Welcome to the first of what I hope will be a weekly feature...the GAMEBLOG.
Starting at about 11 AM Central time each Sunday I'll be trackin the action, from pregame to postgame and all points in between as only I can, meaning with plenty of masturbation and sodomy references.
So let's look the early games:
BRONCOS (-3) AT BILLS
Both of these teams bore my balls off. I guess I'll take the Bills getting three points at home.
Nicky P Fantasy Situation: Javon Walker starts at WR for my #1 team, with Lee Evans going for the bad guys. Last night I was at a wedding, and there was a guy there who I guess took JP Losman in the fifth round of his draft. Everybody there knew about it somehow. I haven't talked to this guy in over a year and I knew it.
TITANS AT JAGUARS (-6 1/2)
Last year the Jags destroyed Tennessee 37-7 when they met in Florida. The Titans haven't gotten 24 points better since then. Put me money on the Jags and their directionless offense.
Nicky P Fantasy Situation: I have MOJO on BOTH of my fantasy teams. All my eggs are in his basket. LenDale White is my flex back today in my B-league.
DOLPHINS AT REDSKINS (-3)
This would have been an awesome matchup 25 years ago. I think the Dolphins will go 0-16 this year. Teams with good defenses and very bad offenses tend to do bad. Ask the Raiders. I bet on the Skins giving three.
NPFS- Ronnie Brown is starting against my A-squad. I'm happy about that, because Ronnie Brown sucks dong. I've got Chris Coolio and his crazy honkey fro at TE for my B-team.
STEELERS (-4 1/2) AT BROWNS
The Browns have dropped their last 4 games by 8 or more points, and were 0-6 against their own division last year. Now ESPN's got some ten year old picking games for them. I want to knock his buck teeth out. Gimme the Steel here giving the 4 1/2.
NPFS- Kellen Winslow is my tight end today for the Texas Beltbuckles. That's the A Team. Team America is the B team. Got it?
EAGLES (-3) AT PACKERS
The Packers haven't given up more than 10 points in a game since Week 14 of last season. Gimme that and the points.
NPFS- I got nobody here.
CHIEFS AT TEXANS (-3)
Kansas City is going 0-16 like the Dolphins are. I'll take the Texans. Those 4 words are a great way to be a successful gambler aren't they?
NPFS- I have no one on either of these teams thank Jah.
FALCONS AT VIKINGS (-3)
The Vikings played really well in the preseason. That probably doesn't mean anything. I think they can cover a field goal though.
NPFS- I like to avoid players on teams that suck.
PATRIOTS (-6 1/2) AT JETS
I don't like the Patriots at all this year. This is my lock of the week here. Take the Jets and the points.
NPFS- Brady's the QB for Team America.
PANTHERS AT RAMS (-1)
I think there are 2 perennial contenders in the NFC who are going in the toilet this year. Carolina is one of them. I like the Rams today.
NPFS- Torry Holt, welcome to the Beltbuckles, we expect big things out of you.
Now that my picks are in, lets see what's going on in the ridiculous world of the NFL pregame shows.
Berman is previewing the Steelers and the Browns, segueing into a mic'd up feature with Mike Tomlin, Wade Phillips, Norv Turner, and God I can't type any more of these. Let's just go with the assumption every single team in the league has a new coach this year except for New England and Indianapolis, that's probably almost right.
Someone's doing a John Madden impression, talking about Pacman and Ricky Williams, and running down all the women Tom Brady's knocked up, and hey! a big graphic that has the word "FOOTBALL", morphing then into "FUTBOL", if that ain't free advertising I don't know what is. Now Bob Costas is here, what friggin network am I watching? Now everyone's at the update desk laughing at each other. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. All 4 of them like SD over my Bears today. Can't say I disagree.
They boast they are "FIRST ON THE FIELD". Phil Simms and whoever his partner is are at Giants Stadium previewing the Jets and Pats. I'm a little upset b/c the Jets game is on both my local feed and my NY CBS feed that I get, and the same thing goes for the Eagles and Packers on FOX so my ghetto Sunday Ticket isn't in effect today. Anyway, Phil is talking about how exciting it is for New England that they have Randy Moss now, because if he turns into the Randy Moss that was in Minnesota then everything will be seashells and balloons for them. My head hurts.
Okay that's it for now. I'll be back in about 20 with some updates.
Our first score of the day is a TD pass from Ben Roethlisberger to Hines Ward following a shanked punt by the Browns. I thought Hines Ward was done. Everyone's all like "Don't draft Hines Ward he's old". Idiots.
- Now we've got our second TD, a pass from Jake Delhomme to Drew Carter, and I see the Packers' defense has just scored a touchdown. I have a haunting twinge in my stomach reminding me that my Buckles are facing the Packers' defense I am pretty sure. Shit.
- Jacksonville's got a 7-3 lead over the Titans after a 73 yard TD pass from Garrard to someone named Commandant Broussard. Maurice Jones-Drew has 1 carry for -1 yard. Jesus, here, take this knife Mojo it's easier to kill me that way.
- Torry Holt has tied the Panthers-Rams game with a TD catch, while Wes Welker has put the Patriots up 7-0 on the Jets on a pass from Brady.
- Joey Harrington has thrown a TD pass! To the other team! Yay Joey! 7-0 Vikings.
- Roscoe Parrish has taken a punt back 70 some yards for a TD and the Bills are up 7-0 on Denver.
- Pittsburgh is taking a power dump on Cleveland 17-0. This will be a fun matchup next year when Bill Cowher is coaching the Browns.
- Andre Johnson has a 77 yard TD catch from Matt Schaub, and the Texans are beating the Chiefs 10-0.
- Randy Moss has 65 yards on 3 catches, but the Jets are even with the Pats 7-7 on a Laveraanuaeuasusus Coles TD.
- Washington leads Miami 3-0. Fucking brutal. At least Ronnie Brown is blowing almost as bad as Maurice Jones-Drew is, so that kind of balances things out from my FP.
- As I snooze thru these games so far, none of which have been at all played with any degree of skill, I give thanks for how NFL training camp has become less intense than dress rehearsal for Wicked.
- Miami and Washington have traded TD's. Clinton Portis got in for Washington to put them up 10-7 after Trent Green had put Miami ahead with a pass to Justin Peele. Antwaan Randle El has gone over 100 yards! I forgot he still plays.
- Mario Williams has more TDs than Reggie Bush does so far this year. His 44 yard fumble return puts the Texans up 17-0 on KC.
- Ellis Hobbs took the opening kickoff of the second half 108 yards to the hut and Mangenius is getting spanked by the Pats 21-7. Will he and Belichick shake hands after the game??? Oooooooooo...the high school drama is so thick.
- Hey Chad Pennington just got hurt too. That didn't take long.
- The Jet fans are going nuts for Kellen Clemens now.
- Game of the day so far is the Eagles and Packers tied at 10 at the half. McNabb's TD pass to Jason Avant has evened it up.
Things starting to open up a little:
- Akers has just hit from 47 to put Philly up 13-10 on GB.
- Marshawn Lynch has his first NFL TD to go with his 77 yards rushing, and Buffalo leads Denver 14-6.
- Vince Young's 2 yard run has Tennessee up 13-10 on Jacksonville. Jones-Drew still yet to crack the 10 yard rushing barrier.
- Miami and Washington are tied at 10. 15 yards on 9 carries for Ronnie Brown. Remember that big draft debate a couple of years ago over whether Ronnie Brown from Auburn or Cadillac Williams from Auburn was the better pick? The correct answer was they both are not good.
- A 68 yard Delhomme to Smith score has Carolina up 14-13 on the Rams. Stephen Jackson has 54 yards on 16 carries and 2 lost fumbles. Cue trombone. Wah wah.
- I hope you like Randy Moss, because you will be hearing about nothing but his napy ass for the next week. He has 157 yards and a TD as the Pats lead 28-14. Coles has 2 TDs for the Jets.
- Vikings lead Atlanta 10-0. 74 yards for Adrian Peterson.
- Steelers destroying Cleveland 24-0. Nine completions for Big Ben and 3 are TDs. Charlie Frye's been benched for Derek Anderson. Frye was 4 for 10, Anderson's now 3 for 10. God, just put in Brady Quinn already.
- Andre Johnson is having a huge game for the Texans, 122 yards and a TD as Houston leads 17-0 over KC.
- Drew Carter has caught 2 of Delhomme's 3 TD passes and the Panthers lead the Rams 24-13.
- Denver missed a 2 point conversion that could have tied it against Buffalo, so they're down 14-12 in the 4th quarter. Brandon Marshall has a TD from Cutler for Denver.
- Tony Siragusa explains the green dot on the QBs helmet to me for the 87th time.
- Chris Brown has 165 yards rushing against the supposedly good Jaguar run defense as Tennessee clings to a 13-10 advantage over Jax.
- It's getting down to crunch time in DC as the Dolphins are on the Redskins 18 yard line with 3 minutes left, trailing 13-10.
- Randy Moss is now up to 183 yards, New England killing the Jets 38-10. I'm sorry Patriots, you are good.
- Adrian Peterson has 103 rushing yards, and a 60 yard TD reception. Joey Harrington has TWO TD passes now...to the other team. Oh Joey, you're so bad at football. Vikings cruising 24-3. Hey it's final now! 24-3 Vikings. This is going to be an awesome season for the Falcons.
- 4 TDs for Big Ben, 31-7 Steel over Browns.
- Eagles and Pack are tied at 13 with 8 minutes left. McNabb is 14 for 30. What's up Culpepper?
Time to look at the late games:
BUCS AT SEAHAWKS -5 1/2
Who set this line, Gruden's Mom? SEAHAWKS
BEARS AT CHARGERS -6
I think the Bears are due to get killed by someone. CHARGERS
LIONS AT RAIDERS -2 1/2
Josh McCown is starting now for the Raiders? Interesting. I'm all about the Raiders right now. I'm the first one on the bandwagon. RAIDERS
We've got another final....Titans 13, Jaguars 10. 75 whole passing yards for Vince Young. 175 rushing yards for Chris Brown. I guess he's the new Travis Henry. It couldn't have been LenDale White...oh nooooo....God forbid I ever pick the right guy in situations like this.
- Houston beat KC 20-3. On the plus side for Larry Johnson, he only carried the ball 10 times. That had to be a nice little breather for him. 142 yards and a TD for Andre Johnson. 2 sacks and a TD for Mario Williams. No one's laughing now bitches.
- Miami and Washington look like they're going to OT tied at 13.
- Denver's down 14-12 to Buffalo with 2 minutes left and have the ball near midfield. 142 rushing yards for Travis Henry. 2 catches for 5 yards for Lee Evans. Yeeeah.
- Carolina's up 27-13 on the Rams with a minute left, so that game's over.
- GB's going to start deep in their own territory tied 13-13 with 2 minutes left in regulation.
- Both the OT games are final. The Redskins and Packers both win by a field goal. Yaaaaay!!! That'll do it for the Gameblog today. I'll be back tomorrow with Monday Afterbirth, after I've sifted thru this Opening Day and picked out everything I think you need to burn into your brain. Until then.