Welcome to the Peepshow. Every hour on the half hour I'll be looking in like the filthy old man that I am on all the games in progress around the league. Let's unzip our pants and dive in!
6:38 3Q PATRIOTS 24, CHARGERS 7
2 sacks for Shawne Merriman but Pats dominating everywhere else. Ben Watson and Randy Moss have caught first quarter TDs. LT has been held to 44 yards on 17 carries.
CARDINALS 23, SEAHAWKS 20
Hasselbeck fumbles with under 2 minutes left in a 20-20 tie game, and Neil Rackers knocks home the winning 42 yard field goal.
COWBOYS 37, DOLPHINS 20
Roof caves in on Fins in 4th quarter as TO catches 34 yard TD pass and Marion Barber breaks 40 yard TD run. 4 picks for Trent Green.
LIONS 20, VIKINGS 17 OT
Ryan Longwell misses 52 yarder as regulation ends. Brooks Bollinger mercifully enters for Travaris Jackson in OT, promptly fumbles to set up Lions game winner.
BRONCOS 23, RAIDERS 20 OT
Raiders WIN! Ooops. No they dont. Creepy Mike Shanahan called a timeout. Then C-Bass misses field goal, and Raiders lose. 159 rushing yards for Lamont Jordan in a losing effort.
BEARS 20, CHIEFS 10
Give Devin Hester the W, Rex Grossman a no-decision. Cedric Benson's 101 yards should quiet those pining for Thomas Jones for a while.
RAVENS 20, JETS 13
Magpies hold off late Kellen Clemens-led charge by the Jets. 165 receiving yards for Jerricho Cotchery.
SEAHAWKS 20, CARDINALS 17
See, I told you with the Cardinals you never know. Losing is in their mission statement. 105 yards and a TD for Edge, 122 receiving yards for Deion Branch, who was invisible last week.
COWBOYS 23, DOLPHINS 13
Tony Romo has a TD pass to Tony "Spartacus" Curtis. Marty Booker has the Dolphins' TD.
VIKINGS 17, LIONS 17
JT O'Sullivan and Travaris Jackson are taking turns redefining how badly one can play the quarterback position.
BRONCOS 17, RAIDERS 10
Whaddaya know we've got a ballgame here after Josh McCown hooked up with Jerry Porter for a 46 yard TD pass.
BEARS 20, CHIEFS 10
Were it not for Devin Hester the Bears would be losing this game.
RAVENS 20, JETS 6
Todd Heap and Willis McGahee have caught TDs from Kyle Boller. Kellen Clemens continues to struggle.
I feel very sad. My fantasy team is going to lose. Not only that, they're going to lose because I left a 100 yard 2 TD receiver and a 200 yard rusher on the bench this week. And because Steve Smith had 3 TDs.
CARDINALS 17, SEAHAWKS 7
This ought to shut up everyone who has been calling the Seahawks a sleeper team. I don't know exactly who has been saying that, but I know I've reading that bullshit somewhere. Of course, since this is the Cardinals are playing you never know they still might win this game.
COWBOYS 10, DOLPHINS 6
Fucking Marion Barber pretty much put a stake thru my brain stem with a 1 yard TD run. Meanwhile, the guy who was supposed to vulture TDs for me, Brandon Jacobs, has an owy and just like Wyclef is gone till November.
LIONS 10, VIKINGS 7
I honestly had no idea Mewelde Moore was still in the league, but apparently he is and he has twice as many rushing yards as Adrian Peterson today. Roy Williams has 71 yards and a TD for Detroit.
BRONCOS 14, RAIDERS 3
This game was delayed for 1/2 an hour by lightning. Josh McCown has passed for 12 yards and thrown 2 INTs. I need Javon Walker to score about 5 TDs in this game, so he better get crackin with that.
BEARS 17, CHIEFS 7
Devin Hester, you are ridiculous.
RAVENS 17, JETS 3
2 TD passes for Kyle Boller. As much as I can't stand Kyle Boller, the Ravens are a better team with him at QB than McNair at this point on the space time continuum. Kellen Clemens threw for 43 yards and an INT in the first half.
TEXANS 34, PANTHERS 21
I'm not 100% sure, but this has to be the first time ever the Texans are 2-0. Thanks alot for giving up a 74 yard TD pass to Steve Smith in garbage time assholes though, way to ruin my day.
COLTS 22, TITANS 20
They kind of sleepwalked thru this one, but the Colts did just enough to win.
BUCS 31, SAINTS 14
The Saints defense is horrible.
NINERS 17, RAMS 16
Scott Linehan elects to try a 56 yard field goal on 4th and 3 with a minute left rather than use all those offensive weapons to try and get a first down. Nice call. 145 receiving yards for the 145 year old Isaac Bruce.
STEELERS 26, BILLS 3
126 yards and a TD for Willie Parker. The Steelers have given up 10 points this year.
PACKERS 35, GIANTS 13
Chris Berman is limbering up his lips to verbally fellate Brett Favre after he throws 3 TD passes. Against the Giants that's not that impressive though. Tony Romo threw like 12 just last week.
JAGS 13, FALCONS 7
Jacksonville is not playing well at all.
BROWNS 51, BENGALS 45
Leigh Bodden just picked off Carson Palmer and that will finally write a finish to this. 209 yards and 2 TDs for Chad Johnson. 401 yards and 6 TDs for Carson Palmer. 328 and 5 TDs for Derek Anderson. 216 rushing yards and a TD for Jamal Lewis. What the fuck people.
CARDINALS 3, SEAHAWKS 0
Shaun Alexander 3 yards on 3 carries in with 1 minute left in Q1.
COWBOYS 3, DOLPHINS 3
Only 3 completions for Romo in the first quarter.
VIKINGS 0, LIONS 0
Mike Furrey already has 49 yards receiving in keeping with todays theme of everyone on my bench going nuts, while I start MJD and Fred Taylor and they both shit the bed.
BRONCOS 7, RAIDERS 0
Jay Cutler to Brandon Stokley gives us our first TD here.
CHIEFS 0, BEARS 0
Bears looking only slightly better than the Saints so far this year.
RAVENS 7, JETS 0
Kellen Clemens 1 of 4 with an INT so far. Yaaaay.
TEXANS 34, PANTHERS 14
Ahman Green's 13 yard TD run and a Kevin Walter fumble recovery in the end zone have put this game out of reach as the Texans are making some sort of statement in Charlotte this afternoon.
BROWNS 41, BENGALS 38
Carson Palmer and Derek Anderson have both lost their fucking minds and have combined or 9 TD passes. Then you've got Jamal Lewis of all people busting a 66 yard TD run. Otto Cinque has 147 yards and 2 TDs, while TJ the Iranian Terrorist also has 2 TDs for the Bengals, terrorizing my fantasy team who is facing him today. Joe Jurevicius has 2 scores for Cleveland, while Kellen Winslow and Braylon Edwards have also both gotten in.
COLTS 22, TITANS 20
Adam Vinatieri is shanking balls all over the place today, meanwhile VY has just hit Roydell Williams to pull Tenn within 2.
BUCS 28, SAINTS 7
A pair of TDs apiece for Cadillac Williams and Joey Galloway as the Bucs are embarrasing the Saints, who will start 0-2.
NINERS 17, RAMS 16
The Niners are trying to run out the final 2:30 in hopes that Gore's 2 TDs will hold up for a victory and a 2-0 start. Meanwhile the Rams are in danger of dropping a pair of home games to open the season.
STEELERS 26, BILLS 3
The Steelers are so back.
PACKERS 28, GIANTS 13
Green Bay is dominating the Giants despite rushing for only 38 yards on 23 carries.
JAGUARS 13, FALCONS 7
David Garrard has 272 yards passing and a TD. Joey Harrington's been sacked 7 times.
TEXANS 17, PANTHERS 14
Steve Smith and Andre Johnson are having a Zoolander/Hansel-esque walkoff, they each have 2 TDs. I'll also point out that Matt Schaub hasn't been sacked once. I guess that offensive line magically got better once David Carr wasn't standing back there staring down his receivers anymore.
BROWNS 27, BENGALS 21
So much for that much-improved Bengals defense. I'm not sure how you let Derek Anderson light you up for 3 TD passes in ONE QUARTER. Chad Johnson had 111 yards and a TD in the first half.
COLTS 16, TITANS 6
Just a workmanlike Colts ass-beating. Nothing more nothing less.
BUCS 21, SAINTS 0
94 yards and 2 TDs for Joey Galloway. Good thing I didn't start him. Did I pick the Saints to go to the Super Bowl?? Uh-ohhhh.
RAMS 13, NINERS 7
How about the Rams playing some D this week? Didn't see that one coming.
STEELERS 12, BILLS 3
JP Losman's 2 of 6 for 23 yards with 9:16 left in the third quarter. Niice.
PACKERS 14, GIANTS 10
Bubba Franks and Plaxico Burress have each caught TD passes. Rookie James Jones leads the Pack with 75 receiving yards.
FALCONS 7, JAGS 3
Maurice Jones Drew is ruining this season for me.
PANTHERS 7, TEXANS 0
Jake Delhomme's ripping up the Texans D, and has hit Steve Smith for a circus TD where the ball was batted in the air and he pulled it down. Now Owen Daniels has fumbled in the red zone and the Panthers are fittin to score again.
BENGALS 7, BROWNS 3
Carson Palmer's swing pass to Rudi Johnson has the Bengals in the lead. Cleveland's on the board despite Derek Anderson not yet completing a pass.
COLTS 6, TITANS 0
A 37 yard hookup from Manning to Harrison sets up a Joseph Addai TD run. Vinatieri's PAT was blocked. A brief gasp in Nashville when Vince Young is shaken up, but he seems to be OK.
BUCS 7, SAINTS 0
Cadillac Williams 1 yard plunge has the Bucs in the lead. If the Saints lose this game, there's a big problem.
RAMS 7, NINERS 0
Rams somehow have the lead despite already being sacked 3 times after a muffed Niners punt leads to a Bulger to Holt TD. Niners have 3rd and goal on the Ram 1 yard line as the 1st quarter ends.
STEELERS 3, BILLS 0
43 yards rushing for Willie Parker in the 1st quarter.
PACKERS 0, GIANTS 0
Eli is playing with his injured shoulder and is 5 of 8 for 44 yards. 35 yards on 5 carries for Derrick Ward.
JAGUARS 3, FALCONS 0
Maurice Jones Drew has 1 carry for 0 yards and no receptions. This makes me very sad.