-It's Sunday Morning, it's 10:30 AM, I've got my workout out of the way, no flaming shit bombs in my work email in box, so all I've got to do today is plant myself in front of the Red Zone Channel, stuff my face with pizza, Diet Dr. Pepper, and Merlot, and watch some football. If you read on, you'll feel like you were here with me, privy to all my witty quips and insightful analysis. Lucky you. I will type and update the post every half hour.
We begin with a little Fantasy Football Now on the 2 Hole, hosted by Eric Huselius. Sal Palontonio is telling me that Brian Westbrook will play today, and that the Eagles have a 15 play package for him. Great. Now instead of having the choice made for me to bench him on my 2-7 snakebitten nightmare fantasy team, I have to trot him out there and let him kill me again, because my alternative is Julius Jones or Felix Jones. Awesome.
Now Sal Pal is talking about the Chargers. Will Darren Sproles take over for LT? Who is "average" now. What? Average? How about "horrible"? Philip Rivers will probably throw 6 td passes because he's facing me and Dookie this week. We're facing a guy who had 4 guys going in that 10-6 49ers/Bears masterpiece on Thursday, and somehow they all scored like 10 or more fantasy points. How is that even possible? Meanwhile we had Vernon Davis crap down his leg. I am so much happier without fantasy football.
DeAngelo Williams WILL play today against the Falcons. So will Jonathan Sucklingston Stewart, who only scores TDs when I bench him. Causing me to start him and then have him be invisible. I call it Santana Moss Syndrome. Now Blondie here with the porn star lips is telling me that Stewart may get more carries than Williams this week. From your BJ lips to God's ears, my dear.
Anquan Boldin will play this week, which is good for me, because that means more open space for Larry Fitzgerald, who I just acquired for a draft pick this week in my annual future mortgaging trade which blows up in my face.
Today's words to live by, "Anytime you have JaMarcus Russell throwing to you, you have lower expectations."
I am pissed that the Chicago Fire lost to Real Salt Lake on stupid PK's last night. Soccer needs to solve that at every level. You don't see the NFC Championship game coming down to a field goal kicking contest if it's tied at the end of regulation.
Roddy White will start today. Well Thank God for that. Adam Schefter says Kolby Smith could be a sleeper at running back this week, and I just picked him up this week. Am I crazy enough to use him instead of Sucklingston Stewart at my other RB position that has been opened up by Clinton Portis' head trauma? I have one hour to find out.
Alright now that I've got my Fantasy Football issues out of the way, let's preview the early games.
- Falcons vs. Panthers is a very important game in the grand scheme of the NFC Wildcard picture. On the surface, this should be an easy win for the 5-3 Falcons at home against the 3-5 Falcons. But..over the last 5 games both of these teams are 3-2, so in reality this is a matchup of equals. Atlanta's run defense has been getting gashed pretty good lately, and that's Carolina's forte, so I like the Panthers by a field goal in an upset.
- The Bucs got their first win of the season last week, but they are powerless without their Vinny Testaverde uniforms, which they won't be wearing this week. Miami spanks them at the Landshark.
- I look forward to the Vikings defense scoring 80 fantasy points at home against the Lions today. I also look forward to Jared Allen doing his sack dance where he goes "Ta DAAAAA" like 7 times.
- Jags at Jets is a matchup of two teams that are not nearly as good as their 4-4 records would indicate. The Jets have lost 4 of 5 and Sanchise is starting to show some Matt Leinart-esque tendencies, while the Jaguars last 4 games have seen them go 15 rounds at home with the awful Rams and Chiefs, and get blown out by the Titans and Seahawks, two teams that have no business blowing any one out. I'll take the Jets just because they are at home. Doesn't mean they are any good.
- Best matchup of the early part of the day is the 6-2 Bengals going for their second win of the season over the 6-2 Steelers. The last time the Steelers lost to the same team twice in one season was 2006, when they got beat twice by the Ravens. I'm not in the business of picking the Steelers to lose twice to the same team in the same season. Bengals lose today.
- The Saints go to St. Louis to become 9-0.
- Tennessee seems to be replaying Vince Young's 2006 rookie season, where they started 0-5 and then won 8 of 11 to finish the season as they rallied around their horrible quarterback. They have now won 2 in a row after dropping their first 6, so they should continue to play out this script by beating the Bills today.
- The Broncos really need to stop the bleeding this week. Their 6-0 start has turned into 6-2 and the offense has stopped working. They face the tragic Redskins today, but that team could actually be getting a boost by not having to give Clinton Portis, who has been completely inept this year, any touches. The Deadskins are kind of a sexy upset pick this week, so who am I to stand in the way of that bandwagon?
- Alright it's go time. Andrew Siciliano and his giant ears are whipping us around to all the venues, setting the stage.
- Our first stop is Pittsburgh. The Bengals return the opening kickoff out to the 30. Palmer throws the first pass 20 feet over Ochocincos head and out of bounds. Not very impressive.
- 2nd down and Carson throws into DC and almost gets picked off.
- Here's an update! Sanchise rolls out, throws deep, and is intercepted! He's about 2 weeks away from being photographed drunk in a hot tub. Go have a hot dog Sancheez.
- Back in PIT now and the Bengals convert a 3rd and long. Palmer hitting 85 near the sideline.
- Whip us to Washington, where the Redskins are getting all Redskin like, with Orkman hitting Brandon Marshall for a 40 yard TD. Figures since I benched Marshall for Kolby Smith during the pregame. Fuck fantasy football forever. I mean it.
- Steven Jackson breaks a 30 yard run against the Saints.
- MJD calms my rage over the Brandon Marshall thing with a 33 yard TD run, 7-0 Jags over Jets.
- We go split screen and the Vikings are already in the goal line offense against the Lions. Favre tries to force on into the end zone to no avail.
- Michael Turner busts a 30 yard run against the Sex Panthers. We have had a gaggle of big plays already. The Falcons are in the red zone. Apparently they are on the road today, which is a surprise to me.
- Vikings fail to get it in the end zone and settle for a Longwell chip shot, 3-0 Vikings over Lions.
- Falcons peter out too and Elam manages not to clank his 30 yarder off the goalpost, making it 3-0 Falcons.
- Connor..Barth? Hits a 51 yarder to make it 3-0 Bucs over Dauphins. Party on Barth.
- Bills and Titans are wearing the throwbacks today. The Toilers should have burnt those things after the 59-0 snow raping the Patriots gave them last time they wore them.
- Shayne Graham misses a 51 yarder and the Bengals and Steelers are still 0-0.
- Oooo, Fred Jackson lines up as Wildcat QB, fakes the handoff then hits a wide open Lee Evans on a perfect strike to make it 7-0 Bills over Titans. That's way better than anything Ryan Fitzpatrick could do. I say make Fred Jackson the QB. The media is after all, very desirous that a black QB succeed.
- The Jets have driven into scoring range. They've got 3rd and 12 from the Jacksonville 14. Sanchez is in the shotgun and overthrows a screen to Thomas Jones. Cue Price Is Right losing horns.
- The Redskins are in the red zone? This should be interesting. Campbell throws an incompletion and Betts runs for a couple of yards and it's now 3rd and goal.
- OJ Atogwe picks off Drew Brees and the Saints are struggling a bit with the Rams. Still 0-0.
- Campbell hits Jedi Master Todd Yoder to tie the Broncos at 7.
- Miami's got 3rd and 4 deep in Tampa territory. And Chad Henne hits Greg Camarillo to set the Fins up at the 1.
- Jay Feely hits a 32 yarder to make it 7-3 Jax over NYJ.
- Well here's a good sign, Jonathan Stewart is actually on the field. And Steve Smith gets the Panthers down to the 1. Could it be? Stewart maybe getting a TD when I actually start him?
- YES! It could be! TD Stewart! Panthers lead ATL 7-0.
- Ronnie Brown puts Miami up 7-3 on Tampa.
- Jeff Reed is lining up for a 28 yarder, hits it, and its 3-0 Steelers over Bengals.
- Usama Young terrorizes Marc Bulger with a pick in the end zone, and the Rams brief flirtation with competence goes for not.
- Vince Young is throwing passes that are 5 yards closer to the defender than to the receiver he is trying to throw to.
- He makes up for it by dropping it in to Nate Washington for a 25 yard gain and a first down. Vince Young has what has to be the ugliest throwing motion I've ever seen in an NFL quarterback. He like skips before he throws it, then shotputs a rainbow downfield.
- I don't think Vince Young ever has 2 feet on the ground at any given time. Like a racehorse kind of. But not in a good way.
- Bernard Scott takes a kickoff all the way back for the Bengals, and they are now up 7-3 on the Steelers.
- Chris Johnson just afterburns past everyone for a 28 yard touchdown run, and its 7-7 in Buffalo.
- Jason Hanson misses a FG attempt and it's still 3-0 Vikings.
- We get an extended sit down with the Saints and Rams. New Orleans faces a 3rd and 4, and Brees dumps it off to some white dude I've never heard of for a 20 yard gain and a first down into Rams territory.
- Hmmm...we apparently have a DEN/WSH update coming. If Marshall scored another TD I'm jumping in the tub with my toaster.
- OK good, it's just Correll Buckhalter fumbling.
- Adrian Peterson breaks a long run to put the Vikings in scoring position.
- Then the Vikings try some goofy razzle dazzle running a reverse, Peterson botches the exchange and the Lions recover. Razzle freakin dazzle! You really have to open up that playbook to penetrate that turgid Lions defense huh Chili?
- Saints and Rams scoreless after 1 but the Saints are threatening.
- Josh Scobee clanks a field goal attempt and its still 7-3 Jags over Jets.
- Sanchez hits Jerricho Cotchery downfield and tack on a roughing the passer so the Jets are deep in Jax territory.
- And here's Marshall catching a 75 yard TD pass. Looks like its suicide again for me. I need a drink.
- Sanchez hits Cotchery for a TD and its 10-7 Jets. Meanwhile Brees hands off to Bush out of the shotgun for a 5 yard TD and the Saints are finally on the board.
- Vince Young hits Nate Washington in stride for a TD and its 14-7 Titans over Bills.
- This Brandon Marshall thing is just ruining my day.
- But that's why Jesus invented red red wine.
- And guacamole.
- DeAngelo Williams breaks a long run, and the Panthers are inside the Falcons 5.
- Only another Jonathan Stewart TD can qwell my rage right now. But he gets the ball and gets stuffed and now Stewart's back on the bench.
- 3rd and goal and Delhomme finds Steve Smith in the end zone, who gets away with a pushoff but makes a great catch to put the Panthers up 14-3 on Atlanta.
- Sakmon Gado is apparently on the Rams now. He just ran for a first down.
- Bulger fumbles but the Rams recover. Bulger then throws a TD to Donnie Avery and it's 7-7 in St. Louis. Wellity wellity wellity.
- OOOOOO...Marshall gets blowed up by Rocky McIntosh. That makes me feel a little better, I guess.
- The Jags are inside the Jets 20 after a Garrard to Torry Holt completion. Let's hope MJD can get in the end zone.
- Nope. Garrard takes off and runs it in to put Jax up 14-10 on the Jets.
- Michael Turner already has 91 yards rushing, but the Falcons still trail 14-3.
- Roddy White wearing his Harry Potter invisibility cloak again I see.
- Matt Ryan just doesn't look good. Very tentative and not accurate with his throws.
- Falcons go for it on 4th and 8, and Ryan tries to hit White unsuccessfully. He's saved by a PI penalty though and the Falcons get the 1st down.
- Michael Turner's over 100 yards rushing.
- Brees hits Reggie Bush who sprints to the end zone for his second TD of the game, and it's 14-7 Saints over Rams.
- Adrian Peterson is in and it's 10-0 Vikings. Roddy White gets stopped a yard short of the end zone. It's going to be one of those fantasy days for me.
- TO is melting down on the sidelines in Buffalo. They are playing circus music for him on the RZ channel.
- Chris Johnson is over 1000 rushing yards on the season, the first one to get there. Toilers now lead Buffalo 17-7.
- Michael Turner is receiving medical attention, while in Miami Dan Carpenter hits a FG to make it 9-3 Dolphins over Tampa.
- Jason Snelling gets absolutely drilled by Jon Beason trying to get into the end zone from the 1. He didn't make it, but on the next play he walks it on a toss and makes it 14-10 Carolina.
- Whoooooaaaa...TO just pulled in a 49 yard pass from Fitzpatrick to set the Bills up 1st and goal inside the five. He caught a pass! He's yelling on the sideline! He's back! Right after I released him from my 2-7 team!
- Lee Evans gets TD #2 of the day and it's 17-14 Titans over Bills now.
- Favre throws up a fair catch to ball to Sidney Rice for a long completion. He's 14 of 15 for 232 yards when he's out of the pocket this year.
- Roethlisberger swings it out to San Antonio Holmes who has the Steelers inside the Bengal 5 and threatening to tie or take the lead.
- Trickery for the Redskins as Hunter The Punter Smith throws a 39 yard scoring pass to Mike Sellers, and the Redskins are tied with Denver 14-14.
- Ben gets sacked on 3rd and goal and the Steelers will have to settle for a FG. Meanwhile the Vikings keep making it harder than it needs to be by handing off to the fullback on 4th and 1 and getting stuffed. In Jersey Garrard hits Mike Sims-Walker for a TD and it's 21-10 Jaguars.
- Jarrous Byrd leads the NFL in picks and he has his 8th now, as he just called a fair catch on an errant VY lollipop.
- Matty Ice gets picked off as he air mails one to Michael Jenkins, and the Panthers have it in Atlanta territory. Meanwhilst, the Rams are threatening to tie it against the Saints as they have it on the 5.
- Delhomme finds Muhsin Muhammad and the Panthers are inside the Atlanta 10.
- Steven Jackson moves the pile into the end zone and the Rams are tied with the Saints at 14 with less than a minute left in the first half.
- Peterson breaks thru the line and looks like he's off to the races to make it 17-0, but Philip Buchanon runs him down and punches the ball out, which rolls out of the end zone for a touchback.
- The Panthers are down in what I wish would be Jonathan Stewart territory. But Williams is in there. Why does everything suck so much.
- Fuck you Stewart. He gets stuffed from the 2 yard line.
- Delhomme hits Smith over the middle in the end zone for a TD. Smith looks shaken up but its 21-10 Panthers.
- Jay Feely's good from 37 and its 21-13 Jaguars.
- It looks like Jason Taylor has picked off Josh Freeman and taken it back for a TD. Or returned a fumble or something. But we have our old friend the inadvertent whistle blowing the play dead after the fumble nullifying the TD. But Henne hits Fasano anyway for the score and its 16-3 Dolphins.
- Meanwhile the Steelers continue to show a penchant for getting sacked in the red zone as Ben goes down. It's now 2nd and goal and Ben throws it out of the end zone.
- Rod Bironas is trying a 60 yard field goal with one second left in the first half.
- On 3rd and goal a pass goes right thru the fingers of Santonio Holmes in the end zone and the Steelers will have to try a field goal again. Meanwhile the Broncos kick a field goal to make it 17-14, while Kyle Orkman is headed to the locker room apparently injured.
- Jeff Reed makes it 9-6 Steelers.
- Bironas is short from 60 and Fred Jackson somehow fails to run it back for a TD as usually happens when someone runs back a FG attempt.
- Jason Hanson is on to try a FG before halftime that would send the Lions to the locker room down just 10-3, and he makes it.
- Miami gets another field goal from Carpenter and its 19-6 Dolphins over Tampa.
HALFTIME!
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