Drafting My Ass Off

10:00 AM

Good morning and welcome to St. Mel of Kiper day. We are 4 hours, 55 minutes, and 51 seconds until Paul Tagliabue goes to the podium and announces that Matt Stafford is sentenced to being the new quarterback of the Detroit Lions for the next 5 years of his life. He may or may not then be injected with Mexican Swine Flu, probably not but after 2 years of this he will probably wish he was.

I try and avoid national sports media at all costs. My sports media diet consists mostly of SI and the brain damaged people that call up The Score here in Chicago. Given that, this is an interesting draft in that nobody in Chicago cares about it. The Bears have no first or third round pick, and they've already shot their goo on the Jay Cutler trade. But that doesn't mean the other 31 teams are non-plussed on this. Ohhh no...they are very plusssed.

What am I interested in today? I am interested to see which team gets the Dirty Sanchez, who will climb the Crabtree, where will USC's heralded trio of linebackers end up, and mostly I am interested in breathless hyperbole.

I'll be updating Twitter style throughout the day. That's what all the cool kids are doing now.


10:10 AM
ESPN is starting its coverage now. Cris Carter is asking what the difference is between Stafford and Chuck Long, Andre Ware, and Joey Harrington. Tirico says arm strength. Right now I'm pretty much watching 5 guys trying to talk themselves into why they are spending 8 hours of their lives talking about a draft where the #1 player selected is somebody who most of them think in their heart of hearts is the next Joey Harrington.

10:20 AM
Suzy Kolber is standing in front of the rear projection TV I had in my condo in 2002 doing a mock draft. Oh now I see what is so special about this TV, you can touch things and drag them across the screen. It's like a giant Ipod touch. Right now they've got the OT from Baylor going second to STL, and the defensive end from LSU going to KC. They've got Crabtree going to Seattle, and BJ Raji going to Cleveland at #5. Every team drafting in the top 5 has a new head coach this year. When they come back, they are going to talk about trades, specifically are Anquan Boldin and his steel plated face, and Braylon Edwards and his steel plated hands going to be re-located today.

10:30 AM
The Cardinals have one offer for Boldin, and it's not a good one apparently. Julius Peppers is another guy who could be traded but probably not. Braylon Edwards is probably not going to be traded because the Browns already traded Kellen Winslow and Donte Stallworth is in a bit of legal trouble for running over somebody while he was drunk and killing them. Redskins QB Jason Campbell is a Redskin right now but an unhappy Redskin. The Redskins feel like their is somebody out there better than him to run Jim Zorn's system. I feel there are better systems out there than Jim Zorn's system.

10:35 AM
I'm going to have to get my ass to the gym sometime today. I'm thinking maybe in like half an hour. I also am waiting for a call from somebody who is supposed to try and fix my dishwasher. Honestly I'd rather just do without the dishwasher. I am pushing hard for paper plates, and one cup that you drink out of at all times. Just like college. When the dishwasher is on it sounds like I'm inside a submarine and I can't hear the TV. I don't like that.

10:40 AM
Time to find out what the Rams are thinking. I'm thinking, why is their GM wearing an Oregon State polo shirt today and not a St. Louis Rams polo shirt? Come on man. Oooh now Carter is saying the Rams don't want to use that #2 pick because they feel like they made a mistake taking Chris Long with that same pick last year, and because they don't want to pay a #2 pick. I fucking hated Cris Carter when he was a player but I have to say he is rocking shit so far this morning.

11:00 AM
Todd McShay and Kirk Herbstreit are squaring off now, talking about who the best offensive player in the draft is. First guy they mentioned was Percy Harvin the WR from Florida, then Crabtree, then the buzzer sounds before McShay can complete his thought. Herbstreit says USC's Clay Matthews is the best defensive player in the draft, McShay says Aaron Curry. Me, given the choice between somebody whose father played in the NFL and one that didn't, I always take the latter. We have a Matthew McConaughey feature reviewing ghosts of drafts past coming up. I wonder if that ties in to his new movie. I bet it does.

And here it is. Ken O'Brien selected in front of Dan Marino. Blair Thomas in front of Emmitt Smith. All cancelling out the awesomeness of the green helmets the Jets used to wear.

Jack Thompson, the Throwin Samoan, drafted ahead of Joe Montana by the Bengals. Ki Jana Carter taken first overall. Matthew McConaughey looking very gaunt. Tirico says he's now going to ask his panel about their ghosts of girlfriends past wink wink nudge nudge. Dilfer has only had sex for procreation, Carter does a mental roll call of all his illegtimates. Tirico says he's just kidding. I wish he wasn't. That would have been infinitely more entertaining than TJ talking about the jiggly offensive lineman from Alabama. I am starting to realize I don't know anybody's name in this draft.

11:15 AM
Alright I'm taking a break. Need to do some stuff. Be back later.

2:00 PM
Ooooh hooo hooo I'm back. My dishwasher has a broken rotor, which caused a buildup of crap in my sump. So my dishwasher and I are basically in the same physical condition. I've cracked open the first Michelob of the day and am defrosting some hot dogs. The good ones from Omaha Steaks none of this Ball Park shit. I got these hot dogs for Christmas. For real. Over on ESPN2 they are asking the musical question of whether Matt Stafford can lead a Detroit turnaround. If anyone is leading a Detroit turnaround, it's Calvin Johnson, not Matt Stafford. I'm not feeling a whole lot of Matt Stafford love from this crew, they are like totally nipples hard over Mark Sanchez but they are already making apologies for Stafford.

2:10 PM
We're within an hour and they've moved from the studio show to the awesome 4 at Radio City Music Hall, our lineup today is Kiper, Keyshawn, Steve Young, and Berman. Jason Smith is waving at us...he seems very smiley, kind of like a less angry Warren Sapp. Kiper's saying he's the guy the Rams are going to take at#2. They also like this OT from Virginia Eugene Monroe, causing them to invoke the name of another Virginia tackle who went a couple years ago, and whose name you heard like every 5 minutes in April 2006, D'Brickashaw Ferguson. If D'Brickashaw Ferguson's name was Mike Smith he probably would have went in the 4th round. If a guy has a cool name I automatically downgrade him 100 points. That's why I like this Jason Smith, his name is not fun to say and he went to Baylor, so you know he's 100% skill 0% hype..because nobody named Jason Smith from Baylor University is going to get talked about as a top 3 pick unless he's really really good.

2:20 PM
I don't know a damn thing about Star Trek but I'm on board with this movie that's coming out in a couple weeks. The promos look bad ass. And it's done by Bad Robot, which does Lost, which I am obsessed with. Kiper says Wake Forest linebacker Aaron Curry is the best player in the draft. He also visits kids at the Childrens Hospital and has a kid with leukemia at the draft as a guest of his. He makes Tim Tebow look like Tank Johnson when it comes to citizenship.

2:30 PM
Mort is talking about BJ Raji and how he tested positive for marijuana. Mort doesn't seem like he's too worried about this, he's all like, he tested positive for marijuana earlier in college but that positive test at the combine was a false positive and he plays alot like Warren Sapp (who also tested positive for marijuana) and shit I'm Mort and I'm on marijuana right now so no problem here.

2:40 PM
Young comes right out and says if it were up to him he'd take Sanchez over Stafford with the #1 pick. Why do I get the feeling that 3 years from now this debate will seem even more of a waste of brain cells than Leinart vs. Vince Young. Keyshawn also says he would take Sanchez...wow that's a surprise. What school did Keyshawn go to? Oh yeah. Sanchez isn't getting picked until the Niners pick at #10, at the earliest, if not then he's probably going #12 to Denver. That's barring a trade. Herm Edwards is sequestered at a table with Trey Wingo, talking about baking an apple pie. I wish they'd just give Herm a pot of coffee and microphone and dispense with the other 20 people they've got covering this.

2:55 PM
My internet and satellite go out almost simultaneously. What a fail. I have the internet back, no satellite though. Even in the future, nothing works.

3:00 PM
The tv feed is back. Just in time for the greetings and salutations. Here comes Roger Goodell to welcome everyone. He announces the Lions take Matt Stafford and everyone boos. Mrs. Football asks "Why are they booing?" I'm like "I don't know". Then she asks "Is this football?" I say "Not really".

3:05 PM
Stafford has Erin Andrew's microphone in his face, he says he is living the dream. Steve Young, meanwhile, is talking about "metaphorical dead bodies all over the place". Pleasant.

3:15 PM
The Rams take Baylor offensive tackle Jason Smith with the second overall pick. He used to be a tight end, so not only is he big but he's got some athleticism. The Rams are apparently making the decision to build around Mark Bulger, with Smith to protect him. I all that strategy uninspiring.

3:30 PM
KC takes LSU DE Tyson Jackson with the #3 pick, as they continue to reunite the LSU front 7 after taking Glenn Dorsey last year. Kiper is all like why are you taking a defensive end when you are switching to a 3-4 defense, a defense that does not use a defensive end per se. The answer to that, Mel, is because they are the Chiefs.

3:35 PM
#4 pick and Seattle takes Wake LB Aaron Curry, who Kiper says is the best player in the draft. Seems like a great guy too. Too great to be playing for a in over his head lucky sperm club member like Jim Mora Jr. I wish him and his shiny suit well.

3:40 PM
All the fans are going nuts and rubbing each other because the Jets are trading up to #5 to take Mark Sanchez. J-E-T-S and so forth. Sanchez puts on a Jets hat and all the meatballs in the crowd go nuts. What's Matt Leinart up to these days?

3:50 PM
The Bengals take Mr. Bojiggles Andre Smith with the 6th pick. Now they've got an offense that has Cedric Benson, Chad Ocho Sucko, and now this guy at 3 key positions. Hoo boy. Mrs. Football looks at him and says, "He's not gonna make it". It's funny when people that know nothing about football know more about football than the people whose job it is to know about football.

4:00 PM
Michael Crabtree looks like someone just crapped in his lap as the Raiders take Darrius Heyward Bey from Maryland. He's the top receiver taken in the draft, and he's sitting at home. Crabtree sits in the green room and I think the men in the white coats are about to escort him to the Aaron Rodgers pavilion. The Raiders are so fucking crazy.

4:01 PM
Everyone is in shock at this pick. McShay comes right out and says this is going to be a bust and that Bey is the 4th best receiver in the draft. He's fast but he can't catch.

4:05 PM
The Jaguars decide they don't want Crabtree either and go with Virginia OT Eugene Monroe. That's 3 out of the last 4 years Virginia has had someone go in the top 10. D'Brickashaw Ferguson we've already talked about, overrated, Chris Long was already dissed by Cris Carter earlier today, so I'm guessing this won't work out so great either. But, as they talked about on this show earlier, what's the worst that can happen with an offensive tackle, if he sucks you can always move him to guard where he will probably be OK. A tackle is a safe pick, but when Crabtree is out there and you are the Jaguars and your #1 receiver is the very old Torry Holt, safe isn't the place you want to be. Now Green Bay is going to take Crabtree to be Aaron Rodgers wonder hookup and as a Bears fan that makes me very very sad.

4:15 PM
Or maybe not, the Pack takes BC defensive tackle BJ Raji with the #9 pick. The panel likes this pick because Chicago and Minnesota are teams with good (Matt Forte) to great (Adrian Peterson) running backs who Green Bay needs to stop. OK sure. Why have I been hearing then for the last 6 months how great Crabtree is then and now nobody wants him?

4:21 PM
And Crabtree falls into the laps of the 49ers at #10. Unfortunately he has no quarterback on this team. Ehhhhhhh....It's funny how in SF now you have a receiver with no quarterback, and in Chicago you have a quarterback with no receivers. This is why a 9-7 team can almost win the Super Bowl.

PICKS 11-20
After the top 10 I didn't know anybody and kind of checked out. I flipped on the Cubs/Cardinals game just in time to see Pujols hit a 750 foot grand slam. That made me happy and I went down for a 2 hour nap in which I dreamt I was watching an old timey movie that had had Chevy Chase's father in it. While that was going on, we had the following selections.

#11- Buffalo takes defensive end Aaron Maybin from Penn State. He's a pass rushing specialist type with the added twist that he runs very slowly for somebody who plans to make a living doing that.

#12- The first running back of the day doesn't go off the board until the twelfth pick, which has to be some kind of record. The Broncos take Georgia's Knowshon Moreno, and somewhere Mike Shanahan's all like you idiots you use a first round draft pick on a running back, I would just go down to the homeless shelter and give the first black dude I see who weighs over 200 pounds a contract and have him rush for 1000 yards in my scheme.


#13- Washington takes Texas defensive end Brian Orakpo. He seems pretty solid, but since he went to Texas, I will assume he's a big weirdo who will be out of the league in 5 years.

#14- The Saints take Ohio St. corner Michael Jenkins. Looking at the highlights ESPN showed of him, he seems very good at picking off passes that look like American Beauty esque hot dog wrappers caught in an updraft, thrown to receivers who have run the wrong the route against teams like U of Washington who went 0-13. This should translate well in the NFL. Everyone expressed doubt over whether he could only cover somebody in a zone defense or if he could cover someone man to man. He should fit in great in the Saints secondary, because none of them can cover anyone either.

#15- Houston takes USC linebacker Brian Cushing. My scouting report on Cushing, super intense white dude who will be hurt all the time. Fail.

#16- The Chargers take Northern Illinois DE Larry English. I live 20 minutes from DeKalb and I had no idea that Northern Illinois had any decent football players let alone a top 20 draft pick. The panel talks about how the Chargers have talent at every position and anyone they draft is just for depth. That must be why they've won so many Super Bowls.

#17- Tampa drafts a quarterback, Kansas St.'s Josh Freeman. Freeman is 6 foot 6 and according to Rivals.com is a "cross between Byron Leftwich and Jason Campbell"...ewww. That's good?

#18- Denver uses the first round pick they got for Jay Cutler to draft the terrorist Obama used to go on panty raids with, Robert Ayers.

#19- Philly drafts another fast finesse receiver for McNabb to make "you ran the wrong route" gestures at whenever he throws an incompletion. Jeremy Maclin, congratulations, your career is now doomed.

#20- The Lions get their second selection of the first round, and its Oklahoma St. tight end Brandon Pettigrew. Pettigrew had a bad workout at the combine, has "character concerns", and didn't score a TD last year. He is going to make a great Detroit Lion.

#21- Mangenius traded out of the #5 pick, and down into this spot. The first draft pick of his illustrious regime in Cleveland is Cal center Alex Mack, who figures to start for the Browns this year. The scouting report on him talks repeatedly of his "girth". I challenge you to find anything more latently homosexual than the NFL Draft. It should be on the Logo Channel.

#22- Minnesota takes Florida WR Percy Harvin. The book on him is he's a tremendous athlete, but, as Rivals.com says, "has a supreme sense of entitlement". On the McNabb Scale of Sense of Entitlement he is a 9.4. I would say he's the TO for the 2010's, but at 5-11, he's not going to be able to pull the shit TO did on or off the field.

#23- Ole Miss O lineman Michael Oher is a utility lineman who can play 4 out of the 5 positions on the line. He also is described as "not being physically or mentally tough" and "flabby". Sounds like a girlyman to me.

#24- Another Ole Miss big guy, DT Peria Jerry goes to Atlanta. He's a 25 year old rookie. When I was 25 I had already been a cube slave for 4 years and counting the days until I can start using my social security check to buy dog food to feed to myself to fend off starvation.

#25- Miami selects Illinois corner Vontae Davis. Davis is Vernon Davis' brother, the guy that Mike Singletary chased off the field last year. Vontae refers to himself in the third person in interviews and seems like a colossal douchebag.

#26- The Packers take their second defensive player of the draft, Clay Matthews. Like his college teammate Brian Cushing, Matthews looks like a roided up freak with a forehead like a drive in movie theatre and a jawbone like the Great Khali.

#27- UConn running back Donald Brown goes to Indianapolis. Brown will make a fine backup running back and is going to the best team an offensive player can possibly go. He carried the ball 367 times for UConn last year though, which depending on his age could qualify as child abuse. Behind Addai he should get a chance to convalesce and heal for a while.

#28- Eric Wood from Louisville played center in college but probably will start at guard for the Bills this year. He's described as being a very smart player. He's also described as being "a second or third round talent" who the Bills drafted in the first round, so apparently he's smarter than his new employer.

#29- With Plax off on the last train to Crazy Town, the Giants have drafted the man they hope will be his able replacement, UNC wideout Hakeem Nicks. He's a similar type of receiver, big and strong, but probably not as fast. People compare him to Anquan Boldin.

#30- If you want a guy who physically looks like a future HOF receiver, Rutgers' Kenny Britt is your man. Tennessee grabbed him, and now they hope the 6-4 TO model receiver can grab the ball, which he had trouble doing at Rutgers.

#31- Arizona gets Ohio St. RB Beanie Wells. He's been injury prone his whole college career. He's also going to a team that has never been able to run the ball in its 80 some years of existence.

#32- Aaaand the final pick of the first round is Missouri DT Ziggy Hood. I'm not going to pretend I know more about defensive football players than the Pittsburgh Steelers do. If the Steelers drafted him I'm sure he'll be good.

And the rest....
Here's some other notables who went after the 1st round..

- Second round pick Andy Levitre is sure to stiffen the Bills offensive line. Oh ho ho ho.

- The Bears top draft pick came in the 3rd round, San Jose St. DT Jarron Gilbert, who apparently can jump out of a swimming pool. I am going to go home tonight and try that in my bathtub.

- USC linebacker Rey Maulauga was on the cover of SI last week, but didn't get drafted until the second round, by Cincinnati. His other two buddies from USC both went in the first round. Since he's the only one of the three that doesn't eat PB and HGH sandwiches for lunch, the lesson to be learned here is not taking steroids costs you money.

- Dallas didn't draft until the 3rd round. That ship is sinking.

- The first pick of the second round was Western Michigan safety Louis Delmas, who stays in Michigan with the Lions.

- Miami took West Virginia QB Pat White in the second round, apparently to be their "Wildcat" back. Mark this down as the moment the "Wildcat" officially jumped the shark.

- New England had 6 picks in the second and third rounds of the draft. Cue Darth Vader music. Just by blind luck they are sure to have had a great draft.

- The Jets grabbed Iowa RB Shonn Greene in the third round. He's my sleeper of the draft.

- Philly took Pitt RB LeSean McCoy in the second round. Since Brian Westbrook is guaranteed to miss 6 games a year, remember that name.

- Road Warrior Animal's son or nephew or something James Laurinaitis slipped to the second round. He's a Ram.

- Best late round pick in my opinion was the 49ers getting Ball State QB Nate Davis in the 5th round.