Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Hall of Shit - Dan Marino

Patrick N Presents Volume 2, Episode 1 - Dan Marino. This new season of Patrick N Presents exposes the piece of crap Hall of Famers in the NFL.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Week 12 Playoff Picture- NFC

Week 11 WON v. Redskins 28-23
Week 12 WON v. Jets 34-3
Week 13 v. Packers (10-1)

You know who should have felt a little squeamish watching this Thanksgiving Day turkey basting? No, not the Packers, who face the Cowboys in a battle of 10-1 teams this Thursday. The team that should feel bad is the Steelers, who just a week ago lost to the kelly green suck squad that is the NY Jets.

This wasn't the greatest we've seen the Dallas offense look. Tony Romo had a pedestrian outing and TO had a mere one touchdown. However, they did give the Packers something to think about in the form of Marion the Barbarian Barber, who tore thru the Jets 30th ranked run defense like a Ginsu knife thru a turkey leg for 103 yards on 18 carries.

The Cowboys are in top form right now. So are the Packers. The Cowboys have twice the talent though, and I think they'll be the ones at 11-1 on Friday morning.

Week 11 WON v. Panthers 31-17
Week 12 WON at Lions 37-26
Week 13 at Cowboys (10-1)

There's a perception about the Packers that they aren't as good as their 10-1 record would indicate. The perception is that they've played a weak schedule. The perception is that the Cowboys, who are favored by 7 in their game against the Packers on Thursday, will give a failing grade to the Pack in their first real test of the season.

But I don't think it's true to say the Pack has not been tested this year. The tone for their season was set in the first three games of the season, when they opened with wins over Philly, the Giants, and San Diego, all teams that could be in the playoffs this year. They've beaten Adrian Peterson and the Vikings twice, and they've won at Arrowhead and Mile High, which is still impressive even though the teams that play at those places are having down seasons. They've passed some tests, and they do so more impressively every week.

Funny as it may sound, the team that plays closest to the way that the be all end all New England Patriots play are these Packers. They spread the ball around, have a great quarterback, and talented receivers. There's no other shoe waiting to drop here, this team is for real.

Week 11 WON v. Bears 30-23
Week 12 WON at Rams 24-19
Week 13 at Eagles (5-6)

From this point on, I don't see how any sane person could think any of these teams have a real shot at doing anything of any significance in the postseason.

The Seahawks began their game against the 2-8 Rams by having Mo Morris get tackled in the end zone for a safety. Then a few minutes later they were getting gashed for a 50 some yard TD run by Steven Jackson. They probably wouldn't have come back to win if Marc Bulger didn't leave the game in the second quarter to be replaced by the increasingly incompetent Gus Frerotte.

In the last minute of the game the Rams had first and goal on the five, and were stopped the next three plays. They then called a timeout to talk things over and come up with a really great play that would punch it in on 4th down and give the Rams the win. Then they fumbled the snap. That's six wins in a row for the Seahawks over the Rams, and therein lies the secret of the Seahawks making the playoffs every year.


Week 11 WON at Falcons 31-7
Week 12 WON v. Redskins 19-13
Week 13 at Saints (5-6)

The Bucs kept rolling towards an NFC South title by beating the Redskins 19-13, and they did it with Bruce Gradkowski at quarterback and Earnest Graham as their running back. It didn't hurt that Washington could not stop turning the ball over, coughing it up six times including an interception that snuffed out the potential game winning drive in the final minute. In the NFL though, a win is a win is a win and if Jon Gruden keeps winning with this seemingly outmanned team, he just might get his genius badge back.

A big game looms for the Bucs this Sunday. If they go to the Superdome and beat the Saints, it pretty much salts away the division title and a playoff berth, an impressive feat for a team that went 4-12 last season. If they lose though, the Saints are only a game back and all of a sudden we've got ourselves a race in this division. The Bucs need Garcia back for this game. He's listed as day to day right now, but the tea leaves seem to be pointing toward him playing.

5. NY GIANTS 7-4

Week 11 WON at Lions 16-10
Week 12 LOST v. Vikings 17-41
Week 13 at Bears (5-6)

We've been waiting for years for Eli Manning to play like his big brother. He finally did against the Vikings. Unfortunately, he played like his brother played two weeks ago in his live action naked test taking dream where he threw 6 picks against the Chargers.

Eli took a run at that dubious family record, throwing 4, 3 of which were taken back for TDs and another which was taken to the Giants five yard line. The Giants were pounded by the Adrian Peterson-less Vikings 41-17.

The Giants are doing nothing to make anyone think that they aren't going to re-enact their annual late season collapse. Maybe getting Derrick Ward and/or Brandon Jacobs back will help, maybe not. All I know is I'm breaking out in hives thinking about the prospect of Eli and Rex on the same field this week when the Bears take on the Giants. I recommend only viewing this game thru two pieces of cardboard with a pinhole poked in one of them.


Week 11 LOST v. Giants 16-10
Week 12 LOST v. Packers 26-37
Week 13 at Vikings (5-6)

I'm not expecting to be writing about this team too much longer. They were supposed to be really good at home right? Well now they've lost back to back games at home. In the most recent one they were indistinguishable from the bad old Lions, and Favre did absolutely whatever he wanted to do to their defense. The Lions aren't forcing turnovers anymore, they aren't running the ball effectively any more, pretty much anything they did when they got out to their 6-2 start, they are not doing anymore.

Not only that, take a look at their schedule the rest of the way. They are at the red hot Vikings this week, who should have Purple Jesus back. Then they host Dallas, are on the road at SD, home against the Chiefs, and at Green Bay. They will be lucky to get 1 win out those last 5 and finish 7-9. This team is toast.


With the Lions in free fall and the Giants looking like they might be right behind them, there is an amorphous blob of 5-6 teams just waiting for their opportunity to sneak into the postseason.

- Washington Redskins

They've lost 3 in a row and their best player just died. On the plus side, they don't have Eli Manning on their team.

- Philadelphia Eagles

They almost took down the Patriots. Almost. We'll see how fast McNabb's ankle heals now that AJ Feeley played better against the unbeaten Pats than McNabb has played against anyone all year.

-Minnesota Vikings

It says here that this team is not going to lose again until the playoffs. By here I mean right in this sentence. The sentence I am writing right now.

-New Orleans Saints

They crushed the Panthers on the road, 31-6. So I guess this means they are good again now. They've won 5 out of their last 7, so I guess they've got as good a shot as anyone.

- Arizona Cardinals

Kurt Warner throws for almost 500 yards, and the Cardinals still lose because they can't stop Trent Dilfer, Frank Gore made them look silly, and Neal Rackers blew a 32 yard field goal in OT. No team finds more spectacular ways to blow games.

- Chicago Bears

The Bears rode 2 Devin Hester returns for TDs and an improbable surge of offensive competence on the final drive of regulation to come back from a 34-20 4th quarter deficit and stun the Broncos 37-34 in OT. They also lost Cedric Benson for the season. Not that Ced was any good, but now the Bears are down to The Other Adrian Peterson as their starting running back the rest of the year, and this is the team that according to their coach gets off the bus running the ball.

BCS Sucks

Here's what we learned from the BCS:

  • If you schedule weakass games against teams like Ice Cream State, Deaf University, and Special Ed University, and your end of the year rival game sucks cock, you can still be ranked high if you lose. Even if not one of your games you won was a hard game on the road. (Ohio State)
  • If you go undefeated, you can still be out of a BCS bowl game. (Hawaii)
  • You can be number one in the nation through the BCS bowl and still be an underdog. (Mizzou 3 pt underdogs in Vegas vs. #12 Oklahoma in Big 12 Championship)
  • Two-loss teams who don't win their conference division or even qualify for their conference's league championship can still win the National Title. (Georgia)
  • Those that say the regular season IS the playoffs are wrong because certain teams would have already been eliminated, yet they still have a chance for the National Title. (West Virginia, Ohio State, Virginia Tech, USC)
  • Doing everything other teams do can still land you five spots behind because of magic. (Va Tech is five spots over Boston College, but they have the same fucking record and pretty much are mirror images)

If this was Division II or III NCAA College Football, we'd could be seeing Ohio State, West Virginia, LSU, Mizzou, Hawaii, BC, Oklahoma, and USC in the playoffs. But Division II and III isn't about money and Division I is. Sorry Nick, while this year has been a great year for college football, unless they run Division I like UEFA Champions League for soccer, everyone is not playing each other and so the regular season isn't as equal because I can schedule it that way.

And Then There Were Three..

Once again, we had a very interesting week where the contenders to the college football throne danced around the BCS chess board like the pawns of the soul-less, decrepit bowl system that they are, and it was just as exciting as any playoff system could possibly be.

For instance, on Friday we had another #1 team fall by the wayside, in triple overtime no less. LSU couldn't succeed on a 2 point conversion needed to send their game against Arkansas into a 4th OT session, and the top ranked Tigers fell at home 50-48. Darren McFadden staked his claim to the Heisman, running for 206 yards and 3 TDs, leading the 8-4 Razorbacks to this stunning victory, and knocking LSU out of the national title picture.

Saturday night gave us what probably has been the game of the year up to this point. Missouri and Kansas, two schools that were definitely strangers to the national title picture before this year, met at Arrowhead Stadium to see which of them would advance to the Big 12 title game, and remain in the running for the national title. That team will be Missouri, who rode an awesome 40 of 49 performance by QB Chase Daniel to jump out to a 28-7 lead, and held on to top the previously unbeaten Jayhawks 36-28. If Missouri can win this Saturday against Oklahoma, who is the only team to have defeated them this year, they'll play for the national title.

If the Missouri Tigers get to New Orleans, they will meet a team that needs only to dispatch a dismal Pitt squad this weekend to seal their invite, the West Virginia Mountaineers. WV rolled up an insane 517 yards of rushing offense in destroying UConn 66-21 this weekend. UConn is still the second place team in the Big East, and West Virginia beat them by 45. This conference is not good. Is it fair that the Big East will have a team representing it in the national title game while the SEC will not? Probably. Still, this West Virginia team is very good, and there isn't a team in the country that they do not belong on the same field with.

Meanwhile, there is now a huge groundswell of Oklahoma Sooner fans in Columbus, OH.

If Missouri doesn't come out on top against the Sooners this weekend, the The Ohio State team everyone wrote off when they lost to Illinois 2 weeks ago likely vaults into the national title game. They are a BCS conference champion, and have only one loss. That magic combination is something that in this Oklahoma-beats-Missouri scenario that neither the Sooners, Tigers (LSU or Missouri) or Georgia Bulldogs will have. The Buckeyes have no more games left, and that's the best thing they have going for them right now. The importance of being idle, indeed.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

NFL Stretch Run- Week 11

Thanksgiving is already upon us, and that means that it's no longer ridiculous to start seriously tracking the NFL playoff picture.

So, with that mind, we bid a fond farewell to the Three Technique for 2007. I now go into my stretch run mode, and zero in on the teams that are jockeying for position in what is commonly and gayly referred to as "The Tournament".



WON at Buffalo 56-10
Week 12 vs. Philadelphia (5-5)

One of the things I often think to myself is, "It can't possibly be as easy as the Patriots make it look." That thought segues into, "Why does it always look like nobody is covering Randy Moss?".
So I'm watching highlights of this massacre, and I'm watching the first Brady to Moss TD, which was the standard 45 yard pitch and catch that they always do. The funny thing is, the Bills are rushing TWO guys on this play, which means they are dropping nine guys back into coverage. You would think that at least two of these guys would be covering Randy Moss.

Lo and behold though, the pass is lofted up in the end zone, and the only thing impeding Moss from a long TD reception is some guy who is beat by 3 yards giving a half hearted wave at the ball. Not only that, but there is ANOTHER Patriots receiver standing on the 5 yard line with nobody within a 10 yard radius of him. What the hell are the nine guys the Bills dropped into coverage covering exactly? I don't get it.

It's stuff like this that makes me think that part of the reason the Patriots look so good this year is that most of the rest of the league looks so bad.


WON vs. KC 13-10
Week 12 at Atlanta (3-7) Thurs Night

I don't see what the big deal is about Adam Vinatieri. He's still money from inside 25 yards.

Honestly, I don't know what to think about the Colts right now. Part of me says that they are very injured right now with Marvin Harrison, Tony Yugi-oh, Dwight Freeney, and Anthony Gonzalez all out, and that everything will be OK once Marvin comes back.

The other part of me says that watching this team play lately makes me throw up in my mouth. You've got Vinatieri shanking balls all over the place like he's Carlos Huerta, Peyton Manning throwing passes that sail out of bounds in the general vicinity of nobody, and Tony Dungy going for it on 4th and 1 on the KC five with 2 minutes left rather than kicking the field goal because he no longer has any confidence in his zillionaire kicker, then bafflingly having Manning kneel down 3 times right after that.

So the Colts on 4th and 1 go for it, telling me they have no confidence in their kicker, then the next 3 plays take the ball out of their offense's hands and turn it all over to that guy who 30 seconds ago they had no confidence in. That no make sense. The Colts look totally out of sorts right now and it starts with goofy coaching decisions like that one.


LOST at. NYJ 16-19 OT
Week 12 vs. Miami (0-10)

Wow, so uh, you lost to the Jets. Thats...thats really really bad. Seriously.

Now I ask you, how wondiferous would it be if the Steelers have back to back games against the 1-8 Jets, and the 0-10 Dolphins, and they lose them both? They are already halfway there, and shit, if they can lose to the Jets then they can certainly lose to the Dolphins too. The Steelers will be without Troy Polamalu and top receiver Santonio Holmes for this one as well, and that only adds to the intrigue.

And what is up with Willie Parker averaging under 3 yards a carry against the league's 29th ranked run defense? What's up with the Steelers letting Thomas Jones be the first guy to rush for 100 on them in the last 100 years or so?

Oh, and then there's the special teams, which have been bad all year lost this game in OT when they gave up a long punt return to Leon Washington that set up the game winning field goal.

It used to be that only the NFC was bad, now the big boys in the AFC are bringing the suck too. I don't mean to be a party pooper, but this NFL season is over. Give the Patriots their 40 point Super Bowl win now and let's go home.


LOST at JAX 17-24
Week 12 vs. Baltimore (4-6)

Then you've got this enigmatic Chargers team. You'll hear a lot of people say, "Nyehhhhhhh, Why are the Chargers only 5-5???".

Well, in all honesty, they are lucky to be 5-5, because they rank in the bottom of third of the league in both total offense and total defense. There is nothing you can say they do particularly well at this point.

In fact, defensively you can just go right ahead and say they are downright bad. That goes for the much ballyhooed Shawne Merriman too. He's supposed to be the next, next LT, and he's got only 5 1/2 sacks right now, which ranks him 6th among NFL linebackers. As for tackles, he has 45, which ranks him SEVENTY FIRST among linebackers. The password is "Overrated".

There are problems on offense too, most notably that QB Philip Rivers has regressed markedly. He has a 76.5 passer rating after posting a 92.0 last year, and in his last 3 games he's thrown 1 TD against 5 interceptions. He's pretty terrible right now actually.

Terrible. That's a good word for this season in San Diego. Everyone involved in coaching this team should be fired, because it's ridiculous that they are not running away with a dismal AFC West.


WON vs. SD 24-17
Week 12 vs. Buffalo (5-5)

I'm tempted to say the Jaguars are the second best team in the AFC right now. That's probably not true. They are a month removed from just getting throttled 29-7 by the Colts at home on Monday Night Football, so as bad as the Colts have looked of late, they are still probably the better team.

That said, let's not begrudge the Jags that they have played about as well as they can possibly play the last two weeks. The results have been huge wins over teams they are in competition with for playoff position, beating the Titans last week, and taking care of the Chargers in Week 11.

The running game is hitting on all cylinders. The Jags rank third in the league in rushing offense, Fred Taylor has been effective at 4.2 yards a carry, and Maurice Jones Drew has had limited carries but has averaged 5.0 yards per when he does carry the ball. QB David Garrard picked up right where he left off in his return in last week's win after a month long absence. He has been great this year. He has not thrown an INT in 172 attempts, and his 104.6 rating puts him behind only Brady, Roethlisberger, and Romo in the league table.


WON at Baltimore 33-30 OT
Week 12 vs. Houston (5-5)

Last week's win over Baltimore may have been the most exciting game of this NFL season. Down 30-27 with under 30 seconds left, the Browns got the ball in position for a Phil Dawson field goal, albeit a long one. Dawson's kick clanged off the upright, then off the crossbar, and bounced into the end zone, apparently no good.

The Ravens celebrated, and even left the field thinking the game was over. Romeo Crennel took the headset off, thinking the game was over. The officials continued to converse though. Apparently, the kick bounced not off the crossbar, but off the support behind the crossbar, meaning the kick was good, and that instead of the game being over the game was going into OT. The Browns won the toss, Dawson nailed another field goal, and instead of both teams being 5-5, the Browns are 6-4 and in the thick of the playoff race, and the Ravens are 4-6 and done.

Sure, the Browns have given up over 30 points in 5 out of their last 6 games. They've also won 4 of those games, and every week is a thriller. Who would've thought that the Cleveland Browns would be the most exciting team in the league?


LOST at Denver 20-34

Week 12 at Cincinnati 3-7

Last year the Titans started the season miserably, then all of a sudden started winning games and couldn't stop. That carried over into this season, when they bolted out to a 6-2 start. Could it be that just as quickly and just as severely they are now heading back in the other direction?

It wouldn't be the most surprising development. The Titans offense has been operating at peak efficiency for the last year or so despite having no skill position players who inspire any kind of confidence. The running back spot has been a revolving door, the receiving corps is terrible, and quarterback Vince Young has been winning despite putting up some horrible numbers.

All that has been covered up though, by a defense that has been among the best in the league. That defense's best player, Albert Haynesworth, has been hurt the last 2 weeks, and the unit that has been partly responsible for the 2 game losing streak has not been anywhere near what it was the first 8 games.

Even if Haynesworth comes back healthy, you get the feelings the Titans have been playing over their heads for a while now. They're only a game ahead of the Texans in their own division, and a playoff berth that seemed like a sure thing two weeks ago is slowly slipping away.

Meanwhile, the Broncos are now tied for first in the AFC West (although SD is ahead on the tiebreaker). Their defense is showing signs of being not as horrible as it was a few weeks ago, Jay Cutler is making progress, and Javon Walker comes back after a long absence this week. They may just earn the right to get massacred in the playoffs yet!

Sunday, November 18, 2007

New England Patriots Run Up Score?

Hell yeah they run up the fucking score. Do you have a problem with that? If you have a problem with a professional team running up the score, you should probably play in some fucking pee wee league where feelings matter. The Patriots used to suck ass. Now they are crazy dominant. I would run up the score too, and I am pretty modest.

I used to hate the Patriots, and so did everyone else. They won Super Bowls and had no personality. They were just a bunch of nobodies that won and never said shit during interviews. Now they cheat and run up the score. There's your personality, bitches. And now that they have personality you guys want to cry? AHHAHAHAH Every time I watch a Patriots game now I hope they get to 50. Do you miss Dave Chapelle because there's nothing funny anymore? Check out this:

  1. v. Jets 38-14
  2. v. Chargers 38-14
  3. v. Bills 38-7
  4. v. Bengles 34-14
  5. v. Browns 34-17
  6. v. Cowboys 48-27
  7. v. Dolphins 48-28
  8. v. Redskins 52-7
  9. v. Colts 24-20

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA It's like every week I look forward to seeing games like the Bills and Redskins. There is nothing more enjoyable than seeing a professional team get a bukake and cry about it. The other day, my wife was like, "Patrick N, want to have sex with me and 3 other girls?" I was like, "Hell no, the Patriots play the Bills today." So my wife didn't have sex with me, and I got to jack off seeing the Patriots rape the Bills again. win/win

By the way, I know you all buy hoodies and cut the sleeves like Belichick because it's fucking cool. I did it to all my hoodies and everyone is jealous of me. They even tell me I'm number one, and in return I show them they're number one by showing them my dick.

I hope the Patriots go perfect to shit on Don Shula's shitty ass perfect season that no one cares about anymore. In fact, here's what I hope happens at the end of the year:


  • get perfect season (Don Shula and his perfect season team cries)
  • have Bill Belichick get coach of the year (Commish Goodell cries)
  • have Tom Brady win MVP (Peyton Manning cries)
  • win Super Bowl (Everyone cries)
  • give Michael Vick SARS (just because)

In an era where we see our US Dollar worth 93 cents to a Canadian Dollar, I can feel good thinking that the Patriots are running up the score and making people not feel good about themselves.

So Long Sooners

Last night in Lubbock, TX, the Oklahoma Sooners became the 2nd team in 3 days to fall from the national title race. Texas Tech's junior QB Graham Harrell threw SEVENTY TWO passes, and completed 47 of them for 420 yards, and the Texas Tech Red Raiders held on after building a 34-13 lead to stun the third ranked Sooners, 34-27.

With the Oklahoma loss, next weekends showdown between Kansas (who crushed Iowa St. 45-7 yesterday) and Missouri (who got a road win at K State 49-32) becomes a matchup of the 2nd and third ranked teams in the country. That means that the winner of that game advances to the Big 12 title game, and would then have a clear path to the BCS title game if they can survive that test, which will most likely come against Oklahoma.

The Sooner loss was a boon for the West Virginia Mountaineers. They have moved up to third in the BCS poll on the strength of that game, and their 28-23 win this weekend at a tough Cincinnati team behind a combined 258 rushing yards for QB Patrick White and RB Steve Slaton. The Mountaineers are home for their last 2 games against UConn and Pitt, and a Sooner win in the Big 12 title game would move them up to at least #2, and give them a national title date.

This week was unique in that the #1 team DIDN'T lose, as has been the custom lately. LSU managed to hold on to the top spot for at least one more week, topping Ole Miss on the road 41-24. The Tigers close the regular season schedule with a home date against Arkansas next week, then will move on to the SEC Championship game.

Buckeye Nation should be extremely interested in both the SEC and Big 12 Title games. The Buckeyes renewed their annual tradition of spanking Michigan, this time doing it in the Big House on a cold, drizzly day, grinding out a 14-3 win. While the picture above suggests the Buckeyes are going to the Rose Bowl, an LSU loss in the SEC Title game and an Oklahoma win in the Big 12 championship would set up an Ohio State vs. West Virginia national title game. It's unlikely, but in this season, unlikely means nothing.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Duck, Duck, Lose

Well, guess what, we had a college football playoff game last night!! And Oregon lost, 34-24 to an Arizona team that now has a 5-6 record. Not only that but the Ducks lost their superstar QB Dennis Dixon to a knee injury and had to replace him with Ryan Leaf's brother. You can imagine how that worked out. As if that weren't bad enough the actual Ryan Leaf was on the Oregon sideline watching the game. I can't believe knowing this I didn't bet like a million dollars on Arizona.

Anyway, this is a huge development in the national title picture. The previously 2nd ranked Ducks BCS goose is now cooked.

LSU still controls their own destiny and will unless they lose a game between now and the end of the regular season. That's not a slam dunk though, because they play in the SEC and the SEC Championship game will be no gimme. Let's assume for the moment that they successfully navigate this though. Who will now be their opponent?

Most likely, it will be the Big 12 champion. This especially holds true if that champion is Oklahoma or Kansas. If Missouri comes out on top, then it gets a little more tricky, then Ohio State and West Virginia and maybe even Arizona State are still in the mix, and it comes down to a computerized beauty contest between those teams.

Anyway, right now we're looking at a probable title game of LSU vs. either Oklahoma or Kansas. Missouri, Ohio State, West Virginia, and Arizona State all still have very realistic hope though.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Three Technique- Week 10

(6-3) JAGUARS 28, (6-3) TITANS 13

1. I really can't tell these 2 teams apart anymore. They both run the ball alot because they have no receivers, they both have the same record, they both play in the same division, they both have defenses that revolve around their tackles, they both are really inconsistent. They are exact doubles, like Homer Simpson and Guy Incognito.

2. The Titans' defense were not themselves in this game. The league's 2nd ranked unit got 166 rushing yards hung on them. A lot of that is probably due to them missing 2 starting D linemen in this game, Albert Haynesworth and Travis LaBoy.

3. The Titans missed a big chance to put the boot to the throat of the Jags when they lost this game. A win would have made it a sweep over Jacksonville, and given them a 3 game lead, and pretty much guaranteed a playoff spot. Now, they are dead even. A consolation might be that both of these teams are probably getting in. They would be the wildcards right now at 6-3, and the teams behind them are 5-4 Cleveland and Buffalo, both of whom have been surprising so far this year and haven't played meaningful late season games in forever.

(7-2) STEELERS 31, (5-4) BROWNS 28

1. The turning point in this game came with the Browns up 21-9 in the third quarter when Jamal Lewis was trying to struggle for a few extra yards despite having about 7 Steelers hanging from him. Of course, he got the ball stripped from him and the Steelers recovered, and the comeback began. Dude, when you're protecting a 12 point lead, just go down.

2. Ben Roethlisberger tucked and ran 30 yards for a 4th quarter TD that put the Steelers up 24-21 with 11 1/2 minutes to play, then Josh Cribbs scooped up the ensuing kickoff on his own goal line, and after looking like he was going to be tackled deep in Browns territory, got past the defense for a 100 yard kick return to put the Browns back ahead.

3. On the drive that gave the Steelers their winning points, the Browns gave up a first down on 3rd and 18, then let Ben scramble for another one on 3rd and 9. That set up a Ben to Heath Miller go ahead TD pass. Phil Dawson attempted a 55 yarder as time ran out, and the Browns were all jumping up and down like it was going to be good. It wasn't good though, it bounced about 3 yards in front of the goal posts. Depth perception, dudes, try it some time. An exciting finish to a great game. The Browns may have lost, but they've got it goin on. They lost to the Steelers 34-7 in Week 1, but scared the bejeezus out of them in Week 10 despite losing a close one. It was like the championship game in Bad News Bears. I thought Derek Anderson was going to tell the Steelers, "You can take your apology, and your trophy, and shove it straight up your ass!"

(5-4) BILLS 13, (0-9) DOLPHINS 10

1. This may not be the end for him as the Bills' starting QB, but I think this one will go down as the last time anyone starts JP Losman as their fantasy QB. My God. 12 completions for 157 yards? The Bills still won though. They've won 5 out of 6. If it wasn't for that wacky loss to the Cowboys it would be 6 in a row. Hey Bears fans, how many of you still think Lovie Smith is a better coach than Dick Jauron? If you do, you're not right.

2. With the Rams winning, the Dolphins are the last winless team in the league. Their plan of action from here on out is to activate Ricky Williams and install 40 year old rookie John Beck at QB. This would have been the perfect time to turn things over to Brady Quinn, if they, you know, drafted him like they should have.

3. Will the Dolphins go 0-16??? No. They will win on Dec 2 at home against the Jets. They also have home games against the Ravens and Bengals and I'm guaranteeing they win at least one of them.

(5-4) SEAHAWKS 24, (2-7) 49ERS 0

1. This guy beneath this sentence sucks at football.

2. Here's another picture of him looking like a douchebag.

3. If I ever become an NFL GM and have the #1 overall pick in the draft, I'm using it to draft a big, angry, scary, black man. Not someone that looks like an extra from Queer As Folk.

(4-5) CARDINALS 31, (6-3) LIONS 21

1. The Lions handed the ball off to running backs a grand total of 6 times, and ran for -18 yards as a team. Remember, this team was 6-2 heading into this game. A 6-2 team ran for negative 18 yards. NFC football is fannnntastic.

2. This game could end up coming back to haunt the Lions come tiebreaker time. The Cardinals have some winnable games lined up for the next month, while the Lions are facing the Giants, Packers, and Cowboys in that same time period.

3. Actually, I'm not really sure why any of that matters though. Both of these teams have about as much chance of winning the Super Bowl as Notre Dame does. Getting a Wildcard spot this year is kind of like making the Emerald City Bowl or some bullshit like that, I guess it's nice, but it doesn't really mean much.

(4-5) EAGLES 33, (5-4) REDSKINS 25

1. James Thrash climbed out of his mausoleum and scored 2 TDs for one of these teams. I don't know which team, I just know every year he is on either the Eagles or the Redskins and it changes every year. I don't have time to keep track of which one it is now. Keenan McCardell scored too. It was a big day for wideouts I thought were out of the league.

2. Brian Westbrook had 183 total yards from scrimmage and 3 TDs, including a go-ahead 57 yard TD reception with 3 minutes left in the game. Donovan McNabb completed 20 of 28 passes and threw 4 TDs against 0 INTS. Of course, none of this has any bearing on what the Eagles will do this week or any other week because the results of their games are seemingly determined by a random number generator. I seriously have no idea how this team will come out each week.

3. Joe Gibbs thought a 5 point lead with 4 minutes to play would be safe with his defense, as he opted to run a draw on 3rd and goal inside the 10 late in the game rather than take a shot at the end zone. Joe Gibbs thought wrong. The Redskins just can't get that bad team stink off them can they? They've still got 2 games left with Dallas plus one at the Giants. That sounds like 7 losses to me, which means no playoffs. :-(

(8-1) PACKERS 34, (3-6) VIKINGS 0

1. Ryan Grant's now run for over 100 yards in 2 out of his last 3 games, and did it this time against a Vikings defense that was giving up well under 3 yards a carry heading into this game.

2. How awesome is that Thursday Night game the week after Thanksgiving between the Pack and Cowboys looking right now? It could end up deciding homefield advantage in the NFC, and who ends up going to the Super Bowl. I can't wait to hear Bryant Gumbel whispering the play by play of that one on the NFL Network.

3. Adrian Peterson suffered a torn knee ligament in this game. It doesn't look like it will be season ending, but he's definitely not playing this weekend. If I'm the Vikings, I think at 3-6 and given his injury, I shut him down for a month if not longer. It really makes no sense for him to be playing with a torn knee ligament for this team. Have surgery if you need it and come back strong next year to take handoffs from Donovan McNabb.

(5-4) CHARGERS 23, (7-2) COLTS 21

1. Heading into this game, I needed 29 points from Peyton Manning and Adam Vinatieri in order to win my fantasy game. This worked out great for me.

2. That's sarcasm. I'm sure anyone reading this already knows, but Manning looked lost without Marvin Harrison and Dallas Clark, and threw six interceptions, and Vinatieri missed 2 field goals, including a 29 yarder with 1:30 left that should have put the Colts ahead.

3. Ironically, the Chargers offense may have been even worse than Indy's. Philip Rivers continues to wither under Norv Turner, and completed only 13 passes for 102 yards and a 0/2 TD/INT tally. If not for 2 TD returns by Darren Sproles, and 4 INT's for Antonio Cromartie, the Chargers would have lost.

(8-1) COWBOYS 31, (6-3) GIANTS 20

1. Congrats to the NFC East champion Dallas Cowboys. It's not official yet, but winning this game puts them 3 games plus the tiebreaker in front of the second place Giants. They still have a lot to play for though, as it could go down to the wire against the 8-1 Pack for home field advantage. I gotta say though, I'm rooting for the Packers on that one. Who wouldn't love to see an Ice Bowl rematch at Lambeau Field in the NFC Championship game?

2. TO should be getting some serious consideration in the MVP voting this year. He was awesome again in this game, catching 6 passes for 125 yards and 2 second half TDs that provided the winning margin of victory. He's on pace to comfortably set career highs in yards and TDs this year. He's better than he's ever been.

3. The Giants have been a streaky team in recent years, and in the second half of most recent seasons those streaks have been losing ones. This loss could send them down that slippery slope once again.

And now...some of the less appetizing matchups of Week 10

(3-6) BENGALS 21, (4-5) RAVENS 7
Do you like field goals? That's awesome, cause Shayne Graham kicked 7 of them. The Bengals drop the Ravens below .500 and now have company for their misery.

(3-6) FALCONS 20, (4-5) PANTHERS 13
Alge Crumpler catches the game winning TD from Joey Harrington with 20 seconds left. Harrington's led the Falcons to two straight wins, and his reward shall be a benching this weekend.

(4-5) BRONCOS 27, (4-5) CHIEFS 11
Not that Larry Johnson's been setting the world on fire this year, but the Chiefs really have no chance without him. Damon Huard got benched for Brodie Croyle. Shockingly, this did not fix everything, and the Chiefs still lost. If you direct your eyes up 3 lines, you will see a sad man.

(1-8) RAMS 37, (4-5) SAINTS 29
The Rams pick up their first win of the year behind 302 passing yards from Bulger and 124 yards from Tory Holt. This puts the 1-8 Rams right back in the thick of the NFC West race. The 4-5 Saints are pretty much a shoo-in in the NFC South.

(4-5) BEARS 17, (2-7) RAIDERS 6
Brian Griese- "Wow."
Bears Trainer- "Stay right where you are Brian, don't move."
Brian Griese- "What's going on?"
Bears Trainer- "You're obviously hurt very badly, you said "Ow"."
BG- "No I didn't, I said..."
BT- "Hey, look over there"...(shoves Griese onto golf cart)
BG- "Why is this golf cart going 70 miles an hour?"
Lovie Smith- "Rex you're in!"
Jerry Angelo tents fingers in an evil way up in press box.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Craplacticos Finale - The Critic

The season finale of the Patrick N series "Craplacticos" talks about the series aims and features some non-craplacticos.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

College Football Homestretch

You won't ever hear me say there should be a playoff system in college football. In my world, if that were to happen, the college football season would become just as meaningful as the college basketball regular season, which is only a little more meaningful than Tic Tac Dough reruns on the Game Show Network.

I like things the way they are. It's not perfect, but it makes for an intriguing Rubik's Cube of possibilities, especially given what happened in Columbus yesterday.


Illinois rushed for 260 yards, opening up room for Juice Williams to finish things off with 4 TD passes, and the 8-3 Illinois Fighting Illini threw the BCS standings into a state of upheaval by knocking off the #1 Ohio State Buckeyes 28-21 in Columbus.

So with the Buckeyes slipping out of the National Title game for the time being, who benefits?


The new #1 will be the LSU Tigers. They survived a stern test (Bwahahahahaha) from Louisiana Tech this week, winning a 58-10 nail biter. They should win their last two pretty easily, as they travel to Oxford, MS to face Ole Miss, then finish up at home against Arkansas. Their probably foe in the SEC title game will be Georgia, who looked impressive in a 45-20 dismantling of Auburn this week. Of course, UGA looked pretty unimpressive giving up 34 points to Troy the week before. LSU has the advantage of controlling its own destiny, but that SEC title game may just be their biggest obstacle on the road to a national title.
They win the SEC. Easier said than done. Georgia looms large.


The Ducks had the week off, but they'll enter next week as #2. As you might be able to deduce, the top 2 teams in the BCS standings play for the championship, so they control their own destiny. Their toughest test will come when they travel to face wildly inconsistent UCLA in two weeks. They have a huge advantage in that they don't have to play a conference title game. They have a huge disadvantage in that this is the same team that got its ass handed to them by BYU in its bowl game last year, so they are my prime candidate to be exposed next.


The Ducks have the easiest road. A home game against Arizona should be a gimme. A roadie at UCLA less so, and then a rivalry game at home against Oregon State. All 3 are games the Ducks should win, and will need to if they want a title shot.


All 3 of these teams rolled in conference games yesterday. Oklahoma trounced Baylor 52-21 behind 3 TD passes for Sam Bradford and 3 rushing touchdowns for DeMarco Murray. Kansas handled Oklahoma State in a nationally televised night game in Stillwater, 43-28. Mizzou thumped Texas A+M 40-26 in Columbia. Missouri plays at Kansas in 2 weeks, with the winner likely going to the Big 12 title game to face Oklahoma.


The Big 12 champ will probably only get in if either LSU loses the SEC title game, or if Oregon doesn't win the Pac 10. If that happens, Kansas would be in for sure because the only way they are Big 12 champs is if they finish unbeaten. Oklahoma or Missouri would have to hope the BCS supercomputer deems them more worthy than some other potential 1 loss BCS conference champs, beginning with..


The 8-1 Mountaineers knocked off Louisville when QB Patrick White broke a 50 yard TD run with just over a minute remaining. They'll be tested severely when they go on the road to face 8-2 Cincinnati next week.


Oregon needs to lose. LSU probably does too, because the chances of UWV getting BCS love over the Big 12 champs are slim.


Yes, that brings us back to the Buckeyes. Of course, OSU needs to beat Michigan next week. From there, it's not as impossible as you might think.


Oregon or LSU lose, and Kansas doesn't win the big 12. Then, the Buckeyes go back in the one loss BCS conference champion hopper with West Virginia, either Missouri or Oklahoma, and a team that could still come out of nowhere to host the national title game...


The Sun Devils have one loss, but because it was to Oregon a mere two weeks ago, they've been buried near the bottom of the top 10. However, if they win at home against USC in two weeks, then take care of business at home against Arizona, they would finish the regular season with only one loss. If Oregon does not win out, that would make the Sun Devils the Pac 10 champs, and more than that the Pac 10 champs with only one loss.


Stay with me. Of course, ASU needs to win out (including beating USC) and Oregon needs to lose. Kansas needs to not win the Big 12. It wouldn't hurt if LSU lost the SEC title game, but it's not 100% necessary. Michigan beating Ohio State probably is necessary. West Virginia stumbling would complete the complicated spell. However, simply winning the Pac 10 while Ohio State and Kansas lose a game may just be enough to get them in. That would probably leave it between West Virginia and the Sun Devils, and they could win that computerized showdown.

To recap, circle these games that are going to determine the 2 teams playing for the national title:
11/17 West Virginia at Cincinnati
11/17 Oklahoma at Texas Tech
11/17 Ohio State at Michigan
11/22 USC at Arizona State
11/24 Oregon at UCLA
11/24 Missouri at Kansas
12/1 Oregon State at Oregon
12/1 SEC Championship Game--most likely LSU v. Georgia
12/1 Big 12 Championship Game-- Missouri or Kansas v. Oklahoma

Friday, November 9, 2007

Vikings Fine Player For Mourning Grandmother's Death

The Minnesota Vikings have fined wide receiver Troy Williamson one game paycheck, $25,588.24, for skipping three practices last week and last Sunday's game against San Diego to be with his family because of his grandmother's death.

Wow, I guess Williamson should be banned some games for personal conduct code violations of CARING FOR YOUR FUCKING GRANDMOTHER.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Craplaticos - Bofo My Angel

Episode 5 of 6 for the Craplacticos series features Bofo My Angel.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Three Technique- Week 9

Starting this week, not every game gets a three point rundown. If you're not over .500 halfway thru the season, you are dead to me, and if there's a game where two of these teams play each other, they get the one line treatment from me.

(4-5) TEXANS 24, (2-6) RAIDERS 17
Ron Dayne and Justin Fargas running all over the place like they are Red Grange and Jim Brown. Texans lose CB Dunta Robinson for the season.

(2-6) FALCONS 20, (2-6) 49ERS 16
Alex Smith has B-U-S, and needs to hit a blindfolded halfcourt shot to avoid getting the "T". Warrick Dunn seriously rushed for 100 yards.

So, with that out of the way...

(5-4) BUCS 17, (3-5) CARDINALS 10

1. Why does Jeff Garcia always play like he's on a trampoline? Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, pump fake, bouncy, bouncy, run, bouncy, throw. It's like this on every play.

2. Earnest Graham looked like a really good NFL running back in this game, carrying 34 times for 124 yards and a TD.

3. The Cards rolled up an impressive 23 yards rushing. It took 9 weeks, but the Cardinals can take comfort in the fact that they have regressed to being exactly the same team they were in last year's dismal season.

(4-4) BILLS 33, (2-6) BENGALS 21

1. Don't look now, but the Bills have won 4 out of their last 5, and were it not for that crazy loss to the Cowboys would be working on a 5 game winning streak.

2. He may have been overshadowed by fellow rookie Adrian Peterson's breaking the single game NFL rushing record on the same day, but Marshawn Lynch had a huge day too. He carried 29 times for 153 yards and a TD, and also threw a TD pass. Add that to JP Losman and Lee Evans doing their Keymaster/Gatekeeper routine, and the Bills could hang around the playoff chase all season.

3. Ocho Cinco was carted off with about 2 minutes left in this game. He had 1 catch for 6 yards prior to being knocked into next week by Donte Whitner.

(3-5) VIKINGS 35, (4-4) CHARGERS 17

1. The Vikings have a running back who ran for almost 300 yards against a pretty good defense, and the Vikings also have a defense that is impossible to run the ball against. A golden retriever with a headset should be able to coach this team to the playoffs in the weak ass NFC. Yet here the Vikings sit at 3-5. Brad Childress is a great-o coach.

2. An English bulldog with a headset could get the Chargers into the playoffs, and they are nowhere near as intelligent as golden retrievers, yet Norv Turner is struggling mightily with that.

3. Antonio Cromartie scored the longest TD in NFL history when he ran a missed field goal back 109 yards on the the last play of the first half. Does anybody ever NOT score when they run back a missed field goal? Seriously, everytime somebody runs one of those out they end up going 100 yards. It has like a 100% success rate. I would build my entire offense around that play.

(7-1) PACKERS 33, (4-4) CHIEFS 22

1. Greg Jennings just keeps making huge plays for the Packers. Last week he reeled in the game winning TD catch in OT, this week he busts 50 some yards after the catch to give the Pack the go ahead TD with three minutes left in the game.

2. Larry Johnson left this game with a foot injury after getting in the end zone twice. It's not looking like he will play in this week's crucial game against the Broncos, and if it's broken he's out for the year. This means that Priest Holmes is going to get the start. Word to the wise, don't run out and pick up Holmes off your waiver wire. The Chiefs are averaging under 80 yards rushing a game, and in limited action Priest doesn't look like he's the guy to improve on that.

3. Charles Woodson salted the game away with an INT return for a touchdown. Between him and Randy Moss, it's amazing how restorative the power of leaving the Oakland Raiders is to a player's career.

(6-2) LIONS 44, (3-5) BRONCOS 7

1. Wow. Congratulations, Broncos. You're now the team that lost 44-7 to the Lions.

2. Something has gotten into the Lions' defense since the bye week. In their 3 games leading up to their apparently much needed week off, the Lions gave up 117 points. In their 3 games since, they've given up 30. If the defense keeps playing like this, and they have the talent to, especially up front, there is no reason that the Lions can't.....wait for it.....go to the Super Bowl.

3. There was an animated Jay Cutler on last night's South Park. It was something to the effect of Stan pointing him out to Kyle and saying "You're Jay Cutler, the quarterback for the Denver Broncos! You kind of suck right now, but my dad says you might be good someday." Awesome.

(6-2) TITANS 20, (4-4) PANTHERS 7

1. I'm watching highlights of this game, and a lot of them involve David Carr getting sacked. I've noticed that on every single one of these sacks that I'm watching, he does a pump fake first. Let me put on my QB coach hat and say, David Carr, QUIT IT WITH THE PUMPFAKES. You've been in the league how long now? This isn't the WAC anymore, you should know you don't have time to do that. Get rid of the ball. My God.

2. The hot story around the Titans this week was that there was a possibility Pacman Jones could get his suspension shortened, and possibly be back playing for the Titans this year. It turned out it's not going to happen. Still, I can't think of a team that needs somebody less than the Titans need Pacman Jones right now. They need Pacman Jones like Andy Reid needs another kid.

3. The Panthers play 3 out of their next 4 games at home. You would think that would be a good thing, but the Panthers are 0-3 at home. Anyway, it's only a matter of time before the Saints have the Panthers buried. This team is not going to the playoffs.

(4-4) SAINTS 41, (5-3) JAGUARS 24

1. Maurice Jones Drew had a 100 yard kickoff return for a TD in this game. Well isn't that special. You know how many fantasy points I get for that? It's somewhere between 0 and zero. Other than that he had 5 carries for 28 yards. I'm done with you Maurice. Go sit on my fantasy bench next to Sakmon Gado.

2. Marques Colston has gone completely bonkers the last two weeks. A guy that looked like he was being hit hard by the sophomore jinx had 3 TDs in Week 8, and 10 catches for 159 yards in this game. Couple that with Drew Brees going off for 445 yards, and the Saints' offense is every bit as threatening as it was in 2006. I feel threatened by them right now.

3. Jack Del Rio's future in Jacksonville is pretty much riding on the Jags' next 4 games. They're all tough ones. First it's at Tennessee, then at home against the Chargers and the recently resurgent Bills, then on the road against the Colts. Especially crucial will be the games against Buffalo and Tennessee, as those are both teams the Jaguars will need to beat out for a wild card spot.

(5-3) BROWNS 33, (4-4) SEAHAWKS 30 OT

1. Jamal Lewis scored 4 TDs for the Browns, and for my fantasy team, and my fantasy team still lost. I cannot get over the feeling that I have somehow let him down.

2. On the first drive of OT, the Hawks had 4th and 1 on the Browns 45, and Maurice Morris got stuffed for no gain on a play which pretty much decided the contest. What does that say about Shaun Alexander's current level of abilities when Maurice Morris and not him is getting the ball in this situation?

3. Mike Holmgren said it all when asked about his team's ability to pick up a crucial first down on 4th and 1/2 a yard when he said after the game, "We used to be pretty good at it. We're not very good at it now." There, there Mike. At least you are not Andy Reid. You may even be a little less fat than Andy Reid.

(5-3) REDSKINS 23, (1-8) JETS 20 OT

1. The Redskins rolled up 296 rushing yards in this game. I think the blame can be placed squarely on the shoulders of Chad Pennington.

2. The most notable thing about those 296 yards was that 196 of them came from Clinton Portis. Up until this game I was sure Portis had already suffered some sort of season ending injury. Last time I saw his name in print it was on my fantasy league's waiver wire where some guy had dropped him and picked up Justin Fargas.

3. I heard that the Jets are considering trading LB Jonathan Vilma (who can't be incriminated in this defensive performance because he didn't play) because they've found a replacement for him in rookie David Harris. They say this because Harris had an obscene 24 tackles in this game. I say, well, part of the reason he had 24 tackles was because the Redskins ran the ball 48 TIMES. They did this because the Jets, including Harris, could not stop them from running it effectively. Meanwhile, Eric Mangenius got the dreaded vote of confidence from the Jets' owner this week. Carmelo Anthony was right when he told us all to Stop Snitchin, just look at Mangini.

(9-0) PATRIOTS 24, (7-1) COLTS 20

1. I'm not going to sit here and stroke my beard and debate with myself on whether or not the Patriots are going to run the table this year. They will. This team is not losing a game this year. They were down 20-10 in the 4th quarter, with the refs seemingly doing everything in their power to hand the game to Indy (New England was slapped with 146 yards in penalties in this game), and what did they do? They went all late 90s Michael Jordan Bulls on us and just said, "Uh uh, we're not losing.", and they just ripped the game right out from the Colts hands. If they can do that to the Colts, they can do that to anyone. 19-0. Guaranteed.

2. I wrote in this week's GDITHOOS that I could see Joseph Addai running for 200 yards in this game. Ok, he didn't run for 200 yards, but he did have 226 yards from scrimmage against the mighty New England defense.

3. Following the Pats win, Don Shula, the man who coached the 1972 Dolphins to the last undefeated season in the NFL, and who lost a lot of weight on NutraSystem, said the Patriots season would be "tainted" by the Spygate thing if they break that Dolphins' team record. Uh huh huh huh, he said "taint".

(7-1) COWBOYS 38, (3-5) EAGLES 17

1. Awesome job by McNabb, completely taking the air out of everyone in the stadium not wearing a star on their helmet by fumbling the ball away on the first play of the game. He is a bigger bitch than that woman Joan Collins used to play on Dynasty.

2. That was an innovative gameplan the Eagles used on defense. Usually teams go into games trying NOT to get ass raped by the other team's best player instead of leaving him wide open all night long.

3. So there you go, TO has officially had the last laugh on the Eagles. He went into their house and hung 174 yards on them on national TV in a blowout win that effectively ended the Eagles season. Let that be a lesson to all of you: being a team player is for sissies and communists.

(6-2) STEELERS 38, (4-4) RAVENS 7

1. You can go ahead and stick the fork in the Ravens, I am officially declaring them dead. Beginning in Week 12 they've got a 3 week stretch that sees them at San Diego, then at home against New England and Indy. I don't see them winning any of those games, which gives them 7 losses (at least), which means no playoffs.

2. Ben's 5 TD passes in this game gives him 20 on the year, which is not only more than he threw in the entirety of his miserable 2006, but also more than he threw in the Steelers' Super Bowl winning 2005 season.

3. Aside from Ben, this game belonged to Steelers LB James Harrison. He had 10 tackles, 3 1/2 sacks, an interception, a fumble recovery, 2 forced fumbles, and a hellacious hit on Ed Reed on a punt return that sent the football flying about 10 yards thru the air.