Sunday, May 16, 2010

Things the American owners could do to make Liverpool better next year

With the end of the soccer season coming, you may wonder (if you're Oli Porter) things that the awesome American owners could do to make Liverpool better. Liverpool is not part of the big four anymore. Chelsea won the double with the FA Cup and the League. Other teams in other leagues did great with less pretege like Inter Milan who did the double and probably will do the treble when they win Champions League. Barcelona repeated as league champions so you may be wondering what Liverpool could do with their limited budget and no Champions League spot to dangle to potential talents for enticement. Luckily, Patrick N is here to give his expert advice:

1. Get new owners

Amazingly enough, one of the easiest ways to solve Liverpool's problems is to get new owners. Now, I'm not talking about just getting super rich owners and buying everyone out. Manchester City did that and they got donkey dick. I mean pay people to become owners. You raise up the prices a little to pay for these new owners that aren't really new owners. They take all the heat and all the blame. Then when they suck so much that they want new owners, you come back and save the day with another push to a Euro Cup spot. Win/win

2. Make sure your team isn't stuck with a pussy striker

If you're trying to have a great season, you need to have your great players everyday. Fernando Torres is a great player, but 1) he was their only striker and 2) he was as fragile as a Frenchman's dick in a hotdog bun. He never played because he was injured from people breathing on him. If you know three years in a row that he's injury prone, why are you not getting 2 more strikers to rotate with?

3. Don't party

So, your team supposedly has no money to build a new stadium you promised or get new players even though you got a shit ton from Real Madrid when they bought you whole defense and defensive midfielder. Then people see you drinking and partying and celebrating. What the fuck are you celebrating? Years of mediocrity? Matthew Broderick celebrates that everyday when he turns around to see his wife, Sarah Jessica Parker.

4. Anything

Why the fuck does Liverpool suck? How do you fuck this up? You just need to get some B+ players with the money you got from Real Madrid overpaying and you're in the money. Now you're stuck with bench players like Babel and Benayoun demanding to start or they'll leave.

So as this season of soccer comes to a close, remember the lesson from the new movie Robin Hood: Even though King Richard was as stupid as George Bush 2, having an asshole like King John is worse because he taxes the rich because the rich lies saying they have no money but of course they do so we should take it; and King John believes no one should own 4000 acres of land so you deserved to be raped but I'll make sure to foreplay first; and Robin Hood only steals and gives back when the government stole grains from the rich, and Robin Hood gives back what was stole from the rich by the government right back to the rich; and fuck King John for wanting to tax the rich to pay for the problems of England. Fill in the fucking blanks and figure out which characters are what because I already told you King Richard represents George Bush 2 because of his misguided Crusades. Figure it out for your fucking selves, assholes. Oh, I guess this applies to Liverpool too where King John is the American owners. That's what I meant. Fuck you.

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