Premiership Week 2

Guess what? I got married yesterday. It is actually harder to type with this giant tungsten ring on my finger. I leave for Hawaii for our 2 week honeymoon tomorrow morning. I would like to be excited, but honestly right now I feel as if all the blood has been drained from my body.

I took mental notes all throughout the day though, and after I've regained my strength this week I will give a blow by blow account of the weekend. It was actually pretty awesome.

That said, open wide for some soccerrrrrr!!

BLACKBURN 1, HULL CITY 1
How bout them "Tigers"? 2 matches ever in the Premiership, and they are still unbeaten, this time getting an impressive draw against the team that is the early leader in the running to be the team I throw my support behind this year, Blackburn Rovers. Hull striker Richard Garcia headed in the equaliser a minute after Rovers' Jason Roberts opened the scoring.

LIVERPOOL 2, MIDDLESBROUGH 1
The Reds were down 1-0 in the 86th minute, and in danger of losing at home to Boro for the first time since 1976. But there's a reason Liverpool are who they are, and Boro is who they are. Boro broke down in the waning moments of the game, giving up an own goal to tie it at 1, then losing it when Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard blasted one home from the edge of the penalty area in injury time. Liverpool is now alone with Chelsea as the only teams to take all 6 points in the first two weeks.

NEWCASTLE 1, BOLTON 0
Michael Owen I shit you not was battling the mumps recently. The mumps. Is this still common in England? Should he feel lucky it wasn't the plague? He shook off those mumps to score the loan goal as Newcastle remains unbeaten, but not untied. Castle's keeper Shay Given saved a penalty kick to maintain the clean sheet.

STOKE CITY 3, ASTON VILLA 2
Get Stoked everyone! One of the Premiership newcomers picked up their first W when Mamady "Big Mama" Sidibe headed in a throw-in in the 90th minute for the final goal in a match where each side traded goals the entire time. The throw came from Stoke's Rory Delap, who apparently is very skilled at this art, as Villa's coach bemoaned his side's inability to cope with Delap's well-known throw-in skills. Whatever. That's like a team that loses to the Bears saying they weren't prepared to deal with Kyle Orton's handing off skills.

SUNDERLAND 2, TOTTENHAM 1
Sweet sassy molassey Patrick, you really know how to give a team the kiss of death. Losing at home to Sunderland? Has anyone ever done that? OH get the fuck out, they did NOT get Jimmy Page for the Olympic closing ceremonies. ZEPPELIN RULES!! The winning goal for Sunderland was scored by Djibril Cisse, who is on loan from France's Olympique Marseille. That's pretty interesting how you can loan players in soccer. It would be cool if a stacked MLB team could say, loan some prospects to the Pittsburgh Pirates or KC Royals to get them major league experience and maybe make those perennial piece o shit franchises more competitive. Look into it, Count Budula.

EVERTON 2, WEST BROM 1
The Toffees pick up a rich, buttery, away win over a team that's going to be fighting the good fight to avoid relegation all year long. Ayegbeni Yakubu goes Ayegbooya for the gamewinner, his second goal of the year.

FULHAM 1, ARSENAL 0
There was no traditional match quote on the EPL website from Fulham's manager after this game, because I think he was in a state of catatonic shock at the outcome of this match. Arsenal looked like ass in their season opening 1-0 win over West Brom, and really looked bad in losing this one to doormat Fulham.

CHELSEA 1, WIGAN 0
Nobody has had a bigger impact on their new club than Deco...Deco...Deco!! He scored his second goal in as many games as a member of Chelsea, tallying in the 3rd minute for the match's only score as Chelsea hung on for an away win over perenially plucky Wigan. Wigan's pluckiness has been good for 0 points so far.

MANCHESTER CITY 3, WEST HAM 0
MCFC rebounds from an embarrassing defensive performance in their opener against Villa to get revenge in the form of a shutout against the team whose uniforms look exactly like Villa's. So they must feel kind of vindicated by that. Two goals for City's Elano (Brazilian-one name only). Hammers' manager Alan Curbishley says, "I am desperately disappointed for our fans." Dude, relax, put down that glass of Drano. It'll be OK. Get 'em next week.

MONDAY- PORTSMOUTH VS. MANCHESTER UNITED
If Man U goes the first 2 weeks of the season without a win, their fans are going to burn down the freaking observatory I tells ya. Pompey got throttled 4-0 by Chelsea in their opener, so they kind of need to get their shit together no?

STANDINGS
6 POINTS
Chelsea, Liverpool

4 POINTS
Blackburn, Hull City, Newcastle

1 POINT
Manchester United

0 POINTS
Tottenham, West Brom, Wigan, Portsmouth

Everyone else has 3 points yo.

Alright then. My next post will be from Maui, and it will be first in a series where I wrap up the exhibition seasons of all your favorite NFL squads, starting with the AFC West.