Sunday, December 27, 2009

I win.


Das how I do.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Mark Hughes' Worst Enemy: Tie

I was falling asleep watching another Manchester City tie, and I don't mean "tie" as in they're about to mix it up. I mean "tie" as in the same fucking score so both teams get a point. That shit is like all those parents that believe there shouldn't be winners and losers. Everyone gets a trophy and a juice box. Bitch. Second place is the first loser. That's how real men roll. All you fucking pussies that say ties are great for the game lost a lot in real life while still clutching that 5th place medal from 3rd grade flag football. And this leads me to why Mark Hughes should have gotten fired:

No one gives a fucking shit about ties.

It's a tie. People be crying, "BUT PATRICK. HE ONLY LOST TWICE THIS YEAR ITS A TRAVESTY HE WAS FIRED." Hey, bitch. No one overpays a coach and a whole team of players to get that 5th place medal from 100 ties. I don't know what the media or Bellamy who was crying Hughes got fired was going to do with a team that was the master of ties. He's like, "HEY PATRICK. WE ONLY LOST TWICE..." STFU YOUR MEDIA BUTT BUDDIES JUST SAID THAT. When two people punch each other, and both guys get knocked out, you both fucking LOST. It's not a no contest. It's not a tie. YOU BOTH LOST. A tie is a loss. Fuck you if you think ties are no grounds for firing overpaid motherfuckers.

I heard there were good things about this team. Robinho sucks like he was supposed to. Gareth Barry sucks. Adebayor sucks. Tevez sucks. I'm still looking for some good things about this team. Roberto Mancini is an awesome coach because he actually wins. He won by an average margin of ten points on the table when he was in control of Inter Milan. I think I like that more than ties.

ETIHAD: Ay, Mark, step into our office.
Mark Hughes: Why?
ETIHAD: BECAUSE YOU'RE FIRED. YOU'RE FUCKING FIRED, BITCH.
Mark Hughes: Dude, WHY?
ETIHAD: Because I didn't pay a zillion dollars for ties.
Mark Hughes: But I only lost twice.
ETIHAD: I only bukaked twice on your mom.
Mark Hughes: What?
ETIHAD: Huh?
Mark Hughes: WHAT?
ETIHAD: WHAT?
Mark Hughes: FUCK!
ETIHAD: You're fired.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Fantasy Football Round 2 Patrick N Glory


One more for the title. Patrick N. Doing dis.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Fantasy Football Playoffs


Last year, I went to the Finals and lost. Today started the first round of the playoffs where I'm #7 playing #2. My big gun Frank Gore hasn't played yet, but I won. Patrick N about to win a title like Boise St.


Wednesday, December 9, 2009

My interview for the Notre Dame job


I recently went for a super-secret job interview for the position of Notre Dame head coach. I was their top candidate, obviously. I am going to share how it went because that is what a nice guy I am.

Notre Dame Athletic Director: Thank you for taking the time from your busy schedule of teabagging Jay Cutler to interview with us.

Patrick N: No problem. And thanks.

NDAD: Thanks for the chance at the interview?

Patrick N: No, for letting me piledrive your mom.

NDAD: Coo. Coo. So the last three head coaches we've had have been fired. What are you going to do different than those coaches?

Patrick N: I'm going to bang all the students for morale. Then I'm going to recruit from the UFL, Arena League, and Canadian Leagues offering them scholarships and a chance to play for a program that matters more than the leagues they're playing in.

Then I will hire my coaches by holding a Madden 2010 tournament. The winner will be my XO Head Coach to take my place when I'm busy doing your mom, and the one with the highest points will be my offensive coordinator, and the player with the least amount of points carried by the coefficient of the takeaways inverted by the sacks produced...it's a complicated formula but basically my formula will determine who will be my defensive coordinator.

NDAD: That sounds like a bold, refreshing, winning approach.

Patrick N: Shut the fuck up, douchebag.

NDAD: How are you going to make sure this program becomes an elite program like Florida, USC, and Texas?

Patrick N: Have a pussy ass schedule like Boise State and Ohio State so I can go undefeated, and I'll make sure to run up the score to have the #1 offense in all of college football.

NDAD: Finally, how long do you think it will take to win us a national championship? Most coaches it takes 2-3 years.

Patrick N: It'll take me one year.

NDAD: JUST ONE?

Patrick N: Just one.

NDAD: Why do you think that?

Patrick N: Why is Pluto not a planet anymore? Fuck off me, bitch.

NDAD: Thank you again for your time. We'll contact you when we pick you as head coach OOPS I mean go through the process.

Patrick N: Have you seen therapist?

NDAD: I don't have psychological issues.

Patrick N: Therapist isn't for psychological issues. Separate the first three letters with the rest of the word.

NDAD: ...

Patrick N: :D

---

They called that hour to ask me if I wanted to take the position, but like a girl you just wanted to bang and run, I said I was getting back with my ex-girlfriend so I couldn't take the job. By ex-girlfriend I mean his daughter.

So the job is still open guys. Your welcome.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Boise State, World Champs of Whining and Complaining

Boise State sucks balls...they beat Tulsa 28-21, the same Tulsa that lost to shitty Oklahoma 45-0, Boise's big "test" in the WAC was against the great Nevada team that LOST 35-0 TO NOTRE DAME....NOTRE DAME!! 35-0!! Boise won that game 44-33. So they gave up 33 points to a team that got shut out by a team who plays defense like a Lingerie Football League team...Boise is the champs at one thing..bitching and complaining..they are definitely BCS caliber at that. Seriously if they played Alabama, Alabama would hang 80 points on them. Nobody wants to see that, and would destroy Boise's program and every other program who gets delusions of grandeur because they can consistently beat up on the New Mexico States of the world. If Boise State is sick of playing TCU in their bowl game, I've got a solution, schedule them in the regular season instead of having a non-conf schedule that consists of UC Davis and a bunch of MAC bottom feeders. If you beat them in the regular season maybe you'll have some credibility and won't have to prove yourselves during the bowl season. I hate you Boise St. I hate you so much I'm going to post this as a regular article too. *Originally posted as comment to Patrick's BCS preview.

Perusin' The Box Scores- Week 13

(6-6) JETS 19, (4-8) BILLS 13
- The Jets did what everyone has done to the Bills all year long, which is to run all over them. The Bills rank last in the league in yards/rushing attempt against, and playing this game in Canada didn’t seem to help. The Jets rushed for 249 yards, led by Thomas Jones’ 109 yards on 23 carries.

-If the NFL wants to get Canadians excited about the NFL, this game probably will make them want to stick with curling. Mark Sanchez and Ryan Fitzpatrick COMBINED to complete 16 passes for 202 yards. Sanchez was sacked 5 times.

-The Jets may have the #1 pass defense in the league, but the Bills had a nice amount of success running the ball on them, averaging over 5 yards per on 21 rushing attempts.

-Back to back wins have somehow put the Jets back in the playoff race. At 6-6, they trail the Patriots by just a game in the AFC East, and are part of a 4 team lump that sits a game behind the Jaguars for the final wildcard spot.

(5-7) BEARS 17, (1-11) RAMS 6

- The Bears fumbled 6 times in this game, but only lost one of them. When you consider that recovering a fumble is supposedly a completely random occurrence, the Bears are very very lucky that they didn’t have a disastrous number of turnovers that may have caused them to lose at home to the Rams, which should have resulted in everyone getting fired.

- The Bears ran 38 running plays versus 18 passing plays. So they traded a “game manager”, Kyle Orton, and 2 first round draft picks so they could throw the ball 18 times against the 1-11 Rams. I see. Seriously with each passing week this Cutler trade becomes more and more ridiculous.

(9-3) BENGALS, (2-10) LIONS

- The Lions actually led this game 7-0 at the end of the 1st quarter, thanks to a 54 yard Stafford to Cal Johnson TD pass.

- Cincinnati averaged an anemic 2.7 yards per carry, and Ced Benson, who has been injured for most of the second half of the season, carried the ball 36 times. Larry Johnson only had 2 carries. Does it not maybe make sense to NOT have your stud running back, who has been banged up, carry it 36 times against a team like the Lions? When you’ve got backups like Larry Johnson who can lighten the load?

- Both teams had a receiver over 100 yards. Calvin Johnson had 123, and Chad Ochocinco had 137 yards and a TD. And put a sombrero on after the TD.

- Matt Stafford completed 42% of 26 pass attempts, got picked off twice, once for a TD, then hurt his shoulder again.

(8-4) CARDINALS 30, (10-2) VIKINGS 17

- Usually, when a defense starts to fall off, the run defense is the first thing to go. That seems to be happening with the Vikings. This defense was previously impermeable to the run, with the Williams Wall rendering opponent’s running games completely ineffective. Not so in this game. The Cardinals averaged a healthy 4.5 per on 25 carries.

- Meanwhile, it was the Cardinals, who rank 23rd in the league in yards/rushing attempt against, who were impossible to run on. The Cards and their seemingly ordinary run defense held Adrian Peterson to just 19 yards on 13 carries. It’s the 5th game out of the last six that AD has been held under 100 yards. He went thru a similar stretch at the end of his rookie year, when he followed up a 296 yard day against the Chargers with just 305 yards in his last 6 games, an average of just 50 yards per game.

- Kurt Warner seems like he’s just fine. He returned to the lineup and completed 69% of his attempts for 285 yards and 3 TDs. FitzBoldin combined for 15 catches, 231 yards, and 3 TDs.

(9-3) CHARGERS 30, (1-11) BROWNS 20

- The Chargers won, but this game really exposed some problems, on both sides of the ball. Averaging 2.8 yards per carry against a Browns defense that gives up 4.5 per on average is not encouraging. Giving up 5.2 yards per carry against a team that averages only 3.7 is not encouraging. Letting Brady Quinn throw 3 TDs against you is not encouraging, and neither is giving up 16 points in one quarter to the Browns, even if you are up 27-7 when it happens.

- A big game for both teams’ tight ends. Antonio Gates caught 8 passes for 167 yards, and Cleveland’s Evan Moore, playing in his first NFL game ever, caught 6 for 80 yards.

- Another oddity was that there were 4 TD passes thrown to running backs. Jerome Harrison had 2 for Cleveland, while Darren Sproles had 1 for SD, and Mike Tolbert rumbled 66 yards on a swing pass for the Chargers.

(12-0) COLTS 27, (5-7) TITANS 17

- Tennessee outgained the Colts 375-358. The Titans ran for 142 yards. Still, they lost by 10 points. How is that even possible? Well, for one I challenge you to find a team that’s better in the red zone on both offense and defense than the Colts. When they get it inside the 20, they score TDs, and they make it really hard for the other team to do the same. The Colts have scored 39 TDs this year to just 19 by their opposition. They have attempted only 5 field goals all year of less than 30 yards.

- A big reason the Colts offense is so good at getting in the end zone is Joseph Addai. Before this year started the dude was radioactive at both of my fantasy drafts. Nobody wanted him. Shit, I took Brian Westbrook instead of him. Now he’s got 12 TDs this year. He had 2 in this game. Some people know how to get in the end zone and he’s one of them.

- Over the last 3 games, Peyton Manning has been looking Pierre Garcon’s way a lot. Garcon had 6 catches for 136 yards, and in the last 3 weeks has 17 catches for 307 yards. By comparison, Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark combined have only 247 yards in that same period. For almost a month now, this offense has run thru Pierre Garcon.


(6-6) DOLPHINS 22, (7-5) PATRIOTS 21


- I know it’s nice to have a balanced offense and all that, but let’s consider something here. The Patriots averaged 12.1 yards per pass attempt in this game, and only 3.8 per rushing attempt. Wouldn’t it make sense to do like they used to do when they were dominant and just throw the ball all the time? Why are they running it 25 times? Why is Randy Moss only touching the ball twice? Belichick just seems to be getting really squirrely lately. Like he has absolutely no faith in his defense and he’s got to make all sorts of weird decisions now because of it.

- Example, late in the first half the Pats have 4th and 1 from the Miami 6. Sammy Morris runs for no gain. Ball goes over on downs, and of course the Pats end up losing by 1. Had they just kicked a field goal they would have won. This decision is wrong on many levels. One, no reason not to take points in the first half. Two, if you are feeling froggy and you want to go for it, you’ve got sooo many people in that offense to put the ball in the hands of, why are you giving it to Sammy Morris?

- Who knew that the Dolphins could beat the Patriots by not only not running the Wildcat once, but throwing it 52 times? Credit to Tony Sparano, who actually must have watched the Pats get dismantled by the Saints in a game that exposed to everyone that they can’t defend the pass.

- Big games for a couple of wide receivers. Davone Bess had 10 catches and 117 yards for Miami, while Wes Welker had 10 for 167 for New England.

(8-4) EAGLES 34, (6-6) FALCONS 7
- A chilling vision of how bad the Falcons would be without Michael Turner. Yes, Matt Ryan did not play, but Chris Redman wasn't glaringly awful, going a acceptably ordinary 23 of 44 for 235 yards, 1 TD and 2 INTs against one of the league's better pass defenses. The Falcons ran for only 61 yards on 22 carries though, as Jason Snelling and Jerrious Norwood were both ineffective.

- Michael Vick celebrated the relinquishing of his status as sport's #1 pariah (Hello Tiger Woods!) by running for a TD and throwing for another, his first 2 meaningful contributions to the Eagles' season, with the happy coincidence being that this performance came in his return to Atlanta.

(7-5) GIANTS 31, (8-4) COWBOYS 24
- When these teams met in Week 2, the Cowboys ran for 251 yards against the Giants. This time, 45 yards. Dallas is second in the league in yards per rushing attempt, but couldn't manage 2 yards per carry in this game.

- It's traditional to blame the Cowboys perennial December failures on Tony Romo, but Romo had a great game, completing 41 passes for 395 yards and 3 TDs.

- Jason Witten has been virtually invisible most of this year, but he had his second straight game over 100 yards. He was omnipresent in this game, catching 14 passes for 156 yards.

-Miles Austin is breaking out a midseason slump. His 104 yard effort in this game gives him 17 catches for 249 yards in Dallas' last 2 games, compared to 14 for 177 in his previous 4 games.

- Dallas lost this game because of breakdowns that allowed big, game changing plays. One came on Brandon Jacobs', who is not exactly known as a big play receiver, 74 yard TD reception, the other on Domenik Hixon's 79 yard punt return for a TD.

(7-5) JAGUARS 23, (5-7) TEXANS 18

- Rex Grossman came on in the first half for an injured Matt Schaub, and was promptly intercepted on this first pass attempt. Rex went 3 of 9 for 33 yards before Schaub was re-assembled and put back on the field.

- I'm thinking this is the end for Gary Kubiak as Texans' coach. There is way too much talent on this team to be 5-7. They drafted all these supposedly talented defensive players, and they can't stop either the run or the pass. Oh, and the verdict on the great Mario Williams vs. Reggie Bush debate from the 2006 draft, they both were overrated. Mario has only 6 sacks on the season exiting week 13. This from a guy who had 14 in 2007 and 12 in 2006.

- Jacksonville continues to stubbornly hang on to that last playoff spot in the AFC despite playing to half empty houses at home. Do the Jags draft North Florida demigod Tim Tebow with a 1st round pick next year, even though they know he is not worth a 1st round pick? I think they might. Remember, this is the team that drafted former Arkansas quarterback and cocaine aficionado Matt Jones as a wide receiver with their first round pick a few years ago. If they did that to gett Matt Jones, I think they will be willing to take a flyer on Tebow. No matter what they get out of him on the field, it might be the only thing that saves NFL football in Jacksonville.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

I promise not to complain...here

Okay. I will not complain about the lamest system to determine a national champion where you have 5 undefeated teams and only two are chosen to play based off some crazy human-based computer formula.

Fiesta Bowl: TCU (12-0) vs. Boise (13-0)

I would have preferred Boise and Cincy because of their styles. Or Cincy and TCU winner would have a real beef for co-champions. As it looks, this game is the game I still look forward to the most out of the five match ups. TCU should have played for the National Championship, and Boise has the highest points per game in the nation. Good shit. The winner of this is the prestegious Patrick N National co-champion.

Sugar Bowl: Florida (12-1) vs. Cincinnati (12-0)

So Cincy gets sloppy seconds versus a team the laid an egg against the #1 team in the nation. Really, I would say Florida and Alabama would go 5-5 if they played ten times, but they only played once. The best statement Cincy's soon-to-be-Notre Dame-head-coach-but-for-now-Cincy's-head coach Brian Kelly can make is to win the Patrick N Sloppy Seconds National co-championship over a hurting Florida. I have the touch of death in picks, and fuck Florida, so I pick Florida to win the SS Championship.

Rose Bowl: Oregon (10-2) vs. Ohio State (10-2)

Is it messed up to hope Blount throws blows with some Ohio State guys? Because this match up is pretty boring.

Orange Bowl: Iowa (10-2) vs. Georgia Tech (11-2)

Iowa had a chance for a national championship, but instead they luck out and play this game. This will be zzzz.

BCS Title Game: Alabama (13-0) vs. Texas (13-0)

Texas shouldn't be here. Alabama should. This is a trap game for Alabama. If Alabama wins, well, they should have won. If they lose, Alabama choked. Fuck Texas. I hope Alabama wins 56-0. Reality? Texas will win this because Alabama will be hearing for 2 months how they are the awesomest.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

USC is how Patrick N do

Game's over, dawgs. Knee down to be cool and end the game. Oh, you called timeout because you butthurt you lost?



Dis is how Patrick N do.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Matt Stafford: A Real Man

When my friend told me the Browns were playing the Lions, I laughed my ass off like he had AIDS. So I ditched that game and ended up missing the game of the year. YES, I FUCKING SAID IT. I MISSED THAT SHIT. Here's Stafford mic'd up. This guy is a leader and the real deal. At the end of the video you can see him running from the doctors so they couldn't stop him from going on the field. Chuck Norris, you might have to move out of the way for the manliest man.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

8 In the Box- Week 11

1. Steelers lose at KC, Roethlisberger and Batch hurt
Things seem to be rapidly disintegrating for the defending Super Bowl Champs. Last week they suffered a demoralizing loss at home against the Bengals, which dropped them essentially 2 games off the pace in the AFC North. They followed that up in Week 11 by a complete disaster in Kansas City, which saw them drop a game in which they were heavily favored to the Chiefs, and then not only losing Ben Roethlisberger to the dreaded concussion related injury suffered late in the game, but then also losing their backup QB, Charlie Batch when he injured his wrist after entering for Roethlisberger. Now the Steelers are down to their 3rd string quarterback, Dennis Dixon, who we last saw blowing out his knee a couple years ago when he was an Oregon Duck. In other Steeler news, hats off to the writers of “House”, who in last night’s episode made the long overdue joke pointing out how much Omar Epps looks like Mike Tomlin. Worth pointing out that the Chiefs have been a different team since Jamaal Charles became their feature back, and Chris Chambers their number 1 wideout. They are making progress.

2. Bengals give up 10 points in last minute to lose in Oakland
The Steelers loss was a shocking one, but the Bengals losing in Oakland, and the way they lost it, was even worse. Cincinnati came into the game knowing that the Ravens and Steelers both lost, and that all they had to do was beat the horrible Raiders, who were starting the horrible Bruce Gradkowski at quarterback, and they would have the AFC North virtually sewn up by virtue of having a 2 game lead and having swept both Pittsburgh and Baltimore. Early on it looked like they would romp the way they should have, taking a 14-0 lead. Then they lost focus. The Bengals turned it over 4 times, the last being a completely inexcusable fumble on the ensuing kickoff after the Raiders tied it at 17 with less then a minute left. The fumble set up an easy Sebastian Janikowski field goal, and somehow the Bengals actually lost this game. The Bengals may be 7-3, but in this game they showed that they are still the Bengals. They are 5-0 in the AFC North, but 2-3 now outside the AFC North. Couple that with the Steelers losing in KC, and the Browns, a team who benefits everyone else in the division by being so bad, losing to the Lions, and I’m starting to think that maybe this whole division is just bad.

3. Colts go to 10-0 with close win over Ravens
You can add another entry to the seemingly endless list of games the Ravens have lost this year due to an incompetent kicking game. Indy escaped with a 2 point win over Balto due in large part to Billy Cundiff, who is replacing the dearly departed Steven Hauschka, boofing up a 30 yard field goal attempt in the 3rd quarter that had it been made in theory would have given the Ravens the win and in practice would have dramatically altered the complexion of the game. Also playing a part in the Ravens loss was their ineffectiveness in the red zone, because even though Cundiff missed that 30 yarder, he did make 5 other field goal attempts, which is really not a good thing for the Ravens. Curiously, the Ravens keep Ray Rice on the bench in goal line situations, instead opting to thaw out Willis McGahee, which is a policy they may want to rethink. Also in the category of other reasons the Ravens lost, Joe Flacco threw a horrible interception late in the game, throwing a look in pass to Ray Rice even though he had 3 Colts around him, aborting a drive that looked like it would at least end in a go ahead field goal. Ed Reed pitching the ball away on the Raven 40 on a punt return with less than 30 seconds left wasn’t such a great move either. All in all, the Colts once again do a thing they do very well, which is staying close and letting the opposition lose the game.

4. Saints blow out Bucs to stay unbeaten
The Bucs scored first, then their pirate ship was boarded by the NATO battleship that is the New Orleans Saints, who cruised to a 38-7 win to run their record to 10-0. I still maintain that the Saints haven’t really played anyone yet, but that will change this weekend when they take on the Patriots. If the Saints beat New England, I will get off their case. In the meantime, I just kind of heard about this story this week, and for all the stupid stuff that is blown completely out of proportion when it comes to the NFL, this is really a tragic story that has been for the most part completely ignored (and probably rightly so), I bring it up only because my God I cannot believe Drew Brees has been able to perform at the level he has under these circumstances..

http://www.recordherald.com/main.asp?SectionID=2&SubSectionID=2&ArticleID=134600

5. Giants save season with OT win over Falcons
Here’s the way this fantasy season has gone for me and my brother’s team. Last week we start the returning Brian Westbrook over Ladell Betts. Westbrook leaves in the 1st quarter with a concussion, Betts scores 2 TDs. This week we start Betts over Jason Snelling. Snelling scores 2 TDs, Betts blows out his knee in the 1st quarter and is out for the season. I want my money back. As for real life, both teams needed this game very badly. The Giants were coming off a bye having dropped 4 in a row, while Matt Ryan has been regressing in a grotesque way that is sort of a cross between Jay Cutler and Benjamin Button. Ryan acquitted himself nicely in this game, playing better than he has in a while, completing 57% of his passes for 2 TDs and no INTS, including a very clutch TD pass to Tony Gonzalez to send the game into overtime. But this game belonged to Eli Manning. He was absolutely huge in a game where he needed to be, throwing for 384 yards and 3 TDs. Giants win 34-31 in OT in one of the more entertaining games of this season.

6. Broncos in free fall, get blown out at home by Chargers
Not a whole lot entertaining about the Chargers 32-3 demolition of the Broncos in Denver. Unless you are a big fan of diva wide receiver sideline freak outs, in which case you enjoyed Brandon Marshall’s tiff with Knowshon Moreno. Otherwise this game just drove home just how much the Broncos have fallen off since their 6-0 start, to the point where you seriously have to consider the possibility that they could close the season with 10 straight losses. Chris Simms was so horrid in his first start since 2006 that they had to bring out the Showtime at the Apollo clown to sweep him off the stage, and brought back in the gimpy ankled Kyle Orton, who wasn’t a whole lot better. The 7-3 Chargers now lead the AFC West by a game over the Broncos, but again, like I said, this thing is over and the Broncos have a better chance of finishing 6-10 than they do of winning the AFC West in my book.

7. Warner injured in Cards win over Rams
Roethlisberger wasn’t the only Super Bowl winning quarterback to suffer a head injury last week, not even the only quarterback who played in last year’s Super Bowl. Kurt Warner exited the Cardinals win in St. Louis. Warner then had to sit next to his coach Ken Whisenhunt on the flight home and answer questions from him so Whisenhunt could get a sense of whether or not he would be able to play this week, which Whisenhunt hopes to God he can because the alternative is Matt Leinart. Whisenhunt’s assessment of the convo, “We talked about the game. We talked about this week's opponent, potential plays. He seemed very upbeat and alert, so that was a good sign." And I think my job is bad. At least I don’t have my boss sitting next to me grilling me on a 3 hour flight after I’ve gotten my head slammed into Astro Turf and my brain smashed into the inside of my skull. That’s a good thing.


8. Eagles beat Bears, Cutler struggles again, Packers stay in WC hunt with win
I continue to be so right about Jay Cutler that it hurts. In Sunday Night’s loss at home to Philly which dropped the Bears to 4-6 and pretty much killed any playoff hopes they may have had, Cutler didn’t have a 5 interception piece de resistance like he did in Week 10 against the Niners, but he did overthrow wide open receivers on 3 separate occasions on plays that would have been TDs had he just been able to hit a wide open receiver. Now we’ve got people calling the sports talk radio stations here in Chicago saying that offensive coordinator Ron Turner needs to be fired. What? I agree that Turner probably isn’t the greatest OC around, but why you would you make that assessment after this game? I mean, Turner called three plays that got a guy open by 7 to 10 yards with nothing but end zone in front of him. Isn’t that all an offensive coordinator can do? At some point doesn’t the great Pro Bowl Future Hall of Famer quarterback need to be able to throw a ball 30 yards in the air to a guy that is wide open? I think it’s official that after back to back national TV horror shows, Cutler is the new Rex Grossman, meaning he’s become a national joke. Congrats. Meanwhile, Green Bay holds on for a home win over San Francisco which puts them squarely in the wildcard picture, even more so thanks to Atlanta’s loss to the Giants.


IF THE PLAYOFFS STARTED TODAY
NFC
1. New Orleans 10-0
2. Minnesota 9-1
3. Dallas 7-3 (6-2 Conf)
4. Arizona 7-3 (5-2 Conf)
5. Philadelphia 6-4 (5-2 Conf)
6. Green Bay 6-4 (4-3 Conf)
Others Receiving Votes
NY Giants 6-4 (4-3 Conf)
Atlanta 5-5

AFC
1. Indianapolis 10-0
2. New England 7-3 (5-3 Conf)
3. Cincinnati 7-3 (5-3 Conf)
4. San Diego 7-3 (5-3 Conf)
5. Jacksonville 6-4 (5-2 Conf)
6. Pittsburgh 6-4 (4-3 Conf, win over Denver)
Others Receiving Votes
Denver 6-4 (5-3 Conf, loss to Pittsburgh)
Baltimore 5-5 (5-4 Conf)
Houston 5-5 (4-4 Conf)
Miami 5-5 (3-3 Conf)

Sunday, November 22, 2009

SEE U NEXT TIME BILLS


If you were 80+ years old and owned an NFL team, what would you do? I would beat the Bills, flip their fans off, get fined $250000, then put this sarcastic add:

Friday, November 20, 2009

Too much of a bitch to accept teams that qualify fairly? Why not cheat instead?


When you train for a soccer match, you will always have this premise: you assume you won't have to make a defensive adjustment to defend against a HANDBALL ASSIST FOR A MATCH WINNING GOAL.

After Sepp Blatter said he would LOVE for France to qualify for the 2010 World Cup, France gets a nice seeding when Seppy decides to have a seeding system out of the blue. Then when his team was about to lose, Seppy makes the call and Thierry Henry passes the ball with his hand like they were playing volleyball and William Gallas spikes that shit into the goal. YOU LOSE, IRELAND.

I made a video about Sepp hating instant replay because he wants soccer to still have a human element. By "human element" he means he can still rig matches. Buttfucked the EPL, and namely Chelsea, last year rigging the Barca/Chelsea semis so there wasn't an all EPL final, now he got the country he wanted into the World Cup. Some of you may be like, "BUT PATRICK, HOW YOU KNOW HE RIG MATCHES? IT WUZ JUZT BAD LUX, LOLLERSKATES!!!111" You stupid fuck. Seppy SAID he wanted France to win and he made seeding bullshit to help French fucks out. Why do I have to spell this shit out for you?

Then when even the French were like, "Let's just replay this shit" (direct quote), FIFA was like nah. We got what we want. Why the shit would we have a replay? If I was the Irish, I would show up to the World Cup anyway, hide in a mountain of discarded beer cans from the Irish partying the night before, get their leprechaun machetes ready, and chop Seppy's fucking balls off.

Craplacticos 3.6: Religion

In the finale of the third season of Craplacticos, we view FIFA and Sepp Blatter's approach to religion.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

8 In the Box- Week 10

1. So there was much rending of garments and gnashing of teeth over Bill Belichick’s decision to go for it on 4th and 2 from his own 28 yard line with just over 2 minutes left, leading the Colts by 6. The Patriots didn’t get it, handing the ball and for all intents and purposes, the game over to the Colts. Belichick has been pretty roundly crucified for this since then. I’ve heard words like “idiotic” thrown around by the Trent Dilfers of the world. From where I’m sitting it’s just one of those calls that looks like genius if it works, and looks completely stupid if it doesn’t. There’s no in between. The thing is, if New England does get that first down, the game is over. Indy had no way of stopping the Patriots from running out the clock. So the Pats were 2 yards away from beating a team that has won like a million regular season games in a row. If it were me, I would have done the same thing. You’ve got 2 yards to get, and you’ve got Tom Brady, Randy Moss, and Wes Welker to help you get them. The alternative is to send a defense out there that had been rolled over like freshly paved asphalt at the Brickyard for most of the 4th quarter. I say you have to go for it. Belichick did the right thing, even though it didn’t work out.

2. In a game where Cedric Benson was injured, and Chad Ochocinco was invisible, the Bengals still emerged from Heinz Field with a season sweep over the Steelers, and essentially a 2 game lead in the AFC North. They won despite not scoring a touchdown. Thus completes the quick transformation of the Bengals into the form of their rivals, the Steelers and Ravens. There had always been rumors that Marvin Lewis was actually a good defensive coach, despite it never being evidenced by any of his Bengals teams. Now, lo and behold, it looks like the rumors are true. They look like a lock to go to the playoffs, and even if Benson doesn’t play another down this season, I think they are still OK. Benson has gained a lot of yards, but it has been thru quantity, not quality. The Bengals rank 22nd in the league in yards per carry. Pretty much any running back can do that. With their defense and with Carson Palmer and a good receiving crew, they will be fine, Benson or no Benson.

3. The Colts are still undefeated thanks to an improbable win that will be remembered as probably the greatest game in the storied Colts/Patriots Rivalry of the 00s. Thanks to their good fortune of playing the unfortunate Rams, the Saints are the other member of that very exclusive club. It wasn’t very impressive, though, as they only won 28-23 and were unable to really hit a finishing move at any point in the game (the Rams were the last team to score). Come to think of it, now that I look at the Saints’ CV this season, I’m calling bullshit on them. Let’s review their 8 wins shall we? Week 1, they beat the Lions, which speaks for itself. I will note that they gave up 27 points in this game, to the Lions. Week 2 they beat the Eagles 48-22 which I guess is OK, but any conversation involving the Eagles must come with the footnote that the Eagles have lost to the Raiders, so that’s not all that impressive. Week 3 they spanked Buffalo pretty good, 27-7, but Buffalo sucks. Week 4 they beat what was then an unbeaten Jets team 24-10, but we’ve since learned the Jets are bad too as they’ve lost 5 out of their last 6 games since starting 3-0. Week 6 they beat the Giants, and so has everyone else for the last month or so. Week 7 they fell behind big on Miami but came back and won, so they hardly looked dominating there. Week 8 they beat Atlanta 35-27, and Atlanta is having some issues that I’ll get to later. Then a win over Carolina, again after falling behind. Carolina is a mediocre team. Finally there is this close win over the Rams. They haven’t beaten anybody who I’d call a good team, and in their last 4 games every team they’ve played has run for 137 yards or more. This team isn’t going to the Super Bowl. Not on my watch.

4. So getting back to the Falcons. Allow me to take this opportunity to point out that Matt Ryan has been awful this year. Not just awful by the standards of the expectations that have been set for him mind you, just plain awful by any standards. Awful as in Jason Campbell and Shaun Hill both have higher passer ratings than he does. In Ryan’s case this is especially incriminating because he is facing defenses that have to load up to stop Michael Turner, and he has two of the best receivers in the league on the field at any given time in Roddy White and Tony Gonzalez. In his last 5 games he’s thrown 10 INTs versus 7 TDs, and the team is sinking under the weight of how bad he’s been.

5. In that vein, Jay Cutler threw 5 INTs last Thursday Night against the Niners in a 10-6 Bears loss. Cutler has now thrown 17 picks this year, in nine games. I hate being right about everything, but man was I ever right about how this Jay Cutler thing would go for the Bears. Somebody please tell me where Jay Cutler has ever proven he can play the quarterback position at a level of proficiency that makes his team win games? Did he do this at Vanderbilt? In Denver? Is he doing it now with the Bears? No, no, no. Cutler can throw the ball hard. Good for him. That’s about 20% of what being a quarterback entails. You watch Jay Cutler on Thursday Night, and then watch Tom Brady and Peyton Manning on Sunday Night, and it’s clear that Brady and Manning are playing a different game than Cutler. Brady and Manning are playing chess, and Cutler is playing Candy Land. Can he read a defense? Can he adjust his protection correctly? Can he adjust routes at the line of scrimmage effectively? I’m thinking no. But he can throw hard, and far. So could Rex Grossman.


6. Well, the Broncos lead in the AFC West is officially gone. And Kyle Orton is hurt. Sunday’s 27-17 loss was to the woeful Redskins was the kind of result that really raises the defcon level for them. The Broncos offense has stunk since their bye week, evidenced by them scoring 34 points in the last 3 weeks. The defense, which was so good during the 6-0 start, has not been good since the bye week either, as they’ve been giving up 28 ½ points a game, and not exactly against offensive juggernauts in the Ravens, Steelers, and Redskins. The Broncos were a nice story for the first part of the season, but the reality is setting in that this is a team with no running game, a rapidly deteriorating defense, and now maybe relying on a quarterback who hasn’t seen any significant action since like 2006 or something.

7. This opens the door for the team that was supposed to be the default AFC West Champs, the San Diego Chargers. They’ve shaken off their annual zombie like start to win 4 games in a row and raise their record to 6-3 to vault into a tie for 1st. Their latest win came this weekend with a 31-23 decision over the Eagles, in a game that wasn’t as close as the score would have you believe. It’s a nice win for the Chargers, and pretty much par for the course for the Eagles. Philly catches a break though as the Cowboys, who looked like they were going to run away with the NFC East, just laid a complete egg up at Lambeau, losing 17-7 with only a garbage time touchdown saving them from getting shut out by a team that hadn’t beaten anyone except the Rams, Browns, Lions, and Bears this year. I just assumed the Packers were going to ball up in a corner and die after getting swept by the Brett Favres this year, and they didn’t disappoint me in losing to the Bucsicles last week, but then go and pull this one out of their ass. Go figure.

8. The Bills have fired Dick Jauron. I always liked Dick Jauron, and his 2001 Bears team was probably the last NFL team that I really lived and died with in the way that I do with the White Sox in baseball, and did with the Bears before the disintegration of the Wannstedt teams in the late 90s, and the hubris filled Lovie Smith/Jerry Angelo era of the latter part of this decade. Jauron’s teams were never exciting, but he always seemed to do OK with teams that weren’t very talented. He’s never going to get another head coaching job in the NFL, but I guess there’s always the UFL. Fare thee well, Dick Jauron.

IF THE PLAYOFFS STARTED TODAY…

NFC
1. New Orleans 9-0
2. Minnesota 8-1
3. Dallas 6-3
4. Arizona 6-3
5. Philadelphia 5-4 (4-2 Conf)
6. Green Bay/Atlanta 5-4 (4-3 Conf)

AFC
1. Indianapolis 9-0
2. Cincinnati 7-2
3. Denver 6-3
4. New England 6-3
5. Pittsburgh 6-3 (4-2 Conf)
6. San Diego 6-3 (4-3 Conf)

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Glorious Football Sunday- 2nd Half Gamethread

- The Saints must have realized the absurdity of the fact that they were tied with the Rams, because Courtney Roby takes the opening kick of the second half back 97 yards and fixes that, making it 21-14 NO.

- Now TO catches a 37 yard bomb from Trent Edwards. Who I guess is back, I am just realizing this. I literally dropped Owens this morning and now he has close to 100 yards receiving.

- Ball gets tipped in the air and picked off by Bengals D lineman Frostee Rucker, who lumbers down to the Pittsburgh 10 yard line.

- Jason Snelling is in for the injured Michael Turner, and gets the Falcons into the red zone. But on 3rd down Ryan tries to force it to Gonzalez, is lucky its not picked off, and the Falcons will probably try to kick it to pull within 21-13.

- The Bills can't capitalize on TO's big reception but do tie it up on a Rian Lindell FG. It's 17-17.

- Brees gets picked off for the second time today, this time by James Butler.

- Orton is indeed injured, and here's the spleenless Chris Simms.

- The Bengals offense melts after Frostee's INT and have to settle for a field goal, tying the Bengals/Steelers game at 9.

- 2nd TD of the game for Peterson and it's 17-3 Vikings over Detroit.

- Sanchez boofs up a swing pass and its picked off by the Jags D-line, setting up the Jaguars on the NYJ 5. The give is to MJD but he makes me yell at the TV by being my second player today to be stopped inches short of the goal line, then botching a handoff from Garrard and fumbling it away. Fuck everything.

- The Rams get a 32 yard FG after the Brees pick and pull within 21-17.

- Braylon Edwards gets a big gain on a crossing route out of the Jets end zone, but then remembers he's Braylon Edwards and fumbles it away to the Jags.

- Jon Kasay gets a FG blocked and it's still 21-13 Panthers over ATL.

- Well look at Reggie Bush today. First 2 TDs and now he's busting a 50+ yard run to get the Saints in the red zone.

- Shayne Graham hits a 32 yarder and its 12-9 Bengals over Steelers.

- Oh ho ho...very picturesque play in STL. Brees hits Colston over the middle, who goes airborne trying to get in. He's hit and the ball pops out and rolls out of the end zone for a touchback. OJ Atogwe makes the stick, and he's having a big game having picked Brees off earlier.

- Ryan makes a big 3rd and 4 conversion to Gonzalez in the red zone, the Falcons are driving. Jason Snelling is shining in relief of the injured Turner.

- The Lions have a turnover deep in Vikings territory nullified by a penalty called on a diving helmet to helmet hit on Matt Stafford, and the Lions 2 plays later get a TD pass from Stafford to Will Heller to make it 17-10 Vikings.

- Sanchez hits Braylon Edwards in the end zone for an apparent TD, but his feet they are not in bounds.

- The Jets then have to settle for a FG attempt to pull within 21-16.

- Tampa gets their 3rd field goal of the day to make it 19-9 Miami.

- Falcons have 3rd and 1 on the Panthers 3 yard line, and Jason Snelling gets stuffed. Decision time for the Silver Fox. They trail by 8 and they're going for it. Ryan rolls out and finds Justin Peele for a TD but there's flags everywhere. It's going to be defensive holding against Carolina, the score counts, and it's 21-19. We'll see if they go for 2 to tie it.

- Ced Benson is out of the Bengals/Steelers game with a hip injury.

- In Nashville, Chris Johnson breaks another long run on the option. Then Vince Young scrambles down to the 1, and it looks like the Titans are going to untie that game.

- The Saints are now up 11 on the Rams as Brees finds Robert Meachem in the back of the end zone. 28-17 NO.

- Lots of injuries today. Ronnie Brown is out with an apparent knee injury.

- Shaun Sweeeesham is good from 30 and the Redskins are tied 17-17 with Denver.

- Jeff Fisher challenges Young's run thinking it was a TD, which it clearly was not, he loses and we'll see if that comes back to haunt him and his moustache. Why you would challenge in the 4th quarter of a tie game when you have 1st and goal from the 1 is beyond me. Stupid.

- Roethlisberger picks up a big 1st down on 4th and 1 on a sneak. Steelers have 1st down near the Bengal 10, trailing 12-9.

- See there was no need to waste a timeout and a challenge. Just let Chris Johnson walk it in. 24-17 Titans over Bills.

- 3rd and 15 now for the Steelers. Ben has Santonio Holmes and Mike Wallace open in the end zone but can't get it to either of them and we have our 8th field goal of the game. 12-12.

- Hmmm..Josh Freeman with a 33 yard scoring pass to Maurice Stovall, and the Bucs now within a FG of the Dolphins, 19-16 in the 4th quarter.

- Sanchez and Edwards a very nice throw and catch conversion on 3rd and nine following a Dustin Keller drop to keep a Jets drive going into Jaguar territory with 7 1/2 minutes left in a game the Jets trail by 5.

- Now Albert Haynesworth is hurt. It's like Gallipoli out there today.

- Simms tries to add to my misery by throwing deep in the end zone to Marshall, but the Redskins intercept.

- FYI the 2 point conversion in Charlotte failed so its still 21-19 Panthers with just under 9 minutes left.

- Carson Palmer with a big completion down to Lav Coles and the Bengals are on the Steeler 24 in a tie game.

- Roddy White breaks a 34 yard reception and Atlanta is down to the Carolina 16, threatening to take the lead.

- Shonn Greene down to the Jaguar 1. Jets down 21-16 with a little over 5 minutes left. Thomas Jones punches it in and the Jets are on top.

- Brian Leonard gets stopped on 3rd and 3 in Pittsburgh and it looks like we will have yet another FG attempt.

- Edwards drops the 2 pt conversion attempt, and the Jets lead by just 1 point with 5 minutes remaining against Jax.

- Shayne Graham is good to put Cincy up 15-12 on the Steelers, but Jason Elam misses a chip shot that would have given Atlanta the lead over Carolina. They still trail with a little over six minutes left.

- We have simultaneous big completions to Sidney Rice in Minny, and Devin Thomas in DC, and the Vikings and Redskins are both knocking on the door. Minny to go up by 2 scores against Detroit, and Washington trying to take the lead on Denver.

- Favre hits the great J. Dugan for a TD and its 24-10 Vikings. Meanwhile Rod Bironas is good from 51 to put Tennesse up by 10 over Buffalo.

- Ladell Betts punches it in and the Redskins lead Denver by a TD with 2:44 left.

- Jacksonville has a huge 3rd and nine, and Garrard finds Mike Thomas for a big gain into Jet territory.

- Meanwhile, Matt Ryan continues to bring the suck, getting picked off again and Atlanta is in a lot of trouble.

- Garrard finds Marcedes Lewis over the middle and the Jags are inside the Jet 20.

- Well shove my balls between my legs and call me Bernice, Jonathan Stewart breaks a 50 yard TD run to put away Atlanta, as sad eyed 1920s motherfucker Arthur Blank looks on, ready to glove slap someone.

- Of course that TD is quickly nullified by a defensive TD for the Titans on an interception, and I'm going against their defense. I hate fantasy football, and everything in it.

- Then MJD takes a knee at the one. I'm starting my car and revving the engine, garage door closed. The broadcast team is calling this "brilliant".

- Now is the time on Sprockets where I lose my fucking mind.

- Donnie Avery has his second TD of the game and its 28-23 Saints with a little over 2 minutes left.

- Scobee proves there is no justice in this universe. He make it and Jags win 24-22.

- Shaun Sweeesham is good from 36 and the Broncos are down by 10 and pretty much done.

- Cincy has a huge 3rd and 3. Scott is stopped and Pittsburgh will get the ball back with plenty of time to score a winning TD.

- Minnesota's up 27-10 now. Let's all hope they still have a Defensive TD in them.

- The Rams have the ball down by 5 with 2:21 left. Can they pull off the upset of the year?

- Shayne Graham makes it 18-12, but the Steelers will get the ball with a little under 2 minutes left.

- 2 finals, Redskins 27-17 over Denver, Carolina over Atlanta 28-19.

- Tennessee's got another defensive TD on a Rod Hood INT. Why the fuck not.

- The Steelers do absolutely nothing with their last chance to win, and the Bengals are going to sweep the Steelers.

- Meanwhile, Chad Henne throws a horrible INT as the Dolphin try to run the clock out, and now Tampa has the ball in Miami territory and can send it into OT with a field goal or win it with a TD.

- And Cadillac Williams is down to the 1. Miami's going to lose.

- Hood's INT went right thru the hands of TO. Thanks for that.

- The Rams are moving. They are past the 50 after a Bulger to Randy McMichael completion.

- Donnie Avery just had Randall Gay incinerated but Bulger threw right into Gay's back.

- Cadillac scores to put Tampa ahead but the Dolphins still have a minute left. Why didn't Cadillac just take a knee like MJD did? Because Cadillac does not want to put me in the mental hospital.

- Bulger throws up a Hail Mary incompletion and the Saints just barely hold on to go to 9-0.

- Now the Dolphins are driving, and it looks ironically enough like the Bucs are going to lose this game because Cadillac did not pull an MJD and take a knee on the one.

- I think I need to start going to church on Sunday.

- Gambler's church.

- Ricky Williams busts a long run to set up Carpenter for an easy game winning field goal, and the Dolphins are going to beat the Bucs 25-23.

- Is it too much to ask for the Vikings defense to score a TD here?

- I guess it is.

- OK well that was incredibly frustrating. Hope you enjoyed the early games more than I did. From a football fan's perspective lots of exciting action, from my perspective, I had a guy on my fantasy team kneel down on the 1 yard line. Signing off.

Come Veg With Me- Glorious Football Sunday

-It's Sunday Morning, it's 10:30 AM, I've got my workout out of the way, no flaming shit bombs in my work email in box, so all I've got to do today is plant myself in front of the Red Zone Channel, stuff my face with pizza, Diet Dr. Pepper, and Merlot, and watch some football. If you read on, you'll feel like you were here with me, privy to all my witty quips and insightful analysis. Lucky you. I will type and update the post every half hour.

We begin with a little Fantasy Football Now on the 2 Hole, hosted by Eric Huselius. Sal Palontonio is telling me that Brian Westbrook will play today, and that the Eagles have a 15 play package for him. Great. Now instead of having the choice made for me to bench him on my 2-7 snakebitten nightmare fantasy team, I have to trot him out there and let him kill me again, because my alternative is Julius Jones or Felix Jones. Awesome.

Now Sal Pal is talking about the Chargers. Will Darren Sproles take over for LT? Who is "average" now. What? Average? How about "horrible"? Philip Rivers will probably throw 6 td passes because he's facing me and Dookie this week. We're facing a guy who had 4 guys going in that 10-6 49ers/Bears masterpiece on Thursday, and somehow they all scored like 10 or more fantasy points. How is that even possible? Meanwhile we had Vernon Davis crap down his leg. I am so much happier without fantasy football.

DeAngelo Williams WILL play today against the Falcons. So will Jonathan Sucklingston Stewart, who only scores TDs when I bench him. Causing me to start him and then have him be invisible. I call it Santana Moss Syndrome. Now Blondie here with the porn star lips is telling me that Stewart may get more carries than Williams this week. From your BJ lips to God's ears, my dear.

Anquan Boldin will play this week, which is good for me, because that means more open space for Larry Fitzgerald, who I just acquired for a draft pick this week in my annual future mortgaging trade which blows up in my face.

Today's words to live by, "Anytime you have JaMarcus Russell throwing to you, you have lower expectations."

I am pissed that the Chicago Fire lost to Real Salt Lake on stupid PK's last night. Soccer needs to solve that at every level. You don't see the NFC Championship game coming down to a field goal kicking contest if it's tied at the end of regulation.

Roddy White will start today. Well Thank God for that. Adam Schefter says Kolby Smith could be a sleeper at running back this week, and I just picked him up this week. Am I crazy enough to use him instead of Sucklingston Stewart at my other RB position that has been opened up by Clinton Portis' head trauma? I have one hour to find out.


Alright now that I've got my Fantasy Football issues out of the way, let's preview the early games.

- Falcons vs. Panthers is a very important game in the grand scheme of the NFC Wildcard picture. On the surface, this should be an easy win for the 5-3 Falcons at home against the 3-5 Falcons. But..over the last 5 games both of these teams are 3-2, so in reality this is a matchup of equals. Atlanta's run defense has been getting gashed pretty good lately, and that's Carolina's forte, so I like the Panthers by a field goal in an upset.

- The Bucs got their first win of the season last week, but they are powerless without their Vinny Testaverde uniforms, which they won't be wearing this week. Miami spanks them at the Landshark.

- I look forward to the Vikings defense scoring 80 fantasy points at home against the Lions today. I also look forward to Jared Allen doing his sack dance where he goes "Ta DAAAAA" like 7 times.

- Jags at Jets is a matchup of two teams that are not nearly as good as their 4-4 records would indicate. The Jets have lost 4 of 5 and Sanchise is starting to show some Matt Leinart-esque tendencies, while the Jaguars last 4 games have seen them go 15 rounds at home with the awful Rams and Chiefs, and get blown out by the Titans and Seahawks, two teams that have no business blowing any one out. I'll take the Jets just because they are at home. Doesn't mean they are any good.

- Best matchup of the early part of the day is the 6-2 Bengals going for their second win of the season over the 6-2 Steelers. The last time the Steelers lost to the same team twice in one season was 2006, when they got beat twice by the Ravens. I'm not in the business of picking the Steelers to lose twice to the same team in the same season. Bengals lose today.

- The Saints go to St. Louis to become 9-0.

- Tennessee seems to be replaying Vince Young's 2006 rookie season, where they started 0-5 and then won 8 of 11 to finish the season as they rallied around their horrible quarterback. They have now won 2 in a row after dropping their first 6, so they should continue to play out this script by beating the Bills today.

- The Broncos really need to stop the bleeding this week. Their 6-0 start has turned into 6-2 and the offense has stopped working. They face the tragic Redskins today, but that team could actually be getting a boost by not having to give Clinton Portis, who has been completely inept this year, any touches. The Deadskins are kind of a sexy upset pick this week, so who am I to stand in the way of that bandwagon?


- Alright it's go time. Andrew Siciliano and his giant ears are whipping us around to all the venues, setting the stage.

- Our first stop is Pittsburgh. The Bengals return the opening kickoff out to the 30. Palmer throws the first pass 20 feet over Ochocincos head and out of bounds. Not very impressive.

- 2nd down and Carson throws into DC and almost gets picked off.

- Here's an update! Sanchise rolls out, throws deep, and is intercepted! He's about 2 weeks away from being photographed drunk in a hot tub. Go have a hot dog Sancheez.

- Back in PIT now and the Bengals convert a 3rd and long. Palmer hitting 85 near the sideline.

- Whip us to Washington, where the Redskins are getting all Redskin like, with Orkman hitting Brandon Marshall for a 40 yard TD. Figures since I benched Marshall for Kolby Smith during the pregame. Fuck fantasy football forever. I mean it.

- Steven Jackson breaks a 30 yard run against the Saints.

- MJD calms my rage over the Brandon Marshall thing with a 33 yard TD run, 7-0 Jags over Jets.

- We go split screen and the Vikings are already in the goal line offense against the Lions. Favre tries to force on into the end zone to no avail.

- Michael Turner busts a 30 yard run against the Sex Panthers. We have had a gaggle of big plays already. The Falcons are in the red zone. Apparently they are on the road today, which is a surprise to me.

- Vikings fail to get it in the end zone and settle for a Longwell chip shot, 3-0 Vikings over Lions.

- Falcons peter out too and Elam manages not to clank his 30 yarder off the goalpost, making it 3-0 Falcons.

- Connor..Barth? Hits a 51 yarder to make it 3-0 Bucs over Dauphins. Party on Barth.

- Bills and Titans are wearing the throwbacks today. The Toilers should have burnt those things after the 59-0 snow raping the Patriots gave them last time they wore them.

- Shayne Graham misses a 51 yarder and the Bengals and Steelers are still 0-0.

- Oooo, Fred Jackson lines up as Wildcat QB, fakes the handoff then hits a wide open Lee Evans on a perfect strike to make it 7-0 Bills over Titans. That's way better than anything Ryan Fitzpatrick could do. I say make Fred Jackson the QB. The media is after all, very desirous that a black QB succeed.

- The Jets have driven into scoring range. They've got 3rd and 12 from the Jacksonville 14. Sanchez is in the shotgun and overthrows a screen to Thomas Jones. Cue Price Is Right losing horns.

- The Redskins are in the red zone? This should be interesting. Campbell throws an incompletion and Betts runs for a couple of yards and it's now 3rd and goal.

- OJ Atogwe picks off Drew Brees and the Saints are struggling a bit with the Rams. Still 0-0.

- Campbell hits Jedi Master Todd Yoder to tie the Broncos at 7.

- Miami's got 3rd and 4 deep in Tampa territory. And Chad Henne hits Greg Camarillo to set the Fins up at the 1.

- Jay Feely hits a 32 yarder to make it 7-3 Jax over NYJ.

- Well here's a good sign, Jonathan Stewart is actually on the field. And Steve Smith gets the Panthers down to the 1. Could it be? Stewart maybe getting a TD when I actually start him?

- YES! It could be! TD Stewart! Panthers lead ATL 7-0.

- Ronnie Brown puts Miami up 7-3 on Tampa.

- Jeff Reed is lining up for a 28 yarder, hits it, and its 3-0 Steelers over Bengals.

- Usama Young terrorizes Marc Bulger with a pick in the end zone, and the Rams brief flirtation with competence goes for not.

- Vince Young is throwing passes that are 5 yards closer to the defender than to the receiver he is trying to throw to.

- He makes up for it by dropping it in to Nate Washington for a 25 yard gain and a first down. Vince Young has what has to be the ugliest throwing motion I've ever seen in an NFL quarterback. He like skips before he throws it, then shotputs a rainbow downfield.

- I don't think Vince Young ever has 2 feet on the ground at any given time. Like a racehorse kind of. But not in a good way.

- Bernard Scott takes a kickoff all the way back for the Bengals, and they are now up 7-3 on the Steelers.

- Chris Johnson just afterburns past everyone for a 28 yard touchdown run, and its 7-7 in Buffalo.

- Jason Hanson misses a FG attempt and it's still 3-0 Vikings.

- We get an extended sit down with the Saints and Rams. New Orleans faces a 3rd and 4, and Brees dumps it off to some white dude I've never heard of for a 20 yard gain and a first down into Rams territory.

- Hmmm...we apparently have a DEN/WSH update coming. If Marshall scored another TD I'm jumping in the tub with my toaster.

- OK good, it's just Correll Buckhalter fumbling.

- Adrian Peterson breaks a long run to put the Vikings in scoring position.

- Then the Vikings try some goofy razzle dazzle running a reverse, Peterson botches the exchange and the Lions recover. Razzle freakin dazzle! You really have to open up that playbook to penetrate that turgid Lions defense huh Chili?

- Saints and Rams scoreless after 1 but the Saints are threatening.

- Josh Scobee clanks a field goal attempt and its still 7-3 Jags over Jets.

- Sanchez hits Jerricho Cotchery downfield and tack on a roughing the passer so the Jets are deep in Jax territory.

- And here's Marshall catching a 75 yard TD pass. Looks like its suicide again for me. I need a drink.

- Sanchez hits Cotchery for a TD and its 10-7 Jets. Meanwhile Brees hands off to Bush out of the shotgun for a 5 yard TD and the Saints are finally on the board.

- Vince Young hits Nate Washington in stride for a TD and its 14-7 Titans over Bills.

- This Brandon Marshall thing is just ruining my day.

- But that's why Jesus invented red red wine.

- And guacamole.

- DeAngelo Williams breaks a long run, and the Panthers are inside the Falcons 5.

- Only another Jonathan Stewart TD can qwell my rage right now. But he gets the ball and gets stuffed and now Stewart's back on the bench.

- 3rd and goal and Delhomme finds Steve Smith in the end zone, who gets away with a pushoff but makes a great catch to put the Panthers up 14-3 on Atlanta.

- Sakmon Gado is apparently on the Rams now. He just ran for a first down.

- Bulger fumbles but the Rams recover. Bulger then throws a TD to Donnie Avery and it's 7-7 in St. Louis. Wellity wellity wellity.

- OOOOOO...Marshall gets blowed up by Rocky McIntosh. That makes me feel a little better, I guess.

- The Jags are inside the Jets 20 after a Garrard to Torry Holt completion. Let's hope MJD can get in the end zone.

- Nope. Garrard takes off and runs it in to put Jax up 14-10 on the Jets.

- Michael Turner already has 91 yards rushing, but the Falcons still trail 14-3.

- Roddy White wearing his Harry Potter invisibility cloak again I see.

- Matt Ryan just doesn't look good. Very tentative and not accurate with his throws.

- Falcons go for it on 4th and 8, and Ryan tries to hit White unsuccessfully. He's saved by a PI penalty though and the Falcons get the 1st down.

- Michael Turner's over 100 yards rushing.

- Brees hits Reggie Bush who sprints to the end zone for his second TD of the game, and it's 14-7 Saints over Rams.

- Adrian Peterson is in and it's 10-0 Vikings. Roddy White gets stopped a yard short of the end zone. It's going to be one of those fantasy days for me.

- TO is melting down on the sidelines in Buffalo. They are playing circus music for him on the RZ channel.

- Chris Johnson is over 1000 rushing yards on the season, the first one to get there. Toilers now lead Buffalo 17-7.

- Michael Turner is receiving medical attention, while in Miami Dan Carpenter hits a FG to make it 9-3 Dolphins over Tampa.

- Jason Snelling gets absolutely drilled by Jon Beason trying to get into the end zone from the 1. He didn't make it, but on the next play he walks it on a toss and makes it 14-10 Carolina.

- Whoooooaaaa...TO just pulled in a 49 yard pass from Fitzpatrick to set the Bills up 1st and goal inside the five. He caught a pass! He's yelling on the sideline! He's back! Right after I released him from my 2-7 team!

- Lee Evans gets TD #2 of the day and it's 17-14 Titans over Bills now.

- Favre throws up a fair catch to ball to Sidney Rice for a long completion. He's 14 of 15 for 232 yards when he's out of the pocket this year.

- Roethlisberger swings it out to San Antonio Holmes who has the Steelers inside the Bengal 5 and threatening to tie or take the lead.

- Trickery for the Redskins as Hunter The Punter Smith throws a 39 yard scoring pass to Mike Sellers, and the Redskins are tied with Denver 14-14.

- Ben gets sacked on 3rd and goal and the Steelers will have to settle for a FG. Meanwhile the Vikings keep making it harder than it needs to be by handing off to the fullback on 4th and 1 and getting stuffed. In Jersey Garrard hits Mike Sims-Walker for a TD and it's 21-10 Jaguars.

- Jarrous Byrd leads the NFL in picks and he has his 8th now, as he just called a fair catch on an errant VY lollipop.

- Matty Ice gets picked off as he air mails one to Michael Jenkins, and the Panthers have it in Atlanta territory. Meanwhilst, the Rams are threatening to tie it against the Saints as they have it on the 5.

- Delhomme finds Muhsin Muhammad and the Panthers are inside the Atlanta 10.

- Steven Jackson moves the pile into the end zone and the Rams are tied with the Saints at 14 with less than a minute left in the first half.

- Peterson breaks thru the line and looks like he's off to the races to make it 17-0, but Philip Buchanon runs him down and punches the ball out, which rolls out of the end zone for a touchback.

- The Panthers are down in what I wish would be Jonathan Stewart territory. But Williams is in there. Why does everything suck so much.

- Fuck you Stewart. He gets stuffed from the 2 yard line.

- Delhomme hits Smith over the middle in the end zone for a TD. Smith looks shaken up but its 21-10 Panthers.

- Jay Feely's good from 37 and its 21-13 Jaguars.

- It looks like Jason Taylor has picked off Josh Freeman and taken it back for a TD. Or returned a fumble or something. But we have our old friend the inadvertent whistle blowing the play dead after the fumble nullifying the TD. But Henne hits Fasano anyway for the score and its 16-3 Dolphins.

- Meanwhile the Steelers continue to show a penchant for getting sacked in the red zone as Ben goes down. It's now 2nd and goal and Ben throws it out of the end zone.

- Rod Bironas is trying a 60 yard field goal with one second left in the first half.

- On 3rd and goal a pass goes right thru the fingers of Santonio Holmes in the end zone and the Steelers will have to try a field goal again. Meanwhile the Broncos kick a field goal to make it 17-14, while Kyle Orkman is headed to the locker room apparently injured.

- Jeff Reed makes it 9-6 Steelers.

- Bironas is short from 60 and Fred Jackson somehow fails to run it back for a TD as usually happens when someone runs back a FG attempt.

- Jason Hanson is on to try a FG before halftime that would send the Lions to the locker room down just 10-3, and he makes it.

- Miami gets another field goal from Carpenter and its 19-6 Dolphins over Tampa.

HALFTIME!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Craplacticos 3.5: The Fear of Instant Replay

Craplacticos 3: Episode 5
Why is Blatter scared of instant replay?

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Week 9 NFC East Highlights

It was an interesting week in the NFC East. At the top of the division, you had a big matchup between the Eagles and Cowboys, who were tied atop the division at 5-2 entering the game. Who would win this big game between two teams with a penchant for crapping down their legs in big games?? Would it end in a tie? If it did would Donovan McNabb know a game can end in a tie this time? Let’s go to the highlights! I don’t have permission to show them to you, but I’ll describe what I see, should be riveting..

- Hey there’s Brian Westbrook! He’s on the sideline, concussed, just like all my Fantasy running backs.

- 1st series of the game, Jeremy Maclin is open on a crossing pattern, and McNabb hits him in stride. Maclin celebrates by batting the ball in the air into the arms of Cowboys DB Gerald Sensabaugh. Wheee! That sets the Cowboys up in Philly territory.

- That leads to Romo throwing a quick out to Kevin…Ogletree? Who has a nice RAC that takes him inside the Philly 5 yard line.

- Now its WILDCAT time! Tashard Choice takes the direct snap and choo choo chooses to run it in from 2 yards out. RRROWRRR! 7-0 Cowboys.

- Fast forward to inside the 2 minute warning before half. Cowboys at their own 20, and Romo hits Patrick Crayton on a skinny post, and Crayton is off to the races. Until he gets caught from behind by a linebacker. Terrible.

- Of course, Crayton’s failure to outrun a man 60 pounds heavier than him leads to the Cowboys failing on 3 attempts to score inside the 10 yard line, culminated by Romo failing to see a wide open Jason Witten doing jumping jacks in the corner of the end zone on 3rd down. They have to settle for a FG and its 10-6 Cowboys at the half.

- The Eagles come out in the second half, and McNabb does a nice job evading the rush and dumping off to LeSean McCoy who turns it into a huge gain down to the Dallas 15. If this were Jay Cutler, he would have held the ball looking vainly for a receiver downfield, then gotten sacked, and had everyone feel bad for him that he has no offensive line.

- 2 plays later, McNabb runs around and then throws a Don Majkowski special (meaning I thinks he was over the line of scrimmage) to Brent Celek for a TD. Eagles lead 13-10.

- We’re late in the 3rd quarter now. McNabb tries to hit Jeremy Maclin on the post downfield, but he’s picked off by Mike Jenkins just past midfield. Jenkins flaps his arms like a bird. Caw! Caw! So far that’s twice McNabb’s been picked off trying to hook up with Maclin.

- Romo then throws that quick out again, this time to Roy Williams, who picks up about 20 yards and gets inside the Philly 30.

- 3rd and 5 from the 15, Romo is pressured and slings it to Williams, who can’t come up with it. Field goal time. And we’re tied at 13 early in Q4.

- McNabb converts a big 3rd and 12, finding Maclin near the sideline.

- Here’s where the game turns. 3rd and 1 just inside the 50. McCoy gets stuffed setting up 4th and 1. McNabb runs the sneak, and the ball is spotted a good half yard short of the first down marker. Ball goes over on downs to Dallas and there is jubilation.

- Andy Reid then challenges the spot. Eagles backup TE Alex Smith pumps his fist and whoops it up as Reid throws the red flag, because we know Andy Reid is soooo successful on challenges.

- The replay is apparently inconclusive, and the spot and the call stand. Which I think was the right call. McNabb’s sneak attempt was horrible, looked like his plan was just to lay on top of people while holding the ball near his crotch. I would deny him the 1st down on principle.

- Now the Cowboys face a 3rd and 14 at midfield, and Romo places the ball nicely between the corner and safety, where it drops into the waiting hands of Miles Austin, who runs it in for the go ahead score. Cowboys lead 20-13 with 8 minutes left.

- Eagles quickly get in Dallas territory, but McNabb takes a sack on 3rd and long. There’s 5 minutes left and the Eagles trail by 7, but Reid elects to send David Akers out for a 52 yard field goal, which he makes. But now the Eagles still need a touchdown and now they don’t have the ball anymore. Sooo..

- The Cowboys get a first down run from Marion the Barbarian, then a big 3rd and 3 conversion from Romo to Witten, and it’s game over. The Eagles never get the ball back. Andy Reid goes back to his Drug Emporium to ponder his decision.

So, the Cowboys get a big win on the road to move to 6-2 and first place in the NFC East, so they are well on their way to a first round playoff exit, just like the good old days. The free falling Giants, meanwhile, welcomed the 4-3 Chargers, who since it’s November are about ready to start playing for real now. Let’s go to the magical highlight machine..

- This is the first meeting between QB Class of 2004 valedictorians Eli Manning and Philip Rivers. Only one can survive.

- Not much happens for the first 8 minutes until Lawrence Tynes lines up for a field goal, and well, he just doesn’t feel like kicking the ball apparently. Kind of a reverse Lucy and Charlie Brown as the Scotsman runs right past the ball. Jeff Feagles picks it up and is unable to use his Fran Tarkenton-like broken field skills to make a play. Still 0-0.

- Rivers then goes to work near midfield, hitting Vincent Jackson down to the Giant 30 yard line.

- On 3rd and 10, Rivers then astutely finds Antonio Gates being covered by someone wearing a number in the 90s, which I’m pretty sure is not a very good matchup, and now the Chargers have first and goal inside the 10.

- Very next play, Rivers hits VJax on a post in the end zone and its 7-0 Chargers.

- Now it’s time for Eli Manning to go to work, and justify the Giants trading for him 5 years ago. Because winning the Super Bowl means nothing if he does not defeat Philip Rivers. Here’s a big 3rd and long conversion to Steve Smith. Can’t anyone defend a 3rd and 15 in this league anymore? Geez, how hard is it?

- 3rd and 10 now on the Chargers 25. Manning takes a 20 step drop and has all day to cycle thru his progressions, and finds his 6th option, Darcy…Johnson? For a first down.

- That sets up another 3rd down, this time 3rd and goal from the five. Eli again has plenty of time, and dinks it to Steve Smith for what feels like his first touchdown since before anyone knew there were 2 Steve Smiths, and we’re tied at 7.

- We move to the second half. Rivers bamboozles the Giants with a play action fake, then looks for VJ in the endzone. It’s incomplete, but Corey Webster’s defensive technique of slapping Jackson in the facemask is not legal. So it’s 1st and goal from the 1, and Rivers finds the great Kris Wilson on a play action pass to make it 14-7 SD.

- Giants get the ball back and Hakeem Nicks turns a bubble screen into a 29 yard gain into Charger territory. Setting up a Tynes field goal to make it 14-10 Chargers.

- Manning is on fire now, he hits Mario Manningham over the middle setting up the Giants in the red zone.

- 2nd and goal Manning finds New Jersey’s other Boss, Kevin Boss, for a TD to make it 17-14 Big Blue.

- It seems like nobody has used a running play in this game.

- 3 ½ minutes left to play now, Chargers on their own 20. Rivers gets PICKED OFF by Terrell Thomas, who returns it to the 4. Now all the Giants need to do is give it to one of their vaunted running backs and they are up by 2 scores with barely any time left. This game is Ovah! Right?!?

- No! Because the Giants then get a holding penalty which pushes them back 10 yards.

- They can’t convert, have to kick a field goal, and they are up by only 6 with just under 2 minutes left. Uh ohhhhh.

- And Rivers is running the minute drill very nicely, hitting Malcolm Floyd over the middle to get into plus territory.

- Hey the middle of the field is wide open again! Darren Sproles will take 25 more yards dankyouverymuch.

- And then why not leave the guy who has caught 1 TD pass and set up another be open by 5 yards near the pylon for the winning score! Run around Philip Rivers! You are vindicated!

- Shawn Merriman sacks Eli on the last desperation play of the game and gives us a Lights Out dance, which we’ll rename the “Not So Good Since the Steroid Suspension” dance.

Chargers win 21-20 to go to 5-3 on the season, despite generating only 226 yards of total offense, all of which I think came on the last drive of the game. The Giants have now lost 4 in a row, and are stuck in a shame spiral.

Speaking of shame, the Redskins are no strangers to that. But they’ve had a bye week to do some soul searching, and who knows what Sherm Lewis would have on his bingo card for this game in Atlanta against a Falcons team coming off a short week following an MNF loss in the Superdome. Aaaaaaand…action!

- Well waddaya know, the Falcons are already on the Redskins 1 yard line. Natty Ice fakes to Turner and waggles to Gonzalez in the end zone and it’s 7-0 Falcons. So with the Redskins offense it’s pretty much game over.

- However, we press on. Here’s Clinton Portis getting knocked silly. See you in 2010, Clinton.

- The Redskins keep being all Redskin-like. Campbell tries to throw a pass to Fred Davis, which bounces off his hands to Falcon DB Chris Owens, who then strolls 50 yards to the end zone to make it 14-0 Atlanta.

- For some reason they decide to keep playing. Ryan pitches to Michael Turner, and well, it would have been a touchdown if they were playing flag football on a 500 yard field. 21-0 Falcons.

- The Redskins are frustrated with life, so LaRon Landry hits Ryan late as he scrambles out of bounds. The stupid part was this happened on the Falcons sideline, so Landry is then mobbed by a bunch of opposing players. The Silver Fox, Mike Smith gets all up in his face.

- This being the Redskins and pretty much nobody caring about anything, only one player comes to Landry’s defense as he’s mobbed by about 30 Falcons players.

- It’s 24-3 in the second half now. And the Redskins somehow have managed to get to the Falcons 1 yard line. But it is 4th down. They hand off to Ladell Betts who punches it in. 24-10 Falcons.

- 4th quarter now, and the Redskins are threatening again? The fuck? Campbell rolls out and hits Todd Yoder in the corner of the end zone. Yoder uses his vast knowledge of the Force to somehow keep both feet in bounds, and the Redskins only trail by 7 in the 4th quarter? BINGO!

- This burst of competitiveness flames out though. On the ensuing possession Michael Turner breaks thru the lines and a few arm tackles to go 60 some yards and end the charade. Falcons win 31-17.

- Atlanta is 5-3 and along with the Eagles are currently in the drivers seat for the 2 NFC Wildcard spots. The Redskins are 2-6.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Craplacticos 3: Problems with Money

In the fourth out of six episodes, this video reviews FIFA and Sepp Blatter's misuse of funds.

Tom Cable: Loser or Piece of Shit?

Is a record of 2-6 really worth keeping this dipshit as head coach of the Oakland Raiders? I would have fired this guy already, but you know Al "PowerPoint" Davis wants to prove everyone wrong by hiring the next hotel manager or bus driver as a head coach. Now you have Tom Cable: strategic mastermind, hero, woman beater. That was a multiple-choice test, btw. Here is a detailed history of Tom Cable's life:

1989: Beat his first wife
1999: Beat his girlfriend
2009: Beat his girlfriend
2009: Only beat two teams as NFL head coach

So from my extensive and detailed research, you can see that Al Davis thought Tom Cable's experience of giving women white, wheat, and the sourdough sides of his hand was enough experience to coach his team. Having already made a mockery of Al Davis's Raider slogans of "Just win baby" and "Commitment to Excellence," he now has added a new slogan: "Commitment to beating women, baby." See what I did there? That was so awesome of me.

Davis, you don't need a PowerPoint presentation to prove to everyone why you should fire Tom Cable, just do it already.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Craplacticos 3: Power of the World Cup

In the third episode out of six for the season, the video takes a look at why FIFA is such a powerful and influential organization.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Week 7, Confidence Pool Style



So since way back in 2001, my friends and I have been doing a weekly confidence pool. That's the old office pool style picks that start with picking the winner of the game you are least confident in and putting 1 point on it, all the way up to putting the most points on the game you are most confident in. When the smoke clears each week, it's interesting to look back on the results and either pat yourself on the back for being a genius, or do the facepalm and wonder what the hell you were thinking. This week was definitely the latter for me. Patrick has been kind enough to point out how good my picks have been this year, but in Week 7 they were terrible. Let's run them down.

13-COLTS 42, RAMS 6

There was a time in this thing where if the Rams were at home you automatically laid a whole bunch of points on them. That time was a long long time ago. Now the Rams are the kind of team prognosticators love because you can count on them to get drilled every week. The Colts are the best team in the league right now, so that made this really, really easy. Everyone in my pool put at least 10 points on the Colts here, and they didn't disappoint. The Colts blow out the Rams, although Pierre Garcon's troubling disappearing act continues. Troubling for my fantasy team, not for the Colts. One bright spot for the Rams, Steven Jackson got in the Halloween spirit by returning from the dead to rush for 134 yards. Why you would be running the ball when you are losing by 36 points is beyond me though.




12-PATRIOTS 35, BUCS 7

Only 3 TD's against the Yucks, Captain Terrific? And 2 INTs to drop 4 points off your fantasy total to boot, so really its like 2 1/2 TDs. I feel disappointment. I'm looking at the Bucs schedule, and I think you can go ahead and put them down for 0-16. I don't see any wins here for them. They may have a chance in Week 13 at Carolina, maybe the next week at home against the Jets, but I really have to suspend disbelief to see them winning those games. Other than that they all pretty much look like automatic losses to me. 0-16. Write it down.



CARDINALS 24, 11- GIANTS 17

Wellity, wellity, wellity, welcome to big boy table for real Arizona Cardinals. Somehow, this team made the Super Bowl last year despite completely crapping their pants on pretty much every visit to the East Coast. Who can forget when they gave up 56 points to the Jets at the very same Meadowlands they played in this past weekend? Or the 48 the Eagles hung on them in Philly, or their 47-7 loss when they went up against the Patriots and their Super Snow Powers in Foxboro last year? Surely they would go East and get clobbered again? That's what I thought, that's what everyone else in my pool thought (we placed an average of 10 1/2 points on them). Everyone thought wrong. The Cardinals got Eli Manning to throw 3 picks, and won despite the Giants getting a very fortunate Football Follies TD on a tipped pass to Hakeem Nicks. Take that out and this was complete domination. As a cherry on top, Beanie Wells looks like he might actually give the Cards a viable running threat. I have to say, the Cardinals are surprising me by not going away this year.





BILLS 20, 10-PANTHERS 9

We've seen this movie before with the Rams and the Bengals, already bad team loses their starting quarterback for the year, plan B is Ryan FitzHarvard, team quits on inept quarterback, runs the table in the opposite direction losing by 30 every week. I think that's what we all expected to happen when the Bills found themselves in that situation. Instead, they've won 2 games in a row on the road, against teams which fancy themselves playoff contenders. The Panthers may fancy themselves that, but after this debacle it's obvious this thing has gone off the rails. Jake Delhomme should not throw the ball 44 times in a game, not when you've got 2 running backs like DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart. If he does, he's going to get picked off 3 times, like he did in this one. The Panthers outgained the Bills 425-167 in this game and it was still a double digit loss. How is that even possible? I guess it's because the Bills won the turnover stat 4-0, but my God. Buffalo is 3-4 now by the way. Dick Jauron can be a dangerous coach when he doesn't have to have his team pretend to play 21st century football. This is how he likes it, horrible quarterback necessitating ridiculously conservative gameplan, let other team that makes things harder than they need to be for themselves turn it over 4 times, win game and leave everyone confused.





9 PACKERS 31, BROWNS 3
In retrospect, it was really stupid of me to put only 9 points against the Browns. The other 6 guys in the pool all put 11. On the plus side, check out this song I wrote...
(to tune of "Magnificent" by u2..
"MANGENNNNNIUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! MANGENNNNIUSSSSSSSSSSSSS!! I was bornnnn...I was bornnn..to coach your team for you....MANNNNGENNNIUSSSS!!....oooooh opportunity period for youuu...no shoulderpads for youu...MANGEEENNNIUSSS!!"





8 STEELERS 27, VIKINGS 17


I knew that the Vikings were not long for being undefeated, so credit to me for picking them to lose this one. Really, this should have been their 3rd loss of the season. The Favre to Greg Lewis pass against the Niners should have been loss #1, and the 4th quarter collapse against the Ravens last week would have been #2 if Steven Hauschka didn't blow what should have been the game winning field goal. Minnesota's 6-1, but they should be better than they are, if that makes any sense. I don't see how a defense with that much talent gives up that many points, and I don't like the path they are going down with making this Brett Favre's offense rather than Adrian Peterson's offense. This isn't going to end well for them. Meanwhile, the Steelers score 2 defensive touchdowns and are now back on top of the AFC North at 5-2. The funny thing about them is they seem to play close games every week whether they are facing the Lions and Browns or the undefeated Vikings. They're not going to get anywhere near the Super Bowl this year, but I admire their moxie.




7 EAGLES 27, REDSKINS 17

Although I picked the Eagles here and a goodly number of points on them, I also needed Clinton Portis to have a decent game to win in Fantasy. Thus violating one of my 10 life axioms, that if ever you find yourself rooting for the Redskins, something has gone horribly wrong. Unfortunately for me Sherm Lewis' bingo card was filled with plays that called for Portis to line up in front of the quarterback and hip bump a pass rusher like he's Alfonso Soriano after a Cubs win. And when Portis did get the ball he stumbled around like Larry Johnson on payday. Not good. The Eagles, meanwhile, get the taste of losing to the Raiders out of their moufs. Not very impressively though, they were still outgained by the Deadskins, and won only because the Dan Snyder All Stars turned it over 4 times.




6 BENGALS 48, BEARS 10

I invited my dad over to watch this game with me to calm his nerves before he underwent invasive bladder surgery on Monday. Little did I know that invasive bladder surgery would be much more enjoyable than watching the Bears piss themselves in this game. My favorite part was Lovie Smith's interview with the sideline reporter on the way to the locker room after a Robbie Gould field goal pulled them to within 31-3, Lovie said, "We've got some momentum." This was probably the worst I've ever seen the Bears play since the late Wannstedt era, when they were rolling out Steve Stenstrom at QB. Possible exception is late in the year they played in Champaign, when Henry Burris and Corey Sauter were at QB. The difference here is that Bears are now paying Jay Cutler a bajillion dollars so that they don't ever get embarrassed like this, because in theory even if the defense sucks as bad as it did against the Bengals he can gunsling them back into the game. In theory. Didn't work out that way here. The magical Cutler has put up an 82.9 rating in 6 games, nestling him 0.3 points above Seneca Wallace..awesome!




SAINTS 46, 5 DOLPHINS 34



I was absolutely sure the Saints were going down this week. I loved the way the Dolphins had been playing, and it just seemed to make perfect sense that with the Saints having to go on the road to play them on grass that the Dolphins would hang an L on them. Nobody else in my pool picked Miami, in fact they all put at least 5 points on the Saints. Miami got out to a 24-3 lead, and I felt like I was Stephen Hawking. Just as I was proving the existence of the Higgs Bosom, the Dolphins started collapsing in the 4th quarter. Next thing I knew the Saints were up by 2 scores and my iron clad upset of the week had gone down the drain. Well, you can't have 2 INTs run back for touchdowns and expect to beat a team like the Saints that certainly does not need their defense to score for them to win. Chad Henne looked very un-Brady like in this game. Kudos to Ricky Williams for scoring 3 TDs here against his old team, he and Ced Benson were like cosmic twins this week.







COWBOYS 37, 4 FALCONS 21


Remember what I said about the Cardinals getting to sit at the big boy table after going on the road and beating the Giants? The Falcons could have sat at that table too with a win here, and I believed in them. The assignment shouldn't have been that hard, go down to Caligula's Palace and beat some of the little remaining life out of the wheezing carcass of the Cowboys. I mean, the Boys had to go to OT to beat the Chefs their last time out, so how hard could it be? They seemed to be following the script for most of the first quarter, unti Tony Romo found out the Falcons were completely unable to cover Miles Austin. Austin took over the game for the second time in a row (he did the same thing in the win over the Chiefs), and finished with 171 receiving yards and 2 TDs as the Cowboys cruised to their most impressive win of the year. They are right there in the NFC East, just a half game behind the Giants for the lead. The Falcons, meanwhile, are 2 games behind the Saints and going to have to duke it out with a bunch of other teams for the wildcard in all likelihood.



TEXANS 24, 3 49ERS 21
I think the Niners have failed me for the last time. I was on board with them after they got off to a 3-1 start, with the one loss being a game in the Metrodome they should have won, but they are going backwards now. They fell behind 21-0 in this game, before Mike Singletary finally pulled the plug on Shaun Hill and put in Alex "David Carr v 2.0" Smith. Miracle of miracles, Smith was completely effective, throwing 3 TD passes to Vernon Davis to bring the Niners within 24-21. Unfortunately, that's as close as they would get. The Texans now have a winning record, and have won 3 of their last 4 with the only blemish being a loss on the road against what is turning out to be a very good Cardinals team. For the 4th week in a row, they held their opponent to under 60 yards rushing, and Matt Schaub and the offense rank 4th in yards per pass attempt. The Texans finally seem to be putting it together, and if they can get Steve Slaton and the running game going, they are going to make the playoffs for the first time ever. And Liverpool beat Man U last week. Everything is coming up Oli.