Every year, the boys in Vegas take a stab at the number of wins each NFL team will have. You can then wager with those fine folks as to whether you think that team will win OVER that amount of games, or UNDER. So being that I know everything about the NFL, I'm going to go ahead and give you the winners right now. This information is only for medicinal purposes.
ARIZONA CARDINALS 7
You realize if you take the over here you are betting on the Arizona Cardinals to have a winning record. Why don't you go ahead and bet on Osama Bin Laden converting to Kabbala while you're at it.
ATLANTA FALCONS OFF THE BOARD
What cause Michael Vick won't be there to pass for 100 yards a game you hold your palms up and shrug your shoulders? Pussies.
BALTIMORE RAVENS 9 1/2
Every team in this division will go 8-8. Even the Browns. Okay maybe not the Browns.
BUFFALO BILLS 6
I pick these guys for second place in the AFC East.
CAROLINA PANTHERS 9
A team who has one offensive player who is any good at all cannot win over 9 games.
CHICAGO BEARS 10
I'm so non-conformist that I now think Rex Grossman is going to have a great year. I also say this because Bernard Berrian is on one of my fantasy teams.
CINCINNATI BENGALS 9
Am I completely delusional or has Marvin Lewis not been such a defensive genius since he doesn't have Ray Lewis and Ed Reed and all those other guys?
CLEVELAND BROWNS 5 1/2
If Romeo Crennel can't win 6 games in this, his third season, he's a worse coach than Charlie Weis. Geez, how's that Bill Belichick coaching tree looking now?
DALLAS COWBOYS 9
The Cowboys won 9 games last year and they had Drew Bledsoe playing quarterback for them half the season. Why would they win less than that this year? Is there any reason? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
DENVER BRONCOS 9 1/2
This is a 9-7 team if I ever saw one.
DETROIT LIONS 6 1/2
I almost took the bait here and went over. Then I realized that even if they are twice as good as last year, they will still only have 6 wins. Matt Millen didn't go anywhere, people.
GREEN BAY PACKERS 7 1/2
This all depends on whether or not they can have someone emerge who can do a reasonable impression of an NFL running back. If not, it's going to be like that season where they kept giving the ball to Sakmon Gado.
HOUSTON TEXANS 6 1/2
They're getting better, but records tend to be sticky in the AFC.
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS 10 1/2
Come on. The Colts aren't going to go 10-6. They had the worst run defense in the history of the world last year and they still went 12-4.
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS 9
Choosing Dave Garrard over Byron Leftwich smacks of rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS 7 1/2
I like Herm Edwards, but lately everything he touches turns to shit.
MIAMI DOLPHINS 7
Trent Green is terrible. This team always messes up on signing free agent QBs. Daunte Culpepper? AJ Feeley anyone?
MINNESOTA VIKINGS 6 1/2
You can win money for knowing the Vikings will suck?
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS 11 1/2
Hey we signed a bunch of wide receivers nobody else wanted. We're so awesome now.
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS 9 1/2
They play in a division with Tampa Bay and Atlanta and you, Vinnie Vegas, expect me to place a bet on the Saints going 9-7? That is rich.
NY GIANTS 8
Start spreadin the news. This team sucks.
NY JETS 8
Someone tell me how they made the playoffs last year with the 25th ranked offense and 20th ranked defense. I no understand.
OAKLAND RAIDERS 5
I think 5-11 is right on the money for them.
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES 9 1/2
I had a dream recently where Donovan McNabb was QB for the Raiders. I can so see that happening one day.
PITTSBURGH STEELERS 9
I'm liking Mike Tomlin...a lot.
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS 10 1/2
The only thing keeping this team from being a lock to win the Super Bowl is that there is no way Norv Turner is going to win a Super Bowl. Then again, they probably said the same thing about Bill Belichick at one time.
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS 7 1/2
By the end of the decade it will be accepted wisdom that Mike Nolan is one of the 5 best coaches in the league.
ST. LOUIS RAMS 7 1/2
They've been kept afloat by the Niners and Cardinals suckness for a while now, and that's ending.
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS 9
Way under. This team collapses this year.
TAMPA BAY BUCS 7
In what universe is this a .500 team? Surely not this one.
TENNESSEE TITANS 7
Very rarely do teams that improve so drastically in one year then regress back into sucking the next season. Everyone seems to think that's what is going to happen to the Titans, but I have my doubts.
WASHINGTON REDSKINS 7 1/2
They won't have a winning record losing 4 games to the Eagles and Cowboys, which they will.
And now...my long awaited playoff and Super Bowl picks. Patrick, this is for you:
Dallas over Green Bay
Philadelphia over San Francisco
New Orleans over Dallas
Philadelphia over Chicago
New Orleans over Philadelphia
New England over Baltimore
Pittsburgh over Denver
San Diego over Pittsburgh
Indianapolis over New England
Indianapolis over San Diego
Indianapolis over New Orleans
If Tom Brady can win back to back Super Bowls, Peyton Manning can too. And hey, that means tomorrow's season opener is a SUPER BOWL PREVIEW...and we'll be previewing that Thursday Night season opener tomorrow.