"How In the Heck Did the Indians Lose 84 Games?"

That was the question posed by ESPN's Jayson Stark, who today received his membership card in the Indians' ass licking society.

Well, there just happens to be this interconnected network of computers or "interweb", in which old boxscores from last seasons are archived and one can actually see for themselves how something like this could happen. So, here we go, here's how the Cooperstown Indians went 78-84 last year.

Loss #1- at White Sox 10, Indians 4
CC Sabathia exited this game and entered the disabled list in the third inning of this one. Then the Sox lit up reliever Fernando Cabrera for 6 runs in one inning of work.

Loss #2- Mariners 11, at Indians 9
Paul Byrd gets rocked in 3 2/3 and Danny Graves throws gasoline on the fire after that.

Loss #3- Mariners 9, at Indians 5
Indians up 4-0 at one point in this game. Then bullpen gives up 6 runs in 3 innings and offense does nothing after fifth inning.

Loss #4- at Tigers 5, Indians 1
Kenny Rogers coagulates the Indians offense over 8 innings. Tribe leaves 10 baserunners.

Loss #5- at Tigers 1, Indians 0
An unpleasant visit to the island of Dr. Maroth.

Loss #6- at Orioles 18, Indians 9
Cleveland leads this game 4-1 and then 7-3, but Jake Westbrook is incendiary in ugly loss.

Loss #7- at Orioles 9, Indians 4
O's tag Fausto Carmona in 6 run sixth. Carmona is back in rotation this year until Cliff Lee is healthy or they find something better.

Loss #8- at Royals 11, Indians 5
It's a Byrd! It's a plane! It's a shitty starting pitcher!! Still in the rotation this year too.

Loss #9- at Royals 5, Indians 1
Travis Hafner plays canasta in dugout (DNP-MD in this game) while Indians get shut down by Jeremy Affeldt and Elmer Dessens.

Loss #10- at Red Sox 8, Indians 6
Manny hits 3 run bomb in 8th inning off Guillermo Mota to break tie. How's that bullpen this year? Oh yeah, Roberto Hernandez.

Loss #11- Rangers 7, at Indians 5
Fausto Carmona gives up 3 in the first inning and the Indians never recover. I love that he's back in their rotation now.

Loss #12- Rangers 8, at Indians 4
Indians up 4-1 heading into 7th, then Jake Westbrook conks out and Jason Davis (still card carrying member of Indians pen) makes things worse.

Loss #13- at White Sox 8, Indians 6
Konerko hits 3 run homer off Cliff Lee in 1st inning. Indians manage 1 run in 6 innings against Javy Vazquez. Fundamentally sound 4 error game for Indians.

Loss #14- at A's 12, Indians 4
Jason Johnson gets lit up for 7 runs in 2 innings. Indians score only 4 runs on 14 hits.

Loss #15- at Mariners 4, Indians 1
Eric Wedge gives Pronk another rest from his strenuous job of sitting on his ass all day and swinging a bat 3-6 times, and as a result Indians shut down over 8 innings by Joel Pineiro.

Loss #16- at Royals 4, Indians 3
Indians have bases loaded nobody out in 4th inning and manage only 1 run. KC reliever Mike Wood then holds them scoreless for 4 1/3.

Loss #17- at Royals 10, Indians 7
Jason Johnson implodes in 6th inning with Indians leading 6-4. Dutiful bullpen there to make sure Indians bleed out.

Loss #18- at Royals 10, Indians 8
Jake Westbrook bad, but Indians score 3 in 8th to tie game at 8. Enter Guillermo Mota, who gives up dongs to Aaron Guiel and Angel Berroa. Not sure how you can do that without trying to.

Loss #19- Tigers 5, at Indians 4
Wedge leaves Cliff Lee in too long because he has no bullpen, and Tribe loses game in 3 run Tiger 7th.

Loss #20- Tigers 3, at Indians 0
Tribe backs CC Sabathia's 10 strikeout effort with 3 errors and no runs as Jeremy Bonderman shuts them down.

Loss #21- Tigers 3, at Indians 2
Wedge gets six good innings out of the atrocious Jason Johnson, then decides to press his luck in the 7th. Unfortunately he does not get big bucks nor no whammys and Tigers put up a 3 spot. Six losses in a row for Indians.

Loss #22- Pirates 9, at Indians 6
Jason Johnson's vazhin hangs down like wizard's sleeve.

Loss #23- at Twins 6, Indians 5
Guillermo Mota walks leadoff man in 10th and then it's get em over get em in.

Loss #24- at Tigers 8, Indians 3
Jake Westbrook tires in 6th inning, as Jake Westbrook is wont to do, then Jason Davis gives up bases loaded triple to Curtis Granderson to put game out of reach. If I'm an opposing manager facing Jake Westbrook, I tell my players to make him throw as many pitches as possible, if you do that, he's out of there by the 6th inning and then you have Jason Davis to knock around.

Loss #25- at Tigers 3, Indians 1
I'll take this opportunity to point out that the Indians were 6-13 against the Tigers last year. They are the Tigers' bitches, and it's very hard to finish ahead of the team whose bitches you are in the standings.

Loss #26- White Sox 11, at Indians 0
Jim Thome hits 2 bombs, Cliff Lee lasts only 2 2/3. Six shutout innings for Javy Vazquez. Has anyone noticed that the Indians cannot hit Javier Vazquez? I've noticed that.

Loss #27- Angels 10, at Indians 3
Jason Johnson and Guillermo Mota team up to surrender 9 runs in 6 1/3. It is now June and the Indians are still allowing Jason Johnson and Guillermo Mota to poison their season. Ladies and Gentlemen, YOUR 2005 GM of the year, Mark Shapiro. I'm sure that Roberto Hernandez and Joe Borowski are going to work out awesome this year. Shapiro has such a great eye for free agent pitching talent.

Loss #28- Angels 14, at Indians 2
Sabathia and Tribe depantsed on Sunday Night ESPN.

Loss #29- A's 7, at Indians 6
Indians take 6-5 lead in 7th. Scott Sauerbeck starts 8th and before you can say "Breathalyzer" it's 7-6 Oakland.

Loss #30- A's 4, at Indians 1
By the grace of God the Tribe gets 9 decent innings out of Jason Johnson and Fausto Carmona, but they have no answer for Esteban Loaiza.

Loss #31- at White Sox 5, Indians 4
Thome, Konerko, and Dye produce 2 runs to turn a 4-3 Cleveland lead in the 8th inning into a 5-4 Cleveland loss. Those guys don't still play for the White Sox do they? Because they each hit 35+ home runs and had 100+ RBI last year, and from everything I've been reading the White Sox are going to bet terrible this year so they can't possibly still have those guys on the team, right? Cliff Lee walks Thome with one out and then Rafael Betancourt brings the loss home. Indians leave 14 on base.

Loss #32- at White Sox 4, Indians 3
Bob Wickman starts 11th inning with Indians ahead 3-2. Bob Wickman retires nobody who isn't trying to make an out, and walks off with 4-3 loss. I miss Bob Wickman being on the Indians. Seeing him enter a game against the Sox wadd like a guaranteed walkoff victory. I'm sure Joe Borowski will be much better...

Loss #33- at Yankees 1, Indians 0
NOT.

Loss #34- at Yankees 6, Indians 1
The Indians better hope that Jeremy Sowers is a LOT better than Jason Johnson.

Loss #35- at Brewers 6, Indians 4
CC Sabathia gives up 4 in the first and that’s a wrap. A little-known secret about CC Sabathia is that he is prone to having awful first innings.

Loss #36- at Brewers 3, Indians 2
Wickman walks 2 in ninth inning of 2-1 game and they both score. Meanwhile, I am trying to figure out if the Indians are built more like a fantasy team or a softball team.

Loss #37- at Brewers 6, Indians 3
Since Wickman's not the answer for 9th inning sanity, the Indians stick with Betancourt, who pitched the 8th, in the ninth inning of a 3-3 game. Betancourt puts 2 guys on and gives up a 3 pointer to Carlos Lee. Again, let me emphasize that Joe Borowski and Roberto Hernandez are supposed to be the answer to all this shitty bullpen work.

Loss #38- Cubs 12, at Indians 8
I'd like to know what the thought process was behind keeping Jason Johnson in the rotation this long.

Loss #39- Cubs 9, at Indians 2
9 runs in 2 1/3 for Sabathia. Against the 2006 Cubs. Just once I'd like somebody to mention that this fat man has some really, really bad outings.

Loss #40- Reds 3, at Indians 0
Lizard faced Aaron Harang shuts out the Tribe as they fall 8 games under .500.

Loss #41- Reds 4, at Indians 2
Indians bamboozled by somebody named Elizardo Ramirez a day after being flummoxed by lizard-faced Aaron Harang. 2007 Cy Young Award winner Jeremy Sowers gives up 4 runs in 5 innings. Bring back Jason Johnson.

Loss #42- at Cardinals 5, Indians 4
Indians make 2 errors in ninth inning of game they lead 4-3, and lose. To return to the question asked in loss #35, I'm going to go ahead and say fantasy team. At least defense counts for something in softball.

Loss #43- at Reds 9, Indians 8
You know things are bad when you are losing games to the Reds that you are leading 6-0 in the 8th inning. The bullpen gave up NINE earned runs in the eighth and ninth innings of this game. You know why teams like the Twins are good every year despite not looking good on paper? Because they respect the fact that you need good relief pitching to win. Mark Shapiro does not respect this fact, and the Indians do not win.

Loss #44- Yankees 11, at Indians 3
Paul Byrd lacks the wherewithal to overcome Aaron Boone's 2 errors in 8 run 4th inning.

Loss #45- Yankees 10, at Indians 4
Pretty much just a straight up ass kicking. Pitching and defense both awful (6 earned runs/4 unearned). Cliff Lee horrible, giving up 12 baserunners and 7 runs in 6 innings.

Loss #46- Orioles 7, at Indians 4
7 runs in 3 2/3 for Sowers. If I didn't know better I'd swear Jason Johnson shape-shifted into Jeremy Sowers.

Loss #47- Orioles 5, at Indians 4
Indians erupt for 4 runs in 2nd inning, then do nothing the rest of the game. Bullpen fails to hold 4-3 lead in 7th inning.

Loss #48- at Twins 3, Indians 2
Tribe draws 1 walk against 10 strikeouts, squander rare nice performance by bullpen.

Loss #49- at Twins 6, Indians 2
Ace vs. Ace as Sabathia takes on Santana. Santana 7 innings, 5 hits, 2 runs. Sabathia 8 innings, 13 hits, 6 runs. CC Sabathia is no Johan Santana.

Loss #50- at Twins 5, Indians 2
Somehow the Indians are unable to generate any offense against Carlos Silva. The magical Jeremy Sowers gets raked for 11 hits in 7 innings.

Loss #51- at Angels 10, Indians 5
Westbrook gets torched.

Loss #52- at Angels 7, Indians 5
Angels run away with 5 run fourth inning against Cliff Lee.

Loss #53- Twins 14, at Indians 6
Twins run away with 8th run fourth inning against CC Sabathia. Per Buster Olney, the reason this year's Indians remind him of the 05 World Champion White Sox....starting pitching.

Loss #54- Twins 3, at Indians 1
Indians strike out SEVENTEEN times. Yes, 10 of those were against Francisco Liriano, but 7 of them weren't.

Loss #55- Tigers 9, at Indians 7
Lee has nice 5 run first inning. At this point it's like an automatic loss every time he pitches. Ladies and gentleman, YOUR 2007 Cleveland Indians #2 starter (once he gets off the DL, that is.).

Loss #56- Tigers 4, at Indians 1
Sabathia not up to outdueling pre-dead arm Justin Verlander. Fat man slides to 7-7 on the season. I might be smoking dope but I am pretty sure the Sox had a guy who won 18 games last year against 7 losses. But stupid me, Sabathia is way better than him.

Loss #57- Mariners 3, at Indians 1
Westbrook pitches a real nice game against a team that can't hit. When the Mariners hold you to 1 run at home, I don't know what to tell you. As you'll notice, the Indians have totaled 10 runs in their last 4 losses. Anybody who watched the White Sox play from 2001-2004 can probably tell you why.

Loss #58- Mariners 7, at Indians 3
If I want one guy to pitch a big game against the Indians, I want that guy to be Joel Piniero.

Loss #59- at Red Sox 9, Indians 8
Big Papi hits a walkoff 3 run homer, causing ESPN to ejaculate all over themselves. This is the first major disaster of the "Fausto Carmona-Closer" era.

Loss #60- at Red Sox 6, Indians 5
Carmona serves up a game-losing 2 run double to Mark Loretta. Don't worry about this though, the Indians have that closer problem nailed down this year.

Loss #61- at Tigers 7, Indians 6
Bullpen implodes in 8th inning instead of 9th this time. Betancourt puts men on, and Fernando Cabrera gets them off via the home run.

Loss #62- at Tigers 4, Indians 3
Carmona again.

Loss #63- at Tigers 1, Indians 0
7 scoreless innings by Sabathia wasted. Wilfredo Ledezma, Jason Grilli, and Pete Walker proves to be unsolvable riddle. It should be noted that the Indians are 27 1/2 games out of first place at this point. I mean, my God.

Loss #64- Angels 5, at Indians 4
Indians get caught napping on a double steal in 8th inning, setting up game winning single off Betancourt.

Loss #65- at Twins 4, Indians 1
Santana dismisses Tribe. If I squint really hard I can almost see Jerry Manuel sitting in the Indians' dugout.

Loss #66- at Twins 7, Indians 2
You may as well just pack up the bats when Carlos Silva has his A-game.

Loss #67- at Devil Rays 6, Indians 5
When you're trotting out 32 year old rookies (Brian Sikorski) to try and close a game for you, something is wrong. Sikorski coughs up a 5-3 lead in the ninth inning.

Loss #68- at Royals 5, Indians 2
Pretty much everyone goes 1 for 4.

Loss #69- Tigers 7, at Indians 1
Lee doesn't give Indians a chance.

Loss #70- at Rangers 5, Indians 2
At this point it's September and the Tribe are rolling out a 4A lineup, so whatever.

Loss #71- at Blue Jays 4, Indians 3
Meh outing from CC and Indians can pretty much only score on solo home runs in this game because they draw only 2 walks against 10 K's.

Loss #72- at Blue Jays 3, Indians 2
Ted Lilly shows why the Cubs paid him 100 trillion dollars.

Loss #73- at White Sox 7, Indians 6
Indians get 3 in the ninth off Jenks, then pull drunk guy out of Bullpen Bar to cough up lead in bottom half.

Loss #74- at White Sox 10, Indians 8
Fausto Carmona starts this game. The Indians scored 7 runs in the 7th inning and were still losing by 2, so that should tell you how he did. Don't forget, he's opening the season as the #5 for YOUR Cleveland Indians.

Loss #75- Royals 5, at Indians 3
Sowers gives up 4 runs in 5 innings. Ladies and Gentlemen. Every starting pitcher the Indians make is exactly the same except for CC Sabathia, just sooo average, they're like the Stepford Rotation.

Loss #76- Royals 6, at Indians 2
I think Westbrook gives up more than 10 hits more times out than not.

Loss #77- Twins 9, at Indians 4
The Indians used NINE pitchers in this game. I imagine if Tony LaRussa were to manage a game drunk it would be something like this.

Loss #78- Twins 4, at Indians 1
There is no known cure for Carlos Silva!!

Loss #79- Twins 6, at Indians 1
I will take this opportunity to mention that new third baseman Andy Marte cannot hit major league pitching at this point in his life. Every boxscore I look at here he's like 0 for 3, 1 for 4 .

Loss #80- at A's 7, Indians 3
Cliff Lee gives another solidly mediocre performance.

Loss #81- at A's 4, Indians 3
Carmona actually pitched 6 really good innings here, but this one's another bullpen loss.

Loss #82- at A's 7, Indians 4
Sabathia gives up 7 runs in 5 1/3. He's now 11-11. If that isn't a bona fide ace I don't know what is.

Loss #83- at Rangers 12, Indians 4
I find this game notable because Nick Masset pitched the final inning, and struck out Grady Sizemore and Casey Blake. I KNOW that Kenny Williams knows this.

Here the Indians catch FIYAH!!! They have their best stretch of the season and win 8 of 9 to close out the year. I will footnote this though, by saying that 4 of those 8 wins came against a D-Rays team that went 3-33 on the road after July 1. Seriously, 3-33, I looked it up.

The Indians did lose one more game though:

Loss #84- at White Sox 2, Indians 1
Both teams had called it quits by this point, and this game was called after 8 innings. Brandon McCarthy struck out 8 in what proved to be his finaly White Sox appearance.

So there you have it. THAT's how the Indians lost 84 games. Their bullpen sucked and their rotation wasn't good enough to mask that. The bullpen still sucks, possibly more so even, and the Indians are still pretending that CC Sabathia is an ace and Cliff Lee and Jake Westbrook are anything more than 4th or 5th starters on a contender. I keep reading stuff like "Oh their Pythagorean run differential says they should have won a lot more games last year".

Well, no, they shouldn't have.

They had plenty of chances to win a lot more games last year, but they couldn't find anyone that could get anyone out in the 7th thru 9th innings, so they didn't. If Sabathia, Lee, Westbrook, and Byrd could have pitched well enough so those games weren't close to being with, maybe it wouldn't have mattered as much. But they kept both teams in the game, and set the Indians up to lose in the late innings. I don't see how any of that's going to change this year.