- Chad Ochocinco kicked what proved to be the game winning extra point in the Bengals 7-6 win over New England. I guess Shayne Graham’s groin hurt, so the Bengals answer to that was to have the #1 receiver kick in a preseason game, because I guess there is no risk of him hurting his groin. I don’t know, don’t ask, it’s the Bengals. Chris Henry continues to impress but you know he’s going to wind up in jail later this year so who cares.
- Peyton Manning completed 10 of 14 and threw scoring passes to Reggie Wayne and Anthony Gonzalez as the Colts regulars beat up on the Eagles regulars, then coasted to a 23-15 lead.
- The Cowboys opened their new stadium, and they’ve got a giant District 9 spaceship sized tv screen hanging about 50 feet over their field, and it keeps knocking down punts. It didn’t knock down any of Tony Romo’s passes though. Romo completed 18 of 24 for 192 yards. Don’t worry though, by December he’ll be completely useless.
- Atlanta’s offense looked awesome against the Rams. Atlanta’s offense looked awesome, against the Rams. See how a comma can change the entire meaning and context of a sentence? Matt Ryan completed 7 of 8 and threw a TD to Tony Gonzalez, and Michael Turner ran all over the place. Falcons win 20-13.
- Brett Favre’s signing has lit an unquenchable fire under Tarvaris Jackson. While Favre had an unremarkable Viking debut, Tarv completeted 12 of 15 for 202 yards and 2 TDs. Dwayne Bowe caught a TD pass from Matt Cassel, Vikings beat Chiefs to avenge Super Bowl IV, 17-13. Joe Kapp, consider yourself avenged.
- D’Angelo Williams had a highlight film TD run in the Panthers 27-17 loss to Miami.
Apparently the Dolphins don’t know that you can also tackle the runner instead of just trying to rip the ball out of his hands.
- I've been reading my PDF copy of 2009 Pro Football Almanac, and they project Matt Stafford out to be horrible. After his 5 for 14 in the Lions 27-10 loss to the Browns I am not gonna argue. Joshua Cribbs opened the game with a 95 yard kickoff return TD, and rookie James Davis rushed for 116 yards for Cleveland. Derek Anderson took the lead in a QB competition with Brady Quinn in which the only winners are AFC North defenses.
- Former Mizzou QB Chase Daniel acquitted himself well, throwing 2 TD passes to lead the Redskins reserves to a 17-13 win over the Steelers. Redskins rookie D lineman Brian Orakpo had a nice game as well. Jason Campbell went 1 for 7. This isn't going to work out for him, is it?
- Former TOP 10 draft pick Troy Williamson, who is now trying to catch on with Jags after being cut by the Vikings, caught 3 passes for 147 yards in Tampa's 24-23 win over Jacksonville. Byron Leftwich is now considered the front runner to be the Bucs QB, which means if you are a Bucs fan, you may want to take the year off.
- The Bills' first team offense managed 18 yards of total offense in the first half of a a 31-21 loss to the Packers, so they have to feel good about that.
- Former Bronco Mike Bell ran for 100 yards in the Saints 38-14 win over Houston.
- Oh, the Jay Cutler nipple rubbing is at a fever pitch here in Chicago. He completed a superhuman 61% of his passes and threw a touchdown pass in the Bears 17-3 win over the Giants. The only question that really remains about him is does Dan Marino look like a pile of puke next to him, or a pile of poop?
- I know the Niners have Frank Gore, but man I'll be jiggered if rookie Glen Coffee is not tearing it up in preseason and looking like a really good sleeper pick. He carried 16 times for 129 yards in the Niners 21-20 win over Oakland. Coffee's percolating performance offset the lukewarm bitter taste of "quarterbacks" Alex Smith and Shaun Hill, who went 6 of 16 for 50 yards, and reaffirmed that there are no good options in this competition.
- The Chargers and Philip Rivers had their way with Arizona's defense in a 17-6 Charger win. Rivers and Billy Volek completed 11 of 14 pass attempts. Kurt Warner was a little erratic.
- Denver lost 27-13 to the Seahawks, who got a pair of TD passes from Matt Hasselbeck. Kyle Orton rebounded from an awful first performance in a Bronco uniform to a more agreeable level of mediocrity.
- And the Jets rewarded Mark Sanchez with the starting QB job after being dazzled by his 3 of 8 performance in a 24-23 loss to the Ravens. The Clown Prince of the Exhibition Season, David Clowney, caught another TD pass.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
I hope the Dolphins win.
I was watching this documentary called "I Survived" about a show where people survive. I'm like, "This show is probably about a bunch of pussies that cry about barely surviving their experience with a cockroach or something." It mostly was, describing about a choke/rape victim and another being shot in the back of the head by air pirates and other pansy shit like that, but then I came across the most bad ass story ever.
This surfer was chilling with his homie to ride a big ass wave. Well, you can't get on a big ass wave unless you go far into the ocean. So this guy goes far into the ocean to get the big wave and is chilling on his board waiting for the big wave. Unfortunately, his ass looked like a seal and so a 16-ft shark decided to eat him.
The shark bit half of him and shook the shit out of him trying to tear his ass in half. This guy did what anyone would do in his situation: punch the shark in the eye. But that shit didn't work because this shark was on HGH. Of course, his pussy ass friend just sat on his board and watched because it's hos before bros. So, just when you think he better have written a will, the luckiest event in his life happened: a school of dolphins were cruising by him.
The dolphins were probably on their way to see "Inglorious Basterds" when they saw his ass in trouble and decided to help. So they're like, "Oh snap, let's help a fellow mammal out and shit," went into a 4-3 defense, and bottlenose-punched the shit out of the shark. You see, dolphins apparently have the propensity to help other animals in trouble. If it was a human seeing a seal or another dolphin getting attacked, our ass would be like, fuck that shit. Hell, in the SAME SHOW this chick got raped and asked her neighbors for help and they said they didn't want to get involved, then she walked down the street half naked with her 3-year old kid and asked a driver for help but she said she couldn't because she "had to go to work." We won't even help our own species. But this dolphin family risked their lives and had to catch a later showing of "Inglorious Basterds" and, since they have no teeth like a shark, just unloaded a bottlenose bukake all over the shark until the shark was like, "Man, fuck this. Imma go eat a starfish," and ran away. The man lived (barely) no thanks to the partner who, after the surfer was saved he begged the "friend" to help, tells the surfer, "Grab your board." His friend wasn't even cool enough to help him out. Get your board, bitch. I don't want blood on mine.
Since I'm from LA, we have no football team except USC, so I have to pick a new football team every year. I usually pick the Patriots because Belicheck's an asshole or the Cowboys because TO pisses everyone off, but this year I'm picking the Dolphins because they help other people. Also, dolphins walk on water. The only other mammal that could do that is Jesus. Besides, the prospect of seeing Chad Pennington get drilled while Ronnie Brown sits in the wildcat makes me laugh every time I think about it.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
ugh..erm..uhh
So...uhh..Plaxico Burr...uhh he's in jail. Erm, Brett Farve...he changed teams and fucked Madden 10. Well...Manchester United lost! They..were..erm...terrible. Or uhh, fuck it, here are 10 random soccer and football facts that are more interesting than Man U, Plax, and Farve:
1. There was a 10 year old girl in 2001 who was a professional soccer commentator in Brazil.
2. Uruguay is a country between Argentina and Brazil winning 4 World Cups, but no one cares about them.
3. Soccer is called "football" in every continent except North America.
4. Most soccer players run around 7 miles per match.
5. In 1957, the Salisbury and District FA of Rhodesia officially approved the payment of £10 to hire a witch doctor. Salisbury had lost every match the previous season.
6. A referee at a friendly match in Brazil drew a revolver and shot dead a player who disputed a penalty decision. The referee escaped in horseback.
7. Everton used to play at Anfield.
8. Derived from the English game of rugby, American football was started in 1879 with rules instituted by Walter Camp, player and coach at Yale University.
9. The Chicago Bears hold the record for the most games finished in a tie over a single season with six ties (1932).
10. The average length of a player's career in the NFL is 3 ½ years.
1. There was a 10 year old girl in 2001 who was a professional soccer commentator in Brazil.
2. Uruguay is a country between Argentina and Brazil winning 4 World Cups, but no one cares about them.
3. Soccer is called "football" in every continent except North America.
4. Most soccer players run around 7 miles per match.
5. In 1957, the Salisbury and District FA of Rhodesia officially approved the payment of £10 to hire a witch doctor. Salisbury had lost every match the previous season.
6. A referee at a friendly match in Brazil drew a revolver and shot dead a player who disputed a penalty decision. The referee escaped in horseback.
7. Everton used to play at Anfield.
8. Derived from the English game of rugby, American football was started in 1879 with rules instituted by Walter Camp, player and coach at Yale University.
9. The Chicago Bears hold the record for the most games finished in a tie over a single season with six ties (1932).
10. The average length of a player's career in the NFL is 3 ½ years.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Lazy Man's Week 1 EPL Recap
- Everton gets completely clowned by Arsenal
- Man City's fancy new forward scores early
- Wigan ambush at Villa Park
- Liverpool's season over
More Week 1 Preseason
- Mark "Dirty" Sanchez made his preseason debut this weekend, and looked more like Carson Palmer before he got hurt than Matt Leinart. Sanchez completed 3 of 4 pass attempts for 88 yards, including a nice 43 yard hookup to David Clowney. The Clown Prince of the Exhibition Season had 102 receiving yards and a TD. Rams QB Marc Bulger broke his finger in practice on Monday, and should probably be placed inside a plastic bubble for the rest of his career. With a hole big enough for him to throw the ball thru.
- Peyton Manning had a rough couple series, getting knocked around behind the Colts' pourous offensive line. Colts QBs were sacked 5 times as the Vikings came up with a 13-3 win. Colts 1st round running back Donald Brown had a nice debut, carrying 5 times for 58 yards. Sage Rosenfels has the early lead over Tarvaris Jackson in the race for the Brett Favre Loving Cup.
- Chris Henry and Chad O'Chocinco combined for 9 catches and 173 receiving yards, but the Bengals still could manage only 7 points in a 17-7 loss to New Orleans. Jeremy Shockey caught his first TD in a Saints uniform, but if you'll remember he was on the Saints last year too, and this TD doesn' t really count since it's preseason.
- Kyle Orton had a nice debut for the Broncos, getting picked off 3 times. Still, I saw an undaunted Orton supporter wearing an Orton Bears jersey while riding his motorcycle the next day. Rookie RB Glen Coffee, Frank Gore's new backup, had a nice debut, dark roasting the Broncos horrible defense for 67 yards on 14 carries. Niners win 17-16.
- The Lions continue their run of dominance in the preseason, as the defending 2008 Preseason Champs beat the Falcons 27-26. Matt Stafford completed 7 of 14 with a TD and an INT in his pro debut. Michael Turner had 63 yards on 6 carries and a TD for Atlanta.
- The intimidating ZIIIPPPPPPING noise of Jay Cutler's passes was not enough to help him do any better than completing 5 of 10 with 0 TDs and an INT as the Bears lost to TO-less Buffalo 27-20. Trent Edwards was a perfect 10 for 10, and the Bills completed 29 of 34 pass attempts against what looks like a not so good Bears defense. Bears 3rd string QB Brett Basanez was picked off 3 times.
- The Browns wore their Brown poo poo pants and played like poo poo, getting shut out by the Packers 17-0. Brady Quinn, Derek Anderson, and Brett Ratilff combined to complete 14 of 26 passes with 4 INTs. Mangenius!
- Rex Grossman took one snap and promptly blew out his hamstring in the Texans' wet and wild 16-10 win in KC. Matt Schaub completed all 7 of his pass attempts, while new Chiefs QB Matt Cassel looked pretty Scott Mitchell like in his first outing as former backup turned big time free agent.
- Vince Young actually had himself a real nice outing in the Titans 27-20 win over Tampa. Young completed 9 of 14 for 131 yards and a TD, helping offset a bad 2 INT night for Kerry Collins. As if the Titans needed another good running back, rookie Javon Ringer had 51 yards on 7 carries. Another Titan rookie, Rutgers WR Kenny Britt caught 5 passes for 89 yards and a TD.
- In an effort to avoid their traditional 1-4 start, the Chargers are playing LaDanian Tomlinson in the preseason this year to shake the rust off. Rusty had 10 yards on 4 carries as the Chargers fell to the Seahawks 20-14.
- Jacksonville debuted their new helmets, which are the same greenish black optical illusion color as my 1995 Dodge Avenger, which had a nasty habit of chewing up its own transmission. They also lost to Miami 12-9
- Ahmad Bradshaw figures to see more carries this year with Derrick Ward gone to Tampa. He looked ready for the increased responsibilities, averaging 7 yards on 5 carries and scoring a TD as the Giants beat a sloppy Panther team that turned it over 5 times, 24-17.
- Aaaaaand this just in. Brett Favre is a Viking. Finally. Now that this is finally done all we have to do is bury Michael Jackson and then we can all finally get on with our lives.
- Peyton Manning had a rough couple series, getting knocked around behind the Colts' pourous offensive line. Colts QBs were sacked 5 times as the Vikings came up with a 13-3 win. Colts 1st round running back Donald Brown had a nice debut, carrying 5 times for 58 yards. Sage Rosenfels has the early lead over Tarvaris Jackson in the race for the Brett Favre Loving Cup.
- Chris Henry and Chad O'Chocinco combined for 9 catches and 173 receiving yards, but the Bengals still could manage only 7 points in a 17-7 loss to New Orleans. Jeremy Shockey caught his first TD in a Saints uniform, but if you'll remember he was on the Saints last year too, and this TD doesn' t really count since it's preseason.
- Kyle Orton had a nice debut for the Broncos, getting picked off 3 times. Still, I saw an undaunted Orton supporter wearing an Orton Bears jersey while riding his motorcycle the next day. Rookie RB Glen Coffee, Frank Gore's new backup, had a nice debut, dark roasting the Broncos horrible defense for 67 yards on 14 carries. Niners win 17-16.
- The Lions continue their run of dominance in the preseason, as the defending 2008 Preseason Champs beat the Falcons 27-26. Matt Stafford completed 7 of 14 with a TD and an INT in his pro debut. Michael Turner had 63 yards on 6 carries and a TD for Atlanta.
- The intimidating ZIIIPPPPPPING noise of Jay Cutler's passes was not enough to help him do any better than completing 5 of 10 with 0 TDs and an INT as the Bears lost to TO-less Buffalo 27-20. Trent Edwards was a perfect 10 for 10, and the Bills completed 29 of 34 pass attempts against what looks like a not so good Bears defense. Bears 3rd string QB Brett Basanez was picked off 3 times.
- The Browns wore their Brown poo poo pants and played like poo poo, getting shut out by the Packers 17-0. Brady Quinn, Derek Anderson, and Brett Ratilff combined to complete 14 of 26 passes with 4 INTs. Mangenius!
- Rex Grossman took one snap and promptly blew out his hamstring in the Texans' wet and wild 16-10 win in KC. Matt Schaub completed all 7 of his pass attempts, while new Chiefs QB Matt Cassel looked pretty Scott Mitchell like in his first outing as former backup turned big time free agent.
- Vince Young actually had himself a real nice outing in the Titans 27-20 win over Tampa. Young completed 9 of 14 for 131 yards and a TD, helping offset a bad 2 INT night for Kerry Collins. As if the Titans needed another good running back, rookie Javon Ringer had 51 yards on 7 carries. Another Titan rookie, Rutgers WR Kenny Britt caught 5 passes for 89 yards and a TD.
- In an effort to avoid their traditional 1-4 start, the Chargers are playing LaDanian Tomlinson in the preseason this year to shake the rust off. Rusty had 10 yards on 4 carries as the Chargers fell to the Seahawks 20-14.
- Jacksonville debuted their new helmets, which are the same greenish black optical illusion color as my 1995 Dodge Avenger, which had a nasty habit of chewing up its own transmission. They also lost to Miami 12-9
- Ahmad Bradshaw figures to see more carries this year with Derrick Ward gone to Tampa. He looked ready for the increased responsibilities, averaging 7 yards on 5 carries and scoring a TD as the Giants beat a sloppy Panther team that turned it over 5 times, 24-17.
- Aaaaaand this just in. Brett Favre is a Viking. Finally. Now that this is finally done all we have to do is bury Michael Jackson and then we can all finally get on with our lives.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Fuck you, I'll call what I want.
I don't know why people get mad at refs and want instant replay all the time. They are adults not children. Since refs get calls 60% of the time right, that just shows they're human. Do you want robots reffing game? Some assholes like Crystal Palace's manager Neil Warnock would. His team played Bristol City and kicked in the "goal that never was" because ref Rob Shoebridge and the assistant ref didn't see the ball clearly go deep into the net. What a baby. Why would you need replay for this:
I just don't know why people want refs to use instant replay. I mean, when I'm teaching a bunch of kids, and a student does some shit wrong, I'll slap that fucker with 5 hour detentions. What, then the class will cry that I got the wrong person and ask the principal for instant replay? You fucking assholes, sometimes you just get fucked. I mean, for those of you that are parents and have no life reading this, and you thought that your kid did some shit wrong, you hit him in the face. Then your wife is like, "Dawg, I don't think he did it. It was the dog." Bitch please. You're an adult and it's time your wife treat you like one. You don't need instant replay to show you that your kid didn't do shit wrong. You might have fucked up, but just like ref Rob Shoebridge, you both don't need instant replay to tell you if you fucked up. You're an adult and you both can call whatever the fuck you want. Your kid, like Crystal Palace, needs to learn through adversity anyway. Besides, Shoebridge is not reffing games for a few weeks now because he messed up, so it's all good. Just because Crystal Palace manager Warnock lost a point and could get fired from a ref fucking up doesn't mean that there should be instant replay. THE REF WAS BANNED FOR A FEW WEEKS! That makes up for it!
In my classroom, I'll discipline anyone I want. When I have kids, I'll discipline whenever I want. When I'm with your mom, I'll call her whenever I want. You know why? Because I'm a fucking adult. So fuck you, I'll call what I want.
I just don't know why people want refs to use instant replay. I mean, when I'm teaching a bunch of kids, and a student does some shit wrong, I'll slap that fucker with 5 hour detentions. What, then the class will cry that I got the wrong person and ask the principal for instant replay? You fucking assholes, sometimes you just get fucked. I mean, for those of you that are parents and have no life reading this, and you thought that your kid did some shit wrong, you hit him in the face. Then your wife is like, "Dawg, I don't think he did it. It was the dog." Bitch please. You're an adult and it's time your wife treat you like one. You don't need instant replay to show you that your kid didn't do shit wrong. You might have fucked up, but just like ref Rob Shoebridge, you both don't need instant replay to tell you if you fucked up. You're an adult and you both can call whatever the fuck you want. Your kid, like Crystal Palace, needs to learn through adversity anyway. Besides, Shoebridge is not reffing games for a few weeks now because he messed up, so it's all good. Just because Crystal Palace manager Warnock lost a point and could get fired from a ref fucking up doesn't mean that there should be instant replay. THE REF WAS BANNED FOR A FEW WEEKS! That makes up for it!
In my classroom, I'll discipline anyone I want. When I have kids, I'll discipline whenever I want. When I'm with your mom, I'll call her whenever I want. You know why? Because I'm a fucking adult. So fuck you, I'll call what I want.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Vick Signing Stupid, NFL Preseason Begins, Premiership Week 1 Preview
- The Eagles signing of Michael Vick is really, really stupid. And not for the reasons you might think. Yes, there are the "character concerns", but really, 80% of the NFL has "character concerns". I'm sure there are a lot of NFL players doing a lot of really bad things, but most of them involve spending money rather than making money. Vick's dogfighting ring was making money that he presumably did not pay taxes on, so in this country that means you go to jail. The war machine must be fed, you know. He got caught and I'm sure he won't do it again.
The reason this signing is stupid is because it makes no sense from a football standpoint. We already know that Donovan McNabb is a diva who gets his feelings hurt easily and needs constant reassurance (which he usually gets from the national media) that he is in fact the great quarterback he thinks he is. Remember when they drafted the great Kevin Kolb with a second round pick? And McNabb got all sad? Well, no matter what he may say about this signing, I bet in his heart of hearts he is not happy about this. Remember, this is the guy who a couple of years ago had his agent call the league office in the middle of the week and have them change what was a fumble recovery for a touchdown to a touchdown pass so his stats would look better. He is a mark for himself. He does not like this signing, so now the starting quarterback is unhappy.
Secondly, exactly what kind of contribution on the field is Vick going to make? What is he now except a speed guy who's going to be 30, at which point you usually lose your speed? As a quarterback, he was a pretty good running back. As a passer he was borderline awful despite having a very strong arm. At this point in his career the only value he has is as a Wildcat quarterback, so basically you are bringing on this shitstorm around your team for the sake of maybe 1 or 2 plays a week that may or may not work. And your quarterback's vagina hurts now. This signing is all kinds of idiotic.
- Hey we've got some preseason action!
- I think Tom Brady is going to be OOOOOK. He saw his first on-field action since Carson Palmering his knee in the 08 opener, and he looked like 07 Brady. 10 of 15 with 2 TD passes to TE Chris Baker as the Patriots beat the Eagles 27-25. An impressive debut for Brian Westbrook's new backup, rookie LeSean McCoy. The second round pick averaged 5.5 yards per on 10 carries.
- Jim Zorn's offense continues to electrify as the Redskins get shut out 23-0 by the Ravens. Colt Brennan can probably say Aloha to any chances of winning the #2 QB job, as he went for 4 for 12 with an INT.
- Fantasy owners may be intrigued by Steelers RB Rashard Mendenhall, who is back after suffering a season ending injury early last season. He looked not so good in his first game back, gaining only 24 yards on 9 carries as the Steelers beat the Cardinals 20-10.
- There is a void to be filled at WR in Dallas, and in the preseason opener Sam Hurd looked like he might be the one to fill it. He caught 5 passes for 79 yards. Darren McFadden broke a 45 yard run for Oakland, and JaMarcus Russell completed 6 of 9 pass attempts as the Raiders reserves pulled away in the second half for a 31-10 win.
- This is probably going to be the greatest weekend ever. Not only does Madden 10 come out today, not only do I get Bears preseason football on Saturday, but I've also got opening weekend of the EPL. I'm probably going to be spending most of Saturday dancing around singing the Ewok song from the end of Return of the Jedi. The old Ewok song, not the overdubbed new one that they changed it to. Here's some of the more interesting matchups for Week 1:
- Chelsea won the Community Shield on PK's against Man U last week, and they open their Premiership campaign at home against Hull City, who got off to a fast start last year and blew for most of the rest of the season.
- Aston Villa threatened to break into the top 4 last year, and they will begin a new season Saturday with a a home fixture against Wigan.
- Man City made a lot of big acquisitions this offseason (Emmanuel Adebayor, Carlos Tevez, Roque Santa Cruz), but most of those guys won't be available for their opener at Blackburn.
- Arsenal was by far the weakest of the Big 4 last year. They have a tough assignment in Week 1 as they have a road match at Everton.
- Defending champs Man U begin life without Cristiano Ronaldo. They still should have an easy time of it at home against newly promoted Birmingham City.
- Liverpool lost only twice in the Premiership all last season. One of those losses came at the site of this season's opener, at Tottenham.
The reason this signing is stupid is because it makes no sense from a football standpoint. We already know that Donovan McNabb is a diva who gets his feelings hurt easily and needs constant reassurance (which he usually gets from the national media) that he is in fact the great quarterback he thinks he is. Remember when they drafted the great Kevin Kolb with a second round pick? And McNabb got all sad? Well, no matter what he may say about this signing, I bet in his heart of hearts he is not happy about this. Remember, this is the guy who a couple of years ago had his agent call the league office in the middle of the week and have them change what was a fumble recovery for a touchdown to a touchdown pass so his stats would look better. He is a mark for himself. He does not like this signing, so now the starting quarterback is unhappy.
Secondly, exactly what kind of contribution on the field is Vick going to make? What is he now except a speed guy who's going to be 30, at which point you usually lose your speed? As a quarterback, he was a pretty good running back. As a passer he was borderline awful despite having a very strong arm. At this point in his career the only value he has is as a Wildcat quarterback, so basically you are bringing on this shitstorm around your team for the sake of maybe 1 or 2 plays a week that may or may not work. And your quarterback's vagina hurts now. This signing is all kinds of idiotic.
- Hey we've got some preseason action!
- I think Tom Brady is going to be OOOOOK. He saw his first on-field action since Carson Palmering his knee in the 08 opener, and he looked like 07 Brady. 10 of 15 with 2 TD passes to TE Chris Baker as the Patriots beat the Eagles 27-25. An impressive debut for Brian Westbrook's new backup, rookie LeSean McCoy. The second round pick averaged 5.5 yards per on 10 carries.
- Jim Zorn's offense continues to electrify as the Redskins get shut out 23-0 by the Ravens. Colt Brennan can probably say Aloha to any chances of winning the #2 QB job, as he went for 4 for 12 with an INT.
- Fantasy owners may be intrigued by Steelers RB Rashard Mendenhall, who is back after suffering a season ending injury early last season. He looked not so good in his first game back, gaining only 24 yards on 9 carries as the Steelers beat the Cardinals 20-10.
- There is a void to be filled at WR in Dallas, and in the preseason opener Sam Hurd looked like he might be the one to fill it. He caught 5 passes for 79 yards. Darren McFadden broke a 45 yard run for Oakland, and JaMarcus Russell completed 6 of 9 pass attempts as the Raiders reserves pulled away in the second half for a 31-10 win.
- This is probably going to be the greatest weekend ever. Not only does Madden 10 come out today, not only do I get Bears preseason football on Saturday, but I've also got opening weekend of the EPL. I'm probably going to be spending most of Saturday dancing around singing the Ewok song from the end of Return of the Jedi. The old Ewok song, not the overdubbed new one that they changed it to. Here's some of the more interesting matchups for Week 1:
- Chelsea won the Community Shield on PK's against Man U last week, and they open their Premiership campaign at home against Hull City, who got off to a fast start last year and blew for most of the rest of the season.
- Aston Villa threatened to break into the top 4 last year, and they will begin a new season Saturday with a a home fixture against Wigan.
- Man City made a lot of big acquisitions this offseason (Emmanuel Adebayor, Carlos Tevez, Roque Santa Cruz), but most of those guys won't be available for their opener at Blackburn.
- Arsenal was by far the weakest of the Big 4 last year. They have a tough assignment in Week 1 as they have a road match at Everton.
- Defending champs Man U begin life without Cristiano Ronaldo. They still should have an easy time of it at home against newly promoted Birmingham City.
- Liverpool lost only twice in the Premiership all last season. One of those losses came at the site of this season's opener, at Tottenham.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Fuck Philadelphia.
If there is something I hate, it is people from Philadelphia. They have their fucking steak sandwiches, their fucking Liberty Bell, and now their fucking Michael Vick. Yes, you got that right. The Philadelphia Eagles signed Michael Vick to a Ron Mexico contract of $1.2 mil and an option $5.6 mil second year. Philadelphia is the land of brotherly love and boy is that fucking right. They love their brothers and they can give two fucking shits about dogs that get raped and drenched in water to be electrocuted for losing. And if there is a city that don't give a fuck about that kinda shit, it's Philadelphia.
The colors of the Philadelphia Eagles are green, black, white, silver, murder, and hypocrisy. They kick out Terrell Owens because he's an "ego" but sign Michael Vick because electrocuting, raping, and shooting dogs are more acceptable. Ex-defensive coordinator Jim Johnson must have been so fucking glad to die so he wouldn't have to see that piece of fucking shit Michael Vick rape his daughters on the Eagles sidelines. TO is such a disruption. Gotta get rid of that guy. But this Michael Vick guy, he's exactly what we need. Yeah, fuck you Philadelphia.
And the Philadelphia Eagles are especially the best spot for Michael Vick because it specializes in choking. Just in this case, it's not dogs, it's winning. Anything.
Great pick up, Andy Reid. OJ Simpson, Osama Bin Laden, and the shit that comes out of my ass are still available for signing. Great use of fan money you fat piece of shit. Hopefully Michael vick can show your sons the finer points of being pieces of shits. Oh wait, your boys have you.
After this year is a failure, hopefully someone electrocutes you.
The colors of the Philadelphia Eagles are green, black, white, silver, murder, and hypocrisy. They kick out Terrell Owens because he's an "ego" but sign Michael Vick because electrocuting, raping, and shooting dogs are more acceptable. Ex-defensive coordinator Jim Johnson must have been so fucking glad to die so he wouldn't have to see that piece of fucking shit Michael Vick rape his daughters on the Eagles sidelines. TO is such a disruption. Gotta get rid of that guy. But this Michael Vick guy, he's exactly what we need. Yeah, fuck you Philadelphia.
And the Philadelphia Eagles are especially the best spot for Michael Vick because it specializes in choking. Just in this case, it's not dogs, it's winning. Anything.
Great pick up, Andy Reid. OJ Simpson, Osama Bin Laden, and the shit that comes out of my ass are still available for signing. Great use of fan money you fat piece of shit. Hopefully Michael vick can show your sons the finer points of being pieces of shits. Oh wait, your boys have you.
After this year is a failure, hopefully someone electrocutes you.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Donte Stallworth sucks.
Yesterday I was enjoying another day off since I have three months off a year being a professor. After educating myself on social paradigms from the movie "White Chicks," I decided to turn to ESPN. There was an interview with Donte Stallworth of my new favorite NFL team, the Cleveland Browns. If you don't know, Stallworth had a DUI manslaughter, served 28 days, and is now on house arrest. A bunch of people hate his ass because he killed someone and couldn't see his family for a month, while the guy he killed can't see his family...well...forever. The interviewer asked Donte about how people saw this as unfair and what he thought about this and here was his answer:
Yes, Donte. Everyone does have his or her own opinion including you. You know why? Because you and everyone who has an opinion is still alive you fucking piece of shit. It gets even more hilarious because even though Stallworth is on house arrest, he is actually fucking appealing that to serve less time on house arrest. Your blood was .128 and then you fucking killed someone and only served 30 days in jail. That you are appealing hanging in your house watching TV and calling your mom while the guy you hit can't ever do that again makes me sick. The ESPN interviewer tried to make it like it wasn't a big deal like Ben Rothlesbitch raping that chick, but I see right through your bullshit, asshole.
Do us all a favor, Donte. Take your neck, put it in a rope loop, kick the chair, and masturbate until you die. Yes, I want you to fucking kill yourself. Oh wait, your coach is Mangini.
UPDATE: Stallworth is suspended without pay this year and will be reinstated after this year's Superbowl. Big fucking whoop.
"Well, everyone has their own opinion."
Yes, Donte. Everyone does have his or her own opinion including you. You know why? Because you and everyone who has an opinion is still alive you fucking piece of shit. It gets even more hilarious because even though Stallworth is on house arrest, he is actually fucking appealing that to serve less time on house arrest. Your blood was .128 and then you fucking killed someone and only served 30 days in jail. That you are appealing hanging in your house watching TV and calling your mom while the guy you hit can't ever do that again makes me sick. The ESPN interviewer tried to make it like it wasn't a big deal like Ben Rothlesbitch raping that chick, but I see right through your bullshit, asshole.
Do us all a favor, Donte. Take your neck, put it in a rope loop, kick the chair, and masturbate until you die. Yes, I want you to fucking kill yourself. Oh wait, your coach is Mangini.
UPDATE: Stallworth is suspended without pay this year and will be reinstated after this year's Superbowl. Big fucking whoop.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Never abused as a child? Try Mangini.
Reserve Cleveland Browns Receiver Syndric Steptoe went into practice thinking he was going to go through regular practice. No pads, clear skies, just some touch football. When he saw heavy rain, he thought like everyone else that practice would be changed to accommodate to the dangers this weather would bring. Instead, practice resumed with full contact and now Steptoe is having season-ending surgery before the season starts. Another chance for Mangini to abuse players to show dominance. Mangini defended his actions:
They're not saying shit because they're afraid you'll force them to go one some 50 hour bus ride to help some charity in your home town. Mangini had a cameo role in the Sopranos for a reason. This motherfucker just loves to abuse players. I know that this asshole worked under two authoritarian coaches, Bill "Jap Plays" Parcells and Bill "Fuck Mangini" Belichick, but I don't think they physically and mentally abused young players. Mangini is running his team like they are all part of Michael Irvin's "4th and Long" reality show. What's the next Mangini Challenge, throw all the linebackers in a room with Mike Tyson and whoever comes out least anally raped wins a reserve position? Look, I'm all for yelling at pussy ass players. If you don't like that, go find Tony Dungy. But there is no need to makes this like the Japanese movie "Battle Royale." The Jets got rid of this bitch not because of Brett Farve taking a shit during the season, but because Mangini's team mutinied on him. Don't be surprised if you see Mangini fired after this year. Oh wait, it's the Browns. They kept Romeo two years too long. So that means Mangini just got tenure.
"Seventy-nine other guys were able to practice effectively," Mangini said Sunday.
They're not saying shit because they're afraid you'll force them to go one some 50 hour bus ride to help some charity in your home town. Mangini had a cameo role in the Sopranos for a reason. This motherfucker just loves to abuse players. I know that this asshole worked under two authoritarian coaches, Bill "Jap Plays" Parcells and Bill "Fuck Mangini" Belichick, but I don't think they physically and mentally abused young players. Mangini is running his team like they are all part of Michael Irvin's "4th and Long" reality show. What's the next Mangini Challenge, throw all the linebackers in a room with Mike Tyson and whoever comes out least anally raped wins a reserve position? Look, I'm all for yelling at pussy ass players. If you don't like that, go find Tony Dungy. But there is no need to makes this like the Japanese movie "Battle Royale." The Jets got rid of this bitch not because of Brett Farve taking a shit during the season, but because Mangini's team mutinied on him. Don't be surprised if you see Mangini fired after this year. Oh wait, it's the Browns. They kept Romeo two years too long. So that means Mangini just got tenure.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
What I Think of the Bears
NP- I've been experiencing a ringing in my ears lately, and I can't figure out why.
MR. F- I can.
NP- Really?
MR. F- You live in the Chicago area don't you.
NP- Jes.
MR. F- That ringing in your ears is from the "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZIPPPPPPPPP"ing noise made when Jay Cutler throws one of his mighty passes. When minicamp started you probably suffered some damage. Now that training camp is in full swing it is probably getting worse.
NP- I see. So will Jay Cutler be adding to his impressive string of winning seasons and postseason heroics this year?
MR. F- Actually, Jay Cutler has never played in a playoff game.
NP- That's not what I heard. That can't be right.
MR. F- No really.
NP- You are full of hooey.
MR. F- We will agree to disagree on that one.
NP-Well, the Bears have obviously answered any and all questions surrounding their quarterback situation. Are there any other question marks on this team?
MR. F- Lots. Lets start with, oh I don't know, the receivers. In Denver Cutler had Brandon Marshall, Eddie Royal, and Tony Scheffler, who are all above average. In Chicago he's going to have Devin Hester whose primary skill as a receiver is drawing the pass interference penalty every now and then, and an assortment of Earl Bennetts and Rashied Davises and such. That's going to be an impediment.
NP- I'm sure Hester will have a 2000 yard season now that he has Cutler throwing to him. What else?
MR. F- Their left tackle is Orlando Pace, who I think played either for or with George Halas at some point in his career, and has played like 3 games in the last 2 years. They are also going to have a new right tackle and a new guard whos name is pronounced "Omeo" even though it's spelled "Omiyale". That's a lot of turnover and not very goodness on the offensive line.
NP- What about Matt Forte?
MR. F- He had a very good rookie year and looks like he's going to be a very good player. He carried 316 times last year though, so there is an injury risk there.
NP- What about the defense, can they get back to the level that they were at when they were NFC Champs in 2006?
MR. F- Well the players keep getting older, and the Bears keep using their free agent dollars and draft picks in the never ending quest to upgrade the offense. Their big acquisition on the defensive side of the ball is new D-line coach Rod Marinelli.
NP- The Rod Marinelli that coached the 0-16 Lions last year?
MR. F- The one and only.
NP- And he is a good coach why?
MR. F- Because Warren Sapp says he is.
NP- I see. Was it his fault that the Lions went 0-16?
MR. F- Of course not entirely his fault. But that doesn't make him a good coach either, and it certainly at least calls his coaching ability into question. I mean, he got the job because he was successful as the D-line coach in Tampa. He also had a Hall of Fame defensive tackle on that D-line in Warren Sapp and one of the best pass rushers of all time in Simeon Rice. He also had Derek Brooks being a cruise missle behind that line to clean up any messes. It would be kind of hard to not succeed with that kind of talent. I keep going back to that scene in the Breakfast Club where Farmer Ted tells Judd Nelson, "So I'm an idiot because I can't make a lamp?", and Judd Nelson says, "No, you're a genius because you can't make a lamp". In the NFL lots of coaches fail and its deemed not their fault, and are deemed geniuses because they can't make a lamp.
NP- Is Brian Urlacher still a good player?
MR. F- He's a solid player. He's not by any means a spectacular player or one of the best in the league at his position any more. As an all around linebacker Lance Briggs is better.
NP- Prediction time...
MR. F- The Bears are going to be under a lot of pressure with the addition of Cutler. The reality is they could open the season 0-3, because their schedule has them at Green Bay, then home against Pittsburgh, then at Seattle. Their road schedule isn't totally murderous, and they should be able to get at least 3 road wins. Their playoff chances could come down to a Monday Night home game in Week 16 against the Vikings. The Bears usually outperform what their talent level would dictate they will do because they are so good on special teams. I'm going to say 10-6 and probably a playoff spot.
How to dupe an overspending club
Step 1: Say you don't want to lose the slowest player on your team no matter what.
Step 2: Overvalue him and if the overspending club won't buy, say you didn't want to lose him anyway.
Step 3: Repeat Step 2 until the end of the transfer period.
Step 4: Sell said slowest player on your club.
Step 5: Just as you sell the player, buy a better, faster player for less.
How hilarious was it to see Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez play possum like he REALLY REALLY needed Xabi "SLOW AS FUCK" Alonzo until Real Madrid believed the hype. This was like American Eagle selling their Made in Vietnam shirt with shitty ass fonts, having some ripped dudes with frosted hair wear these retarded clothes, and then say these shirts are worth $50. Eventually, you have all these teen assholes pulling out school loans to buy these clothes. Real Madrid was like, damn, Rafa wants this guy so bad he MUST be worth 34 mil. Just pay the man. I wonder how Real Madrid Galactico Spender Perez felt just as he gives the money to Rafa, Rafa confirms the money transfer call to his accounts in the Bahamas, and then gives the signal to get a faster, better player from Roma.
Look, Real Madrid is one of my three favorite clubs. C.Ronaldo was the right price. Kaka was the right price. Benzema was the right price. Just stop there. No, you had to be fucking greedy and get some Spaniards on the team for the sake of getting Spaniards. Now you're stuck with the slowest person working for Liverpool besides the waterboy. People arguing that La Liga is now the best league because it has all the talent, except the final four in Champions League was Arsenal, Chelsea, Man U, and Barcelona. Last I checked that's three out of four teams from EPL. Eat shit again.
Step 2: Overvalue him and if the overspending club won't buy, say you didn't want to lose him anyway.
Step 3: Repeat Step 2 until the end of the transfer period.
Step 4: Sell said slowest player on your club.
Step 5: Just as you sell the player, buy a better, faster player for less.
How hilarious was it to see Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez play possum like he REALLY REALLY needed Xabi "SLOW AS FUCK" Alonzo until Real Madrid believed the hype. This was like American Eagle selling their Made in Vietnam shirt with shitty ass fonts, having some ripped dudes with frosted hair wear these retarded clothes, and then say these shirts are worth $50. Eventually, you have all these teen assholes pulling out school loans to buy these clothes. Real Madrid was like, damn, Rafa wants this guy so bad he MUST be worth 34 mil. Just pay the man. I wonder how Real Madrid Galactico Spender Perez felt just as he gives the money to Rafa, Rafa confirms the money transfer call to his accounts in the Bahamas, and then gives the signal to get a faster, better player from Roma.
Look, Real Madrid is one of my three favorite clubs. C.Ronaldo was the right price. Kaka was the right price. Benzema was the right price. Just stop there. No, you had to be fucking greedy and get some Spaniards on the team for the sake of getting Spaniards. Now you're stuck with the slowest person working for Liverpool besides the waterboy. People arguing that La Liga is now the best league because it has all the talent, except the final four in Champions League was Arsenal, Chelsea, Man U, and Barcelona. Last I checked that's three out of four teams from EPL. Eat shit again.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Out of Ideas for a Soccer Website? Steal mine.
With the brilliance of Cristiano Ronaldo trademarking CR9 and insuring his legs for a hundred million dollars, all the good ideas for soccer website names are being taken away. With Chelsea and Barcelona drawing over 80,000 people for preseason exhibitions in a country that supposedly has no soccer fans, it's time to cash in on Americans that are scrambling to soccer websites to figure out what this great sport is about. They are not going to want to visit sites that keep calling soccer "football" or are in weird languages like Spanish, Italian, or British. They want shit in American, and you can cash in just by stealing my ideas. Here are some I just thought of this morning:
1. cronaldosdick.com
It'll be a live camera with a picture of your dick. Make sure it's all hairy and shit so people can't tell it's his. Dub over Cristiano Ronaldo's voice speaking Portuguese and Americans can't tell what the fuck he's saying and just believe it's his dick. Then, to throw people off, sometimes put a poon on there and you'll have every website wondering if C.Ronaldo really is a girl hiding his nonexistant penis with a bush when it really was your small penis.
2. ronaldinhosextape.com
Lots of people want to see sex tapes of famous people. They'll have seen Ronaldinho with his flashy moves and wonder what kind of chicks this AC Milan player pulls. Then just show horses fucking. Dub over Ronaldinho talking and you win. Fuck it, just let the horse make noise. It's a foreign language. We won't be able to tell the difference.
3. wengerteatime.com
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger looks like a pedophile. Considering that he only recruits young players for Arsenal and sells off all players when they become 20, what he looks like isn't too far off. Just have videos of teabagging and blur the faces, and then put a subtitle of some player. If you don't know, teabagging is when you drop your nutsack on someone's cheek. Technically that's rape, but pretty funny as fuck, so it makes it okay.
4. robinhotrix.com
Manchester City's Robinho busts tricks all day. So have video of a retard kicking a ball around and falling. Same shit.
I give these suggestions for free knowing that if you make money, you better pay me or I'll sue you more unreasonably than the RIAA suing and winning claims for downloading that are 300% more of a penalty than if you just went into a store and stole the CD. Everyone will know you stole my shit and tell me anyway. Don't force me to find you myself. Then you'll wake up with drawings of penises on your face.
1. cronaldosdick.com
It'll be a live camera with a picture of your dick. Make sure it's all hairy and shit so people can't tell it's his. Dub over Cristiano Ronaldo's voice speaking Portuguese and Americans can't tell what the fuck he's saying and just believe it's his dick. Then, to throw people off, sometimes put a poon on there and you'll have every website wondering if C.Ronaldo really is a girl hiding his nonexistant penis with a bush when it really was your small penis.
2. ronaldinhosextape.com
Lots of people want to see sex tapes of famous people. They'll have seen Ronaldinho with his flashy moves and wonder what kind of chicks this AC Milan player pulls. Then just show horses fucking. Dub over Ronaldinho talking and you win. Fuck it, just let the horse make noise. It's a foreign language. We won't be able to tell the difference.
3. wengerteatime.com
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger looks like a pedophile. Considering that he only recruits young players for Arsenal and sells off all players when they become 20, what he looks like isn't too far off. Just have videos of teabagging and blur the faces, and then put a subtitle of some player. If you don't know, teabagging is when you drop your nutsack on someone's cheek. Technically that's rape, but pretty funny as fuck, so it makes it okay.
4. robinhotrix.com
Manchester City's Robinho busts tricks all day. So have video of a retard kicking a ball around and falling. Same shit.
I give these suggestions for free knowing that if you make money, you better pay me or I'll sue you more unreasonably than the RIAA suing and winning claims for downloading that are 300% more of a penalty than if you just went into a store and stole the CD. Everyone will know you stole my shit and tell me anyway. Don't force me to find you myself. Then you'll wake up with drawings of penises on your face.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
The Most Detailed Review of a Beckham Match
Haven't watched a Beckham match for the Galaxy? Consider yourself blessed. I always get sucked into watching this douche, so I watched his fucking piece of shit skills against Kansas City and Barcelona. I can reduce his performance to a few points that aren't complete sentences because I can also be shallow and arrogant enough to not give a fuck about you too:
-Booed by all fans
-Gets a lucky shot or assist because the other players fall asleep from how slow he is
-Says he doesn't give a fuck about his team's fans
There it is. You have just experienced every match by David Beckham. Congratulations, you just saved yourself $50 and embarrassment from buying a donkey shit Beckham jersey.
MATCH RATING: -100/10
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