Wednesday, March 31, 2010

My Best Artwork Ever

I am here to share with you my best artwork I have ever done. I have done videos, music, and writing, but nothing compares to the works of art I have been working on for the past few days. I am here to show you my masterpieces and grade them based off the highest standards established by the art community. Here is my favorite:

I call this, "Ode to Hilarity." The bold strokes. The contrasting colors. The dude holding his ankle. These are the qualities in art that make a man cry like a newborn child. A+ painting. I based this painting off an original photo that also makes me laugh:

This photo was originally called, "The End of Manchester United's Season" but was renamed, "Man U Just Lost All Their Trophies." From this photo, I was inspired to make more art.

I call this, "The Blur that is Man U's Season." Here I decided to use chalk to symbolize how other teams are going to school Man U now that they lost their best player. Each line carefully depicts how Wayne Rooney scores three times as much as the next highest scorer Man U has. A definate A+ piece of artwork here.

I call this drawing, "Fade to Black," using charcoal to express the feelings Manchester United fans felt as they saw Rooney fall like a sack of shit. Their season, so bright. But now, it is dark. Notice that Rooney is holding his ankle. Hilariously magnificent in it's expression. A+, of course.

This is called, "Glass" as I used pieces of glass to compose this masterpiece. This piece of art leaves the most interpretations for the viewer. Does the glass represent the glass ceiling that now exists because Rooney's ankle died? Does it represent the fragile nature of Rooney's ankle? Does it represent the fragile nature of Manchester United's season? Or is this representative of a foreshadowing on the shattered dreams of every Red Devil fan in the world as I lick the tears off their face like they're candy? We will never know what my inspiration meant in this piece of art other than to express that this injury could not come at a better time than right before they play Chelsea. A+ masterpiece. A+ injury. A+ Ha ha, fucker.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Soccer Week In Review

Arsenal has always seemed soft to me. They play a very pretty game. Probably the most fun team to watch in England, but they've just kind of got an Indianapolis Colts-like lack of grit that pops up at the worst possible times. This past weekend may have been one of those times. The Gunners' EPL title hopes took a big hit when Birmingham's Kevin Phillips' injury time header gave Birmingham a 1-1 draw against Arsenal. Arsenal, who has been coming on strong in the last month, now finds themselves 4 points back of Man U for first place and 3 points back of Chelsea for second.

Chelsea had been rocked by their ouster in the round of 16 against Jose Mourinho and Inter. They pulled it together big time last week though. How does 6 points and 12 goals in 2 matches sound? The Blues took apart Portsmouth during the week, like they should, 5-0, and followed it up with a really impressive 7-1 demolition of a pretty decent Aston Villa team on the weekend. Frank Lampard had 4 goals in that match BTW. Chelsea is now one point back of Man U, which put on a clinic of their own this weekend in a 4-0 rout of Bolton sans Wayne Rooney and Rio Ferdinand, who were being rested in anticipation of the first leg of the Champions League quarterfinal matchup with Bayern Munich that starts today. Dimitar Berbatov had two goals for the Devils' JV.

The race for 4th place and a spot in the Champions League remains tight. Tottenham is now 2 points clear in that race following a week that saw them beat Portsmouth (and also advance in the FA Cup by beating Fulham). Man City is 2 points back.

Real and Barca remained locked in a death struggle for 1st place. Real picked up 6 points last week, but didn't exactly look super impressive doing it. They gave up 4 goals combined in wins over middle of the pack Getafe and Atletico Madrid. Barca kept pace with a 2-0 midweek win over Osasuna, and a gritty 1-0 win at 4th place Mallorca, who was 12-1-0 at home heading into the match. Valencia is safely ensconced in 3rd place 6 points ahead of Mallorca, and barring disaster will head to the Champions League next fall.

Mourinho and Inter seem to have a laser like focus on winning the Champions League this year, and seem to have a relatively realistic shot of doing so. Will it cost them the Scudetto though? AS Roma pulled within a point of the lead with a 2-1 win over Inter. Luca Toni struck in the 72nd minute to give Roma the win. Inter maybe looking ahead to this weekend's CL match against CSKA. AC Milan had a golden opportunity to put even more pressure on the leaders, but could manage only a point out of a 1-1 draw at home against Lazio, who is fighting to avoid relegation.

There are SIX teams within 3 points of first place in France's league, which is enjoying a banner year. Both of the top teams lost to other teams in the scramble, with Bordeaux falling 3-1 to Marseille, and Montpellier losing 4-1 to Lille. Auxerre vaulted into a 3 way tie for the lead with a scoreless draw against Monaco, and perennial powerhouse Lyon lurks 2 points off the lead.

Schalke 04 rebounded from a 1-0 loss in the DFB Pokal (German Cup) to Bayern Munich earlier in the week to win 2-0 over Bayer Leverkusen on the weekend and stay atop the Bundesliga. The loss was a big blow to Leverkusen's title hopes, as they now find themselves in 3rd place, 5 points back. Bayern Munich is in second, and suffered their second consecutive league defeat, this time falling 2-1 at home against Stuttgart.

America's league narrowly avoided what would have been a crippling work stoppage and got their season underway last week. Seattle won the season opener 2-0 over the expansion Philadelphia Union, while defending champs Real Salt Lake got a pair of goals from Argentinian Javier Morales in an impressive 3-0 win over San Jose. The runner up LA Galaxy started life without Beckham with a 1-0 win over New England, New York opened its new stadium with a 1-0 win over Chicago, Kansas City demolished DC United 4-0, Columbus beat Toronto 2-0, and Houston and Dallas played to a 1-1 draw.

Chivas is tops in the league with 27 points, and has 10 goals in 11 matches from Javier Hernandez Balcazar. Defending Champs Monterrey lead their group, and Santos de Laguna is on top of theirs.

If it's the window between NFL Free Agency and the NFL Draft, it must be NFL Police Blotter time! Santonio Holmes is following in the footsteps of his quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger, in the off field misadventures arena. He's also been busy telling people on Twitter to kill themselves. What a great bunch of guys those Steelers! America's Team 2000!

- Donovan McNabb has stated that were the Eagles to trade him, he'd wanted to be traded to the Vikings. The Vikings have responded by being all like "uhhhhh, that's great, but we're really not all that interested". So now we're hearing all kinds of Donovan McNabb to the Raiders rumors. Wow, if McNabb is really as great as the liberal media has said he is all these years, why aren't teams falling all over themselves to try and make a play for him now that he's available. Could he really be overrated? Nooooo. That can't be.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Dear Patrick

Dear Patrick-

The Bears did not get Anquan Boldin because they traded away all their draft picks for a pouty quarterback who looks like Chumley from Pawn Stars and a dead 170 pound defensive lineman. Mike Martz has said that Devin Hester reminds him of Az Hakim, so expect the Bears offense next year to look like the Rams offense would have looked if Az Hakim were their best receiver.

As for overtime, the rule had to be changed because Brett Favre didn't make the Super Bowl. This can't be allowed to happen again. Think how awesome the Super Bowl would have been if Brett Favre were playing in it. The childlike joy alone would have exploded your television. About your question regarding what happens if there is a safety, only a douchebag like Tony Romo would let himself get safetied in overtime, so unless he's playing, you have nothing to worry about.

The Lions are interested in PacMan Jones because his career could recover there, as Detroit doesn't have any strip clubs or functioning businesses of any kind for that matter.

Diary now must get back to watching last nights episode of Lost again. It was so awesome.

Dear Nicky P

Dear Nicky P, my sports diary,

How are you? I'm fine. I'm just really confused about some of the things going on in the NFL. The Bears need a WR and didn't pick up Boldin from Arizona. I mean, even Terrell Owens would be better than what they have. Plus, they have an interception problem, so they should solve that somehow. Maybe have Jay Cutler run super safe offenses like they do for Mark Sanchez.

Then there's this overtime rule. Each team has the ball unless the first team scores a touchdown. Why? Why not just have each team have the ball, period? So if my team gets a safety, doesn't that count as a possession? Then if the other team gets a field goal, it's over? Or is it that those are the two possessions and it's over? Stupid fucking rules.

And Mr. Diary P, why the hell are the Lions interested in Pacman Jones? WHY?

Why, Mr. Diary? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy


Patrick N

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Barca, Bordeaux Round Out Champions League QF Field

- Not much in the way of surprises on the final day of the Champions League Round of 16 last week. Barcelona quickly put down any thoughts of a Stuttgart upset at Camp Neu. Lionel Messi opened the scoring in the 13th minute then helped set up Pedro Rodriguez' goal 9 minutes later. Messi then added another goal in the second half, and Barca cruised to a 4-0 win. Meanwhile, Bordeaux held off a game Olympiakos squad, winning 2-1 and getting a 3-1 win on the aggregate.

- So YOUR Champions League quarterfinals matchups are:

Lyon v. Bordeaux- Ooo la la! Only one French squad will survive into the semis, but one French squad is guaranteed to be there.

Bayern Munich v. Man U- Bayern struggled against Fiorentina and probably will get steamrolled.

Arsenal v. Barcelona- Arsenal may be the hottest team in Europe right now, so Barca beware.

Inter v. CSKA- Barring a letdown after the monumental win over Chelsea, Mourinho should return to the final 4.

- Last week also saw us paring down the Europa Cup field to 16. The most notable result was Juventus writing the most horrific chapter of its nightmare season by collapsing at Fulham, blowing a 3-1 advantage from the first leg, and losing 4-1 to get knocked out and drawing 2 red cards in the process. American Clint Dempsey had the clinching goal.

- Also in the Europa League, David Villa had a hat trick to earn Valencia's advancement with a 4-4 draw at Werder Bremen. German champs Wolfsburg advanced with a 2-1 win over Rubin Kazan. Atletico Madrid got 2 goals from Sergio Aguero to knock out Sporting Lisbon, and Liverpool saved some face by bouncing back from a 1-0 defeat at Lille to win 3-0 at Anfield with 2 goals from Fernando Torres. So maybe they are not the "sinking ship" that their midfielder Albert Riera (who is being sold to CSKA) says they are.

- The weekend took us back to the domestic leagues, and the races remain tight. Speaking of sinking ships, Chelsea continues to take on water. They followed up the landmark loss to Inter during the week with a disappointing 1-1 draw at Blackburn. Now they are in 3rd place, 4 points out of first, and Carlo Ancelotti is busy batting away suggestions that he not return to Stamford Bridge next year. Man U remains on top after beating Liverpool 2-1 at Old Trafford. Wayne Rooney scored his 33rd goal of the season, and could have had 34 had he not blown a PK. The loss puts Liverpool in 6th place, 4 points behind Tottenham, who won a tough 2-1 match at Stoke last weekend, for the last Champions League spot. Arsenal continues to stalk the leaders, they are 2 points back and beat West Ham 2-0 on Saturday.

- I dunno should we make a big deal out of La Liga anymore? One team in the Champions League final 8? Real Madrid needs to win this thing to avoid this season being a failure. They conceded the first goal against Sporting Gijon this weekend, but came off the mat to win 3-1 and remain tied for first with Barca. Lionel Messi scored his 3rd, 4th, and 5th goals of the week in the co-leaders 4-2 win at Zaragoza. Mallorca climbed into 4th place in the fight for a CL spot with a 4-1 thumping of Atletico Madrid.

- In Serie A, Mourinho's club may have gotten a huge win in CL play this week, but they're struggling to put away the Scudetto for another year. They managed a 1-1 draw at 4th place Palermo. AC Milan missed a chance to move into first place though, as they too could only get 1 point this weekend, 1-1 at home against Napoli. They trail Inter by 1 point. AS Roma put themselves back into the mix, pulling within 4 points of Inter with a 4-2 win over Udinese that featured a hat trick by Mirko Vucinic.

- Bayern Munich kept the Bundesliga close, losing in league play for the first time since September, 2-1 at Eintracht Frankfurt. They remain on top only because second place Schalke dropped 2 points in a 2-2 draw at Hamburg. Ruud van Nistelrooy scored for Hamburg. He's still playing?

- Ligue 1 should be treated as a big boy league given their showing in the Champions League. Quarterfinalists Bordeaux remained tied for the lead with a 3-1 win over 5th place Lille. Montpellier, who was promoted this season, won't go away though. They are tied for the lead and remain so after a 2-1 win over Valenciennes. Auxerre is in 3rd, just one point back, and Marseille is 3 points out of first in 4th place.

- No strike for MLS. The players caved and won't get free agency, but the season will start on time when Seattle takes on the new Philadelphia Union on Thursday.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Mourinho Proves Hubris Pays Off

- What can you say about someone who says things like "Mourinho does not lose at Stamford Bridge", speaking about himself in the third person, and not only that but saying in essence that he will come in to Stamford Bridge and knock one of the most successful clubs of the last decade out of the Champions League? Knowing that if he doesn't do it that the club he is coaching is probably going to fire him because they hired him to win the Champions League? Then he backs it up?

What I say is that he's got balls bigger than King Kong.

Mourinho's Inter Milan went to his old house with a 2-1 lead, and finished the job by clearly showing they were the better team, beating Chelsea 1-0 and advancing to the final 8 of the Champions League. Samuel Eto'o knocked in the goal that iced it on a breakaway in the 78th minute. Didier Drogba then erased any doubt that it was over by getting a red card, and Mourinho leaves the conquering hero.

Some choice quotes from The Special One after he got done cuckolding Carlo Ancelotti like he were Wayne Bridge:

"I'm not happy because my ex-players or Roman (Abramovich) lost, or that Chelsea supporters go home sad. I'm not happy about their unhappiness.''

"My people will always be my people. But today I was the enemy. And the enemy won. That's life. It's a very important victory for me as a coach, but not the victory of my life. That will be in the future.''

- Yesterday's other round of 16 match gave us a surprise. People have been talking up Sevilla as a possible sleeper to win the tournament. By people I mean I've heard it on Fox Football Fone In for a couple of weeks now. Way to be wrong. CSKA Moscow got a game winning free kick from Keisuke Honda in the 55th minute, and they advance to the final 8 for the first time in their history with a 2-1 away victory in the second leg.

- In today's Champions League matchups, Barcelona hosts Stuttgart after drawing 1-1 in the first leg. If Barca doesn't advance, La Liga will have a big fat 0 representatives in the Final 8, because Sevilla and Real Madrid are already eliminated.

- While La Liga could have 0 teams in the final 8, France's Ligue 1 could have 2 if Bordeaux can finish off Olympiakos today. The French league co-leaders lead the series 1-0 with their win in Greece in the first leg.

- An interesting breakdown of geography in the final 8 versus how it's been the last couple of years.

England 4 (Arsenal, Liverpool, Man U, Chelsea)
Germany 1 (Schalke)
Turkey 1 (Fenerbahce)
Spain 1 (Barcelona)
Itay 1 (AS Roma)

England 4 (Arsenal, Liverpool, Man U, Chelsea)
Spain 3 (Real Madrid, Barcelona, Villarreal)
Portugal 1 (Porto)

So the last 2 years, you had 4 English teams both times, and last year it was pretty much all England and Spain. Now look at the cosmopolitan array we've got this year (I'm projecting out 2 winners).

France 2 (Bordeaux, Lyon)
England 2 (Man U, Arsenal)
Italy 1 (Inter)
Germany 1 (Bayern)
Russia 1 (CSKA)
Spain 1 (Barcelona)

So France has as many teams in the final 8 as England, and more than Italy and Spain. That's a little coo coo. Things get really nuts if Stuttgart can manage to upset Barca today. It's been the most wide open Champions League in recent memory, especially when you consider in the entire last decade we've had only 2 finalists from outside the England/Spain/Italy axis, and both of those were in 2004 when Mourinho's Porto team beat AS Monaco in the final.

- As a Fantasy owner of Larry Fitzgerald, should I be concerned that the Cardinals have signed Derek Anderson to "compete" with Matt Leinfart to be their starting "quarterback"?? Hey Kurt, can you please do a Brett Favre and come back? Please? For Jesus???

Monday, March 15, 2010

Maybe Beckham Should Have Stayed in MLS

- So if you follow soccer at all you now by now that David Beckham tore his achilles in a Serie A match for AC Milan this past weekend, so his prospects for playing for England in the World Cup this summer are pretty much gone. Betcha he wishes he just hung out on the beach in LA this winter now huh? Note to Landon Donovan..come home and go on strike with the rest of MLS, then be fresh as a daisy for South Africa in June.

- It was pretty much an all around crappy week for Beckham. Earlier in the week, before suffering his season ending injury, he made his return to Old Trafford, where he starred for Manchester United as a young pony tailed dreamboat back in the late 90s. United welcomed him back by pounding him and AC Milan out of the Champions League, handing them a 4-0 drubbing that saw a pair of goals from Wayne Rooney. Man U advances to the final 8 of the Champions League.

- Real Madrid kept up their annual tradition of embarrassing themselves in the Champions League round of 16. The club that dropped all kinds of crazy money on Cristiano Ronaldo didn't get any farther in the Champions League than they have the last 2 seasons despite getting an early goal from Ronaldo. The furious Frenchmen of Lyon tied it in the 75th minute, and held on to get a 1-1 draw at the Bernabeu and advance 2-1 on the aggregate. Lyon advances to the final 8 and hopes to return to Madrid for the final.

- Since signing Ronaldo didn't work, Real is now said to be "obsessed" with getting Wayne Rooney in their whites next year. You are an obssession. You are an obsession. What do you want me to pay, to get knocked out in the round of 16 with me. Dunnn..dunnn dunnn dunnn dunnn.

- Porto went to the Emirates with a 2-1 lead in their matchup with Arsenal, but that proved to be a mirage as Arsenal went nuclear on them in the second leg in a 5-0 blowout. Nicklas Bendtner had a hat trick.

- Neither of these teams in my esimation have a prayer of winning this thing, but Fiorentina and Bayern Munich played one of the more entertaining matches I've seen in a while in windy Florence. Fiorentina won 3-2 in a seesaw match, but Arjen Robben scored the matches final goal in the 65th minute which allowed Bayern to advance by virtue of having more away goals in a series that ended in a 4-4 aggregate.

- Rounding out the week in European tournament play, the Zooropa League had the first legs of its round of 16, the 2 notable results I saw were Juventus topping Fulham 3-1, and Lille providing the latest episode in Liverpool's 2010 Carnival of Terror by beating them 1-0.

- The action packed week ended with good old house league play.

- In the EPL, Man U remains on top of a tense 3 team race. They beat Fulham 3-0, getting another pair of goals from Rooney, who had 4 this week and now has 32 this season in all competitions. Chelsea trails by 2 points, keeping pace with a 4-1 win over West Ham featuring 2 goals from Didier Drogba. Arsenal is tied with Chelsea, although they looked a little shaky in a 2-1 win at lowly Hull City who was playing with only 10 men by the end. Bendtner provided more heroics, getting the winning goal in stoppage time. Tottenham opened up a 2 point lead over Man City for 4th place and a spot in the Champions League by beating Blackburn 3-1 with 2 goals from the red hot Roman Pavluychenko, while City could manage only a 1-1 tie at Sunderland.

- In Serie A, Beckham's aforementioned injury came in Milan's 1-0 win over Chievo, which pulled them within 1 point of faltering leaders Inter, who were embarrassed 3-1 at strugglers Catania on Friday. AS Roma still has an outside chance at making it a 3 team race, but those chances decreased when the could manage only a 3-3 tie at bottom feeders Livorno. Palermo is holding on to 4th place and a Champions League spot by a single point despite losing 3-2 to Udinese, Juventus missed a chance to pass them when they blew a 3-0 lead against Siena and had to settle for a 3-3 tie.

- La Liga remains a dead heat between Barca and Real Madrid, with both teams flexing their domestic muscles over the weekend. Barca dismissed 3rd place Valencia 3-0, featuring a hat trick from Lionel Messi. Gonzalo Higuain matched that hat trick for Real in their 4-1 win over Valladolid. Sevilla, Mallorca, and Deportivo Coruna are scrumming for the last Champions League spot, but could manage only 2 points between them this weekend.

- Finally, the Bundesliga has Bayern and Schalke tied for 1st, with both winning this weekend.

That's a lot of futbol in a neat little package!

- Week 2 of NFL Silly Season had some notable comings and goings...most notably, probably future HOFer LaDanian Tomlinson will be dressing up in the Oompa Loompa uniforms next year, backing up Shonn Greene for the Jets. The Jets swap out one old running back, Thomas Jones, for another who has considerably less left in the tank. I struggle to understand.

- The mediocre quarterback carousel of doom turned on its hideous axis for most of the week. Follow me here. Jim Sorgi, who I thought was going to be Colts backup QB for life, signed with the Giants to backup the other Manning. This was necessitated by former #1 overall pick David Carr leaving the Giants to be the 49ers backup, who sent their old backup Shaun Hill to Detroit to backup Matthew Stafford, who I presume will need backing up because he's one of those new style quarterbacks who doesn't know how to fall down without separating his shoulder. Just another reason I always get him and Sam Bradford confused. Jake Delhomme signed with the Browns, who traded Brady Quinn to the Broncos, who released Chris Simms. So the Browns have a scintillating quarterback competition between Jake Delhomme and Seneca Wallace, because they also released Derek Anderson, who made sure to insult the fans on his way out the door for not sufficiently appreciating his 42.1 passer rating he put up last year.

- Other moves...

- Denver signed former Patriot space filler Jarvis Green to occupy blockers in their 3-4. They also signed 2 time first team All Pro Jamal Williams to perform a similar function as the nose tackle.

- Thomas Jones signed with the Chiefs, which really doesn't make much sense being the Chiefs have only one player who is any good at anything, and that happens to be their other running back, Jamaal Charles.

- Maake Kemoeatu is a big fat Samoan nose tackle who missed all year with a torn achilles, so of course Dan Snyder couldn't help but throw 7 million dollars at him.

- The Bengals have ended their audition for dramatic wide receivers with vaginas, picking Antonio Bryant over Terrell Owens. Let's hope Antonio doesn't fall out of a truck this year.

- Former Patriots TE Ben Watson signed with Cleveland, as he really wants to be a part of that exciting Jake Delhomme/Seneca Wallace led offense they got going there.

- Larry Johnson signed with the Redskins. Him and Clinton Portis splitting carries would punch Dan Snyder's ticket to the Super Bowl if this were 6 years ago.

- And finally here's a story that's making its way around the interwebs regarding 2 time Super Bowl winning QB and noted Lothario Ben Roethlisberger..I cut n pasted this from

Ben went golfing with Arnold Palmer at the Laurel Valley club in Latrobe, PA. Ben, supposedly, was a general jerk during his round with Palmer. So then Ben later wanted to play at Laurel Valley, and he dropped Palmer's name in the hopes of getting in. Palmer eventually made a phone call to help get Ben in/on the course without Palmer there. While on the course, Ben supposedly was rude to some kids. The kids ended up being Palmer's grandchildren.The kids called Palmer, who then drove to the club and went berserk on Ben.


Tuesday, March 9, 2010

How to become a rapist profiler

Do you sometimes look at someone and think, “Yeah, that motherfucker sexually assaults woman most definitely”? You have some experts in facial reading like Dr. Lightman saying you can’t, only emotions. That is incorrect. When you know the common facial tics of a rapist, then you can easily spot them out. When you look at these pictures of sexual assaulters, you can obviously tell they are all guilty of rape.

As you can see from this smile, this guy obviously did some shit. Just from the proportion between his poon-like, peach fuzz goatee and his teeth, you can see that this is not a normal smile. You probably already would have intuitive signals that there was something wrong with this asshole; well, now you know you're right.

I know, the visual is shocking. In the profiler community, we call this guy a "fucking douchebag." You can see from his retarded beard that he rapes so much that he doesn't bother to shave, instead opting for a caveman look, and we all know cavemen are rapists. That's what they all did back then. The hands are, of course, rapist hands good for forcing men or women to do things they don't want or holding footballs strangely enough.

This guy already raped the girl he's holding; she just doesn't know it yet. The eyes tell the story of someone who is very experienced in what these people call rapology, the science of rape. And when you see lips curled like this one, he may try to sexually assault you, so throw a dog in his path and he may turn attention to it instead.

Now you are a pro rapist profiler. Protect yourself because now you've discovered that you never know who could be a rapist...until you read this article.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Bears Set Stage For Hilarious Collapse

- NFL Free Agency started last week, and while the gathering shadow of the impending 2011 NFL Doomsday put some shackles on would be big spenders, that didn't stop the Chicago Bears from going completely coo coo bananas in a Dan Snyder-esque attempt to prove their managerial competence. They landed the big prize of this offseason, former Panthers DE Julius Peppers. Peppers is a 5 time Pro Bowler, 2 time first team All Pro, and has 24 1/2 sacks in the last 2 seasons. That's the good news. The bad news is that he has a reputation for taking plays off, backed up by Brentson Buckner, who used to play with him, and seems like a perfect candidate to take even more plays off now that he has his big money contract.

You just can't buy or trade your way to success in the NFL. It's never been done. God knows the Cowboys and Redskins have tried. The Bears tried it last year with Jay Cutler and failed miserably, and now have doubled down on their own idiocy by throwing a bunch of money at Peppers. Peppers is a better player than Cutler. I know you can't really compare a defensive end with a quarterback, but Peppers is better. Does he make the Bears a Super Bowl contender in a division where they still have to face Packers and Vikings team that are much better than them twice each. Hell to the no! We may as well just dress the Bears up in blue pinstripes next year because when it comes to trying too hard desperation they are putting even the Cubs to shame.

- The Bears weren't about to settle for just Peppers in their quest for relevance. They also signed former Vikings RB Chester Taylor. Taylor is 31 but is seen as "low mileage". The trouble with that is, yes he's "low mileage", but it's not a Thomas Jones low mileage where he has also shown he can carry the load as a feature back. Chester Taylor has never really shown that. He'll probably split carries with Matt Forte. It might be a slight upgrade over whoever was the Bears backup RB last year, but really, it just doesn't move the needle all that much.

- Remember when "Ben" Roethlisberger had that whole romantic misunderstanding in that hotel where he had a broken TV last year? Well, Mr. Pump Fake is at it again. A 20 year old Georgia college student has claimed "Ben" sexually assaulted her in da club . "Ben" has hired Ray Lewis' old double murder attorney to clean up this mess. I'll say this, if this really happened, Plaxico Burress is sitting in jail right now for shooting himself in the leg. If Plax is in jail for that, Ben deserves to do some time for this too. If he doesn't, that's some serious double standard going on. A racial double standard.

- Let's run thru some of the other comings and goings.

- Anquan Boldin finally got his wish and has been traded from Arizona. The perenially unhappy wide receiver brings his long face to Baltimore, who gave him a nice fat extension. The Ravens got him for a third and 4th round draft pick. By way of comparison, the Bears traded their second round this pick for Gaines Adams, who was horrible and then died. Some teams play Candy Land, others play Chess.

- The Lions signed WR Nate Burleson and his giant feet to play opposite Calvin Johnson. They are giving him $11M guaranteed. Burleson had a 1000 yard season. Six years ago. Great signing, Lions, way to be the Lions. I was wondering when you were going to start throwing all kinds of money at mediocre WR's again. Have you fired Matt Millen yet?

- Just to show they are totally cereal, the Lions also gave former Titans DE Kyle Vanden Bosch a bunch of money to come play for the Washington Generals of football. KVB played for the Titans when Lions headmaster Jim Schwartz was their DC. He was good then. Last season, not so good. He had 3 sacks in 16 games. In 2008 he played in only 10 games and had 4 1/2 sacks.

- Dunta Robinson has been kind of an underachiever since being the 10th overall pick in the 2004 draft. He's been OK though, probably has the talent to be better. If it happens, it will happen with the Atlanta Falcons, who signed him to shore up a pass defense that was 25th in Y/A against last year.

- The Browns re-signed excitement maker Josh Cribbs, giving him $7M guaranteed. In a related story, last night I dreamt I was backup QB for the Browns. True story.

- Denver signed former Ravens lineman Justin Bannan to be their nose tackle. Profootballtalk says he's a good value. I guess I'll buy that.

- Antrel Rolle was the 8th pick in the 05 Draft, and now he's going to get a big payday from the NY Giants. Big Blue gave him $15M guaranteed and an additional $22.5M in the first 3 years (not guaranteed).

- Arizona lost another member of its defense when Miami signed LB Karlos Dansby. He's a very good all around linebacker who the Cardinals will miss, and he'll help the Dolphins.

- Jacksonville landed former Packers pass rusher Aaron Kampman. Kampman was one of the best in the league at what he does in 2006-2007. But he didn't do alot before then, and hasn't done alot since then. Plus he hurt his knee last year. His best days probably are behind him.

- The Saints lost one of the mainstays of their defense, LB Scott Fujita, who has started for them since 2006. Fujita's always been solid but unspectacular. He should be a useful piece in helping the Browns regain some self respect.

- Antonio Cromartie has freakish talent, but his performance hasn't always matched that talent. It will be up to Rex Ryan to realize that potential now, as the Chargers have traded the corner to the Jets. That's potentially a really, really scary defense. Revis at one corner and Cromartie at the other. I don't know how you throw against that.

- Steve Spagnuolo will have one of his guys from the Giants SB team on the Rams next year. Run stuffing tackle Fred Robbins signed with St. Louis.

- Still have your old Antwaan Randle El Steelers jersey? You're on luck, he's a Steeler again!

Ohhhhkay. That's alot of football stuff, on to a quick futbol update.

- What looked like a two team race in the EPL is now very much a three team race, with the third team, Arsenal, being the hottest of all. The Gunners easily took care of Burnley on Saturday, 3-1. An onion in the ointment though, is an injury to Cesc Fabregas. His injured hamstring is going to prevent him from playing this weeks second leg of their Champs League matchup with Porto, who they trail 1-0.

- Arsenal now trails the league leaders, Man U, by two points, and is tied with Chelsea for second. United held serve with a 1-0 win over Wolves thanks to Paul Scholes 100th Premier League goal.

- The race for La Liga's title is also tight as can be. Real Madrid has caught Barcelona, and the two archrivals are tied for first place following Real's thrilling 3-2 win over Sevilla. Real fought back from a 2-0 deficit with goals from Cristiano Ronaldo and Sergio Ramos, and a game winner late from Rafael Van der Vaart. Barca, meanwhile got just 1 point out of a match at 13th place Almeria. Ibrahimovic got a red card, but Lionel Messi got 2 goals to salvage a 2-2 tie in an ugly match.

- Lots of ties and no goals at the top of Serie A this weekend. League leaders Inter remain 3 points up over AC Milan. Inter had a scoreless draw at home against Genoa, while Milan and third place AS Roma stalemated 0-0.

- Sunday saw a couple of FA Cup Quarterfinal matchups. Reading looked set to claim a 3rd Champions League victim when they went up 2-0 on Aston Villa with 2 goals from Shane Long. John Carew answered with a hat trick though, and Villa advances to the semis with a 4-2 win. They'll be joined by Chelsea, who is scuffling in the Premier League but is still alive in the FA Cup after a 2-0 win against Stoke. John Terry scored. Not sexually this time.

- Liverpool's fugly season took another turn for the worse today when they lost 1-0 at Wigan. They're still playing for 4th place and a Champions League spot, but they finish February with just 1 Premier League win during the month. They are still alive in the round of 16 in the Europa League.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

International Friendlies Stoke World Cup Fever Epidemic

The first cases of World Cup Fever were reported Wednesday, possibly caused by the rash of tune up friendlies being played.

Here's how they went down, with teams that are among the field of 32 in bold.

Brazil beat Ireland 2-0. Robinho made his return to England and scored a goal and set up another.

Australia beat Indonesia 1-0 in an Asian Cup Qualifier.

Japan shut out Bahrain 2-0, upsetting Jermaine Jackson very much.

South Korea beat Drogba and Ivory Coast 2-0, Ivory Coast is still looking for new coach.

Serbia pounded Algeria 3-0. This is important because it now looks for sure like there is at least one team in the US' group who they are better than.

Italy tinkered around with their lineups and formations and turned in an unimpressive 0-0 draw v. Cameroon.

Ghana suffered a disappointing 2-1 loss to Serbia Montenegro.

Nigeria bongo'ed Congo 5-2.

Honduras exposed how silly it is that certain regions have to have a certain number of teams make the tournament, getting beat by Turkey, who is in UEFA and not going to the tournament, 2-0.

Mexico beat New Zealand 2-0 with a goal from PDM leader Javier Hernandez.

Carlos Bocanegra scored for the United States, but Netherlands got a 2-1 win in Amsterdam.

Argentina got a goal from Real's Gonzalo Higuain for an impressive win in Munich, 1-0 over Germany.

Atletico Madrid's Diego Forlan scored in Uruguay's 3-1 win over Switzerland.

Denmark had a discouraging 2-1 loss at home to a subpar Austrian team.

England got 2 goals from Peter Crouch and another from Shaun-Wright Phillips as they cruised over African champs (althought they failed to qualify for the World Cup) Egypt 3-1 at Wembley. Of course the most important thing here is how the crowd reacted to John Terry. Pardon me while I find the proper emoticon to accurately reflect the mixed reaction.

In the marquee matchup of the night, defending Euro 2008 champs Spain convincingly won 2-0 over France in Paris. Goals for David Villa and Sergio Ramos. Maybe if the referees let France shoot with their hands next time.

Greece is heavily indebted to anyone who paid to watch them bungle to a listless 2-0 loss in Athens against Senegal.

Portugal looked a little sloppy in a 2-0 win over China. Portugal chose this interesting matchup because they open play in June against North Korea, who apparently play a similar totalitarian government-inspired style of play as China.

Slovakia lost 1-0 to a Norway side that is going to be home for the summer, while Slovenia, who will be in the same group as England and the US, looked impressive in a 4-1 win over Qatar.

Meanwhile, in the NFL, the chess pieces are beginning to be put into motion ahead of the start of free agency today.

- The collective bargaining situation has spawned this weird phemononom where we have a heapin helpin of restricted free agents, who can be "tendered" by their existing team, and depending on how much they are "tendered", if another team signs them, that means that they must send a corresponding draft pick back in return. Since most of these draft picks are first, second, or third round, you can pretty much assume that none of these restricted free agents are going anywhere.

The Cardinals have released the corner/safety, who was the 8th overall pick in the 2005 draft. Rolle's best season was 2007 when he had 5 picks and took 3 of them back for TDs. The Bears are interested.

Was the Bengals #2 wideout last year, grabbed 43 passes for 514 yards and 5 TDs. He'll be looking for a new team, the Bengals released him.

All the liberal mainstream media outlets told me that the Chargers were going to let him walk, but they tenderized him yesterday meaning he will be succulent and juicy and still in San Diego in 2010.

The longtime Eagle corner had 1 injury shortened season with the Jets, and there won't be a second, he was released.

The Jets released him last week, but don't go mothballing his jersey just yet. The word is the Jets are interested in bringing him back at a lower salary.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Futbol Weekend Review

If you can't get excited about the NIT of soccer, the Europa League, I just don't know what to tell you. It's kind of like NFL Europa used to be, only better. This tournament had its round of 32 on Thursday, and here's some of the notable results:

- AS Roma went down 3-2 again to Panathinaikos, this time at home, and Djibril Cisse's team will be advancing to the round of 16. The French forward scored his second and third goals of this matchup.

- Juventus and Ajax dribbled to a 0-0 draw in Torino, giving Juve the 2-1 win on the aggregate.

- Everton has been riding a wave of cubby magic in the Premier League lately, knocking off both Man U and Chelsea recently. Apparently they had nothing left for European play, as they went to Lisbon with a 2-1 lead over Sporting, and took a 3-0 whooping to knock them out of the tournament.

- Valencia was upset by Belgian club Brugge in the first leg of their matchup, but in Leg 2 came away with a 3-0 win, with 2 goals coming in extra time from Pablo Hernandez.

- Liverpool's other club, Liverpool, is the only Premier League team left in this consolation tournament. Things got a little unsettling when they fell behind early in the second leg of their match with Unirea Urzecini, which evened up the aggregate, but Liverpool stormed back with 3 goals to drive a stake thru the heart of the Romanians.

- What would happen if Tiger Woods golfed against the ex-boyfriend of that Perkins waitress he was boinking? It might have looked something like Saturday's heavily anticipated Man City v. Chelsea matchup, featuring the cuckolded Wayne Bridge against mohawked cuckolder John Terry. Wayne Bridge and his inadequate penis got their revenge, as City ambushed Chelsea 4-2 at Stamford Bridge. 2 goals apiece for Carlos Tevez and Craig Bellamy, while Frank Lampard had 2 for a losing Chelsea team that was down to 9 players by the end of the match. 2 losses and an injury to their goalkeeper adds up to a pretty bad week for Chelsea.

- And if that weren't bad enough, here comes Arsenal out of nowhere to make it a 3 team race again. The Gunners continued to close ground on Saturday, closing to within 3 points of the lead with a 3-1 win at a game Stoke City club, who was 1-1 with Arsenal in the 90th minute before giving up a pair of late goals.

- In La Liga, Barca and Real Madrid both held serve. Barca got a late goal from Lionel Messi to get a hard fought 2-1 win at home against Malaga, while Real put on a show at Tenerife, winning 5-1 with 2 goals from Gonzalo Higuain, and goals from Kaka, Cristiano Ronaldo, and Raul. Barca stays 2 points ahead of Real.

- The Bundesliga has acquitted itself pretty well in the Champions League, and Bayer Leverkusen has led it most of the year. They remain unbeaten following a 0-0 draw with Cologne, but Bayern Munich has now overtaken them for the lead.

- Ligue 1 remains a tight race. Montpellier moved into a tie with Bordeaux with a 3-1 win over Rennes. Perennial champs Lyon are charging hard though, they trail by 2 points after a 2-0 win against visiting Nice.

- If the Europa League is the NIT of soccer, surely the Carling Cup is on a par with the CBI. Michael Owen and Wayne Rooney had the goals as Man U retained with a 2-1 win in the final over Aston Villa at Wembley Stadium.

- 2 of the teams in the race for 4th in the Premier League won to keep pace with Man City on Sunday. The red hot Roman Pavluchenko (six goals in 4 games) tallied again as Spurs held off Everton 2-1, thanks in part to Landon Donovan missing an open net for the Toffees. Liverpool remains one point back of Spurs and Man City following a 2-1 win over Blackburn, with Fernando Torres getting the winning goal.

- The Old Firm tangled on Sunday, with Rangers coming away with a 1-0 win that pretty much salts away the Scottish league for them. Celtic captain Scott Brown was sent off in minute 50 for a Zidane-esqe headbutt, and Maurice Edu had the winning goal late in the match. Celtic fans interrupted a moment of silence for former Rangers keeper Gary Neef who passed away this week. Classy!

- Valencia's hold on 3rd place and an automatic spot in the group stage of the Champions League got a little more tenuous after they took a 4-1 pounding at Atletico Madrid. 4th place Sevilla missed a chance to make up ground though, when they could manage only a 0-0 tie against Atletico Bilbao. They trail Valencia by 3 points.

- Inter was bound for a letdown after their huge Champions League win over Chelsea last week, and indeed they struggled on Sunday, but still managed to come away with a 3-2 win at Udinese. Alberto Diego Milito had his 15th goal of the season for Inter. AC Milan is in second, 4 points back. They beat Atalanta 3-1 behind 2 goals from Pato, who left the match with an injury after his goals. 3rd place AS Roma failed to keep pace, Napoli's Marek Hamsik drilled home a tying penalty kick at the end of the match. Palermo vaulted into 4th place with a huge 2-0 win at Juventus. It was Juve's first loss under new coach Alberto Zaccheroni, but the loss drops them out of the 4th and final Champions League spot in Serie A.

- As mentioned earlier, Bayern Munich took over the Bundesliga lead this weekend. They beat Hamburg 1-0 on Sunday with a goal from Frank Ribery.

- Checking in with Los PDM, Chivas is ruling the league with a perfect 8-0-0 record. They've been led by 21 year old Javier Hernandez Balcazar, who has 8 goals. Monterrey and Santos are the other division leaders, while Morelia is also off to a good start at 5-2-1.