Saturday, September 29, 2007

Greatest Day In the History of Our Sport Week 4

Every NFL game has its own juicy storyline. If it doesn't one will be invented. Here's the juicy storylines for Week 4:

This one's easy. Former Falcons backup QB Matt Schaub returns to face the team that traded him this offseason. Here's a transcript of a conversation at Falcons headquarters recorded earlier this spring:
- Michael Vick is going to be suspended for dogfighting. Good thing we have a solid backup.
- we don't I kind of traded him.

Houston will win.

Joey Harrington's thrown a pair of TD passes to Michael Jenkins, and the Falcons are up 20-10.

317 passing yards for Schaub, but the yards don't translate into points. Atlanta picks up its first win of the season 26-16. 117 receiving yards and a TD for Houston's Andre Davis.

Brett Favre became the league's all time leader in something last week. Something with passing for touchdowns. I'm sure you will hear alot about how great he is if you choose to watch this game. If you like hearing a man be compared to Jesus for 3 hours then this is the game for you.

Minnesota will win.

Brett Favre's pass to Greg Jennings makes him the new all-time leader in TD passes. Adrian Peterson's already run for 108 yards. It's a tight one as GB leads 10-6.

The Packers are for real and so is Brett Favre. 344 yards and 2 TDs for the NFL's alltime leading TD passer. TEN different Packers catch passes from Favre.

Daunte Culpepper will probably start at QB for the Raiders. You will recall Culpepper was briefly employed by the Dolphins last year. He will have revenge on his mind. He will be all, "Ha ha ha...that's what you get for paying me millions of dollars to play three games for you and totally shit the bed, I hope you have seen the error of your ways!"

Miami will win.

This game was delayed by lightning so they are not at the half yet. Oakland's up 14-7 as Daunte Culpepper has thrown for one TD and run for another. Lamont Jordan has 74 rushing yards, and Ronnie Brown has 90 and a TD for the Dolphins. 2 INT's for Trent Green.

Daunte Culpepper rushes for 3 TDs and throws for 2 more. Justin Fargas comes up big for my fantasy team by pulling 179 rushing yards out of his ass. Oakland is 2-2, they roll 35-17.

(1-2) BEARS AT (2-1) LIONS
This game marks the first day of the end of Rex Grossman's reign of error as Bears QB. Unfortunately, the Bears also have half their starting defense injured. Rex is actually starting at corner this week.

Detroit will win.

Brian Griese pulled a Rex and threw an INT in the opposing end zone, costing the Bears probably at least a field goal. He did throw a TD to Muhsin Muhammad earlier though, and the Bears are up 7-3.

Devin Hester takes a kickoff back for a TD, but he's about all the Bears have on this day. Brian Greise gets picked off 3 times, and the Lions win 30-27. The Lions are 3-1, the Bears fall to 1-3.

(0-3) RAMS AT (3-0) COWBOYS
Isaac Bruce has guaranteed a victory even though the Rams are starting Brian Leonard at running back and probably will finish this game with Gus Frerotte as quarterback. So, if the Rams don't win, free tacos for everyone courtesy of Isaac Bruce.

Dallas will win.

Dante Hall took a punt back for a TD, but Tony Romo's thrown for 178 yards and run for a TD. Dallas leads 14-7.

The Rams keep it close early, but then the roof caves in and the game becomes the blowout we expected. 184 receiving yards and 2 TDs for...Patrick Crayton? Dallas rolls 35-7, they're still undefeated.

(1-2) BROWNS AT (2-1) RAVENS
Jamal Lewis returns to Baltimore to face his former teammates for the first time. He says he knows the Ravens' defense weaknesses. So don't be surprised if he shows up with strippers and cocaine tomorrow.

Baltimore will win.

The Browns are ambushing the Ravens 24-6. TDs for Jamal Lewis and Braylon Edwards. Edwards has 84 receiving yards.

The Ravens fall behind big early, forcing Steve McNair to chuck up 53 passes. That's not a formula for success. Cleveland wins 27-13, and both teams are now 2-2.

(1-2) JETS AT (0-3) BILLS
Trent Edwards gets his first NFL start. He's a quarterback, and he plays for the Bills. Chad Pennington re-staked his claim to the Jets job last week. Jets TE Chris Baker calls Pennington "The ultimate competitor". He makes Tiger Woods, Roger Federer, and Michael Jordan look like fucking babies. He is the ultimate competitor.

NYJ will win.

We're actually halfway thru the 3rd quarter here, with the Bills up 7-0. Trent Edwards is 16 of 20 in his first NFL start. Marshawn Lynch has the only score of the game.

The Ultimate Competitor completes 32 of 39 passes, but the Jets can't get a running game going and the Bills hang on to win 17-14. This pretty much marks the end of the JP Losman era.

It's a battle for first place in the NFC West, the NFL's answer to the NL Central. Shaun Alexander will gallantly play with a crack in his wristbone. I will gallantly watch him with a crack in my ass.

Seattle will win

Matt Hasselbeck is abusing the Niners defense. He's thrown for 222 yards and a TD to Bobby Engram. Deion Branch has 117 receiving yards and the Hawks lead 13-0.

Trent Dilfer makes Alex Smith look goood as the Seahawks pound the Niners 23-3. 130 receiving yards for Deion Branch, and 3 sacks for former Niner Julian Peterson. Dilfer completes only 12 of 33 passes.

(2-1) PANTHERS AT (2-1) BUCS
One of these teams is going to win the NFC South, because the Falcons and Saints are both totally in the bell jar. The Panthers might have David Carr as their QB tomorrow. He'll get sacked eight times and Sean Salisbury will be very sad.

Tampa will win.

Cadillac Williams leaves with a grisly injury. So far it's been the Ike Hilliard Show as he has 7 catches for 114 yards. David Carr is a stellar 6 of 15 for 26 yards, and it is all the fault of the Texans offensive line. Tampa leads 17-0.

David Carr goes 19 of 41 as the Panthers get thumped by 3-1 Bucs 20-7. Michael Pittman comes on for Cadillac and carries 15 times for 90 yards.

If the Chargers lose this game, I expect Marty Schottenheimer to be back coaching them in Week 5.

San Diego will win.

LT's back in a big way. 14 carries for 116 yards and a TD. The Chargers lead 13-6 and are threatening just before the half.

Oh Lord. San Diego falls apart in the second half and the Chiefs blow their doors off 31-16 behind 164 receiving yards for rookie Dwayne Bowe and 123 rushing yards for LJ. It's not even October yet and the Chargers have lost more games than they did all last season under the coach they fired.

(2-1) BRONCOS AT (3-0) COLTS
The Colts are 17-2 in the month of September under Dungy, and have won 11 in a row in September. The Broncos almost lost to the Raiders. At home.

Indianapolis will win.

Marvin Harrison's left with an injury but the Colts have a 14-13 lead on a Manning to Clark TD pass. Travis Henry's already carried 20 times for 106 yards. Joseph Addai and Brandon Marshall also have scored.

Losing Harrison seemed to just make Peyton Manning angry. He throws for 3 TDs, including a pair to Dallas Clar, and runs for another. Joseph Addai runs for 136 yards and the Colts stay unbeaten, 38-20.

Cardinals coaches Russ Grimm and Ken Whisenhunt were both assistants with the Steelers and both were passed over for the head coaching job in favor of an outsider, Mike Tomlin. In retrospect, I think the Steelers did the right thing. The B-story will be Kurt Warner and Matt Leinart shuffling in and out of the game like Los Dos Villanos.

Pittsburgh will win.

Matt Leinart started and was abysmal, completing 4 of 10 for 39 yards. I think it's fair to say the Cardinals have broken him. Kurt Warner is on now and is 5 of 9 for 77 yards. Pittsburgh leads 7-0 on a 43 yard Ben to Santonio Holmes TD.

The Cardinals take the lead on a 73 yard Steve Breaston punt return and never look back. They hold Willie Parker to 37 yards rushing and upset the Steelers 21-14. Larry Fitzgerald had 123 receiving yards, while Holmes had 128 and 2 scores for the Steelers. 3 sacks for Arizona's Darnell Dockett.

(1-2) EAGLES AT (1-2) GIANTS
Donovan McNabb silenced all his critics by beating up on the Lions last week. I wish there was something I could do against the Lions whenever I screw up at work to make me look good.

Philadelphia will win.

Three sacks in the first half for Osi Umenyiora have helped keep the Eagles off the board, and Eli Manning's pass to Plaxico Burress has the Giants up 7-0. McNabb is 5 of 13 for 44 yards with a lost fumble. Good thing he proved all those naysayers wrong last week.

The Patriots haven't scored less than 38 points in any game this year. The Bengals gave up 51 points to the Browns. The Browns probably aren't going to score 51 more points this year.

New England will win.

That's it. Have yourselves a great Week 4.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Socialism vs. Capitalism

Before I go into what I want to write about, I should comment a little bit about the upset of the USA women's soccer abortion that was 4-0 Brazil. Now, some of you may be wondering why the hell I would care about women's soccer, but it's like wondering why I would ever watch women's tennis. The fact is, they're hot, athletic chicks kicking each other. If that's not hot to you, then you must be gay, which is alright with me but I'll never agree with you then that ice skating is a real sport.

In summary, the USA women's soccer team pretty much pwns all kinds of ass kicking, but people could give a shit. Then the USA coach switches the goalies up and we get raped 4-0 by Brazil. The starting goalie before the Brazil game, Hope Solo (daughter of Leia Organa and Han Solo), gave her opinion afterwards even though there's a rule in USA soccer where if you don't play in the game, you can't talk to the media. But since no one in America follows USA soccer, the media didn't know that and asked anyway.

Solo pretty much shit on the coach and the goalie that replaced her and was in all kinds of right. Then in her blog she said the media misconstrued what she was trying to say and that she was not trying to put her coach and the goalie under the bus. Well, sports media got all on her. One of the PTI a-holes was crying that she needs to own up and not puss out about her initial comments, completely forgetting the fact that in fact, she does have a puss. So after all this summary, here's what I have to say about it.

Asking a woman to man up about shit is like asking a man to listen to a woman: it's just not natural. You will never see a woman TO or Ocho Cinco. TO and Ocho Cinco are a-holes and don't back down because they are men. Men don't back down. Women do. Get off her being a puss about it because, if you haven't noticed, she has a puss. I liked that she took a shit on bad decisions from the higher ups, and when she said the media misconstrued it, I got flashbacks of all the times my ex-girlfriends told me I just need to know what she wants like I'm a fucking mind reader. Solo's reaction was natural for a woman, and media needs to recognize that, but they won't because media is largely masculine and could never understand that by definition.

Socialism vs. Capitalism

I was having a good conversation with old buddy Colin P, ex-soccer writer for 411mania and current writer for Insidepulse for comics about Arsenal and how Arsene Wenger rocks all kind of motherfuck. Recently Wenger came out to talk about what he was worried about in English football:

'What disturbs me is that a club lives above its means,' Wenger was quoted as saying in France Football magazine on Friday. 'The true danger today is that people who buy large clubs refinance their purchase by borrowing money, by putting the debt on the account of the club.

This brings out the ironic difference between American and English sports. In America, we fucking HATE socialism to where we don't support public health care. Yet our sports is PURE socialism with salary caps and parity being essential for pro league survival. English soccer is different in that it is purely capitalism. You have clubs that can buy and spend as much as they want, like businesses here in America, and succeed by qualifying for special tournaments or fail by being regulated to lower divisions. Could you image that happening in Major League Baseball? We would have the Cubs, Pirates, and Royals regulated to the third division. But those baseball teams survive on socialism.

Wenger's worry is the worry of capitalism. You spend way above your means in hopes that you come out alright in the future. Loans are essential for company survival else another company with more money comes in to bukake you (like Chelsea does). The two sports systems creates an interesting fan interest dynamic in that American sports fans only care about the post season, where English soccer fans care about every game because every game freakin' counts. Your company depends on it. If you get demoted, you're pretty much fucked because you'll be losing a ton of revenue. In American sports, you want to lose to get the first pick the next season. In English soccer, you just outbid for him.

And while I like the American system because it keeps my Cubs alive, it is nice to need to care about every game when following a team in the EPL. So if you every cry that you hate socialism, don't like American sports because then you'll be liking what you hate.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

You're an Owner, STFU

In my place of business (teaching), the most annoying thing is to have some administrator tell you he used to be a teacher so he knows what the fuck he's talking about. What he usually fails to mention is that he's an administrator because he fucking couldn't take being a teacher because all the fucking kids took a shit on him. When you're an administrator, if I'm doing a good job, don't fucking meddle in my shit and criticize me just to establish that you're the one with the fucking power. I know you have power. I don't fucking care. If I did, I would buy an admin credential for 1k like you did and be your boss.

I'm sure any of you can relate to this kind of situation unless you're that asshole meddling admin that wants to also do everything else. If that is you, FUCK YOU. I hope someone ass rapes you and then super glues your asscheeks shut.

Chelski ERR Chelsea is facing that right now with a Russian billionaire owner, Roman Whateverthefuck, who bought Chelsea because he was bored. To his credit, he got and overpaid the best manager he could find, and got all the players Mourinho wanted. And they won. And won. And won. But Roman decided that that shit was boring to play a counter-d style and he wanted to see action packed games, so he bought his friend Shevchenko for a gazillion bucks and wouldn't get the d players Mourinho wanted. They started to suck, and Mourinho said fuck this and now Chelsea is eating a big ass pile of dog shit.

I'm not saying Roman's not smart. He's a fucking billionaire. But Roman, YOU KNOW SHIT ABOUT SOCCER. Hire the best guy and let him do his job.

Now we look at the San Diego Chargers. I was never a fan of Marty Schottenheimer. But this a-hole can win. Winning season all day, too fucking easy. People cry he plays conservative in the playoffs and so that's why he never wins in the playoffs. So fucking what. He wins in the regular season. And not barely. He gets like 14 win seasons as much as I do Roman's mom. All day. Then the General Manager didn't like Marty, and made the owner choose. Well fuck, coaches come and go but good GMs are hard to find, so bye Marty.

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR DECISION? 1-2 record, team imploding, defense gives up more yards and big plays than China gives out SARS. Norv Turner has ALWAYS been terrible. But that's what you fuckin' get for replacing someone that knows what he's doing with someone that talks like he knows what he's doing.

Do you know why Norv keeps getting new head coaching jobs? BECAUSE HE KEEPS GETTING FIRED FROM THEM.

He fucking sucks, sucking fucks, and I'd rather eat dog shit than watch the "new and improved" Chelsea and Charger teams play. I mean, I was pretty excited about Chelsea and the Chargers for the next year, but the wait turned out to be like waiting behind a cow's ass for explosive diarrhea to unload in your face. That is how disappointed and disgusted I am.

Three Technique- Week Three

I was watching SportsCenter earlier this week and saw that they already have a feature called "Three and Out". I knew it sounded vaguely familiar, and the LAST thing I want to imitate here is ESPN. So I'm changing the name of this feature to the other name I was considering when I began it, "Three Technique". I am no copycat.

(2-1) TITANS 31, (0-3) SAINTS 14

1. It's hard to believe that in Week 14 of last season, the Saints went into Texas Stadium and beat the Cowboys 42-17. The Saints have all the same players now, the Cowboys have all the same players now, and yet those 2 teams have gone in completely different directions.

2. Next time LenDale White scores, I want to see him bust out the "I'm Gonna Get Some Poi" dance. Good god that young man is fat. I want to see him on "Shaq's Big Challenge" next summer.

3. Thru 3 games, the Titans are unscored upon in the 4th quarter this year. Their next 4 games are against Atlanta, Tampa, Houston, and Oakland. I can see them being 6-1 after that. This team is so much better than anyone gives them credit for. I'm not sure why they are, because their talent isn't all that good, but the whole is just more than the sum of its parts. Let's just say it's coaching. Jeff Fisher is very good.

(3-0) COWBOYS 34, (1-2) BEARS 10

1. Let me be the 500th person to tell you that Brian Griese is now the Bears' quarterback. That's been national news this week, and here in Chicago, it's about the only thing keeping me from giving myself a lobotomy as I try to cope with endless "It's Gonna Happen!!" nonsense about a Cub team that is going to enter the playoffs ranking anywhere from the second worst to 4th worst team in the history of the wildcard era to make the playoffs.

2. The Griese for Rex swapout is monumental in the recent history of the Bears, but with all the injuries the Bears have on the defensive side of the ball, it's only a matter of time before the wheels come off and Henry Burris is playing quarterback.

3. Tony Romo is the smiliest motherfucker I've ever seen in my life. He keeps mugging on the sidelines during games like that, some insane and very angry 260 pound mountain of linebacker is going to shove his backwards baseball cap up his ass one day.

(2-1) PANTHERS 27, (0-3) FALCONS 20

1. Carolina had Joey Harrington throw for 361 yards against them in this game. What the fuck kind of defensive gameplan do you draw up that is structured so that Joey Harrington throws for 361 yards against you?

2. The Falcons were penalized 135 yards in this game. DeAngelo Hall himself racked up 3 penalties for 67 yards on one drive.

3. A week after scoring 3 TDs and having like 160 some receiving yards, Steve Smith catches 1 pass for 10 yards. The reason? Last week he was playing one of my fantasy teams, this week he wasn't. Conversely, DeShaun Foster had 26 yards in Week 2. Using his special playing against one of my fantasy teams powers, in Week 3 he turned that into 122 yards and 2 TDs.

(1-2) EAGLES 56, (2-1) LIONS 21

1. See, Donovan McNabb proved all the naysayers wrong, he beat the Lions. Yaaaay Donovan McNabb is so awesome. He also has tremendous leadership skills. Really, when you think about it, he's pretty much as good as Jesus.

2. Can someone fill me in on why the Lions left Jon Kitna in to be sacked 8 times in a 56-21 game when he was just concussed last week? Michael Vick goes to jail for dog fighting but it's OK for Rod Marinelli and Mike Martz to leave a human being out there to get brain damaged. Not once have I heard this brought up by anyone but me this week.

3. Brian Westbrook, at this point on the space-time continuum, is the best running back in the NFL. Until he gets his annual injury.

(1-2) GIANTS 24, (2-1) REDSKINS 17

1. The Redskins get four tries to score from the one yard line in the last minute of the game to send it overtime. Where's Clinton Portis? On the bench baby!! Is he hurt? Is he sick? Is he in the bathroom? What?

2. Apparently Washington was wearing throwbacks to an era before copyright infringement. It took me 45 minutes to figure out that the Giants weren't playing the Packers.

3. This was an important win for the Giants, if for no other reason than if Tom Coughlin gets fired after this season, they may have to play for Charlie Weis next year, and he would lead them to an 0-16 season before eating them all.

(3-0) PACKERS 31, (1-2) CHARGERS 24

1. I can only imagine the amount of Schottenfreude Marty is feeling right now as this undisciplined, too cool for the room Chargers team pisses all over itself.

2. It occurred to me that if you picked the Chargers to win the Super Bowl, what you're really saying is that coaching is totally irrelevant in the NFL, and that Norv Turner is going to win the Super Bowl and Tony Dungy and Bill Belichick are not. That totally makes no sense.

3. We'll find out what the 3-0 Packers are made of over the next 28 days. This week's game at Minnesota will be a difficult one, then they face Chicago, Washington, and Denver, three teams that are all what I would classify as borderline playoff contenders just like the Packers are.

(1-2) CHIEFS 13, (1-2) VIKINGS 10

1. This was the NFL equivalent of a WCW Saturday Night match between Silver King and El Dandy.

2. Actually, I would MUCH rather watch a Silver King/El Dandy match than watch this.

3. I guess I was wrong that playing Kelly Holcomb instead of Travaris Jackson would fix everything for the Vikings. I'm all out of ideas now. Good luck and God be with you in your quest, Vikings.

(2-1) JAGUARS 23, (2-1) BRONCOS 14

1. Here's how my fantasy season is going so far. I drafted both Maurice Jones Drew and Fred Taylor with visions of that day they combined for 600 yards against Indianapolis last year dancing in my head. Now here we are 3 weeks into the season and Jacksonville has one rushing touchdown and Greg Jones scored it. MJD, meanwhile, looks like he's carrying a live rooster trying to plunge it in from 1 yard out. A fucking break once in while, if I may.

2. The Broncos' last 3 home games are a loss against the Niners, a should have been a loss against the Raiders, and now a loss against the Jaguars. This team is 2-1 going on 6-10.

3. And to drive that point home, the Broncos next 4 games are against Indy, San Diego, Pittsburgh, and Green Bay. They are going to need to call a lot of last second phantom timeouts to avoid disaster in that stretch.

(3-0) COLTS 30, (2-1) TEXANS 24

1. Joseph Addai scored one of the prettiest TDs I've seen in a long time in this game. He basically left his feet from a standstill at the two yard line then floated into the end zone like he was the hot dog wrapper that weirdo kid was filming in American Beauty.

2. Am I the only one that wonders if Marvin Harrison shrieks like a little girl everytime he crumples to the ground on the other team's one yard line rather than get tackled and get in the end zone?

3. The Texans have a juicy little storyline for this week's game in Atlanta, what with Matt Schaub making his first start against the team that never should have traded him.

(3-0) STEELERS 37, (2-1) 49ERS 16

1. This game illustrated very nicely the difference between what it means to be a 2-0 team in the AFC, and what it means to be a 2-0 team in the NFC. The Niners will have a lot of room for error this year, given that their division is horrible, but their game this week against the Seahawks is a huge one for both teams.

2. My Rex Grossman compass is pointing in Alex Smith's direction.

3. Willie Parker is one of the only running backs in the league this year who is not having a miserable season. He's been over 100 yards in all 3 games this year and has gotten better and better each week. As we come up on the quarter pole of the season, I have to say at this point in time he and Westbrook are the two best RBs in the league.

(1-2) RAIDERS 26, (1-2) BROWNS 24

1. What are the chances of the Raiders losing one week when a field goal at the end of the game is negated by a timeout, then winning the exact same way the next game? Actually, never mind that, what are the chances of the Raiders winning a game in ANY fashion?

2. All I really needed to know about the quality of this contest was revealed to me on the first series of the game. A little play by play, if I may.

1st and 10 at 50 yard line-- Derek Anderson sacked, fumbles out of bounds for loss of 24
2nd and 34 at 26 yard line-- Delay of game, 5 yard penalty
2nd and 39 at 21 yard line -- Jamal Lewis carries for 4 yards
3rd and 35 at 26 yard line-- False start, 5 yard penalty
3RD AND FRIGGIN 40 YARDS TO GO-- Timeout, Browns.

3. At this point I stopped paying attention to this game.

(2-1) SEAHAWKS 24, (1-2) BENGALS 21

1. I wonder what touchdown dance Ocho Cinco will have for us this weekend when he pulls the Bengals within 28 points of the Patriots.

2. The Seahawks needed this game really badly. If they lost this one, they were staring at trips to SF and Pittsburgh the next two weeks, and a very real possibility of a 1-4 start, which even in this suck-o division would mean they would be finished. Now, their hopes of getting to the playoffs and getting throttled in Texas Stadium by the revenge-minded Cowboys will stay alive that much longer.

3. Why are the Bengals seemingly going in reverse despite having all that talent at the skill positions? Well, for starters their drafts have been horrible every year starting with 2004 (the year after they got Carson Palmer). Since that draft here's the guys they've drafted that are now starting for them: Stacy Andrews, Eric Ghiaciuc, Johnathan Joseph, Domata Peko, Landon Johnson, Madeiu Williams, Robert Geathers. I know, I haven't heard of any of them either, and remember these are the GOOD ones that have stuck around.

(3-0) PATRIOTS 38, (0-3) BILLS 7

1. I really like Marv Levy and Dick Jauron, and want them to succeed, but things just keep getting worse for the Bills. First round linebacker Paul Posluszny broke his arm in this game and is out for the season.

2. On the plus side, at least JP Losman also got hurt in this game, so that is kind of a break for the Bills. Trent Edwards, a rookie out of Stanford came in after Losman went down, and looked about how you would expect a rookie out Stanford to look against a great defense that also knows what plays you are calling.

3. This week the Patriots get to face a Bengals team that gave up 51 points to the Browns. Will my fantasy QB Tom Brady have a big enough day to offset the fact that a perfect storm of bye weeks and a ridiculous 25 round draft that leaves absolutely nobody available on the waiver wire leaves me starting Heath Evans, Justin Fargas, and Bubba Franks??? If anyone can overcome this, Tom "Spanky" Brady can.

(1-2) JETS 31, (0-3) DOLPHINS 28

1. I dunno, maybe the Patriots really CAN go 16-0 this year. They certainly don't look like they'll lose any games in their own division. I mean, think about how bad this division really is. My personal statistical power rankings that I keep that have won me FIRST PLACE in my confidence pool two weeks in a row have the Dolphins, Jets, and Bills ranked 27th, 28th, and 29th in the league respectively.

2. Ronnie Brown had one of those once every six weeks big games that he has that tantalize the Dolphins just enough to hold out hope that his broke ass isn't a total bust.

3. Sunday was Wayne Chrebet Day at Giants Stadium. Chrebet, who retired after last season, is reportedly having big time problems with post concussion syndrome. He suffered 13 concussions during his playing career.

(2-1) BUCS 24, (0-3) RAMS 3

1. Not only are the Rams 0-3, but Steven Jackson's gonna miss their week 4 game against Dallas, and Marc Bulger has some cracked ribs so who knows what his status is.

2. Is it to soon to put Scott Linehan on coaching deathwatch? I know it's only his second year, but seeing what happens in Year 3 might be kind of like if MTV asked Britney to do an encore after "Gimme More".

3. Tampa's two wins are over the Rams and Saints, a couple of teams who have played epically bad football this year. Their next two are at Carolina and Indy. In other words, the Bucs should heed the words of Pulp Fiction's Winston Wolf and not start sucking each other's dorks just yet. IF they win one of those games, then we might have a nice little story here.

(2-1) RAVENS 26, (1-2) CARDINALS 23

1. The story on the Kurt Warner/Matt Leinart situation is this. The Cardinals reportedly subbed Warner for Leinart because they feel he's better at running the no-huddle offense, which the Cards went to when they fell behind 23-6 in the third quarter.

2. Warner proceeded to go yay-yo and bring the Cardinals back against the vaunted Ravens defense to tie the game at 23 before the Cards fell by a field goal.

3. Now Ken Whisenhunt says that Leinart is going to start this week's game, but that Warner is going to see some action too. Meanwhile, oddly enough, the Ravens have the same goofy QB issues as the Cardinals do. Brian Billick is saying stuff like he's going to use Steve McNair to start games and Kyle Boller to finish them. All I know is, Rex is our quarterback.


Saturday, September 22, 2007

The Greatest Day In the History Of Our Sport- Week 3

The weather here in the Chicago area this weekend has been six star. In a matter of weeks, it's going to be 30 degrees and cloudy every day, and will be that way for mmmm about six months. That's probably true for a lot of people, so given that, you may want to spend tomorrow doing something outside instead of watching football. That's OK though, you can do that, because I'm going to tell you right now everything that will happen tomorrow.

- The Ravens and Cardinals will play a close, low scoring game. The Cardinals won't be able to run on the Ravens though, and that will lead to a narrow 17-14 win for the Ravens.

Don't know if the Cards can or can't run on the Ravens, because they've chosen not to. Baltimore is beating ass 20-3.

Whoa. That one almost got away from the Ravens. Kurt Warner came on for Leinart in the 2nd half and he and Anquan Boldin went apeshit. The Ravens pull it out on a last second field goal 26-23. I say the Ravens are going to win by 3, the Ravens are going to win by 3.

- St. Louis is going to fall to 0-3. They just really suck right now. The offense sucks, the defense sucks, the coaching sucks, everything just bad. That means, by default, Tampa Bay is going to start 2-1 because they are playing the Rams. I bet the Eagles totally want Jeff Garcia back.

The Rams once again looking horrible. 2 INTS for Bulger and the Bucs are on top 10-0.

Preseason Hall of Famer Earnest Graham lays a claim to the Bucs starting running back job, rushing for 75 yards and 2 second half TDs. Marc Bulger throws for 116 yards and 3 INTS, Bucs win 24-3.

- Either the Steelers or Niners are going to be 3-0 after tomorrow. I'll narrow that down for you and tell you the Steelers will be 3-0.

Steelers enjoying a breezy Sunday afternoon. Willie Parker already near 100 yards rushing, Steelers cruising 17-6.

Frank Gore held to only 39 rushing yards. Parker ends up with 133. Steelers deflower the Niners 37-16.

- The Eagles are going to blow out the Lions to get their first win of the season, and send the Lions to 2-1.

- Kevin Curtis has 205 yards and 3 TDs. Westbrook has 200 total yards and 3 TDs. I can't believe I'm not playing against either of these guys. I am playing against Kitna and Shaun McDonald though, who've combined for 3 TDs. Fucking play some defense in those goofy uniforms Philly.

Lions for some reason leave Jon Kitna in a 56-21 game the week after he suffered a concussion. Fucking inexcusable.

- If Kellen Clemens starts tomorrow, the Jets will beat the Dolphins. If Chad Pennington starts tomorrow, the Jets will beat the Dolphins.

Ronnie Brown has awoken from the dead with 148 total yards and a TD, but the Jets lead 24-13 behind 2 Pennington TD passes. The Pennington man shall pass.

Jets win a high scoring shootout 31-28. I think Wesley Walker and Freeman McNeil both had TDs, and there was a helicopter tackle in there somewhere.

- The University of Buffalo would have just as much chance of beating the Patriots tomorrow as the Buffalo Bills do.

Buffalo got out to an early lead but now is submissively taking its beating, 17-7.

4 TDs for Brady, 2 to Randy Moss. Pats win 38-7. I have not seen a team dominate like this in this league in this decade.

- Minnesota will beat KC in a game that will feature as many offensive fireworks as you would see in a high school freshman B game.

LJ's rushed for 19 yards on 16 carries. Adrian Peterson has 136 total yards and a TD, as Kelly Holcomb and the Vikings lead 10-3.

Nobody's perfect. I missed one. Rookie Dwayne Bowe's TD reception gives the Chefs a 13-10 win.

- The Texans aren't gonna beat the Colts.

We're early in the 3rd quarter and Indy's up 24-10 thanks to a pair of Addai TD runs.

My fantasy website said "anything less than 300 yards and 2 TDs would be a travesty" for Peyton Manning today. Well I guess we have ourselves a fucking travesty. 270 some and 1 TD for Manning as the Colts hang on to win 30-24.

- LT will bust out this week, and the Chargers will get a win in Green Bay. A close win.

LT's just put the Chargers up 21-17 in Q3.

369 yards and 3 TDS for Favre as the Packers stun the Bolts 31-24. Donald Driver and Greg Jennings combine for over 200 receiving yards, and Jennings TD catch puts the Pack ahead for good.

- The Seahawks will beat the Bengals 80-79.

Lots of offense. Not Lions-Eagles offense, but a lot. TJ The Iranian Terrorist is already over 100 yards with a TD, but its Seattle who has the lead 14-10 thanks to a 42 yard Hasselbeck to Branch TD.

Hasselbeck hits Nate Burleson for the go-ahead score, then the Bengals fumble the ensuing kickoff to end it. Housh and Ocho both over a hundo in a losing effort.

- Derek Anderson will throw 9 TD passes and Jamal Lewis will run for 400 yards as the Browns top the Raiders.

After last week's 50 Burger against the Bengals, the Browns are back to being the Browns we know and love. Derek Anderson has thrown for 75 yards and 2 INTs, but some special teams incompetence by the Raiders means the game is still tight, with Oakland up 16-10.

Lane Kiffin calls timeout before Phil Dawson drills thru game winning field goal. They line it up again and the Raiders block the kick. Seriously, you cannot script this stuff.

- Denver will beat Jacksonville on a last second field goal. They'll do nothing but win on walkoff field goals all year.

The Broncos will have to come from behind to win on a last second field goal, as the Jags are putting it to them early in Q3 20-7. Maurice Jones Drew, still bad.

Broncos running game as useless as Maurice Jones Drew, Jags get 23-14 upset win at Mile High.

- Byron Leftwich will make his debut at defensive tackle, and win a Kel Mitchell lookalike contest, but the Falcons will still lose to Carolina.

After scoring 3 TDs against my fantasy team last week, Steve Smith decides to take the week off. He has no catches as of halftime and the Panthers and Falcons are tied at 10. Joey Harrington's thrown for 262 yards and a TD? Roddy White has 112 yards? Whaaa?

DeShaun Foster uses his magical playing against one of my fantasy team powers to run for 122 yards and a TD as Panthers win 27-20. Joey throws for 361 and 2 TDs.

- The Redskins are going to be 3-0, the Giants 0-3.

The spiritual depantsing of the Giants continues, they trail 17-3.

The Redskins remember they are the Redskins and blow 17-3 halftime lead. Ruben Droughns rushes for 3 yards and 2 TDs for NYG. Redskins losing 24-17 but are on the 1 yard line as Campbell and Antwaan Randle El have highlighted drive in final minutes.

- Dallas is going to beat the Bears. Tony Romo is going to have a big game.


So let me get this straight. One of THESE teams is supposed to play in the Super Bowl against New England or Indianapolis or Pittsburgh. Oh that'll be a great game. 3-3 at the half as both teams have touchdown passes clunking off hands and shoulder passes all over the place.


329 yards and 2 TDs for Smilin' Tony Romo. TO catches 8 balls for 145 yards and Marion the Barbarian does what LT and LJ couldn't and rushes for over 100 against the Bears defense, who had so many players go down last night I thought I was watching Saving Private Ryan for a second there. Cowboys throttle the Bears 34-10.

So that's it. That's what's going to happen tomorrow. Go pick some apples tomorrow.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Chelsea Boss Quits

When you force someone to play an offensive style when he's a defensive coach...

When you force someone to play a worthless piece of shit like Shevchenko because he's the boss' best friend...

This happens:

Chelsea Football Club and José Mourinho have agreed to part company today (Thursday) by mutual consent. -Chelsea Official Website

Damn, I'm off the bandwagon.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Donovan McNabb is Stupid

I know I haven't covered soccer lately. Euro qualifiers took the smoke out of me, even with Champions League starting right now. I will say that Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho's quote of saying that they may need to shoot 40 to get 2 goals since it took them 20 to get 1 is pretty right on.

I was driving to work this morning, listening to Rome talk about how some people think there should be an asterisk on Bill Belicheck's Super Bowls, beaming in my mind that I was smarter than Jim Rome, when I listened to Colin Cowherd talk about Donovan McNabb's interview on HBO. After the really shitty game he had...for the past season and two games, he said that Black Quarterbacks get more criticized than any other QB.


  • David "Hitler" Stern is racist.
  • Roger Goodell is getting there (he needs about 10 Black people to shit on; 4 down, 6 to go).
  • Media can be racist sometimes. Look at how TO and Bonds are treated in comparison with other White athletes.

Look, I'm probably the first guy to bust out a race card in a hold 'em game, but Donovan is just stupid. I remember when Steve Price and I would shit on him on our radio show every week whenever we didn't have any material because Donovan sucks so much.

Donovan, maybe people criticize you, not because you're Black, but because you fucking suck. You went to three NFC championships in a row, got Terrell Owens to make the Super Bowl, got some LEGITIMATE criticism from TO about how soft you are, said your team would be better without TO, and now you're crying race because you don't make big plays, have poor accuracy in 70% of your passes, and gave digital AIDS to everyone who watches replays of how much you suck. Bret "First Fucking Ballot" Farve gets criticized WHEN HE SUCKED. This year, he's not so bad and he's throwing bullets. Like, I am so happy for him; it's pretty weird. Anyway, Farve stopped getting criticized, not because he was White, but because he was winning and stopped sucking. When you stop sucking, Donovan (which will be never), then you will stop being criticized. Meanwhile, get your tissues out because now you know why the Eagles drafted another QB. Bitch.

3 And Out- Week 2

(2-0) REDSKINS 20, (0-2) EAGLES 12

1. Donovan McNabb says the media wants black quarterbacks to fail, Rush Limbaugh says the media wants black quarterbacks to succeed. I'm confused.

2. The Eagles defense has been great, ranking in the top 10 per rush attempt and pass attempt. Westbrook's got them ranked 11th in yards per rushing attempt. Yards per pass attempt? 29th. The Eagles are 0-2 BECAUSE of McNabb.

3. Not only are the Redskins 2-0, but with home games against the Giants and Lions next, I've got them penciled in for 4-0.

(2-0) PATRIOTS 38, (1-1) CHARGERS 14

1. This game kind of makes the rest of the season seem a little pointless doesn't it? Other teams can perhaps find a glimmer of hope in the possibility of Tom Brady going mad with syphillis.

2. My new nickname for Bill Belichick is "Spybot".

3. The Chargers had ONE wide receiver who caught a pass in this game. Everyone should have saw this ass beating coming. The Chargers basically play 9 on 11 when they are on offense. The wide receivers are completely vestigial. That's not gonna beat the Patriots.

(1-1) RAVENS 20, (0-2) JETS 13

1. I don't know exactly what this says about the Ravens, but starting Kyle Boller at quarterback gives them the best chance to win right now. The offense is better with him than with McNair.

2. Ravens coach Brian Billick made accusatory statements that the Jets defense was yelling out fake "Hut Hut" type yelps to try and bait the Ravens O-line into false starts. Maybe they just all have Tourette's.

3. Someone needs to send Eric Mangina a copy of the Carmelo Anthony "Stop Snitchin" videotape. Nobody likes a tattle tale.

(2-0) BRONCOS 23, (0-2) RAIDERS 20

1. First the Broncos end last year by losing at home to the Niners with a playoff berth at stake, now they need a phantom timeout to beat the Raiders at home. The Broncos are very wobbly right now.

2. The reason they are wobbly is they can't stop the run. They've got one Hall of Fame corner and one really good one, so you can't throw on them. But, man, can you run. They rank 30th in the league in yards per attempt against, and Lamont Jordan rumbled for 159 yards against them in this game.

3. Meanwhile, the Raiders defense, which has received a fair amount of kudos heading into this season, has struggled against both the run (27th per attempt) and the pass (25th). Lane Kiffin's improved the offense, but the defense has taken a step back and the result is an 0-2 start.

(1-1) CARDINALS 23, (1-1) SEAHAWKS 20

1. There would be nothing odd about and NFL game in Arizona being decided by a quarterback and running back colliding with each other on a routine handoff and fumbling. However, throw in that it was the opposition and not the Cardinals who pulled this boner, and all of a sudden you've upset the space-time continuum.

2. I could just be totally high, but this result has the feeling of something that could be the turning point for the Cardinals franchise. When they blew a 17-0 lead, it was just a case of same old Cardinals. But they fought back and won against the team that is the 3-time defending champions of their division.

3. Don't think this can't be a turning point for the Seahawks either. I stated going into this season that I see this aging team collapsing this year, and the first 2 weeks have not changed my mind.

(2-0) LIONS 20, (1-1) VIKINGS 17 OT

1. I just do not get the Vikings' thing for Travaris Jackson. What they are doing by starting this guy who is painfully bad right now and has about a 30% chance of developing into an average NFL starter is not fair to the rest of the team or their fans.

2. Not only are the Vikings offending my sensibilities by even letting Travaris Jackson on the field, they actually had him throw THIRTY THREE times in this game.

3. Of course, the big story out of this game was Jon Kitna's self-described "miracle" of re-entering the game to after leaving with a concussion. Awesome, how miraculous. I'll remember that miracle next time I see Chris Nowinski and that African doctor carving up some ex-NFL player's 40 year old brain on Sportscenter.

(2-0) 49ERS 17, (0-2) RAMS 16

1. Torry Holt fumbled deep in Niners territory, Dante Hall botched a fair catch on his own 25 yard line that led to the go ahead field goal, and Scott Linehan opted to try a 56 yard field goal (which was no good) on 4th and 3 with a full minute left to play. This is what you call finding ways to lose.

2. The Rams defense has been predictably bad, but the offense has been miserable too. Wasn't Steven Jackson supposed to be so awesome this year? What happened with that?

3. The Niners have the edge on the other teams in this awful division because their defense has developed into one of the league's best. They've somehow done this despite spending their #1 draft pick 3 years in a row on up to this point mediocre offensive players (Alex Smith, Vernon Davis)or flat out busts (Rashaun Woods). Nolan is a very good coach.

(1-1) BEARS 20, (0-2) CHIEFS 10

1. The obvious end to the Rex Grossman saga in Chicago will come when the Bears are no longer winning in spite of him. They can live with his baffling penchant for ridiculous plays when they're winning (mostly because of their defense and special teams, and a Grossman to Berrian bomb here and there), but once they're not winning anymore, the plug will finally and mercifully be pulled. The way the Bears have played the first two weeks, and with games against the Cowboys and then 3 in a row against division foes who are all on the upswing, that time may be really near.

2. One thing the Bears have done exceptionally well this year is shut down the run. The defense ranks first in the league in fewest yards per rushing attempt, and have done it facing LT in week 1 and Larry Johnson in this game.

3. Apparently the Chiefs are going to go back to Brodie Croyle at quarterback now. My scouting report on him after watching him at the end of this game, he's alot like JP Losman, only more bad at football.

(2-0) COWBOYS 37, (0-2) DOLPHINS 20

1. Remember 2 years ago when the Dolphins made Ronnie Brown the second overall pick in the draft despite the fact he was not even the #1 running back on his college team? I can't believe that hasn't worked out. Now I'm reading stuff that Ricky Williams might be coming back to the Dolphins this year. I hope he remembers to use his special gettin' high powers.

2. Gone are the days when the Dolphins could say, "At least our defense is good", because it's not. They rank 26th in yards per rush and 29th in yards per pass attempt.

3. TO has bestowed the nickname of "Marion the Barbarian" on Marion Barber, who had a 40 yard TD run to ice this game. That was pretty good, I guess. What would have been better is if the Dolphins and Cowboys cheerleaders just got totally lesbian with each other at midfield at some point in the game. Both these teams have really hot cheerleaders.

(2-0) PACKERS 35, (0-2) GIANTS 13

1. Tom Coughlin gave what so far is my quote of the year after the game when he said, "I think we are a better football team than we have shown. Obviously I don't have any real grounds for saying that, it is just a belief." I think that disclaimer should be added to every sentence that is spoken on ESPN's NFL Countdown.

2. This was actually a 14-13 game when the 4th quarter began. Then the Packers scored, the Giants fumbled the ensuing kickoff, and the Packers scored again. Coughlin gave his team the squinting of a lifetime as he watched all this unfold.

3. The Packers are 2-0 despite not playing very well at all so far. They rank 30th in yards per rushing attempt, 23rd in yards per pass attempt, and even their much ballyhooed defense is giving up 4.38 yards per carry which is 23rd in the league. They've also beaten a pair of teams who haven't beaten anyone so far.

(2-0) STEELERS 26, (0-2) BILLS 3

1. Do you ever take a step back and think how weird it is that OJ Simpson spent pretty much his entire career playing for the Bills? It makes me wonder how he ever got famous before he did not kill his wife. I get the same feeling when I remember that Peyton Manning plays in Indiana.

2. Dig on those Tecmo Bowl uniforms the Steelers wore for this game.

3. We're 2 games into the season and JP Losman has thrown for 251 yards, total. While Losman and the Bills passing offense have been really bad, the defense has been even worse, giving up 5.3 yards per rushing attempt. The Bills play New England next week, so they're going to be 0-3 and that's pretty much a wrap for them. Between this and people trying to steal OJ Simpson's shit, it's not been a good September for current or former Bills.

Photo from

(1=1) JAGUARS 13, (0-2) FALCONS 7

1. Looks like the Joey Harrington era in Atlanta is over, or at least ending very soon. The Falcons have agreed to terms with Byron Leftwich. Although in reality there's a really good chance the Falcons will get the #1 pick and use it to select Louisville QB Brian Brohm, thus reuniting him with coach Bobby Petrino. I'm sure that will work out super.

2. Interestingly enough, the passing offense has been the one thing that has been working for the Jags this year. Going with Dave Garrard has been a good thing for them, as they rank 5th in the league in yards per pass attempt.

3. Jax rhas nothing to celebrate from this win. Were it not for a pair of missed field goals the game could have been a home loss against a really bad team. With the emergence of the Texans and Titans, the Jags are now, in my expert opinion, the 4th best team in the AFC South. That would make them the worst team in the AFC South. Boy those windows of opportunity sure do close up quickly.

(1-1) BUCS 31, (0-2) SAINTS 14

1. The Saints are playing really awful, vile football right now. We all knew the defense was shaky but nobody expected the offense to struggle the way it has.

2. I think at this point the Saints might be better off with Larry David at corner than they are with Jason David. "What's the deal with Jason David? Why does he keep getting burned for 70 yard TDs?"

3. I love how Joey Galloway does the biceps flex after every TD he scores (he had 2 of them this week). When I get home from work tonight, I'm going to turn on Madden, set it to 2 players and throw a TD pass to Galloway. He better do the biceps flex thing, or else I'm throwing my controller thru my TV screen. Then I'm going to flex my own biceps.

(2-0) COLTS 22, (1-1) TITANS 20

1. LenDale White was the feature back for Tennessee in this game, not Chris Brown. The reason for that was the Colts have a small, fast defense, so the Titans chose to use the roly poly White to try and run through the Colts rather than around them. The strategy sort of worked, as the Titans won time of possession, if not the game.

2. Bob Sanders had 11 tackles and 2 1/2 sacks for the Colts. Let me leap on the bandwagon and say this guy is really, really good.

3. Interesting how the Colts' offense failed to move the chains and run out the clock late in the game. If Titans WR Brandon Jones doesn't drop a pass inside the Colts' 40 on the final drive of the game, the Titans probably win this game. If ifs and buts were candy and nuts.

(1-1) BROWNS 51, (1-1) BENGALS 45

1. Marvin Lewis, please turn in your Defensive Genius badge. Romeo Crennel, I'd ask for yours too, but we revoked yours a loooong ass time ago.

2. Jamal Lewis had 216 rushing yards and a TD while sitting on my fantasy bench this week. Now I'll start him thru a straight month of 17 carries for 43 yards every week desperately waiting for him to replicate this performance. I call this the Santana Moss Conundrum.

3. When was the last time an NFL quarterback threw 6 TDS in one game and lost like Carson Palmer did in this game? That has to be the first time ever. Yes, I'm too lazy to go look it up.

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(2-0) TEXANS 34, (1-1) PANTHERS 21

1. The first thing I want to point out is that Matt Schaub was not sacked one time in this game.

2. The second thing I want point out is that David Carr, who is now the Panthers' clipborad jockey, was on the other sideline.

3. The last thing is that the Texans are 2-0. They look really good. They have virtually the same offensive line they had last year, but a different quarterback. And anyone who has spent the last few years making excuses for or boo hooing for poor David Carr and how he had no chance behind such an awful offensive line, you are all fucking idiots.

The whole national standard blather and rending of the garments from virtually every national media outlet over how bad everyone felt for David Carr was ridiculous, and not only that it was lazy and it illustrates why 90% of the people who make a living talking about pro football are lazy assholes who don't work at their craft and just parrot whatever the standard bullshit is to say about a particular subject. David Carr got sacked all the time mostly because he was a bad quarterback.

Nobody I ever saw on ESPN, FOX, or CBS ever had the balls to acknowledge that fact because Carr was Charlie Casserly's first draft pick for a new franchise, and Charlie Casserly is a friend of the media (and now part of the media as well now that the Texans have canned him).

What I'm trying to say is, everybody kiss my balls because I've been absolutely right about David Carr since I started pounding out this crap in 2005.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Fuck Roger Goodell

This picture foreshadows how I do discipline.

Bob Costas interviewed NFL Czar Roger Goodell pretty much to defend the scrutany Goodell's been getting for being so easy on his friend's franchise and Bill Belicheck. Here were the main points of his defense (if I miss some, my bad, I'm doing it off memory and the interview just happened):

  1. Wade Wilson was fined 5 games because it was a 4 game auto suspension for unlawful activity (purchase/use of HGH), and he was given an extra game because Goodell feels that coaches should be held in higher standards than regular players.
  2. Belicheck was fined the most a head coach has ever been fined.
  3. A draft pick has never been taken from a team and will have a great effect on the Patriots.
  4. It is important for him for all 32 teams to know that there needs to be a level playing field at all times and his disciplinary action on Belicheck exemplifies this importance.
All these points were weak to me.

  1. If coaches are held to a higher standard, Pacman Jones was banned for a year for being accused of shit, not really being convicted. Pacman was really banned because he made the league look bad. Belicheck cheated. This makes the league look bad. If coaches are of a higher standard, you ban Belicheck for a season and one game.
  2. Yet Wade Wilson was fined $100,000 because he had erectile dysfunction which is a third of his salary. In comparison with cheating and manipulating the integrity of the game, cheating seems more serious than a coach using HGH because his use has no bearing on the integrity of the game. $500,000 is about right if he also added suspension time. Without suspension time, $500,000 is really nothing because Belicheck is rich and that fine is nothing.
  3. As Bob Costas point out (and Goodell dodged), the Patriots would lose their second of their first round draft picks which is much less significant than the first pick that they have from the 49ers since it's most likely the 49ers pick will be before the Patriots first pick. In order to send his message, Goodell should have taken both first round picks at least.
  4. Taking draft picks does nothing to warn the other teams to play on a level playing field. They'll just pick it up in free agency. Fining a coach is not a warning. He'll just go to the ATM with the kind of money Belicheck is making. Suspension is a warning. Sit at home while your team suffers. That will warn coaches that if you cheat, you sit at home, without pay hopefully, and watch your career in the hands of your assistant coaches.

NFL Czar can suck my dick. Look at Goodell's history of discipline: Pacman got pwnd. Chris Henry got pwnd. Tank Johnson got pwnd. Michael Vick got pwnd. They are all Black and all got suspended. Belicheck is not Black. Fuck you.

Week 2 NFL Peepshow

Welcome to the Peepshow. Every hour on the half hour I'll be looking in like the filthy old man that I am on all the games in progress around the league. Let's unzip our pants and dive in!


2 sacks for Shawne Merriman but Pats dominating everywhere else. Ben Watson and Randy Moss have caught first quarter TDs. LT has been held to 44 yards on 17 carries.

Hasselbeck fumbles with under 2 minutes left in a 20-20 tie game, and Neil Rackers knocks home the winning 42 yard field goal.

Roof caves in on Fins in 4th quarter as TO catches 34 yard TD pass and Marion Barber breaks 40 yard TD run. 4 picks for Trent Green.

Ryan Longwell misses 52 yarder as regulation ends. Brooks Bollinger mercifully enters for Travaris Jackson in OT, promptly fumbles to set up Lions game winner.

Raiders WIN! Ooops. No they dont. Creepy Mike Shanahan called a timeout. Then C-Bass misses field goal, and Raiders lose. 159 rushing yards for Lamont Jordan in a losing effort.

Give Devin Hester the W, Rex Grossman a no-decision. Cedric Benson's 101 yards should quiet those pining for Thomas Jones for a while.

Magpies hold off late Kellen Clemens-led charge by the Jets. 165 receiving yards for Jerricho Cotchery.

5:30 PM
See, I told you with the Cardinals you never know. Losing is in their mission statement. 105 yards and a TD for Edge, 122 receiving yards for Deion Branch, who was invisible last week.

Tony Romo has a TD pass to Tony "Spartacus" Curtis. Marty Booker has the Dolphins' TD.

JT O'Sullivan and Travaris Jackson are taking turns redefining how badly one can play the quarterback position.

Whaddaya know we've got a ballgame here after Josh McCown hooked up with Jerry Porter for a 46 yard TD pass.

Were it not for Devin Hester the Bears would be losing this game.

Todd Heap and Willis McGahee have caught TDs from Kyle Boller. Kellen Clemens continues to struggle.
4:30 PM
I feel very sad. My fantasy team is going to lose. Not only that, they're going to lose because I left a 100 yard 2 TD receiver and a 200 yard rusher on the bench this week. And because Steve Smith had 3 TDs.

This ought to shut up everyone who has been calling the Seahawks a sleeper team. I don't know exactly who has been saying that, but I know I've reading that bullshit somewhere. Of course, since this is the Cardinals are playing you never know they still might win this game.

Fucking Marion Barber pretty much put a stake thru my brain stem with a 1 yard TD run. Meanwhile, the guy who was supposed to vulture TDs for me, Brandon Jacobs, has an owy and just like Wyclef is gone till November.

I honestly had no idea Mewelde Moore was still in the league, but apparently he is and he has twice as many rushing yards as Adrian Peterson today. Roy Williams has 71 yards and a TD for Detroit.

This game was delayed for 1/2 an hour by lightning. Josh McCown has passed for 12 yards and thrown 2 INTs. I need Javon Walker to score about 5 TDs in this game, so he better get crackin with that.

Devin Hester, you are ridiculous.

2 TD passes for Kyle Boller. As much as I can't stand Kyle Boller, the Ravens are a better team with him at QB than McNair at this point on the space time continuum. Kellen Clemens threw for 43 yards and an INT in the first half.

3:30 PM
I'm not 100% sure, but this has to be the first time ever the Texans are 2-0. Thanks alot for giving up a 74 yard TD pass to Steve Smith in garbage time assholes though, way to ruin my day.

They kind of sleepwalked thru this one, but the Colts did just enough to win.

The Saints defense is horrible.

Scott Linehan elects to try a 56 yard field goal on 4th and 3 with a minute left rather than use all those offensive weapons to try and get a first down. Nice call. 145 receiving yards for the 145 year old Isaac Bruce.

126 yards and a TD for Willie Parker. The Steelers have given up 10 points this year.

Chris Berman is limbering up his lips to verbally fellate Brett Favre after he throws 3 TD passes. Against the Giants that's not that impressive though. Tony Romo threw like 12 just last week.

Jacksonville is not playing well at all.

Leigh Bodden just picked off Carson Palmer and that will finally write a finish to this. 209 yards and 2 TDs for Chad Johnson. 401 yards and 6 TDs for Carson Palmer. 328 and 5 TDs for Derek Anderson. 216 rushing yards and a TD for Jamal Lewis. What the fuck people.

Shaun Alexander 3 yards on 3 carries in with 1 minute left in Q1.

Only 3 completions for Romo in the first quarter.

Mike Furrey already has 49 yards receiving in keeping with todays theme of everyone on my bench going nuts, while I start MJD and Fred Taylor and they both shit the bed.

Jay Cutler to Brandon Stokley gives us our first TD here.

Bears looking only slightly better than the Saints so far this year.

Kellen Clemens 1 of 4 with an INT so far. Yaaaay.

2:30 PM
Ahman Green's 13 yard TD run and a Kevin Walter fumble recovery in the end zone have put this game out of reach as the Texans are making some sort of statement in Charlotte this afternoon.

Carson Palmer and Derek Anderson have both lost their fucking minds and have combined or 9 TD passes. Then you've got Jamal Lewis of all people busting a 66 yard TD run. Otto Cinque has 147 yards and 2 TDs, while TJ the Iranian Terrorist also has 2 TDs for the Bengals, terrorizing my fantasy team who is facing him today. Joe Jurevicius has 2 scores for Cleveland, while Kellen Winslow and Braylon Edwards have also both gotten in.

Adam Vinatieri is shanking balls all over the place today, meanwhile VY has just hit Roydell Williams to pull Tenn within 2.

A pair of TDs apiece for Cadillac Williams and Joey Galloway as the Bucs are embarrasing the Saints, who will start 0-2.

The Niners are trying to run out the final 2:30 in hopes that Gore's 2 TDs will hold up for a victory and a 2-0 start. Meanwhile the Rams are in danger of dropping a pair of home games to open the season.

The Steelers are so back.

Green Bay is dominating the Giants despite rushing for only 38 yards on 23 carries.

David Garrard has 272 yards passing and a TD. Joey Harrington's been sacked 7 times.

1:30 PM
Steve Smith and Andre Johnson are having a Zoolander/Hansel-esque walkoff, they each have 2 TDs. I'll also point out that Matt Schaub hasn't been sacked once. I guess that offensive line magically got better once David Carr wasn't standing back there staring down his receivers anymore.

So much for that much-improved Bengals defense. I'm not sure how you let Derek Anderson light you up for 3 TD passes in ONE QUARTER. Chad Johnson had 111 yards and a TD in the first half.

Just a workmanlike Colts ass-beating. Nothing more nothing less.

94 yards and 2 TDs for Joey Galloway. Good thing I didn't start him. Did I pick the Saints to go to the Super Bowl?? Uh-ohhhh.

How about the Rams playing some D this week? Didn't see that one coming.

JP Losman's 2 of 6 for 23 yards with 9:16 left in the third quarter. Niice.

Bubba Franks and Plaxico Burress have each caught TD passes. Rookie James Jones leads the Pack with 75 receiving yards.

Maurice Jones Drew is ruining this season for me.

12:30 PM

Jake Delhomme's ripping up the Texans D, and has hit Steve Smith for a circus TD where the ball was batted in the air and he pulled it down. Now Owen Daniels has fumbled in the red zone and the Panthers are fittin to score again.

Carson Palmer's swing pass to Rudi Johnson has the Bengals in the lead. Cleveland's on the board despite Derek Anderson not yet completing a pass.

A 37 yard hookup from Manning to Harrison sets up a Joseph Addai TD run. Vinatieri's PAT was blocked. A brief gasp in Nashville when Vince Young is shaken up, but he seems to be OK.

Cadillac Williams 1 yard plunge has the Bucs in the lead. If the Saints lose this game, there's a big problem.

Rams somehow have the lead despite already being sacked 3 times after a muffed Niners punt leads to a Bulger to Holt TD. Niners have 3rd and goal on the Ram 1 yard line as the 1st quarter ends.

43 yards rushing for Willie Parker in the 1st quarter.

Eli is playing with his injured shoulder and is 5 of 8 for 44 yards. 35 yards on 5 carries for Derrick Ward.

Maurice Jones Drew has 1 carry for 0 yards and no receptions. This makes me very sad.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Greatest Day In the History of Our Sport- Week 2

Here's why every game tomorrow rules.

(0-1) JETS AT (0-1) RAVENS
Vegas Says: Ravens win 21 1/2 to 11 1/2

This game is awesome because:
One team's starting quarterback is not playing and the other is "iffy" (Steve McNair's status according to Yahoo Sports). So you could very well have 2 teams that were both in the playoffs last year relying on a backup QB to keep them from the kiss-of-death 0-2 start. Everyone is already drawing paralells between Kellen Clemens in 2007 and Tom Brady in 2001 (untested 2nd year QBs taking over for much-maligned injured veterans in Week 2). I'm not drawing parallels, I prefer drawing transparent cubes.

My pick: Jets +10

Vegas Says: Panthers win 22 1/2 to 16

This game is awesome because:
I've never seen a game where a player who does not even get in the game is booed as mercilessly as new Panthers backup QB David Carr will probably be booed in Houston tomorrow.

My pick: Texans +6 1/2

(0-1) CHIEFS AT (0-1) BEARS
Vegas Says: Bears win 23-11

This game is awesome because:
Bears fans will feel silly booing Rex Grossman once they get a load of Damon Huard.

My pick: Bears -12

Vegas Says: Bengals 24-17

This game is awesome because:
If Browns QB Derek Anderson doesn't play good on the first series of the game, he will not only be benched but also traded the next day. Possibly incarcerated. This is also THE game of the year if you like orange helmets.

My pick: Bengals -7

Vegas Says: Cowboys 20 1/2-17

This game is awesome because:
The burning question of whether the perceived top team in the NFC can beat a lower middle class AFC team will be answered.

My pick: Dolphins +3 1/2

Vegas Says: Broncos 24-14

This game is awesome because:
You never know who is going to be playing QB for the Raiders. They switch in and out without warning like Villano IV and V. Also, Jay Cutler is now apparently the new John Elway.

My pick: Broncos -10

(1-0) VIKINGS AT (1-0) LIONS
Vegas Says: Lions 23-20

This game is awesome because:
One of these downtrodden franchises is going to be 2-0 and atop the NFC North on Monday morning. Not only that, but Adrian Peterson and Calvin Johnson are both playing.

My pick: Vikings +3

(1-0) COLTS AT (1-0) TITANS
Vegas Says: Colts 26-19

This game is awesome because:
The Colts have lost 3 in a row against teams in their own division if you can believe that. The Titans last week looked as if they are going to prove me right and everyone else wrong by building on last year's success, while the Colts made the preseason darling Saints look like Louisiana-Monroe.

My pick: Titans +7

Vegas Says: Jags 22-12

MoJo and Fred Taylor are going to combine for 350 yards rushing and 5 TDs tomorrow, so you won't want to miss that. I think that should guarantee a 2-0 start for my Texas Beltbuckles.

My pick: Jaguars -10

Vegas Says: Patriots 25-21 1/2

Actually, I can't really find anything good to say about this clunker of a matchup. You may want to watch Ace of Cakes tomorrow night instead. Not. That is an example of a "not" joke. This suit is black not.

My pick: Patriots -3 1/2

(0-1) SAINTS AT (0-1) BUCS
Vegas Says: Saints 22 1/2-19

The Saints are under suspicion. That's all I'm gonna say. Also, the fact that this Bucs team is at least as bad as any of the pre-Tony Dungy suck squads were should brign back some mirthful memories of men in tangerine pants getting their brains beat in.

My pick: Saints - 3 1/2

Vegas Says: Giants 20 1/2-18

Brett Favre and Michael Strahan may start making out with each other. That will make Warren Sapp soooo jealous.

My pick: Packers + 2 1/2

Vegas Says: Steelers 24-14

The line has jumped 1 1/2 points in favor of the Steelers over the course of this week, so I think the fix may be in.

My pick: Bills +10

Vegas Says: Seahawks 23-20

Mike Holmgren goes to church every Sunday and lights a candle thanking God for moving his team from the AFC West to the NFC West all those years ago. That and it really is a joy to watch the regression of Matt Leinart.

My pick: Cardinals +3

(1-0) NINERS AT (0-1) RAMS
Vegas Says: Rams 24-21

In theory this game features 2 of the best running backs in the league in Frank Gore and Steven Jackson. I hope nobody reading this column drafted either of those guys on their fantasy teams though, because if you did, you are probably 0-1.

My pick: Niners +3

So there it is. That's why tomorrow is going to be the greatest day in the history of our sport. I'll be posting my thoughts throughout the day tomorrow as the action unfolds, and will be hitting you with my 3 and out recaps during the week.

Fuck Jim Rome

I wasn't too upset on Bill Belicheck getting caught cheating until I went to Jim Rome's site, a big Barry Bonds hater, and caught what he said:

The “Hoodie” got off easy! Roger Goodell may have “dinged” Bill Belichick $500 “grr”, the ‘Pats, “two-fifty” and threatened to “rip” a first-rounder if they make the Playoffs, but the Commissioner should have suspended Belichick. He suspended Dallas Cowboys Assistant Coach Wade Wilson five games for loading up on HGH to treat impotency, errr, I mean, “E.D.”,…but Belichick didn’t get even one game for cheating? What is that?!

And how lame is Belichick’s rationalization that his interpretation of the rule was off. The rule is pretty straightforward, “Hoodie”: no video recording devices on the field, in the booth or in the locker room during the game. Black and white! No gray, “Hoodie”. Where’s the room for misinterpretation? You cheated! You were caught! Own it! This guy is getting over! He should be watching the next couple of games from his couch and the only reason he’s not… is because the Commissioner is tight with his owner!

I find this pretty weak of a take from Jim Rome who suggested that Barry Bonds, who never got caught illegally for steroids, should get an Asterisks on his home run record. So here's what I wrote his show:

I like how everyone is on Bonds and says to put the Asterisk on his record, yet he's never been caught for anything. Belichick gets CAUGHT cheating, but no one cries for an Asterisks on his Super Bowl championships.

And don't give me that, "Oh well, he had to plan and make the game plan" crap because Bonds had to swing the bat to hit his home runs. And just like how we really don't know how much Bonds' alleged use of steroids helped his home run record, we don't know how much Belichick's cheating helped him win Super Bowls. Belichick is just like, if not WORSE than Bonds because Belichick got caught. Yet no one is asking for an Asterisks on the Pats Super Bowls. You say it's not about race for Bonds, but obviously it is for you because Belichick should get a one game suspension for getting caught cheating while Bonds should get an Asterisks next to his home run record for suspicion of cheating. Yeah right not a race issue.

I pretty sure Jim Rome won't read my email because I called his ass a racist, but I thought it was entertaining. All the arguments for Bonds to have an Asterisk applies to Belichick except Belicheck got caught.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Three And Out- Week One


1. ESPN needs to quit it with this season opening MNF double header stuff they've been doing the last few years. The early game is halfway over by the time I get home from work, and the late game is in the first quarter when I go to bed. So instead of seeing 2 games, I'm really seeing zero games. Maybe 1/2 a game. Please just give me 1 fucking game that takes place at some time when I can actually watch it.

2. Matt Leinart's 102 yards passing and 35 yards rushing reminded me of Michael Vick. He's re-defining the QB position.

3. I think ESPN should phase out Chris Berman and phase in Mike Greenberg as the main voice of their NFL coverage. What little I heard of him doing play by play in this game was pretty good, and anything that will get Chris Berman off my TV screen I'm all in favor of.


1. Watching the final few plays of this game, it was painfully clear to me that Todd Heap didn't work hard enough this offseason on catching balls that are thrown at 90 miles an hour right at his face from 4 inches away. He must not have the passion and the fire.

2. The Ravens might be looking at having Steve McNair, Jonathan Ogden, and Ray Lewis all out (Ogden) or playing hurt (McNair and Lewis) this week when they take on the Jets. If I were the Ravens, given their injury situation I think it might help them if they spied on the Jets play calling, because that seemed to work really well for the Patriots last week.

3. What got into the Bengals defense in this game? They seem to have picked up a freewheeling, playmaking style of play that they probably picked up in prison.


1. I think we should all take a step back and note that the Cowboys gave up 35 points to a team who had someone namd Deric Ward as their feature back for most of the game. I don't care how many points they put up or how good Tony Romo was, the Cowboys have a lot to feel bad about after this game.

2. Eli Manning's taking snaps in practice reportedly. If both he and Jacobs are out for an extended time, and with this Giants defense as bad as it is, hoo boy.

3. If Eli can't go, Jared Lorenzen becomes the Giants starter. As a sign of how much faith they have in this alternate plan, the Giants are now reportedly pursuing the spleenless Chris Simms.


1. I didn't think the Seahawks were any good headed into this game and I still don't. They got dominated for most of the first half by a really bad team.

2. That really bad team would be the Bucs. If Jon Gruden was living in a Potowatomi Indian hut, he'd be the one sleeping closest to the door. Because he's on his way out.

3. Cadillac Williams hurt his ribs in this game, and that injury should probably plague him the whole season. If you like having running backs from really bad offenses on your fantasy team, and who doesn't, maybe you should pick up Michael Pittman's wife beating azz now that Carnell is up on cinder blocks.


1. The Chicago Tribune reported today that Chargers linebacker coach and former Bears D coordinator Ron Rivera prepped his new team for this game by telling them that Bears QB Rex Grossman was "a mental midget" and that they could get inside of his head. Ron Rivera, you my hero.

2. The Bears had 2 defensive starters (safety Mike Brown and DT Dusty Dvoracek) riding off the field, never to be seen again this year, on the same cart.

3. It's items like #2 that re-inforce why next year is promised to nobody in this league. Few teams looked like as much of a lock to make the playoffs this year as the Bears. Now, all of a sudden they lose 1/5 of their starting defense in one shot.


1. I don't know that you can really glean any knowledge whatsoever from this game. This looked to me like 2 bad teams.

2. Case in point, Oakland's offense looked much better than expected, but is that because Detroit's defense is terrible? Probably.

3. The Lions and Vikings meet next week, and one of them is going to be off to a 2-0 start. I don't think anyone expected that. The only thing I think that can happen that less people would have expected is if they both start 1-0-1. If you predicted that, you're a God.


1. Hi, I'm Herm Edwards. I run NFL franchises right into the fucking ground.

2. I've got the over under set at Week 5 for the time when LJ realizes he'd be stupid to waste the priceless commodity of a productive season as an NFL running back by carrying the ball 200+ times for this suck squad, and comes up with some sort of injury that will keep him out most of the rest of the year.

3. Just you watch the Texans become a very competitive team now that they've finally cut the cord to David Carr. It's three years overdue. It's like the story of the hippo.


1. Muffing two punts in your own territory like the Eagles did in this game is terrible, they basically handed the Packers 10 points.

2. Not that the Packers were much if at all better. Take away those two gifts and they lose 13-6. They didn't win this game nearly as much as the Eagles lost it. Green Bay couldn't even crack 3 yards per carry. We saw in 2005 what happens to this team when they can't run the ball, and it's ugly.

3. Donovan McNabb had a bad game against a good defense. The Eagles are at home on Monday Night next week, and he better be much better or else he's gonna get BOOOOOOOOOOED.


1. I've seen it written in other places that there's a "triumvirate of power" atop the league right now, the Patriots, Chargers, and Colts. I'm not so sure that it's not a parallelogram. The Steelers are a year removed from winning a Super Bowl, they played well at the end of last season, and they have an explosive offense and defense.

2. Someone get Romeo Crennel a blindfold and a cigarette.

3. The Browns look awful now, but keep in mind the Titans looked just as bad at the beginning of last season. Then they ended the charade of Vince Young "learning" on the bench, put him into the lineup, and by the end of the season things had gotten a lot better. The Browns should follow the same script with Brady Quinn.


1. The Vikings ranked second in the league in turnover margin in the preseason, and that carried over to the regular season as they scored 2 defensive TDs yesterday. Some teams can take the preseason off and not miss a beat (ie New England). For teams trying to establish themselves like the Vikings are though, you really can gauge how they will come out in Week 1 by how they play in August. The Vikings ranked 5th in my preseason performance rankings.

2. Atlanta's group of wide receivers is ridiculously bad. Roddy White, Joe Horn, and Michael Jenkins are supposed to be the top 3, but they combined for 57 receiving yards.

3. Every year it seems like we get more and more rookie running backs who make huge impacts. In 2005 it was Cadillac Williams. Last year it was Reggie Bush and Jones-Drew. Now Adrian Peterson comes out of the blocks in Week 1 with 163 all purpose yards. Meanwhile, Jerrious Norwood gets only 7 touches for Atlanta and has 57 yards on them. They've got to find a way to get him the ball more often.


1. There's a lot more beatings to come for the Jets. Last year's playoff berth was the product of a very easy schedule. They ranked 20th or lower in rushing and passing offense and defense.

2. Jet fans were booing Chad Pennington yesterday but I don't really get why. You complete 76% of your pass attempts and throw 2 TDs against a very good Patriots defense and you get booed? Come on.

3. Der dee dur deee dur Randy Moss. Dee doo dooo dee dur Tom Brady. Boob dee boop dee boo Patriots might go undefeated. There I just saved you a whole week's worth of watching ESPN.


1. Last week I rated the preseason performance of all the NFL teams 1-32. The Rams came in 32nd, and that carried over to Week One of the real season. They were terrible on both sides of the ball. The Panthers rolled up 186 rushing yards and victimized the Rams secondary for 3 TD passes, and on offense the Rams managed only 167 passing yards on 42 attempts.

2. Steven Jackson was the most disappointing fantasy player in the league this week. He had 58 yards rushing and was invisible in the passing game. Not only that, he killed the Rams with 2 lost fumbles.

3. Jake Delhomme was able to succeed in this game because the Panthers were able to run the ball. DeShaun Foster and D'Angelo Williams split carries and and had 156 yards on 32 attempts. As those 2 go, so will go the Panthers.


1. Jason Campbell got picked off twice, but otherwise, I like the way he played. What's not to like about averaging over 10 yards per pass attempt?

2. Lotsa luck to you if you're banking on any of the Redskins receivers for your fantasy team. Antwaan Randle El came back from the dead to have 162 yards yesterday, but everyone's sleeper TE Chris Cooley had 1 catch for 10 yards, and Santana Moss, who has faded so much in the last year I'm not even sure if anyone considers him a factor anymore, had 2 catches. Meanwhile, anyone notice that Ladell Betts and Clinton Portis split carries right down the middle with 17 apiece?

3. The Dolphins seem to have lost all faith in Ronnie Brown and their running game. Brown averaged less than 3 yards per carry yesterday. You don't hear about it very much, but this guy was the second overall pick in the draft in 2005, and he's on his last legs in Miami right now I think.


1. Impressive how Denver was able to get off game winning field goal with no timeouts left. Little things like that can sometimes be the difference between winning and losing.

2. Very good debut for Marshawn Lynch. JP Losman's 97 yards and one interception are unacceptable though, even against the Broncos standout corners. If he can't get it done this year it's time for them to go in a different direction at QB.

3. Buffalo's special teams kept them in this game. They were dominated in all other phases.


1. Jesus Christ Monkey Balls, how does a supposedly good defense like the Jags allow Chris Brown and LenDale White to hang 241 rushing yards on them? If that defense continues to suck like that, this team is going to crash and burn this year and Jack Del Rio and his suit are going to be on the set of some pregame show in 08.

2. Under no circumstances should the Jaguars EVER have a game where they throw the ball 30 times and run it only 18. That either tells me they had a horrible game plan or they panicked too soon and abandoned whatever their game plan was.

3. LenDale White needs to contact Dan Marino or Don Shula and get on some NutraSystem, stat. I bet he wouldn't have almost fumbled the game away on the goal line if he was carrying a Ding Dong instead of a football.