that wasn't Barca, Bayern, or Man U. Oh. 11 in the box and hail mary to the other side of the field is what I'd do.

Liverpool vs. Chelsea

Are you serious? First Oli's team stomps on my Real Madrid. Now they get my Chelsea? I ALWAYS WIN IN A REMATCH. Chelsea is scrappy now while Liverpool is just...well 4-1 on Man U should probably show the Fresh Contract Extensioned Rafa Benitez knows how to plan high pressure matches. Mother. Why couldn't they draw Man U? WHY.

Barcelona vs. Bayern Munich

This is the best match up of the Quarters. Both teams are offensive monsters. Please dear god Bayern win. PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


As for Jay Cutler, I really don't get why he's so butthurt. If he got traded, he could have asked to renegotiate his contract and would be rollin' in a non-rebuilding team. Now he's crying and Denver can't trade his ass anywhere. I hope they send his ass to Detroit. As for the Denver new brass, you have the 30th ranked defense in the NFL last year and the first thing you do is mess with the offense? Whaaaaaaaaat?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

I can't decide which is more painful.. this..

or this..

Monday, March 9, 2009

Dude, Where's Your Writer?


Okay, seriously, I just didn't feel like writing about anything because domestics are boring right now, and the NFL is all about trade stuff. OHSNAPIT'SCHAMPIONSLEAGUETOMORROW.

Liverfuckyouoli vs. Really In Trouble

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. This smells of a Liverpool win since Rafa is the man when it comes to Champions League Knockout, BUT WE HAVE ONE MORE TRICK UP OUR SLEEVES:

"All we need is a little bit of luck. To win games like these especially in the knockout rounds of the Champions League, you need to give everything but a pinch of luck will also come in handy," Real Madrid Goalkeeper Iker Casillas stressed.

WE HAVE A PINCH OF LUCK. And since it is St. Patty, Real Madrid dick is rumble in the jungle; Liverpool dick got touched by their uncle. WE WIN. 10-1 Real Madrid, easily.

Juventuseatsshit vs. The Name of My Daughter, Chelsea

First leg was 1-0 Chelsea. Now my Blues go into the Cheater's home where Manager Claudio Ranieri is pleading with his crowd to make the place scary for Chelsea. WELL THAT'S NOT HARD BECAUSE ITALY LIKES TO RIOT. Chelsea plans to start Essien after he's been out forever, so this is pretty much over. Just kidding, we have been struggling against Championship 1 teams, so I have no idea how we can hold against these motherfuckers. And since Mourinho isn't here, parking the bus is not an option.


Why bother? In Champions League, you probably want to make your league look good by NOT LOSING 5-0 AT HOME. If Bayern loses this, Oli can stay at my house for free when he comes in March to my house. Oh wait, he is anyway. SHIT. If he ever comes here, expect a radio show where we talk about how hilarious it is that no one is talking about Sporting Lisbon.

Pana...pana...panotgoingtoadvance anyway vs. Villarreal

3-3 in a match I really have no idea about. I mean, yeah I know the teams. I've seem them play some domestic. But really, I have no insight to where OMG WATCH FOR THIS GUY or WATCH AS THE GREEN GUYS DO SOME SHIT. During this match, I promise to keep an open mind while I fall asleep.


Some of you who know my old stuff know I was a big time Terrell Owens mark. Well, NOW I HAVE TWO FUCKING JERSEYS THAT I CANT WEAR because this asshole got dumped. Yes, I picked up a TO Eagles jersey. Yes, I picked up a TO Cowboys jersey. NO, I WILL NOT PICK UP A TO BILLS JERSEY. BOY I LOVE LAME SUPERSTARS.

Okay, first things first with the critics. Critics say he fucks up locker rooms. He does in that he splits locker rooms because he's likable to teammates. Critics like Sean Payton of the Saints say he drops balls, so why would they want TO. Yeah, he drops balls, on your cheek. Finally, critics like Colin Cowherd say TO doesn't belong anywhere. No matter where TO goes, he will not be able to help any team, he'll be a poison, he sucks, he's old, and so he should just go away. Fuck you Colin and your haterade. I just remember people saying this guy was worse than people like Ray Lewis who LITERALLY KILLS PEOPLE in terms of quality of person. TO is a scumbag, blah blah. Fucking watch Fred Claus. He teaches Santa about what I believe. There is no such thing as naughty children; they become that way from life. TO was raised by his grandmother. This guy could have been a drug seller or a rapist or beats his girlfriend Rhianna or LITERALLY KILLS PEOPLE, but instead, he's just this attention whore who does situps in his lawn and gets half the locker room to really like him. I guess I have a soft spot for TO because I teach a classroom of this type of kid and too often they end up selling drugs, having their second child at 13, or being a prostitute at 14. Is TO someone for kids to look up to? Well, not YOUR kid, but some kid out there may think he can be obnoxious and not have to hit his girlfriend to prove to everyone he's a tough guy.

So fuck you haters for not liking TO. Yeah, he fucks up locker rooms. Yeah, he drops balls. But I'll still watch the guy. You don't have to watch him. Or maybe you do. Go praise your wife beaters in the Hall of Fame like Warren Moon or your MURDERERS like Ray Lewis. I'll praise that little fuck who just wants to be liked.