What's this you say? A weekly update on the Premiership? Oh, it's true.
The Premiership has an Official Website, and I think all it needs for it to be a great website on a par with say NFL.com is for a cataclysmic electromagnetic disturbance to occur, making it 1996 again. Given the unlikelihood of that, I think you're all better off coming here to find out what went on in Merry Old England over the weekend.
It won't be as in depth or as pithy as my NFL stuff, but I will do my best yes?
So here we go.
ARSENAL 1, WEST BROM 0
Albion is one of the 3 squads that are new to the Premiership this year, and were expected to be thumped on the road by mighty Arsenal in the season opener.
That didn't happen, but Arsenal did get their 3 points. New acquisition Samir Nasri (signed from Marseille) scored in the 4th minute, and the Gunners hung on for a workmanlike 1-0 victory. Samir now may get some conjugal visits. Back up in your ass with the resurrection. That's Office Space, people.
Kind of a droopy beginning of the season for Arsenal, but they did have a Champions League match against Holland's Twente earlier in the week. So we'll chalk it up to them being tired.
Good news for Arsenal, they locked up their star forward, Emanuel Adebayor, to a long term deal this week, so he'll be around for a while.
BOLTON 3, STOKE CITY 1
Stoke City goes by the name "The Potters". Bolton Wanderers took them to Hogwarts in a big way in the Potters first top flight game since 1985. Stoke City held the game scoreless for the first half hour, but Bolton defenseman Gretar Steinsson opened the scoring, and the Wanderers never looked back for a win in front of the home crowd.
BLACKBURN 3, EVERTON 2
Rovers have a new manager this year, former Man U stalwart Paul Ince. This was Ince's first game as a Premiership manager, and the result was an upset win at one of the better clubs in the league.
The match was an entertaining see-saw affair. Rovers took an early lead when David Dunn scored in the 22nd minute. Everton equalized in the 45th minute, and took the lead in the 64th minute on a header by Ayegbeni Yakubu. That lead lasted only a minute though, as Roque Santa Cruz evened things up at 2. Then, in extra time, Rovers defender Andre Oojer emerged from a scramble after a free kick to tap home a stunning game winner.
Everton's manager David Moyes summed up his disgust by telling reporters after the game, "We gave away a daft free kick for their winner." He then said, "CROWN THEIR ASS." Only I think he said "ARSE" instead, because this is English football after all.
HULL CITY 2, FULHAM 1
This was "The Tigers" (Hull City's logo has their nickname in quotation marks. I suppose this is so we know this is just a nickname and that they are not actual tigers.) first game ever at the top level of English Football, and dangnabbit, they WON.
Fulham, feel shame. Hang those heads. Lower. You got rid of my fellow Arlington Heights, IL native Brian McBride, your former captain, now you are dead to me.
MIDDLESBOROUGH 2, TOTTENHAM 1
Patrick, your quatrains have been rendered inaccurate. You feel shame too.
WEST HAM 2, WIGAN 1
The way my Saturday unfolded, this was the one game I would actually have time to watch. Given it was opening weekend and all, I was kind of pumped. Then West Ham scored twice in the first ten minutes and that was the end of that. I turned on the Olympics and watched an American guy swordfight against a French guy, both wearing robot costumes. 2 goals for the Hammers Dean Ashton. I guess Wigan came back and made a game of it later, but whatever.
LIVERPOOL 1, SUNDERLAND 0
First, Liverpool slogs to a 0-0 draw against some Belgian team in the Champions League last week, then they play footsy for 80 minutes with B-listers Sunderland before finally getting a goal to win. I am non-plussed.
CHELSEA 4, PORTSMOUTH 0
Chelsea got the word from Putin that Russia is going to start crushing everyone so Russia's team better do the same. This is what is called delivering a message. Goals for Cole, Lampard, Anelka, and in his first English game after coming over from Barca, Deco. One more goal and Deco will have as many as he scored for Barca in La Liga play in the last 2 seasons combined. I guess he's still considered good though. OK, I guess I'll take your word for it.
ASTON VILLA 4, MANCHESTER CITY 2
Not just a hat trick for Villa's Gabriel Agbonlahor, but what's called a "perfect hat trick". A perfect hat trick is when you score with your right foot, your left foot, and your head. I'm not going to get into what you have to score the 4th goal with in order to get a "perfect golden sombrero".
MANCHESTER UNITED 1, NEWCASTLE UNITED 1
Darren Fletcher's goal vaporized a short-lived 1-0 lead for Newcastle, as the defending champions of all Europe get a draw out of a lackluster Cristiano Ronaldo-less effort.