8 In the Box- NFC

1. The playoffs won't be as fun as they've been the last two years. Usually, we all have the given of seeing Tony Romo and the Cowboys fall flat on their faces in their opening playoff game to look forward to, but this year we will have to content ourselves with watching Donovan McNabb point in the opposite direction his receiver ran everytime he throws an incompletion.

Due to an unlikely set of results in the early games, the Cowboys/Eagles game turned into a virtual playoff game, where the winner got in and the loser was done. Get your popcorn ready, no? Well, yes, but not for the reasons we all expected. It was memorable, but only because of the truly spectacular meltdown the Cowboys treated us to, turning the ball over 5 times and losing 44-6.

So what went wrong with the Cowboys this year, particulary in a horrific 1-3 December? Two things. One, Marion Barber was hurt down the stretch, and for all the hoo ha over Tony Romo and TO and Jason Witten and der dee der dee der, Barber is the most valuable member of that offense. Without him, the onus of generating offense fell directly on Romo, and as Patrick would say, he tripped over his giant clown shoes. The Cowboys finished the year ranked 21st in the league in rushing offense, and that's bad. The other thing is the turnovers. Oh, the turnovers. They turned it over 5 times in this game, and only ONE team turned it over more this year than the Cowboys did. Turnovers are a symptom of mental laziness and lack of discipline, and oh yeah, that fits the Cowboys.




2. So the Eagles are in the playoffs, but it not only took the win over Dallas to get them there, it took 2 NFC "contenders" to lose to teams that had nothing to play for. And, my God, one of those teams was the RAIDERS. If you go into the day saying to yourself, "Well, not only do I need to win today, but I need the Raiders to win on the road, or else my season is over." , ninety nine times out of 100 it's not going to be a very good day for you.

But here we are. The Raiders did indeed go to Tampa and completed the once 9-3 Bucs 0 for December Golden Sombrero. Michael Bush became the latest running back to do a High School Muscial number all over the Tampa 2, rushing for 177 yards and 2 TDs as the Raiders won 31-24.



3. While the Bucs were first in line to get that last wildcard spot, the fact that they failed to get it meant the Bears had the next crack at it. Now, the Bears were justifiably more focused on what the Vikings were doing at home against the Giants' JV, because of course, there was no way the Bucs were going to lose at home to the Raiders, so the only realistic way they could expect to get in was with a win over Houston and a Vikings loss, which would make them NFC North champs.

Imagine the kick in the nuts like sensation they must have felt as the final seconds of a 31-24 defeat ticked away in Houston, knowing that the Bucs were in fact going to lose to the Raiders, and had they beat the Texans, all they would need would be a Philly win over Dallas, which also happened, to sneak in the back door as a wildcard. So, woulda coulda shoulda for the Bears, but in reality, when you have a suspect secondary like the Bears do, and a pass rush that can only generate pressure when they're bringing the blitz, you're gonna have a long day against a team that has Andre Johnson. Andre 2000 (Yards, someday, maybe) had 10 catches for 148 and 2 TD, and was the reason the Bears lost.



4. The Cowboys, Bucs, and Bears, all have reason to feel shame. However, they can all take solace in the fact that they are not the Detroit Lions. The Lions pulled off the difficult feat (really difficult given the general crappiness of the NFL this year) of losing 16 games and winning 0. In case you've been hanging out in a cabin in Wyoming with the Unabomber and Thomas Pynchon for the last month, no other team has done that before. Now the Lions have. They fired Rod Marinelli the next day, and the Bears can't wait to make him their new defensive coordinator or assistant head coach or something, because he's BFF with Lovie Smith. That should work out great. Meanwhile, when you think of the 2008 Lions, think of this play, note how the announcer enthusiastically says "He was forced out of the end zone by an ONCHARGING JARED ALLEN!" uhhh..more like, he ran out of the end zone because he forgot where he was on the field, or thought he was in Canada or something:





5. Carolina and Atlanta knew they were both in the playoffs heading into Week 17, but both had an opportunity to earn themselves a week off and an NFC Divisional Playoff game at home, rather than having to go on the road for a Wildcard game next week, and that's a big deal. The Panthers had the inside track, having to win in New Orleans to nail it down.

It looked for a second like the Panthers might be doing the old chokeroo like a lot of other NFC teams were when Drew Brees hit Lance Moore for 2 TD passes in a little over 2 minutes to bring the Saints ahead 31-30 with 3 minutes left after trailing 30-17 with 5 1/2 minutes left. But with the Saints defense, no lead is safe, especially not a 1 point one. The Panthers drove down the field and Jon Kasay kicked the game winner as time expired to give the Cats the 33-31 lead and the NFC South title. Had he missed, the Falcons, who came back to beat the Rams while this was going on, would have won the division. DeAngelo Williams continues to go bonkers, rushing for 174 yards in this one.

Drew Brees came up 16 yards short of breaking Dan Marino's single season passing yardage record...causing this music to play over the loudspeakers when time expired:


6. Given that it's Coach Firing Season, here's a status update on the 16 NFC Head Masters:

Tom Coughlin- Will be the Giants coach until he retires, or his face freezes

Andy Reid- Congrats Eagle fans, your reward for making the playoffs is another 3 years of Andy Reid, enjoy.

Wade Phillips- I've seen people just convicted of pedophilia look happier than this guy:



Jim Zorn- Will be fired as soon as Dan Snyder decides whether to pay Bill Cowher a gazillion dollars or merely a bajillion dollars.

Brad Childress- Congratulations Vikings fans, you get to keep Brad Childress because you made the playoffs. Yaaaay.

Lovie Smith- Fans in Chicago for the most part don't like Lovie. I think the tipping point came when he fired defensive coordinator Ron Rivera, who as an 85 Bear was very popular with the fans, after the Super Bowl season, and replaced him with his buddy Bob Babich. The defense has gone south since, and Rivera has taken over and turned around the Chargers defense. The Bears are an unlikable team and it starts with having an unlikable coach. I will be happy when he's not the Bears coach any more, but that won't be until 2010 at the soonest.

Mike McCarthy- He won't survive another 6-10 season, so the Pack better be better next year.

Rod Marinelli- He gone.

Ken Whisenhunt- If he wins a playoff game with Arizona he should get a 10 year extension. If he wins 2 they should have him stuffed and made coach for eternity.

Mike Singletary- Pants or no pants, he just got an extension and did a good job this year.

Jim Mora Jr.- I like to think of him as the "Michael Vick Enabler". Wants to be one of the players, but he's not a player, he's a coach, and not a good one. Get ready Seahawk fans, because when Vick gets out of the joint I'll give you 3 guesses where he ends up if Mora is still the coach.

Jim Haslett- The players have been lobbying management to keep him after a 2-14 season. If a player came in and lobbied me for anything after going 2-14 I'd be like, "Yeah lobby this, he's gone and so are you."



7. Atlanta and Arizona kick off the 2008 playoffs on Saturday afternoon in Glendale, AZ. The game isn't sold out yet either, so if it's not sold out, there will be no broadcast of the game in Arizona, or at least in the Phoenix area. Apparently there are either not a lot of Cardinal fans, not a lot of Cardinal fans that can afford a ticket, or the Cardinal fans are not inspired by string of spectacular beatings the Cardinals took the last month and a half of the season.

The only real weakness the Falcons have is that they suck stopping the run, ranking 28th in yards per rushing attempt against. As we all know, the Cards are completely and eternally inept at running the ball, so they won't be able to take advantage of that. I don't see any reason why the Falcons won't have a southwestern fiesta and knock the Cardinals around like the pinatas of the league they have been recently.



8. On the opposite end of the weekend playoff docket, Philly and Minnesota close out the weekend at the Metrodome. I almost have to disqualify myself from making a pick on this game just because of my sheer distaste for all things McNabb, but I'll try and take a stab at it.

The Eagles 4-1 run that has gotten them into the playoffs is predicated on them being able to run the ball. In fact, it seems whether they win or lose is entirely dependent on whether they can run it or not. They are 5-0 when they run for over 130 yards as a team, and 4-6-1 when they don't. The Vikings have given up over 130 rushing yards twice in 16 games this year. So chances are 7 out of 8 the Eagles aren't going to run for over 130, and they are a below average team when they don't do that. So, they probably won't be able to run effectively, and they'll probably lose. I pick the Vikings.

8+1. So let's see what Whatifsports.com's sim engine tells us will happen this weekend in the NFC, I'll run 5 sims of each game

Falcons at Cardinals
Sim #1- Falcons win 28-23 after falling behind 20-0 in the second quarter! Michael Turner runs it in from a yard out with a minute left to give the Falcons the win.

Sim #2- Turner rolls over the Cards for 155 yards on 24 carries. Matt Ryan throws 3 TDs, 2 to Michael Jenkins. The undead Edgerrin James runs for 124 yards on 10 carries. Falcons win 37-23.

Sim #3- Roddy White catches a 13 yard pass from Ryan in the waning moments to give the Falcons a 31-28 win. Edge again runs for over 100 yards. I told you the Falcons suck at stopping the run.

Sim #4- JJ Arrington breaks a 34 yard TD run with a little over a minute left and the Cards win 41-34. 132 rushing yards for Turner and 120 recieving yards for Larry Fitzgerald.

Sim #5- Larry Fitzgerald catches 3 TDs and the Cardinals win 28-17. Ryan has a horrid 13 of 34 day.

So the Falcons win 3 out of 5, backing up my pick.

Eagles at Vikings
Sim #1- The Vikings build a 19-0 lead and hang on for a 19-14 win. A defensive struggle as nobody runs for over 100 yards or throws for over 200 yards.

Sim #2- Tarvaris Jackson has a horrible 7 of 17 day and is benched for Gus Frerotte, to no avail. The Eagles win 20-0.

Sim #3- A treasure for field goal aficionados, the Eagles win 9-6.

Sim #4- Adrian Peterson opens the scoring with a 52 yard TD run, and the Vikings get a whole bunch of Ryan Longwell field goals after. Jackson throws for only 58 yards but the Vikings win 19-14.

Sim #5- Vikings win 9-0.

The Vikings win 3 out of 5 here, and every game is a taffy pull. So I guess if you like defense, this game is for you.

NFL: Fired

I'm going to update this as NFL coaches get fired.

Mike Shanahan (Denver Broncos)

Was it time: Yes. I hate the Broncos which means this dude did his job. Having said that, the current winning structure is to hire a GM and then let the GM get a head coach that's on the same page as him and you create a checks and balances system (see Falcons or Dolphins). Shanahan was both GM and head coach and did alright, but seeing other teams that suck all of a sudden start owning makes you jealous. Plus, 12 years with one team is just boring. Good move for both parties.

Eric Mangini (NY Jets)

Was it time: No. This move showed how stupid Jet admin is. Mangenius is still solid a coach starting 8-3 and then Farve threw a million INTs and like 2 TDs. You can't coach around that. When Mangenius was listened to, run, run, run, run, pass, run, run, run that shit works. Then as 8-3 Farve was like "I'M THE SHIT" and just threw, threw, threw. Fuck the Jets. They are going south next year. This dude's going to find a job this month.

Romeo Crennel (Cleveland Browns)

Was it time: Yes. I like this guy, but it was time to go. Last year's 10-6 season was really luck, and this year was unlucky because his QBs went down, but I think he lost this team this year. Romeo isn't really a head coach. I know everyone hates the recently fired Mike Martz, but I think as a head coach if I put Romeo as my Defensive Coordinator and Martz as my Offensive Coordinator, I'd be alright. Regardless, I wouldn't hire Romeo again as a head coach anyway.

Rod Marinelli (Detroit Lions)

Was it time: No. How you going to break this guy off when he ran the dream season of 0-16? Alright, I'm just messing. Yes. When a reporter asked if Marinelli wished his daughter married someone else (one of Marinelli's coaches was his son-in-law), you know shit was bad because that's pretty fucking mean. I never saw what the Lions saw in this guy. Lions need to get Parcells and pay him a young girl every month to keep him there.

Bill Parcells's 11 Commandments Applied

Parcells, while controversial with his "Jap plays," is a genius. When he talks, you listen because he actually knows what he's talking about. I want to use his 11 Commandments for quarterbacks and grade three quarterbacks: Tony Romo (who apparently reads them in the beginning and end of each season), Brett Farve, and Matt Ryan, different age groups in the NFL.

1. Press or t.v., agents or advisors, family or wives, friends or relatives, fans or hangers on, ignore them on matters of football, they don't know what's happening here.

Romo: F - Stop listening to Colin Cowherd who says your team owns and stop listening to Jessica Simpson. She's not stupid; she dupid.
Farve: C - He didn't listen to his wife to stay retired.
Ryan: n/g - No one told him to do shit.

2. Don't forget to have fun, but don't be the class clown. Clowns and leaders don't mix. Clowns can't run a huddle.

Romo: F - Fucking clown shoes.
Farve: A - One thing Farve isn't is a clown. But that speech before the Miami game brought more insight into Farve's leadership skills. He obviously leads more my example than by words because his speech sucks.
Ryan: A - No personality, had fun because all he had to do was hand off to Michael "I'm Larry Johnson now" Turner.

3. A quarterback throws with his legs more than his arms. Squat and run. Fat quarterbacks can't avoid the rush.

Romo: B - Well, he ain't fat, but did he really need to fumble the ball so much?
Farve: A - At 39 he was still avoiding the rush by throwing INTs.
Ryan: A - Young guys aren't fat.

4. Know your job cold. This is not a game without errors. Keep yours to a minimum. Study.

Romo: C - He more like crammed.
Farve: F - He showed up to class and was like, "Oh snap, there's a test? I just wing dis shit."
Ryan: B - He made errors, but for a rookie, they weren't too bad. It does help that if shit goes bad you can just hand the ball off to Turner. Ask Philip Rivers last year.

5. Know your own players. Who's fast? Who can catch? Who needs encouragement? Be precise. Know your opponent.

Romo: D - He really sucked at this. I felt like TO was more a leader than Romo, and that's not good.
Farve: F - PICKED OFF.
Ryan: A - "Michael Turner really runs the ball well. I should encourage myself to hand the ball to him. A lot."

6. Be the same guy everyday. In condition, preparing to lead, studying your plan. A coach can't prepare you for every eventuality. Prepare yourself and remember, impulse decisions usually equal mistakes.

Romo: F - "Shit, Bill was right about that impulse shit. 44-6 :("
Farve: F - This guy is 90% impulse.
Ryan: C - Rookies are streaky, even the good ones. I couldn't depend on Ryan for my fantasy team and had to bench him for Cassel mid-season.

7. Throwing the ball away is a good play. Sacks, interceptions, and fumbles are bad plays. Protect against those.

Romo: D - 44-6.
Farve: F - Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttt.
Ryan: B - He had an INT problem sometimes, but I don't remember him having a game where he had more INTs than TDs.

8. You must learn to manage the game. Personnel, play call, motions, ball handling, proper reads, accurate throws, play fakes. Clock, clock, clock, don't you ever lose track of the clock.

Romo: F - "Is it time to end the season yet?"
Farve: F - "It's not time for me to retire yet."
Ryan: A - "Time for the playoffs!"

9. Passing stats and td passes are not how you're gonna be judged. Your job is to get your team in the end zone and that's how you're gonna be judged.

Romo: F - 44-6.
Farve: B - One thing's for sure, he don't care about stats.
Ryan: A - For a rookie, he did well managing his team into the end zone whether through the air or ground.

10. When all around you is in chaos, you must be the hand that steers the ship. If you have a panic button, so will everyone else. Our ship can't have panic buttons.

Romo: F - Panic Button hit when Williams was crying for the ball.
Farve: B - He didn't really panic; he just was Farve and threw a bunch of INTs. His completion percentage is 70%, half of that percentage are completions to the other team.
Ryan: C - No real drama. Was it Ryan's doing? Probably not, but we'll never know and that's how it should be.

11. Don't be a celebrity quarterback. We don't need any of those. We need battlefield commanders that are willing to fight it out everyday, every week, and every season, and lead their team to win after win after win.

Romo: F - Me and Jessica sitting in a tree, EFF - YOO - SEE - KAY - EYE - EN - GEE my career.
Farve: F - Madden: "He's a God, BOOM!"
Ryan: A - Who the fuck are you?

---

Obviously, being a rookie and having a stud for a RB helped Ryan do well. Romo is overrated, but really not even Parcells was able to handle the Cowboys when it was just TO being TO. Now TO was more of the sane head on the team, which shows how bad things are. Farve is Farve and led to Mangini getting fired. OOPS. Who would have thought you needed to keep Chad Pennington over Farve to keep your job?

Lions livin' the dream. Thank you for doing it. I poured one for the homies in homor of your historic season. I'm buying a Lions jersey today.

8 In the Box- AFC

1. Kudos for the NFL for hiring time traveling bunnies to make their 2008 schedule. They managed to fandangle showdowns for home field advantage between the 4 best teams in the league in both the AFC and the NFC on the same weekend. The AFC's win and go home for the rest of the season matchup took place in Nashville, between a Steelers team who had won 5 in a row and has a defense some are calling the best in NFL history (some, not me) and a Titans team that has been kind of meh the last month of the season, going 2-2 in their last 4 and coming off a loss in Houston.

So, of course, momentum meaning nothing in this year's NFL, the Titans won by 17 points, stepping on the gas in the third quarter to close the game with 21 unanswered points. Ben Roethlisberger got sacked 5 times, and the Steelers turned it over 4 times. The moment that had everyone talking came on the sidelines though, when with the outcome in hand, LenDale White produced a yellow "Terrible Towel" and he and Keith Bulluck began stomping on it. Oooooooh...its on now. Pittsburgh got served and its on like Donkey Kong.



2. With big, wet, chunky snowflakes falling all over the place in Seattle, you would have figured the setting was perfect for Brett Favre and his childlike joy to carry the Jets to an important victory. Much to my astonishment though, no amount of tongue snowflake catching or snowman making would save the Jets on this day. They get held to 3 points by a 3-11 Seahawks team, and Mike Holmgren wins his final game as Hawks head coach, dealing a devastating blow to the Jets playoff chances. Now, unless the Jets can beat their old buddy Chad Pennington and the Dolphins this week, AND either NE loses to Buffalo or Baltimore loses to Jacksonville (neither of which is likely to happen), we'll be hearing another retirement speech from Favre in a couple of days.



3. Ah yes, the Dolphins. This team that went 1-15 last year, won their 10th game of the 2008 season last week in KC. Now all they need to do is beat the Jets this week, and they are in the playoffs as the AFC East Champs.

This brings to mind some commentary I heard while watching the games last week. I really wish I remember who said it, but one of the sages doing the either the Jets or the Dolphins game said, “That Pennington trade was a trade that helped both teams.” Really? Please fill me in how trading a QB to a team in your own division, and then having that team go from 1 win to 10 wins after that trade “helps” your team? Am I missing something or would the Jets not have been better off letting the Dolphins see if they can win 10 games with Josh McCown or John Beck at quarterback, because I’m guessing they probably wouldn’t have. Then there’s the small matter of fact that Chad Pennington will probably be the Dolphins QB for the next 5 years while Favre is most likely gone after this year. That was not a “trade that helped both teams”, it was a horrible trade for the Jets, it will look even more horrible if Chad and the Dolphins end the Jets season this week.



4. I really do find it ironic that while the BCS is an annual target of just about everybody, this year it’s the NFL’s playoff system that is turning out much more jacked up and unfair. To wit, last week the Patriots beat the Cardinals 47-7, and in all honesty the game wasn’t even that close. Nevertheless, the 8-7 Cardinals are going to the playoffs while the 10-5 Patriots have to not only win this week but hope for either the Dolphins or the Ravens to lose as well. Then there’s the guy in the picture above who ran out of the stands and tackled Junior Seau on the sideline, providing us with a poignant example of WTF Dadaism in a world gone to hell.



5. The Chargers are doing the same thing they do every year, which is to lay down for the first 10 games or so then come on strong at the end of the year. This team that was 4-8 at one point now controls its own destiny and can not only reach the playoffs but host a playoff game if they can beat the Broncos at home this week. They have had to earn this situation though, last week they went into Tampa and beat the Bucs behind 4 TD passes from Philip Rivers in what shall be heretofore known as "The Jeff Garcia 5 Alarm Great Muta Blade Job Face Game".



6. Speaking of the Broncos, they continue to be as tough and gritty as a tub of Cool Whip. They blew their second chance to clinch the AFC West, this time losing at home to a Bills team that had lost seven out of their last 8. The Bills had 2 chances to tie it on the last 2 plays of the game when Brandon Stokely twice got open in the end zone, but on the first play Cutler threw it over his head, and on the second play Stokely dropped the ball. Thankfully, there was no more time left on the clock after that so they couldn't try again and both break their legs or something. Now the Broncos have to win in San Diego this weekend to avoid missing the playoffs. Says WR and geography major Brandon Marshall, “Unfortunately we’re not going to be able to go up there and take it easy,” “Up there” being San Diego. Someone please tell Marshall he plays for Denver, not Tijuana.



7. Give kudos to Joe Flacco. One day he’s laying on his back on the cover of SI, which is not a good thing unless you are a swimsuit model, or better yet with a swimsuit model on top of you, the next he is leading his team into the final game at Texas Stadium where they are expected to quietly play Jerry Flynn to the Cowboys’ Goldberg, but instead Flacco and the Ravens actually WIN the durned game and send the entire Cowboys organization into a raging case of premenstrual syndrome. Actually, Flacco didn’t do too much, it was mostly LeRon McClain and Willis McGahee (247 rushing yards combined), but hey, he was the guy taking the pile driver on the cover of SI, so I have to give him some credit.



8. And finally, the quietest 11-4 team you have ever seen, the Indianapolis Colts, won again, this time a 31-24 nail biter in Jacksonville. Sure, the Colts play terrible opposition pretty much every week (their last 4 wins have come over Cleveland, Cincinnati, Detroit, and Jax), but 8 wins in a row is 8 wins in a row I guess. With their high scoring offense, lack of a running game, questionable defense, and soft schedule, consider them the NFL equivalent of a team going into a BCS bowl out of the WAC conference, which if Hawaii taught us anything last year (and this year too…good God..getting spanked at home by Notre Dame??) is not really a good thing. Also note that since I visited Lucas Oil Field in October and bought my goofy looking Colts stocking cap and giant Peyton Manning bobblehead, the Colts have not lost.



8+1. So before I wrap here, let's review the playoff implications of the Week 17 games:

- The only way the Ravens can miss the playoffs is if they lose to Jacksonville, and New England beats Buffalo. So let's for the sake of simplicity assume Baltimore beats Jacksonville and is in as the sixth seed.

- That leaves the AFC East division champ berth as the last available slot. Miami can sew that up with a win over the Jets. If the Dolphins lose, they are out. This game is a straight up elimination playoff game for them.

- If the Jets win against the Dolphins, then the Patriots can win the division with a win over Buffalo. If the Jets win AND New England loses, the Jets are in as the AFC East champs.

So if you are a Patriots fan, go paint yourself Green and buy yourself an Eric Mangini Fathead, because unless the Jaguars are feeling really frisky, you will need their help this weekend. If you are a Jets fan, keep hating the Patriots like you already do, because you need them to lose.

- And of course, Denver at San Diego is a playoff game. Winner is in as the #4 seed and AFC West Champ. Loser is done.

Merry Christmas Patrick

Here are your NFL BCS Bowl Matchups

Kohler Porcelain God Bowl
#32 Lions v. #31 Rams

Immodium Irritable Bowel Syndrome Bowl
#29 Browns v. #30 Bengals

Kleenex It's Sad What's Become Of These Franchises Bowl
#27 Chiefs v. #28 Raiders

Disappointment Bowl Brought To You By "Quantum of Solace"
#25 Jaguars v. #26 Seahawks

GM Slow Starter Bowl
#23 49ers v. #24 Texans

Lucky Charms Horseshoe Up The Ass Bowl
#21 Cardinals v. #22 Broncos

Isotoner Long, Cold, Sad Winter Bowl
#19 Packers v. #20 Bills

History Channel French and Indian War Bowl
#17 Patriots v. #18 Redskins

Ripley's I Can't Believe You Can Blow a Game in 11 Seconds Bowl
#15 Bears v. #16 Falcons

Xerox These Teams Just Played Each Other Bowl
#13 Chargers v. #14 Bucs

Buffalo Wild Wings Wildcat Single Wing Bowl
#11 Colts v. #12 Dolphins

Starcaps Urine Bowl
#9 Vikings v. #10 Steelers

Wrangler Jeans Childlike Joy Bowl
#7 Jets v. #8 Saints

Pets.Com Year 2000 Throwback Bowl
#5 Ravens v. #6 Giants

There's Nothing Left In the Bowl Because Andy Reid Ate It All Bowl*
#3 Panthers v. #4 Eagles
*This Bowl cannot end in a tie, per special Donovan McNabb Rule

PacMan Jones Make It Rain Bowl
#1 Titans v. #2 Cowboys

8 In the Box- NFC

Sorry I missed Week 15...you absolutely do not want to know how busy work has been for me lately. I am currently on my 9th consecutive day of work with no days off. Merry Fucking Christmas.

Here's a quick one sentence recap of what happened in Week 15:

The Giants lost their second in a row, this time losing to the Cowboys 20-8, the Bears kept their seasons alive by beating the Saints in OT on Thurs Night, a win they had to have as the Vikings beat up on the Cardinals on Sunday, Atlanta won a big wildcard spot showdown against the Bucs in OT, while Philly continued its late season resurgence by thumping Cleveland, Pittsburgh set up a showdown for AFC homefield in Week 16 by beating Baltimore while the Titans lost to red hot Houston, Detroit lost again to fall 0-14, as the Colts beat them to win their 6th in a row, all the AFC East hopefuls (New England, the Jets, and the Dolphins) won, while the AFC West leading Broncos failed to clinch their division because they got dusted in Carolina.

So that was Week 15 and that was a runon sentence, now on to the return of the world-renowned EIGHT IN THE BOX..covering the NFC happenings in Week 16.





1. Exactly as they are supposed to, the BCS computers matched up the top 2 teams in the NFC to decide who gets home field advantage like men, on the field.

The Giants entered this showdown against Carolina having lost two games in a row, and arterially wounded just like Plaxico Burress' leg. The running game had been unable to compensate for the loss of Burress, due in part to a knee injury to Brandon Jacobs, and in part just to plain old "disgraceful" performances, as Derrick Ward put it.

Against Carolina though, the only thing "disgraceful" about the Giants running game was the way they performed public sodomy on the Panthers defense. Ward rushed for 215 yards, and Jacobs had 87 and 3 TDs, as the Giants came from behind to beat the Panthers, who got 4 rushing TDs from DeAngelo Williams, 34-28 in OT. The loss of home field advantage was a big one for Carolina, as they are 8-0 at home this year, and 3-4 on the road.



2. On the other end of the good/suck continuum, the Lions are one game away from completing their magical 0-16 season. I thought maybe a home game against a Saints team who had nothing to play for was a good opportunity for the Lions to get that victory. But they lost 42-7, so maybe not. Next week they go to Lambeau Field to face a Packers team that has lost 5 in a row and 7 out of their last 8. I smell "flex game".




3. There may yet be hope for the Lions, though. Just look at the Falcons. Only 1 year after the Michael Vick Experience ended in him mopping floors in the joint for 40 cents and 3 cans of mackerel an hour, the Falcons have completely turned it around. They are now officially in the playoffs as a wildcard thanks to a 24-17 win in Minnesota. The Falcons entered the game ranked 29th in the league in yards per rushing attempt against, but pulled it together to hold Adrian Peterson to only 76 yards on 22 carries.



4. I am officially declaring it completely impossible to predict how the Dallas Cowboys will play from week to week. They're good, then they're bad, then they're fighting, then they love each other, then Wade Phillips is fired, then he's not, then they're going to the Super Bowl, then they are not going to the playoffs. I give up.

As Oprah would say, what I know for sure is, the Cowboys stunk it up this past Saturday night, losing the final game at Texas Stadium 33-24 because LeRon McClain and the undead Willis McGahee combined to roll up 247 rushing yards against them. I also know that they need to beat the Eagles this weekend to make the playoffs, and that Jerry Jones has said Wade Phillips will be back next year whether the Cowboys make the playoffs or not, which I also know I do not believe for a second.

A funny stat in this Ravens game was the Ravens fumbled 5 times and only lost 1 of them. Pro Football Prospectus tells us that who recovers a fumble is essentially a random outcome, so chalk some of it up to bad luck for the Cowboys. You can also chalk some of it up to Marion Barber's toe still hurting him. If I were an NFL GM, order of business #1 would be to amputate every one's toes as a prophlyactic measure.



5. The Eagles may end up being a yard short of the playoffs. Down 10-3 with 12 seconds left against the Redskins, Donovan McNabb hit Reggie Brown on the Redskins 1 yard line, Brown went airborne, but couldn't get into the end zone. The final seconds ran out, and that was it, Eagles lose, and now need to beat the Cowboys next week and get help to make the playoffs. Some sweet play selection in this game by Andy Reid, who despite all the success the Eagles had running the ball against the Giants and Browns the last two weeks, called 48 pass plays versus 14 running plays this week. The result was 3 points.



6. Entering Week 16, the Bears had a 6.25% chance of winning the NFC North. They needed the Vikings to close the season with 2 losses, and they needed to win their final 2. Exiting Week 16, that 6.25% chance has become a 25% chance. The Vikings, as you already know, lost to the Falcons, and the Bears came from behind to beat the Packers in OT on a Monday Night in Chicago so cold that the temperature had to measured in Kelvin. It took a blocked field goal as regulation expired, and a few fortunate bounces on punts, but the Bears are still alive. If they can go to Houston and beat the Texans next week, and the Vikings lose to a convalescing Giants team, the Bears will be NFC North champs at 10-6.



7. One will have to forgive the Bears and their fans if they are a little upset if the Bears finish 10-6 and miss the playoffs, while the Cardinals get in at 8-8. The Cards have been horrible since about Thanksgiving, losing 4 out of 5 and giving up 38 points per game in those 5 games. Their latest ass kicking came at the hands of the Patriots in snowy Foxboro, in a 47-7 flogging that saw the not so triumphant return of cross eyed Matt Leinart. The Cards, I will remind you, are your 2008 NFC West champs, and will open the playoffs at home in 2 weeks. And people think the BCS is jacked up.



8. So, with the Falcons having clinched 1 wildcard spot (and can still actually win the NFC South with a win and a Carolina loss, but whatever, the Panthers and Falcons are both in, we know that), and the Bears and Vikings to decide the NFC North this upcoming weekend, that leaves 1 precious wildcard spot that about a million teams are fighting over. A quick rundown of the contenders:

- Dallas will be in if they beat Philadelphia. There are a whole lot of people who should be rooting for the Eagles this week, because none of these other scenarios come in to play unless the Cowboys lose.

- If Dallas loses, the next team with a clear shot is Tampa Bay. The Bucs are at home against the Raiders, so it would seem that if Dallas loses than Tampa will be in, but Tampa's lost 3 in a row, so who even knows if they can beat the Raiders anymore.

- The Bears can still sneak into the playoffs even if the Vikings win this weekend. If Dallas and Tampa both lose, and the Bears win at Houston, then the Bears get that final wildcard spot.

- And finally, the Eagles will get the final spot if they beat Dallas, Tampa loses to Oakland, and the Bears lose to Houston. When the moon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars.

Tomorrow..8 In the Box for the AFC. I promise.

Bowl Picks

As much as the BCS system is the most nonsensical system to determine a champion in the near and far universe, me and Voltron (the lion one; fuck the vehicle one) love this time of season because bowl represent the Superbowl for a bunch of schools. Here are some of my picks that I'm walking the walk with in a Bowl Pick'em.

Patrick N picks are in bold

Non BCS

Poinsettia Bowl: Favorite TCU (11) vs. Boise St. (9)

This is a toss up with TCU's defense and Boise's offense. Boise St. is going to be one of those schools that has the most undefeated seasons without a BCS Championship. Vegas has this as an even match up with most casinos having TCU up by 2-3 pts, but I think Boise has the intangibles and want this game more than TCU to bitch the BCS system.

Hawaii Bowl: Favorite Notre Dame vs. Hawaii

Hilariously, Notre Dame, the crappiest, overhyped team in any sport, is favored. Notre Dame's d sucks, o sucks, and is flying into a Hawaii home game because, shit, IT'S THE FUCKING HAWAII BOWL. Vegas has Hawaii favored by a point, but all the casinos have Notre Dame by 1.5 pts. go to the Hilton Casino or Sportsbook.com right now, put money on Hawaii and make the easiest coin in your life.

BCS Bowls

The Orange Bowl (AKA The Dogshit Bowl): Favorite Cincinnati (12) vs. Virginia Tech (21)

Mary Star of the Sea vs. Braille Institute. Deaf U vs. Amy Grant State. Who gives a donkey dick about this BCS bowl? These teams make it while Boise St. and Texas Tech didn't. Damn, BCS is so awesome. Vegas has this as even, most casinos have this as Cincinnati as two pt favorites, I see Virginia Tech win because I took a dump and it was in the shape of a VT. Don't ask how that happened.

Sugar Bowl (AKA The BCS Rig Bowl): Favorite Alabama (4) vs. Utah (7)

See, this is just messed up. BCS wants to make a point that the Utahs and Boise Sts are not worthy of BCS bowls by pitting Utah against Alabama. Why couldn't Utah play Cincinnati or Virginia Tech? Hell, Even Penn State I think Utah would have a chance to beat, but Alabama? Really. Alabama/USC or Alabama/Texas would have been better, but BCS didn't want a co-champion problem again. I hate Utah, but I feel sorry for them here. Vegas has Alabama favored by a 2nd to highest 11 points making it the second most guaranteed win right next to the South Florida rapage over Memphis. Whatever, BCS. Whatever.

Fiesta Bowl (AKA The BCS Rewards Whispering Eyes Not Manliness Bowl): Texas (3) vs. Ohio State (10)

Thanks to USC, we didn't have to see Ohio State get raped again in the BCS Championship and USC gets cheated from a National Title game. Wow. This match up is ironic because Texas put 4 super hard games to screw themselves over, and Ohio State rigs their schedule to lose early so they can build back up the rankings. If Ohio State wins this, I will uninstall my face with my fist.

Rose Bowl (AKA The USC Bowl): Favorite USC (5) vs. Penn State (6)

A home game for USC, the only way Penn State has a chance in this is if USC's mind isn't in this because they wanted a different bowl just to change things up. Then Pete Carroll will be like, "Dawgs, 7 of you defensive bitches will be going to the NFL. If anyone else wants to get paid, better bukake Penn State." Then USC will surpass the 10 pt favorite mark given to them by Vegas and I'll give half my BCS title vote to USC. The other half is to Texas. And the other half is to Boise St.

BCS Championship: Favorite Florida (1) vs. Oklahoma (2)

Look, based on the BCS system, this was probably the best match up. But that's like saying me and your mom was the best match up when I had to choose a dog, a monkey, a rock, and a man. And picking the monkey would have been alright. And maybe the man if he looked like Angelina Jolie. Would it really be that wrong to see one of these teams as champions? No. But this would be like having the Patriots playing the Cowboys last year leaving the Giants to not win the title. This title game just feels empty to me. Congrats to Florida who are 3 point favorites in the casinos and probably will get higher as we get closer to this bowl's date.

I wait in anticipation for Nicky P's final NFL Power Rankings so I can put them in bowl games and play them on autoplay in NFL 2009. And if Nick put them in bowl games himself, that would be even better. HEHE