Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The CBSSportsline.com Fantasy Guru is Broken

So I'm looking over the "Matchups" section for my upcoming fantasy games this week on CBSsportsline.com, and this thing is completely fuck in the head.

To wit..

- It says LaDanian Tomlinson is going to score 17 fantasy points this week. All I've seen LaDanian Tomlinson do lately is sit on the bench with a big hooded jacket on looking sad. It's going to take him 8 weeks to score 17 points.

- Cedric Benson 16 points? For real? Hold on let me put on my Happy Mondays CD and take an Ecstasy so I'm in the same frame of mind as you, Fantasy Guru.

- It's got Tim Hightower scoring 15 points. The way Hightower has mastered the 2 yard run, he's going to need to carry the ball about 80 times this week to score 15 points.

- 17 points for Ray Rice. I've got news for you guru, that 280 pound bowling ball the Ravens have at fullback, HE's the dude getting the ball on the goal line, not Ray Rice.

- Pierre Thomas scoring 14 points? He just got his face stitched up after walking into a fence. The dude can't avoid walking into a fence that is not moving and has no vested interest in him not walking around it, how is he going to avoid defenders trying to tackle him?

Seriously this Fantasy Guru is horrible.

- FWIW I played the season opener, Titans at Steelers on Madden 10 yesterday. The Titans won in a game with very little offense. But pretty much every game in Madden has very little offense, because it's impossible to run the ball. Who do I like in that game? Well, I do agree with Madden that there is going to be very little offense in this game. I don't think the Steelers have figured out yet who is going to be getting the majority of carries for them, and if they think it's going to be Willie Parker then that's the wrong answer. This game will all hinge on how much the Titans miss having Albert Haynesworth plugging up the middle. My guess is that against a team like the Steelers that loves to pound the rock, they are going to miss it alot. I say Steelers 20-10.

- College football's opening weekend brought us a little bit more than it's usual cornucopia of sadistic mismatches. Defending Heisman winner Sam Bradford hurt his shoulder in a loss to BYU.

This is why it is so stupid to stay in college when you don't have to. Sam Bradford does not need a degree. I guarantee you the dude is never going to have to do a TPS Report in his life. Go get your money young man, you are playing a violent game where nothing is promised to you. Shit, Carson Palmer just came out and told SI that he expects someone to get literally killed on the field any day now, (and was kind enough to add "I hope it's not anyone at this table" to the assembled quorum of talented young QBs he was being interviewed with) so any football player is probably best advised to make all the money he can as soon as he can.

3 other top 25 teams also lost this weekend. #7 Va Tech lost to #5 Alabama, #13 Georgia lost to #9 Okla St., and last night #18 Florida St. lost at home to Miami when on the last play of the game some guy had the game winning pass hit him right in the numbers and then squirt down his legs onto the ground. Everyone was on the FSU jumping up and down like "Yeah awesome we won!" Then they all slowly realized, oh, he dropped it, don't I look stupid now.

- We are 4 weeks into the Premier League season, and we have 3 clubs which have yet to lose or be tied. Chelsea has feasted on a soft opening schedule to jump out to a 4-0 start. Tottenham opened the season with a big 2-1 win over Liverpool, and has followed that up with 3 more victories, and Jermain Defoe is tied with Man U's Wayne Rooney for the league lead in goals with 4. Man City has yet to surrender a goal in 3 matches (all victories), but they've faced an assortment of bottom feeders so it's hard to gauge how good they are.

A notch below the leaders are Arsenal, who looked like world beaters in their first two matches before falling at Old Trafford 2-1 thanks to some questionable officiating, and Man U, who is 3-1 but that 1 is a loss to newcomers Burnley.

Bringing up the rear are Portsmouth at 0-4, and Blackburn at 0-3.

So in regards to the Oregon guy punching the Boise St. guy in the mouf...whatever..these kids are violent teenagers. Cue this video up to 0:35. What I want to know is WTF is the Boise State coach doing shoving his own player right before he gets hit in the mouth? Maybe if this kid wasn't getting pushed and yelled at by his douchenozzle coach he could have kept an eye on the 250 pound angry man about to punch him in the face. I always thought the proper way to restrain someone in a fight is to put yourself in between the 2 potential combatants and defuse the situation, not push them into the guy who wants to fight them. College coaches are stupid. This is what happens to you when your job is to boss around 18 year olds over whom you have complete and unquestioned power all day.

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