Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Five signs Wade Phillips was going to be fired

1. One of his assistant coaches wasn't the most interesting man in the world.
Yes, I'm talking about that Dos Equis beer model that is always preceded by awesome things that awesome people do. If you don't know this guy, it's because you are not the most interesting man in the world. In fact, you're a fucking bukake. This guy has sex with your mom, and then you cried because you weren't the baby from it. If Wade Phillips had this guy on the team, the most interesting man in the world would just tell Wade Phillips that nice guys finish last, and dipshits people feel sorry for don't qualify in the race. You're fat, so that makes you an asshole, which is worse than both.

2. Tony Romo was a homo for Witten.
Yeah, TO's a bitch, but he was someone to throw to. Instead, Tony Romo dumped him when he wanted to stay forever because Romo and Witten we're gay for each other. It's lame. People think Romo is so awesome, but he just chokes. Then he gets hurt and pusses off to the sidelines. Wade was like, OH SNAP, I DUNNO WHO ELSE TO PUT IN BUT JON FUCKING KITNA. Once you saw Romo homo for Witten, it was over.

3. The offensive coordinator made as much as you.
So you're telling me that a shitty offense with only Des Bryant, a rookie, as being the only guy trying was one of the biggest reasons you fired Wade, then you promote his offensive coordinator? What's he going to do different that he didn't do while offensive coordinator? Is he going to tell the defense to work harder? His own offensive unit didn't work harder. The fact that this bitch tits Jason Garrett made just as much as the head coach meant Wade should have just took his cookies and ate them at home.

4. The Cowboys accidentally thought the NFL was a mix gendered league and put a girl as QB.
Really, I know I talked about Tony Romo, but this guy's a fucking fairy. People think he's so awesome because he did well when Bill Parcells covered his mistake-prone ass, but really he's just some dude that was a rebound for Jessica Simpson. Yeah, I said it. Jessica Simpson, the second dumbest woman in America (that O'Donnell chick from the Tea Party that believes science is too dangerous and shouldn't be taught in schools because science created human-level intelligent mice is the #1 dumbest person in America) used your QB as a rebound, Cowboy fan. That should have told you that Wade Phillips was fucked.

5. The Cowboys didn't have 11 Demarcus Wares.
This motherfucker can play. Could you imagine if there were 11 of these assholes? Excessive hit fines or not, someone's becoming a rape survivor after 11 Demarcus Wares all dip into that said person's asshole. When you look out into the field and see 11 Demarcus Wares, you would be like that HS coach who saw three fat kids on the other team and just forfeit. Unfortunately for you, Wade, you only had one, which was the biggest sign you were going to get fired.

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