This picture is the last time he gets to see his family for two years. Of course, it'll be 20 months on good behavior, but his life still sucks ass. His wife is still prego. He has a 3-year-old son. Here's what his lawyer said:
"This has been a very emotional experience for him," Brafman said. "He's sad about what he's done to his life, his career, and more importantly to his family. He's a fundamentally good man who has used bad judgment and is going to pay a very, very severe penalty." -ESPN
Bad judgment is right. His judgment was so bad, that what he did was worse than what Donte Stallworth did. Let me put it more specifically. Bringing a gun into a club and shooting your own leg is WORSE in our society than drinking with 13% alcohol in your body and killing someone. Read that over and over. It seems that people in New York are more of an asshole than the people in Cleveland. To test this theory, I punched a person from New York and a person from Cleveland to see what reactions I got. The New York guy got me busted for 30 years because it was tried as the equivalent of a gang rape, where the person from Cleveland gave me a high five for throwing a good punch.
Nice fucking job, New York. The Mayor and the DA were trying to get the maximum sentence on poor Burress just because they wanted to look hard on crime. The guy shot himself. Let it fucking go, assholes. It's not like he KILLED SOMEONE.
Other NFL Stuff
I don't guess games anymore because Nicky P fucking owns it. If you look at his Week 1 picks, he was right in almost every game and the score was pretty close. Fuck that shit. I'm not competing with that. Here's five observations I have after two weeks of the NFL:
1) The Jets win one game in a series of 100 games. I think I'd rather be Bill Belicheck.
2) Why is Norv Turner still a head coach? Jerry Rice said he was the worst coach he ever played for. Wasn't that enough? 8-8 with this team last year. Come on.
3) Colin Cowherd said that Jay Cutler is better than Aaron Rodgers because you are what your record is. He went on to say that Rodgers has good stats and is good for fantasy, but he is 7-11 or something and that's in a division with the Lions where you play them twice, so it's really 5-11.
My Response: I'm not a fan of both, but Jay Cutler played in a division where he played the Raiders and Chiefs twice a year. Experts say Cutler just needs an experienced wide receiver and he'll be Drew Brees and shit. I'm sorry, but Jay Cutler and Aaron Rodgers are about the same to me, but Rodgers seems more mature.
4) You know what would suck? If I had to go on some 8-hour bus trip to work on some stupid fucking charity that is in my coach's name, and still go 0-2. Mangenius? More like Manpieceofshitis.
5) I still like the Dolphins.
Bonus 5) Oli Porter, who writes over at IP for games, says his Houston Texans will make the playoffs. Now, Schaub fucked me when I benched him by getting massive fantasy points, but if the Texans make the playoffs, I told him I'd eat my own shit. I'll be sure to put that shit on youtube that'll make 2 girls 1 cup looks like ice cream.
God Patrick, Talk About Soccer Already
My bad, I just haven't found anything hilarious or insulting to say about soccer. Oh wait, Man City got buttfucked by Man U when Man City ties it in the final minute. Then when 4 stoppage minutes were given, SIX AND A HALF FUCKING MINUTES LATER Man U scores. Oli says it was legit, but that seemed pretty rig to me. The best part was Fergie kissing up to the ref like he was thanking him for the extra time and the refs having a laugh with him. Fuck that noise. I wish Mourinho came back to shit on Fergie. I can't stand that fuck.
Oh, and ESPN just got a shit end of the deal for their soccer rights. The play EPL on Sat and La Liga on Sunday. The problem is that they don't know what game they're playing until match time. That was pretty annoying because I turned on ESPN 2 around 11:40am and saw Real Madrid playing. I was like, "FUCK!" But then Real scored 4 goals in the 15 minutes that were left, so we're cool. It's not like me and Dish Network with Gol TV.
Until next time, check out Oli Porter's game reviews. They are pretty thorough. I don't have a link because I'm lazy. Ask him.