Saturday, September 29, 2007

Greatest Day In the History of Our Sport Week 4

Every NFL game has its own juicy storyline. If it doesn't one will be invented. Here's the juicy storylines for Week 4:

This one's easy. Former Falcons backup QB Matt Schaub returns to face the team that traded him this offseason. Here's a transcript of a conversation at Falcons headquarters recorded earlier this spring:
- Michael Vick is going to be suspended for dogfighting. Good thing we have a solid backup.
- we don't I kind of traded him.

Houston will win.

Joey Harrington's thrown a pair of TD passes to Michael Jenkins, and the Falcons are up 20-10.

317 passing yards for Schaub, but the yards don't translate into points. Atlanta picks up its first win of the season 26-16. 117 receiving yards and a TD for Houston's Andre Davis.

Brett Favre became the league's all time leader in something last week. Something with passing for touchdowns. I'm sure you will hear alot about how great he is if you choose to watch this game. If you like hearing a man be compared to Jesus for 3 hours then this is the game for you.

Minnesota will win.

Brett Favre's pass to Greg Jennings makes him the new all-time leader in TD passes. Adrian Peterson's already run for 108 yards. It's a tight one as GB leads 10-6.

The Packers are for real and so is Brett Favre. 344 yards and 2 TDs for the NFL's alltime leading TD passer. TEN different Packers catch passes from Favre.

Daunte Culpepper will probably start at QB for the Raiders. You will recall Culpepper was briefly employed by the Dolphins last year. He will have revenge on his mind. He will be all, "Ha ha ha...that's what you get for paying me millions of dollars to play three games for you and totally shit the bed, I hope you have seen the error of your ways!"

Miami will win.

This game was delayed by lightning so they are not at the half yet. Oakland's up 14-7 as Daunte Culpepper has thrown for one TD and run for another. Lamont Jordan has 74 rushing yards, and Ronnie Brown has 90 and a TD for the Dolphins. 2 INT's for Trent Green.

Daunte Culpepper rushes for 3 TDs and throws for 2 more. Justin Fargas comes up big for my fantasy team by pulling 179 rushing yards out of his ass. Oakland is 2-2, they roll 35-17.

(1-2) BEARS AT (2-1) LIONS
This game marks the first day of the end of Rex Grossman's reign of error as Bears QB. Unfortunately, the Bears also have half their starting defense injured. Rex is actually starting at corner this week.

Detroit will win.

Brian Griese pulled a Rex and threw an INT in the opposing end zone, costing the Bears probably at least a field goal. He did throw a TD to Muhsin Muhammad earlier though, and the Bears are up 7-3.

Devin Hester takes a kickoff back for a TD, but he's about all the Bears have on this day. Brian Greise gets picked off 3 times, and the Lions win 30-27. The Lions are 3-1, the Bears fall to 1-3.

(0-3) RAMS AT (3-0) COWBOYS
Isaac Bruce has guaranteed a victory even though the Rams are starting Brian Leonard at running back and probably will finish this game with Gus Frerotte as quarterback. So, if the Rams don't win, free tacos for everyone courtesy of Isaac Bruce.

Dallas will win.

Dante Hall took a punt back for a TD, but Tony Romo's thrown for 178 yards and run for a TD. Dallas leads 14-7.

The Rams keep it close early, but then the roof caves in and the game becomes the blowout we expected. 184 receiving yards and 2 TDs for...Patrick Crayton? Dallas rolls 35-7, they're still undefeated.

(1-2) BROWNS AT (2-1) RAVENS
Jamal Lewis returns to Baltimore to face his former teammates for the first time. He says he knows the Ravens' defense weaknesses. So don't be surprised if he shows up with strippers and cocaine tomorrow.

Baltimore will win.

The Browns are ambushing the Ravens 24-6. TDs for Jamal Lewis and Braylon Edwards. Edwards has 84 receiving yards.

The Ravens fall behind big early, forcing Steve McNair to chuck up 53 passes. That's not a formula for success. Cleveland wins 27-13, and both teams are now 2-2.

(1-2) JETS AT (0-3) BILLS
Trent Edwards gets his first NFL start. He's a quarterback, and he plays for the Bills. Chad Pennington re-staked his claim to the Jets job last week. Jets TE Chris Baker calls Pennington "The ultimate competitor". He makes Tiger Woods, Roger Federer, and Michael Jordan look like fucking babies. He is the ultimate competitor.

NYJ will win.

We're actually halfway thru the 3rd quarter here, with the Bills up 7-0. Trent Edwards is 16 of 20 in his first NFL start. Marshawn Lynch has the only score of the game.

The Ultimate Competitor completes 32 of 39 passes, but the Jets can't get a running game going and the Bills hang on to win 17-14. This pretty much marks the end of the JP Losman era.

It's a battle for first place in the NFC West, the NFL's answer to the NL Central. Shaun Alexander will gallantly play with a crack in his wristbone. I will gallantly watch him with a crack in my ass.

Seattle will win

Matt Hasselbeck is abusing the Niners defense. He's thrown for 222 yards and a TD to Bobby Engram. Deion Branch has 117 receiving yards and the Hawks lead 13-0.

Trent Dilfer makes Alex Smith look goood as the Seahawks pound the Niners 23-3. 130 receiving yards for Deion Branch, and 3 sacks for former Niner Julian Peterson. Dilfer completes only 12 of 33 passes.

(2-1) PANTHERS AT (2-1) BUCS
One of these teams is going to win the NFC South, because the Falcons and Saints are both totally in the bell jar. The Panthers might have David Carr as their QB tomorrow. He'll get sacked eight times and Sean Salisbury will be very sad.

Tampa will win.

Cadillac Williams leaves with a grisly injury. So far it's been the Ike Hilliard Show as he has 7 catches for 114 yards. David Carr is a stellar 6 of 15 for 26 yards, and it is all the fault of the Texans offensive line. Tampa leads 17-0.

David Carr goes 19 of 41 as the Panthers get thumped by 3-1 Bucs 20-7. Michael Pittman comes on for Cadillac and carries 15 times for 90 yards.

If the Chargers lose this game, I expect Marty Schottenheimer to be back coaching them in Week 5.

San Diego will win.

LT's back in a big way. 14 carries for 116 yards and a TD. The Chargers lead 13-6 and are threatening just before the half.

Oh Lord. San Diego falls apart in the second half and the Chiefs blow their doors off 31-16 behind 164 receiving yards for rookie Dwayne Bowe and 123 rushing yards for LJ. It's not even October yet and the Chargers have lost more games than they did all last season under the coach they fired.

(2-1) BRONCOS AT (3-0) COLTS
The Colts are 17-2 in the month of September under Dungy, and have won 11 in a row in September. The Broncos almost lost to the Raiders. At home.

Indianapolis will win.

Marvin Harrison's left with an injury but the Colts have a 14-13 lead on a Manning to Clark TD pass. Travis Henry's already carried 20 times for 106 yards. Joseph Addai and Brandon Marshall also have scored.

Losing Harrison seemed to just make Peyton Manning angry. He throws for 3 TDs, including a pair to Dallas Clar, and runs for another. Joseph Addai runs for 136 yards and the Colts stay unbeaten, 38-20.

Cardinals coaches Russ Grimm and Ken Whisenhunt were both assistants with the Steelers and both were passed over for the head coaching job in favor of an outsider, Mike Tomlin. In retrospect, I think the Steelers did the right thing. The B-story will be Kurt Warner and Matt Leinart shuffling in and out of the game like Los Dos Villanos.

Pittsburgh will win.

Matt Leinart started and was abysmal, completing 4 of 10 for 39 yards. I think it's fair to say the Cardinals have broken him. Kurt Warner is on now and is 5 of 9 for 77 yards. Pittsburgh leads 7-0 on a 43 yard Ben to Santonio Holmes TD.

The Cardinals take the lead on a 73 yard Steve Breaston punt return and never look back. They hold Willie Parker to 37 yards rushing and upset the Steelers 21-14. Larry Fitzgerald had 123 receiving yards, while Holmes had 128 and 2 scores for the Steelers. 3 sacks for Arizona's Darnell Dockett.

(1-2) EAGLES AT (1-2) GIANTS
Donovan McNabb silenced all his critics by beating up on the Lions last week. I wish there was something I could do against the Lions whenever I screw up at work to make me look good.

Philadelphia will win.

Three sacks in the first half for Osi Umenyiora have helped keep the Eagles off the board, and Eli Manning's pass to Plaxico Burress has the Giants up 7-0. McNabb is 5 of 13 for 44 yards with a lost fumble. Good thing he proved all those naysayers wrong last week.

The Patriots haven't scored less than 38 points in any game this year. The Bengals gave up 51 points to the Browns. The Browns probably aren't going to score 51 more points this year.

New England will win.

That's it. Have yourselves a great Week 4.


Patrick N said...


Patrick N said...

this is gunna be like yesterday's upset sat raiders browns even atlanta winning wtf

dook!e said...

All I can remember from the Bears game today, "Mike Martz.. Mike Martz. Mike Martz. Mike Martz!". Attention Fox, Mike Martz is no longer an NFL head coach.

Mike Shanahan's head is fuscia. How that happened I have no idea.

Bernie Berrian couldn't catch the horrendous stomach flu I've had since Friday even if I made him a diarrhea taco.

Patrick N said...

HAHAHHAAH CHARGERS LOST. PPL CHANTING MARTY'S NAME LIKE CHELSEA FANS SINGING MOURINHO'S NAME. THIS IS GREATTTTTTTttttttttt. NOrv Turner with an elite team has made them 1-3 how much more evidence do you need that he sucks more cock than jenna jamison.