Thursday, December 20, 2007

Third Hand Newz

It's looking like The Big Tuna, Bill Parcells, is going to be put into a position of great authority by a 5th NFL team and become the Director of Football Operations for the Miami Dolphins.

The Dolphins have had great success in the past bringing in former Dallas Cowboys head coaches to run their entire franchise, like when they brought in Jimmy Johnson, who stayed for like a season and a half and then turned the keys over to Dave Wannstedt, who then ran the franchise into a telephone pole before leaving to destroy the University of Pittsburgh program.

Parcells is known as a great coach because he won a couple of Super Bowls back when a hot new band called Poison was teaching us how to love again, and Max Headroom had his own one hour show weekly show on ABC.

It's only been a mere 17 years since he last won a Super Bowl ring, which gives him the gravitas to refer to players like Terry Glenn as "she", even though he himself is the one with tits.

Owner Wayne Huizenga has reportedly had a conversation with head coach Cam Cameron telling him his job would be safe under the new regime. With each passing sentence I become more and more confident in the direction of this franchise.


Terrell Owens sounded off on The Jessica Simpson Curse. He said that having Simpson in the stands hurt Tony Romo's focus during the Cowboys 10-6 loss last Sunday. He added that she is now persona non grata amongst Cowboys fans and in the Cowboy locker room, and that he has a special message for her come playoff time. In his pants.


During the fateful Eagles/Cowboys game, FOX sideline reporter Pam Oliver reported that McNabb had told her that he feels his days in Philly are numbered and that he feels the Eagles are beginning to distance themselves from him. McNabb then denied that he ever told her such things. I can't believe that Donovan McNabb would ever leave it to the media to make excuses for him. He never ever does that. I am completely shocked.


The squads for the 2008 Pro Bowl were announced yesterday. This is a huge honor for all those selected. So huge that half of them choose not to show up for the game.

Here's a quick rundown of the starting lineups:


QB- Brett Favre
He's just having so much fun out there! He's like a big electrified fun machine! FUN!

RB- Adrian Peterson
Knocked me out of my fantasy playoffs thanks to 2 bullshit touchdowns in the Monday Night game. You are on my shit list for life now. Ask Donovan McNabb how that's worked out for him.

FB- Tony Richardson
Do any teams even use a fullback anymore?

WR- Larry Fitzgerald, Terrell Owens
TO's done the best babyface turn I have ever seen this year.

TE- Jason Witten
He's been the best in the league this year, after scoring only 1 TD in 06.

T- Walter Jones, Flozell Adams
G- Leonard Davis, Steve Hutchinson
C- Andrew Gurode
Three Cowboys on the offensive line making the Pro Bowl must make things pretty easy for Tony Romo huh? I wonder if Drew Bledsoe ever lies awake at night thinking he should be the one boinking Jessica Simpson.

DE- Aaron Kampman, Patrick Kerney
DT- Kevin Williams, Pat Williams
Kerney's got 13 1/2 sacks and next to Randy Moss was the best free agent signing of this past offseason

LB- Julian Peterson, Lofa Tatupu, DeMarcus Ware
Elihu, will you come Lofa my stretch marks??

CB- Al Harris, Marcus Trufant
Geez, Seattle's got four NFC starters on its defense. Shouldn't their defense be, you know, good?

S- Darren Sharper, Sean Taylor
The NFC's going to have to play with 10 guys I guess.

K- Nick Folk
P- Andy Lee
KR- Devin Hester
ST- Brendon Ayanbadejo
Ooooo the AFC better not kick to Devin Hester...they should just punt the ball backwards out of their own end zone.



QB- Tom Brady
Is he still going to break Peyton Manning's TD passes in a season record? What happened with that?
RB- LaDainian Tomlinson
Has now rushed for over 1200 yards 7 times in 7 seasons. I'm sure the Falcons are happy they made Michael Vick the #1 pick in the 2001 draft instead of him. I forgot though, you can't measure Michael Vick's value with statistics. Vince Young's either. Chris Berman said so.

FB- Lorenzo Neal
I believe his picture is next to the dictionary definition of "brick shithouse".

WR- Randy Moss, Reggie Wayne
Moss has had only one 100+ yard game in his last 4. A knock on him was that he's not in good shape, so maybe he's wearing down at the end of the season.

TE- Antonio Gates

T- Matt Light, Jason Peters
G- Alan Faneca, Logan Mankins
C- Jeff Saturday


DE- Jared Allen, Kyle Vanden Bosch
It was a huge year for white defensive ends.

DT- Albert Haynesworth, Vince Wilfork
Haynesworth celebrated by stepping on someones face.

LB- DeMeco Ryans, James Harrison, Mike Vrabel
I guess Ray Lewis won't be able to do his dance during pregame introductions.

CB- Champ Bailey, Asante Samuel
If you have a defense with Champ Bailey on it shouldn't that defense be better than 22nd in the league?

S- Ed Reed, Bob Sanders
I don't know that there are 2 guys in the league who get more verbal fellatio during NFL broadcasts.


K- Rob Bironas
P- Shane Lechler
KR- Joshua Cribbs
ST- Kassim Osgood
Cleveland gets only one guy and it's the kick returner? I call boolsheet.

1 comment:

dook!e said...

Mike Martz gets more verbal fellatio.