Dog Catcher

Real Madrid Conspiracy

In the Real Madrid vs. Ajax Champions league game, Xabi Alonso and Sergio Ramos got Red Cards winning 4-0. How is that possible? They refused to kick the free kick.



Fast forward to 5 min to see them both.

You may be wondering what happened. Well, here is photo evidence of what happened:

MLS Final Sucked Shit

The MLS Final between Colorado and Dallas FC got a whopping .4 rating (about 700k viewers). This is down from .7 (about 1.1 mil). Here are the top ten trending tweets that I found about the MLS Final:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

That's right! No one fucking talked about it because nobody wants to see youth players from Colorado play some assholes in Dallas in soccer. You have stars in Donovan and Beckham in LA and Henry and Marquez on NY Red Bulls. That's four very recognizable names from four different countries. You could have had audiences from England, America, Mexico, and France watching. But instead of rigging the finals like any smart company like the NFL or NBA does, they play it fair and have shitty people play shitty people.

Who the fuck wants to spend time watching the MLS Final between Colorado and Dallas? Some of you assholes would cry, "BUT PATRICK, SNIFF SNIFF, YOU DIDN'T EVEN WATCH THE MATCH!" Yeah, that's exactly it. I was not one of the 700k people wasting their lives watching youth prospects from Colorado and Dallas play a meaningless final. THEY'RE NOT EVEN FEEDER TEAMS TO ANYONE. Here are things I would rather do than watch the MLS Final:

1. Put pubes in my salad to make it crunchy.
2. Eat bacon covered shit.
3. Get pregnant and then kick my own stomach.

These morons competed with an NFL game instead of scheduling their final during the World Series. Why would you do that? Want a clue on how to get ratings? Rig your championships and go against the World Series.

Five signs Wade Phillips was going to be fired

1. One of his assistant coaches wasn't the most interesting man in the world.
Yes, I'm talking about that Dos Equis beer model that is always preceded by awesome things that awesome people do. If you don't know this guy, it's because you are not the most interesting man in the world. In fact, you're a fucking bukake. This guy has sex with your mom, and then you cried because you weren't the baby from it. If Wade Phillips had this guy on the team, the most interesting man in the world would just tell Wade Phillips that nice guys finish last, and dipshits people feel sorry for don't qualify in the race. You're fat, so that makes you an asshole, which is worse than both.


2. Tony Romo was a homo for Witten.
Yeah, TO's a bitch, but he was someone to throw to. Instead, Tony Romo dumped him when he wanted to stay forever because Romo and Witten we're gay for each other. It's lame. People think Romo is so awesome, but he just chokes. Then he gets hurt and pusses off to the sidelines. Wade was like, OH SNAP, I DUNNO WHO ELSE TO PUT IN BUT JON FUCKING KITNA. Once you saw Romo homo for Witten, it was over.


3. The offensive coordinator made as much as you.
So you're telling me that a shitty offense with only Des Bryant, a rookie, as being the only guy trying was one of the biggest reasons you fired Wade, then you promote his offensive coordinator? What's he going to do different that he didn't do while offensive coordinator? Is he going to tell the defense to work harder? His own offensive unit didn't work harder. The fact that this bitch tits Jason Garrett made just as much as the head coach meant Wade should have just took his cookies and ate them at home.


4. The Cowboys accidentally thought the NFL was a mix gendered league and put a girl as QB.
Really, I know I talked about Tony Romo, but this guy's a fucking fairy. People think he's so awesome because he did well when Bill Parcells covered his mistake-prone ass, but really he's just some dude that was a rebound for Jessica Simpson. Yeah, I said it. Jessica Simpson, the second dumbest woman in America (that O'Donnell chick from the Tea Party that believes science is too dangerous and shouldn't be taught in schools because science created human-level intelligent mice is the #1 dumbest person in America) used your QB as a rebound, Cowboy fan. That should have told you that Wade Phillips was fucked.


5. The Cowboys didn't have 11 Demarcus Wares.
This motherfucker can play. Could you imagine if there were 11 of these assholes? Excessive hit fines or not, someone's becoming a rape survivor after 11 Demarcus Wares all dip into that said person's asshole. When you look out into the field and see 11 Demarcus Wares, you would be like that HS coach who saw three fat kids on the other team and just forfeit. Unfortunately for you, Wade, you only had one, which was the biggest sign you were going to get fired.

Agents Paying College Players Haikus

Confessions of an Agent
Josh Luchs paid money
To bitches like Ryan Leaf
No return for him

In Response to Arguments that Student Athletes Need to Get Paid to Eat
College athletes cry
Because they can't get a job
They need to eat too

Fuck all those assholes
My school loan was a lot
You guys get one too

Week 4 Rubdown AFC West

1. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (3-0)

WK 3 W v. San Francisco 31-10, WK 4 BYE

Offense Rank 18th, Defense Rank 14th

The Chiefs are the last of the unbeatens in the NFL. Nobody would have predicted that after 4 weeks there would be only one undefeated team, and even fewer people would have predicted that team would be the Chiefs. Yes, fewer than nobody. But here we are.  KC has a young and exciting team, with a pair of electrifying talents in Jamaal Charles and Dexter McCluster on offense, and a stout young front seven which ranks fourth in the league in Y/A versus the run.  It's been a nice story so far, but things are about to get tougher with back to back road games at Indy and Houston, and 4 road games in the next 6 weeks.  Matt Cassel has been only slightly better than horrible, Dwayne Bowe has been invisible. If the Chiefs are going to succeed in this bruising month and a half stretch coming up, they are going to have to have a respectable passing game.

2. DENVER BRONCOS (2-2)

WK 3 L v. Indianapolis 13-27, WK 4 W at Tennessee 26-20

Offense Rank 4th, Defense Rank 16th

Kyle Orton is one of the elite QBs in the NFL.  Thru 4 weeks, he's throwing for over 350 yards per game, and that's insane. He's doing this with his running back out of the lineup, and a #1 receiver in Brandon Lloyd who has been released by just about every team in the NFL.  As good as Orton has been, the Broncos went into last week needing a win at Tennessee to avoid a disastrous 1-3 start. They got that win though, which was essential because the next two weeks have them traveling to Baltimore and hosting the Jets. Teams don't usually come back from 1-5 starts.  Sometimes the schedule maker just kicks you in the nuts, and I think that's been the case with the Broncos. They are a pretty good team, but the record doesn't show it, and probably won't show it until they can get some games against their weak division under their belts.

3. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (2-2)

WK 3 L at Seattle 20-27, WK 4 W v. Arizona 41-10

Offense Rank 1st, Defense Rank 1st

How, you may ask, does a team that ranks 1st in the league in both offense and defense have a 2-2 record? Well, one loss was on opening night in a monsoon, and the Chargers looked well on their way to thumping the Chiefs that night until it started raining, after which point they looked hopeless. The other loss was a special teams meltdown in which they gave up 2 return TDs to Leon Washington in Seattle. Other than that, the Chargers have been dominant. Mike Tolbert has been a find in the running game, providing a bruising hammer that is opening things up for Antonio Gates, who is having a monster year with 6 receiving TDs already. The Chargers are notorious for horrible starts, and I'm sure they're disappointed with 2-2. The fact is though, they are still the best team in the division by a lot, and maybe the best team in the league, that has to show up in the record sooner or later. 

4. OAKLAND RAIDERS (1-3)

WK 3 L at Arizona 23-24, WK 4 L v. Houston 24-31

Offense Rank 9th, Defense Rank 11th

 

Darren McFadden is finally playing up to his potential, giving the Raiders a viable offense. The defense is horrible against the run though, ranking last in the league in Y/A against, and twice getting gashed for 200+ yards, including in last weeks loss at Houston.  They'll be blacked out in their home market for the 10th straight time this week, and here's what Marty Schottenheimer had to say about them on Sirius Radio this week:

“The one constant you can count on in playing the Raiders is that they don’t finish. They don’t finish plays and they don’t finish games. I always told my players that if they kept playing hard against the Raiders, they would eventually fold. That is why I knew we would always win. That is still the perception around the league.”

Okay then!

Week 4 Rubdown - AFC South

1. HOUSTON TEXANS (3-1)

WK 3 L v. Dallas 13-27, WK 4 W at Oakland 31-24

Offense Rank 2nd, Defense Rank 32nd

I realize this is the sexy pick to make a breakthru and get to the Super Bowl this year, but that's not going to happen with the worst defense in the league.  It's not surprising with this enigmatic team that even after 4 weeks, it's really not possible to tell how good they are. They beat Indy in Week 1, but that accomplishment has dulled a little now that we see how the Colts have struggled. The last 2 weeks have brought a thorough beating at home from the Cowboys, and an uninspiring win in Oakland.  Arian Foster has been the best running back in the league so far, and a revelation, helping offset Andre Johnson's slow start.  That defense though, has been torched for over 400 passing yards twice already, which is ridiculous given the talent on it. Mario Williams has 5 sacks already, and Brian Cushing will return from his bout with Cushing's Disease, which I believe is caused by steroid use, so maybe there's hope. They'll have a tough matchup with the Giants in Week 5, but win or lose, I still won't really know how good they are.

2. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (2-2)

WK 3 L v. Philadelphia 3-28, WK 4 W v. Indianapolis 31-28

Offense Rank 24th, Defense Rank 30th

Here's a bit of a conundrum. Is Jack Del Rio a good coach because he's managed to be 2-2 with wins over pretty decent Denver and Indy teams despite having both an offense and defense that ranks among the worst in the league? Or is he a bad coach because this team is obviously awful despite its 2-2 record?   This seems like an 0-4 team in 2-2 clothing, but then again the Jags have always been a team with wildly fluctuating performances from one week to the next. The common theme seems to be that in their 2 wins, they have 0 turnovers, and in their two losses they have 7.  I guess they are to be commended for surviving the first quarter of the year despite being so bad, but I'm also thinking that the Bills get their first and possibly only win of the season against them this week.

3. TENNESSEE TITANS (2-2)

WK3 W at NY Giants 29-10, WK 4 L v. Denver 20-26

Offense Rank 27th, Defense Rank 9th

Another historically schizo team, the Titans have looked a little more like the awful team that didn't get a win until November last year than the team that couldn't stop losing after November last year. If you'll remember that pretty game in the snow in Foxboro last year, the problem with the Titans early last year was pass defense. The last 2 weeks they've given up over 300 passing yards, so it seems to be a problem again, punctuated by defensive coordinator Chuck Cecil flicking off an official during last weeks loss to the Broncos.   The offense has struggled too. It's leaning heavily on Chris Johnson and he's fallen off a little, averaging under 4 yards a carry so far.  Vince Young hasn't been bad, but defenses are coming out with one thought in mind against the Titans, to contain Chris Johnson any way they can. So far VY hasn't made them pay, and if he doesn't both Johnson and the T's will continue to struggle.

4. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (2-2)

WK 3 W at Denver 27-13, WK 4 L at Jacksonville 28-31

Offense Rank 3rd, Defense Rank 24th

Is this the year that Peyton Manning finally fails to carry a subpar supporting cast to the playoffs? Manning has never been better. He's putting up 300+ yards every game and making a star out of Austin Collie (although Reggie Wayne once again took center stage last weekend, catching 15 balls for almost 200 yards). So far it hasn't been enough though. The headset wearing water cooler that is Jim Caldwell actually came into play in last week's bad loss to Jacksonville, calling a stupid time out which helped leave enough time for Josh Scobee to nail a long distance field goal to win it as time expired.  Combine that with a vestigial running game, and a defense which is now down to a 3rd string safety after both Bob Sanders and his replacement Melvin Bullitt go out for the year, and it's going to be a struggle all year for the Colts, who face the unbeaten Chiefs this week.

Week 4 Rubdown - AFC North

Sorry I'm behind schedule with the rubdowns this week. Been at work till 8, 9 o clock all week. Will get caught up before Week 5.



1. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (3-1)
WK 3 W at Tampa Bay 38-13, WK 4 L v. Baltimore 14-17
Offense Rank 29th, Defense Rank 5th

The Steelers have been in a situation much like I find myself in at work now. For months I've been dreading this past week of 2011 budget meetings. I survived it though, they went pretty well, and now I feel like I'm in the clear and it's smooth sailing for a while. Same thing with the Steelers. They spent the entire offseason bracing themselves for the Ben Roethlisberger Suspension. It's come and gone though, and thanks to some great play by Rashard Mendenhall and a resurgence of their defense, they've come thru it with a 3-1 record, best in their division, and have to feel like they are on top of the world as they enjoy their bye week and prepare to beat up on the Browns in week 6. And make no mistake, they will beat up on the Browns. The only thing the Browns have going for them on offense is a running game, and you can't run on the Steelers (1st in the league in Y/A against the run). Following that cakewalk though, they've got 3 consecutive road games at Miami, New Orleans, and Cincinnati. Ironically enough, their 3-1 start without Ben, could very easily be wiped out by a 1-3 run with him. Maybe. Probably not.



2. BALTIMORE RAVENS (3-1)
WK 3 W v. Cleveland 24-17, WK 4 W at Pittsburgh 17-14
Offense Rank 22nd, Defense Rank 2nd

For a team that's supposed to be on a rocket ship ride to the Super Bowl on a licorice whip this season, I'm not that impressed with the Ravens so far. The win over the Steelers was nice. The Charlie Batch Steelers are not the Ben Roethlisberger Steelers, but a win is a win especially when it's against the 1st place team in the division on the road. If you look at the Ravens entire body of work so far this season though, it's not so good. Thru 4 games they've only outscored opponents by a grand total of 6 points. The reason is sloppiness on offense. The Ravens have turned it over nine times this year, and forced only 2. Joe Flacco's thrown more INTs than TDs. He's been horrible so far this year, and if the Ravens are going to come anywhere close to their potential he's got to be a lot better. The other thing that has to happen is that Ray Rice has to get healthy. The banged up version of Rice is averaging 1.5 yards less than the healthy one did last year. The next two weeks bring a couple of tough games, home against Denver this week, then at New England in Week 6.




3. CINCINNATI BENGALS (2-2)
WK 3 W at Carolina 20-7, WK 4 L at Cleveland 20-23
Offense Rank 10th, Defense Rank 6th

The team that wins the AFC North is not going to lose to the Browns. That is a prediction I feel pretty confident in. There's 3 good teams in this division that will beat up on each other all year, so in order to accumulate the requisite number of wins to win the division, those teams are going to have to beat the weak sister Browns when they appear on the schedule. The Bengals didn't do that, and it is a huge blow to their prospects for 2010. Terrell Owens did provide proof he is still very much a viable NFL player with a 222 yard outburst in that game, but it wasn't enough to get a win over the Pumpkinheads. The Bengals have surprised me by not completely tanking this year, I thought they would. They are 2-2, but rank in the top 10 in both offense and defense, so they are better than I thought they were. They should get well with a win at home over Tampa this week, but still, in this division, a loss to the Browns is a mortal sin. Last year the Bengals won the division because they didn't lose to anyone in the AFC North all year. That's already out the window in 2010.



4. CLEVELAND BROWNS (1-3)
WK 3 L at Baltimore 17-24, WK 4 W v. Cincinnati 23-20
Offense Rank 21st, Defense Rank 22nd

Good to see the Browns get rewarded with a win this week. They haven't been all that bad since they stumbled up on the Ivan Drago of running backs, Peyton Hillis. He of the forehead like a drive in movie theatre has been a godsend for the Browns, fantasy owners astute enough to pick him up off the waiver wire, and young aspiring white running backs everywhere. The Browns MO lately has been hand it to him on almost every play, and chew up clock to keep an awful pass defense (222 yards to TO) off the field. It's working so far, as they played the Ravens close on the road in Week 3 and beat the Bengals last week. We'll see how long he can hold up, he's already nursing an injury this week.

Week 4 Rubdown - AFC East

1. NY JETS (3-1)
WK 3 W at Miami 31-23, WK 4 W at Buffalo 38-14
Offense Rank 13th, Defense Rank 13th

One thing you always know about the NFL, whatever you think about anything heading into the season will be totally wrong. The Jets were supposed to run roughshod to the Super Bowl on the back of their aggressive defense, which was supposed to make the 85 Bears Defense look like something you'd see in the nether regions of the WAC. The offense was supposed to be barely competent enough to avoid screwing the whole thing up. Now that we're one quatrain through the season, the Jets still look like a solid bet to make the Super Bowl, however the offense looks a lot better than expected, and the defense looks pretty ordinary. First the good, Mark Sanchez has surprised me by being one of the best QBs in the league so far this year. His passer rating is over 100, and ranks behind only Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, and Michael Vick. LaDanian Tomlinson is averaging a ridiculous 6.1 yards a carry, and Braylon Edwards and Dustin Keller have been dangerous targets for Sanchez. And Santonio Holmes comes back this week to not only bolster their offense but put them over their quota of miscreants at the WR position.

The defense has been OK, but only just OK. Honestly, when you look at the personnel, other than Revis Island, who has been marooned on Hamstring Island recently, there's nothing here that makes you go wow or justifies all the hype this defense has received. Sure, the scheme is crazy with lots of unnecessary blitzing on 3rd and long, but who excites you here? Shaun Ellis? Bart Scott? Jason Taylor and his old balls? A scheme is nice but a defense isn't great unless it has great players. Not sure the Jets have that. What I am sure of though, is they've won 3 division games in a row, and that's a good start.



2. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (3-1)
WK 3 W v. Buffalo 38-30, WK 4 W at Miami 41-14
Offense Rank 11th, Defense Rank 28th

I don't know how good the Patriots are, any team that gives up 30 points at home to the Ryan Fitzpatrick led Bills is under suspicion. I do know they are really exciting to watch though. The Patriots have been putting huge amounts of points up, with their Monday Night steamrolling of the Dolphins in Miami making the 3rd time in 4 games this year they have scored 38 points or more. In the big win over the Dolphins, they didn't even need any offense at all to win, they got 3 special teams and defensive touchdowns coming on a Brandon Tate kickoff return, a blocked field goal run back for a TD, and a Patrick Chung INT. New England's offense has expanded it's arsenal this year. While Randy Moss has been very quiet, and Wes Welker only slightly less so, players like Tate, Aaron Hernandez, Rob Gronkowski, Benjarvus Green-Ellis, and the 4 foot tall mogwai Danny Woodhead have made the Pats the most exciting team in the league so far. Again, that's something you wouldn't expect from the staid old team of the 00's, but that's why the NFL is the NFL.



3. MIAMI DOLPHINS (2-2)
WK 3 L v. NY Jets 23-31, WK 4 L v. New England 14-41
Offense Rank 13th, Defense Rank 6th

When you lose two in a row at home to the teams that you are fighting for divisional supremacy with, that's called being put in your place. I can sit here and analyze the Dolphins stats all day, and it's not going to change that in the last two weeks, they've proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that at this point on the space-time continuum, they are just not good enough to win this division, or finish second. There's nothing to pin this on other than the fact they make too many mistakes. In the 2 huge losses, the Dolphins turned it over 5 times, and the Jets and Patriots turned it over 0 times. There's no glaring weakness on this team other than just screwing up too much. You can't give up three touchdowns to another team without their offense even needing to be on the field, like the Dolphins did last night. Chad Henne, Ronnie/Ricky, Brandon Marshall and Davone Bess, a solid no-name defense, the Dolphins have all those things going for them. But yet, here we are with 2 home games they had to have both in the L column, and trips to Green Bay, Cincinnati, and Baltimore sandwiched around a home game against Pittsburgh coming up in the next 4 weeks. All of a sudden things look pretty scary here.




4. BUFFALO BILLS (0-4)
WK 3 L at New England 30-38, WK 4 L v. NY Jets 14-38
Offense Rank 32nd, Defense Rank 27th

Not a whole lot to talk about here as the Bills are every bit as awful as expected, but let's duly note the release of Senator Trent Edwards, confirming that the correct choice in the JP Losman/Edwards QB controversy was "none of the above". Let's also duly note that the Eagles and Packers are reportedly sniffing around Marshawn Lynch to address the gaping holes those teams have at running back due to injuries to LeSean McCoy and Ryan Grant. Let's also duly note that the Bills have given up over 200 yards rushing 2 weeks in a row now, and the Jets had 2 100 yard rushers against them last week.

Week 3 Rubdown - NFC West

Leon's Getting Larrrrgerrr

1. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (2-1)
L at Denver 14-31, W v. San Diego 27-20
Offense Rank 30th, Defense Rank 26th

The accepted wisdom is that a 1-15 team will win the NFC West this year. Well, the Seahawks have already won two games, so that shows how stupid everybody is. Seattle's lack of defeats hasn't been for lack of trying. They rank close to last in both offense and defense. However, they have had the good fortune to have already played the smoldering train wreck that is Mike Singletary's 49ers, and gotten not one but two Leon Washington kick returns for touchdowns in a week 3 win over the Chargers, who are off to their customary miserable start. This team is every bit as miserably bad as was feared heading into the season, and probably then some, but this is a historically bad division they play in, and they've already got 2 wins, so who knows. They've got another winnable game this in St. Louis, so Clappin' Pete Carroll and the Hawks could be off to a 3-1 start.



Flashing the Sign of the Douchebag Gang


2. ARIZONA CARDINALS (2-1)
WK 2 L at Atlanta 7-41, WK 3 W v. Oakland 24-23
Offense Rank 25th, Defense Rank 26th

Like the Seahawks, the Cardinals have shown considerable pluck despite having a severe lack of talent. As the old saying goes (I think it's an old saying), 90% of success is due to showing up. The Cardinals decided to show up against Oakland last week, despite all indications that they should not that came out of a 41-7 lambasting in Atlanta the week before. They showed up and stayed close, and Sebastian Janikowski blew a chip shot field goal as time expired to give the Cardinals the win. You see, bad things can happen to bad people. The Cardinals are surviving by the grace of the Pittsburgh Steeler running game that Ken Whisenhunt is using this year. They rank 2nd in the league in yards per rushing attempt after being largely incompetent at running the ball for the last 60 years. The Cards travel to San Diego this week, where they hope to keep the Bolts in their early season funk.



3. ST. LOUIS RAMS (1-2)
WK 2 L at Oakland 14-16, WK 3 W v. Washington 30-16
Offense Rank 24th, Defense Rank 24th

I'm going to go out on a limb right now and predict that the Rams win this divison. Sam Bradford is probably already the best QB in the NFC West, and name me another division where the best QB in it isn't on the division winning team. See, you can't. Steven Jackson suffered his annual injury last week, but maybe that's not a bad thing, maybe the Rams are just better off going full on aerial circus mode and letting Bradford wing it around the field to his menagerie of unknown WR's with funny names. The Rams played probably the best game anyone in this divison has, or will play all year in a 30-16 win over the Redskins last week, despite the Redskins having the great Donovan McNabb. They have a big game at home against Seattle this week, a great chance to prove me right and get some others on the bandwagon.


4. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (0-3)
WK 2 L v. New Orleans 22-25, WK 3 L at Kansas City 10-31
Offense Rank 20th, Defense Rank 17th

Fantasy Flash

Just a quick look at who the top 10 Fantasy Players were at each position in Week 3, and so far this year...this is by the scoring system in one of my leagues, may not match yours.

Week 3


QB
1. Michael Vick PHI v. JAX 38
2. Peyton Manning IND v. DEN 33
3. Drew Brees NO v. ATL 32
4. Chad Henne MIA v. NYJ 29
5. Tom Brady NE v. BUF 28
Mark Sanchez NYJ v. MIA 28
Joe Flacco BAL v. CLE 28
8. Aaron Rodgers GB v. CHI 27
Kyle Orton DEN v. IND 27
Matt Cassel KC v. SF 27




RB
1. Adrian Peterson MIN v. DET 33
2. Chris Johnson TEN v. NYG 26
3. Cedric Benson CIN v. CAR 26
4. Peyton Hillis CLE v. BAL 23
5. Rashard Mendenhall PIT v. TB 22
6. Michael Turner ATL v. NO 20
7. Darren McFadden OAK v. AZ 19
8. Ahmad Bradshaw NYG v. TEN 17
9. Frank Gore SF v. KC 16
10. Thomas Jones KC v. SF 15
Benjarvus Green-Ellis NE v. BUF 15



WR
1. Anquan Boldin BAL v. CLE 34
2. Austin Collie IND v. DEN 31
3. Lance Moore NO v. ATL 28
4. Roy Williams DAL v. HOU 25
5. Brandon Lloyd DEN v. IND 24
Brandon Marshall MIA v. NYJ 24
Mike Wallace PIT v. TB 24
8. DeSean Jackson PHI v. JAX 23
9. Jeremy Maclin PHI v. JAX 20
Santana Moss WSH v. STL 20



TE
1. Dustin Keller NYJ v. MIA 21
2. Tony Gonzalez ATL v. NO 19
3. Antonio Gates SD v. SEA 18
4. Jermichael Finley GB v. CHI 13
Jeremy Shockey NO v. ATL 13
6. Greg Olsen CHI v. GB 12
John Carlson SEA v. SD 12
Tony Scheffler DET v. MIN 12
9. Tony Moeaki KC v. SF 10
Zach Miller OAK v. AZ 10
Ben Watson CLE v. BAL 10
Rob Gronkowski NE v. BUF 10



K
1. Sebastian Janikowski OAK v. AZ 13
Dan Carpenter MIA v. NYJ 13
3. Josh Brown STL v. WSH 12
Rian Lindell BUF v. NE 12
5. David Buehler DAL v. HOU 11
Rob Bironas TEN v. NYG 11
7. Mike Nugent CIN v. CAR 10
Graham Gano WSH v. STL 10
9. Matt Bryant ATL v. NO 9
Olindo Mare SEA v. SD 9
Jeff Reed PIT v. TB 9




DST
1. Seahawks v. SD 26
2. Eagles v. JAX 16
3. Steelers v. TB 14
4. Titans v. NYG 11
Bengals v. CAR 11
6. Chiefs v. SF 10
Bears v. GB 10
Cowboys v. HOU 10
9. Chargers v. SEA 9
Bills v. NE 9

SEASON TO DATE AVG




QB
1. Peyton Manning IND 32.7
2. Michael Vick PHI 29.7
3. Philip Rivers SD 25.3
4. Tom Brady NE 25.0
5. Aaron Rodgers GB 24.7
6. Jay Cutler CHI 24.0
7. Kyle Orton DEN 23.3
8. Drew Brees NO 23.0
9. Matt Schaub HOU 20.0
10. Tony Romo DAL 19.3



RB
1. Arian Foster HOU 23.0
2. Adrian Peterson MIN 22.7
3. Jahvid Best DET 20.0
4. Chris Johnson TEN 19.3
5. Darren McFadden OAK 18.3
6. Frank Gore SF 17.7
7. LeSean McCoy PHI 16.7
8. Rashard Mendenhall PIT 16.3
9. Matt Forte CHI 16.0
10. Peyton Hillis CLE 15.3




WR
1. Austin Collie IND 21.0
2. Anquan Boldin BAL 16.7
3. DeSean Jackson PHI 15.7
4. Brandon Lloyd DEN 14.0
5. Miles Austin DAL 13.3
6. Hakeem Nicks NYG 13.0
7. Jeremy Maclin PHI 12.7
Roddy White ATL 12.7
9. Brandon Marshall MIA 12.3
Kevin Walter HOU 12.3



TE
1. Antonio Gates SD 16.0
2. Dustin Keller NYJ 13.7
3. Dallas Clark IND 10.7
4. Jermichael Finley GB 9.7
5. Chris Cooley WSH 8.3
6. Greg Olsen CHI 8.0
7. Tony Gonzalez ATL 7.7
Tony Moeaki KC 7.7
Aaron Hernandez NE 7.7
Marcedes Lewis JAX 7.7



K
1. Mike Nugent CIN 11.0
Neil Rackers HOU 11.0
3. Matt Bryant ATL 10.3
Jeff Reed PIT 10.3
5. Sebastian Janikowski OAK 10.0
6. Graham Gano WSH 9.3
Nick Folk NYJ 9.3
Mason Crosby GB 9.3
9. Robbie Gould CHI 8.0
10. Adam Vinatieri IND 7.7



DST
1. Steelers 14.7
2. Seahawks 14.3
3. Chiefs 10.3
4. Eagles 9.7
5. Lions 9.3
6. Titans 8.3
Packers 8.3
Colts 8.3
Patriots 8.3
Redskins 8.3

Week 3 Rubdown - NFC South

1. ATLANTA FALCONS (2-1)
WK 2 W v. Arizona 41-7, WK W at New Orleans 27-24
Offense Rank 6th, Defense Rank 21st

The last two weeks saw two teams really step forward in the conversation of who is the best in the NFC. We talked about one of them yesterday, the Bears. The other is the Falcons. They performed an unadulterated beatdown on the Cardinals in Week 2, then pulled off a thrilling victory in Week 3 against the Super Bowl Champs, in their own house. Matt Ryan has shaken off the sophomore slump of 2009, and has put up a 94.3 passer rating, which is better than his rookie year. He's completing 5% more of his pass attempts this year than last year. The defense has given up yardage, but it also has been very opportunistic. The Falcons D has generated 7 turnovers, 6 of them interceptions, including 2 in the win over the Saints. This team is going to be tough to beat all season, and has a lot of weapons. Roddy White is a top 5 receiver, Michael Turner had a bounceback game in week 3, and Tony Gonzalez had probably his best game as a Falcon in that win. We all know a different team wins the NFC South every year, it very well could be the Falcon's turn in 2010.


Your Steroids Can't Help You Now, Roided Up Kicker

2. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (2-1)
WK 2 W at San Francisco 25-22, WK 3 L v. Atlanta 24-27
Offense Rank 14th, Defense Rank 22nd

It's a little scary how close the Saints are to an 0-3 start. Minnesota had them on the ropes in Week 1, but refused to deliver the Adrian Peterson knockout punch. They needed a last second field goal to beat a Niners team that is a complete mess, and of course, the loss this past weekend at home to the arch rival Falcons. True, they would be 3-0 had Garrett Hartley not missed a chip shot field goal in OT. But look at those offense/defense rankings. The offense has been nothing special, 14th in the league. Reggie Bush is out for the year, which whatever you want to think about Reggie Bush does impact the Saints adversely. Pierre Thomas is averaging a dismal 3.2 yards per carry, so the entire offense is resting on Drew Brees, and so far, it's been just so-so. The defense is getting gashed by opposing running backs. The Saints rank last in the league against the run, and Atlanta rushed for over 200 yards against them.

So that's the bad news. The good news is that the Saints have a cupcake run coming up with games against Carolina, Arizona, Tampa, and Cleveland. That should leave them at a 6-1 start, which is nothing to feel bad about. But I don't think this team is going back to the Super Bowl based on what I've seen so far.


If Only the Football Team Were As Good

3. TAMPA BAY BUCS (2-1)
WK 2 W at Carolina 20-7, WK L v. Pittsburgh 13-38
Offense Rank 27th, Defense Rank 19th

If you need further proof that at least 75% of a team's performance (most teams, not the Steelers) depends on their quarterback, look at the Bucs and the team below them in this division, the Panthers. The Bucs have 2 wins pretty much only because Josh Freeman has been adequate at quarterback, while the teams they beat, Cleveland and Carolina, are a complete disaster at that position. The Bucs are good enough to hang with and beat teams that are in the bell jar like they did the first two weeks, but we saw just how far they have to go when Pittsburgh blew their doors off in Week 3, with the Bucs defense making Charlie Batch look like an All Pro. Tampa's spent 3 of their 4 first and second round picks the last 2 years on defensive tackles, and yet they are 28th in the league in run defense. That's a bad sign. Freeman, however, looks like he could be the answer long term at QB, and he's got some interesting receivers around him, so that's a start.


Now It's Time for my Douchebag Dance!

4. CAROLINA PANTHERS (0-3)
WK 2 L v. Tampa Bay 7-20, WK 3 L v. Cincinnati 7-20
Offense Rank 31st, Defense Rank 14th

Not a whole lot of analysis needed here. The Panthers put up a grand total of 14 points in back to back home games against a couple of teams that are OK at best. Matt Moore was benched after a horrible first two weeks and rookie Jimmy Claussen hasn't been any better. Because of this, the "Double Trouble" running game has been no trouble for anybody, running into brick walls regularly.

Expanding to 18 games is the best idea ever

I must be the only guy in the world that would rather be shot in the face than see another 16 game season. All those bitches that want to feel the bukake of laziness because they don't want to man up and play two more fucking games because they don't want to walk off a broken leg. People who cry about seasons moving from 16 games to 18 games usually have these pussy gripes:

1) Waaaah my cock is stuck between my legs to look like a vagina because I might get hurt in 15 games and a bye week.

2) LOLLERCOSTER PATRICK HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO PLAY FANTASY FOOTBALL IF THERE ARE TWO MORE GAMES SOMEONE IS GOING TO GET HURT

3) Their penis is too small to enjoy 18 games

There's nothing worse than fantasy football guy crying about anything. Waaah my players will get hurt and I actually have to research Vegas odds combined with trends and offensive and defensive statistics and take a chance on an unproven player (also known as "play fantasy football like a man"). Look you pansy, fantasy football ends three weeks early anyway because all the good teams rest their starters. What's two more games to research you fucking idiot?

And there's nothing more titty slapping than a football player cry about too many games. Your sport has the least amount of games compared to every other sport. Your sport is like high school amount of games and you get paid millions for it. If you get hurt, that just means a vacation during the season for you. Stop crying and play two more games instead of making me watch four preseason games. By the way, my cock is big.

Week 3 Rubdown - NFC North

Behold the Sword of Urlacher

1. CHICAGO BEARS (3-0)
WK 2 W at Dallas W 27-20, WK 3 W v. Green Bay 20-17
Offense Rank 11th, Defense Rank 15th

Thru 3 weeks, the last team standing in the NFC is not the Saints, not the Packers, not the Vikings, not the Cowboys, not the 49ers, not any of those preseason darlings. It's the Bears. They've earned it too. It's not like they've beat up on the dregs of the NFL here, they have wins against the Packers and Cowboys, two teams pretty much everyone had in the playoffs heading into the season. Is it real? Well, for starters, throw out everything you think you know about the Bears from last season. The reason is, Brian Urlacher is healthy. There is a very simple formula when it comes to the Bears, Brian Urlacher Healthy=Bears Good, Brian Urlacher Hurt=Bears Bad. There is little or no variation here. As long as Urlacher remains healthy, the Bears have the best pair of linebackers in the league in him and Lance Briggs. Without him, they are lost, like they were last year.

Offensively, Jay Cutler has been good so far. He could have had 5 INTs in the Monday Night win over the Packers, had some balls been held on to or plays not negated by penalties, but he didn't so we'll give him a pass for now. The Martz Offense is working, and all of a sudden the Bears are pretty strong on both sides of the ball. Not only that, but their next game against a team who currently has a winning record is Week 11 at Miami. Things could not be looking any better for the Bears right now.


What? 15 Yards For Illegal Grass In the Face? You're Kidding Me.

2. GREEN BAY PACKERS (2-1)
WK 2 W v. Buffalo 34-7, WK 3 L at Chicago 17-20
Offense Rank 12th, Defense Rank 2nd

If the Packers didn't get flagged 18 times for 152 yards worth of penalties (and it could have been more, I'm sure the Bears had some declines), and allow a punt return for a touchdown, and drop a couple of should have been interceptions, they'd be 3-0 right now, and have the inside track on an NFC North title. But all those things happened, and they're not 3-0, and they're in second place. That still can change very soon though. The Packers are a very good team. Clay Matthews is a demon, he already has 6 sacks, and the Packers rank 2nd in the league in defense (excluding penalty yards, a big exclusion given Monday Night's performance). The offense has been humming behind Aaron Rodgers and his merry band of receivers, no running game required, but turned it over at the worst possible time late in the Bears game, leading to the winning field goal (another PI penalty and a dropped INT helped too after the James Jones fumble).

The Packers have Super Bowl talent on both sides of the ball. It's possible they have the best offense in the league and the best defense. However, as the loss to the Bears showed, there are things that Super Bowl teams don't do, like racking up 150 yards of penalties, turning it over late in the game, and not capitalizing on mistakes by the other team. That's what separates a great team from the Packers right now.


One Man Gang

3. MINNESOTA VIKINGS (1-2)
WK 2 L v. Miami 10-14, WK 3 W v. Detroit 24-10
Offense Rank 16th, Defense Rank 5th

Hmmm, it is a bye week for the Vikings this week. Think they will have to send Jared Allen and helicopter down to Hattiesburg to get Brett Favre to come back after it? It's possible. Things are not looking good for the Vikings. So far it's looking like the Brett Favre as Vikings QB thing is like a bowl of guacamole, absolutely sublimely transcendent at first, but brown and disgusting after too much time passes. Favre's passer rating so far this season is 60.4, which rates him one notch below Jason Campbell, who has been benched, and one notch above Trent Edwards, who has been released. There may be some hope for the Vikings though if they decide to go back to the pre-Favre offense and lean exclusively on Adrian Peterson. AD is averaging 5.6 yards per carry so far, which is his best since his 2007 rookie season. You can bet there will be some re-tooling of the offense going on during the bye week, and Peterson should rest up, because he'll be carrying a heavy, heavy load the rest of the way.


Same Ol' Lions

4. DETROIT LIONS (0-3)
WK 2 L v. Philadelphia 32-35, WK 3 L at Minnesota 10-24
Offense Rank 22nd, Defense Rank 30th

I know that we have to measure the progress the Lions make with the same instruments they use to measure the movements of glaciers, but can you really say they are making progress? The defense should be better. They have a totally rebuilt front line that includes 3 time Pro Bowler Kyle Vandenbosch, and rookie monster Donkey Kong Suh (for the record they've combined for 3 1/2 sacks in 3 games, not horrible). But the defense isn't better, it's 30th in the league, and it should be receiving a fruit basket from Michael Vick for resurrecting his career in Week 2. I guess it should be improving as the season continues, maybe? Do we really believe that? I don't know. The offense has held up surprisingly well while Matt Stafford's shoulder heals in preparation for his next shoulder injury. Jahvid Best had an insane Week 2, and a sedate Week 3. His real level of production probably lies somewhere in between. An interesting matchup will be Week 5, when a presumably 0-4 Lions team (they are at Lambeau this week) takes on a Rams team that has started from the same post-apocalyptic starting point as the Lions, but seem to be making more progress.