Wednesday, March 26, 2008

How to go to the bathroom like Patrick N

Episode 4 of 6, men use bathrooms like women now. Here is how to take back the men's bathroom from the metros.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

First England Capt from Capello's Rotation is...

There was big speculation as to which player England manager Fabio Capello was going to give the captain's armband to. Here were the candidates:

John Terry: Chelsea's captain and was captain of England before Capello came along. He has the personality to lead England, but he has discipline problems. Chelsea is often in trouble with the refs and Terry not only has problems diminishing that, he is a big cause of it.

Steven Gerrard: Liverpool's captain and Capello's interim England captain. He can lead a team but at the expense of his own form.

David Beckham: Los Angeles Galaxy's captain and a former England captain. With his next cap being 100, it is (fake) tradition to make players with their 100 cap captain for that match.

So with all those choices, in true Capello fashion, he chooses Manchester United captain Rio Ferdinand. What's even funnier is that Capello says he's going to have a rotating captain system until the World Cup which pretty much means fuck you to everyone. We all know why he's using a rotating captain system: When the media and fans say a certain person should be captain, he'll pick the opposite. That is awesome. Just like I said, Capello does what he wants. Sometimes he does the opposite of what everyone wants just to show he's the man.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Liverpool, Mexico, and Capello

England boss Fabio Capello finally included David Beckham to the England squad because he sees him as fit. Capello critics claim he was either pressured to put Becks on or there was some sentimental aim that Capello is going for. These critics obviously have not followed Capello's career. For example, at Real Madrid, he benched soon to be legend Ronaldo because he was fat (which he was right), made Robinho a sub because Robinho didn't know how to be a team player with his 100 step overs (which he was right and if you notice this year, Robinho is a complete player now because of Capello), and booted off Beckham right after Becks signed with the Galaxy. Capello isn't an idiot either. Capello allowed Beckham when Capello wanted to, not when the fans or ownership wanted to. Capello let Beckham back on the England national team for the only reason that Capello wants to.

Mexico was in Olympic qualifiers against this group: Haiti (noobs), Canada (best player plays in MLS), and Guatemala (noobs). Mexico had a bunch of awesome overseas players and expensive ass FMF players. Well, long story short, Mexico tied and lost their two games and Canada beat Guatemala 5-0 because Guatemala left out their scrubs, which if you think about it means the terrible players out of the bad players. So it came down to Mexico needing to get a 5-0 against Haiti to even get a coin flip. 5-0 may sound like a lot in soccer, but Mexico is to the USA Dream Team as Haiti is to retarded, blind, blondes. Well, here's what happened:

That's right. The devil made them miss 10000000000000000 shots. This clip does not show how many open ass shots they missed. #19, who will remained unnamed because he's the bitch who missed 90% of the sitters, will probably need to uninstall his life before all of Mexico does it for him. So, yeah, Canada and Guatemala are in the Olympics and Mexico is not.

Liverpool and Manchester United played and Liverpool got fucked. The backstory is that Chelsea's Ashley Cole would not turn to face the ref to receive his card, so the refs cried that refs need to be respected. Liverpool's Mascherano, who already had a yellow card, had been badgering the ref for a while, and rightfully so because Manchester United was getting all the calls. Liverpool's Fernando Torres gets a yellow card for nothing, and Mascherano runs over to complain (which was probably a stupid move as is), and before Mascherano could even open his mouth the ref gives a card and sends Mascherano off. Well, 11 on 11 with ref calls is pretty impossible against Man U, but being down a man buttfucked Liverpool. The game was pretty much over at that moment. Wayne Rooney and Fergie tried to lie saying that the send off didn't matter, but they're bitches.

Look, I know refs don't deserve to get treated less than human, but you would think someone as experienced as the ref Barnett is would verbally tell Mascherano, "Look man, I know you're mad, but you need to be quiet. if you say one more thing, anything, I'm sending you off. Don't make me send you off in a game this important." A game of this importance, Barnett should have known sending Mascherano off would pretty much end the game. Terrible ref.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

How to get girls like Patrick N

Problems getting chicks? Learn from the master. Here's how to get girls like Patrick N.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Under 23 Cuban team start with 10 men

In the movie Sicko, it argues that America should have universal health care because, fuck, Cuba has it. Well apparently Cuban health care isn't that good there because seven Cuban players defected.

After the 1-1 draw against the USA team, five Cubans decided to party and never come back.

Then in the match against Honduras, two more decided they were healthy enough to risk not having universal health care and ditched. Since they had one player on suspension from a red card, Cuba played with 10 players and no subs. Straight up gangster.

USA hates Mexicans, but for Cubans, there is a "wet soil, dry soil" rule where if a Cuban defects and lives on USA soil for a year, they automatically become citizens.

'This was a very irresponsible act of cowardice by these five players,' Antonio Garces, a Cuban Football Association official, told Reuters in Havana. 'They have betrayed their homeland,' the official said.

Yeah, either that or they realized that having our awesome food and being unhealthy is better than eating dirt but be in good health.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

How to go to the movies like Patrick N

In episode 2, you get to hear my encounter with a terrible movie theater and learn how to go to the movies.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Champs Go Down, Brittania Rules

We're down to 9 teams in the UEFA Champions league, (with the ninth team, Inter Milan, hanging by a thread, trailing 0-2 heading into their second leg against Liverpool) and what we know so far is that we're going to have a new champion, and there's a 50/50 chance that champion is going to come from England.

Three of the so called Big 4 of English Football have already clinched spots in the final 8.

Most notable is Arsenal. The Gunners drew 0-0 at home in the first leg of their matchup with defending European champion AC Milan. In yesterday's second leg in Milan, a goal in the 84th minute from Cesc Fabregas broke a scoreless tie, and Emmanuel Adebayor put the game away minutes later, as Arsenal won 2-0 to advance to the quarterfinals. A crappy night for Kaka and AC Milan.

Also in the final 8 are Arsenal's fellow Londoners, Chelsea. The Greek side Olympiacos fought to a draw at home in the first leg, but they were no match for Chelsea in the second leg at Stamford Bridge. Michael Ballack scored on a header in the 5th minute, and Frank Lampard follwed 20 minutes later on a rebound to make it 2-0. Kalou added one for good measure early in the second half, and Chelsea cruised to an easy 3-0 victory to advance to the quarterfinals.

Manchester United had a more difficult time with French powerhouse Lyon, but advanced nonetheless. Carlos Tevez's goal in the 87th minute of the first leg at Lyon proved to be the most crucial of the series. It provided the Red Devils with a 1-1 aggregate heading into the second leg at Old Trafford, as Cristiano Ronaldo provided an insurance goal to seal it for United.

Finally, Liverpool got a pair of goals in the final 5 minutes of its first leg against Inter Milan, who played most of the game with only 10 men after Marco Materazzi (the same guy Zinedine Zidane famously head butted in the World Cup) got sent off in the 30th minute. The 2-0 win in the first leg sets Liverpool up for what could be a huge upset win over a team that's spent the whole season being perceived as one of the world's top 3 squads. Liverpool, meanwhile has had a subpar season, but if they can hold on in the second leg, they'll have at least one major achievement to speak of from 2007-2008.

So, given that it looks like there are going to be 4 English teams amongst the 8 Champions League semifinalists, the question has to be asked as to whether the rest of Europe's leagues even matter.

Specifically, it was a horrible round for Spain's La Liga. Real Madrid embarrassed La Liga by getting drummed out of the final 16 by Italy's AS Roma on a 4-2 aggregate, while mighty Barcelona got all it could handle from the rinky dink Scottish league's Celtic before advancing. Sevilla, the third team from La Liga in the final 16, got bounced by Fenerbahce, from Turkey.

Germany's Bundesliga has one team, Schalke, in the final 8, but that's largely because the luck of the draw gave them a matchup with Porto from the weak Portugese league.

The English Premiership may not have quite the star power that La Liga has. As of right now though, it's clearly the best league in the world by far. And save for a few spectacular players in Italy and Spain, England's is the only European league worth watching.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

How to give gifts like Patrick N

If you were wondering why I haven't done a lot of updates, it's because I've been working on this series for 3 weeks straight. This is episode 1 of season 1 in how to be a man like Patrick N. All the episodes (1-6) are already made with one being released each week. Hope you enjoy watching these as much as I enjoyed making them. In this episode, if you've ever had trouble giving gifts, watch this video.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Moss Stays, Favre Goes

Within hours of one another, the two biggest announcements of the NFL offseason have been made.

Brett Favre is retiring. After something like 16 seasons in the league, he is hanging them up.

Coincidentally, the Patriots have announced that they have signed Randy Moss to a 3 year contract, with $15 million in guaranteed money.

My theory is that Favre told the Packers that if they got Moss, he'd come back for one more season. If not, he was done. As soon as the Pats announced Moss was staying in Foxboro, that was it for Favre. Again, my source for this is my own ass, but most of the time my ass proves to be right.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Free Agent Foofrarah

I shit all over DirectTV and their Searching For Satellite Signal 771. So much for my Sunday. I wish Dec. 21, 2012 would just hurry up and get here already so I can end this grotesque charade.

Now that I've got that off my chest, let's see how Day 2 of NFL Free Agency has unfolded...

- The Falcons landed a much-coveted free agent prize, signing former Charger Michael Turner to a 6 year deal. Turner has been LaDanian Tomlinson's backup his whole career, but will be the starter in Atlanta. Until he gets hurt.

- A day after trading for LB Jonathan Vilma, the Saints continue to overhaul their defense. They signed Jacksonville DE Bobby McCray, who had 10 sacks in 2006 before having a bad 07, and Patriots corner Randall Gay, who is best known for having the worst selling jersey in the NFL.

- The Patriots have lost a receiver from their record-setting offense. No, not THAT receiver. Randy Moss is still a free agent. Donte Stallworth isn't though. He's going to be Derek Anderson's #2 wideout in Cleveland. Or will he? Brady Quinn is starting to bitch and moan that he wants to start. Which of course, doesn't seem to be the plan given that the Browns just threw all that money at Anderson yesterday. So what Quinn really seems to be saying is "I want to be traded".

- The Jaguars have been spent more money than I have this weekend, which is a lot. A day after signing Jerry Porter, they sign Chargers corner Drayton Florence. Florence lost his job this year when Antonio Cromartie filled in for him one day and started playing like Teen Wolf. They gain Florence, but lose DT Marcus Stroud, who was traded today to the Bills for the ever popular "Undisclosed draft choice". When he's healthy, Stroud is one of the best defensive tackles in the game, but he hasn't been healthy since 2005.

- It took Philly one day to replace Javon Kearse's broke ass. They signed former Raiders DE Chris Clemons to a five year deal. Clemons had 8 sacks for the Raiders last year. This after signing corner Asante Samuel yesterday.

- The Jets landed one of this free agent classes top prizes by signing Steelers guard Alan Faneca. The 31 year old Faneca is getting $21 mil in guaranteed money, as the Jets hope his addition to a line that already includes 06 first round draft choices D'Brickashaw Ferguson and Nick Mangold will help Thomas Jones score more than the one TD he scored this year.

- Bears receiver Bernard Berrian has bolted the Windy City to join division rival Minnesota. He has to be really stoked about having Tarvaris Jackson launching the ball over his head for the next few years. This also leaves Devin Hester as the Bears' new #1 wideout, so they should be pretty awful next year.

- The Bears did re-sign LB Lance Briggs though. So they should have a so-so defense and a horrible offense. I'm really excited about this.


New Series

Here is the trailer for my super secret project. This for you sports fans who have a hard time being a man...

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Free Agent Foofrarah

The first day of NFL Free Agency 2008 was so hot. Players were changing teams all over the place and teams were trading players for draft picks and the whole thing just left me really horny.

So here's a quick recap:

- The Eagles landed the biggest prize of this free agent class, signing former New England corner Asante Samuel. In a division that forces them to face TO and Plaxico Burress twice apiece, the Eagles need a tippy top corner, and now they have one. Bravo.

- The Big Tuna began imposing his will on the Miami Dolphins. Josh McCown apparently is going to be their starting QB next year, and is going to have former Jaguar Ernest Wilford as his #1 receiver. The Patriots must be shitting their pants right about now.

- The Dolphins are also overhauling the interior of their defensive line by signing tackle Randy Starks, who had 16 tackles and no sacks for the Titans last year, and are reportedly near a trade deal for Dallas DT Jason Ferguson, who is 33 and has spent pretty much his whole career playing for Parcells.

- To replace Wilford, the Jaguars signed former Raider Jerry Porter. Porter is widely renowned as being the only player in NFL history to have a vagina. This follows a trade the Jags made earlier this week for Vikings WR Troy Williamson, who was the 7th pick in the 2005 draft. I'm sure that when the Vikings used that 7th overall pick on him, they were totally hoping they could turn around and trade him for a 6th round pick 3 years later.

- Not a good day for the Bengals already beleaguered defense. A trade for Detroit DT Shaun Rogers that looked like it was done and was reported all over the internet that it was done turned out not to be done. Making matters worse, Rogers instead was traded to the archrival Browns for corner Leigh Bodden. Then, hours later, DE Justin Smith bolted to sign a free agent deal with the 49ers. As a grim finale, safety Madeiu Williams signed with the Vikings. The Bengals have addressed all these losses by signing nobody. This franchise is a mess, and I think Chad Johnson's the next to go.

- Not only did the Browns add Rogers to their defense, they traded a second round pick to Green Bay for DT Corey Williams, who has had 7 sacks in each of his last 2 seasons. They also locked up QB Derek Anderson. They had a damn good day.

- Tampa Bay made a nice pickup in signing former Saints center Jeff Faine. I'm not going to pretend I know anything about judging how good a center is, but he was first round pick in 2003, and has started 66 NFL games, and has played on a pretty good Saints offense the last few years, so I'm guessing he's quality.

- Isaac Bruce's 42 year career with the Rams has reached its end. He will play for the Niners next year, where he'll try and catch passes from Alex Smith. We wish him luck with that.

- The defending champion Giants lost 2 members of their defense. Safety Gibril Wilson signed with Oakland, and linebacker Kawika Mitchell joins the Buffalo Bills.

- The Jets did some wheeling and dealing. They sent a third round pick and a fifth round pick to Carolina for behemoth DT Kris Jenkins, then sent LB Jonathan Vilma to the Saints for an undisclosed draft pick. Vilma had a phenomenal year in 2005, his second in the league, but has fallen off since Mangenius came in and switched to a 3-4 defense. He's only 26 though, and he'll be back in a 4-3 in NOLA. This is a great pickup for the Saints.

- The Niners signed DeShaun Foster to back up Frank Gore. Thus ends the maddening situation in Carolina where you a guy named DeShaun and a guy named DeAngelo who both seemed like DeSame player.

- Randy Moss, still a free agent.