The NFL is trying something new this year, moving the first round of their draft to Thursday Night...in prime time..baby! This of course works out horribly for me, because instead of the alternative of having it on a lazy Saturday afternoon where there's nothing else on, they're having it on a Thursday night when the Bulls and Blackhawks both have playoff games. So they've got a lot of competition. We'll see how well they hold my interest tonight..I'll be updating periodically and we'll see how this goes. I just had a Chipotle chicken burrito with guac and now I feel sick.
So here we go..instead of having Goodell announce the picks this year, they are having each team have a representative to announce their picks..pretty cool.
Saints- Drew Brees
Browns- Jim Brown, the opposite of white
Floyd Little, forgot which team
Dolphins- Dan Marino
Niners- Joe Montana
Bears- Brittany and Jarret Payton, children of Walter Payton
Vikings- John Randle
Actually here's Jerry Rice now, I'm not sure who he's representing since Montana is already out there, so I'm not sure what the hell is going on anymore. Maybe he's representing the Raiders.
Barry Sanders and Deion Sanders out next, followed by Lawrence Taylor. Now Rod Woodson is out, actually I no longer know what this is all about other than just announcing some random NFL greats.
Now let's bring out the new generation! Eric Berry! Jahvid Best! Sam Bradford and his big teeth! Ryan Bulaga! Hooo boy...let's see how the Bulls are doing.
Bulls are winning 12-8? Well this is unexpected. Be back when the #1 pick is announced. It'll probably be Sam Bradford, aren't you excited??
Hey, here's an interview with Tim Tebow. I've finally put my finger on he reminds me of. Chris Klein in Election. He's just so nice that it drives you nuts. He's wearing a teal/aqua shirt today, does that mean that the Dolphins or Jaguars are drafting him, or the Panthers? Hmmmmm.
And here's the commish ready to start the draft. Say what you want about the XFL, but how awesome would it be to have Vince McMahon emceeing the draft instead of Roger Goodell? "TIM TEBOW, YOU'RE NOT GETTING DRAFTED! NOT TONIGHT, NOT ANY NIGHT!! NOW HIT MY MUSIC!!" No chance, that's what you've got....ba da boop booop boo doo boo boop.
ST. LOUIS RAMS
Alot of times the #1 pick is already signed before the draft, but not this year. The Rams are "open for business", just like Euro Itchy and Scratchy Land. Michael Irvin is still on the NFL Network? Christ how many times does someone have to get arrested before they get fired?
Pregnant Lady is sitting and watching with me. Her statement on this pick, "Why are they on the phone if they are in the same room?" I really don't know.
Sam Bradford is selected by the Rams. Let's see if he can make it up to the podium without separating his shoulder. Eisen asks Marshall, "How will the people in St. Louis welcome this pick?" My guess, "with apathy!"
The Lions take Nebraska DT Ndamukong Suh. What? The Lions taking a defensive tackle and not a wide receiver? Matt Millen is digging his grave so he can start rolling over in it. See I'm thinking of graves because everyone on the panel is comparing him to dead people like Reggie White and Jerome Brown.
TAMPA BAY BUCS
Gerald McCoy, DT from Oklahoma goes 3rd. Wow, 2 Sooners taken in the first 3 picks, no wonder they were sooo good last year. I will now sit back and listen to people compare him to Warren Sapp for the next 1o minutes. See, they are both defensive tackles, and they were both drafted by Tampa Bay, so they are the same.
Trent "Silverback" Williams, OT Oklahoma. Thumbs down to the commish on saying a guy's nickname. You're commissioner of the NFL, that's more important than Obama, have some diginity. Wow, that's 3 Sooners taken out of the top 4 picks. Let me look up what Oklahoma did last year, they must have went 39-0 or something.
Pregnant Lady and I are both sprawled on the couch with our laptops, looking like we are on the space cruiseship in Wall-E. The Chiefs take Tennessee safety Eric Berry, who is supposed to be an Ed Reed type talent. I guess this is the end of the Mike Brown era in KC.
Russell Okung is drafted in hopes that he will be the new Walter Jones. He also is a Sooner. He has long arms, 36 inches long apparently, and he had 127 de-cleaters, and 341 reacharounds.
And offensive guru Mike Holmgren begins his overhaul of the beleaguered Browns offense by taking....Florida corner Joe Haden. Cue sad trombone.
Oh dear God now comes the best part of the whole night..the Raiders pick.
Hmf. Alabama LB Rolando McClain is no Derrius Heyward-Bey in terms of comedic value. He has a reputation as a smart player and a good run stopper, and he's ranked 35th on the draft board I'm looking at instead of 350th, so that's an improvement for the Raiders. The cognoscenti on NFL.com's draft tracker seem to think he's a decent pick too. Well, this draft just got a whole lot more boring. If Al Davis isn't playing the part of the guy at your fantasy draft who started drinking too early, it really takes alot away from the NFL draft.
Well, there goes my master plan to make CJ Spiller my #2 fantasy back. I think Marshawn Lynch will be sent to Toronto now to await the rest of the team's move there.
The Jags take Cal DT Tyson Alaulau. The Sporting News has him 17th on their board. Not 17th out of all players, 17th out of all defensive tackles. Holy geez Jacksonville, if you were going to make a pick this fucking crazy you may as well just have taken Tebow and at least saved your franchise's future in South Georgia.
DENVER TRADES DOWN, NINERS GET THIS PICK NOW
Well, if you're a Bears fan this is an interesting pick, because this is the pick you traded for Jay Cutler.
Was it really necessary to trade up to get Rutgers OT Anthony Davis? I guess it was. He is the top OT left on the board so I guess it's acceptable.
MIAMI TRADES DOWN, CHARGERS HAVE THIS PICK NOW
SD takes Fresno St. running back Ryan Matthews. Sporting News' Warroom's comparison of him is to former Bears and Lions RB Kevin Jones, who I think is currently unemployed. Nice pick!
DENVER TRADES DOWN, EAGLES NOW HAVE THIS PICK
Wow, great draft, nobody wants these fucking picks. Who can blame them when someone just took Kevin Jones V2 with the 12th overall pick. The Eagles take Michigan DE Brandon Graham, who is seen as a 3-4 OLB or 4-3 defensive end tweener type. This is right about where he was projected to go.
Seattle's having a nice draft. They got the top rated tackle in the draft in Russell Okung, and now they get the top rated safety in the draft (Sporting News has him ranked above Eric Berry, who I think was helped by the nice SI profile a couple of weeks ago) Texas' Earl Thomas, filling a huge need of theirs.
They've got a long tradition of pass rushers, and S. Florida's Jason Pierre Paul certainly fits that mold. He's a raw talent, high ceiling, low floor.
The T's steal Georgia Tech DE Derrick Morgan. Sporting News had him #3 on their board. He came out early as junior and maybe that hurt his draft status but really I have no idea why he fell this far, other than everyone else screwed up.
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
Idaho G Mike Iupati, making it 2 first round offensive linemen. Bad pick, this dude's overrated. If you want a guard you draft a tackle and make him a guard, you don't spend a #17 pick on a guy who is already a guard and played in the WAC.
They go with Florida C Maurkice Pouncey. He's the best center in the draft, but again, taking an interior lineman this early is called bidding against yourself. He's also coming out early, so his development may be behind schedule. WR's Dez Bryant and Demariyus Thomas are still on the board and last I checked, Pittsburgh just lost their best WR. At least the fans at the draft didn't boo the Make-A-Wish kid that announced the pick.
Of Missouri LB Sean Weatherspoon, the Warroom says "He simply doesn't make enough plays to be drafted in the first round". Hey, way to use the nineteenth pick on him Atlanta!
Alabama CB Kareem Jackson "lacks size and elite speed", and he's projected as a late second round pick by the Warroom, sooooo, this is a bit of a reach no? I mean, he's the eight rated corner on my list here, I may not be some big city lawya, but my God.
So you say you missed last season with a knee injury, you've had 2 surgeries in 5 years, and you have drawn comparisons to the great Leonard Pope of the Cardinals. Jermaine Gresham TE from Oklahoma, welcome to the Bengals!
Well, here's your Brandon Marshall replacement. Sporting News has GT wideout Demariyus Thomas as the #4 player on its board, and the Broncos get him at 22. There are negatives though, he is nursing a broken foot, and while his measurables are off the charts, his stuff like being able to catch the ball which is kind of important are questionable.
GREEN BAY PACKERS
Iowa OT Brian Bulaga looks like a Green Bay Packer. And his name reminds me of balugas.
Oklahoma St. WR Dez Bryant is a big guy with a lot of talent, but he ran a 4.6 40 which is not really that spectacular, and there's the little matter of him looking like the next Pac Man Jones in terms of citizenship. Anyway, Dallas has a new diva WR to take TO's place. That didn't take long.
TIM TEBOW! Someone did it! Holy shiiiiiit. Wow Josh McDaniels and Tim Tebow, if nothing else the Broncos will be very, very annoying.
Tennessee DT Dan Williams was a star of the Senior Bowl, and he plays better than he looks. People on the chat thing I was following thought he would go higher, the Warroom didn't have him as a 1st rounder, so I guess he's an enigman. That's a typo, but I like that word, so I'll keep it.
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
Surprising that teams that are picking corners are not picking the one from Boise St., Kyle Wilson, who was projected as the 3rd best corner in the draft. Rutgers CB Devin McCourty is 8th on the board I'm looking at, and he's a Patriot now.
The Dolphins are pleased that Penn St. DT Jared Odrick fell this far. Bill Parcells' is smiling and showing all his big stupid teeth. I love him, but he ain't worth a shit. Jerry Jones you are still my new hero.
This defense gets even scarier now that they've added Boise St. CB Kyle Wilson. He's a little on the small side, but he's the fastest corner in the draft. He'll push the newly acquired Antonio Cromartie for a starting spot opposite Revis Island.
Wowwwwww...now that they've got Cal RB Jahvid Best, Calvin Johnson, Ndamukong Suh, and if Matt Stafford turns out to be any good, geez the Lions may end up being pretty damn good pretty soon.
The stat wonks at Footballoutsiders.com love TCU's Jerry Hughes, and think he'll be the best pass rusher to come out of this draft. Apparently so do the Colts.
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
Aaand the Saints close out this gala evening by taking Florida St. CB Patrick Robinson, who the Sporting News had as #17 on their board. So, let's go ahead and call this a steal for them in an area they needed help.
So that's it! Only one round tonight! Here's some notables who Sporting News had in their top 20 that didn't go in the first round..so look for them to go early on day 2
Sergio Kindle OLB Texas- Apparently has been marginalized by the iPad.
Thaddeus Gibson OLB Ohio St.- A bad night for black Polish people.
Rob Gronkowski TE Arizona- Back injury scaring people
D'Anthony Smith DT Louisiana Tech- Mom should have named him D'Brickashaw, then he would have gone top 5.