Monday, December 31, 2007

NFL Coaching Carousel..of DOOM

We officially have our first post-season axing of a head coach.

And the winner is.....





drumroll please...


















OH NO YOU DI'NT!!!!

Oh it's true. Brian Billick is GONE as the Ravens head coach. He exits after a miserable 5-11 season, and becomes the first head coach who has a Super Bowl win on his resume to be straight up fired since the Panthers axed George Seifert after the 2001 season. If you want to talk a team firing a coach who won them a Super Bowl, you have to go all the way back to 1993, when da Bears fired da Coach, Mike Ditka.

So with Billick gone, you've got to think that Dolphins' coach Cameron Cameron is next. I'm not thinking Parcells is going to want to bring him back for another go around after a 1-15 season, especially not with reports that Parcells isn't happy that Cameron spends time monitoring the Dolphins' website making sure that players give club-approved answers to reporters questions, and that guys on Cameron's own coaching staff don't like him because he's too high and mighty with the churchy stuff.

Another guy on the chopping block is Carolina's John Fox. He says he's confident he'll be back, but the owner, Jerry Richardson, has been conspicuous by his silence on the subject. SF's Mike Nolan could also be out, as it is looking like a he goes or the former #1 overall pick Alex Smith goes (it says here that Alex Smith should be the one to go and getting rid of Nolan would be a mistake). The Rams' Scott Linehan has got to be in big trouble too.

In other high profile exits, Lions offensive coordinator Mike Martz is gone, as is Bills GM Marv Levy (on his own accord), and Dolphins GM Randy Mueller.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Patrick N Soccer Power Ratings

I know, not a lot of games played, but Christmas break has given me a lot of time to write, and I'm bored.

RankTeamComment
1Inter Milan (13-0-4) Serie AWhen striker Ibrahimovic was asked what he thought about the possibility of Jose Mourinho possibly taking over rivals AC Milan with their first signing being Drogba, Ibrahimovic was like, "I'm sorry, Kaka is still overrated. Enjoy your shitty World Club Championship."
2Arsenal (14-1-5) Premier LeagueI like how people were tripping about them being down for like a week. A week later, first place again without even trying.
3Real Madrid (12-2-2) La LigaReal Madrid, #1 offense and #2 defense in La Liga, scored once and played D to shut out the #2 offense and #1 defense arch rival Barcelona. It says something when an offensive team man of the match was between a goalkeeper (Casillas) and defender (Pepe). I ain't gunna lie; I was impressed.
4Manchester United (14-3-3) Premier LeagueCristiano Ronaldo had a chance to join Real Madrid this season and said fuck that, leading to him not getting Fifa player of the year. Then he's given a chance to shut down West Ham United with a pk but misses it by a mile turning the game around and now Man U went back to second. Just saying, don't let this bitch take care of your kids because he'll choke that up too by feeding them rat poison.
5Barcelona (10-3-4) La LigaDeco busted a Kobe saying if Barca doens't win shit, he'll leave. Meanwhile, Ronaldinho is pretty much a lock to be gone during the January transfer window to Chelsea, AC Milan, or Inter Milan.
6Roma (10-1-6) Serie ARoma is the Fred Claus of Serie A. They'll always be in Inter's shadow and will have to steal and be an asshole to even be noticed.
7FC Porto (10-0-2) Portuguese Liga21st league title in the bag already. Too bad they're going to get buttfucked again in Champions League making their league still look worthless.
8Bayern Munich (10-1-6) BundesligaSo Bayern bought everyone and their mom, and they're still not satisfied. A bunch of dudes are linked to transfer to Bayern. Why.
9Juventus (10-2-5) Serie AQuietly ready to overtake Roma.
10Chelsea (12-3-5) Premier LeagueOkay. So they won't win the Premiership, but they have a better chance than "built for knockout games" Liverpool and "my new favorite team because they got Nery Castillo" Manchester city.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

I went to the Holiday Bowl

Key Points:

  • I went to the Holiday Bowl
  • Met the guys that brought the scoring cannon
  • Arizona St fan wanted to throw down with our group

This was the third live football game I had ever been at. The first was a Redskins vs. Rams game at Anaheim Stadium back in the day. I think I was 10 or so and would probably have been a Rams fan from that experience if they hadn't moved. The second was a USC game at the Coliseum. The Coliseum is a terrible place to watch a game. I had the feeling that I was going to fall out of my seat because of the steepness. It was a rather claustrophobic experience. My third experience was with three other guys:

  • A frat guy turned administrator
  • A banker
  • A guy training to be a cop for gang unit

The admin dude was the leader of our party (naturally) and had our tailgating all set up. This was the first time, at the young age of 31, that I had ever tailgated. I'd have to say that I missed out. I don't drink, but it was still a blast hanging out while the others downed 24 Newcastles in 2 hours. We even invited some dude who came by himself from LA. Nothing represents male bonding more than drinking, eating grilled shit, and cat-calling all the hot chicks.

One of the guys was a Texas fan, so me and the admin decided to be Texas fans that day. The banker decided he'd support the Pac 10 because of where he was from. The lines were drawn.

As we got in, we find that admin guy pulled through because we ended up getting front row corner seats at Jack Murphy Stadium (fuck Quallcomm or whatever). The only down side was that we were RIGHT under the scoring cannon. Now, at first it may seem pretty cool to be near the cannon. But this is Texas vs. Arizona State, two scoring power houses. Yeah, the cannon went off a lot. Fuck.

Our group ended up befriending two guys who drove 24 hours to bring Texas' cannon. These two couldn't join his four other friends down on the field because the stadium had strict rules on how many could be down on the field for the cannon. One of their friends down at the cannon was living proof on how hot girls from Texas were.. Brunette with legs from her neck down and bright blue eyes you could see from the sky dressed in a cute cowgirl outfit. Word.

As the game went on, we cheered and threw smack with the Arizona fans in good fun. My favorite was this encounter:

(Guy dressed as a cowboy comes back from getting a beer)

Arizona St Old-ass fan:
Your boyfriend's back, Brokeback.

Me: You callin' me gay?

Arizona St Old-ass fan *laughs*

Me: Guess your daughter likes gay dick.

Everyone: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh

It was all in good fun. But then it was the third quarter and Arizona St fans stopped talking. It was bad. Then as one of our new found friend gets a peanut throw at him by Arizona St fan and his Devil chick tries to trip him down the stairs, Cowboy says, "bitch." Arizona St. fan, his friend, and each of their chicks come down from 10 rows up and decide they want to throw down. "DON'T CALL MY GIRL A BITCH I'LL FUCK YOU UP." All the while, his chick is continually poking at the Cowboy antagonizing the situation. She's that chick who talks mad shit and wants your ass to clean up.

Sidenote: One time I dated a chick like this and the guy said, "Shut up, bitch!" She turned to me and said, "HE CALLED ME A BITCH YOU GUNNA LET HIM DO THAT?" And I said, "Why? I wanted to say the same thing." Women, don't talk shit if you don't want to clean up your own shit. I have no problem throwing down if someone randomly grabs your ass or says shit to you without provocation, but if you started it, fuck you.

Right before we're about to throw down, security comes and Arizona St. fan lies his ass off. Then security says, "Our undercover cop has a different story." The four got kicked out after that. Haaaaa. I guess remember not to do stupid shit, friends, because they have undercover cops in the stands dressed as fans.

A fun time for me and I'll be sure to make the Holiday Bowl a yearly tradition for me.

8 In the Box- Week 16




1. The Patriots have 15 down, and the NY Giants to go in their quest to be the first team ever to complete a 16 game NFL regular season without a defeat. The Patriots breezed past the 1-14 Dolphins, 28-7 in Week 14.

One thing I'm seeing in the Patriots the last couple weeks is a greater emphasis on running the ball. Laurence Maroney has posted back to back 100 yard games after not putting up 100 since Week 3. Kudos to the Patriots for implementing that strategy shift. The AFC Playoffs are going to be a huge challenge this year, and it could be argued that the Patriots are not the hottest team going in. If they are going to go 19-0, they are going to have to continue to run the ball effectively.





2. How could the Patriots not be the hottest team going into the playoffs you say? They are on a 15 game winning streak, after all. Well, that may be so. But there are 2 teams in the AFC that look really, really good right now, and the San Diego Chargers are one of them.

SD has won 5 in a row, and it's they, not the Pats, that have been taking teams to the woodshed lately. Their last 2 wins have come by a combined score of 84-17. In Week 16, they throttled the Broncos 23-3.
Norv Turner's realized that the Chargers are a much better team if they rely on LT and the running game to move the ball, and Philip Rivers to just manage the game. Heading into December, Tomlinson had only 2 100+ yard rushing days. In December, he's 4 for 4. He's back to being the best running back in the league, and after last year's ignominioius one and done in the playoffs, he's pissed off, and would luuuuuv another shot at the Patriots.




3. The other team that's rocketing up the charts is the Jacksonville Jaguars. They've won 6 of their last 7, and their win in the snow two weeks ago in Pittsburgh was the kind of win that should serve as a landmark in the history of the franchise.

They are the last team to have beaten the Chargers, and they gave the Colts all they could handle in a 27-24 loss on Dec. 2. The running game has been unstoppable of late. They rolled up 201 rushing yards on the Raiders last week in a 49-11 pasting, and 224 against the mighty Steelers defense the week before. The Jags are probably going to meet the Steelers again in the first round of the playoffs, and have to feel good about their chances of winning a playoff game for the first time this decade.





4. The 6th and final spot in the AFC playoffs will be up for grabs in Week 17. That's thanks to the Browns laying a big fat brown turd in a 19-14 loss at the Bengals last week. Now their playoff fate is entirely out of their hands. If the Titans, who won a 10-6 crapfest at home agains the Jest last week, can go into Indy and beat the Colts' JV tomorrow, the Browns are done. I always knew that the fate of the world would one day rest in the hands of Jim Sorgi.


5. Meanwhile, over in the NFC, things are starting to look really irrelevant. Looking at the Cowboys, well, in their last 3 games they've had a one point win over a disintegrating Lions team, a home loss to the Eagles in the Jessica Simpson Bowl, and a blah win over a bad Panthers team in a game that saw TO get injured. Tony Romo's thrown 7 TDs against 5 picks in his last 4 games.




6. Things aren't looking much more promising for the NFC's other great hope, the Green Bay Packers. They had 15 punts blocked in an inexplicable 35-7 ass reaming at the hands of the Bears last week. This should preclude anyone from picking them to go the Super Bowl. I mean, this team has lost twice to the Bears. One of those losses was 35-7. They may as well pack it up right now.




7. How bad is the NFC? The Redskins are now one win away from making the playoffs after beating the Vikings on the road 32-21 on Sunday Night. How unlikely is this? Let's review. This is a team that on Dec. 3 was 5-7, on a 4 game losing streak, had just had their best player die, and lost the game dedicated to their dead player because their coach called 2 timeouts in a row to ice Buffalo's kicker when it is illegal to do that. Oh and then in the next game after that their quarterback was lost for the season and they had to resort to playing Todd Collins, who has been cryogenically frozen since 1997. Now they are on a tear and can go to the playoffs if they beat the Cowboys B-team this week.





8. Word is that Bill Parcell's choice to be the new Dolphins' GM is current Cowboys VP of College and Pro scouting, Jeff Ireland. What do Ireland and I have in common? We are both former Chicago Bears ballboys. Ireland is going to be GM of an NFL franchise, I have a poorly written football blog. I feel as if I have made some horrible choices in my life. On the plus side, I saw Ratatouille last night and thought it was really good.


EXTRA POINT


Don't think I've forgotten about the deeply meaningful Meaningless Bowl Season! Let's run down the scintillating action so far:


POINSETTIA BOWL
Utah 35, Navy 32
The terrorists win. Hey remember when the 49ers drafted Utah's QB #1 in the draft? That was fucking ratarded.


NEW ORLEANS BOWL
Florida Atlantic 44, Memphis 27
FAU is coached by Howard Schnellenberger, who has the field at the University of Louisville named after him, and was the coach of U of Miami when friggin Bernie Kosar led them to a national championship. And he wears a sportcoat on the sidelines. If that ain't a pimp I don't know what is.


PAPA JOHN'S.COM BOWL
Cincinnati 31, So. Miss 21
The Big East gets a BCS bid. Cincinnati was the 3rd place team in the Big East. So. Miss was the 4th place team in the Eastern Division of shitty Conference USA, and played Cincy within 10 points in what was basically a home game for them. The Big East is a great-o conference.


NEW MEXICO BOWL
New Mexico 23, Nevada 0
Geez, New Mexico better fucking win the New Mexico Bowl.


LAS VEGAS BOWL
BYU 17, UCLA 16
This was one of those bowl games where one of the teams playing in it had already fired their coach. When a school is so thrilled about playing in your bowl game that it fires its coach, that should tell you that your bowl, as Patrick would say, should uninstall its life.


HAWAII BOWL
East Carolina 41, Boise State 38
Love that WAC. Way to almost beat fucking East Carolina, mighty Boise State. Is East Carolina going to be on the cover of NCAA Footbal 09 now? Hawaii is going to do awesome in its BCS game.

MOTOR CITY BOWL
Purdue 51, Central Michigan 48
The Boilermakers were 3-5 in the Big Ten this year. They are in a bowl game why?

HOLIDAY BOWL
Texas 52, Arizona St. 34
Love that Pac 10, too. Their second place team was down 21-0 in the first quarter to Texas. When it comes to college football, if it isn't the SEC or Big 12 I don't want to fucking hear about it.

CHAMPS SPORTS BOWL
Boston College 24, Michigan St. 21
The end of a magical 7-6 season for the Spartans. Remember when BC was #2 in the country? That was funny.


TEXAS BOWL
TCU 20, Houston 13
Yee-hah!

EMERALD BOWL
Oregon State 21, Maryland 14
I watched some of this game. They set up like a mini-high school stadium inside Pac Bell Park or whatever it's called now, the park where Barry Bonds used to play. So there was like a set of bleachers and then a big empty stadium surrounding it. It was the saddest thing I've seen in my life. Sadder than seeing Benazir Bhutto die on CNN.


Happy New Year to everyone! Thanks for a great 2007 here at FootballFutbol. This site has some very entertaining stuff on it. Thanks to Patrick N. for some great work, thanks to Dook!e for heckling us from the rafters, and thanks to anyone who has read. 2008 will rule.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Hall of Shit - Warren Moon

He is the only CFL and NFL Hall of Famer. If you didn't agree with my opinions about Boomer and Marino, you will at least agree with this.

Champions League Knockout Rounds


PairingTeamsComment
1Celtic vs BarcelonaCeltic has one of my favorite players, Shunsuke Nakamura against my hated Barcelona. If you read my rankings, Barca has too many weapons and a bitter UEFA Cup exit three seasons ago to remember about. This will be pretty easy for Barca to win.
2Lyon vs Manchester UnitedOli Porter laughed at me in gmail chat for putting Lyon in my top ten. Well who's laughing now you fucker! He is after Man U stomps on poor Lyon showing how much better English soccer is compared to French.
3Schalke vs. FC PortoOkay, for reals, I don't know shit about Schalke except that they are German. I do know if Porto wants to shed the Ohio State soft ass league off them, they'll need to take a dump like it's a German face-shitting video. Watch for Ricardo Quaresma who is comparable to Cristiano Ronaldo and is probably headed to Spain or England in the near future.
4Liverpool vs. Inter MilanWhile Oli has a big ole boner for Liverpool, I'm just not buying them this year. Conflicts with Liverpool manager Benitez and the owners against my #2 Inter means domination nation. Just a hint if you're watching, this match up is going to be boring as fuck.
5AS Roma vs Real MadridGOD WTF. Why does my team get paired with fucking gangster Roma. They'll be stabbing if they lose and their team is bad ass. My guess is that my Real Madrid get pwnd or RM wins on penalties. RM hasn't even hit their form yet and their still in first place, so here's hoping they figure it out before they get embarassed.
6Arsenal vs AC MilanMan fuck Kaka and his shitty ass player off the year and his shitty ass World Club Championship. Floppin' Fabragas needs to show Kaka he aint shit. Arsenal wins this or Michael Vick contracts AIDS from prison. win/win
7Olympiakos vs ChelseaThe only reason I know Olympiakos is because they picked up Nery Castillo awhile ago. Castillo is a Mexican player that shit on Brazil and pretty much rapes all. Nery recently paid his way to join Man U rivals Manchester City. The cool part? Nery still remembers getting seven tryouts from Manchester United and being forgotten. Now he plays for a pretty good fucking team that's their city rivals. Awesome. Why haven't I talked about this match up? Because Chelsea is going to rape them. Bad. Like it's prison.
8Fenerbahce vs SevillaLMFAO! Some bitches from the Turkey super league made it into champions league knock out stages! Here's the scoop on these Turkey fuckers: They have Roberto Carlos (from Real Madrid), Stephen Appaih (from Juventus), Colin Kazim-Richards (from Sheffield United), and Mateja Kezman (from Athletico Madrid). Everyone else is from Donkey Dick FC United. Seriously, if Sevilla doesn't win this, fuck them they're the Ravens of soccer and need to uninstall their lives.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Third Hand Newz




SIMON BAR BITCH TITS RETURNS TO NFL
It's looking like The Big Tuna, Bill Parcells, is going to be put into a position of great authority by a 5th NFL team and become the Director of Football Operations for the Miami Dolphins.

The Dolphins have had great success in the past bringing in former Dallas Cowboys head coaches to run their entire franchise, like when they brought in Jimmy Johnson, who stayed for like a season and a half and then turned the keys over to Dave Wannstedt, who then ran the franchise into a telephone pole before leaving to destroy the University of Pittsburgh program.


Parcells is known as a great coach because he won a couple of Super Bowls back when a hot new band called Poison was teaching us how to love again, and Max Headroom had his own one hour show weekly show on ABC.

It's only been a mere 17 years since he last won a Super Bowl ring, which gives him the gravitas to refer to players like Terry Glenn as "she", even though he himself is the one with tits.

Owner Wayne Huizenga has reportedly had a conversation with head coach Cam Cameron telling him his job would be safe under the new regime. With each passing sentence I become more and more confident in the direction of this franchise.






TO SAYS YOKO A NO-GO

Terrell Owens sounded off on The Jessica Simpson Curse. He said that having Simpson in the stands hurt Tony Romo's focus during the Cowboys 10-6 loss last Sunday. He added that she is now persona non grata amongst Cowboys fans and in the Cowboy locker room, and that he has a special message for her come playoff time. In his pants.






MCNABB LOVES THE EAGLES VERY MUCH

During the fateful Eagles/Cowboys game, FOX sideline reporter Pam Oliver reported that McNabb had told her that he feels his days in Philly are numbered and that he feels the Eagles are beginning to distance themselves from him. McNabb then denied that he ever told her such things. I can't believe that Donovan McNabb would ever leave it to the media to make excuses for him. He never ever does that. I am completely shocked.



PRO BOWL SQUADS ANNOUNCED


The squads for the 2008 Pro Bowl were announced yesterday. This is a huge honor for all those selected. So huge that half of them choose not to show up for the game.


Here's a quick rundown of the starting lineups:


NFC OFFENSE

QB- Brett Favre
He's just having so much fun out there! He's like a big electrified fun machine! FUN!

RB- Adrian Peterson
Knocked me out of my fantasy playoffs thanks to 2 bullshit touchdowns in the Monday Night game. You are on my shit list for life now. Ask Donovan McNabb how that's worked out for him.

FB- Tony Richardson
Do any teams even use a fullback anymore?

WR- Larry Fitzgerald, Terrell Owens
TO's done the best babyface turn I have ever seen this year.

TE- Jason Witten
He's been the best in the league this year, after scoring only 1 TD in 06.

T- Walter Jones, Flozell Adams
G- Leonard Davis, Steve Hutchinson
C- Andrew Gurode
Three Cowboys on the offensive line making the Pro Bowl must make things pretty easy for Tony Romo huh? I wonder if Drew Bledsoe ever lies awake at night thinking he should be the one boinking Jessica Simpson.


DEFENSE
DE- Aaron Kampman, Patrick Kerney
DT- Kevin Williams, Pat Williams
Kerney's got 13 1/2 sacks and next to Randy Moss was the best free agent signing of this past offseason

LB- Julian Peterson, Lofa Tatupu, DeMarcus Ware
Elihu, will you come Lofa my stretch marks??

CB- Al Harris, Marcus Trufant
Geez, Seattle's got four NFC starters on its defense. Shouldn't their defense be, you know, good?

S- Darren Sharper, Sean Taylor
The NFC's going to have to play with 10 guys I guess.


VERY SPECIAL TEAMS
K- Nick Folk
P- Andy Lee
KR- Devin Hester
ST- Brendon Ayanbadejo
Ooooo the AFC better not kick to Devin Hester...they should just punt the ball backwards out of their own end zone.


AFC

OFFENSE

QB- Tom Brady
Is he still going to break Peyton Manning's TD passes in a season record? What happened with that?
RB- LaDainian Tomlinson
Has now rushed for over 1200 yards 7 times in 7 seasons. I'm sure the Falcons are happy they made Michael Vick the #1 pick in the 2001 draft instead of him. I forgot though, you can't measure Michael Vick's value with statistics. Vince Young's either. Chris Berman said so.

FB- Lorenzo Neal
I believe his picture is next to the dictionary definition of "brick shithouse".

WR- Randy Moss, Reggie Wayne
Moss has had only one 100+ yard game in his last 4. A knock on him was that he's not in good shape, so maybe he's wearing down at the end of the season.


TE- Antonio Gates
Overrated.

T- Matt Light, Jason Peters
G- Alan Faneca, Logan Mankins
C- Jeff Saturday
Yaaay!


DEFENSE

DE- Jared Allen, Kyle Vanden Bosch
It was a huge year for white defensive ends.

DT- Albert Haynesworth, Vince Wilfork
Haynesworth celebrated by stepping on someones face.

LB- DeMeco Ryans, James Harrison, Mike Vrabel
I guess Ray Lewis won't be able to do his dance during pregame introductions.

CB- Champ Bailey, Asante Samuel
If you have a defense with Champ Bailey on it shouldn't that defense be better than 22nd in the league?

S- Ed Reed, Bob Sanders
I don't know that there are 2 guys in the league who get more verbal fellatio during NFL broadcasts.

VERY SPECIAL TEAMS

K- Rob Bironas
P- Shane Lechler
KR- Joshua Cribbs
ST- Kassim Osgood
Cleveland gets only one guy and it's the kick returner? I call boolsheet.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Patrick N Soccer Ratings


RankTeamComment
1Manchester United (12-2-3) Premier LeagueCristiano Ronaldo, after getting third place in the fifa world player voting, said he wants to go to La Liga probably thinking he'll get a better shot at the world player award. Spain does have the best competition. Ronaldo really wants to leave because Tevez is even too ugly to be a good wingman.
2Inter Milan (12-0-4) Serie ALMFAO Adriano was voted piece of shit of the year by Italian Press. Straight up undefeated in their own league and only one loss in Champions League tables (5-1-0). That's some bullshit right there.
3Arsenal (12-1-4) Premier LeagueFabregas decided to be a little bitch and trip a Chelsea guy up. Then when Fabregas got pushed in the neck like "Get off me bitch!" he decided to play the stereotypical overacting in soccer. Too bad in Premier League the refs just laugh.
4Barcelona (10-2-4) La LigaI been playing shitty ass Fifa 08 and in my 6th season, Mexican Dos Santos is a 97/100 player. Feel free to dump Ronaldinho to Chelsea now.
5Real Madrid (12-2-3) La LigaRobinho is now a father and when his kid started to cry, Robinho found his kid was just done doing some stepovers and flopped.
6Bayern Munich (10-1-6) BundesligaPeople who say that money does not solve problems just doesn't know how to use it. The other day I used it to buy HGH because I needed to heal faster from my stubbed toe.
7FC Porto (10-0-2) Portuguese LigaPorto is on this list for the same reason Ohio State is in the College Football National Title game.
8Roma (9-1-6) Serie ARoma is straight up gangster stabbing five Man U fans. The match didn't even matter and shit. Word life. Expect Roma to play in an empty stadium for awhile.
9Juventus (9-2-5) Serie ARegulated to 2nd Division, stripped of titles, and lost a bunch of 90/100 Fifa 08-type players for cheating and still they kick ass. I seriously want to wear their jersey and put Beckham's name on the back with the front of the jersey saying, "Cheated and still owning."
10Lyon (12-2-3) Premier LeagueA different coach every three years and still owns. I tried that with chicks and got the clap.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Patrick N NFL Rankings

Season is almost over. My bad. Better late then never.



RankingTeamComment
1PatriotsSaying these guys are barely winning is like saying I barely put my penis in your mom.
2PackersBret Farve is breaking all these records shitting on anything Dan Marino ever had the justified him being in the Hall of Fame.
3ColtsColts quietly owning while having an injury list longer than the Mitchell Report.
4CowboysPeople makin' a big shit about Romo bringing his trophy chick to the game, but the same people have ugly girlfriends and wives.
5JaguarsSaved by a bullshit call kinda like saved by pulling out.
6ChargersLet LT run the ball and drop short passes to Antonio Gates. See, how fucking hard was that?
7BucsGruden was lucky Bucs owner Malcolm Glazer owns the best team in the soccer world right now, Manchester United so Gruden can wait for a shitty conference and an Ohio State schedule.
8SteelersI guarentee that guy that makes guarentees will not be playing for the Steelers. That dude fucked up their whole season.
9BrownsHAHAHA Browns are 9-5 what the fuck?
10VikingsAdrian Peterson showin' everyone how to back up a starter: become one.
11GiantsThis team is like a chick except the period comes 2 weeks early.
12SeahawksBooted in the first round, why bother.
13TitansIf Offensive Coordinator Norm Chow takes the UCLA head coaching job, Vince Young is fucked.
14RedskinsEven with everything they've gone through, from a player dying to a senile head coach, they still play like they have a big dick.
15SaintsIf these assholes make the playoffs, I'm uninstalling NFL 2008 off my cell phone.
16BillsI don't know one player on this team. Does that make them hard to scout or naws.
17BearsIt's pretty sad when your best offensive threat is kick returns.
18EaglesMcNabb taunting TO doing TO's celebration forgetting that he's not making the playoffs while TO is. Stupid fuck.
19TexansMario Williams is better than Reggie Bush and Vince Young. Fine, I said it. Fuck you, you have SARS.
20CardinalsThese guys were what we thought they were: shit. And we still let them off the damn hook.
21LionsWhat happened to 10 wins? Jon Kitna + HD = same feeling as getting raped by three men.
22BroncosLike the South Park guy said, Jay Cutler sucks ass, but maybe one day he'll be good.
23BengalsCarson Palmer is the next Boomer Esiason except Boomer made the Super Bowl.
24PanthersI'm so glad this team sucks my cock because Deshaun Foster stole my brother's hat in high school. WHO GOT THE LAST LAUGH BITCH.
25RaidersVince Young will have the same career as Culpepper and McNair: a shitty one.
26RamsThis show on turf just got cancelled. Start over already.
27ChiefsHerman Edwards is exactly like Tony Dungy except for the winning part.
2849ersPlease let Alex Smith go so he can join the Bears and be another overhyped Bears QB failure.
29JetsNext excuse?
30FalconsIf Cam Cameron can stay on the Dolphins, Bobby Petrino should have the balls to stick it out with the Falcons. Puss.
31DolphinsThe dream is dead. Fucking bullshit. I was so mad that in the ESPN Zone at I was yelling at the monitor and the people around me looked at me like I was some kind of dick because the Dolphins were crying like they just won the Super Bowl. I'm sorry, but in a league that's perfected parity, if you go 1-15, you should just uninstall your life.
32RavensFuck the Ravens. Fuck them. Anyone on this team should stick to anal for safe sex so they never reproduce. Billick can't cry about shit now. You lost to an 0-14 team. That makes you a piece of shit.

8 In the Box- Week 15







1. The much ballyhooed Spygate II/Ragnarok game has come and gone, and the Patriots did not, as feared, score 100 points on the Jets. In fact, Tom Brady didn't even throw a TD pass.
The weather was cold and wet and the game was boring and the telecast looked like it was filmed using the same lens they used to film Cybil Shepherd on Moonlighting. Belichick and Mangini shook hands after the game.







2. With girlfriend Jessica Simpson and her creepy father looking on, Tony Romo completely sucked up the joint, completing 13 of 36 pass attempts and throwing 3 INT's as the Cowboys suffered a bad home loss to the Eagles 10-6. The loss puts the #1 seed in the NFC playoffs in jeopardy, as the Packers and Cowboys are now tied at 12-2, although the Cowboys still hold the tiebreaker thanks to their win over the Pack.






3. Hey the Dolphins won! A 64 yard TD pass from Cleo Lemon to somebody named Greg Camarillo in OT means that while we may have a 16-0 team this year, we won't have an 0-16 team. The win may have saved Cam Cameron's job, at least for one more year, and it may mean the end for Ravens' coach Brian Billick. He was already on the hot seat, and being the team that loses to an 0-13 team didn't help.






4. Watching a game played in the snow is almost as fun as playing in the snow. The Browns weren't exactly dashing thru the white stuff, but they did get 2 knuckleball field goals from Phil Dawson, and a safety on a bad punt snap, and that was enough to beat the Bills 8-0. The win was a huge one for the Browns, as they are now only one win away from wrapping up their first playoff spot since 2002.









5. The Steelers looked like a playoff shoo-in only a few weeks ago, but their spot may be in jeopardy. Their cushion over the 9-5 Browns has disappeared, and they've lost for the 3rd time in 5 games. The latest defeat saw them falling 29-22 to the Jaguars on a cold, snowy day in Pittsburgh that seemed tailor-made for the blue collar Steelers and not a team from North Florida. The Jaguars just battered the Steelers in the same way that the 05 Steelers did late in that season before winning the Super Bowl. Jax ran for 224 yards against the vaunted Pittsburgh D, and Dave Garrard continued to look like one of the best QBs in the league, throwing 3 TDs on a miserable day for passing.









6. Brett Favre became the NFL's alltime leader in passing yards, eclipsing Dan Marino . The Packers also won easily again, throttling the Rams 33-14 on the road. Favre has passed for 61,405 yards in his NFL career, healed 32 lepers, and once turned a jug of water into a jug of Courvosier.









7. Nobody in the AFC is playing better than the San Diego Chargers. They destroyed the Lions
51-14, and ran for 274 yards. Coming into the season, many people thought this was the best team in the league. Right now, as we head into the playoffs, they again look like they could be the best team in the league. The question is, can they win with a shaky QB and a shakier coach? I really can't think of anyone who has won the Super Bowl in recent years without a superstar in one of those roles.







8. There are a whole lot of teams in the NFC who will be hoping for a Bears victory over the Vikings in tonight's Monday Night game. A Minnesota loss would create a 3 way tie for the final wild card spot between the Vikings, and the resurgent Redskins and Saints. A Viking win would pretty much eliminate Philadelphia, Arizona, Detroit, and Carolina. I have managed to use a special internet connection to the future to procure the above photo from tonight's game. Unfortunately, this is all the info I was able to get. From the looks of this picture, I kind of think the Vikings win this game. I'm not 100% sure though.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Third Hand Newz





PETRINO QUITS ON FALCONS
In a shocking move, Falcons coach Bobby Petrino left the team and the NFL to accept the head coaching job at the University of Arkansas on Tuesday.

Being that the Falcons almost to a man all hated Petrino's guts, it's not surprising that they had some choice words directed at him. Lawyer Milloy said he felt like he's been "sleeping with the enemy", which makes me ask the question of why he was sleeping with his coach. Joey Harrington questioned Petrino's manhood, and when JOEY HARRINGTON is questioning your manhood, you know you have grown a vagina.

An interesting twist on this is that Cowboys owner Jerry Jones was the guy who called Falcons owner Arthur Blank to request permission for the Razorbacks to interview Petrino. Blank said he would not give permission, but that Jones could speak to GM Rich McKay about it if he wished. McKay said he also did not give permission. But here we are, and Petrino is the head football coach of the University of Arkansas. Sounds like everything is on the up and up.



HE WHO CASTS THE FIRST STONE
Wellity, wellity, wellity. As we all brace ourselves for the 100-0 beating the Patriots are fittin to lay on the Jets in the Spygate Revenge game, it comes out that when the Jets played at New England last year, a Jets employee was escorted from the premises for shooting video from an unapproved location.

The Jets claim that they had the Patriots permission to do this, the Patriots deny they gave any such permission. I think the whole thing is completely moot. The Jets could have Biff's Sports Almanac at their disposal and there is still no way they are coming within 40 points of the Patriots this weekend.

WIDE RECEIVER CATFIGHT
Terrell Owens held court with reporters yesterday, and read the riot act to former Cowboys receiver and current ESPN guy Keyshawn Johnson. Keyshawn was ragging on TO this past weekend on ESPN's pregame show, asking why he hasn't given credit to Keyshawn's patron and last year's Cowboys coach, Bill Parcells, for some of the success of this years' team. TO answered yesterday by going off on Keyshawn, saying things such as that they both were drafted the same year, Keyshawn was a #1 pick, TO was a third round pick, but TO is still playing and Keyshawn isn't. He then challenged Keyshawn to leave ESPN and return to the Cowboys and try and take his job. Meowwwww.

Michell Report


I know this is baseball news, but steroids is a big issue in American sports, so I decided to make a small comment.

Today at 2pm George Michell, Red Sox director and ex-Senator hired by Bug Selig, will release 50-70 names of steroid users, including a list of potential hall of famers. Michell got most of the names from Kirk Radomski, a former club house attendant who spilled his guts because he had to plea bargain off two felony charges. Radmoski has phone and bill records that pretty much fucks anyone he names.


So here's a question: if so many people were using steroids, pitchers included, was Barry Bonds really cheating? If I'm taking super juice, but everyone's taking super juice, doesn't that mean we're on an even playing field?

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Third Hand Newz

All hail the return of Third Hand News. In case you've forgotten, this is news I've lifted off of SI.com's Truth and Rumors, who they have in turn lifted from various local newspapers.



VICK GETS 23 MONTHS
Michael Vick's sentencing for his involvement in Bad Newz Kennelz or whatever it was called came down yesterday. He's getting just under 2 years in a federal facility.

2 things on this. First, big ups to whatever jail Vick was staying in awaiting trial. You have to love the classic striped convict uniform. I can almost picture Vick wearing a black mask and sliding back and forth dropping bombs into waterbuckets like in Kaboom!



The second thing is ESPN's reaction to this. Particularly Tom Jackson's.



Now given, TJ and his buddy Chris Berman (pictured above) have been licking Vick's balls since 2001, so it wasn't surprising that Jackson was speaking such idiocy about Vick in his reaction on last night's Sportscenter. But his comments almost made my head explode.

First, Jackson said "Vick is probably the greatest athlete ever to play the quarterback position in the NFL". What???

If he's such a great athlete then why is his career passer rating of 75.7 lower than mmmm I don't know, let's pick a random sucky quarterback who got released this preseason....Byron Leftwich....who has a 79.7 rating? Is ability to throw a successful forward pass not a criteria for being "the greatest athlete ever to play quarterback in the NFL"? This statement is especially insane given that Jackson played most of his career with JOHN ELWAY for Christ sake, who was a better athlete than Vick AND a much, much, much better quarterback.

Still, that's a matter of opinion I guess, and thus a forgivable statement. TJ then completely melted my face off though when he went on to say something to the effect of, "If Vick comes back to the NFL, this is a chance for the ultimate story of redemption." Whaaaa? Redemption in the eyes of who? How does some team being desperate enough to pay a man convicted of a really vile crime constitute "redemption"?? The continued devolution of the NFL into an episode of "Playmakers" yes, but "redemption"? Are you serious?

If Vick gets out of jail and opens up an animal shelter, or flies to Africa with 500 thousand mosquito nets, or parachutes into Tehran and brings back the head of Mahmoud Ahmedinijad, THAT would be "redemption". Him getting a million dollars to play quarterback on a 5-11 team would not be.

ESPN gives me the same brain wave pattern as Elvis had when he watched Robert Goulet on TV.



A HIT IS A HIT
Shawne Merriman is accusing Titans coach Jeff Fisher of ordering a hit on him last Sunday, that resulted in Merriman getting knocked out of the game with a knee injury. Merriman said that the order was given as retaliation for him knocking Vince Young out of the game temporarily.

Whatever, go do your dance and take more steroids.




BUST UP IN FRISCO
Alex Smith is out for the year, and now he's taking shots at his coach, Mike Nolan. The #1 pick in one of the drafts the NFL has had recently claims that Nolan was telling his team that Smith was using injuries as an excuse for his poor performance. Whatever, Alex. Do you want your bust next to Tim Couch's or David Carr's in the Overrated College QB Hall of Busts?

Monday, December 10, 2007

I Have a Dream

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day the undefeated team that enjoys others failing will one day fail themselves.

I have a dream that the images of old fucks living past glories are replaces with images of ridicule.

I have a dream that the same people that pop open a bottle of champaign in mock victory end up opening a bottle of whiskey to forget how embarrassed they are.

I have a dream that one season people will cheer for a team to go perfect with a no-win season more than they cheer a team to go undefeated.

I have a dream today.

This is our hope. This is the faith that the Miami Dolphins, who hold the undefeated season end up getting a perfect winless season.

There is only Baltimore and New England left.

Imagine this: New England with the perfect record against Miami with the perfect record. Both can ruin the dream. My dream. Your dream. Our dream. Go Dolphins. Don't fuck this up.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Week 14 Playoff Picture- AFC






1. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS 12-0

Week 12 WON v. Eagles 31-28
Week 13 WON at Ravens 27-24
Week 14 at Steelers (9-3)


All of a sudden, this NFL season has gotten a lot more interesting. The reason is that in the last 2 weeks, the Patriots have lost their air of crushing invincibility.


They have back to back nail biter wins over a couple of very mediocre teams. The superhuman passing game now looks merely very good, and the defense is getting ripped up by the Kyle Bollers and AJ Feeleys of the world, not to mention Willis McGahee hanging 138 rushing yards on them on Monday Night.


If the Patriots beat the Steelers this week, they are going to go 16-0 in the regular season. Their remaining games should all be wins. That doesn't necessarily mean though, that they are going to go 19-0. I'm beginning to think the Patriots are going to have their hands full in the AFC Playoffs, and in the Super Bowl against Dallas or Green Bay. The Pats can't run the ball, and when the other team decides to stick to a running game, they have problems keeping them from succeeding. This team is beginning to reek of the peaked to soon 2005 Colts to me.





2. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS 10-2

Week 12 WON at Falcons 31-13
Week 13 WON v. Jaguars 28-25
Week 14 at Ravens 4-8

Another year, another AFC South title for the Colts. Their 28-25 win over the Jaguars last weekend pretty much sews up a 4th straight division title, which is a pretty great achievement given the parity in the NFL in general, and the relative difficulty of their division in recent years.

This team continues to hang on. They've been without Marvin Harrison, which leaves them with only one real wide receiver target for Peyton Manning to rely on, and they've lost pass rusher Dwight Freeney for the season. Even with those huge losses, they rank 2nd in the league in pass defense, and Manning seems to be pulling out of the midseason rut he was in, throwing a Peyton Manning like 4 TD passes in the win over Jacksonville.

Indy's toughest game the remainder of this season should be this week's Sunday night tilt at a Ravens team that gave the Patriots all they could handle last week. After that, it's a road game at Oakland followed by a pair of divisional home games, and the Colts almost never lose at home. Looks like the Colts will get a much needed first round bye, and if they can get healthy during that off week, they could be a big threat to repeat as Super Bowl champs.




3. PITTSBURGH STEELERS 9-3

Week 12 WON v. Dolphins 3-0
Week 13 WON v. Bengals 24-10
Week 14 at Patriots (12-0)

The Steelers are being painted as the biggest threat remaining to an undefeated regular season for the Patriots. In fact, there's a lot of people predicting the Steelers will upset the recently staggering Patriots this week.

That would be the same Steelers who lost to the Jest a couple of weeks ago, and were fortunate to escape with a 3-0 victory at home against the winless Dolphins the next week. I'm not buying it.

Willie Parker has been held under 100 yards rushing 3 weeks in a row, by the terrible defenses of the Jets, Dolphins, and Bengals. He could be wearing down after lugging it 337 times last year, and 285 times already this year. The passing game isn't picking up the slack either. In the last 4 games, Ben Roethlisberger has looked more like 06 Bad Ben, throwing 5 picks and 5 TDs, than the Resurgent Roethlisberger we've seen this year.

The Steelers have a virtual 3 game lead in the AFC North, so they have that division sewn up. What they are after now is passing the Colts for the 2 seed in the AFC and getting a first round bye. That's not going to happen unless they play better than they have recently.







4. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS 7-5

Week 12 WON v. Ravens 32-14
Week 13 WON at Chiefs 24-10
Week 14 at Titans (7-5)

Are everyone's favorite underachievers finally getting it together? An impressive win against the Ravens and a workmanlike one on the road against the Chiefs would suggest that they are.

Maybe most importantly, the team's superstars, LT and Shawne Merriman, both played like superstars at the same time in the win over KC. Tomlinson rushed for 177 yards and 2 TDs, showing his 2006 MVP form for the first time this year, while Merriman broke out with 3 sacks after getting only 6 1/2 the whole season prior to last week.

This week's game against Tennessee will tell us a lot about where the Chargers are. With the Patriots wobbling of late, the Steelers limping to victories, and the Colts struggling with injuries, the Chargers once again look like they may be a contender in the AFC. A win on the road over the 7-5 Titans would help build their case.



5. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS 8-4
Week 12 WON v. Bills 36-14

Week 13 LOST at Colts 25-28
Week 14 v. Panthers (4-8)

I've decided that the Jags are the NFL's version of the NBA's Chicago Bulls. Their whole is greater than the sum of its parts, they have a bunch of solid players but no superstars, they make the playoffs every year, and they'll never ever come anywhere near winning a championship.

The Jags just don't have the one player they can lean on to counter the power of Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, or LT. They're measurably better than the weak teams in the league, but they're also not as good as the primo teams. It's a level they've stagnated at for the last 3 years, and I don't see how they plan on progressing past that level.

The loss to Indy was a close one, but it's also got to be a frustrating one. To the Jags, taking the Colts place as the top team in the AFC South is everything. Now they are resigned to second fiddle again, having lost to the Colts twice this year. Will they now do their annual routine of taking a wildcard spot and making another likely early playoff exit? Will they make it their mission to earn a 3rd meeting with the Colts in the playoffs and beat them this time? Or will they become discouraged and disintegrate down the stretch?






6. CLEVELAND BROWNS/TENNESSEE TITANS 7-5

Week 13 Browns LOST at Cardinals 21-27; Titans WON v. Texans 28-20

Week 14 Browns at Jets (3-9); Titans v. Chargers (7-5)

If the Browns are serious about this making the playoff thing, losing to the Arizona Cardinals can't happen, whether it's on the road or not. They played too sloppily, turning the ball over 4 times, and once again were powerless to stop the run, even against the Cards' subpar rushing attack.

This week they have another game they should win. They travel to the Meadowlands to face a Jets team that is 3-9, but has won 2 out of their last 3 games, and perhaps most dangerously for the Browns, have been running the ball well of late. Another loss in a game they should win would be a bad development in what's been a great season for the Browns so far.

The Titans snapped a 3 game losing streak last week by stirring themselves to come back from a 21-10 deficit to top the Texans last week. It wasn't exactly a resounding statement that they have righted their ship. They now face a Chargers team that looks like it's finally playing up to their talent level. If they play like they have the last 4 weeks, they're gonna get killed, and their playoff hopes look like they're hanging by a thread at this point.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Bowl Game Fun

Debate aside about how the BCS is the WORST system to determine a champion in any sport, one of the best features of college football is the bowls. A 7-5 team can have their Superbowl. Luckily, the BCS couldn't fuck up the excitement of the bowls because of the history behind them. From Rivals.com, here are the top 5 bowls:

1. BCS National Championship: Ohio State vs. LSU

Rivals.com's reasoning for this being the best game is pretty weak, but the match up is interesting in a sense that Ohio State stocked up on shit teams and LSU played in what most believe to be the hardest conference and still had to have six overtimes to get two losses. Everyone thinks LSU is going to CRUSH Ohio State, so the intrigue is if Ohio State is legit. Once LSU starts pulling away the BCS haters are turning this game off because they're bored, or they will leave it on to laugh at how right they were. Either way, I'll say this is the second most interesting match up.

2. Holiday Bowl: Arizona State vs. Texas

What's pretty fucking cool is that I was asked to go to this bowl three weeks ago knowing donkey dick about it or the possible match up (which would be impossible to guess this year anyway). I come to find that these two teams were in it and was pretty happy seeing that this is going to be the third live football game I'm ever going to. The first was when the Rams were in LA playing the Redskins; the second was some USC game (The Coliseum is a TERRIBLE place); and this baby will be the third and it looks like it's going to rock. Number 2?! I don't know about that, but I know Texas brings a big ass crowd. I'm going to bring my Reggie Bush Jersey just to have Texas fan talk shit on me.

3. Sugar Bowl: Georgia vs. Hawaii

Georgia is one of the two teams you probably don't want to meet in the playoffs and Hawaii is undefeated. Honestly, if Hawaii wins, I'm voting them National Champions - because my vote is the most important. I am more interested in this game than the LSU/Ohio State game because I see this game as this year's Boise State vs. Oklahoma of last year (a game which you'll see being played on ESPN Classic all day; TiVo: On). I expect the Statue of Liberty play, Hawaii and other fucking gimmick plays. This shit is your Super Bowl. Don't fuck it up. This is my favorite match up.

4. Fiesta Bowl: Oklahoma vs. West Virginia

Rivals.com says, "this could be interesting." More like blowout boring as fuck. Oklahoma beat the #1 team as it's last win, and West Virginia just got bullshitted from a title game. I see a West Virginia meltdown. Easy Oklahoma win.

5. Capital One: Florida vs. Michigan

I know everyone shitted on Michigan, and they deserved it. But man, I like Michigan. Michigan is like a big fat dick who's been flaccid all season and now it's time to bust out the boner. Florida has what most believe to be the Heisman Trophy winner. Two big time schools throwing down. I disagree with Rivals.com here because I like this game better than the Fiesta Bowl.

Here is the rest of the rankings. Comment you fucks.

Hall of Shit - Boomer Esiason

Patrick N Presents Volume 2, Episode 2 - Boomer Esiason.

Monday, December 3, 2007

The BCS Worked Perfectly - Part 2



Thanks to Dave Wannstedt's finest hour in his decade and a half of abject failure as a head coach, the BCS system has been thrown into its greatest level of chaos since its inception.

All West Virginia had to do was beat 4-7 Pitt, at home, and they would have secured a spot in the BCS Championship game. They would face either Missouri, or if the Tigers lost the Big 12 Championship game (which they ended up doing, big time, 38-17 to Oklahoma), they would face Ohio State, the only other BCS Conference champ who had one loss.

But, as we all know by now, West Virginia was no match for the awesome power of the ruddy faced, half-moustached Wanny and his crutches. The Mountaineers shit the bed, losing 13-9, and all of a sudden we've got college football Sodom and Gomorrah.

Ohio State will, in fact, play for the BCS title. They will face LSU, the champion of the SEC.

Ohio State hasn't beaten anybody who is any good this year. That is true. But they didn't lose to anyone who isn't any good either. In fact, they blew all those teams out. Here's their resume:

33-14 over Washington (the same Washington team that the only team with a better W/L record than the Buckeyes, Hawaii, struggled mightily to beat this past weekend). 23-7 at Purdue, 37-17 at Penn State, 38-17 over Wisconsin. 14-3 at Michigan. Those are all double digit wins over teams that at one point were ranked in the top 25.

Ohio State has been dominant this year against the opponents they've played. They are a BCS conference champion. They have only 1 loss. No other team in the country can say all those things. If there's a BCS Championship Game, they deserve to be playing in it.

As for LSU, they are champions of the SEC. The SEC is the best conference in college football. By a lot. It's not even close.

In my opinion, the only teams that should even be considered for the BCS Championship game are teams that are either:

a. Champions of a BCS Conference or
b. An undefeated team who does not play in a BCS Conference, but has demonstrably shown they would win a BCS Conference if they played in one.

So who does that eliminate?
That eliminates Kansas. They lost to Missouri, who in turn got thrashed by Oklahoma. They are the third best team in the Big 12, and are damn fortunate to be invited to the Orange Bowl given that fact. They should be the ones freezing their asses off in the Cotton Bowl against Arkansas, not Missouri.

Georgia is eliminated. Sorry, but a team that did not even play in its conference championship game has no case, even if that conference is the SEC. The Bulldogs lost 35-14 to a Tennessee team that just got beat by an LSU team that had its backup QB playing. There is no logic that puts them in the title game. Their school will get a huge payout from playing in the Sugar Bowl. I'm sure they like that a lot better than getting to the semifinals or quarterfinals of some playoff system from which there is no payout guaranteed.

It also eliminates Missouri and West Virginia. They had their playoff games this weekend. They both lost. Missouri's punishment was too harsh in getting booted out of the BCS entirely, and I think they may be the only team that has a legitimate beef with the system right now.

It also eliminates the team that Georgia meets in the Sugar Bowl, Hawaii. Hawaii is 12-0, but they've done nothing to show they would be the best team in any BCS conference. I went over some of the more shaky outings they've had this year in last week's column, and they did nothing to expunge those by falling behind 28-7 to Washington, the LAST place team in the Pac 10, this weekend.

So that leaves us with 3 teams that still meet the qualifications I've set forth:

USC is one of them. However, if you think Ohio State doesn't belong because they haven't beaten anyone good, then you have to say the same thing about USC. What's their most impressive win? At Cal? At Arizona State? Puhleez. Oh, and they lost at home to Stanford. They'll play in the Rose Bowl, that's not bad.

Virginia Tech lost 48-7 to LSU earlier this year. There is no way they win any sort of tiebreaker with LSU that would put them in the title game instead of the Tigers.

Finally, there's Oklahoma. They blew out the #1 team this weekend, they have a case. You can be sure that the final spot in the Championship Game came down to Oklahoma or LSU. LSU got the nod because the SEC gets more respect than the Big 12.

Would I like to see LSU and Oklahoma settle it on the field, with the winner going to the title game to face Ohio State? Probably. I think in this case a BCS+1 game would be the best way to settle things. Other than that, I'm satisfied with the way things played out, and I'm certainly more than satisfied with all the excitement the last month of the college football season provided.

Your BCS Bowl Matchups:

ROSE BOWL JAN 1
USC v. Illinois

SUGAR BOWL JAN 1
Hawaii v. Georgia

FIESTA BOWL JAN 2
West Virginia v. Oklahoma

ORANGE BOWL JAN 3
Kansas v. Virginia Tech

BCS NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP JAN 7
Ohio State v. LSU

Sunday, December 2, 2007

The BCS Worked Perfectly

As you can see, the BCS worked perfectly. No one has anything to complain about. Let's see what we got:

In the Sugar Bowl we have #10 Hawaii (12-0) against #5 Georgia (10-2). Just because you're undefeated, doens't mean you get a National Title game. And just because you are ranked 4th and the top two teams lose, doesn't mean you'll move up two spots. In fact, you'll lose a spot. How can anyone complain? This should be a fun game.

The Fiesta Bowl has #9 West Virginia (10-2) against #4 Oklahoma (10-2). Beating a number 1 team doesn't guarantee you'll take their place. This game will suck ass.

The Rose Bowl, the best bowl of them all, has #7 USC (10-2) against #13 Illinois (9-3). This match up is traditional and will probably be pretty fun.

The Orange Bowl has #3 Virginia Tech (11-2) against #8 Kansas (11-1). If you want a BCS bowl, make sure you lose earlier rather than later. I guess. So somehow Mizzou beats Kansas to be #1, loses in a title game and they don't get a BCS bid while the team they beat the week before is still somehow better than them. No reason to complain there. Sounds pretty reasonable.

And for the BCS Title Game, we have #1 Ohio State (10-1) against #2 LSU (10-2). LSU becomes the first two loss team to play for a title. Good thing they fixed the BCS. I like how LSU was #7 and jumps to #2 just because. Meanwhile, Ohio State backs into the title game by having a weakass schedule and not playing, letting the other teams that were #1 and #2 fuck themselves.

Mizzou gets donkey dogshit Cotton Bowl and plays against Texas A&M which they will lose because it sucks to be #1 and then not even be in a BCS Bowl. No need to complain there. Especially no need to complain since Mizzou beat both Kansas and Illinois who both get a BCS bowl while Mizzou sucks its own wazzou.

Pretty much everything made sense and when the National Champion is crowned, everyone will by into it 100%. No split champions this year.

Read this article if you want to know how the other, more sane NCAA football divisions are doing it and how it would apply to Division I.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Hall of Shit - Dan Marino

Patrick N Presents Volume 2, Episode 1 - Dan Marino. This new season of Patrick N Presents exposes the piece of crap Hall of Famers in the NFL.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Week 12 Playoff Picture- NFC



1. DALLAS COWBOYS 10-1
Week 11 WON v. Redskins 28-23
Week 12 WON v. Jets 34-3
Week 13 v. Packers (10-1)

You know who should have felt a little squeamish watching this Thanksgiving Day turkey basting? No, not the Packers, who face the Cowboys in a battle of 10-1 teams this Thursday. The team that should feel bad is the Steelers, who just a week ago lost to the kelly green suck squad that is the NY Jets.

This wasn't the greatest we've seen the Dallas offense look. Tony Romo had a pedestrian outing and TO had a mere one touchdown. However, they did give the Packers something to think about in the form of Marion the Barbarian Barber, who tore thru the Jets 30th ranked run defense like a Ginsu knife thru a turkey leg for 103 yards on 18 carries.

The Cowboys are in top form right now. So are the Packers. The Cowboys have twice the talent though, and I think they'll be the ones at 11-1 on Friday morning.



2. GREEN BAY PACKERS 10-1
Week 11 WON v. Panthers 31-17
Week 12 WON at Lions 37-26
Week 13 at Cowboys (10-1)


There's a perception about the Packers that they aren't as good as their 10-1 record would indicate. The perception is that they've played a weak schedule. The perception is that the Cowboys, who are favored by 7 in their game against the Packers on Thursday, will give a failing grade to the Pack in their first real test of the season.


But I don't think it's true to say the Pack has not been tested this year. The tone for their season was set in the first three games of the season, when they opened with wins over Philly, the Giants, and San Diego, all teams that could be in the playoffs this year. They've beaten Adrian Peterson and the Vikings twice, and they've won at Arrowhead and Mile High, which is still impressive even though the teams that play at those places are having down seasons. They've passed some tests, and they do so more impressively every week.


Funny as it may sound, the team that plays closest to the way that the be all end all New England Patriots play are these Packers. They spread the ball around, have a great quarterback, and talented receivers. There's no other shoe waiting to drop here, this team is for real.






3. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS 7-4
Week 11 WON v. Bears 30-23
Week 12 WON at Rams 24-19
Week 13 at Eagles (5-6)


From this point on, I don't see how any sane person could think any of these teams have a real shot at doing anything of any significance in the postseason.

The Seahawks began their game against the 2-8 Rams by having Mo Morris get tackled in the end zone for a safety. Then a few minutes later they were getting gashed for a 50 some yard TD run by Steven Jackson. They probably wouldn't have come back to win if Marc Bulger didn't leave the game in the second quarter to be replaced by the increasingly incompetent Gus Frerotte.

In the last minute of the game the Rams had first and goal on the five, and were stopped the next three plays. They then called a timeout to talk things over and come up with a really great play that would punch it in on 4th down and give the Rams the win. Then they fumbled the snap. That's six wins in a row for the Seahawks over the Rams, and therein lies the secret of the Seahawks making the playoffs every year.



4. TAMPA BAY BUCS 7-4

Week 11 WON at Falcons 31-7
Week 12 WON v. Redskins 19-13
Week 13 at Saints (5-6)

The Bucs kept rolling towards an NFC South title by beating the Redskins 19-13, and they did it with Bruce Gradkowski at quarterback and Earnest Graham as their running back. It didn't hurt that Washington could not stop turning the ball over, coughing it up six times including an interception that snuffed out the potential game winning drive in the final minute. In the NFL though, a win is a win is a win and if Jon Gruden keeps winning with this seemingly outmanned team, he just might get his genius badge back.


A big game looms for the Bucs this Sunday. If they go to the Superdome and beat the Saints, it pretty much salts away the division title and a playoff berth, an impressive feat for a team that went 4-12 last season. If they lose though, the Saints are only a game back and all of a sudden we've got ourselves a race in this division. The Bucs need Garcia back for this game. He's listed as day to day right now, but the tea leaves seem to be pointing toward him playing.



5. NY GIANTS 7-4

Week 11 WON at Lions 16-10
Week 12 LOST v. Vikings 17-41
Week 13 at Bears (5-6)

We've been waiting for years for Eli Manning to play like his big brother. He finally did against the Vikings. Unfortunately, he played like his brother played two weeks ago in his live action naked test taking dream where he threw 6 picks against the Chargers.

Eli took a run at that dubious family record, throwing 4, 3 of which were taken back for TDs and another which was taken to the Giants five yard line. The Giants were pounded by the Adrian Peterson-less Vikings 41-17.


The Giants are doing nothing to make anyone think that they aren't going to re-enact their annual late season collapse. Maybe getting Derrick Ward and/or Brandon Jacobs back will help, maybe not. All I know is I'm breaking out in hives thinking about the prospect of Eli and Rex on the same field this week when the Bears take on the Giants. I recommend only viewing this game thru two pieces of cardboard with a pinhole poked in one of them.




6. DETROIT LIONS 6-5

Week 11 LOST v. Giants 16-10
Week 12 LOST v. Packers 26-37
Week 13 at Vikings (5-6)

I'm not expecting to be writing about this team too much longer. They were supposed to be really good at home right? Well now they've lost back to back games at home. In the most recent one they were indistinguishable from the bad old Lions, and Favre did absolutely whatever he wanted to do to their defense. The Lions aren't forcing turnovers anymore, they aren't running the ball effectively any more, pretty much anything they did when they got out to their 6-2 start, they are not doing anymore.

Not only that, take a look at their schedule the rest of the way. They are at the red hot Vikings this week, who should have Purple Jesus back. Then they host Dallas, are on the road at SD, home against the Chiefs, and at Green Bay. They will be lucky to get 1 win out those last 5 and finish 7-9. This team is toast.



OTHERS RECEIVING VOTES

With the Lions in free fall and the Giants looking like they might be right behind them, there is an amorphous blob of 5-6 teams just waiting for their opportunity to sneak into the postseason.

- Washington Redskins

They've lost 3 in a row and their best player just died. On the plus side, they don't have Eli Manning on their team.


- Philadelphia Eagles

They almost took down the Patriots. Almost. We'll see how fast McNabb's ankle heals now that AJ Feeley played better against the unbeaten Pats than McNabb has played against anyone all year.


-Minnesota Vikings

It says here that this team is not going to lose again until the playoffs. By here I mean right in this sentence. The sentence I am writing right now.


-New Orleans Saints

They crushed the Panthers on the road, 31-6. So I guess this means they are good again now. They've won 5 out of their last 7, so I guess they've got as good a shot as anyone.


- Arizona Cardinals

Kurt Warner throws for almost 500 yards, and the Cardinals still lose because they can't stop Trent Dilfer, Frank Gore made them look silly, and Neal Rackers blew a 32 yard field goal in OT. No team finds more spectacular ways to blow games.


- Chicago Bears

The Bears rode 2 Devin Hester returns for TDs and an improbable surge of offensive competence on the final drive of regulation to come back from a 34-20 4th quarter deficit and stun the Broncos 37-34 in OT. They also lost Cedric Benson for the season. Not that Ced was any good, but now the Bears are down to The Other Adrian Peterson as their starting running back the rest of the year, and this is the team that according to their coach gets off the bus running the ball.



BCS Sucks

Here's what we learned from the BCS:

  • If you schedule weakass games against teams like Ice Cream State, Deaf University, and Special Ed University, and your end of the year rival game sucks cock, you can still be ranked high if you lose. Even if not one of your games you won was a hard game on the road. (Ohio State)
  • If you go undefeated, you can still be out of a BCS bowl game. (Hawaii)
  • You can be number one in the nation through the BCS bowl and still be an underdog. (Mizzou 3 pt underdogs in Vegas vs. #12 Oklahoma in Big 12 Championship)
  • Two-loss teams who don't win their conference division or even qualify for their conference's league championship can still win the National Title. (Georgia)
  • Those that say the regular season IS the playoffs are wrong because certain teams would have already been eliminated, yet they still have a chance for the National Title. (West Virginia, Ohio State, Virginia Tech, USC)
  • Doing everything other teams do can still land you five spots behind because of magic. (Va Tech is five spots over Boston College, but they have the same fucking record and pretty much are mirror images)

If this was Division II or III NCAA College Football, we'd could be seeing Ohio State, West Virginia, LSU, Mizzou, Hawaii, BC, Oklahoma, and USC in the playoffs. But Division II and III isn't about money and Division I is. Sorry Nick, while this year has been a great year for college football, unless they run Division I like UEFA Champions League for soccer, everyone is not playing each other and so the regular season isn't as equal because I can schedule it that way.

And Then There Were Three..

Once again, we had a very interesting week where the contenders to the college football throne danced around the BCS chess board like the pawns of the soul-less, decrepit bowl system that they are, and it was just as exciting as any playoff system could possibly be.



For instance, on Friday we had another #1 team fall by the wayside, in triple overtime no less. LSU couldn't succeed on a 2 point conversion needed to send their game against Arkansas into a 4th OT session, and the top ranked Tigers fell at home 50-48. Darren McFadden staked his claim to the Heisman, running for 206 yards and 3 TDs, leading the 8-4 Razorbacks to this stunning victory, and knocking LSU out of the national title picture.



Saturday night gave us what probably has been the game of the year up to this point. Missouri and Kansas, two schools that were definitely strangers to the national title picture before this year, met at Arrowhead Stadium to see which of them would advance to the Big 12 title game, and remain in the running for the national title. That team will be Missouri, who rode an awesome 40 of 49 performance by QB Chase Daniel to jump out to a 28-7 lead, and held on to top the previously unbeaten Jayhawks 36-28. If Missouri can win this Saturday against Oklahoma, who is the only team to have defeated them this year, they'll play for the national title.



If the Missouri Tigers get to New Orleans, they will meet a team that needs only to dispatch a dismal Pitt squad this weekend to seal their invite, the West Virginia Mountaineers. WV rolled up an insane 517 yards of rushing offense in destroying UConn 66-21 this weekend. UConn is still the second place team in the Big East, and West Virginia beat them by 45. This conference is not good. Is it fair that the Big East will have a team representing it in the national title game while the SEC will not? Probably. Still, this West Virginia team is very good, and there isn't a team in the country that they do not belong on the same field with.



Meanwhile, there is now a huge groundswell of Oklahoma Sooner fans in Columbus, OH.

If Missouri doesn't come out on top against the Sooners this weekend, the The Ohio State team everyone wrote off when they lost to Illinois 2 weeks ago likely vaults into the national title game. They are a BCS conference champion, and have only one loss. That magic combination is something that in this Oklahoma-beats-Missouri scenario that neither the Sooners, Tigers (LSU or Missouri) or Georgia Bulldogs will have. The Buckeyes have no more games left, and that's the best thing they have going for them right now. The importance of being idle, indeed.