Sunday, September 14, 2008

Week 2

I'm dragging ass today. I was at a Korean karaoke brothel until 2 in the morning last night. It was an interesting place. It had about 10 separate rooms where groups go in and huddle around a karaoke machine with a big flat screen displaying the lyrics. The machine lights up in about 30 different colors and all the writing on it is in Korean. All the songs are accompanied by ridiculous Korean music videos full of non-sequiturs. For example, the video for "Kokomo" was set against the backdrop of some kind of Yakuza fantasy. The whole thing has left me drained.


But if anything can revive me, a Sunday full of NFL football can! Let's take a look at the early games.

(1-0) TITANS at (0-1) BENGALS
You would think the Bengals would be a lock to be the most mentally unhinged team in any game they play, but now that Vince Young has apparently scaled the bell tower with a loaded rifle, they are going to have to defer to the T's. This surprised me, but in these team's last meeting last year, the Bengals torched the Titans 35-6 behind a 32 of 38 day for Carson Palmer. There are a lot of arrows pointing the Bengals' way here, but the Titans just looked so good last week, and the Bengals looked so bad, that makes it impossible for me to go with the Bengals.

MY PICK- TITANS 24, BENGALS 20

HALFTIME UPDATE
The Bengals defense did a good job bottling up Chris Johnson, until he broke a 50 yard run at th end of the first half, that set up a Kerry Collins to Justin Gage TD. TJ Houshmandzadeh, I think, is in some sort of waking coma. Chris Perry has had a nice day, carrying for 57 yards and a TD in the first half against the taut Tennesee defense. Titans lead 14-7.

FULLTIME UPDATE

The Titans seem to have benefitted from taking the reins of their offense away from the suicidal guy, and handing it over to the recovering alcoholic. Meanwhile, Captain America, Carson Palmer, can't find a way to throw for over 150 yards despite having supposedly 2 of the best wide receivers in the league. I dunno, maybe it's time to bring back David Klingler, until then, call me when this league starts making sense. 100+ rushing yards for Chris Johnson.

Actually, I feel bad about making light of Vince Young's issues. Get well, Vince.


FINAL- TITANS 24, BENGALS 7






*****

(1-0) BILLS at (0-1) JAGUARS
The Jags opened this season as everyone's darkhorse pick to win the Super Bowl. Everyone's. Especially mine. Then they shit the bed in week 1 against the Titans and got their whole offensive line hurt. Now I have no idea what this team is going to do. The Bills have the best special teams in the league and it won the game for them in their opener when they played a flawless game against the Seahawks. My guess is that the Bills can't be as good as they looked last week, and the Bills can't be as bad.

MY PICK- JAGUARS 17, BILLS 13

HALFTIME UPDATE
The Jaguars offense has been totally at sea so far this year. Fred Taylor has 7 yards on 6 carries, MJD has no carries. David Garrard is making up for lost time with the interceptions. Bills lead 10-3.


FULLTIME UPDATE

Jacksonville took a 16-10 4th quarter lead, and looked like finally they were waking their goat mouth asses up, even sneaking an onside kick past the Bills' vaunted special teams. But it's hard to protect a lead when your running back Wonder Twins average a little over 3 yards a carry, and eventually the Jags fell victim to a pair of perfectly thrown balls by Trent Edwards that gave the Bills the win and a surprising 2-0 start. The Jags fall to 0-2, which in a division with Tennessee and Indy is a bad thing. James Hardy scored his first NFL touchdown to put the Bills ahead. The cook at my frat house's name was also James Hardy. He had the wingspan of Yao Ming, and he used his arm to stir vats of Kool Aid. I guess when you have arms that long you find ways to use them.

FINAL- BILLS 20, JAGUARS 16





******

(0-1) RAIDERS AT (0-1) CHIEFS
I think the 2008 Chiefs legacy will be that they were the team that ended Tom Brady's season. They lost their own starting QB in that game too, but I think the loss of Brady is going to end up being more painful than the loss of Brodie Croyle. You can quote me on that. Damon Huard will take the snaps for KC today against a Raiders team that embarrassed themselves in their Monday Night opener at home against Denver in Week 1. ESPN's telling me that Lane Kiffin could be gone as soon as Monday, and Al Davis has said that, "He's not the guy I hired".

MY PICK- CHIEFS 23, RAIDERS 16

HALFTIME UPDATE
Justin Fargas appears to be in severe groinal discomfort, so Darren McFadden, it's your time to shine. JaMarcus Russell is 3 for 11. Tyler Thigpen and Damon Huard are 4 for 12. The Raiders are winning 6-0, but in reality, there are no winners here.


FULLTIME UPDATE


Well Eurethra! Who knew that if you just PUT DARREN MCFADDEN IN THE GAME that good things would happen? McFadden comes on for Huggy Bear and his injured groin and ends up with 164 rushing yards. Michael Bush had 90 yards too. Sweet Jesus, the Raiders rushed for 300 yards. Almost makes you not notice that surefire bust JaMarcus Russell completed only 6 of 17 passes for 55 yards. Raiders win, so Lane Kiffin doesn't get fired, which is a ridiculous statement. Basically, the Raiders change their plans for the future of the franchise because they beat a horrible Chiefs team. If it were me running the Raiders, Lane would still be fired, and replaced with Ned Yost.



FINAL- RAIDERS 23, CHIEFS 8






******


(0-1) COLTS AT (0-1) VIKINGS
One of two things will happen this week. Either Peyton Manning will look as bad and as shackled as he did against the Bears last week, or he's going to come out royally pissed and light up a pass defense that ranked last in the league in yards allowed last year, and didn't look a whole lot better against Aaron Rodgers and the Packers last week. I will not bet against Peyton Manning. I saw him during the pregame show, and he had that crazy look in his eye.

MY PICK- COLTS 37, VIKINGS 17

HALFTIME UPDATE
The story of this season so far has been AFC teams that are traditionally powers are all shitting the bed. The Colts look awful. Adrian Peterson already has 100+ rushing yards and Indy's getting shut out 9-0.


FULLTIME UPDATE

One of these teams was going to be 0-2. In the end it was the irresistable force (Peyton Manning) meeting the very movable object (Vikings pass defense), leading to the Vikings being unable to hold a 15-0 second half lead, and the Colts winning on a Vinatieri field goal in the waning moments. Anthony Gonzalez torches the Viking secondary for 137 receiving yards, and I think its safe to say that he's Peyton's new Marvin Harrison. Adrian Peterson runs for 160 yards, but no touchdowns. The Vikings kicked field goals though, lots and lots of field goals. If the Vikings don't get their shit together and make the playoffs this year, I deem that a fireable offense for Brad Childress.


FINAL- COLTS 18, VIKINGS 15





*****
(1-0) BEARS AT (1-0) PANTHERS
Both teams are coming off shocking wins on the road against AFC heavyweights. One of these teams is for real, and I'm pretty sure it's not the Bears. If they win this game though, then I'm on board.

MY PICK- PANTHERS 24, BEARS 10

HALFTIME UPDATE
The Bears get more out of the special teams phase of the game than any team outside of the Bills. A blocked punt for a TD has the Bears up 10-3 at the half, and Matt Forte is on pace for another 100 yard game.

FULLTIME UPDATE

People here in Chicago are rending their garments that they playcalling was too conservative, but the fact is the Bears offensive and defensive lines both ran out of gas in the second half, and couldn't run the ball or stop Jonathan Stewart from running on them, and the result was the Bears coughing up a 17-3 lead and dropping one to the Panthers. Stewart took over the second half, finishing with 77 yards on 14 carries and 2 TDs. Carolina's 2-0 and all alone atop the NFC South.

FINAL- PANTHERS 20, BEARS 17




(1-0) PACKERS AT (0-1) LIONS
Brett Favre threw for 381 yards and 3 TDs when the Pack went to Ford Field last year. Aaron Rodgers is probably dressed in a Napoleon costume, licking his chops as I write this. As for the Lions, this Rod Marinelli thing is not going to work out. Their next head coach will probably be that assistant of theirs who got arrested for going thru the Burger King drive thru naked a couple of years ago. Either him or Kwame Kilpatrick.

MY PICK- PACKERS 33, LIONS 20

HALFTIME UPDATE
3 first half TD passes for Aaron Rodgers, and 107 receiving yards for Greg Jennings. I'm not sure if Rodgers performance has more to do with his playing against the Lions, or him playing against one of my fantasy teams.


FULLTIME UPDATE

I'm going to have a hard time watching the Packers this year, as they have a guy named "Lumpkin" on their team, and everytime I see him I can't help but think of the word "Blumpkin". It was cute when Detroit came back and took the lead in this game, and Calvin Johnson kept slam dunking the ball over the goalposts. Then Kitna kept getting picked off for touchdowns, and that was the end of that. 165 receiving yards for Greg Jennings, and the Packers win.


FINAL- PACKERS 48, LIONS 25







(1-0) GIANTS AT (0-1) RAMS
I love how the town fathers spent the whole month of August clucking their tongues and stroking their beards and lamenting oh woe is the New York Giants, and now it's almost guaranteed they are going to start the season 2-0. Kobe, how's my ass taste.

MY PICK- GIANTS 30, RAMS 13

HALFTIME UPDATE
Josh Brown is using his super playing against one of my fantasy teams powers to nail two 54 yard field goals. Chris Long has his first NFL sack, and the Rams are hanging tough against the Giants, trailing only 10-6. Brandon Jacobs has been ineffective with less than 3 yards per on 10 carries, but Derrick Ward has been getting carries and has 41 yards on 6 carries.


FULLTIME UPDATE

I get the same thought watching the Rams as I do watching the patients on "Brookhaven Obesity Clinic", that thought of, "My God how do you let it get to this point?". Horrible though they are, the Rams are down only a TD in the 4th quarter, but then they come unglued and take their pounding. The state of Missouri has 2 really awful football teams. 3 TD passes for Eli. Justin Tuck has 2 sacks and takes an INT at the line back for a score.


FINAL- GIANTS 41, RAMS 13







(1-0) SAINTS AT (0-1) REDSKINS
One of the best games you heard nothing about last week was the Saints/Bucs NFC South showdown. It was a huge win for the Saints, who really need a good start this season to send the message that last year's struggles were an aberration. The Redskins just can't get out of their own way as a franchise, and their offense looked completely bewildered in their season opening loss to the Giants. They face a softer defense this week, again at home, but I still like the Saints to eke one out.

MY PICK- SAINTS 20, REDSKINS 17

HALFTIME UPDATE
Pierre Thomas' one yard plunge is the only TD in what's been a 10-9 taffy pull thus far.

FULLTIME UPDATE
This game went and got all exciting in the second half. Reggie Bush took a punt back for a TD to give the Saints a 24-15 lead.

An inability to run the ball, you'll find, is like having a lousy bullpen in baseball, leads tend to evaporate. The Saints can't run, and their lead evaporated, with Santana Moss torching a rookie corner and catching a 67 yard bomb from Jason Campbell to put the Skins ahead to stay.

164 receiving yards for Moss, and 2 TDs for Clinton Portis. Moss' fantasy owners, I predict, will now have the pleasure of spending the rest of the season of chasing the dragon hoping for Moss to repeat this, which he will, in week 11 or so, after he's been benched by most owners after a string of 20 yard games.

FINAL- REDSKINS 29, SAINTS 24





LATE GAMES

(1-0) FALCONS AT (0-1) BUCS
Now that Jeff Garcia is, ahem, "injured", the Bucs have turned things over to Brian Griese, and need a win here to avoid an 0-2 start. Gruden said he "didn't like the way he (Garcia) was playing". Well, I don't like Gruden's face. Atlanta's win last week over Detroit is looking a little more impressive now that Detroit is beating Green Bay late in the 4th quarter, and we're all anxious to see how Michael Turner follows up his 200+ yard debut as a feature back.

MY PICK- BUCS 24, FALCONS 13

FULLTIME UPDATE
The Falcons MO to stay competitive this year should be to give the ball to Michael Turner and Jerrious Norwood 20 times each and then let Matt Ryan fling it downfield to Roddy White 2 or 3 times a game, then hope for the best. Instead, they fell behind 17-0 early here and just kind of threw the gameplan out the window. Turner and Norwood only got 20 carries combined, and didn't do a whole lot with them. The defense hung in there, and the outcome was in doubt until Honest Earnest Graham busted a 61 yard TD run to put it away with 3 minutes left. 2 sacks for Gaines Adams, who was a top 10 draft choice for the Bucs last year.


FINAL- BUCS 24, FALCONS 9






(0-1) 49ers AT (0-1) SEAHAWKS
Seattle has no wide receivers, San Francisco has no quarterback. Thank God for me I have instructed DirecTv to black out all NFC West intra-divisional games from my Sunday Ticket package. They were all like, "Why? Don't you want to see as much NFL action as possible?" I was all like, "Trust me, I know what I'm doing".

MY PICK- SEAHAWKS 23, 49ERS 13

FULLTIME UPDATE


Sometimes it just takes one big win to completely turn a franchise around. Sometimes you can even pinpoint one play in that game as the moment where a team stopped sucking. In this game, the Seahawks were driving midway thru the 3rd quarter toward a score that would have put them up 27-17, and seemingly on their way to yet another beatdown of the doormat 49ers. Then Patrick Willis picked off Matt Hasselbeck and took it 86 yards for a TD that instead put SF up 24-20. I've always thought Mike Nolan was a good coach, and that he would succeed in San Francisco, and I think this may have been the moment the Niners begin turn it all around.

JT O'Sullivan gets sacked 8 times, and still is able to lead the Niners on a 10 play drive to a game winning Joe Nedney field goal in OT. Isaac Bruce does his best Ponce de Leon imitation and pops for 153 receiving yards. The Seahawks got 127 rushing yards from Julius Jones, and those 8 sacks, but it wasn't enough to keep them from going on the 0-2 deathwatch list.


FINAL- NINERS 33, SEAHAWKS 30 OT






*****

(1-0) PATRIOTS AT (1-0) JETS
If Belichick is the defensive mastermind he is purported to be, I expect Favre to get picked off 6 times today. This is supposed to be where the Patriots get their ultimate comeuppance and Mangenius videotapes himself having Belichick perform a Rusty Trombone on him, but I do not buy into the Jets one bit.

MY PICK- PATRIOTS 27, JETS 10


FULLTIME UPDATE

I think we all forgot this in the hailstorm of 40+ point victories last year, but the Patriots made their bones by being a boring ass team that sucked the life out of the opposition and won a lot of 17-10 type games. They can very easily play that type of game, and win those type of games, and they've now done it twice already this year. The Pats just kept pounding the ball on the ground unsuccessfully with Laurence Maroney (8 carries, 16 yards) and Sammy Morris (ZERO yards on EIGHT carries! )until they finally found a back in Lamont Jordan who didn't get shut down (11 carries for 62 yards). And when Favre set up the Pats on the 30 yard line with an interception, they capitalized with a TD.


FINAL- PATRIOTS 19, JETS 10



(0-1) CHARGERS AT (1-0) BRONCOS
I loves me some Eddie Royal. The Chargers sleepwalked thru their opener, you would hope that dropping one at home woke them up, and I think it will.

MY PICK- CHARGERS 30, BRONCOS 20
FULLTIME UPDATE
God, where do I begin with this game more beautiful than anything the Brazilian soccer team could produce?

Let's start with the emergence of Jay Cutler as the most impressive QB in the league so far this season. Mike Shanahan now has so much confidence in him that not only does he elect to go for 2 and go for the win with seconds remaining in the game and the score 38-37 Chargers, but he calls a pass play, and Cutler zips it home to Eddie Royal, just as he did on the preceding play for a TD, to get the 2 points and give the Broncos the win.

Then there's Brandon Marshall returning from suspension and catching 18 passes, 2 short of the NFL record, for 166 yards.

Let's not forget Philip Rivers throwing for 377 yards and 3 TDs and bringing the Chargers back from a 31-17 halftime deficit.

And, of course, let us pay homage to Ed Hochuli, whose inadvertent whistle on a Cutler fumble with 2 minutes left in the game screwed the Chargers out of a win. Hochuli told Norv Turner right after the play that he screwed up. Now he will be downgraded by the NFL, and forced to work Rams games the rest of the season.

FINAL- BRONCOS 39, CHARGERS 38





(0-1) DOLPHINS AT (1-0) CARDINALS
You know what. I think this might finally be the season the Cardinals finally actually do get good, and make the playoffs. Actually, they can still be absolutely horrible and still make the playoffs playing in the NFC West. I think CBS has Patrick Duffy and Lorenzo Llamas doing the call on this one.

MY PICK- CARDINALS 27, DOLPHINS 16

FULLTIME UPDATE

Oh woe to the Dolphins. Jimmy Johnson couldn't save them. Bill Parcells cannot save them. Brent Musburger cannot save them. No pregame show personality can save them. Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin combine for 293 receiving yards. 3 TD for Boldin. The Cardinals are 2-0 for the first time since 1991, when Tom Tupa was their quarterback and their punter and would have to go to his night job at the factory after games.

FINAL- CARDINALS 31, DOLPHINS 10





******

SUNDAY NIGHT

(1-0) STEELERS AT (0-1) BROWNS

Great things were predicted for the Browns this year. Great things. They've yet to win a football game of any kind this season though, be it practice game or real game, and a loss here puts them 2 games back in their division with 1/4 of their home schedule already gone.

NICK'S PICK- STEELERS BY A SMIDGE

FULLTIME UPDATE

Didn't see too much of this game. I was too busy throwing things and speaking in tongues as the White Sox and Octavio Dotel blew a 7-0 lead on ESPN. I guess the Steelers ended up winning 10-6. Sounds like a really exciting game. I think someone needs to give Derek Anderson another can of spinach, because his super powers seem to have run out. It's looking more and more like its only a matter of time before Brady Quinn, Medicine Woman, is called on to save the Browns season.

FINAL- STEELERS 10, BROWNS 6




MONDAY NIGHT
(1-0) EAGLES AT (1-0) COWBOYS
Everyone love, love, loooooves the Eagles this year. You certainly have to be impressed by the way they blew out the Rams. That's some quality opposition right there. They may very well be a little better than last year, but it doesn't change that Donovan McNabb is still a vag and somewhere along the line he'll go south, probably right when Westbrook gets hurt, and the media will start making all kinds of excuses for him (which they already are even though the Eagles have been good), and dur dee dur dee dur.

NICK'S PICK- COWBOYS BY A BUNCH

FULLTIME UPDATE

The Eagles and Cowboys kept trading touchdowns, until McNabb boofed up 2 handoffs to Westbrook, the final one being almost funny where he was like, "Here take the ball, no wait don't take it, just kidding, here you go, uh oh", causing a fumble that ended the Eagles hopes of winning. Which only goes to prove my point about McNabb. I don't care how good he looked in this game, he fucked up 2 handoffs at the most crucial moments of the game. It's the same old McNabb. He may as well have barfed on the field after that second botched exchange just to drive that point home. I'm still not buying the Eagles. The only reason they remained in this game was the Cowboys racked up 108 yards in penalties.


Meanwhile, Westbrook had 3 TDs. DeSean Jackson had his second 100+ yard receiving game, and spiked the ball on the 1 yard line, illustrating a major problem of his of knowing where the end zone is. TO had 2 TDs, and Jason Witten had 110 receiving yards. Felix Jones had a kickoff return for a TD, and the vaunted Eagles secondary looked terrible, giving up over 10 yards per pass play.


FINAL- COWBOYS 41, EAGLES 37




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