Week 4 Picks

Don't have time to watch 6 hours of football today? You don't have to, I already know what's going to happen.


EARLY GAMES
(1-2) LIONS AT (2-1) BEARS
I've been hearing all week about how "These aren't last year's Lions", and dur dee dur dee dur, The Lions are 20th or worse in Y/A, which is my Holy Grail of all stats, in both running and passing on both offense and defense. They are still horrible. Bears win easily, Jay Cutler has a big day.
BEARS 34, LIONS 16


(2-1) BENGALS AT (0-3) BROWNS
This is a vintage year for awful teams. The Browns are one of them. You've also got the Rams and Chiefs. These are 3 of the worst teams of the last 25 years, all playing in the same magical point in time. Cedric Benson is going to rush for 300 yards this week. Let's celebrate by playing his theme song. Enjoy having this in your head for the next 4 days.



BENGALS 20, BROWNS 10

(1-2) RAIDERS AT (1-2) TEXANS
This is how great a year this is for horrible teams, the Raiders have an offense that could not score two touchdowns in a game f they were playing 11 on 7, and a QB whose weight is almost higher than his completion percentage, and they STILL are not one of the 3 worst teams in the league, maybe not even one of the 5 worst. Shit, they may even win on the road today, because the Texans, like Colonel Sanders, do only one thing and do it well, throw the ball, which, unhappily for them, matches up poorly with the Raiders' superpower of having a mediocre ability to stop the pass. I still can't pick the Raiders. Not with JaMarcus Russell out there.
TEXANS 20, RAIDERS 13

(1-2) SEAHAWKS AT (3-0) COLTS
Every year the Seahawks are rendered a hopeless cause after Matt Hasselbeck gets hurt, and every year they fail to get a decent backup quarterback. I call this Marc Bulger Syndrome.
COLTS 30, SEAHAWKS 13

(0-3) TITANS AT (1-2) JAGUARS
If the Titans lose this game, they are officially in the "Keep Fucking That Chicken" phase of their season after 4 games, which is as soon as you can mathematically reach that stage. Every meathead studio show ever made says that the 2 keys to winning in the NFL are stopping the run and running the ball effectively. The Titans are 2nd in the league in yards per rushing attempt, and 1st in the league in rushing yards against per attempt, and they're 0-3, so explain that to me Brian Baldinger. They're too good to be 0-4.
TITANS 17, JAGS 16

(3-0) GIANTS AT (0-3) CHIEFS
The Chiefs make the Browns look like the 07 Patriots.
GIANTS 37, CHIEFS 10

(3-0) RAVENS AT (2-1) PATRIOTS
Here's the Game of the Day. Which isn't saying a whole lot when you look at some of these other Bow Wow matchups. I know the Ravens are good but I really don't know how good, because 2 of their 3 games have been against the Browns and Chiefs, and the other one was against the Chargers, who everyone knows don't start playing for real until Thanksgiving. The Patriots look like they are locking it down into 2001-2004 mode, where they look unspectacular but just play football better than the other team and win games, and you know, that's when they won their Super Bowls after all.
PATRIOTS 24, RAVENS 20


(0-3) BUCS AT (1-2) REDSKINS
I would rather watch a Sarah Jessica Parker sex tape on a continuous loop than watch 5 minutes of this.
REDSKINS 19, BUCS 10

LATE GAMES
(1-2) BILLS AT (0-3) DOLPHINS
Hmm..here's another 0-3 team that runs the ball well and stops the run, and is in the top 10 in both offensive and defensive yards/rush. Which means that they can't throw the ball and their pass defense is made out of meringue. TO is going to catch a pass today. He's going to catch a lot of them.
BILLS 27, DOLPHINS 17

(2-1) CHARGERS AT (1-2) STEELERS
A desperate Steelers team at home against a Chargers squad that has proven over the years to have the killer instinct of a koala bear. I think I know who I'm picking here.
STEELERS 20, CHARGERS 17

(2-1) COWBOYS AT (3-0) BRONCOS
The Broncos are a complete mystery to me. I know they are better than the Browns and the Raiders, but all that means is they might be the 30th best team in the league. I'm going to go ahead and drink the Josh McDaniels Kool Aid anyway.
BRONCOS 23, COWBOYS 17

(3-0) JETS AT (3-0) SAINTS
Ahh, the main event of the day. The unstoppable force of the Saints offense meets the gleaming white overbite of Rex Ryan's defense. It's still early in the season, so in an offense vs. defense matchup I will take the team with the great offense 11 times out of 10. If these teams met in January in New Jersey, maybe a different story.
SAINTS 30, JETS 17

(0-3) RAMS AT (2-1) 49ERS
Remember last year when the Rams pulled 2 wins in a row out of their ass, Donnie Avery had like 300 receiving yards in those 2 games, then the Rams and Avery went right back to being as horrible as ever? What was that all about?
49ERS 27, RAMS 3