Monday, August 24, 2009

I hope the Dolphins win.

I was watching this documentary called "I Survived" about a show where people survive. I'm like, "This show is probably about a bunch of pussies that cry about barely surviving their experience with a cockroach or something." It mostly was, describing about a choke/rape victim and another being shot in the back of the head by air pirates and other pansy shit like that, but then I came across the most bad ass story ever.

This surfer was chilling with his homie to ride a big ass wave. Well, you can't get on a big ass wave unless you go far into the ocean. So this guy goes far into the ocean to get the big wave and is chilling on his board waiting for the big wave. Unfortunately, his ass looked like a seal and so a 16-ft shark decided to eat him.

The shark bit half of him and shook the shit out of him trying to tear his ass in half. This guy did what anyone would do in his situation: punch the shark in the eye. But that shit didn't work because this shark was on HGH. Of course, his pussy ass friend just sat on his board and watched because it's hos before bros. So, just when you think he better have written a will, the luckiest event in his life happened: a school of dolphins were cruising by him.

The dolphins were probably on their way to see "Inglorious Basterds" when they saw his ass in trouble and decided to help. So they're like, "Oh snap, let's help a fellow mammal out and shit," went into a 4-3 defense, and bottlenose-punched the shit out of the shark. You see, dolphins apparently have the propensity to help other animals in trouble. If it was a human seeing a seal or another dolphin getting attacked, our ass would be like, fuck that shit. Hell, in the SAME SHOW this chick got raped and asked her neighbors for help and they said they didn't want to get involved, then she walked down the street half naked with her 3-year old kid and asked a driver for help but she said she couldn't because she "had to go to work." We won't even help our own species. But this dolphin family risked their lives and had to catch a later showing of "Inglorious Basterds" and, since they have no teeth like a shark, just unloaded a bottlenose bukake all over the shark until the shark was like, "Man, fuck this. Imma go eat a starfish," and ran away. The man lived (barely) no thanks to the partner who, after the surfer was saved he begged the "friend" to help, tells the surfer, "Grab your board." His friend wasn't even cool enough to help him out. Get your board, bitch. I don't want blood on mine.

Since I'm from LA, we have no football team except USC, so I have to pick a new football team every year. I usually pick the Patriots because Belicheck's an asshole or the Cowboys because TO pisses everyone off, but this year I'm picking the Dolphins because they help other people. Also, dolphins walk on water. The only other mammal that could do that is Jesus. Besides, the prospect of seeing Chad Pennington get drilled while Ronnie Brown sits in the wildcat makes me laugh every time I think about it.


Nick Pomazak said...

last year on my honeymoon we went on a cruise on the napali coast off of kauai..and on the way back to the dock there was a fleet of about 5 dolphins swimming right next to the hull of the ship for about 20 minutes..they hauled ass and kept up with the was one of the most awesome things i have ever seen..

Anonymous said...

is it wrong that i see this picture and think.."menage e trois"