Wednesday, December 9, 2009
My interview for the Notre Dame job
I recently went for a super-secret job interview for the position of Notre Dame head coach. I was their top candidate, obviously. I am going to share how it went because that is what a nice guy I am.
Notre Dame Athletic Director: Thank you for taking the time from your busy schedule of teabagging Jay Cutler to interview with us.
Patrick N: No problem. And thanks.
NDAD: Thanks for the chance at the interview?
Patrick N: No, for letting me piledrive your mom.
NDAD: Coo. Coo. So the last three head coaches we've had have been fired. What are you going to do different than those coaches?
Patrick N: I'm going to bang all the students for morale. Then I'm going to recruit from the UFL, Arena League, and Canadian Leagues offering them scholarships and a chance to play for a program that matters more than the leagues they're playing in.
Then I will hire my coaches by holding a Madden 2010 tournament. The winner will be my XO Head Coach to take my place when I'm busy doing your mom, and the one with the highest points will be my offensive coordinator, and the player with the least amount of points carried by the coefficient of the takeaways inverted by the sacks produced...it's a complicated formula but basically my formula will determine who will be my defensive coordinator.
NDAD: That sounds like a bold, refreshing, winning approach.
Patrick N: Shut the fuck up, douchebag.
NDAD: How are you going to make sure this program becomes an elite program like Florida, USC, and Texas?
Patrick N: Have a pussy ass schedule like Boise State and Ohio State so I can go undefeated, and I'll make sure to run up the score to have the #1 offense in all of college football.
NDAD: Finally, how long do you think it will take to win us a national championship? Most coaches it takes 2-3 years.
Patrick N: It'll take me one year.
NDAD: JUST ONE?
Patrick N: Just one.
NDAD: Why do you think that?
Patrick N: Why is Pluto not a planet anymore? Fuck off me, bitch.
NDAD: Thank you again for your time. We'll contact you when we pick you as head coach OOPS I mean go through the process.
Patrick N: Have you seen therapist?
NDAD: I don't have psychological issues.
Patrick N: Therapist isn't for psychological issues. Separate the first three letters with the rest of the word.
Patrick N: :D
They called that hour to ask me if I wanted to take the position, but like a girl you just wanted to bang and run, I said I was getting back with my ex-girlfriend so I couldn't take the job. By ex-girlfriend I mean his daughter.
So the job is still open guys. Your welcome.