LMAO @ NFL

I'm not going to give a mock draft because I'm not going to pretend I know all these players. But I DO know that drafting QBs early in the draft usually is pretty stupid. You have to pay them a LOT of money because of how early draft is, and yet ideally you would want to train the fool for 2-3 years but you CAN'T because you're paying waaaaay too much so you end up getting uhhhh the Raiders.

Since all the GOOD QBs decided to use another year, Mark Sanchez is now the hottest thing in the universe. Seattle wants him. Denver wants him. Washington wants him. Here's shit you may have forgotten: he played well in the beginning and end of the year, but mainly had the record they had because their defense had to bail out a Mark Sanchez-ran USC offense. He sucks. Back when I was writing for another site, I told everyone and their MOM that Vince Young SUCKS. I was told that I'm an idiot. He took out USC by himself. BLAH BLAH WELL I WAS FUCKING RIGHT. I'm telling you right now, Mark Sanchez sucks. If Sanchez stayed a year and came out next year, he would be the 6th best QB. HAVE FUN WITH THIS GUY.

Meanwhile, Matt Stafford is signing with the Lions for $41.7 million. AAA. AAAAA. AAAAAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

Nicky P is usually better at draft evaluation than I am, but I'm going to tell you exactly what's going to transpire during the NFL Draft.

For Sure

-Patriots will draft well
-Raiders will draft poorly

HAVE FUN.

Madden, College Football, Champions

The butt of many impersonators and my favorite show, Family Guy, John Madden retires from broadcasting. What a terrible day in sports.

"It's time. I'm 73 years old. My 50th wedding anniversary is this fall," Madden said. "I have two great sons and their families and my five grandchildren are at an age now when they know when I'm home and, more importantly, when I'm not." -ESPN

Here's a guy leaving on his own terms for the best reasons. He just wants to be around his grandchildren before he dies. He just wants to enjoy life while he's still able to do shit. I looked forward to all his games because he was hilarious and made watching even the shittiest games exciting. I know what my critics would say about Madden: "LOLLERCOPTER, PATRICK. HE REALLY JUST STATED THE OBVIOUS, COULDN'T GET NAMES RIGHT, AND WANTED TO DO BRETT FARVE. LOLLERSKATES, PATTY! HE RETIRED BECAUSE BRETT FARVE DID." Sometimes Madden had to state the obvious because there are 28% of the population that still believed George W. Bush was doing a good job and that it was unamerican not to believe so. Sometimes he got names wrong because he's been doing this shit for 30 years. HAVE YOU EVER DONE SHIT RIGHT FOR 30 YEARS? Have you done ANYTHING for 30 years? And as for him retiring because Brett did? Alright, I'll give you that one. Thanks for the 30 years of hilarity, John Madden. BOOM!

College Football

Duke PG Greg Paulis is trying to hook with Rich Rodriguez at Michigan to be the STARTING QB there. WOWWWWWWW. The Green Bay Packers are letting him workout in front of them before the NFL Draft. Apparently, this dude used to be pretty good as a QB in high school. Since he knew he wasn't going to bank in the NBA, he's exploring his option as a QB. You know the hilarious part? Duke's football head coach David Cutcliffe won't even consider Paulis as QB (only as WR, W-T-F?). YOUR PROGRAM SUCKS ASS AND PRO TEAMS ARE LOOKING AT SOMEONE THAT GOES TO YOUR SCHOOL. NICE FUCKING JOB. Epic fail for that dumbass.

Charlie Weis discussed leaving Notre Dame with his family because...he sucks ass.

"Like anyone who has a situation that is uncertain, as any husband and father would do, you address it with your wife and you address it with your kids," Weis said Wednesday after practice. "But does that mean that at any time that I thought that I wasn't going to be here? When you're around a long time in this business, what you learn is you have to deal with the negatives. You just have to have a plan just in case they end up happening." -ESPN

Leave now before they fire you. You really suck ass. You lowered the talent there AND the high academic standards required to go there. You barely make bowl games just to lose. Hang it up fatty before you blow another knee.

Champions League

WELL WELL WELL. 3 ENGLISH TEAMS AND 1 LA LIGA TEAM LEFT.

I watched Chelsea/Liverpool at the bar and it was apeshit crazy. 4-4 is just too motherfucking stressful for me. Chelsea goalie Cech REALLY REALLY sucks ass right now. But in a possible preview for the Champions League final, the Blues play Arsenal this weekend for FA. We're fucked.

Arsenal and Manchester United did what they had to do 3-0 and 1-0 respectively. Arsenal is playing like Barca while Man U isn't playing well and still winning because of the talent on their roster. Where does Patrick N see this final going? Barca is just TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOOD. Arsenal and Man U is hard to guess because it'll depend on their form at the end of April. If it was now I'd say Arsenal, but Arsenal's a young team which means they be streaky, and Man U will eventually hit their stride again. If I were to guess, the final should be Arsenal/Barca which will be pretty freakin' awesome.

Finally, to all those teabaggers that are crying about taxes, 1) these are the same people that said it was unamerican to disagree with anything Bush does and 2) are all rich people because the only taxes that were raised were on people that made more than 250,000. Obama's family made 2.1 million last year and had to pay 800k in taxes and you don't see him cry. Me? I DON'T MAKE 250,000 so I got a bunch of money back. EAT SHIT TEABAGGERS. BTW YOU STUPID SHITS:

teabag

v. To dunk ones scrotum into the open mouth of another person
"Man, Brenda was all passed out with her mouth open and Billy teabagged her"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA RICH PEOPLE GOT TEABAGGED. I'M NOT EVEN SAD ABOUT THAT SHIT. ENJOY YOUR TEA PARTY. DON'T FALL ASLEEP MOTHERFUCKERS.

Weekend Post

Off topic a bit, but some of you know of the captain that was hostage to some Somalian pirates. They were negotiating his release:

The waiting ended Sunday with news that U.S. Navy snipers had shot and killed three of Phillips' captors, with the fourth pirate in custody onboard the nearby USS Bainbridge, and that Phillips had been rescued uninjured. -CNN

THAT'S HOW THE FUCK AMERICA NEGOTIATES. Anyone else want to kidnap our motherfuckers? Because not only do we not negotiate with terrorists, we'll straight up Man on Fire your ass with snipers.

FMF

Club America just lost it's striker and only player, Salvador Cabanas right as he scores his hat trick to tie the game against Indios. THEIR SEASON IS OVER. I GIVE UP. NO MORE COVERAGE ABOUT MEXICAN SOCCER.

La Liga

For the last 11 matches, Real Madrid is 10-0-1. Here's the funny part: REAL MADRID STILL HAS NO CHANCE TO CATCH BARCA. Barca is going to win Champions and League while Ronaldinho holds his dick in AC Milan.

NFL Draft

ESPN reported that Mark Sanchez will not attend NFL Draft day. That's pretty smart because he's going to end up like Aaron Rodgers on draft day holding his dick while teams pass him over.

Here's one thing that annoys me: hypocracy. The Eagles are trying to get Ocho Cinco, which is just a shittier, crazier version of Terrell Owens. Colin Cowherd tries to justify this by saying that Ocho Cinco "already has better chemistry with the team" because he's friends with McNabb and Westbrook gave his blessing. SOUNDS LIKE THE SAME FUCKING STORY WHEN TO WAS COMING OVER. Fuck all you assholes. Either like the type that Ocho Cinco, Joe Horn, and TO is, or don't like them. But don't try to qualify that shit.

MLS "Superclassico" POS

Galaxy vs. Chivas is the showcase match up in the MLS. I just watched this shit and here are some stats that suck my ass:

23 fouls

6 yellow cards

3 red cards

0-0 match.

Lalas (ex GM of Galaxy): I loved this game. It was everything a superclassico should be.

THIS IS WHY YOU GOT FIRED YOU PIECE OF SHIT. Ref obviously thought he was trying to make himself famous but forgot it wasn't the World Cup.

Want a recap of the "showcase" match up? Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul. Red. Galaxy all offense and Chivas all defense because of man adv. Foul. Red. 10 on 10 air ping pong. Break away goal attempt by Chivas but the Galaxy player pulled the guy down. Straight red. Galaxy all d Chivas all O because they have 10 on 9. MOTHERFUCKING BORING. This was after I was at the English bar singing about Tevez: "THERE'S ONLY ONE UGLY BETTY." MLS sucks ass.

Dear Oli Porter:

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAFUCKYOUMOTHERFUCKER

Dude gets fired for Facebook comment

Straight up if you say something on the internet, you can get fired no matter how much you love a company. Those that know my writing history know I know how much this is true that sometimes you care for something so much that even though you lash out emotionally, administration can be stupid and fired you. For those that don't know the story, here's what's up:

[Dan] Leone lost his part-time job as game day west gate chief at Lincoln Financial Field when, following Dawkins' signing, he posted the following message: "Dan is [expletive] devastated about Dawkins signing with Denver ... Dam Eagles R Retarted!!" He deleted the comment, but the team fired him over the phone days later. -ESPN

Brian Dawkins later gave him his two free tickets to an Eagles game understanding that he commented out of an emotional love for his team and how much Leone appreciated Dawkins contributions.

The Eagles organization needs to fail. You're going to fire a guy for caring. The guy deleted the comment later and still got fired for it. Straight up, the internet is not a safe place for freedom of speech. I already hear the arguments against me now: "LOLLERSKATES, PATRICK. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY WHAT YOU WANT BUT THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO FIRE YOU FOR IT. I ALSO HAVE HERPES."

There are three types of employees: 1) ones who play politics to stay in his job, 2) one who skates by not doing anything more than required, and 3) guy who is emotionally attached to his job. The guy who ALWAYS gets in trouble and usually fired is #3 which we all know is actually the wrong guy to fire because he cares for the company's survival the MOST. GUESS WHAT YOU LOLLERSKATING FOOLS, YOU FIRED THE WRONG GUY. Enjoy your shit team you blowjobs!

Cutler Traded To Bears

And the "winner" of the Jay Cutler sweepstakes is.....the Chicago Bears.


Jay Cutler was traded to the Bears today for Kyle Orton, and the Bears first round draft pick this year and next year, and their third round pick this year.

Reaction here in Chicago is somewhere in the neighborhood of having a direct morphine injection, administered by Jesus, with Adriana Lima standing by as nurse, topless.

Of course, I see things differently.

Jay Cutler is not going to get any better playing for the Chicago Bears. This is the worst possible team he could have gone to. Seriously, at least if he got traded to the Lions, he would have had Calvin Johnson to throw to. The Bears have....nobody.

This is a team that knows one way to play football, hand the ball off and throw 3 yards passes. They've been doing it that way for 80 years. Every player on their roster is on it because they fit that type of system. That's what they are built for. If they throw it 40 times a game, with this roster, they are going to suck, it doesn't matter who is the one doing the throwing. Yes, you can change the roster over the next couple of years to be something more built to suit Cutler, but lotsa luck doing that with no first round draft choices this year or next year.

So, after he's had 4 or 5 passes clank off of Rashied Davis' hands in the season opener, and had another 3 or 4 balls bounce harmlessly off the spot of grass where Devin Hester was supposed to be, Cutler is going to feel some frustration. How will Cutler deal with that? Well, Jay Cutler has shown us this offseason how he deals with adversity, which is to say that he will probably deal with it like one of the sextuplets on Jon and Kate Plus 8 would. All reports are that he is a prick of epic proportions. Quarterbacks that win Super Bowls are grown-ass men, and Jay Cutler is not that. He may be one day, but he isn't now.

Jay Cutler is probably going to have a very long and pretty good career in the NFL. Jay Cutler's career path, as I rub my crystal ball, looks to me like it's going to be a lot like that of Kerry Collins.

Kerry Collins had all the physical gifts Cutler has, plus a couple inches of height. In his second NFL season, he took an expansion team in its second year of existence to the NFC Championship game. Cutler's been in the league 3 years and hasn't been to the playoffs, and he has not been playing for an expansion team.






Collins, though, was immature, and wasn't what you would call Mr. Personality. His issues manifested in the form of a drinking problem, which Cutler doesn't have, but the end result was the same, that the team who once thought he would be their QB for life couldn't wait to get rid of him.




Collins hit rock bottom, but then, he grew up. He got his shit together, and he went to a Super Bowl.




He's had some ups and downs since then, but here he is near 40 years old, and he just got a new contract and is one of the better QBs in the league.



Now, is Cutler's redemption going to happen on a team that has no NFL quality wide receivers, now has no first round draft picks until 2011 to get any wide receivers, and now has a head coach and offensive coordinator that now seem a lot like big rig drivers expected to now drive a Formula 1 car (and will probably both be fired if they can't figure it out right away)? No. It won't. For the reasons I talked about earlier, Chicago is the least likely place for good things to happen for him.

Jay Cutler, one day, will probably figure it out. He'll probably grow up. He may even play in and may even win a Super Bowl. Probably when he's 33 or 34. He's 26 now, so you can do the math. When it does happen for him, he ain't going to be wearing no Bears uniform.


....AAAAND SOME FUTBOL NEWS


- Sven Goran Eriksson is out as coach of Mexico's national team. Sven used to be the English national coach, but after a ridiculous 3-1 loss to Honduras in World Cup qualifying this week, he's now nobody's coach.

- The Premier League title is very much up for grabs. Manchester United has dropped its last 6 points, and Liverpool has closed to within a single point of the leaders. They do have a match in hand, but it looks like this one is going to go down to the wire.

- Europe has another exciting league race in Germany. Hertha Berlin leads, but there are 3 teams just a point behind. Bayern Munich is among those, and they get their star striker Luca Toni back from injury this weekend. In the other 2 big leagues, Barca and Inter Milan look to be safely ensconced in the top spot in Spain and Italy respectively.

MLS WEEK 2

- The league's new boys, Seattle Sounders FC, are now 2-0 after a 2-0 win over Real Salt Lake. Colombia's Fredy Montero scored his 3rd goal in 2 matches.

- Chivas USA is the league's only other unbeaten team. They are now 2-0 after a 2-0 win at FC Dallas.

- Patrick Nyarko, from Virginia Tech and Ghana, scored in the 53rd minute to give Chicago a 1-1 draw at DC United.

- Jamaican national team player Omar Cummings scored the winning goal in the 74th minute to give Colorado their first points of the season in a 2-1 win over Kansas City. The Wizards are now 0-2. The rule is, no matter what sport you are in, if your team is called the "Wizards", you are bad, and you deserve to be.

- The defending champion Columbus Crew are off to a slow start. Their 1-1 tie against Toronto last weekend puts them at 0-0-2 on the young season.

- New England got a late goal from Kenny Mansally, signed off of Gambia's U-20 World Cup team, to salvage a 1-1 with Red Bull NY. The Revs are in a 3 way tie for the top spot in the Eastern Conference with Chicago and Toronto.