Monday, March 9, 2009

Dude, Where's Your Writer?


Okay, seriously, I just didn't feel like writing about anything because domestics are boring right now, and the NFL is all about trade stuff. OHSNAPIT'SCHAMPIONSLEAGUETOMORROW.

Liverfuckyouoli vs. Really In Trouble

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. This smells of a Liverpool win since Rafa is the man when it comes to Champions League Knockout, BUT WE HAVE ONE MORE TRICK UP OUR SLEEVES:

"All we need is a little bit of luck. To win games like these especially in the knockout rounds of the Champions League, you need to give everything but a pinch of luck will also come in handy," Real Madrid Goalkeeper Iker Casillas stressed.

WE HAVE A PINCH OF LUCK. And since it is St. Patty, Real Madrid dick is rumble in the jungle; Liverpool dick got touched by their uncle. WE WIN. 10-1 Real Madrid, easily.

Juventuseatsshit vs. The Name of My Daughter, Chelsea

First leg was 1-0 Chelsea. Now my Blues go into the Cheater's home where Manager Claudio Ranieri is pleading with his crowd to make the place scary for Chelsea. WELL THAT'S NOT HARD BECAUSE ITALY LIKES TO RIOT. Chelsea plans to start Essien after he's been out forever, so this is pretty much over. Just kidding, we have been struggling against Championship 1 teams, so I have no idea how we can hold against these motherfuckers. And since Mourinho isn't here, parking the bus is not an option.


Why bother? In Champions League, you probably want to make your league look good by NOT LOSING 5-0 AT HOME. If Bayern loses this, Oli can stay at my house for free when he comes in March to my house. Oh wait, he is anyway. SHIT. If he ever comes here, expect a radio show where we talk about how hilarious it is that no one is talking about Sporting Lisbon.

Pana...pana...panotgoingtoadvance anyway vs. Villarreal

3-3 in a match I really have no idea about. I mean, yeah I know the teams. I've seem them play some domestic. But really, I have no insight to where OMG WATCH FOR THIS GUY or WATCH AS THE GREEN GUYS DO SOME SHIT. During this match, I promise to keep an open mind while I fall asleep.


Some of you who know my old stuff know I was a big time Terrell Owens mark. Well, NOW I HAVE TWO FUCKING JERSEYS THAT I CANT WEAR because this asshole got dumped. Yes, I picked up a TO Eagles jersey. Yes, I picked up a TO Cowboys jersey. NO, I WILL NOT PICK UP A TO BILLS JERSEY. BOY I LOVE LAME SUPERSTARS.

Okay, first things first with the critics. Critics say he fucks up locker rooms. He does in that he splits locker rooms because he's likable to teammates. Critics like Sean Payton of the Saints say he drops balls, so why would they want TO. Yeah, he drops balls, on your cheek. Finally, critics like Colin Cowherd say TO doesn't belong anywhere. No matter where TO goes, he will not be able to help any team, he'll be a poison, he sucks, he's old, and so he should just go away. Fuck you Colin and your haterade. I just remember people saying this guy was worse than people like Ray Lewis who LITERALLY KILLS PEOPLE in terms of quality of person. TO is a scumbag, blah blah. Fucking watch Fred Claus. He teaches Santa about what I believe. There is no such thing as naughty children; they become that way from life. TO was raised by his grandmother. This guy could have been a drug seller or a rapist or beats his girlfriend Rhianna or LITERALLY KILLS PEOPLE, but instead, he's just this attention whore who does situps in his lawn and gets half the locker room to really like him. I guess I have a soft spot for TO because I teach a classroom of this type of kid and too often they end up selling drugs, having their second child at 13, or being a prostitute at 14. Is TO someone for kids to look up to? Well, not YOUR kid, but some kid out there may think he can be obnoxious and not have to hit his girlfriend to prove to everyone he's a tough guy.

So fuck you haters for not liking TO. Yeah, he fucks up locker rooms. Yeah, he drops balls. But I'll still watch the guy. You don't have to watch him. Or maybe you do. Go praise your wife beaters in the Hall of Fame like Warren Moon or your MURDERERS like Ray Lewis. I'll praise that little fuck who just wants to be liked.


dook!e said...

uhh.. pretty sure you were wrong about liverpool v madrid.

Patrick N said...

bullshit i was close you lie

Oli Porter said...

I'm in Anaheim RIGHT NOW!111 Man I missed the Liverpool game stuck in Detroit... But 4-0!!! hahaha where can I watch Liverpool v Man Utd???