Thursday, April 2, 2009

Cutler Traded To Bears

And the "winner" of the Jay Cutler sweepstakes is.....the Chicago Bears.

Jay Cutler was traded to the Bears today for Kyle Orton, and the Bears first round draft pick this year and next year, and their third round pick this year.

Reaction here in Chicago is somewhere in the neighborhood of having a direct morphine injection, administered by Jesus, with Adriana Lima standing by as nurse, topless.

Of course, I see things differently.

Jay Cutler is not going to get any better playing for the Chicago Bears. This is the worst possible team he could have gone to. Seriously, at least if he got traded to the Lions, he would have had Calvin Johnson to throw to. The Bears have....nobody.

This is a team that knows one way to play football, hand the ball off and throw 3 yards passes. They've been doing it that way for 80 years. Every player on their roster is on it because they fit that type of system. That's what they are built for. If they throw it 40 times a game, with this roster, they are going to suck, it doesn't matter who is the one doing the throwing. Yes, you can change the roster over the next couple of years to be something more built to suit Cutler, but lotsa luck doing that with no first round draft choices this year or next year.

So, after he's had 4 or 5 passes clank off of Rashied Davis' hands in the season opener, and had another 3 or 4 balls bounce harmlessly off the spot of grass where Devin Hester was supposed to be, Cutler is going to feel some frustration. How will Cutler deal with that? Well, Jay Cutler has shown us this offseason how he deals with adversity, which is to say that he will probably deal with it like one of the sextuplets on Jon and Kate Plus 8 would. All reports are that he is a prick of epic proportions. Quarterbacks that win Super Bowls are grown-ass men, and Jay Cutler is not that. He may be one day, but he isn't now.

Jay Cutler is probably going to have a very long and pretty good career in the NFL. Jay Cutler's career path, as I rub my crystal ball, looks to me like it's going to be a lot like that of Kerry Collins.

Kerry Collins had all the physical gifts Cutler has, plus a couple inches of height. In his second NFL season, he took an expansion team in its second year of existence to the NFC Championship game. Cutler's been in the league 3 years and hasn't been to the playoffs, and he has not been playing for an expansion team.

Collins, though, was immature, and wasn't what you would call Mr. Personality. His issues manifested in the form of a drinking problem, which Cutler doesn't have, but the end result was the same, that the team who once thought he would be their QB for life couldn't wait to get rid of him.

Collins hit rock bottom, but then, he grew up. He got his shit together, and he went to a Super Bowl.

He's had some ups and downs since then, but here he is near 40 years old, and he just got a new contract and is one of the better QBs in the league.

Now, is Cutler's redemption going to happen on a team that has no NFL quality wide receivers, now has no first round draft picks until 2011 to get any wide receivers, and now has a head coach and offensive coordinator that now seem a lot like big rig drivers expected to now drive a Formula 1 car (and will probably both be fired if they can't figure it out right away)? No. It won't. For the reasons I talked about earlier, Chicago is the least likely place for good things to happen for him.

Jay Cutler, one day, will probably figure it out. He'll probably grow up. He may even play in and may even win a Super Bowl. Probably when he's 33 or 34. He's 26 now, so you can do the math. When it does happen for him, he ain't going to be wearing no Bears uniform.


- Sven Goran Eriksson is out as coach of Mexico's national team. Sven used to be the English national coach, but after a ridiculous 3-1 loss to Honduras in World Cup qualifying this week, he's now nobody's coach.

- The Premier League title is very much up for grabs. Manchester United has dropped its last 6 points, and Liverpool has closed to within a single point of the leaders. They do have a match in hand, but it looks like this one is going to go down to the wire.

- Europe has another exciting league race in Germany. Hertha Berlin leads, but there are 3 teams just a point behind. Bayern Munich is among those, and they get their star striker Luca Toni back from injury this weekend. In the other 2 big leagues, Barca and Inter Milan look to be safely ensconced in the top spot in Spain and Italy respectively.


- The league's new boys, Seattle Sounders FC, are now 2-0 after a 2-0 win over Real Salt Lake. Colombia's Fredy Montero scored his 3rd goal in 2 matches.

- Chivas USA is the league's only other unbeaten team. They are now 2-0 after a 2-0 win at FC Dallas.

- Patrick Nyarko, from Virginia Tech and Ghana, scored in the 53rd minute to give Chicago a 1-1 draw at DC United.

- Jamaican national team player Omar Cummings scored the winning goal in the 74th minute to give Colorado their first points of the season in a 2-1 win over Kansas City. The Wizards are now 0-2. The rule is, no matter what sport you are in, if your team is called the "Wizards", you are bad, and you deserve to be.

- The defending champion Columbus Crew are off to a slow start. Their 1-1 tie against Toronto last weekend puts them at 0-0-2 on the young season.

- New England got a late goal from Kenny Mansally, signed off of Gambia's U-20 World Cup team, to salvage a 1-1 with Red Bull NY. The Revs are in a 3 way tie for the top spot in the Eastern Conference with Chicago and Toronto.


Grabowski said...

But you are forgetting about the Earl Bennett-Vanderbilt connection. That, and the fact that Culter grew up in Santa Claus, IN as a Bears fan. This is why Cutler will be awesome with the Bears.

dook!e said...

Der dee der dee derrrrr.. I can 't get that image of cutler on the turf with his helmet flying off his noggin, with a dazed and confused look on his face.

Patrick N said...

Everyone on radio saying Cutler owns because he's an elite qb but elite qbs are not premadonnas like this blowjob.

Peyton: Not a whiny bitch
Brady: Not a whiny bitch
Eli: whined about playing for San Diego, but really he doesn't TALK
Rothlesburger: Not a whiny bitch just a stupid motherfucker

NOBODY WANTS A WHINY BITCH. Better hope shit don't go wrong in Chicago else Cutler is going to cut himself the emo fuck