The Answer Might Surprise You- Rating the Preseason

Save for 2 final games that take place tonight, the NFL preseason is over, and in less than a week either Adam Vinatieri or Olindo Mare will kick off the 2007 NFL season when the Colts and Saints tangle in the RCA Dome.

Some may say the preseason can be ignored entirely. I don't think that's the right thing to do. I know I'm talking a different sport here, but this spring, while the White Sox were putting up the worst record in the Cactus League, I kept hearing "Oh it's only Spring Training". But lo and behold, they've sucked in the regular season too, really, really badly.

So with 4 preseason games in the books for each team, I think even if we don't use the preseason as a 100% foolproof predictor of future results, we can at least step back and look at how each team did, let it stand on its own merit, and then you all can decide for yourselves if it tells us anything.

To that end, I've ranked every team from 1-32 on 5 measures. Offense and defensive yards per rushing attempt (that's two). O and D passing yards per attempt, and turnover margin. I then add up all those ratings, and the lowest total score wins.

Just like everyone's favorite Arab American, Kasey Kasseem, I'm going to count 'em down all the way to #1, starting at #32.

#32- ST. LOUIS RAMS (Total Score 116)
RECORD 2-2
OFFENSE: Rushing 25th, Passing 26th
DEFENSE: Rushing 26th, Passing 19th
TURNOVER MARGIN: 27th

The Rams have an excuse, at least on offense. Steven Jackson didn't play at all and Tory Holt was banged up. Even given this, Marc Bulger was still terrible, posting a 51.0 rating in 40 attempts.

#31- GREEN BAY PACKERS (Total Score 116)
RECORD 2-2
OFFENSE: Rushing 28th, Passing 27th
DEFENSE: Rushing 29th, Passing 17th
TURNOVER MARGIN: 15th

I expect the Packers to be a pretty good team this year, but they didn't look like one in August. The offense lacked explosiveness and struggled to run the ball. Rookie Brandon Jackson was treated as the starting running back in the absence of Vernand Morency, but averaged only 3.3 yards per carry. A couple of rookies did impress though. 3rd round WR James Jones led the team with 21 receptions (the next closest Packer had 8), and first round DT Justin Harrell looked like he'll be a good one.

#30- KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (Total Score 115)
RECORD 0-4
OFFENSE: Rushing 13th, Passing 32nd
DEFENSE: Rushing 19th, Passing 22nd
TURNOVER MARGIN: 29th

The Chiefs were the stars of this season of HBO's "Hard Knocks" training camp series, and the title was appropo. KC's preseason was a disaster. Brodie Croyle failed miserably given an opportunity to win the starting QB job, and Damon Huard will be the opening day starter despite attempting only 9 passes in preseason. 1st round WR Dwayne Bowe caught only one pass, and Larry Johnson held out for every game save for the last one. The only thing that may qualify as a bright spot was that Michael Bennett's 4 yards per carry on 83 attempts were enough to get LJ back in uniform.

Check back tomorrow for #29-20, I promise #29 will SHOCK you. And no it's not the Chargers, although that would have been a clever teaser. I'm trying to think of one for the team it actually is but I can't.

Boise State Wins 56-7...Dook!e Shoots Clue Goo

College football is not my territory...but I thought I'd alert everyone that Boise State clinched a spot in the BCS title game with a 56-7 win over Weber State last night. They will face whoever emerges as the clear cut second best team in the country after the 12 game NCAA men's college football season is completed.

Congrats Boise State.

New NFL Shield

The NFL shield has taken quite a battering of late...what with the Michael Vick and the Pacman Jones making it rain and the Lance Briggs crashing his Lamborgini then walking away whistling with his hands in his pockets...so beginning in 2008 the NFL will retire the old shield, and get a new one..and here it is



Very nice. I am told the 8 stars represent the 8 divisions in the NFL. On the old logo, nobody knows what the 25 stars represents. Seriously. It's just kind of arbitrary. The NFL in its history has never had exactly 25 teams. I kind of like how they got rid of the fruity curly "L". The football also appears more erect, which should make Mrs. Football very happy.

Champions League Group Stage Draw

Henry: I am the queen of the seas...
Ronaldinho: I am the empress of Japan...
Henry: Tonight be ready for...
Ronaldinho: Shut up, you're turning me on...

I put a number (10 highest, 1 lowest) for each team in terms of roster and teamwork strength). Also, in bold are my predictions of who gets out of each group:

Group A: Liverpool (8), Porto (5), Marseilla (6) and Besiktas (3)

Group B: Chelsea (8), Valencia (7), Schalke (4) and Rosenborg (4)

Group C: Real Madrid (8), Werder Bremen (6), Lazio (6) and Olympiakos (6)

Group D: AC Milan (7), Benfica (6), Celtic (7)and Shakhtar Donetsk (5).

Group E: Barcelona (9), Lyon (8), Stuttgart (6), Rangers (6)

Group F: Manchester United (8), Roma (7), Sporting Lisbon (6) and Dynamo Kiev (6).

Group G: Inter Milan (8), PSV (6), CSKA Moscow (5) and Fenerbahce (4).

Group H: Arsenal (6), Sevilla (7)/AEK (5), Steaua Bucharest (2), Slavia Prague (3).

I think Group E and C are the strongest. Group H is weak as hell.

I want to see Man U and Barca in the Finals.

Superliga Finals

Donovan and the PK

The outlook wasn't brilliant for the La Galaxy that day;
The score stood one to zero, with but one minute more to play,
And then when David Beckham fell first, and his ankle did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.

A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
Clung to that hope which springs eternal in the human breast;
They thought, if only Landon Donovan could get but a whack a ball in play -
We'd put up even money, now, with Donovan attempting a pk.

But the match was in the last minute, and a loss seemed like fate,
And the Galaxy had been playing bad like a stupidity bukake;
So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy day,
For there seemed but little chance of Donovan getting to kick a pk.

But then Chris Klein hit a bicycle kick, to the wonderment of all,
And Klein, the much despis-ed, tore the cover off the ball;
And when the dust had lifted, and the men saw what had occurred,
There was the score one to one in the ninety-third.

Then from 12,500 throats and more there rose a lusty yell;
It rumbled through the Home Depot Center, it rattled in the dell;
It knocked upon the mountain and recoiled Patrick N's dick,
For time had run out, and now the game was down penalty kicks.

From the benches, black with people, there went up a muffled roar,
Like the beating of the storm-waves on a stern and distant shore.
"Kill him! Kill the Galaxy Keeper!" shouted someone on the stand;
A miss. A make. Then suddenly, Pachuca missed with the game in hand.

With a smile of Christian charity great Donovan's visage shown;
He stilled the rising tumult; he bade the game go on;
The ref signaled to the Pachuca player, and once more the spheroid flew;
But upon the miss the Galaxy Keeper realized it's all up to you know who!

The sneer is gone from Donovan's lip, his teeth are clenched in hate;
He pounds with cruel violence his lips upon his ring plates.
And now the ref holds the ball, and now he lets it go,
And now the air is shattered by the force of Donovan's blow.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere more laughing tots;
But there is no joy in L.A.—mighty Donovan has missed his shot.

Pachuca are Superliga champions: Pachuca 1 (5) - LA Galaxy 1 (4)

-In tribute to "Casey at the Bat"

RIP Antonio Puerta, 22 year old Sevilla and Spain national player, who died from three successive heart attacks.

Out On A Limb- 07 NFC South Predictions and Week 3 Recaps

I haven't forgotten about cowboying up and making my predictions for the upcoming NFL season. I've already given you the NFC North and East, today....watch me kill two birds with one stone as I not only recap the NFC South's exhibition escapades of last weekend, but give you my prediction of how they'll finish in 07.


NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (2-2)
WON at Chiefs 30-7
OFFENSE
This team is Clubber Lang to me right now. They look like they have the eye of the tiger. They look like the team running windsprints down the beachfront in hot pants and a headband. Drew Brees completed 17 of 19 passes in this game, and that was without either of his starting wideouts playing (although David Patten filled in admirably with 6 catches for 75 yards and a TD). Reggie Bush carried 6 times for 51 yards. The only thing that wasn't seashells and balloons in this game was that Deuce McAllister had only 14 yards on 6 carries.

DEFENSE
I guess any defense would look good when you've got Brodie Croyle doing his Edward Scissorhands routine on the other side of the line of scrimmage, but the Saints first team defense was pretty much impermeable. Will Smith had a sack. Then he punched Croyle in the face and said, "Welcome to Earth".

I PREDICT
The Saints play in a division with 3 teams who have serious problems. That, and they are really, really good. The Saints will go 13-3 and have this division wrapped up well before you take the kids to see Santy Claus.

CAROLINA PANTHERS (1-2)
LOST at Patriots 7-24
OFFENSE
Carolina has huge problems running the ball, and it was evident here, as DeShaun Foster and D'Angelo Williams combined for just 29 yards on 12 carries. The Cats did have one sweet-ass play though where Jake Delhomme hit Keary Colbert in stride over the middle and he took it about 35 yards after the catch for a TD.

DEFENSE
An 18 play, 90 yard drive to a field goal in the 1st quarter was emblematic of the way that New England had its way with Carolina's defense. Tom Brady completed 12 of 15 passes, and the Pats ran 39 plays from scrimmage to Carolina's 19 in the first half. First round LB Jon Beason continues to impress. He led the Panthers with 6 first half tackles.

I PREDICT
The schedule maker was pretty gentle with the Panthers, and they should be able to fatten up on Atlanta and Tampa within their own division. You know what a good defense and a bad offense get you though. It gets you 8-8.

ATLANTA FALCONS (2-1)
WON v. Bengals 24-19
OFFENSE
I took great offense to the blubbering of the orange Chris Berman during the halftime studio show, referring to Michael Vick's situation as "tragic". Uhhh...if Michael Vick were mauled by a pit bull while walking a little old lady across the street, and was unable to play football again, THAT would be "tragic". That the kingpin of a large and really vile organized crime enterprise is going to jail isn't that tragic to me. Meanwhile, Joey Harrington throws for 2 TDs and posts a 132.8 passer rating in the first half.

DEFENSE
First round DE Jamal Anderson had 5 tackles and 2 sacks, so the Falcons gotta be happy with that. They also allowed Rudi Johnson over 5 yards a carry in the first half, and were absolutely abused by Chad Johnson (5 catches, 83 yards, TD in first half), so that kind of puts a damper on things.

I PREDICT
There really is no reason the Falcons shouldn't get off to a very good start. The schedule gets a lot tougher toward the end though, and a September and October of Joeymania will give way to an uninspiring 7-9 final record.

TAMPA BAY BUCS (2-1)
OFFENSE
Jeff Garcia threw a TD pass to Joey Galloway, but that was one of only 4 completions he had in 10 attempts, and he threw an interception that set up a Dolphin TD. I guess it doesn't really matter how he does though, since the Bucs have like 8 quarterbacks, and can always send the Federales to go get Jake Plummer if things really get bad.

DEFENSE
Cato June picked off a miserably executed Trent Green screen pass for an easy six. Gaines Adams looks like he is going to live up to being a top 5 draft pick, he had another sack, his second of the preseason. The Bucs held Miami to only 3.1 yards per carry in the first half.

I PREDICT
Jon Gruden gets the ax after a 4-12 season.

Preseason Week 3- NFC West Recap

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (2-1)
WON v. Vikings 30-13
OFFENSE
The Hawks were set up with sweet field position twice in the first quarter (the Vikings 19, and 35 yard lines) and could come away with only 2 field goals. They had a lot more success in the second quarter, with Matt Hasselbeck spreading the ball evenly between Deion Branch, Bobby Engram, and Marcus Pollard, who each had 3 catches. Shaun Alexander had 30 yards on 8 carries and punched one in from a yard out to put Seattle up 16-7.

DEFENSE
How do you feel about having Bobby Wade hang 5 catches for 85 yards in one half on your first team defense? Ick. That's a bad sign for a team that plays in a division with some potent offenses.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (1-2)
LOST at Bears 28-31
OFFENSE
Last week I saw a big circle jerk article in ESPN the Magazine about the 49ers, with a big pictorial spread of them playing grabass with each other, heralding them as the up and coming team of 2007. Well, they're going to have to be a lot better than this or else I don't want to hear it. This game was nowhere near as close as the score indicated, the Bears absolutely destroyed the Niners in the first half. Except for a TD drive that started on the Bears' 6 yard line after a muffed punt, the Niners went 3 and out every single time they had the ball, except for one drive where they turned it over on the first play. Alex Smith completed 2 passes on 3 attempts in the first half. I realize that the Niners were without Frank Gore in this game, but 2 completions in one half is not the stuff ESPN Magazine centerfolds are made of.

DEFENSE
The Niners defense looked even worse than their 26th against the pass ranking in 2006 would suggest. Rex Grossman threw for 211 yards and 2 TDs against them in the first half. The only things the Niners have to hang their hat on from this game was a Walt Harris pick 6 on a Sexy Rexy uh-oh, and a pretty good 7 tackle performance by first round LB Patrick Willis.

ST. LOUIS RAMS (1-2)
LOST at Raiders 10-20
OFFENSE
Take away Torry Holt and Steven Jackson for the Rams, and what you get is a team that gets housed by the Raiders. Without his 2 best weapons, Marc Bulger was 8 of 21. Neither Travis Minor or Brian Leonard were at all effective in splitting Jackson's carries. Isaac Bruce had 77 receiving yards in the first half. Honestly, until my 2 fantasy drafts, I had absolutely no idea Bruce had a 1000 yard season last year. It's interesting that lately wide receivers in the NFL can be productive into their late 30's, while the lifespan of running backs is so drastically short.

DEFENSE
If my defense is giving up 17 first half points to the Raiders' offense, I am very very worried. The pass defense gave up too many big plays, and couldn't stop the Raiders in short yardage situations (six rushing first downs for the Raiders in the first half). The Rams really have nothing positive to take away from this regular season dress rehearsal.

ARIZONA CARDINALS (0-3)
LOST v. Chargers 31-33
OFFENSE
Matt Leinart had success throwing the ball deep, completing a bomb to Bryant Johnson that set up a Marcel Shipp TD, and an 80 yard bomb to a wide open Anquan Boldin for a TD. What isn't encouraging is that the Cardinals still show no sign that they can run the ball any better than last year. Edgerrin James sat this one out, and Shipp and JJ Arrington combined for 27 yards on 10 carries in the first half.

DEFENSE
For the third game in a row, the Cardinals defense was terrible. In its three preseason games (all losses), the Cards gave up 27 to the Raiders, 33 to the Texans, and now 33 to the Chargers. The Cardinals didn't force a punt until there was 2:08 left in the first half.

Weekend Wrapup

La Liga

For those of you that were expecting to see Real Madrid or Barcelona on TV(the only two teams worth seeing in La Liga), you probably found out that some German game was playing and thought, "WHAT THE..." And unless you lived in Spain, the only way you could watch Real Madrid and Barcelona was through Chinese p2p video site. It's a complicated issue, but it comes down to a pissing match.

Sogecable owns 80% of La Liga broadcasts while Mediapro owns 20%. So Mediapro decided to buttfuck Sogecable by buying individual team rights for a lot of money (basically, Mediapro was like, "Hey RM, here's a zillion dollars, can you ignore Sogecable's rights and let us air your shit?").

As you can probably guess, Sogecable is a bit butthurt about it, so they claim Mediapro owe them €58M (58 million Euros). Mediapro is like FU, but are getting barred from stadiums (through magic I guess) and are unable to broadcast some of the rights Mediapro bought (such as RM and Barcelona), and Sogecable makes watching RM and Barca games only available through PPV (suck a dick?). Mediapro is responding by playing other games they have full access for for free during these PPV broadcasts, but as I said before the only teams to watch in La Liga are RM and Barca.

So, for as long as I can keep it up, here's the Real Madrid second goal:

Real Madrid looked pretty good in terms of offense. Last year they were scrappy style possession football; this year they are creative style put as many shots on goal. Most people like to watch the latter, but the former won them their first title in 4 years, so here's hoping pretty football can lead to championship football.

I'd show Barca clips, but it was 0-0 and Barca's "Fantastic Four" of Messi, Ronaldinho, Eto'o, and Thierry Henry, as predicted, turned out to be a dud. The in-fighting has already started.

EPL

Chelsea played like shit and still won with a lucky as fuck Frank Lampard blast. To Lampard's credit, he didn't play too bad this weekend. Chelsea looked vunerable as hell in defense and their offense was missing that last pass. Their midfield was controlling and taking a lot of balls, but the front line of Pizarro (who turned out to be a pretty good, cheap buy) and last year's goal leader Drogba were playing a bit crappy. But they won, and with Manchester City finally losing, Chelsea is at the top of the table.

Man U finally scored winning 1-0. Man U looks like crap. I know they are missing Rooney and C. Ronaldo, but I don't think these guys are going to solve the chemistry issue. Here's Nani's blast from Cambodia:

FMF

Chivas won 3-1 over Atlas. Fuck them. Club America won 4-1, but played against a shitty ass Tecos team. Federico Insua is a BEAST. I know this clip sucks, but check out Insua ankle-breaking three a-holes to the ground before getting an assist:



Their other new signing, Rodrigo Lopez, is pretty good at finishing. He had a nice hattrick this game. Club America is pretty good at slapping down newbs. Too bad they can't beat hard teams.

Preseason Week 3- As Real As Preseason Gets

It's common NFL wisdom that Week 3 of the preseason is the one week of the preseason that means anything. Teams play their starters half the game or more, and for the first time we are given somewhat of an on-field indication of how ready or not ready teams are to open the regular season.

We're going to do things a little differently here. During the season, my plan is to do a real-time blog on Sundays, then do divisional updates during the week, and a big preview on Saturday. So I'm gonna test run it this week, since it's preseason for me too. Here's your AFC West recap for Week 3 of the preseason.


SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (2-1)
WON at Cardinals 33-31
OFFENSE
Yes, the Chargers hiring of Norv Turner to coach a team that is expected to at least get to the AFC Championship game this year is certainly a head scratcher, I look at the 506 yards of total offense the Bolts put up WITHOUT LT in this game, and I think maybe freeing the Chargers from the shackles of Martyball isn't all a bad thing. Philip Rivers completed 20 of 29 with 2 TDs, both to Vincent Jackson, whose bones I am so jumping in Fantasy Draft #2 this afternoon. RB/Chaos Maker Darren Sproles has been one of the most impressive players of this preseason, on any team. He had 118 all purpose yards in this game if you count kick returns, 93 and a TD if you don't. Either way, Turner has to find a way to get him the ball 10 times a game once the real season starts.

DEFENSE
Save for a WTF on an 80 yard TD pass to a wide open Anquan Boldin, the first team defense did well, as the Chargers led 17-7 at the half. DT Luis Castillo had a sack.

DENVER BRONCOS (1-2)
LOST at Browns 16-17
OFFENSE
Jay Cutler continued to dazzle us with just how "meh" he can be. He wasn't bad, but he certainly wasn't that good. He led the Broncos to 10 first half points, didn't turn it over, and threw a TD pass to fullback Kyle Johnson. He is very, very OK at this point in his NFL career. The vaunted Broncos running game was in good form though, averaging over 5 yards a carry, and doing so without either starting RB Travis Henry or backup Mike Bell. Third stringer Cecil Sapp started and had 54 yards and a TD, while UFA RB Selvin Young had 91 yards and a TD on 17 carries, and reminding everyone of that movie "Lucky Number Slevin", which I had totally forgotten about.

DEFENSE
The Browns aren't known around the league as being an offensive juggernaut, but the Broncos couldn't get their defense off the field in the first half. The Browns had an 11 play, 80 yard TD drive to open the game, and later had a 13 play, 80 yard drive for a field goal. All told, when both teams' first strings were in, the Browns had 3 drives, and 2 of them put points on the board. That's not good for the Broncos.

KC CHIEFS (0-3)
LOST v. Saints 7-30
OFFENSE
It's panic button time! The misguided attempt to pass Brodie Croyle off as an NFL starting quarterback has been scuttled after he took of a 5 of 17 for 45 yards and an INT dump in this game. Damon Huard has now "won" the competition to open the season as the Chiefs QB.

DEFENSE
Not as awful as the offense was, but still awful. The Saints first offense went right down the field pretty much every time they had the ball. Drew Brees completed 17 of 19 pass attempts and was in complete control of the Chiefs. The game was scoreless after one quarter though, thanks to a goal line stuffing of Deuce McAllister, which was pretty much the lone highlight of the game for the Chiefs.

OAKLAND RAIDERS (2-1)
WON v. Rams 20-10
OFFENSE
Don't look now, but the Silver and Black pwned in this game. I'm starting to think that with the Chiefs looking like the suck really bad, that the Raiders may not be the mortal lock to finish in last place in the AFC West that they've been for the last God knows how many years. The much maligned Raiders offense was a goal line fumble and a missed chip shot field goal away from coming away with points all five times they had the ball in the first half. Lamont Jordan had 90 all purpose yards and a TD in the first half, and Daunte Culpepper threw a TD pass to Ronald Curry.

DEFENSE
While the offense looks improved, the defense was already pretty good, and looks like it still is. Granted, the Rams were missing Torry Holt and Steven Jackson, but Marc Bulger was still there, and held to 8 completions in 21 attempts, and the Rams were three and out on two out of their 6 first half drives, and held to 1 first down and no points on 2 others. All that added up to a 17-3 halftime lead for the Raiders.

On another note about the Raiders, last night I played the Raiders at home against the Chargers on Madden 08, All-Pro difficulty, 8 minute quarters. Now keep in mind I am not very good at Madden. Some may even say I suck. As expected, I was down 20-0 in the third quarter. But then all hell broke loose. Culpepper threw a pair of TDs to Doug Gabriel, and I had an INT return for a TD, and the Raiders ended up winning 28-26. Based on this preseason game, and this video game simulation, I predict the Raiders will be the surprise team of 2007. How do you like that?

La Liga, EPL, MLS Preweekend

La Liga

La Liga starts this weekend and Real Madrid seems to make everyone's news list because they are always buying new players as an excuse for poor play. This may be because they spent 121 million Euros (€) on transfer players. OMG. Who did they get?

Christoph Metzelder Defender (free transfer)
Pepe Defender (€26M)
Javier Saviola Second Striker (free transfer)
Jerzy Dudek Goalkeeper (free transfer)
Wesley Sneijder Creative Midfielder (€26M)
Royston Drenthe Left Defender/Midfielder (€14M)
Gabriel Heinze Left Defender (€10M)
Arjen Robbin Wing Midfielder (€36M)

Holy crap? This weekend they play crosstown rival Athletico Madrid. The drama (besides being almost as hated rivals as Barcelona/RM) is that Reyes, who was a big part of Real Madrid winning the La Liga title last year, is now on Athletico Madrid and is ready to prove something to Real Madrid. That coupled with a brand new team smells of a loss. Reyes added on the pressure:

"Atlético will win 2-0 and I will score a goal.

"We have a great team and all the players have settled in well, but Real are not yet ready because of the fact that they have signed players so late.

"Real Madrid continued to call me even when I had agreed to join Atleti. Mijatovic phoned and said that I could not go there and that I had to stay with Madrid."

Sounds like a lot of butthurt to be released.

Barcelona, Kobe Bryant's favorite team, plays Racing Santander, so nobody cares about that.

EPL

If you look at one of Real Madrid's signing, you may recognize that Heinze came from Manchester United. Heinze was slated to join rivals Liverpool, but SIR Alex and Co. said they don't sell to rivals. A whole appeals process came about where Heinze said he had a letter from Manchester United saying he could move, but Manchester said, ya, but not to a rival, a-hole. So Heinze ended up going to Real Madrid.

Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez got a bit butthurt about it saying there was clear favoritism towards "certain clubs." Well, SIR Alex wasn't going to let that shit slide. SIR Alex revealed that Man U is looking to press for disciplinary actions on Liverpool for the Heinze situation:

"We are looking at Liverpool's whole role in this," he said.

"We are not letting them off with it. That is what we are investigating. We will see how it comes out. David Gill (chief executive) is working on that at the moment. We will get to the bottom of it.

"There was never any chance of Liverpool winning that case, so Rafa clearly did not read the Premier League rules. It is just churlish."

You know you just got buttfucked when someone calls you "churlish." Wait, what the fuck does "churlish" mean?

churl·ish /ˈtʃɜrlɪʃ/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[chur-lish] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –adjective

1.	like a churl; boorish; rude: churlish behavior.

2.	of a churl; peasantlike.

3.	niggardly; mean.

4.	difficult to work or deal with, as soil.

OMFG HE SAID RAFA WAS A NI...Oh...he was saying Rafa was being rude. nm.

MLS

LAFC played Chivas USA and got STOMPED 3-0. Beckham was playing on one foot and just arrived from a English/Germany friendly. Some of the other Galaxy players were also coming back from the USA/Sweden game. They were tired and it showed. The best part about this game was when some Chivas guy named Marsch decided to come in hard behing a tired as fuck Beckham and bust a mean ass high kick to Beck's right hip. Beck's doens't let elite players in La Liga do that. But an MLS goon? HAHAHAH Shit hit the fan as Becks went apeshit. Apparently the kick was a retaliation shot:

"He kind of got a piece of me the play before that and so it was somewhat of a retaliation, somewhat of a tactical foul because he was on the break," Marsch said. "It was harder than I would have liked it to have been. I apologized to him and I told him I respect what he's about. He was kind of dumb with me though."

AHHAHAH He called Becks DUMB. YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT. What do you think Becks is going to do? Say, "NICE ONE MATE YOU SHAGGED MY LEG GOOD." As it should be, both benches cleared and Chivas defender Alex Zotinca busted a Zidane headbutting Galaxy midfielder Kevin Harmse, so Harmse unloaded on Zotinca's face. Both were sent off with red cards. This shit was a fake rivalry, but now it's legit. Marsch tried to down play it after calling Becks DUMB:

"It was two teams standing up for guys on their team," Marsch said. "I think everybody respects him over there and I hope that guys respect what I'm all about here. I appreciate all my teammates sticking together."

Yeah, dipshit. You guys were sticking up for each other. Guess how they fucking do that? The next time you're on the pitch against the Galaxy, someone's going to slide behind your ankles and you'll have to use your high school diploma to get a new job. You DO realize that the Galaxy have nothing to play for and put on Becks to bring in large ticket sales? Remember 66,000? Do you realize how much, Marsch, you would cost other clubs in revenue if you would have fucked up in your retaliation and dropped on Beckham's ankle? Someone should fuck you up just because. Maybe the NBA ref mafia needs a call.

BTW, didn't I say that Chivas was going to do something to Beckham. This shit is going to get worse.

NCAA Quick Hits - 8.24.07

• Nick Saban is attempting to finish what Tom Hanks started in 1994 - make Alabama football relevant again. Discounting their mid-major Bowl win at the Cotton Bowl during the 2006-2007 season, Alabama hasn't won a major bowl game since the 1993 Sugar Bowl, in which they defeated Miami, 34-13. When asked what Saban's gameplay would be to return Alabama to glory, he responded by offering Denzel Washington a chance to return to the Crimson Tide and coach the team. "With the success he had with the Titans, I can only imagine what he can do coming home to THE Alabama!" Roll tide, indeed.
  

• Boise State is in the midst of a lawsuit by the S.A.D.L. about their violation of seven different federal statutes regarding the unethical treatment of Smurfs for usage in the famous "Blue Turf" field in Boise, where Boise State coincidentally plays. "Their maiming of innocent Smurfs for their Smurf Jelly is asinine and despicable" claims Papa Smurf, as he smurfs hismelf to the latest issue of SmurfBoy, featuring the transgendered wife of Oklahoma head coach Bob Stoops. Just kidding - we all know Stoops could never get laid.

• USC Head Coach Pete Carroll is also in a bit of hot water today, as he was recently accused by the L.A. Times of improperly recruiting athletes to Southern California. "I would never violate NCAA policies in recruiting athletes to USC!" claims Carroll, who denies the charges of offering prostitutes and vintage L.A. Gear sneakers to potential recruits. He would, however, admit to threatening a life time subscription to "The Kenny G CD Collection" to Matt Leinhart for threatening to skip his final year at USC.

• In a brief bit of baseball news, the Texas Rangers raped the Baltimore Orioles, 30-3 this week, prompting outrage from the sporting community over the cruelty demonstrated by the Rangers. "There was no need for the Rangers to pummel the Baltimore Orioles like that! The Orioles are a gentle and kind species, and should be protected, not ravaged," exclaimed Michael Vick, while attending a mandatory PeTA conference.

• Speaking of Vick, Virginia Tech recently announced that they had no intention of taking down a flag bearing Michael Vick's number at their stadium. This of course refers to Vick's time in Blacksburg, where he managed not only to refrain from killing dogs, but also refrain from getting arrested. Actually, he probably did get arrested at some point, but looking up Michael Vick's arrest record is like looking up Britney Spears' dress - there's no good that can come from it.

• And finally, the BCS still sucks more sausage than the WNBA All Star Game. At this time, we here at FootballFutbol would like to announce our intention to break from the undeserved stereotype that all WNBA players are lesbians. Over 70% of WNBA players are of the "hideous hosebeast" quality, and should never be confused with the lovely lesbians that dot our computer screens regularly. At FootballFutbol, we strive for accuracy in blogging!

Out On A Limb- NFC Central

I have more shocking and controversial predictions! This time about the NFC Central...

Here's how they'll do in 07.

1. Chicago Bears 11-5
This is an exciting season for Bears fans, because they'll actually have some meaningful regular season games against good teams. Last year got a little boring what with the weekly beatdowns of whatever tomato can was lined up in front of them. That's probably how it is being a Boise State fan every day of the year except for their bowl game.

2. Green Bay Packers 8-8
This will be the best 8-8 team in the league this year. Their defense is a year away from being one of the top 5 in the league. Thisyear, there are road games at the Giants, Broncos, Cowboys, Rams, and Chiefs that are going to keep the Pack out of the playoffs.

3. Detroit Lions 7-9
Now meet the worst 7-9 team in the league this year. I will also take this opportunity to make my first 2008 prediction, when the Lions, who will have improved by 4 wins over the year before, will be the sexy pick to make the Super Bowl out of the NFC, and will fall flat on their asses.

4. Minnesota Vikings 4-12
I look at this team and see the 2004 Chicago Bears. And that ain't a good thing. This offense will be the gold standard of terribleness in 2007. A curse on Brad Childress' moustache.

I'm So Done With Week 2...

(2-0) COWBOYS 31, (1-1) BRONCOS 20
The Broncos had one of those preseason games where everyone gets hurt, then you hear a week's worth of "the preseason is too long...dur dur dur dur dur dee dur". Both of their top 2 running backs, Travis Henry and Mike Bell, went down. Henry had an MRI on his knee done, and the damage isn't anything that should be season threatening. Now I feel stupid for not taking him in the fantasy draft when I had a chance. Looks like that's the end of me.

Marion Barber had a pair of TDs for the Cowboys, and Julius Jones also got in.

Jay Cutler started at QB for the Broncos, and looked not so good, completing only 7 of 13 attempts. Practice squad WR Brian Clark had a 90 yard TD reception, and first round DE Jarvis Moss had a sack for Denver.

(2-1) STEELERS 12, (1-1) REDSKINS 10
Skins QB Jason Campbell got an owy on his knee in this game, so you won't be seeing him any more this preseason. A highly polished veteran player like him doesn't need preseason preparation anyway. The Redskins made news today when they acquired disgruntled Jets O lineman Pete Kendall. I hope he can find a way to gruntle himself now.

Santonio Holmes and Nate Washington combined for 95 receiving yards for the Steelers. Funny story about those two guys, last year I'm in my fantasy playoffs, and Willie Parker has a huge game for me on Thursday night, I'm talking like a 30 point game or something like that. So I figure that the game is a lock for me, so I go online and spend the 10 bucks to pick up Holmes and Washington on waivers for next week's playoff game, because they were both unclaimed and I think Pittsburgh must have had a really easy matchup the next week. Well, all my other players crapped the bed and I lost that playoff game. So I ended up spending 10 bucks for a game that never came. Actually, that story is not as funny as it is long.

(1-1) GIANTS 13, (1-1) RAVENS 12
Eli Manning completed 10 of 13 and threw a TD pass to second round WR Steve Smith, then called Tiki Barber a "girly faced bitch" in the post game press conference. Or maybe I just dreamed that part. Is it "dreamed" or "dreamt"?

Willis McGahee carried 6 times for 3 yards for the Ravens. Uhhh-ohhhhh.

(2-0) BEARS 27, (0-2) COLTS 24
Cedric Benson averaged 2.4 yards on 10 carries against the shall we say "subpar" Colts run defense. UHHHH-OHHHHHH. Rex Grossman turned the ball over three times, fumbling three times and getting picked off once. UHHHH-OHHHHH. Guess he was not able to master how to handle a snap from center since fumbling 9 of them or whatever it was in the Super Bowl. God what I wouldn't give to punch Rex Grossman in the face just once.

More Week 2 Recaps Beeyotch...

(1-1) NINERS 26, (1-1) RAIDERS 21
Daunte Culpepper was 6 for 8 with 2 TD passes. I hold steadfast in my insane belief that he is not finished. Lamont Jordan had 67 yards on 8 carries and a TD. For the Niners, first round LB Patrick Willis had 8 tackles, and Ashley Lelie had 57 receiving yards and a TD. If you're in the 15th or 16th round of your fantasy draft, and scrounging for bottom of the barrell talent, you may want to take a flyer on Culpepper, Jordan, or Lelie, then forget I told you to do so.

(1-1) CHARGERS 30, (1-1) RAMS 13
I love how everyone always wacks off over the Chargers throwback uniforms because of the powder blue jerseys, then they change their uniforms for real, but they change the color of their helmets and not the jerseys. I hate the Chargers powder blue jerseys. You know why? Because Chris Berman loves them. He can go fuck himself. Darren Sproles had an 80 yard punt return TD for SD, and Vincent Jackson caught a six point pass from Philip Rivers. The Chargers pretty much housed the Rams here. I'm going to pick the Rams to win the Super Bowl, just because I know it will drive Patrick insane.

(2-0) PACKERS 48, (1-1) SEAHAWKS 13
God, if giving up 38 points in the first half of a preseason game just doesn't take a big steaming dump over anything your organization has done in its training camp to prepare for the upcoming season, I don't know what does. I know it doesn't really matter what your team does in the preseason, but I'm pretty sure you don't want to do what the Seahawks did in this game. Brandon Jackson ran for 54 yards and a TD for the Pack, and James Jones caught 2 TD passes. Jones has seemingly iced a spot as one of GB's top 3 wideouts, as the Packers released Robert Ferguson after this game. Since I'm all about predictions this week, here's one for ya, the Packers will make the playoffs in 2007. 2007 is this year in case you forgot.

I finish up the Week 2 recaps manana.

Starbury.. I thought I knew ya..

On Monday, New York Knicks guard Stephon Marbury was in Albany, N.Y., promoting his brand of affordable sneakers. He was asked about Michael Vick, and said, according to Newsday:

"We don't say anything about people shooting deers and shooting other
animals, you know what I mean? From what I hear, dogfighting is a sport.
It's just behind closed doors and I think it's tough that we build Michael
Vick up and then we break him down ... I think he fell into a bad
situation."

Ahh.. riiiight. Ok first of all, its "deer" plural.. not "deers". Secondly, people didn't build Ron Mexico up as the owner of an illegal dogfighting business, they built him up as an entertaining person to watch on a football field. Third, how do you "fall into a bad situation" when you created, funded, participated and profited from an ILLEGAL AND INHUMANE BUSINESS! From what you hear? Its a sport? Starbury has been to many dogfights, I can guarantee it based on that comment. And he may have shot a few dogs, but what do you call electrocution, drowning and poisoning???

Affordable sneakers?!? Sneakers?!? -Jim Mora

Update: Starbury only provided 3000 boys sneakers to schools, apparently girls don't play basketball in New York.

Out On A Limb- 07 NFC East Predictions

Patrick has been waiting very patiently for me to grab my sack and make some predictions for the upcoming NFL season, so starting today, I am beginning my divinations, starting with the NFC East.

MY OFFICIAL 2007 NFC EAST PREDICTIONS

Dallas Cowboys 10-6
They could very well fall flat on their faces in the playoffs again, but even though they don't excel in any area, they don't have glaring weaknesses in any area either. They are also blessed with a pretty soft road schedule (Miami, Buffalo, Detroit, hello!).

Philadelphia Eagles 10-6
I think they are just a shade better than the Cowboys, but trips to New England and New Orleans both look like losses, and roadies against the Packers and Jets won't be a picnic either.

Washington Redskins 7-9
They are helped by a very soft non-divisional home schedule. Miami, Detroit, Arizona, and Buffalo are all home games they should win.

NY Giants 7-9
So long, Tom Coughlin.

SIR Alex Was Wrong

In the 2006-2007 season, garbage-style striker Ruud van Nistlerooy was dumped by SIR Alex in favor of a young Cristiano Ronaldo after Ruud and Ronaldo came to blows when Ruud called Ronaldo a ballhog. Dumped by SIR Alex even though Ruud had chances to ditch Man U for more money but didn't. Dumped when he was Man U's all time leading goal scorer in European Cup with 38 and a sick 95 goals in 140 appearances for the club. They dumped him to my favorite a-hole buy all the good players team in Spain, Real Madrid. Ruud ended up helping Real Madrid win their first La Liga title in four years and getting the top goal scorer of the league and won best signing, player, and striker in a 140,000 ballot by As.com (a leading Spanish sports mag). Sir Alex could have admitted fucking up in letting him go and not solving the Kobe vs. Shaq-like conflict, but got lucky in winning the 2006-2007 Premiership Title and, instead, stated that they obviously didn't need Ruud.

Now we are three games into the 2007-2008 EPL season and, in an attempt to fuck me over in my bet with Oli Porter, Man U is trying to sign Obafemi Martins (a person favorite player of mine having said "hi" to him on the phone once) from Newcastle United because they need a new Ruud van Nistlerooy.

SOMEONE FUCKED UP.

Hey SIR Alex, how about you not jack up a team that doesn't suck and deal with your own problems. You replaced Ruud with Saha and found Saha SUCKS ASS. GOOD JOB. Thank you so much for giving up Ruud to Real Madrid. Now, if Rooney can get butthurt again about Cristiano Ronaldo, and refs can continue to allow him to get abused and not call shit, we'll be taking his ass as well. Bitch.

Check out how badass Martins is.



Fucking hands off, SIR A-hole.

More Week 2

(1-1) TEXANS 33, (0-2) CARDINALS 20
Matt Schaub played well for the Texans, engineering an 11 play, 85 yard drive that ended with him scampering for a 5 yard TD. I mean it, he had a little engineers hat on while he was scampering. Arizona also got a nice stint out of its QB, Matt Leinart, who went 7 for 7 with a TD pass to Edgerrin James. Leinart was told earlier in the week by coach Ken Whisenhunt to "Get his shit together or else." Actually, I don't think that's verbatim what Whisenhunt said, but I think that's what he meant. The Cardinals have lost Oliver Ross, their starting LT, for the season with an injury, and he'll be replaced by first round draft choice Levi Brown. Texans' third round rookie Jacoby Jones had an 80 yard punt return for a TD.

(2-0) LIONS 23, (1-1) BROWNS 20
Brady Quinn made his NFL debut and threw 2 TD passes. This can only add fuel to the fire of the burning question that has kept me up at night for the last 3 months, the question of "Who is the bigger douchebag, Brady Quinn or Rex Grossman?". Calvin Johnson didn't have any catches, or didn't play. All I know is I don't see his name in the boxscore and I'm too lazy to open up the Gamebook and see if he was in the lineup or not. The Lions are 2-0 in the preseason, and Roy Williams has revised his prediction of the Lions going 16-0 to the Lions going 27-0.

(1-1) JAGUARS 31, (1-1) BUCS 19
I see here that David Boston caught a TD pass from Jeff Garcia. This is awesome. This can only mean I've traveled back in time to the year 2000. I will use my knowledge of the future to get the 2000 vintage Britney in da butt now. The Jaguars reeled off 31 unanswered points at one point in this game. I don't care if it's preseason or if you're playing this game on the moon, that's not good for the Bucs. DE Gaines Adams, the 4th pick in the 07 draft, had a sack and a forced fumble for Tampa, so they can hang their hat on that I guess. Mojo Drew had a 38 yard reception for the Jags, and Fred Taylor and LaBrandon Toefield both had TDs.

(1-2) SAINTS 27, (0-2) BENGALS 19
In exhibition games, you really only need concern yourself with what happens early in the game. In this game, the Saints clobbered the Bengals for the first 20 minutes, building a 17-3 lead as they drove up and down the field on a hapless Bengal defense. Reggie Bush and Deuce McAllister both ran for TDs, and Drew Brees completed all 6 of his pass attempts. That creaking noise you're hearing may be the sound of the Bengals' window closing. Either that, or someone is breaking into your house.

That's all the recaps for today...you'll get more tomorrow...in the meantime...have some NEWS why don't ya???

- Michael Vick is going to prison. I tell you this in case you've been living on Mars, in a cave, with your eyes closed, and your fingers in your ears. The estimate on when he will return to the NFL is 2010. By then, I should be too busy with my robot girlfriend to care.

- Tom Brady has let it be known he would like a few days off when Bridget Moynahan drops his baby on the world. Shit, if Tom Brady wants time off every time somebody has one of his babies, he's going to be missing a LOT of time, yo.

- The Eagles have released LB Jeremiah Trotter. Trotter's 30 years old and a 4 time Pro Bowler.

- A sprained knee suffered by Broncos' running back Travis Henry in last weekend's preseason tilt threw my fantasy draft into a big tizzy. Don't expect to see him any more in the preseason. As for the long-term effects, we'll just have to wait and see. I'm so damn informative.

- The Broncos made more news today when they traded DT Gerard Warren to the division rival Raiders. Warren enjoyed some moderate success in Denver after being the second first overall pick in the draft the Browns completely whiffed on (the recently released by the Jaguars Tim Couch being the other.)

Refs Say Sorry In Soccer

In the NBA, refs fuck up and any players that cry about it get fined. We come to find that one of their own was gambling and rigging games. Then instead of apologizing for it, the NBA decides to drop TIMMY as an isolated incident just as TIMMY is about to bust a Jose Canseco and drop 20 names of refs that gamble which, if true, drops 1/3rd of the NBA ref roster. HAHAHAHHAHA MARK CUBAN WAS RIGHT. Instead of apologizing for obvious haxing of the NBA Finals, Cuban was called a crybaby. Anyone who complains about refs in the NBA is labeled a crybaby. Too bad the crybabies were right.

In soccer, the world is a bit different. In the big face off of Chelsea (Patrick N's team) at Liverpool (Oli Porter's team), Liverpool should have won but Chelsea was awarded a bs penalty kick. Liverpool manager Benitez cried about the obvious fuck up. Did Benitez get fined? Nope:

Former referee Hackett is general manager of Professional Game Match Officials Limited (PGMOL), the body which oversees referees.

The referees' supremo has apologised to Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez for the error.

Hackett added: "I spoke to Rob this morning and obviously he is extremely disappointed with the decision and admitted he got it wrong. I have left a message with Rafael Benitez to apologise.

"Having looked at a video and seen a better angle and a better view, clearly he (Styles) now recognises that he got it wrong and he's deeply apologetic for that. I think, in fact, he too will be making contact with Liverpool in order to offer his apologies."

-BBC Sport

Hey, cool. He said sorry. Furthermore, Oli Porter's favorite ref, Styles, got a one match ban. Owned. Another ref, assistant ref Ian Gosling got a match ban for messing up in the Middlesbrough at Fulham match. That's why I like soccer. Shit is run fairly as possible. The only thing soccer needs to pick up on is having machines help if a goal passes a goal line. I mean, tennis has it and tennis sucks.

Other Stuff

Man U actually lost against city rivals Manchester City. Oops. Man U fans have hit the panic button saying Tevez is a piece of crap. How about you're only in the 3rd fucking game of the season. 35 more to go a-holes. Someone give Man U fan a teddybear and hug. And maybe a tampon.

American Fulham striker Brian McBride, probably the best USA soccer player right now, dislocated his knee and is out for three months. I'm not a doctor, but I heard you never will be the same after a knee dislocation. I heard from watching Family Guy.

Speaking of the panic button, Real Madrid lost a preseason cup to Sevilla and now everyone and their mom is asking for new coach Schuster's firing. Wow. I mean, how about wait until the SEASON FUCKING STARTS in La Liga before panicking. That would be like the Raiders panicking just because they lost a bunch of preseason games. Oh wait, they should panic.

Beckham took a big shit on the New York Red Balls on one foot, but he can't play defense either. If you score four goals, you should win a soccer game. I don't fucking care if it's a game with 3rd graders. But somehow, LAFC lost 5-4 at a packed as shit 66,000+ Giants Stadium. And they say soccer had no fans in America. One thing, for those bitches that cry about Becks hitting the wall in every free kick, there's a reason Becks hates Astroturf. BTW, I like how Sol Campbell, Steven Gerrard, Owen Hargreaves, and Darren Bent dropped from playing the next English friendly match, but one-legged Beckham is flying overnight after a game.

Pachuca looks like they're going to shit on everyone in the FMF winning their first three games. Club America needs to fire Tena.

I can't find a clip of it, but Mr. White, Cuauhtemoc Blanco, busted a shot from Cambodia for a goal against Real Salt Lake. I am really jealous of Chicago getting Mr. White.

G-U-I-L-T-Y

Let us never speak of him again..

Bosie State

Mark Schlabach crunched some numbers, or at least had his underlings do it for him, and came to a startling conclusion which seems to backup my cries for a Bosie St. - Florida national championship game last season..

Boise State, which finished undefeated and beat Oklahoma 43-42 in overtime
in the Fiesta Bowl last season, was the second-most underrated team of the last
10 years. The Broncos were ranked in the preseason only once (18th in 2005), but
finished the season ranked four times, including No. 5 last season. TCU also was
among the top 10 most underrated team.

Now I'm not saying I'm right (I totally am), but considering that Ohio St. is a top 5 OVERrated team and Bosie St. is a top 2 UNDERrated team, wouldn't the numbers indicate that an undefeated Bosie team should have played vs Florida over a 1-loss Ohio St. team? And the telling fact is this, if your PREseason ranking isn't very good, you basically have 0% chance of being in the title game. Funny how a preseason ranking determines your entire fate, even before stepping onto the field.

So if your favorite team is beginning the 2007 season outside the top 10 in
the AP or ESPN/USA Today coaches' polls, you'd better hope for an undefeated
season. Otherwise, your team has a very small chance of winning the national
championship.

There's No Season Like Preseason- Week Two!

I have returned to America. I feel like I have done nothing but run around like an idiot since I was 5000 miles from where I am now at 4 AM yesterday, and I am wondering if it would be possible for me to feel any more tired or disoriented right now.

Other than that, I had my fantasy draft today. Peyton Manning was my keeper, and Maurice Jones-Drew was my first round pick after I drew pick nine out of 10. On the back end of that I got Tory Holt, which is nice. I'm pretty sure this is my Week 1 starting lineup:

QB P. Manning
RB Jones-Drew
RB Brandon Jacobs
WR Holt
WR Javon Walker
TE Kellen Winslow
K Adam Vinatieri
D Ravens

I feel good about my QB, wideout, kicking and defense situations. Running back not so much. Unfortunately, by the time my pick came up, there were already 16 running backs taken, so whaddaya gonna do. We'll see how that turns out.

So enough about that, onto week two of the NFL exhibition season.

(2-0) DOLPHINS 11, (0-2) CHIEFS 10
This game marked the big return of Trent Green to Kansas City, and I guess he got booed by the Arrowhead fans. Good for them. I was never a big Trent Green fan. He had a great supporting cast in KC, particularly an O-line with 2 future HOF'ers, a running game feared by everyone, a future HOF receiver in Tony Gonazalez, and he still couldn't manage to win a playoff game. So, yeah, go ahead and boo him all you like. Judging by what happened in my draft today, I'm guessing most people aren't very high on Ronnie Brown this year. He looked good in this game though, carrying 13 times for 57 yards. It's looking to me like Brodie Croyle has the inside track for KC's starting quarterback job. He threw a TD pass and an ugly INT.

(1-1) FALCONS 13, (1-1) BILLS 10
One thing I'd love to know is if Jerrious Norwood is finally going to unseat Warrick Dunn as the Falcons' feature back this season. Unfortunately, this game tells me nothing about that because neither of those guys got a carry. For Buffalo, first round pick and new starting RB Marshawn Lynch did get five carries, but managed only 16 yards. Lee Evans had 2 catches for 42 yards. Third round QB Trent Edwards played well for Buffalo, completing 11 of 16 and throwing a TD pass to Roscoe Parrish.

(1-1) EAGLES 27, (1-1) PANTHERS 10
Philly got squashed in their preseason opener, so if you like betting preseason football, it would have been smart to put some money on them in this game. Of course, if you like betting preseason football you probably have a very serious gambling problem. The Eagles were impressive, throttling the Panthers 24-3 in the first half. Lito Sheppard picked off a Jake Delhomme pass for a TD, and rookie RB Tony Hunt scored twice for the Eagles. Hunt is a third round pick out of Penn State, and he's 230 pounds. He's going to get every chance to be what Brandon Jacobs has been for the Giants the last 2 years, so keep an eye on him.

(1-1) VIKINGS 37, (1-1) JETS 20
Chad Pennington threw 2 touchdown passes. To the Vikings. Darren Sharper and 06 first rounder Chad Greenway both had pick sixes. It is a privilege to report that Pennington got picked off twice for a TD. I probably spelled privilege wrong too. How do you like that you Oxford educated sissy boy. The Vikings D also scored on a fumble recovery. This game was a complete abortion for the Jets, therefore, I am going to bet all the money I have on them next week in keeping with my theory I described in the Eagles recap. I'm going to be richer than Biff Tannen was in the alternate 1985 in Back To the Future 2. In other news, Adrian Peterson had 70 yards on 8 carries and a TD. I'm starting to wish I did these recaps BEFORE my draft today instead of after.

(1-1) TITANS 27, (0-2) PATRIOTS 24
Before Patriots fans start cracking each other's skulls open and feasting on the goo inside because of their 0-2 X-Season start, let's remember that the Pats were up 17-7 at halftime, so the real Patriots won easily. Vince Young made his first appearance of 2007 and was awful. He was 5 of 17, as he waits in joyful hope for the coming of the broken leg he will inevitably get after being the Madden 08 cover boy. He also got absolutely coldcocked on a sack by Rodney Harrison. Titans' first round pick Michael Griffin had 2 picks, and Cortland Finnegan picked off Tom Brady for a touchdown. Chris Brown averaged 6.7 yards on 10 carries for the Titans.

That's it for today, more tomorrow.

When You Don't Have Skill, Play Like A Puss

With Cristiano Ronaldo getting sent off and an automatic 3-match ban for violent conduct, SIR Alex Ferguson was in full Phil Jackson mind fuck form:

"I think that he was falling in the trap of 100 years' experience of football that the perpetrator gets less punishment than the retaliator," Ferguson told Sky Sports News.

"I don't know what the directions seems to be, but maybe referees are a bit more tolerant of physical contact and I have noticed this in the last few months, with late challenges that go unpunished," he said.

It's the age old sports question: if you don't have skill, what can you do to still win? Ask Bruce Bowen who grabs ballsacks as you make a jumpshot. As much as I shit on Man U and SIR Alex, I think SIR Alex is right here. If you don't protect your skill players, you are going to lose them. I mean, if I wanted to see teams win by pure physical contact not ever being called by the refs and watch teams void of skill, I'll watch the MLS. It's like how all the foreign basketball players play here and flop like a bitch or queef out like Dirk the Invisible Man. They been playing against weak ass talent and had to cope with it somehow, then when they play in a real league they get smoked for awhile. The EPL and much of soccer is turning that way.

I know some of you are like, "ROFLLMFAOOMFG PATRICK, RONALDO FLOPS ALL DAY. HE GETS NO RESPECT FROM ME LOL." This, of course, is idiocy bukake. If you've ever played soccer, most skill players flop because it prevents a-hole no skill players from raping knees since refs aren't going to call shit. I know the stereotype for soccer is dudes flopping left and right and faking injury. This happens about as much as the NBA and depends on the ref. Sometimes a ref is gullible and calls all the flopping, sometimes the ref has enough skill to differentiate between flopping and fouls. The difference is that in soccer, you can give a yellow card for obvious flopping which totally kicks ass. My dick is huge.

So, while I laugh at SIR Alex spinning words like a sweatshop worker in China with an abundance of lead, I think SIR Alex is right here. Protect your skill players or, unlike popular American sports where they're the only show in town, soccer players have other leagues they can go to that are just as good.

PS, new Yellowcard album, Paperwalls, is awesome. Check out the song, "Fighting." That song is sooo going into someone's mix.

Hype and Overhype

Just saw LAFC vs. DC United with Beckham's first start, yellow card, and goal. First off, after watching Man U and Chelsea pwn it up, MLS action sucks. If you put 4-year olds on a grassy field, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between them and MLS teams. Second, Becks first goal had to come from a freekick. It was the funniest thing to see the DC United goalie tell the 6-man wall where to stand only to have the ball curve and not even try to save Becks' freekick. Welcome to a real freekick.



Donovan is not a captain. He sucks. They gave the band to Becks, but I think they really should give it to their goalie, Cannon, who had a zillion sweet saves and was instructing and motivating the team all game. At one point, after the LAFC defense laxed up allowing a free shot, Cannon yelled, "WAKE UP. FUCK." Good man.

The other Superliga semifinal match up, Pachuca vs. Houston, was DIRTY. Red cards, fouls, and a penalty shoot out. That shit was fun. Pachuca vs. LAFC is going to be fun if Pachuca tries to take out the MLS' star attraction. Wouldn't that be funny?

One last thing; the interview with the Mexican guy and Beckham showed how much class Becks has. The entire interview was done in English, then the Mexican interviewer asked if Becks could bust out some Spanish for the Mexican viewers, and being someone who was playing for Real Madrid in Spain for 4 years, he busted it out. Having watched La Liga and the FMF for years (or because my wife is Mexican), I could make out that Becks was saying how good something was. That part was pretty cool. Becks was worth all and is all the hype.

After my last entry, many of you might be expecting to bomb on Man U more after their Round 2 in the EPL. I mean, they tied 1-1 while Chelsea won 2-1 losing 2 more points from the lead, Cristiano Ronaldo got butthurt and headbutted his way to a red card and an autosuspension for the next round, and Man U is turning out to be overhyped. Those that expect me to bomb on Man U are absolutely right. What a disaster. To be fair, it's pretty common in soccer for teams to not gel when a few new players are added. To be even more fair, fuck Man U. I told you they suck. Chelsea rocks. They have a bunch of injuries and are still winning. Mourinho's team looked lethargic first half, so he makes some strategic moves and BAM instant 2 goals t00 ez.

Look, SIR Alex is a great coach. He'll turn Man U around. It's just fun to shit on them because everyone picked them to be so awesome while I thought they were overhyped. Now they they are sucking, people are jumping on the overhyped bandwagon of mine, so Imma say they will come back. I did tell Oli Porter my EPL table prediction, so ask him if I'm bsing:

1: Chelsea (if healthy, otherwise, #2 becomes #1)
2: Liverpool
3: Arsenal
4: Newcastle United
5: Manchester United

Monday Night Exhibition Madness

The first weekend of the NFL preseason was brought to its merciful conclusion last night with a pair of Monday night tilts. Let's review some MNF while I review this MILF who is sitting here in the hotel lobby.

Patrick tells me that vacation is overrated. I'm beginning to agree with him. I'm starting to feel like you pay 200 dollars a night to live like a homeless person for a week when you're staying at a hotel. All I do is drink and wander around aimlessly all day, which is pretty much what homeless people do.

RAVENS 29, EAGLES 3 (Halftime- Ravens 13-3)
Hey, Eagles, have an ass kicking. I know the preseason doesn't matter, but you never like to get fistrammed like this in any type of football game. The Eagles ran for only 23 yards in this game. Willis McGahee made his Ravens debut and carried 4 times for 20 yards. I have read numerous preseason publications this year that all say the Ravens are going to run to the outside a lot more this year because they have McGahee now instead of Jamal Lewis. I am going to try that with the Ravens when I pick up Madden 08 when I get back to America. I bet I can't run outside with McGahee though, you can't fucking run anywhere in those games. It should be called Super No-Run Football.

BRONCOS 17, NINERS 13 (Halftime- Broncos 14-13)
This was the ESPN Monday Night game. Travis Henry made his Broncos debut and averaged over 5 yards on 5 carries and scored a TD. He is quietly emerging as a fantasy beast. Bet you didn't see that one coming. Mike Bell also averaged over 5 yards on 10 carries. Remember last year at this time at your fantasy draft when you had that big draft board you ordered from whatever web site does your draft, and they didn't have a sticker for Mike Bell b/c he came out of nowhere to be the Broncos starting running back? That was so gay.

Speaking of gay, I was watching Rocky III on Spike TV last night, and now realize that's probably the most homosexual movie ever made. I mean, basically the plotline is that Apollo Creed trains Rocky to be gay in order to beat Mr. T. He has him lose 20 pounds, prance around in hot pants and a bare midriff tank top, and splash around playfully on the beach with him after running windsprints. Then before the big match at the end with Rocky against Mr. T, T tells Rocky something like "I'm going to tear you up", and Rocky says "Go for it", in this swishy voice. I expected him to drop his pants and bend over right there.

Still More Week One

These exhibition games just never end do they?

DOLPHINS 18, JAGUARS 17 (Halftime- Jags 10-3)

Dennis Northcutt apparently plays for Jacksonvile now, and he caught a TD pass in this game. That guy seemed like he was playing for Cleveland so long I remember him catching a pass from Brian Sipe. Doesn't look like Teddy Ginn played. I no see his name in the boxscore anywhere. Former Chargers backup running back Jesse Chatman busted a 74 yard TD run for the Fins. Trent Green was 6 of 15 for 60 yards and an INT in his Dolphins debut. Mark me words, this will turn out worse than the Daunte Culpepper thing did for Miami. Not sure how that is possible, but just you wait.

BROWNS 16, CHIEFS 12 (Halftime- Chiefs 7-6)

There's only 2 people on either of these teams who sseeing them in an exhibition game makes me even the least bit tingly, and that would be Priest Holmes and Brady Quinn, and neither of them played. Brodie Croyle and Damon Huard engaged in Round 1 of their KC starting QB Demolition Derby, and were both pretty bad, each throwing an INT and neither throwing a TD. I see here the Browns have a guy named "Steptoe" on their team. Little known fact: Sanford and Son is a takeoff of an English sitcom named Steptoe and Son.

PACKERS 13, STEELERS 9 (Halftime- Steelers 9-3)

Mark this down fantasy owners, it looks like rookie Brandon Jackson is going to be GB's starting running back in Week One. The second round pick out of Nebraska carried 16 times for 57 yards. Aaron Rodgers played pretty much the whole game, and completed 18 of 27 for 168 and a TD. The Packer defense racked up 5 sacks.

PANTHERS 24, GIANTS 21 (Halftime- Panthers 17-14)

Wow, some offense in this game by guys I've actually heard of! Steve Smith and Jeremy Shockey both had TDs. DeShaun Foster carried 5 times for 62 yards. Carolina practice squad receiver Taye Biddle had 108 yards and 2 TDs, while first round linebacker Jon Beason had 8 tackles and a forced fumble for the Panthers.

BEARS 20, TEXANS 19 (Halftime- Texans 12-7)

Matt Schaub was 3 of 5 for 25 yards in his Houston debut. Bears receiver Mark Bradley continues his push toward induction in the NFL Exhibition Season Hall of Fame with 2 catches for 47 yards. The Bears had SEVENTEEN different players catch passes in this game. One of them was newly minted wide receiver Devin Hester, who had 1 catch for 12 yards, and more importantly survived game 1 of this hare brained scheme to make him an offensive player without hurting himself.

REDSKINS 14, TITANS 6 (Halftime- Titans 3-0)

Santana Moss killed my fantasy team last year. He had 2 catches for 48 yards in this game. That guy can literally go fuck himself. The Titans are another team that might be going with a rookie RB this year. Their guy is Chris Henry, a second round pick out of Arizona (not to be confused with Chris Henry, the womanly faced wide receiver for the Bengals who keeps getting arrested). Henry had a good day, carrying 12 times for 42 yards.

RAIDERS 27, CARDINALS 23 (Halftime- Raiders 21-10)

I'm pretty incredulous that the Raiders had 21 points by halftime. Even if 6 of them came on an interception return. Daunte Culpepper made his first appearance for the Raiders, and was not so good. He went 5 of 12 for 78 yards. Matt Leinart also stank pretty bad, completing 5 of 11 for 50 yards. Bryant Johnson caught a 58 yard TD pass from Kurt Warner for Arizona.

SEAHAWKS 24, CHARGERS 16 (Halftime- 7-7)

Hey Chargers, the Birmingham Thunderbolts of the XFL called, they want their uniforms back.

Keep an eye on Chargers WR Malcolm Floyd. He had 65 receiving yards and a TD, and there could be more to come in the real games. Deion Branch caught a 31 yard TD pass for Seattle. Chargers corner and second round pick Eric Weddle had an INT.

Man U Is Dogshit and So Is Your Mom

No, I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon and crown Man U repeat champions of the EPL 2008 season, so quit PMing me about it. I have a better team than Man U: they're called Newcastle United. And while I can rub it in Oli Porter's face, I can talk about how I love Newcastle United more than my wife.

Most probably have not heard of Newcastle United because the team owners are too busy sucking each other's dicks instead of marketing this great team. Instead, I'll do their job and talk about how they not only will help me win my bet over Oli Porter, but help me shut up Man U fans about how they might as well be given the title. I'm not getting any money for this; I'm just sick of Man U fans. And I want to win a bet.

First of all, their nickname is "The Toon." How cool is that. Would you rather be called a bitch-ass Red Devil fan or a Toon? Don't even answer that because if you don't know the answer, then you have AIDS. Plus, instead of all the money spent on hype like Nani and Tevez, they spend smart on solid ass players like Obafemi Martins and Michael Owen. If I had a choice for strikers between Man U's Wayne Rooney/Carlos Tevez and Obafemi Martins/Michael Owen, I would pick Martins/Owen. This has nothing to do with the fact that Wayne Rooney got hurt in Week 1 with a hairline fracture to his foot and absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Man U rejected all my bids for Rooney and Tevez in the video game Fifa 07.

Newcastle United can do anything Man U can do and done with less money. Score? You bet your ass. Control the midfield? Ask anyone who's had their bladder stomped on by Newcastle's midfield. Defense? You can enjoy overpaid pansies like Heinze and Man U captain Neville. I'll stick with players with chips on their shoulder like ex-Chelsea bench player Geremi captaining my team and defense.

Sure, Man U has the best flashy player in Cristiano Ronaldo. I'll give them that. But was Manchester United ever featured in the best soccer movie ever, Goal!? If you've never seen Goal!, its about a Mexican player working his way up the ranks to join his dream team. Was it Man U? Nope, it was Newcastle United. Eat shit.

Here is an unbiased comparison between Man U and Newcastle:

In a movie
Manchester United: No
Newcastle United: Yes

You have to be a bitch and call your manager, "Sir"
Manchester United: Sir Alex Ferguson, Yes
Newcastle United: Sam Allerdyce, No

Large payroll
Manchester United: Yes
Newcastle United: No

Went to Champions League just to lose wasting everyone's time
Manchester United: Yes, lost in the semi finals
Newcastle United: No, didn't bother qualifying, so they didn't waste our time

Owned by American NFL owner who has a shitty NFL team
Manchester United: Yes, Tampa Bay Bucs
Newcastle United: No, they don't own shit

Shitty sponsor on chest
Manchester United: Yes, AIG, stupid ass insurance company not even located in Manchester
Newcastle United: No, Northern Rock, a bank, which is more manly, and the bank is located in Newcastle so they stay to their roots

Has players with herpes
Manchester United: Yes, I heard from watching Family Guy
Newcastle United: No, Wikipedia does not either confirm or deny, so that means they don't have any players with herpes

And there you go. Newcastle is better than Man U. In Week 1, Newcastle won 3-1, while Man U tied 0-0 with all that fucking offense. Too ez.

Other stuff I'm interested in

Cheslea won 3-2 with their b-team. Malouda is awesome. Wright-Philips and Lampard suck cock.

Club America won 6-1 over Jaguares after laying an egg 0-0 in Week 1 vs. a newly promoted team. Insua had something to prove to the Argentina National Team busting 4 assists and 1 goal.

Shut up about Beckham.

There's No Season Like Preseason- Week 1..Continued

I write this column and every column this week from the Carribbean paradise of Aruba. It's always sunny here in Aruba, except when it isn't, like today. There was a storm here today the likes of which I haven't seen since Karate Kid Part 2. I got very wet.

Whether I'm in the country or not though, the NFL preseason marches on. So here are your recaps.

JETS 31, FALCONS 16 (Halftime- Jets 14-13)

JETS STANDOUTS

Manginius did the same thing Parcells did with Tony Romo last year, and played a QB pretty much the entire way for an exhibition game. Kellen Clemens had his big moment in the sun, and threw 3 TD passes. Thomas Jones had his first TD in a Jets uniform

FALCONS STANDOUTS
Jerious Norwood had a first quarter TD, fantasy players, commence rubbing your nipples. 7th round rookie Jason Snelling led the Falcons with 48 yards rushing. Joey Harrington looked OK in his Falcons debut, going 6 of 9 for 88 yards.

BUCS 13, PATRIOTS 10 (Halftime- Bucs 10-7)

PATS STANDOUTS
Sixth round rookie Justin Rogers had six tackles and a sack. Randy Moss didn't play.

BUCS STANDOUTS
Tampa Bay Cheerleaders...very HOT. Luke McCown was 7 of 7 with a TD pass. Watching the Buc cheerleaders made me want to punch McCown. I mean punch my clown. Do YOU know who the 4th overall pick in this year's draft was? It was Bucs DE Gaines Adams, who had 2 whole tackles. 7th round RB Kenneth Darby rushed for 84 yards.


BILLS 13, (0-2) SAINTS 10 (Halftime 3-3)

BILLS STANDOUTS
Only one word you need to know here...POSLUSZNY. The first round backer out of Penn State had nine tackles and a sack. This guy is going to be the next big thing. ESPN loves overhyping two things...black quarterbacks and white linebackers.

SAINTS STANDOUTS
The first team offense clicked much better than it did in the Hall of Fame Game. Drew Brees was 12 of 14, and Devery Henderson had 3 catches for 52 yards.

RAMS 13, VIKINGS 10 (Halftime Rams 7-3)

RAMS STANDOUTS
Brian Leonard is another guy everyone is going to love. A white running back from Rutgers. I can practically hear the boners popping around me from all the Jerseyites here on holiday as I write this. He had 9 carries for 36 yards and a TD. Derek Stanley, a 7th round wideout from UW Whitewater, was the Rams's leading receiver with 61 yards.

VIKINGS STANDOUTS
Backup LB Donterrius Thomas had 2 picks, including he one he took back 82 yards for the Vikings only TD. Travaris Jackson had a pretty good night. The Vikings starting QB completed 8 of 11, and his top 2 wideouts, Bobby Wade and Troy Wiliamson, combined for 74 receiving yards. Adrian Peterson made his pro debut and had 33 yards on 11 carries. Third year linebacker Heath Farwell had 10 tackles and a sack.

There's No Season Like Preseason- Week One

Here's how not ready for the NFL season I am.....last night I turned on SportsCenter and saw NFL preseason highlights and was like.."Shit! I didn't realize there were games tonight." Then I find out one of them was even on FOX, and I didn't even know it. I feel like such an inadequate NFL expert. Anyway, yes, there were 2 games last night, here's how they went down..


(1-0) LIONS 27, (0-1) BENGALS 26 (Halftime- Bengals 16, Lions 10)

Best part of this game was when Ocho Gaymo got labeled on a pass over the middle on the first drive and fumbled. He did have 2 catches for 40 yards though. Calvin Johnson made his debut in a Lions uniform, and he also had 2 for 45 yards. Because of this, I conclude Calvin Johnson is better than Chad Johnson.

BENGALS NOTES
Chris Henry had 6 catches for 86 yards and a TD for the Bengals. And here I thought he was in jail. 4th round rookie safety Marvin White had 7 tackles and an INT. 6th round DT Matt Toenina grabbed a batted pass out of the air and took it 81 yards for a TD. 2nd round RB Kenny Irons was carted off with an injury. The Bengals defense gave up 219 passing yards in the first half. Shayne Graham missed a 48 yard field goal as time expired that would have won the game if good.

LIONS NOTES
Former Rams WR Shaun McDonald had 5 catches for 146 yards, including an 83 yard TD reception that he was ridiculously wide open on. Backup QBs JT O'Sullivan and Dan Orlovsky both threw for over 200 yards. The running game struggled. New acquistions Tatum Bell and TJ Duckett combined for 38 yards on 11 carries. Kevin Jones did not play.

(1-0) COWBOYS 23, (0-1) COLTS 10 (Halftime- Cowboys 6-3)

Super Bowl Preview anyone??? Hmmmmmmmmm???? Get down do you???? Yes, I suppose in one reality, the Cowboys and Colts do meet in Glendale, Arizona, 2008. In another reality, TO is killed by a barrage of baseballs.

COLTS NOTES
1st round WR Anthony Gonzalez made his kinda sorta pro debut, and caught 1 pass for 14 yards. The Colts allowed 133 yards rushing in this game, but the Cowboys ran it 39 times, so they only gave up 3.4 yards a carry. As we all remember, the Colts run defense is the enchanted shin of this team, their one honking weakness. Undrafted rookie Edward Johnson had six tackles, 2 sacks, and a forced fumble.

COWBOYS NOTES
Tony Romo shows that all the sexy time with Carrie Underwood has not affected him adversely, as he completed 10 of 11 for 93 yards. That reminds me of a joke, what's the difference between a White Sox fan and a Cubs fan? A Sox fan thinks Carrie Underwood is hotter than Kerry Wood. I just made that up, seriously. This suit is black not.
Give Round 1 in the training camp battle to be the Boys feature back to Marion Barber. He carried 12 times for 48 yards, while Julius Jones had 6 carries for 22 yards. UFA (undrafted free agent, get used to this shorthand in the preseason recaps) Pete Lougheed had 6 tackles, a sack, and a forced fumble. Backup safety Keith Davis had an INT return for a touchdown.